INTERVIEWS with hundreds of imprisoned drug dealers have revealed that the illicit trade is booming in Britain, with Brits being proportionately the biggest users of cocaine in the developed world.
Jealous government officials can only look on envy at the efficiency with which drug dealers operate, with the trade in narcotics now worth £8 billion-a-year.
Based on prison interviews with 222 high-level drug dealers, they told how people were paid £4,500 to deliver a kilogram of heroin in Britain, or about £490 for cannabis. The threat of prison is seen as no more than an “occupational threat” that comes with the job - and even as a chance to make business connections.
However, a recent crackdown on the proceeds of crime has made things more difficult for the crooks: “People who are arrested are losing everything that they have - even the things they acquired through honest means,” moaned one dealer.WE REVEL in others’ misery, a new study has scientifically proven. No matter how wealthy you may be, money is most rewarding if you have relatively poor friends. Although the study doesn’t take into account that the poor friends would be scabbing off their richer pals, it is hard proof that it is not wealth but relative wealth that makes people truly happy.
Scientists in Paris set some men to a task, promising to pay them cash if they succeeded. Brain scans showed that those that succeeded became happy but upon seeing the failed results of their competitors, they became close to ecstatic.
Scientists could have saved a lot of hassle by simply watching a Scotsman’s reaction to the England V Croatia match.
A NEW BBC documentary claims that the rift between Blair and Brown was worse than first suspected, with Prime Minister Brown behaving like Kevin the Teenager but Blair claiming not to be bovvered.
In the revealing documentary, Blair boasts that he could have carried on longer in No10 if he had wanted to and was “not bothered” by the way Mr Brown plotted against him. Ex-Welfare Minister Frank Field said that PM Brown “glared and growled across the table” at Mr Blair, who treated him like “an adolescent son going through a bad patch. There was this extraordinary tension between them.”
For his part, Blair tacitly accepts that he reneged on a deal to hand power over to Brown saying: “You don’t do deals with the job of Prime Minister.” All of a sudden becoming the selfless martyr after sabotaging Brown’s every attempt to gain power for years, Blair said: “There is no point in going into the past in a way that would be unhelpful to him now. I’m not saying there weren’t real problems, but it never bothered me.”
NOT CONTENT with losing public support, the government have gone and lost two computer discs containing the personal details of 25 million people.
The discs were sent from HM Revenue and Customs to the National Audit Office by a junior official, which is the same as trusting a toddler with your weekly savings. The CD holds information such as names, addresses, child benefit, national insurance numbers and bank account details.
The junior officer decided the best option would be to save all the information on two discs and sent it unrecorded through TNT couriers.
Although the courier was sent on 18th October, the officials didn’t tell their supervisors about the lost discs until 8th November as they desperately tried to concoct a feasible excuse. A prankster has placed an ad on Ebay with the discs for sale. Postage costs are advertised as £1 million. The discs are described as having had “one careless owner.”
LAZY BRITS are refusing to actively seek work because they have acne, are too tired, or too fat - amongst other excuses.
Included in the list of excuses that dole spongers have issued is ‘nail disorders’ - presumably from biting them excessively while gambling their benefit cash at the dog track. Over £1.6 billion has gone to 750,000 people who stated some form of depression as their illness. Around 50,000 claimants pocketed £83 million after claiming they couldn’t work because of alcoholism, while 15,600 claimed they couldn’t get a job because of “malaise and fatigue.” Funnily enough they were never too fatigued to sign on.
The absurd claims lend some evidence to the suggestion that the government issued the benefits to get large numbers of people off the unemployment list figures. Further proof comes with the fact that 140 people were given money for coughs and a further 20 for warts (the non-genital kind).
STEREOTYPES about the personalities of eldest, middle and youngest children in the family are spot on, according to new research.
Petter Kristensen of Oslo University looked at the characters of thousands of Norwegian army recruits and found that there is a huge amount of truth in the old clichés. Eldest siblings tend to be conformist, the youngest tend to run off to mummy when their pathetic attention-seeking antics rightly incur beatings from their elders and the middle siblings usually are tortured souls, who disappoint their parents by becoming Emos.
