THE ARMY has been accused of using misleading campaigns by a leading charity. The news will shock anyone who has grown up in Britain watching ludicrous recruitment adverts portraying the lifestyle of a squaddie to resemble that of Roger Moore in Live and Let Die.
Kids as young as seven are now being targeted with a rose tinted view of warfare, according to the study backed by the Joseph Rowntree Charitable Trust. Author David Gee said the Army are having a nightmare recruiting because, for some reason, not that many people are keen to get their legs blown off in a bid to support American imperialism in Iraq.
The report suggested that efforts to attract young people into risking their lives to fight pointless wars are now intensifying, especially among those below the recruitment age of 16. Incredibly, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence described the study as “ill informed and incorrect.” Who would have thought they’d say that?
PRESENTER Mark Speight was cleared of the death of his fiancée, fellow children’s TV presenter Natasha Collins. Men in lab coats will need to perform more tests over the coming weeks to determine what caused her death, as the autopsy on her body was “inconclusive.”
Collins was found in the bath of the penthouse home shared by the couple in St John’s Wood, north-west London, last week. A police spokesman said extra toxicology tests will now take place to try and find what led to her sudden death.
It was reported that Collins had hoovered up a fair amount of the white stuff before her death. But Speight’s mother, Jacqueline, reckons Collins died after taking pills prescribed from an undisclosed medical condition.
PRIME MINISTER Gordon Brown is to green light a proposal to build a new empire of nuclear power stations with no limit to the amount of energy, or indeed pollution, they supply.
At least 40 per cent of the UK’s energy will come from state-of-the-art plants pumping out twice the current output. The revelation is likely to have environmental campaigners frothing at the mouth – perhaps quite literally, with the radiation turning us all into frothy-mouthed two-headed extras from a Hammer Horror flick. Britain currently gets around 20 per cent of its power from nuclear plants. France gets a whopping 80 per cent and the UK is likely to follow. At least the constant supply of freaks for daytime talk shows will never run out.
Brown has wafted away objections and plans to make a decision this week. With Smithers stood by his side, a Whitehall official said: “Nuclear power is the only realistic option for our future. We must not rely on other nations.” Especially not the French.
A SCHOOLGIRL whose parents couldn’t understand a single word she was going on about has written a guide to teenage slang to help them out. Lucy van Amerongen, 13, from Box in Gloucestershire, penned The A-Z of Teen Talk, in a fit of teenage defiance.
Much to the stroppy teenager’s delight, the book is selling well in stores. With her parents stood beside their new favourite cash cow, she said: “I hope the book clears up confusion. Some parents don’t give teenagers enough credit for some of the words they use. More come up every day and a lot are very creative.” Her guide includes 300 teen words such as “antwacky” (unstylish), “cotch down” (sleep), “rago” (OK) and “zip” (yob).
LIFE on Earth may have started on a radioactive beach - quite possibly Brighton - according to a leading scientist. The sifting and collection of radioactive material by powerful tides could have generated the complex molecules that led to the evolution of carbon-based life forms – including plants, animals and us humans.
The theory is based on the fact that the moon’s orbit was a lot closer to the Earth billions of years ago, meaning tides could leave radioactive material on the beach and ruin your sunbathing. Astrobiologist Zachary Adam stroked his beard and mused: “Amino acids, sugars and [soluble] phosphate can all be produced simultaneously in a radioactive beach environment.” Well, duh.
ACID tongued TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson is fuming after he lost money by somewhat foolishly publishing his bank details in his newspaper column. The pompous public school ponce revealed his account numbers after dissing the public outcry stirred over the loss of 25 million people’s personal details on two computer discs.
But Clarkson admitted he was behaving like a bit of a knob after he discovered a reader had used the details to create a £500 direct debit to the charity Diabetes UK – someone buy that reader a drink. Clarkson published details of his Barclays account in The Sun, including his account number and sort code. He even told people how to find out his address. But he was soon made to look like a prize dickhead.
“I opened my bank statement this morning to find out that someone has set up a direct debit which automatically takes £500 from my account,” Clarkson said, hanging his head in shame. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke.
SUPPOSED “low cost” airlines took a savage bollocking last week over continually stitching passengers up with tons of hidden charges, which can add more than £28 to the advertised cost of a ticket. A report by Holiday Which? slammed one for charging a ludicrous £4 to use check-in and a silly £20 just to put a bag into the hold at the airport. Another was accused of charging a £15 fee for a fast boarding service.
Holiday Which? editor Lorna Cowan snorted: “Airlines should stop these extra charges.” However, the airlines hit back, saying the extras are “avoidable” and “voluntary.”
DOLE bludging layabouts will soon be given a kick up the arse if David Cameron gets his way with his latest populist policy. The Tory leader announced this week plans to get lazy bastards claiming benefits off Trisha and into parks to do some community service work if they have been on the dole for two years or more.
