A POLICE chief has caused a storm of controversy by admitting that ecstasy is actually less dangerous than some prescription drugs like aspirin. Richard Brunstom, the chief constable of North Wales, said on Radio 4’s Today show: “Ecstasy is a remarkably safe substance, far safer than aspirin. It is far less dangerous than tobacco or alcohol, both of which are freely available.” Brunstrom also admitted that police could never win the so-called ‘war against drugs.’ Furthermore, he said prohibition only worsened the effect of drugs on society, claiming that illegal drugs like heroin and cocaine could be legalised within ten years. “The prohibition regime does not work. It transfers billions of pounds of our money into the hands of organised criminals. Legalisation and subsequent regulation of prescribed drugs is inevitable,” said Brunstrom. Suspicions were raised when he told the Radio 4 presenter that, even though he just met him, he felt a real connection and suggested they go back to his to smoke a bit of gear and listen to Chilled Ibiza Classics.
FIVE MILLION workers called in sick on January 2 due to extended hangovers, making it the biggest sick day of the year. Bosses labelled the day Black Wednesday as workers couldn’t bring themselves to get out of bed en masse. Women were revealed to be the worst culprits, with one in five admitting they were going to take the day off and probably watch Bridget Jones’ Diary on repeat all day. Ten per cent of those surveyed on the website said they would use the day to don disguises and sneak off to the January sales. The skiving workers weren’t worried about what their bosses would say when they eventually turned up, with only one per cent scared of being disciplined or fired. One in 1000 will also quit their jobs.
OVERCROWDED prisons are contributing to the soaring number of suicides by soft-centred inmates in Britain. Seems like Sky TV, a Playstation 3, 24-hour room service and an en suite bathroom just isn’t enough for some people. Statistics from the Orwellian sounding Ministry of Justice showed that there were 92 self-inflicted deaths among prisoners last year, compared to 67 in 2006. The rise in prison suicides comes as the locked up population of England and Wales reached a record of 80,000. Tories said that the figures provided fresh evidence that overcrowding in jails was out of control under Labour, and that their policy of bringing back hanging for all crimes would solve the problem overnight. Shadow Justice Secretary Nick Herbert said: “Ministers ignored repeated warnings about inadequate prison capacity. They allowed the jails to become ever more overcrowded and these tragic deaths are the inevitable and avoidable consequence.” Juliet Lyon, director of the Prison Reform Trust, claimed: “Far too many people with serious mental health problems are held in custody, which can only make their illness worse.”
FREEZING temperatures will depress Brits during January with “the average temperature for January… close to freezing at best,” according to weathermen. A good time to post those pics of you sunning yourself on Bondi, in other words. Plunging temperatures, ice and sleet will cause road chaos as Britain begins the new year, according to the top weathermen. Heart-warming stuff. Piers Corbyn, from long range forecasters Weather Action, rubbed his crystal ball and said: “The winds are going to make it extremely cold like the conditions we experienced in January 1987 where it was -12C in the south.” Despite the apocalyptic forecasting, Britain actually had its second hottest year on record in 2007, with an average temperature of 10C – the equivalent to one of the coldest days of an Australian winter.
HUMANS were not the first species to laugh - apes were sharing witty anecdotes and one-liners long before we were around, according to boffins with nothing better to do. Speccy virgins at the University of Portsmouth have found that orangutans have a sense of empathy and mimicry, both of which are essential ingredients of humour. Dr Marina Davila Ross found that when one of the orangutans displayed an open, gaping mouth – the equivalent of laughter – the ape’s playmate displayed the same expression less than half a second after, suggesting the mimicry was an involuntary display. The theory that they do indeed have a sophisticated sense of humour was confirmed when none of the apes laughed at a Lenny Henry DVD. One boffin said: “What is clear now is the building blocks of positive emotional contagion and empathy that refer to rapid involuntary facial mimicry in humans evolved prior to humankind.”
