.: Cath’s Blog:.

STARK-RAVING bonkers Mohamed al Fayed has launched a bizarre tirade against the Royal Family, British Government, police, MI5 and pretty much anyone else you can think of.
While taking the stand last week at the Diana inquest in London, the Harrods tycoon, 75, claimed a staggering list of conspirators were involved in a deliberate plot to murder the Princess – including Tony Blair.
Fayed claimed those taking part in the plot to murder Diana included: American, British and French agents, top British diplomats, French judges and prosecutors and two former Scotland Yard police chiefs – and possibly the KGB, CIA, Mossad, the French Foreign Legion, the Hare Krishnas, Peter Andre and the Teletubbies. The Egyptian shopkeeper also took his revenge for being refused British citizenship on countless occasions by branding the Royals “the Dracula Family.”
He insisted Prince Charles was in on the plot so he could marry Camilla – whom he branded “a crocodile” – and insisted Prince Phillip was a Nazi who secretly runs the country.
He said: “What the Royal Family has committed is a crime. She has suffered 20 years from the Dracula family, whether it is from Prince Charles or Prince Philip. I’m not resting until I find the truth.”
To laughter and hand-clapping from the public gallery, Mr Fayed held aloft a copy of a newspaper picture of Prince Phillip as a 15-year-old in Germany, which “proved” he was a Nazi.
He thundered: “It is time to send him back to Germany or Russia. It is well known he is racist. He will not accept my son as a person who is different religion, naturally tanned, curly hair.”

Minnie Mouse will be dressed more like Myfanwy Mouse when Paris Disneyland holds a Welsh festival at the end of this month. Both Mickey and Minnie Mouse will be decked out in Welsh-themed costumes for the Disneyland Paris St David’s Welsh Festival.

An eight-year-old boy had to be freed by firefighters after getting stuck in a pair of handcuffs he found in his mother’s bedroom. The crew freed the boy with industrial metal cutters from the cuffs which were described as made of “hardened steel” and not meant as a toy.

A four-year-old boy got stuck when he climbed into his family’s top-loading washing machine, and firefighters had to use a metal cutter to slice into the appliance to get him out.
Donovan Hasseman, who was not hurt, was wedged in with a knee folded against his chest. although the machine was empty and not running. The fire department ended up using its hydraulic “jaws-of-life” tool normally used to remove crash victims from wrecked vehicles to cut through the machine’s walls and plastic tub.

CAR SAT-NAV STUMPS STUDENT A CLUELESS driver caused train delays after he misunderstood the directions from his satellite navigation system and drove on to a railway line.
The 26-year-old foreign student, who was delivering a takeaway, turned on to the tracks instead of a small road immediately after the crossing and got stuck in a cattle grid. The student couldn’t push the Daewoo off the tracks at Oulton Broad in Norfolk, delaying trains for more than an hour before a recovery vehicle towed it away.

THE DECISION to ban a 500-year-old portrait of Venus from the London Underground because it’s too racy for the modern commuter has been criticised as “bonkers.” The Royal Academy wanted to use the classic nude to advertise its forthcoming show on Lucas Cranach the Elder, a 16th-century German painter and printmaker known for his sensual paintings.
But the institution has been told to go back to the drawing board by London Underground, who fear Venus’ naked breasts are likely to offend the capital’s Tube-travellers.
An LU spokesman said: “We have to take into account the full range of travellers and endeavour not to cause offence in the adverts we display.” But MP John Whittingdale urged officials to “think again” about the “bonkers ban.”
In fact, the majority of commuters wouldn’t even see the portrait – they would be too engrossed in checking out the page three ‘stunners’ to notice Venus’ beautiful bristols.

OWNERS of a Swiss art gallery were mightily piste off after three armed men in ski masks made off with £80 million worth of paintings. Works by Cézanne, Degas, van Gogh and Monet were all taken from the EG Buehrle Collection in what police called “a spectacular robbery.” The thieves are still at large and will be particularly proud to have pulled off the largest art robbery in Swiss history and one of Europe’s biggest ever.
While one of the men used a pistol to force museum personnel to the floor, the two others went into the exhibition hall and collected the four paintings. They loaded the impressionist classics into a white van in front of the museum and made their getaway with canvasses partly sticking out the doors. A reward of £50,000 is available for information leading to the recovery of the paintings.
The robbers may consider taking this offer themselves when they realise nobody in their right mind wants to buy paintings the entire world knows are stolen.

MEDDLING medics have angered binge boozers by calling for price increases and restrictions on alcohol availability to stem the toll of death and harm caused by excessive drinking.
The British Medical Association have demanded higher taxes on alcohol and curbs on supermarket cut-price deals, happy hours and other promotional offers. After extensive investigations, the BMA believes: “The UK is in the midst of an epidemic and tough action is needed to tackle alcohol misuse which is spiralling out of control.”
They obviously aren’t aware that drinking in Britain has been out of control for thousands of years now – and that pricey beer won’t change anything.

A SCI-FI geek has lived out a childhood dream by marrying his sweetheart dressed as Star Wars villain Darth Vader.
Terry Eden, whose bride Liz went as a Jedi Knight, opted for a fancy dress wedding to make it as memorable as possible. He said: “It’s a little boy’s dream to get married as Darth Vader.”
Continuing the sc-fi theme, Mum Carrie dressed as Dr Who, while hubby Mike was Flash Gordon villain Ming the Merciless at the fancy-dress do in Newbury, Berks. Carrie said: “For a wedding you have to strike a balance between looking good and being able to sit and eat your dinner.”
Or strike a balance between dressing appropriately and looking like a complete muppet.

SOCIALLY awkward Bernard Manning lookalikes all over the world can look forward to having sex with robots in the near future, a top scientist claims. Half the population will copulate with sex machines, and many sad bastards will even marry them if it’s legal, claims artificial intelligence expert David Levy.
Within 40 years the hot bots’ bodies, faces and voices will be so lifelike people will barely tell the difference, he reckons. And they could provide pleasure for millions of people too shy or too ugly to find love.
Mr Levy, 62, said: “It will be very good for society – great sex on tap 24/7. I’d certainly want to experience sex with such a robot – and I’m happily married!” Japanese boffins already make robots that care for the elderly, and sex-bots are the next logical step, he says.
Possible names for the futuristic sex robots could be Hard-2-D2, Metal Dickey or The Sperminator.

A BRADFORD-BASED bottom bugler who claimed she was relentlessly taunted by colleagues because of chronic flatulence lost her discrimination claim at an employment tribunal.
The classy lady claimed she was subjected to cruel jibes from staff at Leeds Metropolitan University due to severe irritable bowel syndrome. The tribunal heard how one colleague said: “She opens the window because she sits there and stinks the place out. We shouldn’t have to put up with it.”
She was eventually dismissed after taking extended periods off work without sick notes and a deteriorating standard of work. The tribunal banned the naming of the windy woman, saying irritable bowel syndrome is a disability. If that’s the case, there are a lot of disabled people in Australian hostel toilets on Sunday mornings.
Despite telling the hearing she would hear “exaggerated sniffing noises” and “unhumorous” bowel jokes - the claims for disability and racial discrimination, as well as constructive dismissal, was rejected. Shit happens.

FED-UP fire chiefs in Lancashire are considering charging fees to help move fat people.
The levy will be placed on hospitals, nursing homes, police or other agencies if they are called in to move grossly overweight porkers – although charging individuals is not under consideration. Crews were called out eight times last year to assist other services in moving people weighing in excess of 30 stones. God knows how the fire services would cope if a blaze ever broke out at a darts tournament.
One man-mountain had to be lifted from his bed in a ‘cherry picker’ and lowered in a mechanical cage after the removal of a window frame. A service spokesman said: “We aren’t prejudiced against these people, we’re helping them out. But we have to consider whether it’s appropriate in some cases to charge other agencies for our services.” The move comes after a government report warned that, if weight gain in Britain continues at its current rate, 60 per cent of men, half of all women and a quarter of all children will be clinically obese by 2050.
The consequent impact of health problems on society would cost Britain more than £45 billion a year.

A RANDY British copper made for an arresting sight when he whipped out his love truncheon in sleazy porn films.
Burly ‘bobby’ James Eardley got so fed up putting his life on the line tackling criminals for £20,000 a year, he quit to put his wedding tackle on the line instead – for three times the pay. Instead of being one of the boys in blue he’s now one of the boys in blue movies – and he’s loving every filthy minute.
James’s saucy career switch was fixed by a contact in the adult entertainment business. Since chucking away the uniform, chubby James, from Cheshire has appeared on a live internet sex show and has also done two red-hot magazine shoots for overseas publications, including an X-rated three-in-a-bed romp. “When I left the force three weeks ago it was a massive relief,” he said.
“You become a copper to help people but the reality was different. You get abused and threatened for trying to tackle drunks and violent yobs. “Now I just have sex with lovely women and get paid loads for it. And no forms to fill in. It’s great!”

AN AUSTRALIAN barmaid has been fined over £400 for performing a truly titillating party trick – by exposing her large boobs and crushing beer cans between them. Another off-duty female barmaid was also fined £220 for hanging spoons on the barmaid’s nipples, and their manager was made to pay for not stopping them.
Barmaid Luana De Faveri, 31, was fined after pleading guilty to twice showing her bare breasts to lucky patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of Perth in Western Australia. “She was alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences, which is in breach of the hotel licensing laws,” said police – who must have thoroughly enjoyed examining the evidence.
The Perth licensing laws must make an interesting read: ‘Section 5, Paragraph 2 – It is an offence for a barmaid to crush beer cans between her breasts for entertainment.’ Spoil sports.

IRELAND’S most famous export, Guinness, is enjoying an upsurge in popularity.
Rumours of the demise of “the black stuff” have been greatly exaggerated as sales in Ireland staged an impressive comeback in the last six months of 2007, after millions of euro were ploughed into a major advertising campaign, quality control and improving off-licence sales.
Ireland’s most popular drink had been in a steady decline since the introduction of the smoking ban, coupled with younger drinkers expressing a preference for lighter-tasting lagers, ciders and the increasing popularity of wine. The brand accounts for 40 per cent of the pub trade in Ireland, with a staggering one million pints of Guinness being sold daily.
“In the pubs, the big investment we made on quality is coming through,” said Irish-through-and-through Guinness managing director Michael Ioakimides.

THE FIGURES released this week for the combined personal wealth of Irish households makes Ireland seem like Beverley Hills 90210. Forget about asking “who wants to be a millionaire in Ireland,” because a better question is “who isn’t a millionaire?” The combined personal wealth of the country has now exceeded a staggering €1 trillion, with the average per household wealth totalling €674,000.
Showing just how quickly Ireland’s fortunes have transformed from stony-broke to filthy rich, the new National Irish Bank report estimated that household wealth has doubled in just five years.
The figures show that the affluent Irish now have more Mercedes cars per head than Germany, 7.3m cases of wine in their cellars, 25,000 yachts and 140 helicopters. Since 2003 they’ve also bought more private jets than any country in Europe while 60 per cent of farms purchased around Dublin in 2006 were lifestyle purchases.

FAT dancer Robbie Williams is keen to go from eating pies to making them after life partner Max Beesley revealed they would enjoy being Gordon Ramsay’s kitchen bitches.
The macho duo love to watch cooking programmes together at Robbie’s LA mansion and reckon they could handle the celebrity chef’s infamous temper. The Last Enemy actor briefly took his hands off his best mate’s coat tails to say: “We sit and watch TV with a decaffeinated latte from Starbucks and Honey & Mustard Kettle Chips.
“We might do a Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares special. I’m a big foodie and I wouldn’t mind Gordon’s tongue-lashings.” However, gobby Gordon once claimed that women “couldn’t cook to save their lives” and “the problem with Yanks is they are wimps.”
As weirdo Williams has seemingly made a concerted effort to become both female and American in recent years, he may want to think again before going anywhere near Ramsay and his knife drawer.

FULL-TIME skin-flint and part-time clothes horse Liz Hurley has gagged a maid who claimed the model paid her just £1.40 an hour. Violet D’Souza was due to make the claims about Hurley – who has a reported £13 million fortune – at an employment tribunal but the case was dropped after she accepted a five-figure settlement.
Violet worked for up to 70 hours a week at the couple’s Chelsea home, sometimes starting at 7.30am and not finishing until 3am the next morning. Didn’t the foolish woman know she should be grateful to be working for such famous people? How dare she ask for money at all?

