.: Cath’s Blog:.

I was working all day…which was ok, except it was beautiful again outside and I just wanted to go for a long walk and enjoy the sunshine.

In the evening I headed down to the Dendy to see No Reservations and to see my friend Jose.

I enjoyed it more than I thought I would…Catherine Zeta Jones played a Chef in a top Manhattan restaurant who has no life, until her sister is killed in a car accident leaving her to look after her niece. Her boss brings in a Chef to help in the kitchen (Aaron Eckhart) who she basically falls for.

I had the whole day off, so I took myself down to the Southland Mall for a couple of hours then in the evening I went round to Kimmy’s. It always makes me feel better seeing her.

A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD boy was told he was not allowed to catch a flight home from the US - because he was a terrorist suspect.
Javaid Iqbal, from Blackburn, was on holiday with his mum in Florida as a treat for passing his school exams.
But US officials cancelled their flights home because he shares his name with a suspected Pakistani terrorist.
Perhaps the nipper planned his international terror plot between eating his Rice Krispies and doing his Maths homework.
The family were questioned flying out from Manchester and on arrival at Orlando International.
As they flew back via Philadelphia, a computer flagged up the lad’s name and airport officials cancelled their US Airways tickets.
Wondering why they didn’t just call him Steve, Javaid’s mum Naushaba Nadeem, said: “I started crying. I understand and agree security checks are important but he is only seven-and-a-half-years-old.”

NAZI board games rewarding German kids for blowing up British targets have been discovered.
While UK kids were entertaining themselves with a game of footy or marbles, German tots were planning their next strategic assault on London.
Games based on snakes and ladders and battleships were also given the Nazi twist.
The games are to go under auction in the UK, with the National Front favourites in the bidding race. Historian Richard Westwood-Brookes said: “It’s hardly Monopoly is it? I can’t see Mattel producing a Dambusters game.
“It’s most unlikely any other examples exist. They are testament to Hitler’s total domination of propaganda.”

A KINKY koala bear from Scotland is in high demand after being dubbed the horniest bear on the planet.
Five-year-old Chumbee is renowned for being a bit of a lothario and is now being hired by zoos around the world to try and teach their frigid bears how to shag. Apparently his secret is a haggis supper and a few drams of whiskey before getting down to business.
Managers at Vienna’s Schoenbrunn zoo had fears their own male koala would never pop his cherry but Chumbee, on loan from Edinburgh zoo, succeeded where erotic koala porn, aphrodisiac foods and even Barry White albums had all failed – turning the bear into an orgy loving sex machine.
Zoo manager Helmut Pechlaner said: “Chumbee hasn’t stopped since he got here, it has been almost non stop sex in the koala enclosure ever since, and now even our own male is joining in.” Chumbee and his new mate were last seen high fiving while spit roasting a female koala.

A TEENAGE assassin on a BMX gunned down a kid of just 11 in Liverpool last week.
It truly is a tragedy and a sad indictment of the horrible cracks that are appearing in British society. Six teenagers have been slain by guns in London since February.
The youngster, Reece Jones, collapsed in a pool of blood after being shot by the hit man - who disguised himself with a hoodie. Two teenagers aged 14 and 18 have been questioned over the heart-breaking murder. The lad had been standing outside the Fir Tree pub in the Croxteth area of the city after walking home from football training.
A witness who was stood outside the pub having a cigarette said: “I saw a teenager on a bicycle pull up - he was 20 yards from me. I heard a bang and thought it was a firework. “Then, as we looked round, he fired two more shots at his victim. He held both hands on the gun. He never flinched.”
With kids gunning each other down in the street it looks like Britain’s transformation into America is continuing apace.

FORMER funnyman Billy Connolly is to star in Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh’s new film, as a madman who loves getting pissed on whiskey.
We’re guessing he won’t need to employ too much method acting to master that role.
Irvine is famed for writing gritty, darkly humorous novels about working class life in his native Scotland and apparently saw Connolly as a perfect character for his first venture into directing.
Instead of using one of his own books for the film, Irvine will be adapting a novel by countryman Alan Warner – quite possibly making this the most Scottish film ever made.

A MORBIDLY obese woman had to be lifted from her home by crane after falling in her bedroom.
Firemen had to use specialist lifting gear to winch the 26st heifer, who had suffered several fractures when she tripped and fell arse over tit at home. You would have thought that the lard would’ve provided better shock absorption.
Paramedics struggled for two hours to carry the bovine creature, before finally giving up giving up and calling in the fire brigade.
The fire crew strapped her to a stretcher and used the crane to haul her through an upstairs window – which we’re sure wasn’t embarrassing for her at all.
Five firemen struggled to winch her to safety from her home in Southport.
Wondering when Dawn French had moved to town, a passer-by said: “I was shocked as I’d never seen anything like it before. It was like some kind of military operation. There was a fire engine and a crowd outside. It was a bizarre spectacle.”

A ROBBER who left a bookies’ staff all shook up after sticking them up with a vibrator has been jailed.
Kinky Nicki Jex, hid his girlfriends Rampant Rabbit in a carrier bag and pretended it was a gun when he robbed a Ladbrokes shop in Leicester. Apparently he did it just for the buzz. A member of staff handed over more than £600 in cash when he pointed it at her – perhaps in a trade off for half-an-hour alone with the ‘weapon.’
Jex, has been sentenced to five years for the robbery, which was captured by the shop’s CCTV.
Prosecutor Tim Palmer said: “The defendant pointed the item in the carrier bag at the cashier. She immediately assumed it to be a firearm.
“In fact, what was contained within the carrier bag was the defendant’s girlfriend’s vibrator.” Thinking of some the things your boyfriend could steal your vibrator for, robbery’s not actually that bad.

