SPINELESS toad Tony Blair is set to bag himself yet another bumper payday with a job at Swiss insurance firm Zurich. The former Prime Minister has not been doing too badly since leaving office, having lined up a £2.5million a year role advising JP Morgan Chase. He is also expected to make up to £10 million on the sale of his autobiography, possibly titled How To Keep America Happy.
On top of these trifling payments, Blair already receives thousands from offering his sage advice at talks around the world and £64,000 a year for his Prime Ministerial pension. Looks like he really is a champagne socialist.
Labour MP Peter Kilfoyle – who was part of Blair’s campaign team when he ran for the party’s leadership in 1994 – huffed: “I’m amazed anybody would pay that much to somebody whose judgment has been shown to be so lacking. It makes me despair.”
FED-UP Britons are leaving the country in record numbers because of spiralling levels of immigration, crime and tax. As immigrants continue to pile into the UK, increasing numbers of Brits are fleeing the land of their birth in search of pastures greener. In 2007, 250,000 people left the country – that equates to one pissed off person boarding a plane every two minutes.
Only 207,000 left in 2006 and 149,000 in 1997 to the most popular destinations of Australia, New Zealand, France and Spain. Emigration expert Paul Arthur said from Barbados: “We have had record enquiries about emigration over this winter, with people not just wanting to escape the bleak weather, but seeking a whole change of lifestyle.
“Many are unhappy with the levels of crime, high taxes and the general way of life. Overseas there are more career opportunities, particularly in Australia and New Zealand which have huge shortfalls in skilled labour.”
JEREMY BEADLE has died of pneumonia in a London hospital aged 59. Best known for fronting the hit Eighties prank show Beadle’s About, Beadle also raised an incredible £100 million for charities. In his heyday, Beadle pulled in audiences of 15 million for shows like You’ve Been Framed which have now been hijacked by far better looking but less funny hosts like Kirsty Gallagher.
Dianne Nelmes, former producer of YBF said Beadle was best known for his pranks, “but in reality he was the kindest person you could ever meet.” Beadle’s health had been fading in recent years after he was diagnosed with a mild form of leukaemia and also had to have a cancerous kidney removed. He was awarded an MBE in 2001 for his charity work.
BOFFINS claim that cannabis is actually 5.7 times worse for you than ciggies. Scientists now believe that a spliff every day for ten years is, unsurprisingly, not great for your health, as per most enjoyable activities. Those that smoke a spliff every day for ten years are more likely to get cancer than their cigarette puffing counterparts.
The thinking behind the claims is that joint smokers inhaled more without proper filters. New Zealand’s hazy Medical Research Institute said: “In the future we may see an epidemic of lung cancer because of increasing use in youngsters.”
PRIVACY is seemingly a luxury of the past in Britain as it was discovered that 1,000 people a day are bugged. Councils, police and intelligence services are tapping and intercepting the phone calls, emails and letters of hundreds of thousands of people a year – although a quick search on Facebook would probably be of more success.
The report, by Sir Paul Kennedy, the Orwellian named Interception of Communications Commissioner, has revealed that Britain really has become a “surveillance state.” Shami Chakrabarti, the director of civil rights group Liberty, said: “It beggars belief that in a nine-month period, based on these figures, the entire City of Westminster could have had their phones tapped - yet Britain remains one of the few Western countries that won’t allow this evidence to be used in court… to prosecute criminals and terrorists.”
THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, famed around the world for being an austere and solemn house of political debate, has turned into a den of iniquity over the last few weeks – and for once we’re not talking about MPs’ fetishes for bizarre sex. Twice in the last month MPs have sworn at each other during parliamentary debates. Just a few weeks ago a Labour minister sullied Parliament’s reputation by dismissing complaints from troops serving in Iraq about life-threatening kit shortages as “absolute b*****ks.”