THE ARCTIC Monkeys stole the show at the Brit Awards as they arrived dressed like lords of the manor – and duly lorded it over other pop pretenders. They picked up the coveted double of best band and album – Favourite Worst Nightmare – for the second successive year, and could actually be arsed to collect the awards in person for the first time.
Pop had been tipped to dominate proceedings but lost out to more alternative music in most categories at the star-studded Earl’s Court ceremony. Leona Lewis was pipped by Kate Nash for the best female gong and her annoying dirge Bleeding Love lost out to Take That’s Shine for the best single.
Trendy super-producer Mark Ronson beat camp-as-a-row-of-tents Mika to best male, but the ponce did collect best breakthrough act. The action jumped from falsetto tits to false sets o’ teeth as pop pensioners Take That clinched the prize for best live act.
Paul McCartney ended the show with a hits medley to mark his outstanding contribution prize, which he dedicated to his ex-wife. Linda or Heather? Have a guess.

MICHAEL JACKSON was axed from the Grammy Awards after a series of diva-like demands – including having the whole evening dedicated to his career. The 49-year-old plastic pop prince was due to appear at the ceremony for a tribute marking the 25th anniversary re-release of the world’s best-selling album ever, Thriller. Jackson is believed to have asked the show’s presenters to refer to him as ‘The King of Pop’ at least 30 times throughout the night.
Infuriated Grammy producer Ken Ehrlich told Jackson first to take a look at the Man In The Mirror and eventually to Beat It when the demands got too far-fetched. Producers were relieved to find a like-for-like replacement for Wacko Jacko – another pale- skinned, dark-haired, freakish man who has also had recent dealings with the police.
They couldn’t thank Amy Winehouse enough.

DELINQUENT Drew Barrymore – who used alcohol and drugs aged 10 and entered rehab at 13 – has urged Britney Spears and her generation of troubled young stars to “pull themselves together.”
The Charlie’s Angels star, who shot to fame in E.T. when she was seven, believes the only way to beat drink and drug demons is to do it for yourself. “If you don’t pull it together for yourself, no one else will. That’s coming from a person who had to try it all and who still loves to have a good time,” she said, racking up a road-marker of a line.
She also insists on never letting any personal problems affect her work: “I do believe in ‘work hard, play hard,’ but ‘work hard’ always comes first.” Drew has also kindly agreed to lend her voice to the forthcoming water safety campaign by Michael Barrymore and child safety campaign by Wacko Jacko.

THE WILD West style fighting at Coleen McLoughlin’s 18th birthday party has ensured only parents and siblings will be invited when she marries erudite wit Wayne Rooney.
The king and queen of chavs will tie the knot in the Mediterranean this summer, but their extended families won’t be part of lavish celebrations on a luxury yacht – sparking outrage amongst the two clans.
A row started by Rooney’s relatives four years ago led to mass brawling before police arrived telling everyone to ‘calm down, calm down.’ The fisticuffs encouraged an upset Wayne to punch a wall rather than a potential in-law, injuring his hand in the process. This time they are determined to keep things trouble-free.
A shady Scouse source said: “Coleen has told them there will be a big party to celebrate when they arrive home. But Wayne’s aunties and uncles have said they won’t attend.”

JACKASS joker Johnny Knoxville came close to losing his testicles when he made a balls-up of an audacious motorbike stunt. The 36-year-old daredevil – who is surely rich enough not to have to risk parting with his bollocks for the amusement of others – was rushed to hospital after his attempt to back-flip on a motorcycle went wrong.
After returning from filming a tribute to Evel Knievel in Oklahoma, he wrote in his blog: “I had a ball, too, even though I almost lost my own balls in the process! “Let’s just say before I did a back-flip on a motorcycle I should have learned how to ride one first.
“I have to go now. I have to empty the piss bag on my leg that I have to wear for the next two weeks until my torn urethra heals.” Accompanying the blog was a picture of two pairs of his trousers, covered in blood around the groin area. It’s OK, we believed you, Johnny.

KERRY KATONA admits that she’s not always awake when she has sex with husband Mark Croft. The couple have been filmed for new fly-on-the-wall documentary Crazy In Love and in one clip Mark, 37, is seen boasting about their steamy love life. But Kerry, 27, seems less than impressed by his performance.
“In one scene we’ve edited, Mark and Kerry are talking to some people in the back garden,” a production insider tells the News Of The World. “Mark says, ‘We were having a bit last night. I asked her this morning if it were any good.’” ‘Then Kerry jumps in and says, ‘No, I was asleep.’”

GINGER whinger and Girls Aloud backing singer Nicola Roberts has revealed she was once so unhappy with her looks that she drank like a fish to escape self-hatred.
Red hair, pale skin and an apparent inability to smile saw her dubbed ‘the ugly one’ of the group when they rose to fame in 2002. “My self-esteem was at rock bottom,” she admitted. “People on the radio and TV started making nasty comments about me and I felt awful.
“My way of dealing with it was to go home as often as I could to go out with my mates and get slaughtered. It was the only thing I could do to block everything out.” But despite a difficult few years, the 22-year-old has finally come through her depression and found happiness: “The great thing about women is that we’re all different. “I’ve still got bright red hair, a skinny body and blue legs but I like the fact I’m different.”
At least her looks guaranteed she didn’t attract any attention from love-rat footballers.

LAIRY ladette Lily Allen has defended her catastrophic new ‘yoof’ TV show by insisting the studio audience only left halfway through the show because “recording over-ran.”
When the singer-turned-presenter was recording the forthcoming programme Lily And Friends for BBC3 it was hit by a string of problems including a broken teleprompter which left her reading from handwritten cue cards.
The highlight of the fiasco featured a nervous and hyperactive Lily asking guest Cuba Gooding Junior if he “had a massive cock?” But even that wasn’t enough for the whooping audience of half-wits, the majority of whom walked out of the Pinewood recording studio before the end. The singer wrote on her blog: “Due to it being the first show we’ve done we ran over a little and naturally a small number of the audience had to catch the last trains back to wherever they came from. I’m really happy with the results.
“The audience were great. Standing in a hot studio for two hours watching me fluff my lines is not my idea of fun but they seemed to enjoy it.” The legendary Pinewood Studios, home to illustrious titles such as: James Bond, Stars Wars, Superman and now Lily Allen and Friends. But to her credit, it’s quite an achievement to make The Word’s Terry Christian look like Parkinson. Well done, Lily.

IN A further blow to its credibility, the readers of Q magazine have voted Mancunian bad-boy rockers Oasis first and second in its all-time best album charts. Definitely Maybe from 1994 was voted top of the 50 best-ever British albums with the 1995 follow-up (What’s The Story) Morning Glory? second. Radiohead’s 1997 masterpiece OK Computer came third while Amy Winehouse was the only female on the list, with Back To Black at 35. Under the Iron Sea by that colossus of British rock, Keane, came in at a ludicrous eighth place.
Taking into account the countless classic albums from British bands such as the aforementioned Radiohead, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Queen, The Sex Pistols, Stone Roses, The Clash, The Verve and a certain quartet from Liverpool who were quite successful in their day, their results are obviously skewed in favour of the younger cohort. No doubt because of the fact that they are most likely to vote online.
Editor Paul Rees said: “Having polled three times more votes than any other act, Oasis are undoubtedly the nation’s most loved band.” Q magazine’s Top 10 Best British Albums are: 1. Definitely Maybe, Oasis; 2 (What’s The Story) Morning Glory? Oasis; 3 OK Computer, Radiohead; 4 Revolver, The Beatles; 5 The Stone Roses, The Stone Roses; 6 Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, The Beatles; 7 London Calling, The Clash; 8 Under The Iron Sea, Keane; 9 Dark Side Of The Moon, Pink Floyd; 10 Urban Hymns, The Verve.

GERIATRIC rockers The Rolling Stones, without the slightest hint of irony, have warned Amy Winehouse and other young stars to stay off drugs – perhaps they want all the narcotics for themselves.
Ex-heroin addict Keith Richards, 64, said of the five-time Grammy-winner: “She should get her act together.” Quite right Keith, already in her twenties and she hasn’t even snorted a dead relative’s ashes yet. Pathetic.
Sir Mick Jagger, 64, who was jailed in 1967 for possessing drugs, added: “When we were experimenting, little was known about the effects. In our time, there were no rehab centres. Anyway, I didn’t know about them.” Chances are Jagger and Richards didn’t know their own names in 1967.
A spokesman said: “Mick and Keith were asked to give their views about Amy and did so.”

CAR CRASH ‘reality’ television has plumbed new depths with the cringe-worthy premiere episode of Kerry Katona’s new TV series. Despite being entitled Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love the MTV documentary shows the ex-Atomic Kitten ‘babe’ spending most of the programme telling her husband to “shut your face” and “shut your trap.”
The programme gives a new insight into her bizarre marriage to former cab driver Mark Croft, who, describing himself as romantic, says to Kerry: “You make me laugh, you’re kind, you spoil me, you did have big tits but they’ve gone south at the minute haven’t they. They have darling and we have talked about you getting a boob reduction.”

RED-BLOODED male music fans have been plunged into mourning with the announcement that Kylie Minogue is hanging up the gold hot pants that hugged her notoriously nubile derriere in the Spinning Around video.
With her 40th birthday looming, Kylie has decided to drop her trademark pants for a more “demure look.” Which means any bloke looking forward to the next tantalising glimpse of Kylie’s famously pert bum will be sorely disappointed.
The pint-sized pop princess has enlisted the help of French designer and all-round nutcase Jean Paul Gaultier to design a set of “sophisticated” costumes for her upcoming 47-date European tour, KylieX 2008.
Gaultier previously designed the costumes for Madonna’s Blonde Ambition tour, which featured the infamous conical bra-cups, so we’re not sure sophistication is what Kylie will end up getting.

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EVEN the much-hyped ‘Super Tuesday,’ and all the surrounding razzmatazz has failed to separate leading Democrat presidential candidates Barack Obama and Bilary Clinton.
Both candidates had reason to claim victory, with Obama winning 13 states to Clinton’s 8 – but with Clinton clinching crucial states like California and Massachusetts. Despite being the first African-American in history with a realistic chance of becoming President, Obama has refused to play the race card while Hillary has burst into tears at strategic moments in the campaign in a cynical attempt to ingratiate herself with the ‘sisterhood.’
Meanwhile, Republican Vietnam veteran John McCain now has a free run at running as the Republican candidate after blowing the other nobodies out of the water.

MARKETING geniuses in Adelaide have launched a campaign to lure Brits to sunnier climes with adverts headed “Sod London House Prices” and “Stuff London Traffic.” The cunning campaign also features persuasive posters with strap-lines “Screw Working in Staines” and “Bugger it, I’m off to Adelaide” - attempting to attract students and skilled professionals.
Adelaidians claim ‘the city of churches’ is one of the world’s least expensive and highlight its fine businesses, universities, wine, beaches and average summer temperature of 28 degrees.
A campaign spokesman said: “It’s a stand-off challenge for people to stick two fingers up to the UK and reach out for a far superior way of life.”

THE LIFE of a nine-month-old German girl was saved after she was thrown by desperate parents from a third-floor window of a blazing flat – and caught by a heroic policeman.
As flames engulfed the building in Germany, baby Onur plummeted through thick smoke before landing safely in the cop’s arms 40 feet below. The fire broke out on the first floor before wooden stairs acted like a chimney, driving flames upwards.
Rene Werse, who took a picture of the falling child, said: “I saw things I shall never forget.” Whether the parents would have thrown the baby if an England wicketkeeper was standing below is unclear.

THE TRIED and tested cornerstones of the Tory Party – sleaze and corruption – have made a welcome return this week with the revelation that MP Derek Conway sacked his loyal secretary and gave his wife the job.
Since his secretary’s dismissal, money-grabbing Conway has ensured his wife Colette, who works legitimately as his secretary, and their sons Freddie and Henry have raked in a whopping £374,401 from the taxpayer. And when former secretary Susan Davenport questioned his decision, the swaggering egomaniac flew into a rage, bellowing: “No one gets in my way! I will crush you! Crush you!”
The cynical stunt heaps more shame on the disgraced MP, who has been forced to stand down at the next election. And in a further study into political back-scratching, research has shown 144 of Parliament’s 646 MPs admitted members of their families worked for them – three times higher than estimates made last week.