TAKING pet loving to the next level, an Aussie woman has been shagged to death by her pet camel.
The woman was found dead at the family’s sheep and cattle ranch in Queensland after the camel decided it fancied a bit of how’s your father.
The bestiality fan had been given the camel as a 60th birthday present this year and although it was just 10-months-old it already weighed 152kg - and had come close to suffocating the family’s pet goat on a number of occasions.
On this occasion though the horny beast turned its attentions to its owner, knocking her over and quite literally humping her to death.
“I’d say it’s probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing,” said Queensland police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory trying to keep a straight face.

A HARD-AS-NAILS prisoner who needed a lifesaving operation refused to go to hospital… without his teddy bear.
Barry Piper is known at Wakefield high security jail as a 24-carot psychopath, but with a van waiting to rush him off to hospital he demanded guards bring him his favourite cuddly toy.
An insider at the jail said: “There was an uneasy stand-off and at first the prison officers thought he was joking.
“He was seriously ill and he had to go in for a major operation. But he was not going to leave without his teddy bear.
“He’s been in and out of jail and is a bit of a hard man, so you can imagine the reaction when he asked for his teddy.But he’s in a bad way so perhaps he thought he was going to meet his maker and didn’t want to go alone.”

A DWARF had to be rushed to hospital after gluing his bell-end to a Hoover.
Circus performer Dan Blacker was practicing his act, which involves towing a vacuum cleaner with his dick, when the incident happened.
Is it just us or aren’t circuses supposed to be family shows?
The tiny performer, who clearly is not in proportion, had noticed the suction pipe on his prized vacuum was split meaning he couldn’t get a tight enough grip on his manhood.
With no concept that mixing powerful adhesives and sensitive genitalia might be a bad idea, Blacker decided to fix the crack with glue. But he misread the instructions and left the glue to set for just 20 seconds instead of 20 minutes before ramming his member back inside.
Dopey Dan said: “It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. When I was wheeled into a packed A&E with a Hoover attached to my willy I just wished the ground could swallow me up.”

WOMEN have been told to stop getting their baps out in a city centre park.
Topless beauties have been engulfing the park in Peterborough but police have ordered them to cover up.
The park is right next to a kids’ play area, which has caused a massive increase in middle-aged dads wanting to spend some ‘quality time’ with their sprogs down on the swings.
A Peterborough council spokesman, suspected to be a boring bastard, said: “It may be okay abroad but it can offend park users.”

DON’T bother booking your plane ticket home just yet, Britain is on the brink of anarchy after a spate of yob violence.
Apparently the end is nigh for good old Blighty after a string of violent incidents, probably caused by cider drinking teenage chavs.
Over one weekend a mob besieged a police station, a man and a teenage boy were murdered in separate incidents and paramedics were attacked as they tended a father and son in need of help.
Sounds like a typical night out in Hackney to us.
Only slightly blowing things out of proportion Norman Brennan, director of the Victims of Crime Trust said: “Violent crime has reached epidemic proportions. We are experiencing anarchy on the streets of Britain. There is no other way to describe it.
“If the Government doesn’t get a grip soon, I predict outbreaks of civil disorder within three to five years.” Within three to five years? Where has he been living for the last fifty?

TWO of Ireland’s leading charities have had their arses spanked after it was revealed they are paying their senior managers ‘fat cat’ salaries.
Clearly the starving people of Africa will be more than happy to know the cash raised for them is being spent making sure that jumped-up bosses can afford the latest soft-top BMW, as opposed to say, saving their dying children.
Supposed do-gooders Goal and Concern have come under-fire following claims that not all the money raised is making it to countries blighted by famine.
Some staff at Concern are on annual salaries of more than €90,000, whilst Chief Executive Tom Arnold rakes in just under €140,000 – but of course it’s not about the money for these people.
Being hand fed grapes by his scantily clad servants whilst relaxing in his luxury mansion Arnold said: “We have to pay the market rate to get top quality people. We need top people and if we weren’t paying the going rate we wouldn’t get them.”

A JAMES BOND wannabe, who was part of the British Army’s spy network along Ireland’s Border with the Republic, is to sue the Queen.
The man uses the pseudonym Sam Rosenfeld - although you’d have thought he would have come up with a better name than that - and has instructed solicitors to issue a writ against Queen Elizabeth II in the Dublin High Court.
The former spy says he has had to flee London after facing intimidation from British Army personnel and being hounded by reporters asking about connections with an anti-terrorist search for chemical bombs.
Preparing himself for an impending beating from Prince Philip, Rosenfeld said: “Ireland is one place where the Ministry of Defence’s secretive gagging orders will hold no sway with the Courts and that is why I have instructed solicitors there to begin an action for harassment and defamation in the Dublin High Court.”

DIRTY DOG Matt Damon has lined up his latest movie roll – turning the Bourne trilogy into a porn series…. And we thought a Hollywood actor with enough cash to make Richard Branson look like a relative pauper would be getting enough action without having to get his tackle out on screen.
Dispelling any myths that he is the most boring man ever to grace tinsel town, smut smitten Damon, who plays former CIA assassin Jason Bourne in the hit series, wants to turn the action franchise X-rated.
Asked about the prospect of the Bourne films being made into a musical, Damon quipped: “Bourne the musical. That was my suggestion. I think you have to kind of change the genre.
“It’s either got to be porn or a musical to re-ignite the franchise.”
He then launched into spoof song from the proposed musical, singing: “They’re chasing me, they’re chasing me holy fucking shit.” The porn was definitely a better idea.

KANYE WEST attracted scorn from the hip-hop community by commenting that homophobia in rap is, you know, a bit wrong.
Seemingly unaware that his comments would be heard by budding young hip-hop fans that were easily influenced, Kanye spoke out against the prevailing wisdom among the community that homosexuality is evil.
Speaking about the reaction to his comments, Kanye said: “Speaking out against hip-hop homophobia, some people were like ‘Oh, Kanye must be gay! Look at the way he’s dressing! And why would he speak about it? He’s a gay rapper.’” But, he cattily continued: “I wouldn’t have spoke on that if I was gay or if I was in the closet.”

