EVEN the much-hyped ‘Super Tuesday,’ and all the surrounding razzmatazz has failed to separate leading Democrat presidential candidates Barack Obama and Bilary Clinton.
Both candidates had reason to claim victory, with Obama winning 13 states to Clinton’s 8 – but with Clinton clinching crucial states like California and Massachusetts. Despite being the first African-American in history with a realistic chance of becoming President, Obama has refused to play the race card while Hillary has burst into tears at strategic moments in the campaign in a cynical attempt to ingratiate herself with the ‘sisterhood.’
Meanwhile, Republican Vietnam veteran John McCain now has a free run at running as the Republican candidate after blowing the other nobodies out of the water.
MARKETING geniuses in Adelaide have launched a campaign to lure Brits to sunnier climes with adverts headed “Sod London House Prices” and “Stuff London Traffic.” The cunning campaign also features persuasive posters with strap-lines “Screw Working in Staines” and “Bugger it, I’m off to Adelaide” - attempting to attract students and skilled professionals.
Adelaidians claim ‘the city of churches’ is one of the world’s least expensive and highlight its fine businesses, universities, wine, beaches and average summer temperature of 28 degrees.
A campaign spokesman said: “It’s a stand-off challenge for people to stick two fingers up to the UK and reach out for a far superior way of life.”
THE LIFE of a nine-month-old German girl was saved after she was thrown by desperate parents from a third-floor window of a blazing flat – and caught by a heroic policeman.
As flames engulfed the building in Germany, baby Onur plummeted through thick smoke before landing safely in the cop’s arms 40 feet below. The fire broke out on the first floor before wooden stairs acted like a chimney, driving flames upwards.
Rene Werse, who took a picture of the falling child, said: “I saw things I shall never forget.” Whether the parents would have thrown the baby if an England wicketkeeper was standing below is unclear.
THE TRIED and tested cornerstones of the Tory Party – sleaze and corruption – have made a welcome return this week with the revelation that MP Derek Conway sacked his loyal secretary and gave his wife the job.
Since his secretary’s dismissal, money-grabbing Conway has ensured his wife Colette, who works legitimately as his secretary, and their sons Freddie and Henry have raked in a whopping £374,401 from the taxpayer. And when former secretary Susan Davenport questioned his decision, the swaggering egomaniac flew into a rage, bellowing: “No one gets in my way! I will crush you! Crush you!”
The cynical stunt heaps more shame on the disgraced MP, who has been forced to stand down at the next election. And in a further study into political back-scratching, research has shown 144 of Parliament’s 646 MPs admitted members of their families worked for them – three times higher than estimates made last week.
IN THE comic understatement of the century, the French rogue trader accused of a £3.7 billion bank fraud admitted: “I got a bit carried away.”
Arrogant banker Jerome Kerviel came out of hiding to deny responsibility for the scandal, saying: “I refuse to be a scapegoat for my bank.” However, the hopes of Societe Generale being lenient on their former employee don’t look good.
At one stage he allegedly gambled a mind-blowing £37 billion – more than the entire bank was worth and greater than the gross national product of Morocco. Some flutter.
SOZZLED student Chris Foster refused to end a drinking binge – and bizarrely swallowed his front door key to avoid being sent home. The student was told he’d had enough to drink after a titanic binge of six beers, half a litre of vodka and some whisky at a mate’s flat. But Chris, 18, after some considered reflection, disagreed and gulped his key.
Next day he borrowed a key, went home and got changed before ending up at hospital, where an X-ray showed the key in his stomach. It eventually emerged naturally – albeit a little painfully – 31 hours later.
“I was too drunk to remember doing it,” said Chris, of Bournemouth, while sitting down gingerly and cursing the day he bought that corkscrew keyring.
A DRUG-FUELLED burglar suffered a crisis of conscience mid-way through ransacking a social club - but despite begging to be arrested was told police were too busy. Liam Tomlinson, who was thrown out of the army for heroin abuse, dialled 999 after breaking into the clubhouse of Burnley side Rossendale United FC. However, despite eight previous convictions for break-ins, he was allowed to continue his villainy because no patrol car was available.
The boys in blue were clearly too busy ‘helping’ fill government coffers by stopping someone driving at 31mph. It was only after two more burglaries over the next 12 days that he was finally brought before magistrates, where he pleaded guilty to all three counts - but still escaped jail.