IN THE comic understatement of the century, the French rogue trader accused of a £3.7 billion bank fraud admitted: “I got a bit carried away.”
Arrogant banker Jerome Kerviel came out of hiding to deny responsibility for the scandal, saying: “I refuse to be a scapegoat for my bank.” However, the hopes of Societe Generale being lenient on their former employee don’t look good.
At one stage he allegedly gambled a mind-blowing £37 billion – more than the entire bank was worth and greater than the gross national product of Morocco. Some flutter.

SOZZLED student Chris Foster refused to end a drinking binge – and bizarrely swallowed his front door key to avoid being sent home. The student was told he’d had enough to drink after a titanic binge of six beers, half a litre of vodka and some whisky at a mate’s flat. But Chris, 18, after some considered reflection, disagreed and gulped his key.
Next day he borrowed a key, went home and got changed before ending up at hospital, where an X-ray showed the key in his stomach. It eventually emerged naturally – albeit a little painfully – 31 hours later.
“I was too drunk to remember doing it,” said Chris, of Bournemouth, while sitting down gingerly and cursing the day he bought that corkscrew keyring.

A DRUG-FUELLED burglar suffered a crisis of conscience mid-way through ransacking a social club - but despite begging to be arrested was told police were too busy. Liam Tomlinson, who was thrown out of the army for heroin abuse, dialled 999 after breaking into the clubhouse of Burnley side Rossendale United FC. However, despite eight previous convictions for break-ins, he was allowed to continue his villainy because no patrol car was available.
The boys in blue were clearly too busy ‘helping’ fill government coffers by stopping someone driving at 31mph. It was only after two more burglaries over the next 12 days that he was finally brought before magistrates, where he pleaded guilty to all three counts - but still escaped jail.

THE DREAM of breakfast on Bondi Beach being followed by your mum’s Sunday roast will soon become reality with the new “Son of Concorde” flying between London and Sydney in under five hours.
Travelling at five times the speed of sound, the hypersonic airliner is being heralded as the future of modern air travel. The revolutionary aircraft, when built, will carry 300 passengers at top speeds of 3,400mph. It will also satisfy environmentalists with hi-tech liquid hydrogen-powered engines producing far lower carbon emissions, making aur travel greener. Engineers believes the plane will be built and ready to take off within 15 years.
It has not yet been decided whether flights will be scheduled to allow customers to watch two different episodes of Neighbours on the same day.

RACIST morons who taunted British F1 driver Lewis Hamilton during testing could cost Spain its Grand Prix, F1 chiefs have warned. The Spanish Grand Prix is scheduled for May while Valencia is due to host the European Grand Prix for the first time three months later. But Spanish organizers were warned they could be stripped of their events if there is a repeat of the abuse during pre-season tests before next month’s opening race. Whizkid Hamilton — a hate figure among Spaniards after a bitter row with ex-McLaren teammate Fernando Alonso last year — faced boos and racist chants as he tested his new car at Barcelona’s Montmelo circuit.
A motor racing website displayed photographs of Spanish F1 supporters wearing black make-up and dark wigs at the track, with white t-shirts emblazoned with ‘Hamilton’s Family’ on the front and ‘Alonso No1’ on the back.
Witnesses at last week’s testing said sick spectators shouted “black shit” and “f***ing black” whenever mixed race Lewis - whose mum Carmen is white and dad Anthony is black - made a pitstop.
This episode is the latest in a history of racist abuse involving Spanish fans. In 2004 Ashley Cole and Rio Ferdinand were abused during an international friendly in Madrid. Spanish coach Luis Aragones also branded Thierry Henry “a black shit.” Charming.

BOOB jobs have swelled to record levels in the UK – for men as well as women. More men than ever seem to be sprouting a set of man-boobs that would put Meatloaf to shame. As a result, the number of blokes who had their expanding breasts reduced in 2007 with so-called ‘moob jobs’ soared by 27 per cent to 224.
Meanwhile, 98 Bernard Manning look-alikes had tummy tucks to lose their beer guts – a 61 per cent hike. Boozing, overeating and more female hormones in the environment have been blamed for blokes sprouting grotesque moobs, according to the fittingly named plastic surgery association, BAAPS.
London-based surgeon Dalia Nield said: “In the past men put up with having strange shaped bodies. Now they know there is a solution.”

A RANDY French airline pilot has been filmed groping a naked stewardess in the cockpit of an airplane bound for the UK. The leering airline captain was clearly shown mauling a saucy stewardess’s breast – as she performs a strip-tease in mid-air. It is understood the pilot and his First Officer invited the attendant up front to liven up a European short-haul flight to London. The girl, in her 20’s and wearing a wedding ring, happily obliged.
The amorous airman was seen whooping for joy as the trolley dolly unbuttoned her uniform. He even managed to take his hands off his joystick to help unhook her top before carrying out a full inspection in the cockpit. And, at one point, she even lifted her skirt to show her undercarriage. Their antics were filmed by another member of the French crew and posted on the net. Last night a probe was underway at several European airlines to find those involved.

INNOCENT people in the UK who thought they were supporting a religious school are being duped into buying weapons for the Taliban. Gloating extremist Mohammed Nawaz Raja is accused of running a network of door-to-door money-raisers collecting thousands for his fake ‘charity,’ which is allegedly funding terrorists in Afghanistan.
The Muslim fanatic is also sponging off state benefits, despite living in a five-bedroom house worth £350,000. The terror scrounger claims to have sent the Taliban hundreds of thousands of pounds. Despite purporting to hate everything Britain stands for, hypocritical Raja is more than happy to accept benefit money and use it to buy weapons to kill British troops and taxpayers.
“Take for example a small family with four children, if the husband works he would get £300 to £400 a week. And if he doesn’t work the government still pay him around that, so why should he work?
“If he works he gets around £350 a week and if he doesn’t he gets £300. For just £50, who would work?” he said, showing he may have more in common with the average British male than he realises.

ONE of Ireland’s top models has become the target of a sick hate campaign.
The high profile model and organiser of the Miss Ireland competition, Andrea Roche, has hit out against a series of ‘poison pen’ letters that have been sent to several newspapers last week. “The idea that a very sick and very cowardly person is obsessed with you enough to do this is obviously scary and quite upsetting,” she said.
Roche believes that the letters may have the same origin as another series of correspondence that was sent a year and a half ago, before her wedding to PJ Mansfield. The incident is currently under investigation by Gardai but considering the sheer amount of vindictive, shallow back-stabbers that populate the fashion industry, it may take some time to find the culprit.

AN ECONOMIC expert believes that Ireland has completely pissed away its new found wealth and prosperity over the last 15 years.
“The boom of the last 15 years created a wave of irrational exuberance,” according to Austin Hughes, chief economist at IIB Bank. “Too many houses were built. Too much cash was spent. Too many prices were raised excessively. Too much money was borrowed. The culture of conspicuous consumption engendered by the boom was unsustainable,” he said.
The economic expert was speaking following the release of latest live register figures, which revealed a 7,800 increase in the jobless total in the past month - further proof, if needed, that Ireland’s economy is going down the toilet from whence to came. Austin Hughes also predicted further job lay-offs in the manufacturing and construction industries - great news for publicans and bookmakers.

KINKY Kelly Brook gives baldy boyfriend Billy Zane a licence to thrill by acting out James Bond-style fantasies in hotel bedrooms around the world.
The buxom beauty revealed she and her actor fiancé spice up their long-distance relationship by planning 007-style rendezvous in different countries. The couple divide their time between homes in LA and Kent and are often separated because of work commitments. Kelly raved about her sensational spy sex, saying: “It can be great having a long-distance relationship because you don’t take the other person for granted. You actually really appreciate them.
“You can have great rendezvous in hotels all over the world. It can all be very James Bond!” Unfortunately for men across the globe the spawny slaphead will be the only one to see what Kelly reveals after saying ‘this is For Your Eyes Only.’

THE MAN who achieved the unthinkable and made flimsy swimming trunks cool again, Daniel Craig, admits that fans taking pictures of his classified pecker on mobile phones drives him insane.
The Bond actor said he has no problem with signing autographs – but draws the line at people snapping him taking a leek.
Daniel said: “People try to take pictures of me when I’m having a piss and it’s not welcome and never will be.” Let’s hope Daniel shakes and doesn’t stir.

PASTY public school ponce Johnny Borrell has added another Hollywood hottie to his hit list after casting his spell on Harry Potter star Emma Watson. The Razorlight rocker was pictured during a night out with the pretty 17-year-old actress, who plays schoolgirl Hermione Granger in the hit movies. The pair shared a taxi from a party at London’s National Portrait Gallery to local nightclub Dolce, where they danced the night away.
An onlooker said: “They looked like they were getting on really well. While nothing happened, there was an obvious chemistry between them.” Watson – who wore a tight strapless mini-dress – appeared keen to present a more grown up image and was starstruck by the ex-druggie.
But after Kirsten Dunst dumped Borrell last year for being too much of a bad boy, friends have warned her about a dangerous dalliance with a man ten years older. He obviously wants her to start holding a different type of magic wand.

RAMSAY Street veteran Ian Smith wants to go from playing pompous pensioner Harold Bishop to a pimpin’ playa after quitting Neighbours. The 69-year-old actor made the shock confession that he wants a drastic image change after ending his 20-year stint on the cult Aussie soap. Completely unaware that he is type-cast and will be forced to return to the show tail between his legs, Smith says he wants to try something new and is prepared to upset devoted fans.
He managed to keep a straight face when saying: “I’ve loved playing Harold, but I’d much rather turn up in The Bill as a baddie. I’d like to play a real nasty piece of work, like a pimp. “It would definitely raise a few eyebrows and be completely different to what people expect of me.”
Producers of the show – now shown on channel five in Britain – have left the door open for old jelly belly to return if he chooses. Give it a couple of pantomime seasons and he’ll be back.

HEATHER MILLS is an insatiable nymphomaniac who allegedly had marathon sex sessions behind Paul McCartney’s back, claim The News of The World. Lady Mucca’s reputation is now so damaged that she may have to settle for a fraction of the £80 million she originally sought to buy her silence. Film editor Tim Steel, her clandestine lover, said:
“Heather was insatiable between the sheets and she liked to call me her four-times-a-night guy. “Most of the time it was multiple orgasms. Heather has a very unusual erogenous zone – her stump. I used to massage one particular sensitive area of it and give her an orgasm! “I’m a fit guy but she had tremendous stamina. We’d be at it like rabbits. She was up for it anywhere too. Once she gave me a blow job under the desk while I was working in my editing suite.
“It was all sex – I’d come home from work to find her waiting for me naked in bed. If ever I was too tired for it, Heather would get angry and kick me out of bed. “She had a hoard of vibrators of all shapes and sizes for when she was home alone. Her favourite was a huge back massager that she plugged into the mains. “My mates always used to joke that they knew when I was away on business because the lights in London dimmed!”

NEVER one to shy away from making public lurid details which others would take to their grave, Pete Burns wannabe Jordan has bashfully volunteered the spine-chilling details of her fourth boob job.
The model of elegant deportment is so disappointed by her disfigured and deflated mammeries that she is now considering a quite ludicrous fifth boob job to reduce her plastic puppies further.
“When I saw my boobs I was disappointed because they looked big and I wanted them to be a lot smaller. “They look fine in a bra but they hang too low when I’m standing up and it’s really bad when I’m lying down. There’s about a four inch gap. I’ve also got indents so you can see where the implant is sitting.”
Jordan also revealed that her latest surgery has doused the flames of her once animalistic passion with husband Peter Andre. Seems strange – that four inch gap should be just perfect for pint-sized Andre.