OFF-THE-RAILS Lindsay Lohan is desperate to resurrect her pop career, because nobody is offering her any movie roles.
We imagine it would be quite hard to film an entire movie from the inside of a cell at San Quentin prison so you can kind of see where the producers are coming from.
Attention-seeking rehab-regular Li Lo has told executives at Universal Music to get her back in the studio to make a new album as she tries to salvage her train wreck of a career.
A source said: “It would be easy for her to release another album. And, God knows, she already has name recognition.”
The only question is, how long will it take her to fuck this one up? Hilariously, Lindsay’s lawyers told her that she couldn’t sue the makers of a porn flick called Lindsay Hohand – because her reputation was already so bad that she has no reputation left to defame.

JESSICA BIEL has revealed she will be getting her kit off in her latest movie role.
We’ve heard of celebs signing contracts saying they won’t get their gear off for flicks, but game Jess has reportedly signed off, in very specific detail, on exactly how naked she’s willing to get for her latest effort Powder Blue.
Apparently we will be treated to shots of the sex symbol’s tits, including front and side nipple shots, and her arse, although we will only be allowed a side view of this.
A source said: “Jessica signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see - including shots of her breasts and butt.”
Biel has confessed she’s worried about her dad and brother seeing her naked on the big screen.
She said: “I definitely worry about how my family would react. You can’t help thinking about your dad or brother seeing something.”

AMY WINEHOUSE really does have an addictive personality - an ex-lover claims that she is as mad for hanky-panky as she is for heroin.
Brilliantly named minder Johnny Headlock, now minder of drug-fiend Pete Doherty, had a fling with the smack loving soul singer a few years’ ago.
Headlock said: “Amy needs help. She’s got serious drug problems and, from my experience, is addicted to sex too. She wanted to play me some of her new songs on a rickety old guitar. They sounded OK but I was off my head and was like, ‘Yeah, they’re sweet, whatever’.
“I was like ‘fuck that man, let’s shag.’ I went upstairs and finally she got the hint and came to bed. She wanted me to strip for her.
“Before she took her clothes off I was praying her tits looked as great in the flesh as I imagined they would. And they really were spot on.”

BRITNEY SPEARS looks to be in grave danger of losing custody of her children after her deadbeat ex-husband Kevin Federline – backed by none other than Brit’s estranged mother - compiled a dossier of her bizarre and boozy behaviour.
The dossier, which K-Fed probably ‘compiled’ by buying a few high street gossip mags, details Britney’s catalogue of crazy antics. It says it all about how insane Britney’s behaviour has been when a court thinks that two kids’ best chance in life is to be raised by ridiculous rap-wannabe K-Fed. God help them, they will be in therapy or rehab by the time they’re teenagers.
The dossier includes details of an alleged lesbian romp with a dancer, who will testify that she and Brit enjoyed a steamy session together.
The source said: “Kevin’s priority is his kids. He’s desperate for them not to be hanging around a boozy lesbian.” Clearly they would be much better off with a boozy heterosexual such as himself.

TRAGIC trollop Jordan will do anything for a few more inches.
Column inches that is. The haggard glamour model has sacrificed what little dignity she has left to make the papers. Jordan has decided to kindly share that she would consider shitting on hubby Peter Andre and that he shaves his arsehole.
Apologies, but it’s like a horror film that’s so gruesome you are transfixed by it. Classy broad Jordan said: “I have a wee on the toilet in front of him, but I’d never have a poo in front of Pete, unless it was a sexual act! We pretend to be other people in bed to spice it up.
“Pete even shaves his arsehole. Well, doesn’t shave it, but uses Veet to make it go bald.
“But we have to plan sex really carefully. With kids it’s always hard as one of them could walk in, and then you’re like, ‘Arggh!’“
Sure, that could really fuck them up – unlike their dad waxing his arsehole in front of them, or their mum flashing her tits and spreading her legs all over the newspapers.

SLUTTY socialite Paris Hilton has been offered more than £300,000 to appear in Celebrity Big Brother and is likely to accept the offer, according to The Sun.
Will prudish Paris be bold enough to bonk on screen? Are bookies bold enough to take bets on it? Apparently Paris is keen to raise her profile in the UK, although it seems pretty high already to us.
A Big Bro source said: “We told Paris, ‘Name your price.’ We’re in firm talks, and it would be a fantastic coup to get her.”
An insider said Paris is aiming to show she is more than an “heirhead socialite.”
“She wants people to see that she’s not a bimbo or a wildchild. The only time anyone hears about her is when she’s been up to no good - or saying something ridiculous.”
We look forward to Paris’ well considered opinions on terrorism, global warming and her rapier like wit then.

THE EVER-GROWING Brangelina clan will soon have another addition with the Uber couple planning to have a second sprog of their own.
So far the tribe consists of their 14-month-old biological daughter, Shiloh, and three adopted children, six-year-old Cambodian boy Maddox, Vietnamese son Pax Thien, three, and two-year-old Ethiopian girl Zahara.
Now the couple say they want to have another biological rugrat – which translated into real terms means Angelina wants another kid and Brad doesn’t really get a say in the matter. The couple have even been eating fertility boosting beans in a bid to get preggers.
A source close to the couple said: “They’ve decided the time is right to try for another baby. Brad is crossing his fingers that it will be a boy.”
If that’s not enough the couple are also thinking about adopting another child from Ethiopia, because they want Zahara to feel more secure by having a black brother or sister. Unlucky Brad.

POP minx Kylie Minogue is quitting the music business to concentrate all her efforts into turning on/off fella Olivier Martinez into a semi-decent human.
The Aussie hottie recently got back with the French slim bag, who was accused of cheating on her when she was recovering from cancer.
The pair split on February but decided it was all back on again in July with Kylie keen to tie the knot soon
She is planning a farewell tour for fans before finally squeezing Martinez under her precious little thumb for good.
A friend said: “She’s given most of her life to her career and now wants to concentrate on herself.
“She wants to see if she and Olivier can get back together and maybe even start a family.”