The research showed that this was not biological, but depended on the way the child was reared. “This study provides evidence that the relation between birth order and IQ scores is dependent on the social rank in the family and not birth order as such,” Kristensen explains.
FACEBOOK users are damaging their future careers through the details they post on their profile pages.
Presumably, they’re also damaging their current careers through the mistaken belief that their bosses don’t see them quickly minimising their window every time their door opens. The Information Commissioner’s Office said that up to 71% of 2,000 14 to 21-year-olds questioned replied that they would not want future employers seeing their profiles without deleting material now.
Given how dull most peoples’ sites are the chances of an employer finding anything interesting enough to be remotely contoversial seem slim.
ICO deputy commissioner David Smith said: “The cost to a person’s future can be very high if something undesirable is found by the increasing number of education institutions and employers.”
PUBLIC favourite Heather Mills has called for people to start drinking rats’ milk rather than cows’ milk to help alleviate global warming. The charity worker, who may soon be a charity case if divorce proceedings go badly, said that animals that are farmed for meat and dairy are now one of the greatest threats to the world. Believe it or not, flatulence from livestock is a significant contributor to global warming
As her pets ran into hiding, Mills said: “Why do we not drink rats’ milk, cats’ milk or dogs’ milk?” Farm Africa, a charity that helps African farmers maximise their growth potential to feed their families, unsurprisingly blasted mental Mucca: “We should be doing everything we can to help these farmers, instead of encouraging silly discussions.”
Mills is at least a specialist on the subject - she has been milking Paul McCartney for years.
AN ENTERPRISING priest is charging churchgoers an entrance fee, claiming that the money is needed for “the upkeep of the church.” St. Bartholomew’s church in London was the setting for scenes from Four Weddings and a Funeral.
Reverend Martin Dudley, seeing his chance to cash in, has placed tills at the entrance of the church. God lovers are charged £4 a soul - but bread and wine are included in the price. Whilst bathing in the new church swimming pool, smoking a Cuban and having his favourite choirboys frolic around him, the reverend insisted that the money was strictly for maintenance to the church.
A DEMENTED woman let her boyfriend break her leg with cement slab as part of a sick compensation swindle. The woman placed a concrete slab over her leg and her chivalrous boyfriend jumped on her with all of his weight. The fool-proof plan was to sue the local county council, supposedly for leaving a concrete slab on top of a woman without noticing.
In a further act of evil genius, the crafty couple filmed the whole scene on a mobile phone to show how easy it is to get free money. When the police searched the man’s house for an unrelated offence, they came across the footage which was described as “particularly horrible and nasty and featured images and audio of a leg being broken.”
The boyfriend is facing jail time while the woman unsurprisingly refused to comment.
TWISTED fire starter, Gary Hooley drunkenly torched his own £350,000 house in revenge after his wife demanded a divorce. Hooley was woken up by police the next morning sleeping in the front seat of his van outside the smouldering remains of his house in Barnsley. He told police the fire had nothing to do with him as he tried to explain why his clothes were covered in ash.
The builder had threatened to “knock the house down brick by brick” during a previous row with his wife.
Dealing with a burned down house and lengthy prison term on top of a brutal hangover must have been pleasant. He must have woken with that sinking feeling when you can’t remember what happened the night before - only to see the copper and the remains of his house. Ouch.
IRISH students’ places in top colleges are being stolen by foreigners, with one potential pupil being refused a place because he was not a “non EU” citizen. The justifiably disgruntled Dublin student is suing the Department of Education after they refused him a place for having the temerity to be Irish in Ireland. The intake of foreign students into Irish universities represents big business for colleges. International students can pay up to €42,000 a year for prestigious courses such as Law and Medicine.
A higher education authority spokesman said that encouraging overseas students “to look at Ireland as a destination for learning remains a key priority,” while cackling manically and counting his ill-gotten gains.