The work-shy will be ordered to spend 12 months cleaning up graffiti, picking up litter and tidying local parks. Anyone not keen on the idea will be stripped of weekly benefit payments. The Tory toad will also spell out plans for new return to work programmes to help them get a job. Back-to-work centres run by private firms and charities will be opened around the country.
BOBBIES in Liverpool have been stunned by a professional gangland hit from a sniper which saw a man in a Land Rover take a bullet between the eyes in roughneck suburb Halewood. The 35-year-old man - named as Derek Stevens - met his maker while heading down Macket’s Lane, Halewood. Stevens, who is from the area, croaked shortly after paramedics arrived on the scene.
While urging people to calm down, calm down, police said that the victim was known to them and that the shooting was not a random attack. Finally realising his dream of working in downtown Compton, Chief Superintendent John Young of Merseyside Police, said: “I would reassure our local communities that we are carrying out extensive investigations into the murder and the reasons for it. This was not an indiscriminate attack and we would not want our communities to be fearful of going about their daily business.”
FORMER Prime Minister and sole remaining fan of George Bush, Tony Blair, has come off the dole list, taking a part-time job with one of Wall Street’s biggest banks. Unlike most part-time jobs, Blair will be paid at least £10,000 a week for the role as adviser to JP Morgan.
He already earns an expected £1million a year from people who actually pay to hear him talk, as well as the income from “a small handful” of similar roles. He enunciated: “I have always been interested in commerce and the impact of globalisation.
“Nowadays, the intersection between politics and the economy in different parts of the world, including the emerging markets, is very strong.” As is the increasing violence in Iraq, the country you invaded, Tony.
SMOKING the reefer sends 500 people a week to hospital according to new statistics not at all tampered with by the government. Since being downgraded to a class C drug, the number of infuriatingly chilled out people being sent to hospital have risen to more than 16,500 a year. The opposition have taken the chance to lay the blame at Labour’s door like a hyena around an injured animal.
James Clappison, a Conservative member of the House of Commons home affairs committee, bemoaned: “The reclassification of cannabis sent the wrong message and was clearly the wrong decision. These figures show the evident dangers of cannabis abuse and support the case for the drug being restored to category B.” As it stands as a class C drug, it is as illegal as taking steroids and some prescription anti-depressants. Charges are very rarely brought against any people too slow to get away from the fuzz.
BOFFINS have published a list of all the phobias there are, including Genuphobists - a fear of the French. The list of hundreds of unlikely irrational fears (as opposed to rational ones, such as fear of the French), which can leave their sufferers with shortness of breath, rapid breathing, an irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea, and overall feelings of dread was published by US scientists - who presumably have time on their hands having already cured cancer.
Included is hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – a fear of long words. If you do suffer from this, then apologies for distressing you. Whereas back in the day it was just called being a pussy, lutraphobia is now a fear of otters, globophobia is a fear of balloons and pentheraphobia is a (probably justified) fear of the mother in law.
MARIAH ‘I’m not a diva’ Carey has said she would rather perform on stage with a pig than with Jennifer Lopez – at least this gives Kelly Osbourne hope of a high profile duet. When asked about a possible duet with pregnant J Lo, curvy Carey fumed: “I’d rather be on stage with a pig! A duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just isn’t going to happen.”
The two divas have crossed crystal-encrusted swords before when Carey accused Lopez of stealing two songs from the soundtrack for her fantastic 2001 movie Glitter. The interesting declaration about J Lo comes in the same week that the voluptuous vixen declared: “I am baffled, shocked and appalled when I am called a diva. I’ve never done one diva-ish thing in my life,” as she bathed in Evian water.
POOR old Lindsay Lohan is maintaining a low profile having blown her entire $7 million fortune on drugs, alcohol and rehab. Even more embarrassingly, she has resorted to using the old ‘I swear I’ll pay you back’ line to her friends. Proving that taking drugs does pay, Lindsay has forked out $137,000 on three separate stints in rehab and thousands more to fight her DUI charges.
She has also forked out up to $1m and a half on the essentials like clothes and partying hard. Unsurprisingly for a pale ginger lass, Lohan has also forked out $70,000 on tanning and hair salons. The actress has had to sell her luxury pads in New York and L.A. because she couldn’t afford the mortgages. It’s going to take at least one straight-to-DVD movie to make that money back.
TRASHBAG Britney Spears was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital after a ludicrous showdown with police at her mansion over custody rights. Britney let loose with a series of shrieking tantrums after which a fleet of police cars, ambulances and fire trucks were dispatched on the taxpayer’s dollar.
