SULLIED statesman Tony Blair earned the scorn of the Chinese media after delivering a “clichéd” after-dinner speech - for a mere £200,000.
The natural born entertainer stopped off in China on the latest leg of his world tour, in which he showcases his hilarious routine, including his trademark earnest look, his overuse of hands to prove his point, and his sincere tearful eyes.
He was expected to come out with all the old favourites, like the “Why I still believe invading Iraq was the right thing to do” and the “NHS is better than ever” sketches. But Chinese papers said that the speech resembled that of a local official and one asked: “Is he worth the money?” Others said that the visit was a “money-raking” exercise, something Tony has been short of since losing the power to grant OBEs.
Part of Blair’s visit was a fact-finding mission, to try to learn lessons from the Chinese Communist Party on how to stay in power and make decisions without pesky problems like a parliament and democratic elections.
A PUB has drawn complaints because its sign, featuring former Poet Laureate John Masefield, bears a striking resemblance to Adolf Hitler. The John Masefield pub has been nicknamed “the Adolf” by locals in Wirral, but the pub chain Wetherspoons – whose owner, incidentally, is a proud supporter of the UK Independence Party – have refused to take the sign down.
Manager Seanie Walsh said: “That is what he looked like so the sign is to stay. Decades later we shouldn’t penalise talented people simply because of how they cut their moustache.” John Masefield is a local hero, having spent time in the Merchant Navy before being made Poet Laureate in 1930. His list of poems include Right Royal, King Cole, and his lesser known work, The Aryan Super Race Will One Day Rule the World.
Since the controversy, the pub has seen profits go down, but has become a bit of a celebrity haunt, with local lass Danielle Lloyd now a regular. Local councillor Steve Niblock said: “If you put John Masefield into Google you get all sorts of pictures of him and it is unfortunate that they chose one which looks like this.”
WORK-SHY foreigner Jose Mourinho attacked a pupil at his daughter’s school, pulling his hair and ears.
Headmistress Isabel Simao said: “I did not see a physical attack, but the child and the parents of other pupils present claim Mourinho pulled the pupil’s hair and ears.” Jose has obviously been missing his childish schoolyard arguments with Rafa Benitez, Arsene Wenger and Alex Ferguson, but at least this latest incident displays a bit more maturity than his normal rants to the press.
Simao continued: “Jose Mourinho himself immediately realised he had overreacted and admitted he was in the wrong. He wrote two letters of apology, one to the school and the other to the parents.”
However, Jose being Jose, he denied the attack and his spokesman even claimed that the incident was: “Normal considering the insults the boy made at length to both Jose Mourinho and his daughter.”
POLICE investigating the tragic murder of British student Meredith Kercher think she was killed by three of her mates after refusing to take part in an orgy.
The Leeds University student, 21, was found with her throat slit in her rented flat in Perugia Italy, where she had been living as an exchange student. Meredith’s American flatmate Amanda Knox, 21, was dramatically arrested by Italian cops and has since broken down and confessed to the crime. Her Italian boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito and a Congolese chef have now also been arrested and held.
Knox has told cops she heard Meredith’s screams – and hinted the student, Surrey, had been asked to join an orgy. Police chief Arturo de Felice said: “All three participated in this crime. The motive was sexual and the victim rebelled.”
A SCHOOLBOY was treated to a kinky lap dance by a stripper in front of his entire class, after his mum mixed-up his birthday surprise.
The 16-year-old, now thought to be the most popular lad in school, was supposed to be getting a birthday visit from a bloke wearing a gorilla suit as an embarrassing gift from him mum. Instead a mix up on the booking form meant that the lad and his mates were treated to the sexy policewoman’s erotic routine. Begging the obvious question, since when were any kind of surprise birthday acts allowed to walk into classrooms?
The stripper put a dogs’ collar on him and spanked him 16 times.
She then stripped down to her knickers and told him to rub cream on her arse, before a spoilsport teacher finally stepped in. One pupil said: “The boy ran out. Everyone was in a state of shock.”
MET chief Sir Ian Blair has magnanimously looked past the fact that he is the only man in Britain who still thinks he should be in a job and vowed to carry on at the UK’s top cop. With the London Assembly passing a motion of no confidence against incompetent Blair, the noose is surely beginning to tighten around his overpaid neck. Blair was expected to stand down after the Met were found guilty over the Jean Charles de Menezes shooting.