Around 12,000 foreign students study in Ireland a year, which is the same number of Irish people who move to Bondi each day. The Irish students that have missed out as a result of this influx are forced to go as far as Poland and The Czech Republic in order to get their degrees, before emigrating back to Ireland to steal Irish graduates’ jobs.
REBELLIOUS pigs failed to disrupt the World Rally Championship in Ireland, despite a massive invasion of the race track.
A livestock lorry overturned on the final stages of the event, which is watched by 45 million people worldwide. In an incident far more entertaining than the race itself, 160 porkers scattered across the road as Department of Agriculture officials and Gardai chased the pigs to make sure the drivers didn’t make sausage meat out of them.
A Garda spokesman said: “All the pigs have been corralled. There were two fatalities among them, but the rest are ok.” Well, until they end up on our breakfast plates, of course.
RATS were found running around a Health Centre in Galway – probably receiving better care than the human occupants. The discovery of two live rats in Oranmore Health Centre is the latest disaster to strike the Irish health system.
The rampant rodents were found by a young mother and her daughter and were quickly recognised as non paying residents. You know the saying about rats and sinking ships.
RED-EYED politician Emmet Stagg wants cannabis legalised in Ireland - if only he could get the motivation to do something about it. Stagg, who is incredibly Labour’s chief whip despite his inability to get out of bed before 1pm, has urged party members to support a motion calling for the “decriminalisation, regulation and taxation of supply of marijuana.”
Presumably this means rather than the local dealer receiving your money, the government will tax the green gold as heavily as they have tobacco. Stagg’s comments come as Labour try to appear tough on crime and drugs in particular. The minister insisted that his proposal was not meant to make marijuana easier to buy, but rather that it advocated “control of both use and supply.”
Typical of procrastinating puffers, Labour failed to make a decision on the policy and sent it back for further debate along with the argument about who was better between the Beatles and the Stones.
A HARD working Dublin boy celebrated his 25th criminal conviction with a trip to court after being caught in possession of cannabis. Racking up a record crime sheet, the clearly inept 17-year-old criminal had only two weeks earlier been given a two-year suspended sentence for various joy-riding offences, amongst many other crimes.
Perhaps the boy should try a new career as a taxi driver where it’s a job requirement to drive like a maniac and rip people off.
DISGRACEFULLY, alcoholic Irish adults could only finish third in the latest EU heavy drinking polls. In a bigger shock than England’s failure to qualify for Euro ‘08, the average Irish adult consumes only 10.6 litres of pure alcohol every year, though this does not include St Paddy’s Day, Christmas Day or months with the letter R in them.
Surprisingly, Britain doesn’t top the list either. The sneaky devils from Luxembourg and Hungary that managed higher consumption rates. Beer is the most popular drink in Ireland with a 50 per cent market share, while wine and spirits are on 21 and 19 per cent respectively.
PRIMROSE HILL snob Kate Moss turned up to pal Davina Taylor’s birthday party dressed as a chav.
Poking fun at the scrawny, dirty, thieving underclass – embodied by her ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty – Kate donned her cheapest clothing to attend the ex-Hollyoaks actress’ birthday. When informed that two-seasons old Gucci was not typical lower class clothing, she swapped it for fake Burberry and Elizabeth Arden jewellery. Kate really got into her role, soon picking a fight with her nemesis Sienna Miller over her relationship with Rhys Ifans.
The scrawny coke-fiend was overheard threatening Miller: “Treat him right and we’ll leave you alone. But don’t hurt him because we love him.” You don’t want to mess with the Primrose Hill crew.
Sienna will have been grateful to get moral advice from a person who spent years partying with a drug addict while her children were at home calling the nanny ‘mummy.’
HARDENED criminal Lindsay Lohan served a lengthy 84 minutes of her 24-hour jail sentence for drink driving.
The fiery jail-bird handed herself in to the LA jail at 10:30am to serve the remainder of her sentence for DUI, and was released at 11:54am, just in time for a liquid lunch. Quite how she’ll get used to life on the outside having become so institutionalised is a matter of concern for her army of therapists.
