After watching too much MaCgyver, ingenious convicts have been caught building a deadly crossbow out of wood, spoons and copper wire. Two razor-sharp 6in bolts were shaped from paintbrush handles tipped with Biro lids coated in molten metal in Swaleside jail, Kent. Like something crafted by The A-Team, the bow’s launching mechanism was made from two spoons joined together at the head, while a length of copper wire ran between the handles. Screws were melted down, dripped over Biro lids and sharpened to form the head. Tests showed the bow could fire the bolt 20ft, an official report said. “This was an assassin’s weapon. The bolts would have sliced through a man,” a prison service source gasped. “The sophistication of this crossbow is staggering. Security staff could not believe an inmate could make it under their noses.”
Always keen for a bit of a fight, Prince Harry looks set to be heading to Iraq. Officially, the Ministry of Defence insists that a final decision about whether second lieutenant Harry will be allowed to travel to the Middle East has yet to be made, but his girlfriend Chelsy Davy has told chums that the ginger Prince is definitely going to war. Mildly mental royal Harry has always said he is determined to do battle with his 100-strong unit, but there is the danger that having the third in line to the British throne in action will attract extra attention from suicide bombers.
A three-year-old girl has saved her family from death when the Christmas tree in her bedroom caught fire. Quick-thinking Lilly-May Woolliss smothered it with her duvet after its 20 fairy lights burst into flames. Her one-year-old brother was asleep in the next room, while her mum was downstairs. In an act of intelligence that most adults would struggle to match, she used the duvet to stop the flames spreading, before running to raise the alarm. Single-mum, Jade, of Grimsby, said: “She’s a little hero. If it hadn’t been for Lilly, we could all have been dead.”
Demonstrating a severe lack of a social life, sad bargain hunters sat outside Next, at the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent, from midnight so as they could be first in line to buy dull-as-dishwater clothes in the Boxing Day sale. The turkey had barely had time to go down when about 2,500 boring buggers queued up for half a mile through Bluewater to get into Next, when it opened at five in the morning. “It’s what we were expecting”, bragged Tim Holland, spokesman for the centre. “This is typically our busiest day of the year.”
While the rest of us were tucking into our turkey and pulling crackers on Christmas Day, British troops in Iraq stormed the headquarters of an Iraqi police unit to rescue prisoners, who were allegedly being tortured. Once the prisoners were rescued and files and computers seized as evidence, troops levelled the building with explosives apparently hoping that the crimes carried out there by bent Iraqi coppers would come to an end. “We’ve removed a very significant and nasty part of the police force which has been scaring people in Basra, and ultimately it’s going to make Basra a better place,” said Major Charlie Burbridge looking out over a city of rubble.
Lard arse, John Prescott, was forced to tuck into his Christmas dinner in hospital because he was doubled up in pain with kidney stones. The Deputy PM, whose nickname was changed from Two Jags to Two Shags after he was caught nailing his secretary, ate dinner with staff and patients at the Castle Hill Hospital in Hull, before returning home for the remainder of his Christmas Day. “I’d like to thank the staff who looked after me”, beamed Two Shags, hoping for seconds. “It was a real pleasure to have my Christmas dinner among such dedicated people.” Kidney stones can be caused by a lack of exercise, which leaves us all baffled as to why this particular athletic specimen got them.
The majority of Brits want to get down and dirty more often according to Durex’s Big Sex Survey. 72 per cent wish they got laid more often, while other horny Brits fessed up to cheating on their partner or using sex toys and pornography to relieve their frustration, the poll found. Women are the most unfaithful (or truthful) than men, with 40 per cent of females admitting they have cheated, compared with 34 per cent of men. Around a third of people across the UK have sex twice a week, while a woeful 22 per cent get a ride just once a month.
Increasingly irrelevant Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has left Two-Shags, John Prescott in charge of the country while he enjoys a holiday in the sun at Bee Gees singer Robin Gibb’s $10m holiday home. Known for his knack of befriending elderly pop stars with luxurious homes in the sun, Blair insists he isn’t having another freebie, although he hasn’t disclosed how he’s actually paying for it. The Blairs recently made donations to charity in lieu of payment for holidaying at the Barbados home of singer Cliff Richard although no one has said whether a charitable donation was being made on this occasion. Any hope of Tony holidaying in secret were dashed when the plane he was travelling on overshot a runway at Miami - causing a media frenzy and giving the game away. Unlucky.