But he again insisted he would not be stepping down and insisted upon seeing out his five-year contract until 2010, saying that he still had the support of Londoners, police colleagues and senior politicians – although surprisingly he couldn’t name one of them.
“I have made my position very clear. I am to go on doing the job with which I have been entrusted,” he said.
“The principal charge against me seems to be that I have become the story rather than the success of the Met.”
OVERCOME by a fit of Smirnoff-induced sleaziness, a teenager tried to have sex with a pavement in broad daylight. Scot Steven Marshall, who unsurprisingly was on medication at the time, was seen lying in his own street “pleasuring” himself, before flipping over and getting down and dirty with the ground.
The 18-year-old was apparently on seven forms of medication for arthritis problems when he was spotted making sweet love to cold cement. In his court case Graham Fraser, prosecuting, told how Marshall was spotted with his trousers at his knees: “in the press-up position on the pavement simulating sexual intercourse.” Marshall has been placed on the sex offenders’ register for five years. Somewhat understating the situation he said: “I really regret it.
“I was depressed and had too much to drink.” He went on to reveal that the full extent of his pain over his unrequited love for the pavement, saying that she had a “heart of stone.”
A PERVERTED deviant of a driving instructor hid a twelve inch carrot down his trousers – to reward women who drove well.
Stephen Cooney, 51, has been convicted of four sex attacks on pupils, thanks to his vegetable flashing antics. The weirdo put one pupil’s hand on his groin and tried to convince her that her driving skills had impressed her so much he’d been left with a throbbing member. When he finally came clean and pulled out the carrot the woman is said to have collapsed with shock.
Cooney also offered to write off the £80 owed by a mum in her twenties if she would sleep with him, and often groped an 18-year-old girl’s breasts.
Later police found snaps of his manhood in his Vauxhall Corsa’s glovebox. Amazingly, Cooney tried to blame these on “practice” pictures he’d taken with his digital camera.
THE BUNGLED cash-for-honours probe, which led to a grand total of zero arrests, cost the tax payer nearly £1.4million.
In a somewhat predictable outcome to the whole affair, it has been the British public that has once again suffered for the actions of Tony Blair and his henchmen. In the investigation, which tarred the final stages of Blair’s leadership, Scotland Yard managed to rack-up the massive bill during a 19-month search for answers, which proved about as fruitful as John Prescott’s diet.
Assistant Commissioner John Yates, who led the inquiry, defended his conduct to MPs last month. He told the Public Administration Committee that his team found evidence that suggested there might have been “something there.”
So that’s £1.4 million to suss out that there might have been some dodgy dealings going on in British politics – keep up the good work lads.
IN FURTHER proof that mobile phones have taken over our lives Britons are now sending more than one billion text messages per week. Figures from the Mobile Data Association (MDA) show the numbers are 25 per cent higher than a year ago. Staggeringly, the number of texts sent in the week is the same as the total number of messages sent in 1999.
With arthritis already starting to cripple his thumbs Mike Short, head of the MDA, said: “It has exceeded our forecasts quite significantly.” No sht shrlck.
HARD-UP Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has refused to give up his €38,000 pay rise, saying to hand it back would be a token gesture - well, that was kind of the point Bertie.
Helping maintain his reputation as a man of the people, Ahern has joined the scores of civil servants across Ireland in helping themselves to hefty pay rises. Not quite understanding how increasing your salary by more than the Average Joe earns in a year might leave pesky commoners feeling slightly bitter, Ahern refused to take a leaf out of previous administrations’ books and turn down the extra cash.
The news is sure to aid the image of Fianna Fail, coming just weeks after Tanaiste Brian Cowen announced Ireland was facing a bleaker period for the nation’s finances. Not surprisingly, the party has sunk to a 20 year low in the opinion polls.
Ned O’Keeffe TD said: “It’s a joke. We have a raft of unnecessary junior ministers costing a fortune. We have 23 committee chairs when all we really need are seven. The whole lot are out of touch of what is going on.”
A HOSPITAL has been giving women the all clear from breast cancer, even though they still have the disease – who says the health service is unreliable?
A soon-to-be-ex doctor from the Midlands Regional Hospital in Portlaoise is thought to have misdiagnosed at least seven women when treating them for the deadly disease. Following a review by the HSE, it was found that one of the women had been suffering from the cancer for more than a year, despite being assured by the bumbling quack that she was fine.