RAZORLIGHT frontman Johnny Borrell has fuelled rumours that the band are kaput by announcing a string of solo dates.
The group have been on the rocks since Borrell had a lovers’ tiff with bandmate Andy Burrows – quite possibly over who was the biggest self-obsessed egotist.
Borrell performed solo in Japan earlier this year when he was supporting his then girlfriend Kirsten Dunst’s Spider-Man 3 flick. Thankfully for men everywhere she has now dumped the scruffy, scrawny former smack head, who now only gets high on self-importance.

SURE to send George Harrison rolling in his grave, the Wu-Tang Clan are covering a Beatles track – and George’s son is helping them do it.
The rap supergroup will add their bass-heavy sound to While My Guitar Gently Weeps which is renowned as one of Harrison’s masterpieces. Perhaps because it’s only one of about four songs that John and Paul let him use.
Exactly how excited Harrison would be about having his work covered by an eight- piece rap outfit led by a bloke called Rza, we don’t know – although we’re fairly sure he didn’t own too many Wu Tang albums.
Whilst his dad went his entire life without being accused of selling out, it appears to have taken his lad Dhani about five minutes to cash in on his late father’s fame, throwing his support behind the track by joining the band in the studio. We’re sure Dhani busted a tight verse about the pain of growing up in a sleepy country town as the son of a famous multi-millionaire.

ONLY increasing his already massive ego, a new film is to be released showing how fans have had their lives affected by Morrissey over the last 20 years.
No, it’s not just a montage of depressed, spotty, lovelorn teenagers hanging themselves to How Soon is Now?
Instead it’s exactly what a bloke with the head the size of a small planet needs – more hero worship.
Passions Like Mine will chart the lives of several (more than likely very strange) fans showing how the former Smiths front man shaped their lives.
With their staff now devoting their total attention to reminding Morrissey how very important he is, production company Urban Cowgirl said: “The stories will be told through the eyes of the fans themselves. Audiences will be able to see firsthand how obsessed these fans really are and how they became that way.”

RADIOHEAD are set to go all Michael Jackson on us and get down with the kids as part of their latest album.
Don’t worry, it’s not so much pervy as it is pretentious . The group have collaborated with a group of school kids who they, for some bizarre reason, felt could help them with tracks for their new album.
Pretty sad state of affairs when one of the UK’s top groups look to nine-year-olds for inspiration.
Bassist Colin Greenwood and producer Nigel Godrich - now under close watch by child protection groups - invited 30 sprogs from Matrix Music School & Arts Centre to work on new material.
According to Matrixmusicschool.co.uk: “The whole experience was great fun - for parents as well - and we’re looking forward to the release date.”
The album will be out next year and is expected to fly off the shelves at Toys ‘r’ Us

MANIC STREET PREACHERS macho-man Nicky Wire reckons Snow Patrol are Britain’s most hated band.
The Welsh trio were co-headlining last weekends V Festival with the Scottish-based group - but were in no rush to make friends with the rock ‘n’ roll lightweights.
Nicky said: “Snow Patrol is the biggest divide in Britain. They’re probably the biggest band in Britain, but they’re also the most hated. It’s a desperate form of music, the endless repeated lines, over and over, the same drab fucking little thing on and on and on.”

UNLIKELY hero Pete Doherty and his Babyshambles band mates leapt to the aid of a car crash victim as they made their way to the V Festival.
Given that he can barely keep himself alive, you wouldn’t have bet on him on being a lifesaver. The band turned up four hours late for their performance and were forced to change stages due to the hold up.
Still at least this time they has an excuse other than Pete being a total crackhead.
A source said: “They saw the overturned car billowing with smoke in the middle of the carriageway. They stopped and pulled a guy in his fifties from the vehicle. He had hit a concrete block on the side of the road and the car flipped over.”
Clearly wanting to maintain some rock ‘n’ roll credibility Doherty’s first act as he walked on stage was to cover the crowd with booze and he even trashed the drum set as he walked off.

FREAK of nature Michael Jackson is being sued again, this time by a Los Angeles-based law firm who claim the fruit cake owes them over £50,000 in unpaid fees.
You’d think the lad would have paid – after all legal teams have got him out of one or two sticky situations recently.
In fact, Jackson seems not to have been out of the courts this century, with pretty much everyone he has ever met claiming he owes them something.
Now Lavely & Singers, his former entertainment lawyers, want around £55,000, which Jacko agreed to pay them earlier in the year. Looks like he’ll have too cut back on the Jesus juice for a few weeks to cover the costs.

DRUG-CRAZY rapper Method Man is to visit US schools – to tell kids not to take drugs.
Self-proclaimed bad-ass ‘mo-fo’ Method Man has to visit 15 high schools as part of a plea agreement he made over – you guessed it – drugs charges against him.
The former Wu Tang Clan man was arrested in New York earlier this year after an interesting herbal smell was noticed coming from his car.
Cops charged the rapper, real name Clifford Smith (doesn’t sound so tough now does he) with driving under the influence of drugs and drug possession.

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The weather has been really beautiful over the last few days…around 20c, which is pretty comfortable.

Can’t wait for summer to kick in.

I met up with my friend David Summerville (who I had the pleasure of working with on the Carnival Ecstasy) for lunch today. The last time we caught up was in April last year just before I headed out to Doha.

He was spending a few days down from Sydney and was good enough to work with my messy schedule to fit me in. Though I was in a bit of an emotional mess we had fun, catching up on what we had both been up to in the lasy year and talking about old friends. It really makes you miss ships, until you remember all of the bullshit that goes along with it.

David, thanks for lunch, it was great seeing you and we will catch up in September x

Axwell - I Found You

David Guetta - Love Is Gone

Yves Larock - Rise

It was really sad to read all about Tony Wilson’s funeral this morning on the MEN website.

I see there are tons of videos on You Tube about the Haçienda…they brought back fond memories of when I worked there.