Although 84 minutes is not exactly a life sentence, it still beats fellow rally driver Nicole Richie, who spent 82 minutes behind bars in August for the same offence. In proof that celebrities are treated the same as civilians, Lindsays’ sentence was reduced from the mandatory minimum of four days to the average length of a crap movie. Indeed, politicians who wish to be hard on crime could do worse than making felons sit through Freaky Friday.
At this rate, Paris Hilton’s 23 days behind bars is beginning to make her look like Charles Manson.
SIR JIMMY SAVILE had his famous pink glasses nicked from his head by a young lady.
The woman, thought to be in her 20s, ran up to the TV legend and, “wrestled my John Lennon-style glasses off my head and legged it down the corridor.”
Savile was understandably delighted about his first close contact in half a century with a woman who isn’t his dead mother: “I thought it was marvellous because I haven’t been jumped on by a girl for nearly 50 years. If I ever find her I’d like to buy her a box of chocolates.”
A STREAKING stalker obsessed with Girls Aloud was found waiting backstage for the girl group after a show in London. The over-zealous lesbian fan claimed that it was a stunt to celebrate Sarah and Kimberley’s birthday.
Much to the lusty stalker’s disappointment, the girls decided against engaging her in a lengthy lesbian romp, instead having security unceremoniously dump her outside. Although the quintet found the prank funny to begin with, “they started thinking about the serious nature of the situation” and decided to ditch the stitchless fan.
The sex kittens have now hired a former SAS guard each as security.
FIDDY CENT has demanded a bucket of KFC chicken breasts at each venue for his UK tours.
As well as the heart attack-inducing treats, the gangster rapper also wants various jams, French toast, pancakes and waffles served on the finest china and silverware. According to his list of demands: “presentation is VERY important.” Looks like those finishing school fees didn’t go to waste then. The singer, who remains true to his ghetto roots, also insisted that his dressing room had to be kept at a temperature of exactly 22 degrees. West Coast rappers take note – nine bullets may not harm him, but any change in room temperature will bring his bitch ass down.
However, even the Eminem-protégé is overshadowed by environmentally conscious Sheryl Crow in the diva stakes. She demanded a fleet of vehicles, including four buses, six cars and three tractor trailers for her appropriately titled Stop Global Warming College Tour.
AIR-HEADED beauty Jessica Simpson, struggling with single life, has apparently swapped sex for French fries.
The wholesome blonde broke up with John Mayer in the summer and hasn’t been in a relationship since. Proving the mantra that getting over relationships is not about being happy, but rather seeing your ex unhappy, a ‘friend’ of Simpson said: “It hurts her to see her exes moving forward”.
The newly divorced singer has been gorging herself on buffalo wings and French fries late at night - a more than adequate replacement for any man. Luckily, she has turned to her former fitness trainer to help her fit back into her Daisy Duke shorts.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL’S romantic marriage proposal was bluntly knocked back by an unimpressed Reese Witherspoon. The pointy-chinned beauty refused Jake after he had taken her around the most romantic spots in Rome – which is a concern to those men that were planning on a meal at Nandos with a bottle of sangria to do the deed.
According to a friend, Gyllenhaal: “planned a day filled with romantic gestures around the Italian capital before he plucked up the courage.” However: “Reese says it is just too soon after her divorce from Ryan (Philippe) to think about marrying again.”
Witherspoon, who is clearly not looking for too much from a man, was said to want to “take things very slowly because of her two young children.”
MAN-HUNGRY Angelina Jolie has reportedly fallen for her British bodyguard. Not content with the world’s most desirable man, Jolie has given the bodyguard - known only as Billy - the pet name ‘Chisel.’ Presumably because of his toned torso rather than his sculpting abilities.
The bodyguard was, until recently, part of the Special Air Service, and still keeps himself very fit, according to a salivating source. Brad worries that the former SAS man may be forming too close a bond with his wife.
If Jolie is having her body guarded too closely, she will have her hands full in the bedroom after visiting a Covent Garden sex shop with Brad.