The consultant radiologist at the heart of the scandal has also been accused by colleagues of misreading mammograms and diagnosing cancer where there was none. How reassuring.
A VILE hacker posted a message on the Bebo page of a girl fighting for her life in hospital, telling her mates she had died.
Kiara Duncan, from Kentstown, Co Meath, was in critical condition in hospital in Perth, Western Australia, when someone logged onto her page and posted the message. It read: “Kiara fought hard for her life but unfortunately she has passed away. Rest in Peace Princess.”
Within minutes, distraught friends were posting messages of sympathy to the family.
Kiara was part of a group of seven backpackers who were involved in a car crash while travelling in Western Australia.
CANCER conqueror Kylie Minogue is to quit pop music and rough it up as a real life Crocodile Dundee.
The pop princess claims she wants to give up the high life and “go feral,” living in the wilderness of the Aussie bush.
Why anyone would want to give up the glitz and glamour of a night in the Hilton for tent surrounded by crocodiles and snakes, using leaves for toilet paper in the middle of nowhere, is quite baffling.
The miniature minx said: “I’d love to travel - I’d love to have a backpack and just go. I’m genuinely thinking about doing it, with friends. Maybe with William Baker - my creative director. Big Willie and I, I’d be the one happy to go in a tent, he wouldn’t. There can’t be two divas on the round and normally it’s him!
“But that’s what I’d really love to do. In the undergrowth - I’m a real Aussie! I need to go feral.”
“SHY” Angelina Jolie says she’s still terrified about getting her kit off on screen.
How awful that we live in a world where one of the most fanciable women is shy of getting into her birthday suit, whereas Beth Ditto is eager to appear naked. Jolie explained about her new movie Beowulf: “There are certain moments where I felt actually shy – and called home, just to explain that the fun movie that I had done that was digital animation was, in fact, a little different than we expected.”
On playing a gold man-eating lizard, she said: “I didn’t expect ourselves to come out as much. I didn’t expect it to feel as real and so, because of the type of character I play.” Well, as long as you don’t get type-cast into the flesh-eating amphibian character, Angie.
FUTURE rehab attendee Lily Allen has launched another tirade on Victoria Beckham, claiming she’s desperate for fame.
Yes Lily, good thinking. Like the spoiled little child, if Posh is desperate for fame, getting her name in the papers is just what she wants. Probably best to do this as part of a long series of rants that are guaranteed to get you in the paper, thereby opening yourself up to accusations of hypocrisy too.
On seeing Posh in the papers, the motor-mouthed Cockney said: “I think, ‘You’re not promoting anything, you don’t need the money, so all it’s about is being famous’. “And I can never imagine my life being about being famous. I make music, that’s what I’m here for,” said Lily, who has no album coming out soon yet is still in the papers most days.
MODEL citizen Kerry Katona has revealed she is crusading to help addicts give up drugs.
After maybe joining forces with Britney Spears to promote a good motherhood charity, the ex-Atomic Kitten dancer is backing online and Satellite TV resource base Recovery Network. Hopefully, this will show pictures of her before and after discovering cocaine. From a semi-fanciable “singer” in Atomic Kitten – despite the fact that she has admitted she never sung a word – to the messed-up rehab resident who starred in those nauseating Iceland ads.
If her coke-affected nasal whine of “that’s why mums go to Iceland” is not enough to turn people off drugs, then we might as well cut off all funding to drug programmes. The pram-face, whose coke binges led to her thinking Brian McFadden was husband material, said: “I should have said no. But I didn’t. I wasn’t strong enough.” If she can only learn to say no to that third Big Mac too.
ENGLISH rose Keira Knightley has been banned from reading newspapers, as she flies into a diva-like rage whenever she sees one.
The feisty star concedes her mates have taken to removing newspapers from her sight because she can’t handle seeing herself referred to as a moody bastard. The moody bastard said: “I’m a moody bastard, to be honest. I’ve been banned from reading newspapers because the way they’re written angers me so much.
“If I want an opinion, I’ll read the opinion part of the newspaper. I do not want it when I’m trying to get the facts. I get incredibly angry. It really fucks me off. See, I have to calm down about it even now!”
The lovely actress cannot even blame her periods for her mood swings as, at 4st 5lbs, her menstrual cycle has prematurely stopped.