THE DREAM of breakfast on Bondi Beach being followed by your mum’s Sunday roast will soon become reality with the new “Son of Concorde” flying between London and Sydney in under five hours.
Travelling at five times the speed of sound, the hypersonic airliner is being heralded as the future of modern air travel. The revolutionary aircraft, when built, will carry 300 passengers at top speeds of 3,400mph. It will also satisfy environmentalists with hi-tech liquid hydrogen-powered engines producing far lower carbon emissions, making aur travel greener. Engineers believes the plane will be built and ready to take off within 15 years.
It has not yet been decided whether flights will be scheduled to allow customers to watch two different episodes of Neighbours on the same day.
RACIST morons who taunted British F1 driver Lewis Hamilton during testing could cost Spain its Grand Prix, F1 chiefs have warned. The Spanish Grand Prix is scheduled for May while Valencia is due to host the European Grand Prix for the first time three months later. But Spanish organizers were warned they could be stripped of their events if there is a repeat of the abuse during pre-season tests before next month’s opening race. Whizkid Hamilton — a hate figure among Spaniards after a bitter row with ex-McLaren teammate Fernando Alonso last year — faced boos and racist chants as he tested his new car at Barcelona’s Montmelo circuit.
A motor racing website displayed photographs of Spanish F1 supporters wearing black make-up and dark wigs at the track, with white t-shirts emblazoned with ‘Hamilton’s Family’ on the front and ‘Alonso No1’ on the back.
Witnesses at last week’s testing said sick spectators shouted “black shit” and “f***ing black” whenever mixed race Lewis - whose mum Carmen is white and dad Anthony is black - made a pitstop.
This episode is the latest in a history of racist abuse involving Spanish fans. In 2004 Ashley Cole and Rio Ferdinand were abused during an international friendly in Madrid. Spanish coach Luis Aragones also branded Thierry Henry “a black shit.” Charming.
BOOB jobs have swelled to record levels in the UK – for men as well as women. More men than ever seem to be sprouting a set of man-boobs that would put Meatloaf to shame. As a result, the number of blokes who had their expanding breasts reduced in 2007 with so-called ‘moob jobs’ soared by 27 per cent to 224.
Meanwhile, 98 Bernard Manning look-alikes had tummy tucks to lose their beer guts – a 61 per cent hike. Boozing, overeating and more female hormones in the environment have been blamed for blokes sprouting grotesque moobs, according to the fittingly named plastic surgery association, BAAPS.
London-based surgeon Dalia Nield said: “In the past men put up with having strange shaped bodies. Now they know there is a solution.”
A RANDY French airline pilot has been filmed groping a naked stewardess in the cockpit of an airplane bound for the UK. The leering airline captain was clearly shown mauling a saucy stewardess’s breast – as she performs a strip-tease in mid-air. It is understood the pilot and his First Officer invited the attendant up front to liven up a European short-haul flight to London. The girl, in her 20’s and wearing a wedding ring, happily obliged.
The amorous airman was seen whooping for joy as the trolley dolly unbuttoned her uniform. He even managed to take his hands off his joystick to help unhook her top before carrying out a full inspection in the cockpit. And, at one point, she even lifted her skirt to show her undercarriage. Their antics were filmed by another member of the French crew and posted on the net. Last night a probe was underway at several European airlines to find those involved.
INNOCENT people in the UK who thought they were supporting a religious school are being duped into buying weapons for the Taliban. Gloating extremist Mohammed Nawaz Raja is accused of running a network of door-to-door money-raisers collecting thousands for his fake ‘charity,’ which is allegedly funding terrorists in Afghanistan.
The Muslim fanatic is also sponging off state benefits, despite living in a five-bedroom house worth £350,000. The terror scrounger claims to have sent the Taliban hundreds of thousands of pounds. Despite purporting to hate everything Britain stands for, hypocritical Raja is more than happy to accept benefit money and use it to buy weapons to kill British troops and taxpayers.
“Take for example a small family with four children, if the husband works he would get £300 to £400 a week. And if he doesn’t work the government still pay him around that, so why should he work?
“If he works he gets around £350 a week and if he doesn’t he gets £300. For just £50, who would work?” he said, showing he may have more in common with the average British male than he realises.
ONE of Ireland’s top models has become the target of a sick hate campaign.