The four hour stand-off eventually saw her sprogs - Jayden James and Sean Preston - returned unharmed as Spears was rushed away, speaking in tongues and craving Valium. Although the status of her medical condition is officially unknown (certified lunatic is a reasonable guess), it is being suggested that Britney was coked out of her mind when police picked her up. She is used to being picked up by men when coked up these days. The former minx Britney has once again proved that there is no such thing as rock bottom if you carry on digging, and has left no doubt that the school uniform-clad pop starlet who fuelled a thousand middle aged men’s sordid masturbatory fantasies has long since disappeared.
LATINO lovely Eva Longoria has inevitably revealed that she has let herself go since marrying basketball star Tony Parker. Eva joked: “Now that I’m married I don’t have to try so hard. Only kidding! “Like most women, I go through phases of working out hardcore and then two months of not touching a bar bell.”
Longoria insists that she works out for her health and not for the flawlessly stunning body that she has sculpted. The beauty said: “I grew up as an athlete so I wanted to be strong and healthy, not so much thin and beautiful. So that’s not what I work out for.” Kind of like Martina Navratilova.
KOOKY Tom Cruise has become the second-in-command of the Scientology cult, according to a hard hitting new book. Author Andrew Morton claims that Cruise’s daughter Suri may have been fathered using the sperm of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
The thinking behind Scientology is that dead aliens attached themselves to humans 75 million years ago, led by the ancient ruler Xenu, brainwashing us – perhaps into believing outlandish stories about ancient rulers and aliens. In Morton’s controversial book, he writes: “Some Sea Org (Scientologists) fanatics wondered if the actress (Katie Holmes) had been impregnated with Hubbard’s frozen sperm.
“Katie might have felt as if she were in a real-life version of horror movie Rosemary’s Baby, in which a young woman is impregnated with the Devil’s child.” Cruise’s busy lawyers have called the book a “pack of lies.” And if anyone knows about a pack of lies, it is the second-in-command of Scientology.
SMOOTH talking Kid Rock was somehow unable to bed Jessica Alba when they were shooting a TV show together. Scruffbag Rock mused: “I spent a week in South America with Jessica for this TV show, an environmental show called Trippin.
“Jessica is such a sweetheart. But she’s definitely not giving it up. I said to her: ‘Do you know what, you are so fucking hot, I’m not even going to fuck with you.’ And she turned round and went: ‘Fuck you, Kid Rock.’” It’s almost like a Richard Curtis movie. With charm like that, it is no wonder he managed to pick up women like Pamela Anderson.
POUTING Posh Spice has compiled a list of enemies who will be banned from attending the Spice Girls reunion concerts. The list, which will pretty much empty the stadium, is made up of people who have slagged off Beckham over the years. Included are equally talentless Jordan and greasy husband Peter Andre, Lily Allen, Sophie Ellis Bextor, Denise Van Outen and Graham ‘everything looks like a penis’ Norton.
A source, very careful about how to speak of Her Majesty, said: “Victoria has taken some stick over the years from certain celebrities. She doesn’t want to be doing her stuff on stage, and then see famous faces in the audience taking the piss. “So, quite understandably, Victoria has banned a number of well-known names from the show.” Lily Allen rightly claimed that Beckham was too skinny to be a role model while Van Outen and Norton had the audacity to make similar claims.
WHINGING Robbie Williams has claimed that touring “nearly killed” him – just like the constant feel-sorry-for-me act is killing everyone else. Fortunately, Williams is considering quitting live performances, moaning: “There might not be a proper album out this year and there definitely won’t be a tour any time soon. Fuck that, the last one nearly killed me.”
Disappointing tens of fans around the world, the singer maintained pretences of importance, saying: “I may put an album out in 2009. Which means you won’t be seeing me on stage for a while. Sorry folks.” Reverting to type, the fat dancer announced: “I’m sure I’ll be back. But right now there’s a soy vanilla latte and mince pie waiting for me.”
THE LATEST Hollywood actress to get arrested for DUI (Driving Under the Influence), Mischa Barton, has turned to God rather than the traditional path of rehab. The former O.C. star was recently arrested after driving in two lanes of traffic and found to be drunk, in possession of marijuana and driving without a valid license.
The actress chose the very public Beverley Hills Good Shepherd Catholic Church to seek forgiveness for her sins – the same place as Paris Hilton and Prison Break star Lane Garrison (now serving time for vehicular manslaughter) chose in attempts to win good publicity. A church watcher said: “Mischa came out of the church looking very pious, wearing a white, virginal dress. She was carrying a church brochure.” Anything to get out of prison time.
KING of Chavs, Mike Skinner, has said that he killed off his record label, The Beats, because the “traditional record label is dead.” Demonstrating a surprisingly forward thinking attitude for someone whose signature tune is the lyrical masterpiece You’re Fit But Don’t You Know It, The Streets “rapper” last month held a mock-funeral for his label, home to The Mitchell Brothers, Example and Professor Green.