LINDSAY Lohan’s mum seems to have found the perfect way to help her daughter regain some normality in her life – starring in her own reality TV show. With Li-Lo attempting the rocky road to recovery after drug and alcohol addiction, mum Dina obviously thought that reality shows were the best way to keep her daughter sane and balanced. Either that or she is a money-grabbing harlot.
The news that she has asked Lindsay to star in her new reality show has infuriated Lindsay’s new boyfriend, snowboarder Riley Giles. He obviously doesn’t seem too worried about keeping the in-laws happy.
Riley said sarcastically on his MySpace page: “Advice of the week - if you’re a mother with four kids the best thing you can do for them right now is have a reality show We Do Not Want. She had the nerve to ask us to be on it. No thanks!”
Good on him. He may have lost funds for a potential wedding, but at least he has shown some principles – a rare thing in Tinsel Town.
FASHION designer Stella McCartney has found a novel way to take the piss out of evil stepmother Heather Mills - designing a necklace featuring a single leg.
The daughter of British institution Paul was the target of one of Heather’s recent TV rants aimed at gaining sympathy in her divorce battle with the Beatle. Mills said: “She wasn’t interested in her dad’s happiness. Every week she tried to break up my marriage to Paul. She’s done some evil, evil things.”
Doing her best to refute these accusations, Stella got her own back by laughing at Mills’ wooden leg whilst making money out of the £300 silver pendant at the same time. That’ll show her who’s evil.
A source said: “A lot of people thought it was really edgy while others secretly thought it was out of order. It’s such an obvious dig at Heather. It will cause a stir when it goes on sale.”
EVERGREEN George Clooney and male model Fabio Lanzoni got into a scrap in a Los Angeles restaurant.
Eternal ladies’ man Clooney was dining with the latest of his never-ending string of hot young girlfriends, Sarah Larsen.
He then accused Fabio and his friends of taking pictures of them. Fabio claimed they were photographing each other and not the actor. To be fair to Fabio, it is perfectly plausible that he spends evenings photographing and admiring himself.
Defining ‘pot calling the kettle black,’ he then told George: “Stop being a diva.”
One eye witness said: “George looked annoyed when Fabio went to his table. George stood up, dropped the F-bomb and then went to push him. It turned into a shoving match.” Waiters broke it up before it got out of hand, and luckily not a hair was out of place on their pretty little heads.
VOLATILE vixen Amy Winehouse trashed a hotel room with a plate of spag bol as Snoop Dogg looked on in horror.
The bee-hived queen of calamity went scatty just hours before the MTV Europe Music Awards in Germany, losing her temper and causing thousands of pounds worth of damage to her room.
Earlier that day Snoop, who hosted the ceremony, arranged to visit Amy in her hotel room and arrived with his entourage just as she launched her spaghetti throwing fit. A source said: “About 90 minutes before the show, Snoop said he wanted to see Amy. When we got there, she was in a bad way. Everyone, including her management, just stood there as she threw spaghetti on the walls.
“She then started kicking the walls and throwing whatever she could get her hands on - even the tables and chairs. Then she started cutting up the rug. Snoop was just standing there open-mouthed, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.”
BLUBBERED comedy genius Ricky Gervais admits he’s embarrassed by his wealth.
The Office and Extras funny-man has revealed that his estimated £7 million fortune plagues him with guilt.
Gervais said: “I don’t sit back and say, ‘I deserve to earn silly amounts’. Doing so has made me feel guilty. Apart from being able to afford more things, I haven’t changed my habits. “It can all get a bit embarrassing. I didn’t go into the industry because I wanted to be famous.” Though that is generally what happens if you’re successful in showbiz, Ricky.
JENNY from the block may very soon be back begging on the block; Jennifer Lopez’s record label are considering dropping her because she is no longer drawing in the profits. J-Lo, who has seen herself surpassed by younger, more beautiful stars in the hip-pop market, such as Rhianna, Beyonce, Fergie, Missy Elliot and Cher may suffer the ignominy of being out of a career. Why do bad things always happen to good people?
Down-to-Earth Jen, who insists on no more than ten bodyguards to keep fans from making eye contact with her, saw her last album sell only 53,000 copies in the first week of its release. An insider for the label said: “She costs too much money and doesn’t sell enough. Her last album cover alone cost $60,000 in hair and makeup, lighting, photographers, re-touching, etc. The video budget was in the neighbourhood of $300,000. The label is tired of throwing money away.”