It’s hard, at first, to see how a story about a building could also be a story about memory, status, nostalgia, money, madness, despondency, magic, luck, simple greed (and saintly generosity), drugs, youth, life, death and violence. Even music. Not really a story at all then. More like a soap opera.

As far as most people are concerned, the story of a building which became a club before becoming an idea and even a lifestyle, begins in the middle. In a blur if you were lucky. And the end? Well, there isn’t one yet. Because this story is a cultural autopsy with the death certificate lost forever in the post.

The Hacienda is fifteen years old. Five would be an achievement. Ten worth writing home about certainly. But fifteen? Seems to me that having got this far, a 30th birthday will be no surprise.

The idea of opening a club was not a new one. Obviously. Since 1978 Tony Wilson, television presenter and punk rock enthusiast had hosted The Factory at The Russell Club in Hulme Manchester, putting on local names and likely chancers - big national, even international names for spitting kids in ill-fitting jackets.

Tony had a record label also called Factory and Rob Gretton managed a local group called Joy Division who had put some records out on Tony’s Label.

Joy Division, after the truly tragic suicide of their singer Ian Curtis, had by late 1980 become New Order. By this stage, with The Factory gone, Rob was thinking of a different type of club. A place purpose built that you actually owned - not some badly lit basement with Bostik carpets - a place you borrowed temporarily from some thug in a camel coat.

When asked many years later why he had come up with the idea, Rob, typically flip, would claim he wanted somewhere he could go to ‘ogle birds’. In truth it really had more to do with his secret artiness, and the need of a shop to talk shop in. Music may also be a factor.

By the summer of 1981, the things were under way. Factory sleeve designer Peter Saville mentioned his friend Ben Kelly as the man to turn an unassuming interior into a club environment to equal the likes of New York’s Danceteria, Fun House and Paradise Garage - places Rob and Tony, now traveling with the truly international New Order, would enthuse about as ultimate night time spaces.Kelly, later described by Rob as a, ‘Poncy Southern git’, saw the Whitworth Street ex-yacht showroom Factory had secured for the club and jumped at the chance.

Somewhere close to schedule, with the walls still wet and planks on the floor to negotiate areas of unfinished floor, The Hacienda opened on May 21st 1982. This impressive new space was christened with it’s own Factory catalogue number - 51.

The name - The Hacienda - (Mexican for big beautiful house) had come from some swanky Situationist text that Rob had been leafing through. On the 21st it was invite only - the new wave hierarchy were out in force.

Hewan Clark was the DJ. He went on to DJ every single night the club was open for the next four years, a significant fact considering the initial madness of a decision to open seven days a week.Northern irony being no better back then than it is now, slug-like comedian Bernard Manning was hired to slither across the stage and cut the ribbon, as it were, in his broad north Manchester accent. He later disappeared, puzzled and waving his usual fee.The Architectural Review declared the club, “a pioneering interior”. For people who just listened to records and just needed a big space to do it in, your first time at the Hacienda was (is) a crash course in the aesthetics of design which simply takes your breath away. It’s impossible to escape the idea that the club, like the label had, through Ben Kelly, realized a unique vision of how things should be - changing the expectations of UK club-goers used to being treated like dirt, overnight. Kelly recently commented that his inspiration really came, “from the building itself and my arrogance in thinking I knew what a club designed for Factory and New Order should look like”.By the end of the first year some of the dust had settled and the paint had dried. A regular membership of post-punk trendies had now claimed the space as their own - most of them making rather too much of the club’s association with Factory Records. DJ John Tracey, now sharing Hewan’s considerable load during a seven day work week, started playing Gerry Anderson’s Thunderbirds theme so they could all wheel about in circles with their arms stretched out at the end of a night.And the music, as we can see from the members newsletters and play lists of the time settled as a schizophrenic mix of Simple Minds and Willie Hutch; Iggy Pop and Sharon Redd. Obviously things were a long way from Ce Ce Rogers “Someday” and Pacific State at this point.

It cost five pounds 51 to become a member of The Hacienda and for that you would get a pound discount on everything. Which meant you got in free half the time. Drink was alehouse cheap at this stage. Many people came simply to get slotted and found themselves sitting on the floor listening to William Burroughs reading aloud from his mucky books. In the pre-house era; due to Mike Pickering’s knack of booking bands at the point just before they broke big, you could see Frankie Goes To Hollywood or Culture Club for 2.50 (Pickering was then a member of Factory’s Quando Quango - the idea of Djing yet to occur to him).

The straight-laced Local Times sent Robert King to ‘review’ the club in 1983. Interviewing a dead pan Rob Gretton in the Gay Traitor bar he asked what kind of people the club was aiming to attract. “The kind with two arms and two legs”, was the reply he should have seen coming. Robert wrote the conversation in the cu was, ‘a mouth to ear affair’, and dubbed the crowd ‘a hairstyle exhibition’. “There can’t be many clubs where men wear dark overcoats well into June”, he added, concluding: “Go if you’ve not been already. By all means put setting gel in your hair but don’t feel that you have to”.

Television program The Tube visited for a nose in January 1984, bringing an unknown called Madonna with them. Proper dance music from various schools started to make a real mark on nights like Mike Pickering’s long-running Nude which began in 1985. John Tracey’s The End: A No Funk Night died a natural death at the end of 1984. There was a revolution around the corner. By 1986 electro legend Greg Wilson had had a night at the club playing the solidly black percussive New York sound to a set of new faces. For the princely sum of 3.50 you could have seen Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five dressed up like the Glitter Band.

By August 1986 The Hacienda was full with what is quaintly described in its own records as, ‘a band-less disco’. Money was starting to be made too and Paul Mason became Manager of the club, poached from a successful Rock City in Nottingham to keep it that way. Paul remembers his induction during a board meeting Factory-Style where Rob Gretton during a heated discussion with Tony Wilson threw his chips at him. Tony and Rob ended up grappling on the floor. There are, sadly, no pictures.