Burberry bosses have been accused of being tight bastards after they gave workers at their Treorchy factory in Wales a Burberry scarf and a £30 voucher to spend on its products, as their Christmas bonus. Union leaders branded the gift a “complete insult” and claimed that some disgruntled members had torn up their vouchers, presumably because they didn’t want to have to wear chavy clothing. It comes after the company announced it was looking at proposals to move production abroad, and took the piss by offering Welsh staff work at its site in Yorkshire. “The redundancy offers they have received are miserable”, said Rhondda AM Leighton Andrews. “This so-called Christmas bonus is mean and pathetic.”
A dim-witted car thief jumped into a Volvo that wasn’t his and sped down the road before realising there was a pensioner in the back of the motor. Unfortunately the intellectually challenged chav then pulled over and dumped the 80-year-old lady by the side of the road on Christmas morning, before racing off with her son’s car and all her Christmas presents. The pensioner had been left in the purple Volvo momentarily by her son while he visited an address in Redditch, Worcestershire, where she was returned by a passer-by.
What do you do when you break a nail on a night out? Well that’s obvious, you call 999 of course. Or at least that’s what one mashed melodramatic idiot of a woman did when she was out on the town and her nail split. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t amuse the North East Ambulance Service very much. Neither did the other ridiculous calls they received over the festive period, which saw people asking for takeaways and help carrying their boozy boyfriends up the stairs. “At this time of year, our demand increases dramatically,” said pissed off control room manager Graham Robinson. “We urge members of the public not to call 999 unnecessarily.”
Lazy local authorities are failing to collect over €30 million in housing rent each year, even though the government has given them constant kicks-up-the-arse to make them more efficient. The worst offender was apathetic Dublin City Council, which failed to collect almost 14 per cent of the housing rent it was owed in 2005, making for arrears of over €10m. Other councils had smaller monetary arrears, but performed much worse in percentage terms. Showing he is very much in contention for the Stating the Obvious Award 2007 was Local Government Minister Dick Roche who shrugged that he would: “Like to see improvements in collection levels generally and in particularly in local authorities that have poor collection rates.”
Ryanair decided to demonstrate why their flights were cheaper than a can of baked beans on Christmas Eve, when they left their passengers stranded in the south of France. Admittedly, the passengers, who were bound for Dublin, could have been stranded in a worse place, although that was little consolation to them when they were told their Ryanair flight couldn’t brave a spot of drizzle to make it back to Ireland. By the time the pissed off passengers arrived home, there would have been no turkey left to speak of and they’d have been lucky to find a mince pie going, as Christmas Day was all but over.
The first Irish “green cards” for foreign workers will be issued within the next couple of weeks Enterprise Minister Micheál Martin has confirmed. The scheme is designed to attract high-skilled foreign workers to Ireland and marks the first time that the country has introduced a residency card that does not require the immigrant to get sponsored by an employer. Martin expected that as many as 10,000 people from all over the world would avail of the scheme when it was fully operational - with a take-up of about 5,000 in the first year. “The whole idea of the Green Card revolves around the area of high skills,” he said.
There wouldn’t have been many big bulges in the Speedos to speak of in Dublin on Christmas Day, when hundreds of nippy residents braved the cold weather to go for a festive swim. Enthusiasts were out in record numbers, the first swimmers jumping in from 7am before the sun came up and they continued to do so for hours. “It was cold enough in there - about three degrees - but the hardest part is always taking the initial plunge,” said Peter O’Shaughnessy as he convinced passers-by that his old chap was much bigger when he’s warm.
Ageing manchild Michael Jackson is planning a pop comeback by starring in a glitzy show in Las Vegas. Having not toured since the middle of the last decade, and reportedly over £100million in debt, the 48-year-old is looking for a deal that would rival Celine Dion’s £150million Vegas contract. Promoter Jack Wishna, who is masterminding the singer’s comeback, said: “We are working on several projects. He is one of the greatest entertainers in the world and is poised to return to the top.”