NOTORIOUS lothario Jack Nicholson, who has slept with 2,000 women, claims that he is a feminist. The geriatric gigolo, who only last week confessed to taking Viagra when having threesomes, claims that his reputation as a callous cad is uncalled for – and that he is actually a right-on new-man.
Nicholson, like the plot from one of his bizarre movies, was raised to think that his mother was his sister and that his grandmother was his mother, and claims that this taught him to respect strong women – or at least want to shag them by the score.
“I was raised by two strong women. I heard all I needed to hear on their knee. I heard, ‘You think this ‘pr**k’ would have treated a man like this in a business deal?’ “In that way I was familiar with feminism long before the newspapers.”

CELEBRATED director and infamous dirty old man Woody Allen has come up with a cast iron way of making his next movie a box office smash – casting Scarlett Johansen and Penelope Cruz in an “extremely erotic” lesbian sex scene.
Allen will have Latina lovely Cruz going loco for Johannsen’s all-conquering Nordic norks in a classic case of honest-to-goodness smut posing as art. A mysteriously well informed movie insider said: “It is extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and the whole scene will leave the audience gasping.”
It’s thought Woody demanded re-take after re-take of the scene - to get it just right. Vicky Cristina Barcelona is expected to be released later this year.

TOUGH-GUY actor Sylvester Stallone has admitted he was terrified filming the new Rambo movie – after receiving a string of death threats. The hard-man was filming the latest action blockbuster on the remote Thai/Burmese border, when both he and the crew received a series of sinister warnings. In this latest installment Rambo has retreated to a simple life in Thailand, salvaging old boats, capturing snakes and collecting his weekly pension.
The previous 1988 installment, the imaginatively titled Rambo 3, featured Rambo taking on the entire Russian Army in Afghanistan armed with just a bow and arrow, proving that gritty reality was never Stallone’s strong point.
There are unconfirmed reports that 61-year-old Stallone’s next appearance as Rambo will be entitled: Rambo 5 ‘Bus Pass To Hell.’

THERE are two big reasons why an injured Dolly Parton has postponed her upcoming tour – her world-famous breasts. The country icon’s North American tour was scheduled to begin later this month, but doctors have ordered her to rest for eight weeks because of the damage her double-D delights have done to her back.
Dolly revealed she is keen to get something off her chest – hoping a breast reduction will relieve pain. The Jolene singer said: “They have been a trademark for me – but I’ve paid one hell of a price. “You try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems.” However, her novel exercise routines may also have something to do with the injury:
“I’ve been breaking my neck and bending over backwards trying to get my new Backwoods Barbie CD and world tour together,” Parton added. We’re no doctors, but reckon breaking your neck and bending over backwards would cause at least minor discomfort.

THE HELL-RAISER with the voice of an angel, Amy Winehouse, stuck two fingers up to the US authorities who denied her a visa because of her drug charges – by sweeping the boards at the Grammys.
Amy won in an incredible five out of the six categories she was nominated in, only losing out to Herbie Hancock in the album of the year. Amy picked up the awards for Record of the Year: Rehab, Song of the Year: Rehab, New Artist, Pop Vocal Album: Back to Black and Female Pop Vocal Performance: Rehab.
You could say she was in smokin’ form. And certainly not the first time she has had a few ‘grammies’ tucked in her pocket. A usual with Amy, while her career explodes her personal life implodes, begging the question, as with Pete Doherty, are the record buying public suckers for a tale of the self-destructive genius? Amy’s deadbeat husband Blake Fielder-Civil, currently in prison for trying to pervert the course of justice, has been emotionally blackmailing Amy to stay with him – by falsely claiming to have attempted suicide in his cell.
The talentless thug wrote this heart-breaking love note: “Baby, oh darling. I’m so worried that now you’re thinking straight you’ll realise I’m not worthy of you.” A Prison Service source said: “We can state 100 per cent that he has not been involved in any suicide attempt.”

SCOTTISH music producer Calvin Harris has, with refreshing candour, confessed that he regrets not stringing the media along that he was dating Kylie Minogue in order to sell more albums.
Former Marks and Spencer shelf-stacker Harris was linked to pop’s most famous midget shortly after her split from French love-rat Olivier Martinez. Harris co-wrote and produced two songs on Kylie’s recent album and the tabloids put two and two together and added unfounded sexual intrigue, reporting that they were an unlikely item. Calvin, who must hardly be strapped for cash given his recent chart success, realises he naively passed up a golden opportunity to cash in on his fleeting tabloid 15 minutes of fame.
“Had I been a bit more intelligent about it I could have kept it going for months. “I would have been Kylie’s boyfriend Calvin Harris and I would have sold a few more albums,” said Calvin, showing that fame has gone to his head by speaking about himself in the third person.

QUEEN guitarist Brian May has claimed, in all seriousness, that he didn’t know that arguably the most flamboyant homosexual of all time, Freddie Mercury, was gay.
Eagle-eyed May’s Gaydar seems to have malfunctioned quite spectacularly over a number of years: “It was only in the 1980s that he started bringing men backstage who had that particular Adonis look. “When I shared a room with him on tour in the early days I can assure you it was girls who generally stayed overnight.
“But he seemed to be what these days you would call metrosexual. He was into his hair, his clothes. He definitely led the way with regard to preening.” May also claimed that the exuberant showman was an introvert when not performing: “Freddie was probably more shy than any of us. His way of coping with that was to act like a god onstage.”

RAGGED reprobate Pete Doherty is charging just $200 to perform at private parties – enough for a few hits at least. The derelict attention seeker and hopeless drug abuser, who once admitted that Kate Moss left him because “my dick is too small,” agreed to play at a fan’s party for the, even for Doherty, demeaning sum of $200.
A source said: “The birthday girl’s dad told him she was a huge fan and that he’d give him $200 to perform at her party. “Pete was flattered and happy to oblige so he turned up and played his big hits.” Shouldn’t have taken too long. “Everyone had a great time. Her dad told the local paper and Pete is now in huge demand.” Looks like the former Libertine has finally found his level – rock bottom.

IT’S a long way from X Factor to respect in ‘da hood’ but that is exactly what Leona Lewis – or her marketing gurus – has tried to achieve, with her claims that she saw friends shot in her London youth. The easy–on–the–eye winner of last year’s X factor, described by Simon Cowell as “absolutely the best contestant I have ever had across any of these shows,” made a truly cringe-worthy attempt to garner some much-needed street cred.
“Most of my friends have been shot, stabbed or beaten up. Not so much the girls but the guys. All my friends have been in trouble. It’s part of you being young in London,” she said. Except a collaboration with Dr Dre anytime soon, with Leona sporting gang tats and rapping about her deceased homies.

THE WHO singer Roger Daltrey may have gone a little too far in trying to stress that his tempestuous relationship with noted internet researcher and sometime Who guitarist Pete Townshend is a positive one, claiming to be in “love” with him. Daltrey said: “Despite what people might say, we do actually like each other. I love the man. It doesn’t matter what I say about him, or he says about me, something happens when we create music together.”
Daltrey accepts the pair have had their differences over the course of their career, which has spanned an incredible four decades, but insists the friction has been beneficial. He explained to Q magazine: “There were musical differences, sure, but that tension was what made us who we are.”

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SPINELESS toad Tony Blair is set to bag himself yet another bumper payday with a job at Swiss insurance firm Zurich. The former Prime Minister has not been doing too badly since leaving office, having lined up a £2.5million a year role advising JP Morgan Chase. He is also expected to make up to £10 million on the sale of his autobiography, possibly titled How To Keep America Happy.
On top of these trifling payments, Blair already receives thousands from offering his sage advice at talks around the world and £64,000 a year for his Prime Ministerial pension. Looks like he really is a champagne socialist.
Labour MP Peter Kilfoyle – who was part of Blair’s campaign team when he ran for the party’s leadership in 1994 – huffed: “I’m amazed anybody would pay that much to somebody whose judgment has been shown to be so lacking. It makes me despair.”

FED-UP Britons are leaving the country in record numbers because of spiralling levels of immigration, crime and tax. As immigrants continue to pile into the UK, increasing numbers of Brits are fleeing the land of their birth in search of pastures greener. In 2007, 250,000 people left the country – that equates to one pissed off person boarding a plane every two minutes.
Only 207,000 left in 2006 and 149,000 in 1997 to the most popular destinations of Australia, New Zealand, France and Spain. Emigration expert Paul Arthur said from Barbados: “We have had record enquiries about emigration over this winter, with people not just wanting to escape the bleak weather, but seeking a whole change of lifestyle.
“Many are unhappy with the levels of crime, high taxes and the general way of life. Overseas there are more career opportunities, particularly in Australia and New Zealand which have huge shortfalls in skilled labour.”

JEREMY BEADLE has died of pneumonia in a London hospital aged 59. Best known for fronting the hit Eighties prank show Beadle’s About, Beadle also raised an incredible £100 million for charities. In his heyday, Beadle pulled in audiences of 15 million for shows like You’ve Been Framed which have now been hijacked by far better looking but less funny hosts like Kirsty Gallagher.
Dianne Nelmes, former producer of YBF said Beadle was best known for his pranks, “but in reality he was the kindest person you could ever meet.” Beadle’s health had been fading in recent years after he was diagnosed with a mild form of leukaemia and also had to have a cancerous kidney removed. He was awarded an MBE in 2001 for his charity work.

BOFFINS claim that cannabis is actually 5.7 times worse for you than ciggies. Scientists now believe that a spliff every day for ten years is, unsurprisingly, not great for your health, as per most enjoyable activities. Those that smoke a spliff every day for ten years are more likely to get cancer than their cigarette puffing counterparts.
The thinking behind the claims is that joint smokers inhaled more without proper filters. New Zealand’s hazy Medical Research Institute said: “In the future we may see an epidemic of lung cancer because of increasing use in youngsters.”

PRIVACY is seemingly a luxury of the past in Britain as it was discovered that 1,000 people a day are bugged. Councils, police and intelligence services are tapping and intercepting the phone calls, emails and letters of hundreds of thousands of people a year – although a quick search on Facebook would probably be of more success.
The report, by Sir Paul Kennedy, the Orwellian named Interception of Communications Commissioner, has revealed that Britain really has become a “surveillance state.” Shami Chakrabarti, the director of civil rights group Liberty, said: “It beggars belief that in a nine-month period, based on these figures, the entire City of Westminster could have had their phones tapped - yet Britain remains one of the few Western countries that won’t allow this evidence to be used in court… to prosecute criminals and terrorists.”

THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, famed around the world for being an austere and solemn house of political debate, has turned into a den of iniquity over the last few weeks – and for once we’re not talking about MPs’ fetishes for bizarre sex. Twice in the last month MPs have sworn at each other during parliamentary debates. Just a few weeks ago a Labour minister sullied Parliament’s reputation by dismissing complaints from troops serving in Iraq about life-threatening kit shortages as “absolute b*****ks.”
Of course, he knows better than the troops who have bullets and mortar whizzing passed their heads with nothing but tin helmets used in WWI for protection. This week Lib Dem MP Greg Mulholland called Labour frontbencher Ivan Lewis an “arsehole,” after he refused to let him speak in a debate over hospital funding. You would have thought a Lib Dem would have been used to being ignored by now.

PROSTITUTION should be legalised for the 2010 World Cup to reduce sexual assaults and bring in tax revenue, according to a South African MP. That’s a way of boosting the unemployment figures that Labour’s spin doctors will be kicking themselves they didn’t think of. The proposition by George Lekgetho should thrill regulars like Ronaldo and Rooney, should their teams qualify.
“It is one of the things that would make the tournament a success, because we hear of many rapes because people don’t have access to them, women,” Lekgetho told the Parliamentary arts and culture committee. Quite what prostitution has to do with art or culture is anyone’s guess. “If sex working is legalised, people would not do things in the dark. That would bring us tax and would improve the lives of those who are not working.” Should be less crowd trouble.

CHARMING French president Nicolas Sarkozy has threatened to sue luxury airliner Ryanair over an advertisement featuring a satirical photograph of him with his girlfriend Carla Bruni.
The advertisement, which was shown in Le Parisien newspaper, shows the pair happily staring into the sky with Carla Bruni saying: “With Ryanair, my whole family can come to my wedding.” The ad comes weeks after the couple apparently got married in a secret Paris wedding much to the chagrin of the French public, for some strange reason.
In the perfect example of Ryanair utilising the ‘any publicity is good publicity’ stunt, the company have also been forced to take down ads in the UK which show a slutty schoolgirl with the title: “Hottest back to school fares.”