Then the bomb dropped with no warning that I can remember. Apart from maybe DJ Jon Dasilva’s siren sound effects. People always used to use the phrase Acid House. To me that has never made any sense. In the beginning, as somebody with a deep voice used to say, there was a house. Records with singing in them, almost like gospel with big, pushy rhythms and vaguely spaced dubs. House certainly sounded new back then (obviously we weren’t as clever as we are now in spotting the disco roots of the sound) but it was still polite.Acid was a different sound altogether - menacing, growling, ungrateful and volatile, as its best like a starved dog prowling circles around an unopened can. The Chicago House Party Tour which stopped at the club in March 1987 with Frankie Knuckles, Marshall and the rest of them getting their first taste of gullible limeys paying through their nose for their instinctive magic, showed that house , now a big part of nights like Nude and Wide, was here to stay. But acid sounded like coded radio signals, a kind of dance instruction from another planet. At least until some wayward holiday makers brought us all a present back.According to Shaun and Bez, interviewed some time after the event, and not usually known for being good with dates, some of their mates had been away on holiday in Valencia and Ibiza and had brought back some Ecstasy tablets. People tried them out and they seemed to fit the music perfectly. Many lost their inhibitions overnight - feeling comfortable enough to get on stages and podiums and wave their arms in a state of, well, ecstasy - hearing things in the music that they couldn’t hear before, NME’s Danny Kelly, at the height of Madchester, famously commented that ecstasy had “made the white man dance”.Perhaps someday soon the neat magic of Acid dovetailing into Ecstasy will be revealed as a CIA plot to see what ordinary kids from Harpurhey looked like when they were off their heads. Whatever, a new low rent crowd had started mixing with the converted hairdressers and Factory obsessives of old. It was, at times, a volatile mix.But the drugs turned an often socially confusing crowd into one sweaty nation under the influence of a groove twisted out of a small silver box - the Roland 303. I asked Paul Cons where The Hacienda would have been without house? He replied that a better question would be, ‘Where would house be without ecstasy?’ Things seemed like they couldn’t get any stranger. I imagine Bez with a sinister, Hammer baddie expression as he commented some years later, “The Hacienda didn’t change us - we changed the Hacienda. It all went off under the balcony in the left hand corner.”

But this madness needed a name and a night if it was to really make an impact. Paul Cons installed as part of the management team since 1986, and struck by the fact that you couldn’t breathe in the club on a good night, came up with a Hot concept - water, ice pops, a swimming pool in the middle of the dance floor - a fairly standard in the Balearic Islands at the time, but unusual nonetheless for northern England. Hot didn’t last long - from the summer until Christmas’88 - but is perhaps the best remembered night in the club’s history. Jon Dasilva (who had recently taken Dean’s place alongside Dave Haslam at the Saturday Wide night after Dean had left, fed up with being pestered for house during his famed Latin break) and Mike Pickering sound - tracked the madness.

A Guy Called Gerald and Graham Massey of 808 State would turn up unannounced, banging on the DJ booth door with tapes of deranged 20 minutes acid tracks which were gratefully played in full. Dasilva got himself a rep for using sound effects of thunderstorm and rain to underline the insanity. People threw water about and nobody got upset. Minus the tales of chemical excess, these were the times you might want to tell your grandchildren about.

Paul Cons insisted Hot should end on a high and jacket it in with spirits still hovering ten feet above the ground in anticipation. But there was still Zumbar, a retarded cabaret night with fire-eaters and a Wheel-of-Fortune. DJ Dave Haslam’s Temperance Club continued too; breaking new ground with idiosyncratic and open-minded mix of music from James to Mantronix; James Brown to The Smiths, which had much to do with the wide-trousers revolution called Baggy and the fact that, from the great Happy Mondays down, all Manchester bands began sounding like James Brown’s Funky Drummer played by The Velvet Underground. Manchester and The Hacienda in particular was, as a direct result of all this, an underage tourist attraction.

A scally sub cult called The Baldricks (named after Rowan Atkinson’s comic creation with the daft bowl headed hair cut) were led by little Martin who DJ-ed alongside Pickering at the increasingly frenetic Nude Fridays. Dressed in clothed four sizes too big for them, they got a photo taken around Bernard Sumner’s new Mercedes.

The English Acid phenomenon made the cover of Time and Newsweek. Void, Shiva and Hallucienda nights followed Hot. The portable swimming pool at Hot had made such a splash that Paul Con’s tried a one-off called Wet at Hathersage Road baths not far from the club. A Wet flyer promised, ’synchronized swimming and water dodgems’. On paper all this now looks like gimmicky bollocks with just a hint of exploitation. At the time it was more a case of people just wanting to do stupid things while off their knackers.

It was at this time that, during a London photo shoot lining up the main house offenders for yet another What The Fuck’s Going On? piece, Mike Pickering met Graham Park - one of the very few DJ’s outside London who, like Pickering, had become obsessed. The two got on like an Acid House on fire and phone numbers were exchanged.

A few weeks later Mike called the Scots refugee in Nottingham and asked if he could fill in for him while he was away. Graham jumped at the chance. By the time Mike got back, things had gone so well with Graham playing on Fridays that it was decided that the two would share the night from then on. Graham, like Dasilva, was a superb and inventive mixer who made his mark on the club in no uncertain terms.

Relying on what was written at the time, from 1989 onwards, you might have thought The Hacienda did little more than fend off the attentions of the Police, watch people get stabbed or die from taking ecstasy, close, re-open and close again while struggling to maintain the place dictated by 1988 and all that. But we’re talking about eight years to date. And in that time The Hacienda has hosted the ultra successful Gay night Flesh (all the madness of Hot in high heels), let a former fan called Sasha play a few times (queues around the block and then around again), ripped up a well used dance floor and sold it (10 quid a piece, you planks) let Rolph Harris on stage for a can-you-tell-what-it-is-yet painting class, and allow a proper wedding to take place on stage giving journalists like me the chance to go on about The Hacienda as a church at great and pretentious length.