Of course, he knows better than the troops who have bullets and mortar whizzing passed their heads with nothing but tin helmets used in WWI for protection. This week Lib Dem MP Greg Mulholland called Labour frontbencher Ivan Lewis an “arsehole,” after he refused to let him speak in a debate over hospital funding. You would have thought a Lib Dem would have been used to being ignored by now.
PROSTITUTION should be legalised for the 2010 World Cup to reduce sexual assaults and bring in tax revenue, according to a South African MP. That’s a way of boosting the unemployment figures that Labour’s spin doctors will be kicking themselves they didn’t think of. The proposition by George Lekgetho should thrill regulars like Ronaldo and Rooney, should their teams qualify.
“It is one of the things that would make the tournament a success, because we hear of many rapes because people don’t have access to them, women,” Lekgetho told the Parliamentary arts and culture committee. Quite what prostitution has to do with art or culture is anyone’s guess. “If sex working is legalised, people would not do things in the dark. That would bring us tax and would improve the lives of those who are not working.” Should be less crowd trouble.
CHARMING French president Nicolas Sarkozy has threatened to sue luxury airliner Ryanair over an advertisement featuring a satirical photograph of him with his girlfriend Carla Bruni.
The advertisement, which was shown in Le Parisien newspaper, shows the pair happily staring into the sky with Carla Bruni saying: “With Ryanair, my whole family can come to my wedding.” The ad comes weeks after the couple apparently got married in a secret Paris wedding much to the chagrin of the French public, for some strange reason.
In the perfect example of Ryanair utilising the ‘any publicity is good publicity’ stunt, the company have also been forced to take down ads in the UK which show a slutty schoolgirl with the title: “Hottest back to school fares.”
NERDY University students who can’t get a bird perform better in exams than than students who are preoccupied with getting their end away, according to a new study.
Researchers questioned 1,000 undergraduates and found those at poorly performing colleges had the most number of sexual partners. For example, Peterhouse came close to bottom in the ranking order of colleges but more importantly came third in the promiscuity list. Its slower students has five sexual partners as opposed to three at Christ’s College, which came second in the academic rankings. Christ’s did have the privilege of having the most virgins in the UK though.
Students who study Medicine had the most sex buddies with eight while, unsurprisingly, Theology students kept things holy with only two partners on average. Well named editor of the study Ed Cumming said: “Those involved in postgraduate study are less likely to have had sex than their undergraduate counterparts. “It suggests that as long as you believe in sex before marriage, you will have lost your virginity by the time you graduate.”
AN AXE-WIELDING man, who was in a crowd of people waiting to see the Queen, has been sentenced to six years by a judge who said he wanted to provoke a reaction from armed police.
Ignoring the fact that he may well have wanted to chop Ma’am’s head off, the judge scolded Jonathan Durham Hall because if the police had to open fire on him, innocent children might have been hurt, proving the fact that there is more to fear from UK cops than axe-swinging maniacs.
The Queen got out of a car directly in front of him but he was arrested before he had the chance to strike a blow for republicanism.
FIVE men have been convicted of Britain’s most daring heist ever, nicking £53 million from a Securitas depot in Kent in 2006. During the robbery Securitas manager Colin Dixon, his wife Lynn, and their young child were held at gunpoint and warned: “You will die if you do not do as you are told.” The gang robbed so much money that they were forced to leave millions behind because it wouldn’t all fit in the getaway lorry.
Reading from his Lord Byron poetry book, Sir John Nutting QC said: “All were motivated by the prospect of dishonest gain almost beyond the dreams of avarice.” The delighted (for a while) gang hid the money around the country and also spread some of the cash in Cyprus and Morocco, but when Securitas offered a £2 million award for information leading to the recovery of the money, snitches popped up everywhere.
£30 million of the stolen money has still not been recovered and another suspect has since been extradited from Morocco. The judge has warned all the culprits to expect very lengthy jail terms. We’re sure the prison break is being planned in detail already by those bold bastards.