Eminem has completed his second divorce from Kim after a four month marriage. The couple recently finished off the paperwork to make their separation official in Michigan after the rapper, real name Marshall Mathers, filed for divorce back in April. In a private settlement, the pair has agreed to divide property and to share custody of their daughter Hailie Jade Scott. Amazingly, considering how Eminem has released singles in which he murders the mother of his child, Judge Antonio P Viviano praised the couple for conducting “themselves with dignity and respect”. Marshall and Kim originally got married in 1999, before calling it a day two years later.
Obviously in need of a few bucks, zillionaire Donald Trump is threatening to sue Rosie O’Donnell after she made unflattering statements about him on US chat show The View. Co-host O’Donnell called Trump a “snake-oil salesman” and talked about alleged extra-marital affairs. Never one to avoid a fight, real estate mogul Trump responded by saying: “You can’t make false statements. Rosie will rue the words she said. I’ll most likely sue her for making those false statements, and it’ll be fun. Rosie’s a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie.”
Not content with putting in woeful performances in front of the camera, Madonna looks set to make her movie directing debut. It seems that she will take the director’s chair for an upcoming flick entitled Blade to the Heart, and will hope that the movie, which is supposedly a boxing story loosely based on the 1959 bout between Emile Griffith and Benny Paret, will be more of a success than some of the turkeys that she has starred in. However, even if it flops, the singer can take comfort in the fact that her recent Confessions tour was the second highest grossing tour of 2006, behind the Rolling Stones, raking in a ridiculous $195m for 60 shows.
While Brad Pitt was probably hoping for a Christmas morning spent embroiled in some filthy sex with his missus, she clearly had other ideas. The ever-worthy Angelina Jolie spent Christmas Day in Costa Rica helping refugees as part of her work as a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations. Full of the joys of Christmas, Jolie said: “The conflict in Colombia is the greatest humanitarian tragedy in the Western Hemisphere, but it receives very little international attention. My Christmas message to Colombian refugees and to the millions of displaced people in Colombia is that the world has not totally forgotten them.” There are about 11,500 refugees in Costa Rica, most of who fled Colombia because of a conflict between leftist guerrillas, soldiers and paramilitary forces.
Former Atomic Kitten, Kerry Katona appears to be losing the plot, as she has threatened to set fire to her ex-best pal’s car with her inside it. The talentless TV star made the threat via email to pregnant Michelle Hunter after she had spilt the beans over her alleged drug-taking. The beautifully crafted email said: “Your car will be torched yes torched with u in it yes.ur not even worth me lifting my finger to write this message;bye ur boring me.” The mates fell out when Hunter told how Kerry, twice voted celebrity mum of the year, went nuts on booze and cocaine following her split from Westlife star Brian McFadden. Police are investing the matter, and Hunter said: “Kerry knows I’m pregnant and I could lose my baby because of this. It’s like she’s gone completely mad. I’m petrified. It’s like I’m being stalked.”
High trouser sporting super villain Simon Cowell has been flashing the cash a bit lately, apparently spunking £25,000 on Christmas gifts for X Factor winner Leona Lewis and runner-up Ray Quinn. The sharp tongued music mogul lavished his latest glorified Karaoke Challenge winners after their scintillating performances on the “talent” show. Simon, 47, who is currently no doubt wearing a snug pair of Speedos while sunning himself in Barbados with partner Terri Seymour, got winner Leona a diamond necklace and matching earrings for £15,000.
Not content with completing filming on Rocky 481 recently, scrotum-skinned actor Sly Stallone has admitted he now wants his daughters to learn the fight game. “I wish my daughters would box,” Sly panted after trying in vain to catch a rapid chicken sprinting around the yard. “I’m so worried about the guys coming up to them that I would love them to be able to smack a man right off a bar stool. “I would feel very confident in them going out at night if they could take all the guys in the neighbourhood.” This probably means Sly’s girls Sophia Rose, ten, Sistine Rose, eight, and Scarlett Rose, four — could be in the running for a part in the sixth hundredth Rocky installment.