In a Coals-To-Newcastle sensation the club had even toured America to enthusiastic response from white people who had techno explained to them in a thick north Manchester accents.All of this however, is still overshadowed by the death in July 1989 of teenager Clare Leighton, the unfortunate victim of an extreme reaction to ecstasy. Drugs had helped the club plot its peaks and, during the post ‘88 period, they would shadow it’s worst times.The comparatively innocent and embarrassingly titled Summer Of Love, a kind of blissful narcotic honeymoon, was soon spoiled by greedy dealers and cash-counting drug bosses fighting for control of a drug-taking frenzy on a scale none of them had witnessed before. The Hacienda became the backdrop to a struggle for control and supremacy. During 1990 with Clare Leighton’s tragic death obviously in mind, the police had, under Operation Clubwatch, infiltrated The Hacienda seeming to conclude that the dealers, the problem and the club were one and the same. In May 1990 they informed manager Paul Mason of their intention to oppose an upcoming license renewal. At a hearing on 23 July 1990, having secured the assistance of George Carmen QC, fresh from helping fence-toothed comedian Ken Dodd in a much publicized tax rap, the club was granted six months to sort out the problems - no mean task in anybody’s book.By January 3rd 1991, at the postponed hearing, the magistrates there had been a ‘positive change in direction’ and renewed the club’s license. The management themselves decided to re-introduce the original membership scheme they’d had to try and keep some of the troublemakers out. Within just a few weeks, on January 30th, Tony Wilson announced that the club would close voluntarily after door staff had been threatened with a gun as a result of a refused admission under the new membership scheme. “We are sick of the violence”, he commented. Nerves were understandably frayed. Tony Wilson remembers one strained directors meeting. “I said to Barney (Sumner), ‘I know it’s been one long saga of human hell, but if there was a button you could press and the club would never have existed, you couldn’t press it.’ He replied “Where’s the fucking button?”.The Hacienda took the time out to apply a new Ben Kelly color scheme and install airport style security measures of it’s own like the metal detecting arch still there today. It opened again on May 10th. By this stage though, the long running Saturday with Park and Wainwright, the phenomenal success of Flesh, or even Rolf Harris weren’t news enough for the papers who circled like vultures waiting for stabbings and drug stories. During all of this support came from some strange quarters. One Sun news piece called The Hacienda, ‘The most important venue since the Cavern’. New Order who were never that visible in their financial association with the club wheeled themselves out to talk and have their pictures taken on the hallowed dance floor. “Basically”, said Peter Hook, “This place has got to stay. It’s the only place in Manchester that will let me in with jackboots on”.What with all of this some people forgot about the music - playing forever on like in that song by Sterling Void. And while those that took their cues from The Hacienda (Step Forward, Cream and Hard Times among many, many others) enjoy the ride on a cultural roller-coaster the club almost single handedly created, The Hacienda catches its breath.

I asked Tony Wilson a stupid question: Can it all happen again? He replied: “Of course it can. Somewhere around 1999 to 2001. And it probably won’t have a thing to do with house music”. And of course he’s right. And the music will change (I’m sure you’ll join me in hoping we’re not dining in swimming pools to trip hop come the millennium) but the building will be there for it - heading for a twentieth birthday - still fighting, still breathing, still giving a damn. And Rob Gretton will be perched in his favorite ogling spot (’the upstairs lighting booth’, if you must know) confirmed a bonafide house hero alongside Farley, Marshall, Frankie and the rest of them if you want to start adding it all up.

In September 1998, the company that owned and ran The Haçienda nightclub - Fac 51 - declared half a million pounds of debt and cessation of all club nights at Manchester’s prime venue. A disused warehouse transformed into a birthplace of house music, The Haç represents fifteen years of club anthems, drug culture and DJs and will be sorely missed until it reopens.

History by John McCready, The Face 97

It never did reopen

I have been working at another site lately, which I have to say has been a pleasure, the staff are great and the customers are old and say random things to me, like…

I have a two dollar coin somewhere…ooooh, where is it, they are just too small…I bet a man designed it!

This old dear was having a bit of a wobbler that she couldn’t pick it up and that it would have made sense to have it bigger than the one dollar coin…as it was worth more.

I told her when I got home I was going to google who invented the coin…she was right, it was a man!

Two Dollar - ‘Aboriginal Tribal Elder’

The design on the reverse of the two dollar coin shows an Aboriginal tribal elder against a background of the Southern Cross constellation and native grass tree plants. The two dollar coin was introduced in 1988 to replace the two dollar note issued in 1966.

Coin Design:By Horst Hahne based on the original artwork of Ainslie Roberts
Metal: Aluminium Bronze (92% Copper, 6% Aluminium, 2% Nickel)
Mass: 6.60 grams
Diameter: 20.50 mm

Bless her!

A WEEK long peaceful protest by climate change activist hippies (or unemployed people who’d do anything apart from get a job) could be hijacked by militants who plan to disrupt travellers.
This week is traditionally one of the busiest at airports in Blighty as holidaymakers escape the usual summer torrential rain for a week of binge drinking and promiscuous activity in Shagaluf.
A hippy camp which has been set up near Heathrow is at threat from troublemakers who plan to plant fake suspicious packages, causing misery for millions of passengers – that’s a great way of getting everyone onside and embracing your campaign.
A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police Force said “busloads” of coppers would be transported to the area to deal with any troublemakers.

A WELL-TO-DO barrister who was best man at a wedding pulled out his cock and then beat up a bloke (not with his cock) who complained about his conduct – and who says toffs are soft? Christopher Dunn told the court that he thought whipping his willy out would be “amusing and entertaining,” maybe at the stag do in the presence of a bevy of busty strippers but not at the wedding.
Guest David Baird-Dean was offended by the site of the golfballs-in-the-mouth moron standing there with his trousers and Y fronts at his ankles in the middle of the reception and told Dunn that he should apologise.
Dunn did what he thought was best in his drunken mind and clobbered the poor fella repeatedly leaving him with injuries that were “similar to those from a car crash.”
If you are going to make a tit of yourself at an organised bash, you should do it right, we suppose.