He said: “It just comes down to the fact that the traditional record label is dead. “What I’m doing now is looking for the thing you can create that embraces the next generation. I’m really into what you can do online and I’d rather be at the centre of it,” he mused, before jotting down another ever-so-easy-to-relate-to song idea about working class British culture.
FANS of utterly pedestrian soft rock music will no doubt be licking their lips in anticipation of REM’s new ‘heavier than normal’ album. Manager Bertis Downs (seemingly named after a Liquorice Allsort) promises that the latest of the band’s endless churn of albums will have Napalm Death quaking in their boots – as opposed to making fans reach for their slippers and pipes as is usual.
“It’s not like we’re going to pretend these are ballads. These are rockers,” he said, leaning back in his leather chair while making sure his clip-on pony tail was still in place.
Whining frontman Michael Stipe seems equally assured about the Georgia band’s approach to the record, boasting: “I feel like there’s a confidence in the material, and a communication between the three of us that hasn’t been there for some time.” Anyone confident enough to handle the new blistering tempo can look out for the album released on April 4.
THE MUCH anticipated release of a Radiohead remix album, Rainydayz Remixes, has been postponed due to pigtail pulling over copyright issues. The project was a new slant on the group’s seventh album, In Rainbows, created by producer Amplive. It was scheduled for release next week, but was pulled, leaving navel gazing muso connoisseurs crying into their 12 inch limited edition Velvet Underground b-side albums.
The original album’s publishers got the hump, sending a threatening letter to Amplive – perhaps they were worried that it will make more money than the original, which was purchased for free by most ‘fans,’ taking advantage of the band’s wacky idea to allow them to choose their own price. Amplive pleaded to anyone with copies of the remixes to remove them from the public domain.
Meanwhile Amplive is contemplating giving bug eyed warbler Thom Yorke a good old fashioned hummer if it means getting the green light to release the album. Thumbing through a pack of assorted flavoured condoms, he sighed: “I think I need to talk to Radiohead and play them these remixes personally. I know they’ll dig ‘em.”
HUMAN pin cushion Amy Winehouse has agreed to perform at this year’s Grammy Awards in LA on February 10. When not feeding her junk habit, Amy has managed to get herself nominated in six categories, including Record of the Year for Rehab.
A conveniently placed source said: “Her live performances can either be spectacular or car-crash territory but, either way, it’s a gamble organisers are willing to take as she’s such hot property.” The source continued: “She’s planning to do some sort of soul and Motown medley, and is even weighing up the possibility of a duet with some US stars - particularly Kanye West, who has spoken in the past of wanting to work with her.”
WACKY Oxford funsters Foals have revealed they would like nothing better than to make an album with two of the looniest superstars in existence - Madonna or Michael Jackson. The five piece have been impressing anorak indie fans back in the UK with their unique brand of arty pop rock but have sent out a hint that they are gagging for a big name collaboration.
Frontman Yannis Philippakis said he had his hopes on: “Prince or Michael Jackson I guess… Madonna, someone huge.” Meanwhile, ‘sexually different’ Michael Jackson has told reporters that he is desperate to work with the Foals, though retracted the statement when he was told they were not actually baby horses.
WASHED UP gold digging hags, The Spice Girls, will be using their manicured talons to rake in an estimated £10 million extra for gracing us with their presence Down Under. Labotomised Antipodean fans are now storming ticket offices in Australia in the hope that they too might see Geri and co wheezing beneath their corsets to Spice Up Your Life.
A ‘source,’ wearing an ill-fitting Union Jack dress and looking suspiciously like Geri Halliwell, said: “The girls have a massive fan base in Australia and a huge amount of cash is being thrown at them to get them to perform there. “Everyone in OZ has been reading about the show and they want a piece of the action.” Those residing in Sydney, Perth and Brisbane will be lucky enough to see the girls for 12 dates in March.
MAD internet geek Kanye West has declared his love for Jamiroquai. The Chicago rapper this week gushed all over the multiple Ferrari-driving environmentally conscious band on his blog under the heading “Classic Material.”
While Kanye normally just uses his blog to boast about how rich and successful he is, the rapper is obviously feeling the love for Jay Kay at present. This is the first time he has mentioned another musician on his blog since he praised Feist last September. Kanye had refrained from blogging after the death of his mother Donda, but is making up for lost time since the start of the New Year.
PURSED lipped falsetto fruit James Blunt has been arse-licking fellow dull generic popsters Fleetwood Mac. Although James is not usually one to lavish others with praise, he recently took time out from gazing wistfully out of his bedroom window while singing about lost love to shed some light on what can be expected from future live shows.
While fighting to keep his audience awake, James admitted: “I’m really influenced by the music of the Seventies as I think there was an honesty about it, with bands like Fleetwood Mac and Steely Dan.” The excitement is too much to bear.
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