NERDY University students who can’t get a bird perform better in exams than than students who are preoccupied with getting their end away, according to a new study.
Researchers questioned 1,000 undergraduates and found those at poorly performing colleges had the most number of sexual partners. For example, Peterhouse came close to bottom in the ranking order of colleges but more importantly came third in the promiscuity list. Its slower students has five sexual partners as opposed to three at Christ’s College, which came second in the academic rankings. Christ’s did have the privilege of having the most virgins in the UK though.
Students who study Medicine had the most sex buddies with eight while, unsurprisingly, Theology students kept things holy with only two partners on average. Well named editor of the study Ed Cumming said: “Those involved in postgraduate study are less likely to have had sex than their undergraduate counterparts. “It suggests that as long as you believe in sex before marriage, you will have lost your virginity by the time you graduate.”

AN AXE-WIELDING man, who was in a crowd of people waiting to see the Queen, has been sentenced to six years by a judge who said he wanted to provoke a reaction from armed police.
Ignoring the fact that he may well have wanted to chop Ma’am’s head off, the judge scolded Jonathan Durham Hall because if the police had to open fire on him, innocent children might have been hurt, proving the fact that there is more to fear from UK cops than axe-swinging maniacs.
The Queen got out of a car directly in front of him but he was arrested before he had the chance to strike a blow for republicanism.

FIVE men have been convicted of Britain’s most daring heist ever, nicking £53 million from a Securitas depot in Kent in 2006. During the robbery Securitas manager Colin Dixon, his wife Lynn, and their young child were held at gunpoint and warned: “You will die if you do not do as you are told.” The gang robbed so much money that they were forced to leave millions behind because it wouldn’t all fit in the getaway lorry.
Reading from his Lord Byron poetry book, Sir John Nutting QC said: “All were motivated by the prospect of dishonest gain almost beyond the dreams of avarice.” The delighted (for a while) gang hid the money around the country and also spread some of the cash in Cyprus and Morocco, but when Securitas offered a £2 million award for information leading to the recovery of the money, snitches popped up everywhere.
£30 million of the stolen money has still not been recovered and another suspect has since been extradited from Morocco. The judge has warned all the culprits to expect very lengthy jail terms. We’re sure the prison break is being planned in detail already by those bold bastards.

IN ADMIRABLY optimistic fashion, the world’s hairiest man is looking for love on the net after being given the boot by his bird. Yu Zhenhuan, recognised in 2002 as the world’s hairiest man by the Guinness Book of Records, is hoping a dating agency might change his fortunes.
Through muffled fur, he said: “My whole body is covered with hair, and my parents are worried I won’t be able to find a wife. Many girls are shocked when they see me in person. “I feel like King Kong, hideous, but with a soft and tender heart,” he told Zhejiang Online.

NOTORIOUS Dublin crime figure Martin ‘The Viper’ Foley has survived a fourth attempt on his life but gardai fear that the latest attempt will re-ignite a deadly gang feud. Despite being shot eight times outside the Carlisle Health and Fitness Club in Kimmage, the Viper was on the road to recovery, largely down to his fitness according to doctors.
While being ambulanced away, Foley named his would-be killer to the police. Gardai have found the weapon used in the attack as well as discarded clothing and other unnamed items. Ireland’s own Rasputin was shot in the shoulder, arm, wrist, hand, twice in his lower back and thigh with one shot grazing his skull as he tried to escape in his Audi car, while listening to a 50 Cent track.
Foley is at the centre of the violent Crumlin-Drimnagh feud which has already claimed eight lives and is also a notorious debt collector – assumedly not for the Bank of Ireland student loans.

THE HEARING of teenagers in Ireland could be jeopardised because of overuse of iPods and other earphone devices. Ireland’s health problems are greater than the European average because the current generation have exposed themselves to prolonged noise on iPods according to audiologist Keith Ross, who was listening to Beethoven on a nice low volume.
At least one in ten of the population were found to experience difficulties, with victims left to guess words and struggling to cope with background noise. “Some of the figures are quite frightening, the proportion of people wearing earphones through their normal jobs or through listening to Walkmans and iPods,” according to Ross. Ironically, a special advice line has been set up to help those who are suffering from loss of hearing.

PETE DOHERTY has set his sights on opening his own animal sanctuary after he rescued a one-legged hedgehog, proving that drugs really do make people more interesting.
The rescue of the hedgehog Mrs Tiggy Winkle – quite possibly named while high – has seemingly encouraged Doherty to open a mini zoo. The Babyshambles frontman already has a proven track record in veterinary care, once allegedly feeding his pet kitten crack cocaine. Since rescuing Mrs Tiggy Winkle, Doherty has now set up a sanctuary in his back garden for the amputee.
An insider also claimed that recovering drug addict was “looking after a rat with no tail.”
In what sounds more like an experimental drug lab that an animal sanctuary, Doherty will care for all the freak animals, no doubt revelling being around creatures who are in a worse state than him.

GULLIBLE Cheryl Cole will stick by her husband despite him allegedly having a string of affairs and chivalrously offering one star-struck trollope a cash incentive to have an abortion.
Ashley Cole has been accused by single mother Aimee Watson of having an affair and telling her that he didn’t need to wear a condom because he was “always getting tests at Chelsea and he was clean.”
Cole also allegedly told the money-grabbing woman that she should be privileged that he vomited in her friend’s car. Cheryl Cole has vowed to stick by Ashley’s dog-eared story that he doesn’t remember anything at all. She also used the detestable excuse for a human being’s drunken impotence as evidence that the girl’s story was just another tawdry tabloid tale: “That’s utter rubbish. I know that for a fact! I know Ashley intimately, when he’s under the influence he isn’t capable.
“All he could remember is his friends leaving him upstairs with this girl and him being so ill that he was sick and she was putting a bucket under his head, looking after him.” That is what you call a role model.

CUTE Christina Ricci was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest movie – by a chimp. Imaginatively named Chim Chim did what any red-blooded ape would, grabbing Ricci’s left breast. The actress spoke of her terrifying, and perhaps exciting, experience: “It’s the first day of shooting and… I’m sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go.”

PUBLIC whore Paris Hilton claims that “people don’t know the real me” despite the fact that the public has seen her naked more than their own partners. At the same time as shy Paris is appearing semi-nude (again) on the cover of a magazine, the hard-working heiress bemoaned her bad image: “It makes me angry because people don’t know the real me, and I’m a very hard worker.
“I travel around the world constantly promoting my projects and endorsing products.” Believing herself to be some sort of Richard Branson, the blonde bimbo boasted: “Yes, I do get paid to go to parties… but when you see me at a party, I’m always working or promoting something, even if it’s as simple as wearing my clothing line for the pictures.”
It’s almost like a Victorian work house, the poor girl.

PUBLICITY prostitute Michael Lohan has vowed to gain revenge on the drug dealers that supplied his daughter Lindsay. That is, if offering to sell the story of your daughter’s personal drug battles to the highest bidder for your own financial reward can be regarded as revenge. While flirting shamelessly with the News of the World and The Sun editors, Michael dramatically exclaimed: “God is going to get even with this guy. He’s destroyed a lot of lives.
“I’ve been looking for the people who’ve been selling my daughter and these other kids the drugs. And come hell or high water, one day I’m going to find these guys and I’m going to expose them.” It’s always good to take life lessons from a man who spent two and a half years behind bars and tries to use his daughter’s drug problems for personal profit.

SMUG personified Simon Cowell admitted that he is vain but claimed it’s necessary for anyone working on TV. The preening pop svengali is famous for his preened appearance and addiction to wearing the same ‘thinning’ clothes repeatedly.
He said: “I am definitely vain. But to be honest with you, I can’t think of one person who is on TV who isn’t vain. It’s the nature of the beast.” Not at all worried about coming across as a wanker, he boasted: “I had veneers put on my teeth, and I had some Botox injected about three years ago. I think it looks great.”
Modesty and looks, he’s the whole package.

BRONZED beauty Eva Longoria is planning to use ghosts to convince George Clooney to work with her. Longoria admits that she has a fascination with magic: “I’ve had my cards read, and I’ve had my palm read, and I’ve had a psychic tell me things. “But a woman came up to me on the streets who I didn’t know, and said ‘Your aunt’s spirit won’t leave me alone until I come to tell you that she’s here.’ “I might use that line to land big movie roles. I’d be like, ‘George Clooney? This person is talking to me, I have this spirit, we have to talk, we have to do this movie together.”
Or, alternatively, you could just sleep with him. It could be slightly easier.

VIRILE former funnyman Eddie Murphy must be cursing his luck after it was revealed that he managed to impregnate Scary Spice despite only having sex with her three times.
A source revealed that: “Mel said all the problems would go away if Eddie agreed to her demands for a $9 million house in Malibu plus living expenses for 18 years.” So that is around $6 million per shag - a prostitute definitely would have been a cheaper call. “As they only had sex a few times, and she’d promised she had a contraceptive coil fitted, Eddie was certain it couldn’t be his.”
Despite all of the trouble the shags brought Eddie, what must sting the most is that the world now knows he has no standards.

MICHAEL JACKSON has re-recorded his seminal album Thriller with help from the Black Eyed Peas and Kanye West. The one man freak show promised fans at the NRJ Music Awards that: “There is a lot more to come from Michael Jackson. I’m coming back. And I’ve got a very special treat for all my fans.”
He continued: “I have been recording Thriller: 25th Anniversary with a lot of surprise guests.” The Peas’ Will.I.Am reprises the role initially performed by Paul McCartney on The Girl is Mine, with nice-from-afar-but-far-from-nice Fergie singing Beat It. Kanye West has remixed a song on the album.
Widely seen as one of the greatest of all time, the 1982 album harks back to Jacko’s golden days before his reputation sunk to that of Ian Huntley. It will perhaps be best remembered for the video of the title track, in which Jackson played himself - a plastic faced monster who scares children in the night.

YOUNG scamps the Arctic Monkeys dominated this year’s in-no-way pompous NME awards.
The Sheffield boys have seven nominations in the awards, including best band, live band, album, track and band most likely to ask you to buy cigarettes for them. The too-cool-for-school magazine also has such wacky categories as best and worst dressed, both of which Pete Doherty has been nominated for confusingly .
The villain of the year award will be contested by Amy Winehouse, Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and George Bush, what with NME being the political experts that they are.

BITCHIN’ soul singer Joss Stone has defended her nauseating new American street accent, saying that she don’t care for no British fans no mo’ y’all. The youth, from south central Devon, was rightly vilified after the 2007 Brit Awards, where she gave ‘big love out’ to Robbie Williams in an accent that wildly alternated between Lil’ Kim, Kiera Knightley and Jethro.
But the sista said she wasn’t bovvered: “At the end of the day, I don’t give a fuck if people have a problem with my accent. That’s all I can say about it. “The words I say do not change. If the way that it sounds is skew-whiff and you don’t like it, don’t listen.
“When people go to Australia for two weeks they come back sounding Australian - but the whole world doesn’t turn round and say, ‘Well, fuck you.’”

NEW Kids on the Block are set to reunite to the delight of their legions of menopausal fans. In yet another shocking indictment of the record industry’s inability to take chances on young bands, the five have been tempted out of their current schedule of touring student nights for rent money.
The band’s website, which has remained dormant since the invention of the internet, has been buzzing with activity and the band are expected to make an official announcement in the coming weeks.
Original members Jordan and Jonathan Knight, Joey McIntyre, Danny Wood and the only successful member Donnie Wahlberg are all said to be keen to get back together.

BIRMINGHAM’S favourite seven piece reggae band, UB40, have disputed frontman Ali Campbell’s reasons for leaving. Campbell had claimed that he left of his own accord due to problems with the band’s management, perhaps upset that he didn’t get free nibbles when performing at working men’s clubs.
However, the band have said that he left to pursue his own solo career, releasing the statement: “He chose to pursue and put his solo career over and above continuing to work with UB40.”