While England’s cricketers have been making utter fools of themselves in Australia with their incompetence with the bat and ball, back home Mark Ramprakash has waltzed away with the Strictly Come Dancing crown after an all-male final. A staggering 12 million people voted as the cricketer beat rugby rival Matt Dawson to the crown. Frighteningly, the number of votes cast was almost half of the sum total of voters in the last general election. While prancing camply around the dance floor by way of celebration, Ramprakash told how his eldest daughter collapsed in giggles when he signed up for the show. He said: “She followed the show last year and when she heard I was going on it she just rolled around laughing. She couldn’t imagine her dad in tight trousers and make-up.
Presumably realising that dealing with her bad press is too much like hard work and fed up with flicking through the tabloids to see her flange, Britney Spears’ publicist has thrown in the towel and decided to leave the silly slapper to it. And this wouldn’t be the first time that Britney has had to find a new person for the job. Three months ago her original publicist sacked the job off, no doubt also fed up with limiting the damage done by the harebrained has-been. Perhaps looking after her sprogs properly, keeping her fanny out of the papers and just not being a complete classless mess would help Britney keep a publicist.
Taking time out from hurling golf clubs into crowds and getting into punch ups with Bob Barker, one trick pony Adam Sandler has decided to demonstrate what an all round sensitive chap he really is this Christmas by donating gifts to young cancer sufferers in his home state of New Hampshire. The ‘Wedding Singer’ star had a PlayStation 3 with all the latest games, autographed DVDs and a ‘Longest Yard’ poster delivered to 15-year-old Stephanie Hudon and her 18-year-old brother, Kevin, at their Manchester home in New Hampshire. Stephanie has bone cancer that recently spread to her lungs and is due to undergo surgery on January 8. Kevin was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma in November and is receiving chemotherapy treatment. Stephanie said: “I just wanted to say ‘thank you’ and my family thanks you.”
Living proof that God makes mistakes, Jack Osbourne, has blamed his penchant for abusing drink and drugs on his genes. Unashamedly taking the easy option of blaming something that’s out of his control, Jack reckons he has inherited the genetics from his wild old man who has battled drink and drug addictions all his life. “I blame genetics. Because dad was an alcoholic, that’s why I am,” he said downing a bottle of Jack Daniels. “My problems peaked when mum was sick and dad was dealing with his problems the same way as I was, by drinking, so I had no one to turn to. I was just hanging out with my crowd drinking and doing drugs.”
Despite regularly being caught with enough firearms to start a war, Snoop Dogg, who was presumably stoned off his box at the time, has called for a world gun amnesty. The rapper, who enjoys nothing more than being nicked for carrying guns and drugs, has sent out the contradictory message no doubt in a bid to try and shake off the old bill who keep busting his ass. “I would like everyone to be able to put down their guns,” he said stuffing a .9mm Walther PPK down his pants. Guns are not good. When I was growing up I knew my life could be taken in a second by a gun.”
As if you weren’t feeling rough enough having thrown too much booze down your throat recently, news of a weird celebrity match-up is set to turn your stomach. It turns out that toothy funnyman Russell Brand has declared his passion for TV hostess Vanessa Feltz. The chubby-chaser has said that she makes him feel “dirty and perverted” and has been bombarding her with raunchy phone messages. “Russell sends me a series of very suggestive text messages. I absolutely adore him. I can’t claim to be the first to have discovered Russell, but I was on one of his shows about three or four years ago and I thought this guy’s a genius. Extraordinary, mercurial, Renaissance man,” she said, while her massive pants got wetter by the second.
Ewan McGregor is fed up of people in the street having a go at him about his films. The Trainspotting and Star Wars star revealed that, when he’s back in Scotland, people can’t resist having a pop at him. “Why do they feel the need to tell me, ‘That film was shit’? It happens quite a lot,” he sobbed. “I was with my mum and daughter when this guy walks over to say, ‘You’re not as good as Alec Guinness’. I felt really pissed off.”
Despite an impressive work ethic and no small amount of ability, it seems that Scarlett Johansson’s greatest achievement is having a nice arse. The Lost In Translation star, who has been named sexiest woman alive by Esquire magazine, recently won another poll for best bum, but says she doesn’t deserve the title. She told Esquire: “There are plenty of girls with nicer butts. There are plenty of girls who work harder on their butts. What about my brain? What about my kidneys and my gall bladder?” Seemingly monopolising the ‘best body parts’ awards, she was also awarded the prize for the best pair of breasts in Hollywood by In Touch Weekly magazine. “I’m sure my mum will be proud. You work hard making independent films for 14 years and you get voted ‘best breasts’,” she said.