IN ADMIRABLY optimistic fashion, the world’s hairiest man is looking for love on the net after being given the boot by his bird. Yu Zhenhuan, recognised in 2002 as the world’s hairiest man by the Guinness Book of Records, is hoping a dating agency might change his fortunes.
Through muffled fur, he said: “My whole body is covered with hair, and my parents are worried I won’t be able to find a wife. Many girls are shocked when they see me in person. “I feel like King Kong, hideous, but with a soft and tender heart,” he told Zhejiang Online.
NOTORIOUS Dublin crime figure Martin ‘The Viper’ Foley has survived a fourth attempt on his life but gardai fear that the latest attempt will re-ignite a deadly gang feud. Despite being shot eight times outside the Carlisle Health and Fitness Club in Kimmage, the Viper was on the road to recovery, largely down to his fitness according to doctors.
While being ambulanced away, Foley named his would-be killer to the police. Gardai have found the weapon used in the attack as well as discarded clothing and other unnamed items. Ireland’s own Rasputin was shot in the shoulder, arm, wrist, hand, twice in his lower back and thigh with one shot grazing his skull as he tried to escape in his Audi car, while listening to a 50 Cent track.
Foley is at the centre of the violent Crumlin-Drimnagh feud which has already claimed eight lives and is also a notorious debt collector – assumedly not for the Bank of Ireland student loans.
THE HEARING of teenagers in Ireland could be jeopardised because of overuse of iPods and other earphone devices. Ireland’s health problems are greater than the European average because the current generation have exposed themselves to prolonged noise on iPods according to audiologist Keith Ross, who was listening to Beethoven on a nice low volume.
At least one in ten of the population were found to experience difficulties, with victims left to guess words and struggling to cope with background noise. “Some of the figures are quite frightening, the proportion of people wearing earphones through their normal jobs or through listening to Walkmans and iPods,” according to Ross. Ironically, a special advice line has been set up to help those who are suffering from loss of hearing.
PETE DOHERTY has set his sights on opening his own animal sanctuary after he rescued a one-legged hedgehog, proving that drugs really do make people more interesting.
The rescue of the hedgehog Mrs Tiggy Winkle – quite possibly named while high – has seemingly encouraged Doherty to open a mini zoo. The Babyshambles frontman already has a proven track record in veterinary care, once allegedly feeding his pet kitten crack cocaine. Since rescuing Mrs Tiggy Winkle, Doherty has now set up a sanctuary in his back garden for the amputee.
An insider also claimed that recovering drug addict was “looking after a rat with no tail.”
In what sounds more like an experimental drug lab that an animal sanctuary, Doherty will care for all the freak animals, no doubt revelling being around creatures who are in a worse state than him.
GULLIBLE Cheryl Cole will stick by her husband despite him allegedly having a string of affairs and chivalrously offering one star-struck trollope a cash incentive to have an abortion.
Ashley Cole has been accused by single mother Aimee Watson of having an affair and telling her that he didn’t need to wear a condom because he was “always getting tests at Chelsea and he was clean.”
Cole also allegedly told the money-grabbing woman that she should be privileged that he vomited in her friend’s car. Cheryl Cole has vowed to stick by Ashley’s dog-eared story that he doesn’t remember anything at all. She also used the detestable excuse for a human being’s drunken impotence as evidence that the girl’s story was just another tawdry tabloid tale: “That’s utter rubbish. I know that for a fact! I know Ashley intimately, when he’s under the influence he isn’t capable.
“All he could remember is his friends leaving him upstairs with this girl and him being so ill that he was sick and she was putting a bucket under his head, looking after him.” That is what you call a role model.
CUTE Christina Ricci was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest movie – by a chimp. Imaginatively named Chim Chim did what any red-blooded ape would, grabbing Ricci’s left breast. The actress spoke of her terrifying, and perhaps exciting, experience: “It’s the first day of shooting and… I’m sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go.”