BONO has achieved the unthinkable and become even more sanctimonious, claiming that he sees Al Gore as an “Irish priest” to whom he can confess his “ecological sins.” The Irish demi-God has been doing his best in recent years to show mere mortals how to save the environment, but admitted he has a human side which sometimes makes him err – and, at these times, he turns to Al Gore.
He said: “It’s like being with an Irish priest. You start to confess your sins. Father Al, I am not just a noise polluter, I am a noise-polluting, diesel-soaking, gulfstream-flying rock star.”
Sadly, it didn’t stop there: “I’m going to kick the habit. I’m trying father Al, but oil has been very good for me - those convoys of articulated lorries, petrochemical products, hair gel.” Bono met Gore whilst sharing the stage with him at a conference in Switzerland, where the U2 man was promoting his campaign to save the world.

MARK RONSON has admitted he risked incurring the wrath of sensitive teenage souls throughout the Home Counties by remixing the 1995 Radiohead classic Just. He further infuriated the Prozac-popping masses by poking fun at the most earnest men in music by mimicking their original video which, for no apparent reason, featured crowds quoting lines from Midnight Cowboy to a man lying prone on the floor.
He said: “You do sometimes worry you’ll get negative reaction from fans as it’s a Radiohead song and they are such a massive band. But originally I just thought I’d use the track as part of my DJ set.”

ORIGINAL diva Diana Ross was barraged by boos after refusing to allow promoters to broadcast her image at a concert in Jamaica. Fans who paid extortionate amounts to watch the princess were left with no view of the ageing star after she demanded no cameras, scared that it will show up the fact that the years haven’t been kind.
One promoter said: “It was at the eleventh hour that her manager said she wouldn’t allow us to IMAG her performance and, if any cameras were present, she would not go on stage.”

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THE ARMY has been accused of using misleading campaigns by a leading charity. The news will shock anyone who has grown up in Britain watching ludicrous recruitment adverts portraying the lifestyle of a squaddie to resemble that of Roger Moore in Live and Let Die.
Kids as young as seven are now being targeted with a rose tinted view of warfare, according to the study backed by the Joseph Rowntree Charitable Trust. Author David Gee said the Army are having a nightmare recruiting because, for some reason, not that many people are keen to get their legs blown off in a bid to support American imperialism in Iraq.
The report suggested that efforts to attract young people into risking their lives to fight pointless wars are now intensifying, especially among those below the recruitment age of 16. Incredibly, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence described the study as “ill informed and incorrect.” Who would have thought they’d say that?

PRESENTER Mark Speight was cleared of the death of his fiancée, fellow children’s TV presenter Natasha Collins. Men in lab coats will need to perform more tests over the coming weeks to determine what caused her death, as the autopsy on her body was “inconclusive.”
Collins was found in the bath of the penthouse home shared by the couple in St John’s Wood, north-west London, last week. A police spokesman said extra toxicology tests will now take place to try and find what led to her sudden death.
It was reported that Collins had hoovered up a fair amount of the white stuff before her death. But Speight’s mother, Jacqueline, reckons Collins died after taking pills prescribed from an undisclosed medical condition.

PRIME MINISTER Gordon Brown is to green light a proposal to build a new empire of nuclear power stations with no limit to the amount of energy, or indeed pollution, they supply.
At least 40 per cent of the UK’s energy will come from state-of-the-art plants pumping out twice the current output. The revelation is likely to have environmental campaigners frothing at the mouth – perhaps quite literally, with the radiation turning us all into frothy-mouthed two-headed extras from a Hammer Horror flick. Britain currently gets around 20 per cent of its power from nuclear plants. France gets a whopping 80 per cent and the UK is likely to follow. At least the constant supply of freaks for daytime talk shows will never run out.
Brown has wafted away objections and plans to make a decision this week. With Smithers stood by his side, a Whitehall official said: “Nuclear power is the only realistic option for our future. We must not rely on other nations.” Especially not the French.

A SCHOOLGIRL whose parents couldn’t understand a single word she was going on about has written a guide to teenage slang to help them out. Lucy van Amerongen, 13, from Box in Gloucestershire, penned The A-Z of Teen Talk, in a fit of teenage defiance.
Much to the stroppy teenager’s delight, the book is selling well in stores. With her parents stood beside their new favourite cash cow, she said: “I hope the book clears up confusion. Some parents don’t give teenagers enough credit for some of the words they use. More come up every day and a lot are very creative.” Her guide includes 300 teen words such as “antwacky” (unstylish), “cotch down” (sleep), “rago” (OK) and “zip” (yob).

LIFE on Earth may have started on a radioactive beach - quite possibly Brighton - according to a leading scientist. The sifting and collection of radioactive material by powerful tides could have generated the complex molecules that led to the evolution of carbon-based life forms – including plants, animals and us humans.
The theory is based on the fact that the moon’s orbit was a lot closer to the Earth billions of years ago, meaning tides could leave radioactive material on the beach and ruin your sunbathing. Astrobiologist Zachary Adam stroked his beard and mused: “Amino acids, sugars and [soluble] phosphate can all be produced simultaneously in a radioactive beach environment.” Well, duh.

ACID tongued TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson is fuming after he lost money by somewhat foolishly publishing his bank details in his newspaper column. The pompous public school ponce revealed his account numbers after dissing the public outcry stirred over the loss of 25 million people’s personal details on two computer discs.
But Clarkson admitted he was behaving like a bit of a knob after he discovered a reader had used the details to create a £500 direct debit to the charity Diabetes UK – someone buy that reader a drink. Clarkson published details of his Barclays account in The Sun, including his account number and sort code. He even told people how to find out his address. But he was soon made to look like a prize dickhead.
“I opened my bank statement this morning to find out that someone has set up a direct debit which automatically takes £500 from my account,” Clarkson said, hanging his head in shame. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke.

SUPPOSED “low cost” airlines took a savage bollocking last week over continually stitching passengers up with tons of hidden charges, which can add more than £28 to the advertised cost of a ticket. A report by Holiday Which? slammed one for charging a ludicrous £4 to use check-in and a silly £20 just to put a bag into the hold at the airport. Another was accused of charging a £15 fee for a fast boarding service.
Holiday Which? editor Lorna Cowan snorted: “Airlines should stop these extra charges.” However, the airlines hit back, saying the extras are “avoidable” and “voluntary.”

DOLE bludging layabouts will soon be given a kick up the arse if David Cameron gets his way with his latest populist policy. The Tory leader announced this week plans to get lazy bastards claiming benefits off Trisha and into parks to do some community service work if they have been on the dole for two years or more.
The work-shy will be ordered to spend 12 months cleaning up graffiti, picking up litter and tidying local parks. Anyone not keen on the idea will be stripped of weekly benefit payments. The Tory toad will also spell out plans for new return to work programmes to help them get a job. Back-to-work centres run by private firms and charities will be opened around the country.

BOBBIES in Liverpool have been stunned by a professional gangland hit from a sniper which saw a man in a Land Rover take a bullet between the eyes in roughneck suburb Halewood. The 35-year-old man - named as Derek Stevens - met his maker while heading down Macket’s Lane, Halewood. Stevens, who is from the area, croaked shortly after paramedics arrived on the scene.
While urging people to calm down, calm down, police said that the victim was known to them and that the shooting was not a random attack. Finally realising his dream of working in downtown Compton, Chief Superintendent John Young of Merseyside Police, said: “I would reassure our local communities that we are carrying out extensive investigations into the murder and the reasons for it. This was not an indiscriminate attack and we would not want our communities to be fearful of going about their daily business.”

FORMER Prime Minister and sole remaining fan of George Bush, Tony Blair, has come off the dole list, taking a part-time job with one of Wall Street’s biggest banks. Unlike most part-time jobs, Blair will be paid at least £10,000 a week for the role as adviser to JP Morgan.
He already earns an expected £1million a year from people who actually pay to hear him talk, as well as the income from “a small handful” of similar roles. He enunciated: “I have always been interested in commerce and the impact of globalisation.
“Nowadays, the intersection between politics and the economy in different parts of the world, including the emerging markets, is very strong.” As is the increasing violence in Iraq, the country you invaded, Tony.

SMOKING the reefer sends 500 people a week to hospital according to new statistics not at all tampered with by the government. Since being downgraded to a class C drug, the number of infuriatingly chilled out people being sent to hospital have risen to more than 16,500 a year. The opposition have taken the chance to lay the blame at Labour’s door like a hyena around an injured animal.
James Clappison, a Conservative member of the House of Commons home affairs committee, bemoaned: “The reclassification of cannabis sent the wrong message and was clearly the wrong decision. These figures show the evident dangers of cannabis abuse and support the case for the drug being restored to category B.” As it stands as a class C drug, it is as illegal as taking steroids and some prescription anti-depressants. Charges are very rarely brought against any people too slow to get away from the fuzz.

BOFFINS have published a list of all the phobias there are, including Genuphobists - a fear of the French. The list of hundreds of unlikely irrational fears (as opposed to rational ones, such as fear of the French), which can leave their sufferers with shortness of breath, rapid breathing, an irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea, and overall feelings of dread was published by US scientists - who presumably have time on their hands having already cured cancer.
Included is hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – a fear of long words. If you do suffer from this, then apologies for distressing you. Whereas back in the day it was just called being a pussy, lutraphobia is now a fear of otters, globophobia is a fear of balloons and pentheraphobia is a (probably justified) fear of the mother in law.

MARIAH ‘I’m not a diva’ Carey has said she would rather perform on stage with a pig than with Jennifer Lopez – at least this gives Kelly Osbourne hope of a high profile duet. When asked about a possible duet with pregnant J Lo, curvy Carey fumed: “I’d rather be on stage with a pig! A duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just isn’t going to happen.”
The two divas have crossed crystal-encrusted swords before when Carey accused Lopez of stealing two songs from the soundtrack for her fantastic 2001 movie Glitter. The interesting declaration about J Lo comes in the same week that the voluptuous vixen declared: “I am baffled, shocked and appalled when I am called a diva. I’ve never done one diva-ish thing in my life,” as she bathed in Evian water.

POOR old Lindsay Lohan is maintaining a low profile having blown her entire $7 million fortune on drugs, alcohol and rehab. Even more embarrassingly, she has resorted to using the old ‘I swear I’ll pay you back’ line to her friends. Proving that taking drugs does pay, Lindsay has forked out $137,000 on three separate stints in rehab and thousands more to fight her DUI charges.
She has also forked out up to $1m and a half on the essentials like clothes and partying hard. Unsurprisingly for a pale ginger lass, Lohan has also forked out $70,000 on tanning and hair salons. The actress has had to sell her luxury pads in New York and L.A. because she couldn’t afford the mortgages. It’s going to take at least one straight-to-DVD movie to make that money back.

TRASHBAG Britney Spears was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital after a ludicrous showdown with police at her mansion over custody rights. Britney let loose with a series of shrieking tantrums after which a fleet of police cars, ambulances and fire trucks were dispatched on the taxpayer’s dollar.
The four hour stand-off eventually saw her sprogs - Jayden James and Sean Preston - returned unharmed as Spears was rushed away, speaking in tongues and craving Valium. Although the status of her medical condition is officially unknown (certified lunatic is a reasonable guess), it is being suggested that Britney was coked out of her mind when police picked her up. She is used to being picked up by men when coked up these days. The former minx Britney has once again proved that there is no such thing as rock bottom if you carry on digging, and has left no doubt that the school uniform-clad pop starlet who fuelled a thousand middle aged men’s sordid masturbatory fantasies has long since disappeared.

LATINO lovely Eva Longoria has inevitably revealed that she has let herself go since marrying basketball star Tony Parker. Eva joked: “Now that I’m married I don’t have to try so hard. Only kidding! “Like most women, I go through phases of working out hardcore and then two months of not touching a bar bell.”
Longoria insists that she works out for her health and not for the flawlessly stunning body that she has sculpted. The beauty said: “I grew up as an athlete so I wanted to be strong and healthy, not so much thin and beautiful. So that’s not what I work out for.” Kind of like Martina Navratilova.