The high profile model and organiser of the Miss Ireland competition, Andrea Roche, has hit out against a series of ‘poison pen’ letters that have been sent to several newspapers last week. “The idea that a very sick and very cowardly person is obsessed with you enough to do this is obviously scary and quite upsetting,” she said.
Roche believes that the letters may have the same origin as another series of correspondence that was sent a year and a half ago, before her wedding to PJ Mansfield. The incident is currently under investigation by Gardai but considering the sheer amount of vindictive, shallow back-stabbers that populate the fashion industry, it may take some time to find the culprit.
AN ECONOMIC expert believes that Ireland has completely pissed away its new found wealth and prosperity over the last 15 years.
“The boom of the last 15 years created a wave of irrational exuberance,” according to Austin Hughes, chief economist at IIB Bank. “Too many houses were built. Too much cash was spent. Too many prices were raised excessively. Too much money was borrowed. The culture of conspicuous consumption engendered by the boom was unsustainable,” he said.
The economic expert was speaking following the release of latest live register figures, which revealed a 7,800 increase in the jobless total in the past month - further proof, if needed, that Ireland’s economy is going down the toilet from whence to came. Austin Hughes also predicted further job lay-offs in the manufacturing and construction industries - great news for publicans and bookmakers.
KINKY Kelly Brook gives baldy boyfriend Billy Zane a licence to thrill by acting out James Bond-style fantasies in hotel bedrooms around the world.
The buxom beauty revealed she and her actor fiancé spice up their long-distance relationship by planning 007-style rendezvous in different countries. The couple divide their time between homes in LA and Kent and are often separated because of work commitments. Kelly raved about her sensational spy sex, saying: “It can be great having a long-distance relationship because you don’t take the other person for granted. You actually really appreciate them.
“You can have great rendezvous in hotels all over the world. It can all be very James Bond!” Unfortunately for men across the globe the spawny slaphead will be the only one to see what Kelly reveals after saying ‘this is For Your Eyes Only.’
THE MAN who achieved the unthinkable and made flimsy swimming trunks cool again, Daniel Craig, admits that fans taking pictures of his classified pecker on mobile phones drives him insane.
The Bond actor said he has no problem with signing autographs – but draws the line at people snapping him taking a leek.
Daniel said: “People try to take pictures of me when I’m having a piss and it’s not welcome and never will be.” Let’s hope Daniel shakes and doesn’t stir.
PASTY public school ponce Johnny Borrell has added another Hollywood hottie to his hit list after casting his spell on Harry Potter star Emma Watson. The Razorlight rocker was pictured during a night out with the pretty 17-year-old actress, who plays schoolgirl Hermione Granger in the hit movies. The pair shared a taxi from a party at London’s National Portrait Gallery to local nightclub Dolce, where they danced the night away.
An onlooker said: “They looked like they were getting on really well. While nothing happened, there was an obvious chemistry between them.” Watson – who wore a tight strapless mini-dress – appeared keen to present a more grown up image and was starstruck by the ex-druggie.
But after Kirsten Dunst dumped Borrell last year for being too much of a bad boy, friends have warned her about a dangerous dalliance with a man ten years older. He obviously wants her to start holding a different type of magic wand.
RAMSAY Street veteran Ian Smith wants to go from playing pompous pensioner Harold Bishop to a pimpin’ playa after quitting Neighbours. The 69-year-old actor made the shock confession that he wants a drastic image change after ending his 20-year stint on the cult Aussie soap. Completely unaware that he is type-cast and will be forced to return to the show tail between his legs, Smith says he wants to try something new and is prepared to upset devoted fans.
He managed to keep a straight face when saying: “I’ve loved playing Harold, but I’d much rather turn up in The Bill as a baddie. I’d like to play a real nasty piece of work, like a pimp. “It would definitely raise a few eyebrows and be completely different to what people expect of me.”
Producers of the show – now shown on channel five in Britain – have left the door open for old jelly belly to return if he chooses. Give it a couple of pantomime seasons and he’ll be back.
HEATHER MILLS is an insatiable nymphomaniac who allegedly had marathon sex sessions behind Paul McCartney’s back, claim The News of The World. Lady Mucca’s reputation is now so damaged that she may have to settle for a fraction of the £80 million she originally sought to buy her silence. Film editor Tim Steel, her clandestine lover, said:
“Heather was insatiable between the sheets and she liked to call me her four-times-a-night guy. “Most of the time it was multiple orgasms. Heather has a very unusual erogenous zone – her stump. I used to massage one particular sensitive area of it and give her an orgasm! “I’m a fit guy but she had tremendous stamina. We’d be at it like rabbits. She was up for it anywhere too. Once she gave me a blow job under the desk while I was working in my editing suite.