DOUBLE child killer Ian Huntley and other warped sex criminals in Wakefield prison have succeeded in forcing jail guards to stop wearing badges that raise cash for a children’s hospital. Holier-than-thou Huntley complained that the emblems were “offensive” and “authoritarian.” You really couldn’t make this up. Some of the inmates even objected to the pins because they blame kids for their incarceration. Staff at the prison are now considering industrial action after bosses ordered them to stop wearing the “offensive” badges. Perhaps they recommended more child-killer friendly badges with slogans like ‘Free the Paedos’ to keep the sensitive inmates happy instead. A source at the prison said: “It is the ultimate disgrace - paedophiles dictating the rules. It is outrageous they should have a say in what guards choose to wear. There is now talk among staff of possible action over this.”
BRITISH oil workers have been sacked after simulating sex an with unfortunate sheep due to be slaughtered for a Muslim festival. The animals were to be killed for 30 foreign workers to celebrate Eid Al Adhha in an Algerian oil town. The two British jokers were accused of “sheep violation” after stunned restaurant workers and guards witnessed the dodgy behaviour. A spokesman for the American company said: “The individuals have been dismissed because their behaviour was totally unacceptable.” Pretending to make love to a sheep is unacceptable it seems but ravaging a poor foreign land of its scant natural resource is, of course, not a problem at all. A police spokesman warned that local Muslims saw the sacrificing of sheep at Eid as “something very sacred.” One ex-pat living in Algeria said that the men were lucky to only be sacked after the romantic incident: “If you relate this to teacher Gillian Gibbons they can thank their lucky stars. “All she did was name a teddy bear Mohammed.”
BRITS are more bored with working than ever, although only a third said they felt fed up most of the day. Psychologists say that people are becoming more tired of their work as technology means workers don’t have to use their brain or skills as much, making the day less challenging. Scores of university students, who have soaked up a lot of useless information in four years of smoking dope and having haughty yet ill-informed political debates at Uni, are now being faced with having to take jobs for which they are overqualified. Dr Sandi Mann, of the University of Central Lancashire says the UK is in the grip of a “Boredom Boom.” She said: “Jobs are becoming more uniform and predictable.” The main offender is unsurprisingly call centres, where the work is the mental equivalent of hard labour in Siberia.
CASH-SPLASHING TDs are almost doubling their money with a generous and largely tax-free package of expenses and allowances which earned one thrifty TD over €100,000. Over the years, the mostly corrupt and crafty politicians have been receiving pay rises to their already hefty basic salaries of over €120,000. The latest proposed pay increases have been postponed as the public finally struck out at the hypocritical ministers. The latest figures have shown that TDs and senators claimed over €10m of taxpayers’ money in expenses alone in the last year – considering Taoiseach Bertie Ahern counts a trip to watch Man United play as an expense, it’s good to know your money is being well invested. The highest claim was from Wexford Fine Gael TD and party chief whip Paul Kehoe who claimed a whopping €104,000 in expenses and allowances. The penny-pinching politician defended the costs: “As party whip and being from Wexford, I find myself in Dublin two to three nights a week. That would inflate my claims.” Claiming petrol and parking costs worth the price of a small house, that’s economic prudence for you.
DOCTORS caring for a premature baby in Dublin have been authorised to give the child a blood transfusion despite the objections of the Jehovah’s Witness parents. At the High Court the judge claimed it would amount to “brinkmanship” and an “abdication of responsibility” if he did not give the order to save the child’s life. The Polish parents of the baby boy, known as Baby B (probably not the real name), are devout followers of the religion and don’t speak a word of English, which really inhibits their door-knocking sessions. Although the baby, born ten weeks prematurely, had been improving, the judge maintained that there was “no doubt that we are dealing with a baby whose condition is grave in the extreme.” The judge said that if the condition of the tot deteriorated, the energies of the hospital staff should be focused on treating him rather than be distracted by the religious beliefs or need for further court action.
BUXOM bimbo Jessica Simpson is set to star in a remake of Grease, much to the joy of golden oldie Michelle Pfeiffer. Presumably, Jess is the only one incompetent enough to make Pfieffer’s performance in Grease 2 look good. Pfeiffer, who has suffered something of a halt in her career for the last decade or so, has been pushing for the casting of Simpson as prom queen Sandy Dumbrowski - Pfeiffer herself wants to play the role of comical Principal McGee. She said: “It’s a great idea, and I hear they would like to get Jessica Simpson for the role of Sandy. She would be good.