PUBLIC whore Paris Hilton claims that “people don’t know the real me” despite the fact that the public has seen her naked more than their own partners. At the same time as shy Paris is appearing semi-nude (again) on the cover of a magazine, the hard-working heiress bemoaned her bad image: “It makes me angry because people don’t know the real me, and I’m a very hard worker.
“I travel around the world constantly promoting my projects and endorsing products.” Believing herself to be some sort of Richard Branson, the blonde bimbo boasted: “Yes, I do get paid to go to parties… but when you see me at a party, I’m always working or promoting something, even if it’s as simple as wearing my clothing line for the pictures.”
It’s almost like a Victorian work house, the poor girl.
PUBLICITY prostitute Michael Lohan has vowed to gain revenge on the drug dealers that supplied his daughter Lindsay. That is, if offering to sell the story of your daughter’s personal drug battles to the highest bidder for your own financial reward can be regarded as revenge. While flirting shamelessly with the News of the World and The Sun editors, Michael dramatically exclaimed: “God is going to get even with this guy. He’s destroyed a lot of lives.
“I’ve been looking for the people who’ve been selling my daughter and these other kids the drugs. And come hell or high water, one day I’m going to find these guys and I’m going to expose them.” It’s always good to take life lessons from a man who spent two and a half years behind bars and tries to use his daughter’s drug problems for personal profit.
SMUG personified Simon Cowell admitted that he is vain but claimed it’s necessary for anyone working on TV. The preening pop svengali is famous for his preened appearance and addiction to wearing the same ‘thinning’ clothes repeatedly.
He said: “I am definitely vain. But to be honest with you, I can’t think of one person who is on TV who isn’t vain. It’s the nature of the beast.” Not at all worried about coming across as a wanker, he boasted: “I had veneers put on my teeth, and I had some Botox injected about three years ago. I think it looks great.”
Modesty and looks, he’s the whole package.
BRONZED beauty Eva Longoria is planning to use ghosts to convince George Clooney to work with her. Longoria admits that she has a fascination with magic: “I’ve had my cards read, and I’ve had my palm read, and I’ve had a psychic tell me things. “But a woman came up to me on the streets who I didn’t know, and said ‘Your aunt’s spirit won’t leave me alone until I come to tell you that she’s here.’ “I might use that line to land big movie roles. I’d be like, ‘George Clooney? This person is talking to me, I have this spirit, we have to talk, we have to do this movie together.”
Or, alternatively, you could just sleep with him. It could be slightly easier.
VIRILE former funnyman Eddie Murphy must be cursing his luck after it was revealed that he managed to impregnate Scary Spice despite only having sex with her three times.
A source revealed that: “Mel said all the problems would go away if Eddie agreed to her demands for a $9 million house in Malibu plus living expenses for 18 years.” So that is around $6 million per shag - a prostitute definitely would have been a cheaper call. “As they only had sex a few times, and she’d promised she had a contraceptive coil fitted, Eddie was certain it couldn’t be his.”
Despite all of the trouble the shags brought Eddie, what must sting the most is that the world now knows he has no standards.
MICHAEL JACKSON has re-recorded his seminal album Thriller with help from the Black Eyed Peas and Kanye West. The one man freak show promised fans at the NRJ Music Awards that: “There is a lot more to come from Michael Jackson. I’m coming back. And I’ve got a very special treat for all my fans.”
He continued: “I have been recording Thriller: 25th Anniversary with a lot of surprise guests.” The Peas’ Will.I.Am reprises the role initially performed by Paul McCartney on The Girl is Mine, with nice-from-afar-but-far-from-nice Fergie singing Beat It. Kanye West has remixed a song on the album.
Widely seen as one of the greatest of all time, the 1982 album harks back to Jacko’s golden days before his reputation sunk to that of Ian Huntley. It will perhaps be best remembered for the video of the title track, in which Jackson played himself - a plastic faced monster who scares children in the night.