The couple were spotted buying deviant goods, while Angie was overheard explaining to Brad why she needed a bodyguard in the dressing room while trying on her full dominatrix outfit.
HEIDI KLUM will soon be playing with her breasts on our TV screens for the new Victoria’s Secret commercial. The ad features a scantily clad Klum fondling and jiggling her ample chest puppies as she sings, dances and yodels before announcing the fairly obvious fact: “I’ve got great knockers!” The remarkable piece of German engineering continues to explain how her nipples become erect when cold.
She then shouts: “You guys have no clue about boobs,” ignoring the fact that it is the majority of men’s specialist subject. Klum recently revealed that the reason for her marriage to Quasimodo-like Seal was because of his sizeable package: “He was wearing bicycle shorts and I pretty much saw everything. The whole package.” And we thought it was because of his dashing good looks.
ETERNAL adolescent Mary-Kate Olsen was rushed to a New York hospital in an emergency that may have something to do with eating nothing but Tic Tacs since she was 11. The 21-year-old actress, who sadly never fulfilled her potential to develop into something voluptuous and feminine due to her pathological phobia of food, was admitted to hospital with a kidney infection.
The former child star has previous, checking into rehab in 2004 for an eating ‘disorder.’ Which in layman’s terms means she was literally starving because of her refusal of any form of sustenance. Olsen earned $40 million with sister Ashley in 2006 and admits that she still has issues with her body and is reluctant to be seen in a bikini: “I would love to be able to swim in the ocean in Malibu. But that is asking for a bikini shot.”
Go on girl, try some food, it really is good, and guys genuinely do like to see some meat on your bones.
SCROOGE-LIKE singer Madonna has cancelled Christmas by refusing to give her children any presents. The grinch is a devout follower of Kabbalah, a mystical offshoot of Judaism, and does not recognise Christmas or Easter as her faith do not believe that Jesus is the son of God. Mrs Madonna, Guy Ritchie, who co-owns three children with her, said: “Once we cancelled it we stopped all the presents, and once we stopped all the presents we started enjoying ourselves more.”
Unluckily for her acquired brood of kids, mad Madge has chosen to spend her wads of cash pushing her religion onto others, spending $2.4 promoting her faith between 2002-2006. With that sort of money thrown around on silly mythical beliefs, who needs Christmas?
MODEL of feminine elegance Britney Spears lost her virginity at the age of 14, according to one of her agents.
Proving that she is not just trying to make up now for a late start, Eric Ervin, who worked with Britney in her early career, said that the virginal image of her early career was a cynical “PR blitz.”
The certifiable singer is also said to have become intimate with Justin’s Trousersnake as soon as they met. Which is somewhat at odds with the wholesome-as-mom’s-apple-pie, butter-wouldn’t-melt image conveyed to the public. It was also been revealed that Brit’s grandmother committed suicide with a shot gun a la Kurt Cobain because she suffered from depression. So it appears that Spears is congenitally crazy.
LIVING monument to the Eighties David Hasselhoff was seen shouting and cursing at his agent at a Beverley Hills restaurant about the state of his career. The Hoff, seemingly unaware that his career is only based on the support of zany students, walked out of the restaurant after the tirade. According to a fellow diner he was ”complaining bitterly about the sort of jobs he has been offered lately.”
Despite dozens of people witnessing the hissy fit, the mulleted actor’s publicist completely denied the claim. Hasselhoff was last seen running in slow motion to the dole office.
THE BITTER divorce battle between Macca and Mucca has escalated yet further, with the former Beatle slashing his divorce offer by £43 million to a paltry £7 million. Although this is far from leaving her without a leg to stand on, McCartney has lost patience after Mills’ TV outbursts against him. Love is all you need.
A source said: “The war between them has just gone to a new level. Paul knows she will go all out to damage his reputation.” Mills has gone as far as calling McCartney’s daughter, Stella “evil” as well as accusing the singer of being physically abusive in past relationships. Sir Paul is convinced that the outbursts have only weakened the vegan’s chances. He is being proved right, with Mills’ legal team dropping her for ignoring their advice to stay quiet to the media.