While all other chavs went down to the pound shop to buy their Christmas gifts, Charlotte Church couldn’t even be arsed to leave the house to shop for her boyfriend’s present. Instead she went internet shopping for rugby star Gavin Henson’s Christmas gifts, and ended up buying him a bit of turf. The thrifty 20-year-old bid on Ebay for the patch from which he kicked a penalty for Wales in their 11-9 defeat of England last year. Church’s mum said: “The turf is in a beautiful glass presentation box. She also got him a paperweight with his hero David Campese’s signature in it. She has been looking on Ebay for months now, bidding like mad.”
Hollywood actor turned politician Arnold Schwarzenegger has had to terminate his skiing trip early after he broke his leg on the piste. The 59-year-old will need an operation after a bad fall which fractured his right femur while on a family holiday in Idaho. Arnie’s spokeswoman would not say how the accident happened but said the family would continue their Christmas holidays. In a far from comprehensive statement, she said: “He is doing well.”
New York clothes giant Macy’s has banned rapper P Diddy’s jackets from its store after claims they were made from dog fur. The Sean John hooded coats were advertised as “faux fur”, but an animal rights group has got the right hump and insisted that raccoon dog was used. The Humane Society says that the fur comes from China where dogs, cats and raccoon dogs are killed in gruesome ways. Stupidly named Diddy, who owns the Sean John label, is said to have been unaware of the material used in the manufacture.
Proving that emo kids do actually have a semblance of humour hidden deep within their tortured souls, Fall Out Boy star Pete Wentz has poked fun at his penis-baring internet scandal in the group’s new video This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race by recreating the moment he let it all hang out. The bassist almost quit the group after an embarrassing photo of him holding his stiffy inadvertently found its way onto the net earlier this year. But now Wentz, who needs a laugh to punctuate the misery of dating Ashlee Simpson, is having a little joke about it in his new video. “More people have seen that picture than have bought our record, which is a very bizarre statistic to think about,” he said, while checking that his cock was tucked safely away in his Y-fronts.
Seemingly in a bid to put a sudden halt to her rising popularity, loopy chart-topper Nelly Furtado has announced plans to record an album in Spanish - even though she is Portuguese. The singer didn’t learn Spanish until she was a teenager, but said she has always had a passion for the language. “I feel like a little kid again, because it’s a whole new language,” she told MTV. “And I can’t translate poetically yet. It’s like, ‘Wow, I’m writing a song in Spanish.’ It’s really bizarre, but really great.”
Bookies have been taken to the cleaners by X Factor winner Leona’s single racing into the charts at number one. Leona Lewis knocked Take That’s Patience off the top spot into number two. Stressed out Bookmakers had stopped taking bets the week before Christmas and reckon they lost £1m on Leona. Like sulking schoolchildren, William Hill have said that they won’t take bets on the Christmas number one next year, as it is giving money away, and have blamed Simon Cowell for them being out of pocket. A spokesperson said: “Simon Cowell has signed an X Factor contract until 2009. He has possibly killed the Christmas number one market for good.”
Hoping to make his band sound remotely exciting, My Chemical Romance rocker Ray Toro has revealed that he is a criminal. However, his heinous act was to once nick some batteries. Before the US band hit the big time with their whiny emo nonsense, the guitarist desperately needed some batteries to record his music demos. He said: “I got arrested for shoplifting one time. I ended up stealing a pack of batteries because I didn’t have any for this recording device I record demos onto.”
Sticking two fingers up at his soon-to-be ex-wife, Paul McCartney is writing a new musical in tribute to his first wife Linda. The stageshow tells the story of a couple called Shanty and Mary who balance the marriage with a busy outside life, and is believed to have been influenced by the ups and downs of his relationships with Linda. As the acrimonious divorce continues, McCartney is making it clear that he will do everything in his power to prevent second wife Heather Mills getting any of the proceeds from the show. He says that her only claim on him should be based on his earnings during their four-year marriage, which he dubiously claims are nil.