YOUNG scamps the Arctic Monkeys dominated this year’s in-no-way pompous NME awards.
The Sheffield boys have seven nominations in the awards, including best band, live band, album, track and band most likely to ask you to buy cigarettes for them. The too-cool-for-school magazine also has such wacky categories as best and worst dressed, both of which Pete Doherty has been nominated for confusingly .
The villain of the year award will be contested by Amy Winehouse, Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and George Bush, what with NME being the political experts that they are.
BITCHIN’ soul singer Joss Stone has defended her nauseating new American street accent, saying that she don’t care for no British fans no mo’ y’all. The youth, from south central Devon, was rightly vilified after the 2007 Brit Awards, where she gave ‘big love out’ to Robbie Williams in an accent that wildly alternated between Lil’ Kim, Kiera Knightley and Jethro.
But the sista said she wasn’t bovvered: “At the end of the day, I don’t give a fuck if people have a problem with my accent. That’s all I can say about it. “The words I say do not change. If the way that it sounds is skew-whiff and you don’t like it, don’t listen.
“When people go to Australia for two weeks they come back sounding Australian - but the whole world doesn’t turn round and say, ‘Well, fuck you.’”
NEW Kids on the Block are set to reunite to the delight of their legions of menopausal fans. In yet another shocking indictment of the record industry’s inability to take chances on young bands, the five have been tempted out of their current schedule of touring student nights for rent money.
The band’s website, which has remained dormant since the invention of the internet, has been buzzing with activity and the band are expected to make an official announcement in the coming weeks.
Original members Jordan and Jonathan Knight, Joey McIntyre, Danny Wood and the only successful member Donnie Wahlberg are all said to be keen to get back together.
BIRMINGHAM’S favourite seven piece reggae band, UB40, have disputed frontman Ali Campbell’s reasons for leaving. Campbell had claimed that he left of his own accord due to problems with the band’s management, perhaps upset that he didn’t get free nibbles when performing at working men’s clubs.
However, the band have said that he left to pursue his own solo career, releasing the statement: “He chose to pursue and put his solo career over and above continuing to work with UB40.”
BONO has achieved the unthinkable and become even more sanctimonious, claiming that he sees Al Gore as an “Irish priest” to whom he can confess his “ecological sins.” The Irish demi-God has been doing his best in recent years to show mere mortals how to save the environment, but admitted he has a human side which sometimes makes him err – and, at these times, he turns to Al Gore.
He said: “It’s like being with an Irish priest. You start to confess your sins. Father Al, I am not just a noise polluter, I am a noise-polluting, diesel-soaking, gulfstream-flying rock star.”
Sadly, it didn’t stop there: “I’m going to kick the habit. I’m trying father Al, but oil has been very good for me - those convoys of articulated lorries, petrochemical products, hair gel.” Bono met Gore whilst sharing the stage with him at a conference in Switzerland, where the U2 man was promoting his campaign to save the world.
MARK RONSON has admitted he risked incurring the wrath of sensitive teenage souls throughout the Home Counties by remixing the 1995 Radiohead classic Just. He further infuriated the Prozac-popping masses by poking fun at the most earnest men in music by mimicking their original video which, for no apparent reason, featured crowds quoting lines from Midnight Cowboy to a man lying prone on the floor.
He said: “You do sometimes worry you’ll get negative reaction from fans as it’s a Radiohead song and they are such a massive band. But originally I just thought I’d use the track as part of my DJ set.”
ORIGINAL diva Diana Ross was barraged by boos after refusing to allow promoters to broadcast her image at a concert in Jamaica. Fans who paid extortionate amounts to watch the princess were left with no view of the ageing star after she demanded no cameras, scared that it will show up the fact that the years haven’t been kind.
One promoter said: “It was at the eleventh hour that her manager said she wouldn’t allow us to IMAG her performance and, if any cameras were present, she would not go on stage.”
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