“It was all sex – I’d come home from work to find her waiting for me naked in bed. If ever I was too tired for it, Heather would get angry and kick me out of bed. “She had a hoard of vibrators of all shapes and sizes for when she was home alone. Her favourite was a huge back massager that she plugged into the mains. “My mates always used to joke that they knew when I was away on business because the lights in London dimmed!”
NEVER one to shy away from making public lurid details which others would take to their grave, Pete Burns wannabe Jordan has bashfully volunteered the spine-chilling details of her fourth boob job.
The model of elegant deportment is so disappointed by her disfigured and deflated mammeries that she is now considering a quite ludicrous fifth boob job to reduce her plastic puppies further.
“When I saw my boobs I was disappointed because they looked big and I wanted them to be a lot smaller. “They look fine in a bra but they hang too low when I’m standing up and it’s really bad when I’m lying down. There’s about a four inch gap. I’ve also got indents so you can see where the implant is sitting.”
Jordan also revealed that her latest surgery has doused the flames of her once animalistic passion with husband Peter Andre. Seems strange – that four inch gap should be just perfect for pint-sized Andre.
NOTORIOUS lothario Jack Nicholson, who has slept with 2,000 women, claims that he is a feminist. The geriatric gigolo, who only last week confessed to taking Viagra when having threesomes, claims that his reputation as a callous cad is uncalled for – and that he is actually a right-on new-man.
Nicholson, like the plot from one of his bizarre movies, was raised to think that his mother was his sister and that his grandmother was his mother, and claims that this taught him to respect strong women – or at least want to shag them by the score.
“I was raised by two strong women. I heard all I needed to hear on their knee. I heard, ‘You think this ‘pr**k’ would have treated a man like this in a business deal?’ “In that way I was familiar with feminism long before the newspapers.”
CELEBRATED director and infamous dirty old man Woody Allen has come up with a cast iron way of making his next movie a box office smash – casting Scarlett Johansen and Penelope Cruz in an “extremely erotic” lesbian sex scene.
Allen will have Latina lovely Cruz going loco for Johannsen’s all-conquering Nordic norks in a classic case of honest-to-goodness smut posing as art. A mysteriously well informed movie insider said: “It is extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and the whole scene will leave the audience gasping.”
It’s thought Woody demanded re-take after re-take of the scene - to get it just right. Vicky Cristina Barcelona is expected to be released later this year.
TOUGH-GUY actor Sylvester Stallone has admitted he was terrified filming the new Rambo movie – after receiving a string of death threats. The hard-man was filming the latest action blockbuster on the remote Thai/Burmese border, when both he and the crew received a series of sinister warnings. In this latest installment Rambo has retreated to a simple life in Thailand, salvaging old boats, capturing snakes and collecting his weekly pension.
The previous 1988 installment, the imaginatively titled Rambo 3, featured Rambo taking on the entire Russian Army in Afghanistan armed with just a bow and arrow, proving that gritty reality was never Stallone’s strong point.
There are unconfirmed reports that 61-year-old Stallone’s next appearance as Rambo will be entitled: Rambo 5 ‘Bus Pass To Hell.’
THERE are two big reasons why an injured Dolly Parton has postponed her upcoming tour – her world-famous breasts. The country icon’s North American tour was scheduled to begin later this month, but doctors have ordered her to rest for eight weeks because of the damage her double-D delights have done to her back.
Dolly revealed she is keen to get something off her chest – hoping a breast reduction will relieve pain. The Jolene singer said: “They have been a trademark for me – but I’ve paid one hell of a price. “You try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems.” However, her novel exercise routines may also have something to do with the injury:
“I’ve been breaking my neck and bending over backwards trying to get my new Backwoods Barbie CD and world tour together,” Parton added. We’re no doctors, but reckon breaking your neck and bending over backwards would cause at least minor discomfort.
THE HELL-RAISER with the voice of an angel, Amy Winehouse, stuck two fingers up to the US authorities who denied her a visa because of her drug charges – by sweeping the boards at the Grammys.