“I hated that film (Grease 2) with a vengeance and could not believe how bad it was. At the time, I was young and didn’t know better… I hear it’s a cult movie now.” At least investors in the remake can be optimistic after Simpson managed to make an impressive £200 on the opening weekend for her latest movie Blonde Ambition.
MANEATER Lindsay Lohan was named worst actress of 2007 for her role in I Know Who Killed Me, which she clearly agreed to when she was high. More than half of website AOL’s 3.8 million voters claimed the 21-year-old’s performance was the worst attempt at acting in ‘07. In a successful year for the fiery redhead, her movie Georgia Rule came in a close second in the worst movie stakes to Eddie Murphy’s excuse for a film, Norbit.
The digitally enhanced epic 300 was voted film of the year, with over-the-top cartoon adaptation Transformers coming in second. In other categories, Johnny Depp was voted sexiest hunk for his role in Pirates of the Caribbean and Megan Fox the sexiest woman for her sexy turn in Transformers.
BAG-OF-BONES Keira Knightley has been named the number one beauty icon of 2007. The worrying poll, conducted on 2500 people by Superdrug (presumably hawking their slimming pills), also includes fellow skeletal figures Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham. Curvaceous Kelly Brook saved the top four, proving that men still like breasts after all.
Superdrug Beauty Director Katherine Le Clerc said: “The top ten beauty icons list shows that today there is room for everyone’s idea of true beauty. “From the aloof glamour of Keira Knightley and Victoria Beckham’s high-maintenance gloss to the fresh-faced youthful looks of actress Gemma Atkinson (who came seventh).” The confusing list also included Lily Allen and Jordan in ninth and tenth respectively, while Hollywood airhead Paris Hilton was voted as number one overseas beauty.
GERMAN Goddess Heidi Klum doesn’t want to make it big in the UK – because she loves being anonymous. Although it doesn’t really add up if she keeps giving interviews to British newspapers, the supermodel said: “I don’t wake up and beat my head over not being recognised in the UK. It’s actually rather nice.
“It’s different if I walk down the street with my husband, though. He’s known all over the place in Britain, and the problem is that he’s also really, really tall. When people first see him, they say ‘Oh my he’s huge’.” Yes, tall black men with scars may be quite noticeable.
NUMBER one role model Britney Spears has been giving her little sister an earful for getting pregnant at 16. Britney, who is currently embroiled in a custody ‘battle’ for her children - which involves partying till late and not going to the hearings - has been ranting about Jamie Lynn’s irresponsibility.
Britney told a friend: “I’m really disappointed in her, I told her over and over just to be a kid and let the adult things like sex and drinking and all that wait.” The singer at least accepted that she may not be the perfect agony aunt for her young sister: “I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff and haven’t been a good role model. I warned this girl, I really did. She seemed to take my advice.”
Britney told the friend: “I just can’t believe she’s pregnant. She is way too young to be a mom. She should be having fun and stuff, not having a baby” – or, in Brit’s case, doing both at the same time.
ENVIRONMENTALIST James Blunt plants a tree every time he sells a concert ticket online – so far there are four trees in his garden. The squeaky voiced womaniser, who has been known to plant a few of his own seeds around town, has returned to nature to “do his bit for the environment.” He can start cutting down on the noise pollution by quitting music.
The ‘singer’ said: “When I bought the place it had a garden with an orchard at the side. It’s about the size of a five-a-side football pitch and has apple trees, orange trees, avocados, limes and plums, which I planted myself. “I’m really into growing trees these days, trying to do my bit for the environment. In fact, we plant a tree every time we sell a ticket online.”
DRUG addict and occasional singer Amy Winehouse has been summoned to appear in a Norwegian court after she was arrested and fined in October for drug use. Winehouse, her husband and her hairdresser were all arrested in Bergen and fined €500 for drug use and possession of seven grams of marijuana – the hairdresser probably should have been sentenced for her crimes to Winehouse’s head.
The award winning songstress claimed that she was tricked into signing a confession, presumably because she was too stoned to realise. But Bergen police lawyer Rudolf Christoffersen said: “The three knew what they were signing. They were interrogated by a police officer who speaks fluent English… and they paid the fine on the spot.”