If anyone is worthy of a whip-round to keep her on her feet, it’s our Jen. The total stands at four buttons and a starburst.
AXEMAN extraordinaire Jimmy Page has hinted that Led Zep would be up for more reunion shows.
The band’s supposedly one-off gig has had to be postponed because plucker Page broke his finger after falling over in his garden - not exactly a rock ‘n’ roll injury then. The much anticipated reunion - which had every man and his dog clambering for tickets - has been moved from November 26 to December 10 to give Page time to recover, but he’s not ruling out further dates.
“At the moment, I’m told we’re doing one gig. That’s a bit unfortunate for all the people that would have liked to have seen us, but I can understand why some of the other members don’t want to be touring.”
VACUOUS attention-seeker Pete Doherty is back on the gear, after ridiculously allowing himself to be filmed shooting up heroin in his home.
It looks like all the talk of Pete ‘turning the corner’ and beating his drug demons was all complete bollocks as expected. The video, which was posted on the net, shows the world’s most notorious skag baron crouching on the floor of his home the morning after the MTV Europe Music Awards, holding a needle in his mouth. He then prepares a dose of heroin on a spoon and injects himself.
The question has to be asked as to why the hell he would allow himself to be filmed shooting up? This is, after all, a man who only escaped a jail term a few weeks ago because he had cleaned up his act. Is this a man with a serious problem, or merely an attention seeking prick revelling in his anti-establishment fame?
Just a day before the video was shot the Babyshambles man was quoted as saying: “I know it’s a bit sad, but I’m in mourning. I’m in mourning for an armful.”
ENLIGHTENED egotist Sting says he will never try to suppress his “eroticism.”
In news sure to leave middle-aged women gushing, the Police singer reckons being in touch with your sexuality is “as important” as understanding art or politics – perhaps that’s why he was spotted popping into one of the world’s more notorious brothels in Berlin recently?
Sting said: “I think eroticism is incredibly important, at least as important as art and politics. You pay a terrible price if you try to suppress it. You can’t do that, the unconscious always wins.”
HELPING promote tourism in South America, four people were shot dead and nine left injured as a gunman went on the rampage at a Carl Cox gig in Caracas, Venezuela.
Lancashire lad Cox was spinning the decks after headlining the Red Noise event at the La Rinconada Terrace venue when, ten minutes into his set, a gunman opened fire in the audience. It’s thought the shootings are gang-related and video footage of the incident has begun circulating the internet.
Being from Oldham you’d assume Cox would be used to such antics at gigs.
He released a statement saying: “My condolences go out to victims that were caught up in this horrific act. I am informed that it was gang-related, and feel so sad that anybody would act in such a manner when the event was full of 7000 people having fun.”
WALKING advert for drug control, Ozzy Osbourne, has hit out at an American Sheriff after an elaborate police sting in which hundreds of wanted criminals were invited to a fake Black Sabbath party.
Sheriff Paul Laney invited 500 people with outstanding warrants to a nightclub in North Dakota ahead of Ozzy’s gig, an idea that he no doubt nicked from Saved by the Bell or some other formulaic American sitcom.
Osbourne was furious, however, believing that it painted his fans to be drug-taking devil-worshippers who would think nothing of ripping a bat’s head off. Which is, of course, the sole preserve of Ozzy himself.
Looking dazed and confused and forgetting where he was, Ozzy said: “It is insulting to me and to my audience and it shows how lazy this particular sheriff is when it comes to doing his job.”
The sheriff released a statement saying: “We meant no disrespect toward Mr Osbourne or his show. What we did was a very creative law enforcement technique.”
MEATLOAF walked off stage halfway through a performance in Newcastle, promising that he was quitting music.
The standard-bearer for loud-mouthed obnoxious Americans was halfway through a set when he told the audience he could no longer continue. The last time he suffered such an obvious breakdown on stage was trying a battle of wits with Mark Lamarr on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
He was starting the opening chords of Paradise by the Dashboard Light when he came to an abrupt halt, making the heaven-sent promise that: “I can no longer continue. This is the last show I may ever do in my life. This is my last ever gig, this is my last ever song. Thanks for 30 years, I can’t do this anymore.”
According to one fan: “He kept having emotional talks during the gig and telling stories about his children and slurring his words. He was saying things that had nothing to do with the gig.”
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