Amy won in an incredible five out of the six categories she was nominated in, only losing out to Herbie Hancock in the album of the year. Amy picked up the awards for Record of the Year: Rehab, Song of the Year: Rehab, New Artist, Pop Vocal Album: Back to Black and Female Pop Vocal Performance: Rehab.
You could say she was in smokin’ form. And certainly not the first time she has had a few ‘grammies’ tucked in her pocket. A usual with Amy, while her career explodes her personal life implodes, begging the question, as with Pete Doherty, are the record buying public suckers for a tale of the self-destructive genius? Amy’s deadbeat husband Blake Fielder-Civil, currently in prison for trying to pervert the course of justice, has been emotionally blackmailing Amy to stay with him – by falsely claiming to have attempted suicide in his cell.
The talentless thug wrote this heart-breaking love note: “Baby, oh darling. I’m so worried that now you’re thinking straight you’ll realise I’m not worthy of you.” A Prison Service source said: “We can state 100 per cent that he has not been involved in any suicide attempt.”
SCOTTISH music producer Calvin Harris has, with refreshing candour, confessed that he regrets not stringing the media along that he was dating Kylie Minogue in order to sell more albums.
Former Marks and Spencer shelf-stacker Harris was linked to pop’s most famous midget shortly after her split from French love-rat Olivier Martinez. Harris co-wrote and produced two songs on Kylie’s recent album and the tabloids put two and two together and added unfounded sexual intrigue, reporting that they were an unlikely item. Calvin, who must hardly be strapped for cash given his recent chart success, realises he naively passed up a golden opportunity to cash in on his fleeting tabloid 15 minutes of fame.
“Had I been a bit more intelligent about it I could have kept it going for months. “I would have been Kylie’s boyfriend Calvin Harris and I would have sold a few more albums,” said Calvin, showing that fame has gone to his head by speaking about himself in the third person.
QUEEN guitarist Brian May has claimed, in all seriousness, that he didn’t know that arguably the most flamboyant homosexual of all time, Freddie Mercury, was gay.
Eagle-eyed May’s Gaydar seems to have malfunctioned quite spectacularly over a number of years: “It was only in the 1980s that he started bringing men backstage who had that particular Adonis look. “When I shared a room with him on tour in the early days I can assure you it was girls who generally stayed overnight.
“But he seemed to be what these days you would call metrosexual. He was into his hair, his clothes. He definitely led the way with regard to preening.” May also claimed that the exuberant showman was an introvert when not performing: “Freddie was probably more shy than any of us. His way of coping with that was to act like a god onstage.”
RAGGED reprobate Pete Doherty is charging just $200 to perform at private parties – enough for a few hits at least. The derelict attention seeker and hopeless drug abuser, who once admitted that Kate Moss left him because “my dick is too small,” agreed to play at a fan’s party for the, even for Doherty, demeaning sum of $200.
A source said: “The birthday girl’s dad told him she was a huge fan and that he’d give him $200 to perform at her party. “Pete was flattered and happy to oblige so he turned up and played his big hits.” Shouldn’t have taken too long. “Everyone had a great time. Her dad told the local paper and Pete is now in huge demand.” Looks like the former Libertine has finally found his level – rock bottom.
IT’S a long way from X Factor to respect in ‘da hood’ but that is exactly what Leona Lewis – or her marketing gurus – has tried to achieve, with her claims that she saw friends shot in her London youth. The easy–on–the–eye winner of last year’s X factor, described by Simon Cowell as “absolutely the best contestant I have ever had across any of these shows,” made a truly cringe-worthy attempt to garner some much-needed street cred.
“Most of my friends have been shot, stabbed or beaten up. Not so much the girls but the guys. All my friends have been in trouble. It’s part of you being young in London,” she said. Except a collaboration with Dr Dre anytime soon, with Leona sporting gang tats and rapping about her deceased homies.
THE WHO singer Roger Daltrey may have gone a little too far in trying to stress that his tempestuous relationship with noted internet researcher and sometime Who guitarist Pete Townshend is a positive one, claiming to be in “love” with him. Daltrey said: “Despite what people might say, we do actually like each other. I love the man. It doesn’t matter what I say about him, or he says about me, something happens when we create music together.”
Daltrey accepts the pair have had their differences over the course of their career, which has spanned an incredible four decades, but insists the friction has been beneficial. He explained to Q magazine: “There were musical differences, sure, but that tension was what made us who we are.”
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