Winehouse’s Norwegian lawyer was not able to be contacted – she must have a lawyer for every country now.
LATINO love machine Enrique Iglesias has reassured the casual sex-infested backpacker world by insisting you don’t need to love someone to have sex with them. The singer believes lust is all you need to get down and dirty in the bedroom – easy to say when you have Anna Kournikova in the bedroom.
He said: “Sex and love are so different that, of course, you don’t have to be in love with a woman to sleep with her but it’s amazing when you get them both together.” Iglesias said he is determined not to emulate his sleazy father who claims to have bedded 3000 women – almost as many as James Blunt.
“I wouldn’t say I’ve learnt anything about women from my father, although I did decide that sleeping with 3,000 women was not the way I wanted to live my life.” That’s our excuse too.
RAPIDLY impoverished Paris Hilton may soon be in the firing line of new buddy Britney after she was spotted cosying up to Brit’s ex-hubby Kevin Federline. The hotel heiress - who has been told she is not receiving 99 per cent of her expected inheritance - and the rat look-alike were partying together in a Las Vegas nightclub. A peeping Tom source said: “Kevin and Paris were having fun. He kept shouting out her name and gave her a kiss on the cheek and then whispered something in her ear. It looked as though they were getting quite friendly.”
Gold-digger K-Fed was enjoying himself with Paris until he decided to grab the microphone and rap to the crowd, a la his hero, Snow. A disgusted source said: “Kevin tried his best, but all he did was spew a loud, heaping load of annoyance. Clubbers were fleeing for the exit once he started.” Dating Britney’s ex seems to be the new trend after Lindsay Lohan recently pissed off the bald bombshell by dating music producer J.R. Rotem.
BRONZED beauty Penelope Cruz is set to shock fans by passionately kissing her own sister Monica in their brother’s debut music video. The sisters play translators asked to interpret a lesbian porn film in their 22-year-old brother Eduardo’s new video for Cosas Que Contra. Perhaps shamelessly thinking that having his sisters’ stripping and dancing provocatively wouldn’t be enough to get publicity, the pair pose suggestively with Eduardo.
They then succumb to the obvious temptation and raunchily snog each other – which is both so wrong and so right at the same time. There was no way going out with Tom Cruise was going to leave Penelope psychologically unscarred.
JUDE LAW was haunted by the ghost of Frank Sinatra in Cuba when celebrating his birthday in the same room as Ol’ Blue Eyes used to stay. Hilariously, the former rat pack member wasn’t hovering over his bed but nicking drinks from the hotel mini-bar.
A source at the hotel said: “He swore he saw Frank crouched at the mini-bar, rummaging through the bottles and snacks.” The mini bar emptied and visions of Frank Sinatra – sounds like there can be no other explanation than a supernatural one.
ROBBIE WILLIAMS is planning a huge comeback in 2008 - sparked by jealousy of the success of former band mates Take That. The singer, who is wallowing in self-pity over his diagnosed mental condition of wallowing in self-pity, is preparing new material set for release in the new year. A source close to the singer, possibly a chef, said: “Things haven’t been going that well for Robbie recently and he’s been having a bit of a break from recording. “His last album Rudebox was panned by critics, which was made worse by the fact Take That are doing so well, without him.
“Robbie has now decided enough is enough and it’s time to reclaim his crown.” Robbie displaying deep-rooted psychological problems that lead him to crave attention and be loved at all times while allowing himself to be troubled unnaturally by the success of others – business as usual then.
STILL-NOT-DEAD Pete Doherty has been accused of stealing something other than heroin after a musician claimed he robbed a tune without crediting him. Wayne Kenyon claims that the song Baddie’s Boogie is based on a song he wrote in 1997 when on tour with rock group The Ferrymen and has taken Doherty to court over it.
Speaking from a working man’s club in some godforsaken town, Kenyon said: “Baddie’s Boogie is a tune I wrote for The Ferrymen. I have footage of me playing it at three gigs in Germany in 1997,” before asking the assembled journalists to tip the waitresses on the way out. Meanwhile Doherty is also facing claims he used lyrics from punk poet Nick Toczeks on the same song without permission. With the combination of class A drugs and a potential law suit on the horizon, unsurprisingly Doherty’s memory is not up to scratch on the matter.