KOOKY Tom Cruise has become the second-in-command of the Scientology cult, according to a hard hitting new book. Author Andrew Morton claims that Cruise’s daughter Suri may have been fathered using the sperm of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
The thinking behind Scientology is that dead aliens attached themselves to humans 75 million years ago, led by the ancient ruler Xenu, brainwashing us – perhaps into believing outlandish stories about ancient rulers and aliens. In Morton’s controversial book, he writes: “Some Sea Org (Scientologists) fanatics wondered if the actress (Katie Holmes) had been impregnated with Hubbard’s frozen sperm.
“Katie might have felt as if she were in a real-life version of horror movie Rosemary’s Baby, in which a young woman is impregnated with the Devil’s child.” Cruise’s busy lawyers have called the book a “pack of lies.” And if anyone knows about a pack of lies, it is the second-in-command of Scientology.

SMOOTH talking Kid Rock was somehow unable to bed Jessica Alba when they were shooting a TV show together. Scruffbag Rock mused: “I spent a week in South America with Jessica for this TV show, an environmental show called Trippin.
“Jessica is such a sweetheart. But she’s definitely not giving it up. I said to her: ‘Do you know what, you are so fucking hot, I’m not even going to fuck with you.’ And she turned round and went: ‘Fuck you, Kid Rock.’” It’s almost like a Richard Curtis movie. With charm like that, it is no wonder he managed to pick up women like Pamela Anderson.

POUTING Posh Spice has compiled a list of enemies who will be banned from attending the Spice Girls reunion concerts. The list, which will pretty much empty the stadium, is made up of people who have slagged off Beckham over the years. Included are equally talentless Jordan and greasy husband Peter Andre, Lily Allen, Sophie Ellis Bextor, Denise Van Outen and Graham ‘everything looks like a penis’ Norton.
A source, very careful about how to speak of Her Majesty, said: “Victoria has taken some stick over the years from certain celebrities. She doesn’t want to be doing her stuff on stage, and then see famous faces in the audience taking the piss. “So, quite understandably, Victoria has banned a number of well-known names from the show.” Lily Allen rightly claimed that Beckham was too skinny to be a role model while Van Outen and Norton had the audacity to make similar claims.

WHINGING Robbie Williams has claimed that touring “nearly killed” him – just like the constant feel-sorry-for-me act is killing everyone else. Fortunately, Williams is considering quitting live performances, moaning: “There might not be a proper album out this year and there definitely won’t be a tour any time soon. Fuck that, the last one nearly killed me.”
Disappointing tens of fans around the world, the singer maintained pretences of importance, saying: “I may put an album out in 2009. Which means you won’t be seeing me on stage for a while. Sorry folks.” Reverting to type, the fat dancer announced: “I’m sure I’ll be back. But right now there’s a soy vanilla latte and mince pie waiting for me.”

THE LATEST Hollywood actress to get arrested for DUI (Driving Under the Influence), Mischa Barton, has turned to God rather than the traditional path of rehab. The former O.C. star was recently arrested after driving in two lanes of traffic and found to be drunk, in possession of marijuana and driving without a valid license.
The actress chose the very public Beverley Hills Good Shepherd Catholic Church to seek forgiveness for her sins – the same place as Paris Hilton and Prison Break star Lane Garrison (now serving time for vehicular manslaughter) chose in attempts to win good publicity. A church watcher said: “Mischa came out of the church looking very pious, wearing a white, virginal dress. She was carrying a church brochure.” Anything to get out of prison time.

KING of Chavs, Mike Skinner, has said that he killed off his record label, The Beats, because the “traditional record label is dead.” Demonstrating a surprisingly forward thinking attitude for someone whose signature tune is the lyrical masterpiece You’re Fit But Don’t You Know It, The Streets “rapper” last month held a mock-funeral for his label, home to The Mitchell Brothers, Example and Professor Green.
He said: “It just comes down to the fact that the traditional record label is dead. “What I’m doing now is looking for the thing you can create that embraces the next generation. I’m really into what you can do online and I’d rather be at the centre of it,” he mused, before jotting down another ever-so-easy-to-relate-to song idea about working class British culture.

FANS of utterly pedestrian soft rock music will no doubt be licking their lips in anticipation of REM’s new ‘heavier than normal’ album. Manager Bertis Downs (seemingly named after a Liquorice Allsort) promises that the latest of the band’s endless churn of albums will have Napalm Death quaking in their boots – as opposed to making fans reach for their slippers and pipes as is usual.
“It’s not like we’re going to pretend these are ballads. These are rockers,” he said, leaning back in his leather chair while making sure his clip-on pony tail was still in place.
Whining frontman Michael Stipe seems equally assured about the Georgia band’s approach to the record, boasting: “I feel like there’s a confidence in the material, and a communication between the three of us that hasn’t been there for some time.” Anyone confident enough to handle the new blistering tempo can look out for the album released on April 4.

THE MUCH anticipated release of a Radiohead remix album, Rainydayz Remixes, has been postponed due to pigtail pulling over copyright issues. The project was a new slant on the group’s seventh album, In Rainbows, created by producer Amplive. It was scheduled for release next week, but was pulled, leaving navel gazing muso connoisseurs crying into their 12 inch limited edition Velvet Underground b-side albums.
The original album’s publishers got the hump, sending a threatening letter to Amplive – perhaps they were worried that it will make more money than the original, which was purchased for free by most ‘fans,’ taking advantage of the band’s wacky idea to allow them to choose their own price. Amplive pleaded to anyone with copies of the remixes to remove them from the public domain.
Meanwhile Amplive is contemplating giving bug eyed warbler Thom Yorke a good old fashioned hummer if it means getting the green light to release the album. Thumbing through a pack of assorted flavoured condoms, he sighed: “I think I need to talk to Radiohead and play them these remixes personally. I know they’ll dig ‘em.”

HUMAN pin cushion Amy Winehouse has agreed to perform at this year’s Grammy Awards in LA on February 10. When not feeding her junk habit, Amy has managed to get herself nominated in six categories, including Record of the Year for Rehab.
A conveniently placed source said: “Her live performances can either be spectacular or car-crash territory but, either way, it’s a gamble organisers are willing to take as she’s such hot property.” The source continued: “She’s planning to do some sort of soul and Motown medley, and is even weighing up the possibility of a duet with some US stars - particularly Kanye West, who has spoken in the past of wanting to work with her.”

WACKY Oxford funsters Foals have revealed they would like nothing better than to make an album with two of the looniest superstars in existence - Madonna or Michael Jackson. The five piece have been impressing anorak indie fans back in the UK with their unique brand of arty pop rock but have sent out a hint that they are gagging for a big name collaboration.
Frontman Yannis Philippakis said he had his hopes on: “Prince or Michael Jackson I guess… Madonna, someone huge.” Meanwhile, ‘sexually different’ Michael Jackson has told reporters that he is desperate to work with the Foals, though retracted the statement when he was told they were not actually baby horses.

WASHED UP gold digging hags, The Spice Girls, will be using their manicured talons to rake in an estimated £10 million extra for gracing us with their presence Down Under. Labotomised Antipodean fans are now storming ticket offices in Australia in the hope that they too might see Geri and co wheezing beneath their corsets to Spice Up Your Life.
A ‘source,’ wearing an ill-fitting Union Jack dress and looking suspiciously like Geri Halliwell, said: “The girls have a massive fan base in Australia and a huge amount of cash is being thrown at them to get them to perform there. “Everyone in OZ has been reading about the show and they want a piece of the action.” Those residing in Sydney, Perth and Brisbane will be lucky enough to see the girls for 12 dates in March.

MAD internet geek Kanye West has declared his love for Jamiroquai. The Chicago rapper this week gushed all over the multiple Ferrari-driving environmentally conscious band on his blog under the heading “Classic Material.”
While Kanye normally just uses his blog to boast about how rich and successful he is, the rapper is obviously feeling the love for Jay Kay at present. This is the first time he has mentioned another musician on his blog since he praised Feist last September. Kanye had refrained from blogging after the death of his mother Donda, but is making up for lost time since the start of the New Year.

PURSED lipped falsetto fruit James Blunt has been arse-licking fellow dull generic popsters Fleetwood Mac. Although James is not usually one to lavish others with praise, he recently took time out from gazing wistfully out of his bedroom window while singing about lost love to shed some light on what can be expected from future live shows.
While fighting to keep his audience awake, James admitted: “I’m really influenced by the music of the Seventies as I think there was an honesty about it, with bands like Fleetwood Mac and Steely Dan.” The excitement is too much to bear.

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A POLICE chief has caused a storm of controversy by admitting that ecstasy is actually less dangerous than some prescription drugs like aspirin. Richard Brunstom, the chief constable of North Wales, said on Radio 4’s Today show: “Ecstasy is a remarkably safe substance, far safer than aspirin. It is far less dangerous than tobacco or alcohol, both of which are freely available.” Brunstrom also admitted that police could never win the so-called ‘war against drugs.’ Furthermore, he said prohibition only worsened the effect of drugs on society, claiming that illegal drugs like heroin and cocaine could be legalised within ten years. “The prohibition regime does not work. It transfers billions of pounds of our money into the hands of organised criminals. Legalisation and subsequent regulation of prescribed drugs is inevitable,” said Brunstrom. Suspicions were raised when he told the Radio 4 presenter that, even though he just met him, he felt a real connection and suggested they go back to his to smoke a bit of gear and listen to Chilled Ibiza Classics.

FIVE MILLION workers called in sick on January 2 due to extended hangovers, making it the biggest sick day of the year. Bosses labelled the day Black Wednesday as workers couldn’t bring themselves to get out of bed en masse. Women were revealed to be the worst culprits, with one in five admitting they were going to take the day off and probably watch Bridget Jones’ Diary on repeat all day. Ten per cent of those surveyed on the website said they would use the day to don disguises and sneak off to the January sales. The skiving workers weren’t worried about what their bosses would say when they eventually turned up, with only one per cent scared of being disciplined or fired. One in 1000 will also quit their jobs.

OVERCROWDED prisons are contributing to the soaring number of suicides by soft-centred inmates in Britain. Seems like Sky TV, a Playstation 3, 24-hour room service and an en suite bathroom just isn’t enough for some people. Statistics from the Orwellian sounding Ministry of Justice showed that there were 92 self-inflicted deaths among prisoners last year, compared to 67 in 2006. The rise in prison suicides comes as the locked up population of England and Wales reached a record of 80,000. Tories said that the figures provided fresh evidence that overcrowding in jails was out of control under Labour, and that their policy of bringing back hanging for all crimes would solve the problem overnight. Shadow Justice Secretary Nick Herbert said: “Ministers ignored repeated warnings about inadequate prison capacity. They allowed the jails to become ever more overcrowded and these tragic deaths are the inevitable and avoidable consequence.” Juliet Lyon, director of the Prison Reform Trust, claimed: “Far too many people with serious mental health problems are held in custody, which can only make their illness worse.”

FREEZING temperatures will depress Brits during January with “the average temperature for January… close to freezing at best,” according to weathermen. A good time to post those pics of you sunning yourself on Bondi, in other words. Plunging temperatures, ice and sleet will cause road chaos as Britain begins the new year, according to the top weathermen. Heart-warming stuff. Piers Corbyn, from long range forecasters Weather Action, rubbed his crystal ball and said: “The winds are going to make it extremely cold like the conditions we experienced in January 1987 where it was -12C in the south.” Despite the apocalyptic forecasting, Britain actually had its second hottest year on record in 2007, with an average temperature of 10C – the equivalent to one of the coldest days of an Australian winter.

HUMANS were not the first species to laugh - apes were sharing witty anecdotes and one-liners long before we were around, according to boffins with nothing better to do. Speccy virgins at the University of Portsmouth have found that orangutans have a sense of empathy and mimicry, both of which are essential ingredients of humour. Dr Marina Davila Ross found that when one of the orangutans displayed an open, gaping mouth – the equivalent of laughter – the ape’s playmate displayed the same expression less than half a second after, suggesting the mimicry was an involuntary display. The theory that they do indeed have a sophisticated sense of humour was confirmed when none of the apes laughed at a Lenny Henry DVD. One boffin said: “What is clear now is the building blocks of positive emotional contagion and empathy that refer to rapid involuntary facial mimicry in humans evolved prior to humankind.”