Mills remains adamant that the sale of ten secret tapes she clandestinely recorded of McCartney will sway the public and courts on her side. McCartney said: “Frankly, it’s prosthetic, I mean, pathetic.” Allegedly.
WHILE explaining how fame and money means nothing to him, James Blunt dropped into an interview how he recently found himself in a pool surrounded by nine naked models. While the squeaky-voiced posh ponce may like to think his captivating charm possessed nine naughty nudes to bathe with him, if he was a realist he would have to accept his bank balance is his only redeeming feature in the eyes of most women. The irksome whiner claimed, somewhat unconvincingly: “I’d like to think any woman I have known has enjoyed being with me.”
The former Army officer also claimed that he has a “good relationship with drugs,” especially little blue bedtime treats we assume. Blunt also persisted with the line that money means nothing to him and that he simply wants to make music. Talk about closing the door after the horse has bolted.
FLAMBOYANT builder’s son Boy George signed a £36,000 writ served to him by a lawyer – thinking it was a mere autograph. Like a scene out of Will and Grace, the solicitor donned a fluorescent jumpsuit and handed the pop star-turned-DJ a piece of paper which turned out to be a Statutory Delegation. By signing it, Georgie Boy proved that he had been served by the writ, which forced him to pay his debts or be declared bankrupt.
The court order demanded that he pay the £36,000 to club promoter Kasia Saleh for pulling out of a concert at the last minute, an action that she blamed for the demise of her business. A spokesman for the diva said: “He was gobsmacked. As soon as we said, ‘You have been served with a statutory declaration’ he went, ‘Oh!’. He could not understand it.”
WACKO Jacko is taking some time off from his tireless work with children to join his family on an unprecedented Jackson Five reunion tour.
The promoter behind the concerts has said that Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and Michael are all confirmed and that Janet is also keen on the reunion.
The Jackson Five disbanded in 1990 and seem to have spent most of their time in courts or plastic surgeries since then.
SMUG personified Simon Cowell has insisted that he is not gay.
Any gay man worth his salt knows that wearing the same shirt daily, tucked into trousers around your chest is not actually fashionable. “If I was, why hide it? It’s not as if the music business would be an odd place for a gay man to work.”
Proving that he is indeed a red-blooded male, scowling Cowell advised that if he was trying to hide his homosexuality he “would be off playing rugby every Saturday.” Putting your hands up other muscled men’s skimpy shorts every weekend should definitely dispel those rumours.
MODERN day Vanilla Ice, Eminem, may never tour again according to good friend 50 Cent.
Fiddy explained that Eminem’s reluctance to tour doesn’t come from fear of unsettled beefs or conditions of his bail, but because he missed his daughter too much – presumably not her mother Kim though. He said: “I’ve toured more than him because he has Hailie, and he likes to physically be at the house. A lot of people don’t know the reason behind him touring less - but Hailie would put boxes in front of the door thinking this would stop him going.”
The homesick daddy missed his daughter so much: “He would fly back [from previous tour dates] on a private plane after the show so he could drive her to school in the morning. So for him tours are exhausting.”
Eminem’s love for his daughter was already well documented, having penned a song called Hailie’s Revenge, which included such cuddly lyrics as: “I’ll choke the shit outchu little muthafuckin bitch! Hailie can whip your muthafuckin ass!”
WALKING warning against plastic surgery, Courtney Love, is considering following Radiohead’s lead by releasing her music on the internet for free. Love has shocked the music world with the revelations that she actually made music which, furthermore, fans were once charged to listen to.
A message on the rent-a-quote’s blog said: “The kamikaze pilot in me wants to do the same damn thing. I’m grateful for Radiohead for making the first move. “I love risk, and almost everything I’ve ever done well has been because everyone said I was crazy to do it.”
Love may try to paint herself as the ultimate crazy devil-may-care rock chick by copying Radiohead and releasing her album for free, but surely giving away something that no one would ever have realistically paid for isn’t exactly Kurt style rebellion.
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