PENNYLESS posh boys Radiohead have been accused of greed by former record label, EMI, after they apparently refused to agree to a £10 million deal. An EMI spokesman said the hard-up band demanded “an extraordinary amount of money” to re-sign with the label – possibly to make up for the catastrophic loss made from allowing people to choose their own price for their last album.
However, the alternative rockers insist that negotiations failed before talks even turned to money. Their slickly named manager Bryce Edge said the decision was made because of EMI’s refusal to hand over the copyright on part of their back catalogue: “We couldn’t move ahead with EMI because (label boss) Guy Hands irrevocably refused to discuss the catalogue in any meaningful way.” One week, saving the planet by giving up touring, the next squabbling over copyright issues - hardly the behaviour you’d expect from the self-anointed guardians of the world’s future.
FAUX Scouse boys The Kooks were on the verge of splitting up after the temporary departure of bassist Max Rafferty. Frontman Luke Pritchard, whose strong Liverpudlian tones belie his middleclass south London upbringing, admitted he was on another planet during the whole affair. “I don’t think any of us knew what planet we were on. No one knew what was going on. If Max had decided to leave or hadn’t come back we’d all have said, ‘Max hasn’t been there and that’s it, we want to go our separate ways’. Definitely.
“When Max first left (through illness) we all thought, ‘Right, we’ll stop it,’ that was the first thing we thought. But at the end of the day it makes you stronger. We’ve been through one of the hardest things that any band goes through, ever.”
MORRISSEY made a £20,000 donation to the Salford Lads Club, the building that was featured on the artwork for the Smiths’ seminal album The Queen Is Dead. The overly-sensitive singer is not used to giving away money, having spent the past decade suing former band members, NME and seemingly any artist that has used the name Smith, but made this generous pledge as part of a £1 million campaign to keep the community centre from closing.
In typical ageing rock star fashion, Morrissey’s manager Merck Mercuriadis said that he does a lot of work for ‘charidee’ but doesn’t like to talk about it, only making it public because it was hoped a high profile donation would help the campaigners reach their target. And because it makes for better publicity than allegedly claiming all immigrants should be sent home, of course.
THE SELF-APPOINTED smartest man in the world Damon Albarn has railed against, well, everything, saving most vitriol for shows such as X-Factor, calling for them to be scrapped.
The Blur and Gorillaz star was the guest presenter on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme and took little time in expressing his world-changing philosophical musings. “It’s creating a mindset that suggests you can get something for nothing and that it’s easy to acquire status and fame. It should be one of the hardest things to do,” perhaps reserved for indie Essex boys with an IQ of over 250.
Imparting his infinite wisdom upon us lucky souls, the modern day Plato decreed that we “get rid of 99% of the media,” perhaps leaving only Radio 4 and The Guardian, which will be filled by Damon’s Thoughts for the Day column. “We need to dismantle very significant parts of our culture and really re-examine them. I suppose you start with the celebrity thing,” the philosopher king magniloquently explained to the great unwashed.
RAP MOGUL Jay-Z has sensationally stepped down as Def Jam Records president only three years after taking the role. He decided to step down in order to concentrate on his music, and not spend days upon end in bed with his lovely new bride Beyonce.
Mr Z, real name Shawn Carter, said: “It’s time for me to take on new challenges. I am pleased to have had the opportunity to build upon the Def Jam legacy, helping to move the company into a new era of artistic success.” Despite promising to retire from music when he took the executive job in 2005, Jay-Z has returned to the charts and plans to release more material once his contract expires in 2008.
KT TUNSTALL wants to write music for the deaf – which gorgeous-yet-musically challenged Jessica Simpson has been doing for years. Tunstall’s brother is profoundly deaf and the Scottish songstress said: “I’ve always wanted to write some music for Daniel, and find out scientifically what would be really pleasing to him. He loves beats. He tells me about these brilliant deaf raves he has been to, where all hearing aids come out and the volume is turned up.”
Daniel, who has a cochlear implant fitted to help him hear pitch, has played drums with Tunstall on stage. The fact that he was playing Ace of Spades during KT’s Suddenly I See didn’t seem to bother her new, largely deaf, fan base.
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