DOUBLE child killer Ian Huntley and other warped sex criminals in Wakefield prison have succeeded in forcing jail guards to stop wearing badges that raise cash for a children’s hospital. Holier-than-thou Huntley complained that the emblems were “offensive” and “authoritarian.” You really couldn’t make this up. Some of the inmates even objected to the pins because they blame kids for their incarceration. Staff at the prison are now considering industrial action after bosses ordered them to stop wearing the “offensive” badges. Perhaps they recommended more child-killer friendly badges with slogans like ‘Free the Paedos’ to keep the sensitive inmates happy instead. A source at the prison said: “It is the ultimate disgrace - paedophiles dictating the rules. It is outrageous they should have a say in what guards choose to wear. There is now talk among staff of possible action over this.”

BRITISH oil workers have been sacked after simulating sex an with unfortunate sheep due to be slaughtered for a Muslim festival. The animals were to be killed for 30 foreign workers to celebrate Eid Al Adhha in an Algerian oil town. The two British jokers were accused of “sheep violation” after stunned restaurant workers and guards witnessed the dodgy behaviour. A spokesman for the American company said: “The individuals have been dismissed because their behaviour was totally unacceptable.” Pretending to make love to a sheep is unacceptable it seems but ravaging a poor foreign land of its scant natural resource is, of course, not a problem at all. A police spokesman warned that local Muslims saw the sacrificing of sheep at Eid as “something very sacred.” One ex-pat living in Algeria said that the men were lucky to only be sacked after the romantic incident: “If you relate this to teacher Gillian Gibbons they can thank their lucky stars. “All she did was name a teddy bear Mohammed.”

BRITS are more bored with working than ever, although only a third said they felt fed up most of the day. Psychologists say that people are becoming more tired of their work as technology means workers don’t have to use their brain or skills as much, making the day less challenging. Scores of university students, who have soaked up a lot of useless information in four years of smoking dope and having haughty yet ill-informed political debates at Uni, are now being faced with having to take jobs for which they are overqualified. Dr Sandi Mann, of the University of Central Lancashire says the UK is in the grip of a “Boredom Boom.” She said: “Jobs are becoming more uniform and predictable.” The main offender is unsurprisingly call centres, where the work is the mental equivalent of hard labour in Siberia.

CASH-SPLASHING TDs are almost doubling their money with a generous and largely tax-free package of expenses and allowances which earned one thrifty TD over €100,000. Over the years, the mostly corrupt and crafty politicians have been receiving pay rises to their already hefty basic salaries of over €120,000. The latest proposed pay increases have been postponed as the public finally struck out at the hypocritical ministers. The latest figures have shown that TDs and senators claimed over €10m of taxpayers’ money in expenses alone in the last year – considering Taoiseach Bertie Ahern counts a trip to watch Man United play as an expense, it’s good to know your money is being well invested. The highest claim was from Wexford Fine Gael TD and party chief whip Paul Kehoe who claimed a whopping €104,000 in expenses and allowances. The penny-pinching politician defended the costs: “As party whip and being from Wexford, I find myself in Dublin two to three nights a week. That would inflate my claims.” Claiming petrol and parking costs worth the price of a small house, that’s economic prudence for you.

DOCTORS caring for a premature baby in Dublin have been authorised to give the child a blood transfusion despite the objections of the Jehovah’s Witness parents. At the High Court the judge claimed it would amount to “brinkmanship” and an “abdication of responsibility” if he did not give the order to save the child’s life. The Polish parents of the baby boy, known as Baby B (probably not the real name), are devout followers of the religion and don’t speak a word of English, which really inhibits their door-knocking sessions. Although the baby, born ten weeks prematurely, had been improving, the judge maintained that there was “no doubt that we are dealing with a baby whose condition is grave in the extreme.” The judge said that if the condition of the tot deteriorated, the energies of the hospital staff should be focused on treating him rather than be distracted by the religious beliefs or need for further court action.

BUXOM bimbo Jessica Simpson is set to star in a remake of Grease, much to the joy of golden oldie Michelle Pfeiffer. Presumably, Jess is the only one incompetent enough to make Pfieffer’s performance in Grease 2 look good. Pfeiffer, who has suffered something of a halt in her career for the last decade or so, has been pushing for the casting of Simpson as prom queen Sandy Dumbrowski - Pfeiffer herself wants to play the role of comical Principal McGee. She said: “It’s a great idea, and I hear they would like to get Jessica Simpson for the role of Sandy. She would be good.
“I hated that film (Grease 2) with a vengeance and could not believe how bad it was. At the time, I was young and didn’t know better… I hear it’s a cult movie now.” At least investors in the remake can be optimistic after Simpson managed to make an impressive £200 on the opening weekend for her latest movie Blonde Ambition.

MANEATER Lindsay Lohan was named worst actress of 2007 for her role in I Know Who Killed Me, which she clearly agreed to when she was high. More than half of website AOL’s 3.8 million voters claimed the 21-year-old’s performance was the worst attempt at acting in ‘07. In a successful year for the fiery redhead, her movie Georgia Rule came in a close second in the worst movie stakes to Eddie Murphy’s excuse for a film, Norbit.
The digitally enhanced epic 300 was voted film of the year, with over-the-top cartoon adaptation Transformers coming in second. In other categories, Johnny Depp was voted sexiest hunk for his role in Pirates of the Caribbean and Megan Fox the sexiest woman for her sexy turn in Transformers.

BAG-OF-BONES Keira Knightley has been named the number one beauty icon of 2007. The worrying poll, conducted on 2500 people by Superdrug (presumably hawking their slimming pills), also includes fellow skeletal figures Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham. Curvaceous Kelly Brook saved the top four, proving that men still like breasts after all.
Superdrug Beauty Director Katherine Le Clerc said: “The top ten beauty icons list shows that today there is room for everyone’s idea of true beauty. “From the aloof glamour of Keira Knightley and Victoria Beckham’s high-maintenance gloss to the fresh-faced youthful looks of actress Gemma Atkinson (who came seventh).” The confusing list also included Lily Allen and Jordan in ninth and tenth respectively, while Hollywood airhead Paris Hilton was voted as number one overseas beauty.

GERMAN Goddess Heidi Klum doesn’t want to make it big in the UK – because she loves being anonymous. Although it doesn’t really add up if she keeps giving interviews to British newspapers, the supermodel said: “I don’t wake up and beat my head over not being recognised in the UK. It’s actually rather nice.
“It’s different if I walk down the street with my husband, though. He’s known all over the place in Britain, and the problem is that he’s also really, really tall. When people first see him, they say ‘Oh my he’s huge’.” Yes, tall black men with scars may be quite noticeable.

NUMBER one role model Britney Spears has been giving her little sister an earful for getting pregnant at 16. Britney, who is currently embroiled in a custody ‘battle’ for her children - which involves partying till late and not going to the hearings - has been ranting about Jamie Lynn’s irresponsibility.
Britney told a friend: “I’m really disappointed in her, I told her over and over just to be a kid and let the adult things like sex and drinking and all that wait.” The singer at least accepted that she may not be the perfect agony aunt for her young sister: “I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff and haven’t been a good role model. I warned this girl, I really did. She seemed to take my advice.”
Britney told the friend: “I just can’t believe she’s pregnant. She is way too young to be a mom. She should be having fun and stuff, not having a baby” – or, in Brit’s case, doing both at the same time.

ENVIRONMENTALIST James Blunt plants a tree every time he sells a concert ticket online – so far there are four trees in his garden. The squeaky voiced womaniser, who has been known to plant a few of his own seeds around town, has returned to nature to “do his bit for the environment.” He can start cutting down on the noise pollution by quitting music.
The ‘singer’ said: “When I bought the place it had a garden with an orchard at the side. It’s about the size of a five-a-side football pitch and has apple trees, orange trees, avocados, limes and plums, which I planted myself. “I’m really into growing trees these days, trying to do my bit for the environment. In fact, we plant a tree every time we sell a ticket online.”

DRUG addict and occasional singer Amy Winehouse has been summoned to appear in a Norwegian court after she was arrested and fined in October for drug use. Winehouse, her husband and her hairdresser were all arrested in Bergen and fined €500 for drug use and possession of seven grams of marijuana – the hairdresser probably should have been sentenced for her crimes to Winehouse’s head.
The award winning songstress claimed that she was tricked into signing a confession, presumably because she was too stoned to realise. But Bergen police lawyer Rudolf Christoffersen said: “The three knew what they were signing. They were interrogated by a police officer who speaks fluent English… and they paid the fine on the spot.”
Winehouse’s Norwegian lawyer was not able to be contacted – she must have a lawyer for every country now.

LATINO love machine Enrique Iglesias has reassured the casual sex-infested backpacker world by insisting you don’t need to love someone to have sex with them. The singer believes lust is all you need to get down and dirty in the bedroom – easy to say when you have Anna Kournikova in the bedroom.
He said: “Sex and love are so different that, of course, you don’t have to be in love with a woman to sleep with her but it’s amazing when you get them both together.” Iglesias said he is determined not to emulate his sleazy father who claims to have bedded 3000 women – almost as many as James Blunt.
“I wouldn’t say I’ve learnt anything about women from my father, although I did decide that sleeping with 3,000 women was not the way I wanted to live my life.” That’s our excuse too.

RAPIDLY impoverished Paris Hilton may soon be in the firing line of new buddy Britney after she was spotted cosying up to Brit’s ex-hubby Kevin Federline. The hotel heiress - who has been told she is not receiving 99 per cent of her expected inheritance - and the rat look-alike were partying together in a Las Vegas nightclub. A peeping Tom source said: “Kevin and Paris were having fun. He kept shouting out her name and gave her a kiss on the cheek and then whispered something in her ear. It looked as though they were getting quite friendly.”
Gold-digger K-Fed was enjoying himself with Paris until he decided to grab the microphone and rap to the crowd, a la his hero, Snow. A disgusted source said: “Kevin tried his best, but all he did was spew a loud, heaping load of annoyance. Clubbers were fleeing for the exit once he started.” Dating Britney’s ex seems to be the new trend after Lindsay Lohan recently pissed off the bald bombshell by dating music producer J.R. Rotem.

BRONZED beauty Penelope Cruz is set to shock fans by passionately kissing her own sister Monica in their brother’s debut music video. The sisters play translators asked to interpret a lesbian porn film in their 22-year-old brother Eduardo’s new video for Cosas Que Contra. Perhaps shamelessly thinking that having his sisters’ stripping and dancing provocatively wouldn’t be enough to get publicity, the pair pose suggestively with Eduardo.
They then succumb to the obvious temptation and raunchily snog each other – which is both so wrong and so right at the same time. There was no way going out with Tom Cruise was going to leave Penelope psychologically unscarred.

JUDE LAW was haunted by the ghost of Frank Sinatra in Cuba when celebrating his birthday in the same room as Ol’ Blue Eyes used to stay. Hilariously, the former rat pack member wasn’t hovering over his bed but nicking drinks from the hotel mini-bar.
A source at the hotel said: “He swore he saw Frank crouched at the mini-bar, rummaging through the bottles and snacks.” The mini bar emptied and visions of Frank Sinatra – sounds like there can be no other explanation than a supernatural one.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS is planning a huge comeback in 2008 - sparked by jealousy of the success of former band mates Take That. The singer, who is wallowing in self-pity over his diagnosed mental condition of wallowing in self-pity, is preparing new material set for release in the new year. A source close to the singer, possibly a chef, said: “Things haven’t been going that well for Robbie recently and he’s been having a bit of a break from recording. “His last album Rudebox was panned by critics, which was made worse by the fact Take That are doing so well, without him.
“Robbie has now decided enough is enough and it’s time to reclaim his crown.” Robbie displaying deep-rooted psychological problems that lead him to crave attention and be loved at all times while allowing himself to be troubled unnaturally by the success of others – business as usual then.

STILL-NOT-DEAD Pete Doherty has been accused of stealing something other than heroin after a musician claimed he robbed a tune without crediting him. Wayne Kenyon claims that the song Baddie’s Boogie is based on a song he wrote in 1997 when on tour with rock group The Ferrymen and has taken Doherty to court over it.
Speaking from a working man’s club in some godforsaken town, Kenyon said: “Baddie’s Boogie is a tune I wrote for The Ferrymen. I have footage of me playing it at three gigs in Germany in 1997,” before asking the assembled journalists to tip the waitresses on the way out. Meanwhile Doherty is also facing claims he used lyrics from punk poet N