After lots of smug nudging and winking from Michael Eavis about the fact that Kylie might be headlining the next Glastonbury, it turns out that she can’t make it after all. An official announcement was never made to confirm her as a headliner, but the baldy farmer couldn’t have made it more obvious that the pint-sized popster was performing if he had: “Yes, Kylie is playing Glastonbury 2007,” tattooed on his forehead. However, festival organiser Eavis’ daughter Emily has revealed that Kylie is just too busy next year. “She’s got a lot of touring up her sleeve and I think if she was going to do Glastonbury, she’d rework her show and I don’t think it’s going to be possible in that time frame. It’s just not going to happen,” she said, before asking if anyone had Muse’s phone number.
Ageing manchild Michael Jackson is planning a pop comeback by starring in a glitzy show in Las Vegas. Having not toured since the middle of the last decade, and reportedly over £100million in debt, the 48-year-old is looking for a deal that would rival Celine Dion’s £150million Vegas contract. Promoter Jack Wishna, who is masterminding the singer’s comeback, said: “We are working on several projects. He is one of the greatest entertainers in the world and is poised to return to the top.”
Ticket touts are threatening the future of some of the world’s biggest music festivals, with a promoter of Australia’s Big Day Out threatening to cancel future events if governments fail to act to prevent online reselling. The festival’s promoter Ken West has claimed that recent legal action by Ebay to prevent a challenge on tickets being sold on their site has allowed touts to hide in cyberspace and make a profit from their actions. He went on to add: “I may not put the show on after next year because the more we stop scalpers, the more the Government can keep putting the scalping issue in the ‘too-hard’ basket.”
Having ditched Pamela Anderson, Kid Rock has decided to spend the Christmas period visiting troops in the Middle East. Rather than spending a lazy Christmas morning nestling his head between his wife’s ample funbags, Rock has flown into Kuwait and Iraq to entertain servicemen. “This year for Christmas I wanted to make sure somebody was thanking our troops for their service, no matter what our views are on the current situation in Iraq,” he said in a statement. “I would be spending Christmas with my family, but in my heart I know this is the right thing to do, not only for our men and women in service, but also to set an example for my son and send a strong message to the world to be thankful and think of others at Christmas time.”
Bono’s bid to become recognised as the most righteous human being on the planet continues at pace, as it has been announced that the Queen will be granting him an honorary knighthood. The U2 frontman will receive his award in recognition of his work for music and activism. However, in news that will no doubt rile him, he will not be entitled to use the title ‘Sir’, because he is an Irish citizen and not British. Previously, the honorary title has been given to Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg and Placido Domingo. In 2003, Bono was given the equivalent of the French honor, the Legion D’Honneur by President Jacques Chirac.
All-round lovely bloke, The Game, admits he sometimes physically assaults member of his touring entourage, because being on the road is too claustrophobic for him. “Being on the bus is like being in a prison on wheels, man. It’s nothing like being at home. You could be on here for 24 hours, confined in this little space and you start getting claustrophobic and when I start getting mad I just start pulling people out of their bunk and kicking them in the face and shit. Life on the road, you got to be ready for it, and a lot of people don’t know that. It’s a lot of hard work.”
The hardest working man in show business, James Brown, has died aged 73. Soul legend Brown was admitted to the hospital, suffering from pneumonia, and passed away on Christmas morning. Although his past has been marred by jail time, drug problems and even bankruptcy, through hits like Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag and I Feel Good, Brown has firmly placed himself in the history books as one of the world’s greatest entertainers. Tributes have been pouring in from mourning buddies, including Mick Jagger, who said: “His passing is a huge loss to music. He was a whirlwind of energy and precision.” Badboy rapper Snoop Dogg added: “Soul brother number one. We miss you James Brown.”
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What was my last day in Doha like? Well, honestly, it was all a bit of a blur!Most of my things were packed, so I spent most of the day answering the door to people to say goodbye.
A very appropriate way of starting our first day back. Paul, Jess and I went along to DAGOC 1 this morning to hand in our passports to have our exit permits processed.There wasn’t all that many people waiting in line…but it was 7.30am!! While waiting in line a friend mentioned to me that she saw that she was on my flight back to Melbourne. I said “Oh, on the 14th?” and she replied, “no, the 16th!”.
It is quite possible though I am just drinking too much and my brain is turning to mush! All this time off is not healthy!
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