A WOULD-BE burglar shat himself after trying to rob a house guarded by a real life Transformer.
Robots in Disguise fan Michael Clarke (who clearly needs to get a life) built a 7ft model Optimus Prime from wood and it even comes motion sensors which make it speak when people come near.
That was enough to cause the thief, who must have wondered what the hell he had got himself into, to brown his pants and make a run for it.
Michael said: “It wasn’t until after I searched the whole house I realised it must have been Optimus that scared him off.”

A CLOWN who scrimps a living from scaring the shit out of kids (surely you were scared of clowns as a kid too?) has been banned from using balloons by a supermarket as they are “too dangerous.”
Barney Baloney, real name Tony Turner, was told he could only perform his act outside Tesco in Crossgate, Leeds, if he took away the balloon part of his act.
Store officials said the latex could be harmful to children. And you thought it was paedophiles and reckless drivers that were the biggest threat to kids these days.
Poor old Barney also had to scrap a bubble machine from his act as he was refused insurance for it – dangerous things those bubble machines.
“It’s ridiculous. At this rate I’ll have no act left,” said Barney as a huge comedy tear rolled down his cheek.

SHOCKED Radio 2 listeners were left “concerned” (that’s as much as you’ll get from a Radio 2 listener) after presenter Sarah Kennedy slurred her way through her early morning broadcast.
The 57-year-old radio veteran said Princess Diana wore a “pink polka blot” dress, described Phil Spector putting a “gun to his victim’s month” and, brilliantly, offered to send “panties” to troops in Afghanistan.
There’s obviously no way she was still pissed from the night before.
A Radio 2 presenter wouldn’t do that. Instead, her dodgy speech was blamed on a sore throat by radio officials. Of course it was.

AN AUSSIE rancher had to spend seven days stuck up a tree after his horse led him into a crocodile infested swamp.
David George, 53, was out on his horse in Queensland when he fell off. He regained conciseness and managed to scramble back onto his horse bruised and bleeding.
Just as he thought he was out of the shit, his dumbass steed, likely now in a tin of dog food, walked him into “croc territory.”
“I had to get off the horse and fall on the long 8ft high swamp grass to clear a path, when I fell straight into a crocodile nest,” said George. He climbed a tree and sat there for seven days with two crocs waiting for him on the ground, before being rescued.

AN ENGLISH council in one of the UK’s most impoverished areas is shelling out £1.5 million a year to furnish flats for asylum seekers, according to the News of the World.
The rag claims that Rochdale in Lancs is spending £3,000 a flat every year on new beds, carpets, fridge-freezers, cookers and microwaves for the 500 asylum seekers who flock to the area every year.
A contract was given to local firm Lanebottom Industrial Equitable Pioneers Society to fit out the flats.
A whistle-blower at the firm, wearing a KKK costume, said: “We’d furnish about 500 flats a year at least. A minimum of £3,000 was spent on each and it was all good quality stuff.
“I turned up on some jobs and the asylum seekers were waiting for us with a list of what they wanted.
“I was disgusted. It’s one thing giving these people a roof over their head but it’s a different matter when you turn it into a palace for them.”

TOFF kids at a posh public school in Scotland have been condemned for shooting a “chav hunt” video where kids in tweeds round up and attack shell-suit clad neds.
The hilarious video was posted on YouTube and had hundreds of thousands of hits before it was taken down from the site because of complaints. Can no one take a joke these days?
Pupils from the upper-class Glenalmond College near Perth filmed the video where the “chavs” are chased by tweed wearing toffs on horseback. One of the chavs is rounded upon and “beaten” by the toffs.
Despite the whole thing being a send up and a satirical take on modern life, authorities said they were concerned by the video which they found “deeply offensive.”
Without trying to stand up for a bunch of silver spoon fed students, you have to ask would there have been such an outcry if the joke was on the upper class?
Warden of Glenalmond College, Gordon Woods, said: “I strongly disapprove of this video. The film, although clearly intended as satire, is immature and deeply offensive.
“We understand it was made almost two years ago and the pupils involved are no longer at Glenalmond.”

AN ENGLISH earl may now be living like a tramp in an old car in New Zealand with a pet possum according to neighbours.
Residents of the small town of Marton in New Zealand are convinced the man is the 7th Earl of Lucan who disappeared from his stately home in Belgravia, London, after the brutal murder of his children’s nanny.
They say his “upper class” English accent gives the game away despite him living in a shit box old Land Rover with a possum, a cat and a goat named Camilla – well it must get lonely out there.
The old codger was rumbled after a concerned resident of Marton (or an old nosey bitch as some people may describe her) noticed a picture of the Earl had a striking resemblance to the old hobo living in the Land Rover.
Since the revelation the man has been bombarded with journalists looking for a scoop but he denies the allegations and claims he is an ex-photographer who worked for the Ministry of Defence.

BRITAIN’S fattest man was buried last week and at 50 stone it’s understandable that he was buried in Britain’s biggest coffin.
Mark Bamber, who makes Michelle McManus look like Twiggy, was only 38-years-old when he died of a massive heart attack. It’s safe to say he probably wasn’t out for an early morning run when it happened.
The Wigan man was married with a nine year old son.
At the funeral, Mark’s brother Ray, weighing in at a nimble 22 stone, took the opportunity to highlight Britain’s rising obesity rates: “Just look up and down Wigan town centre. Everybody is getting larger and if we can’t fix that then we’ve got to start catering for it, like what they do in America.”
Mark obviously can’t take his mind off catering, even for one short sentence. Is he saying you should be able to get trousers in size XXXXXXL and every restaurant portion should be super-duper fat bastard size? That’ll solve the problem Ray, you should be health minister.

THAMES Valley Police Force officials has been questioned by other forces for putting 16-year-old police cadets on the frontline.
Can you imagine your reaction if a spotty 16-year-old gimp, fresh from eight years of school yard bullying stopped you for being drunk and incapable?
You’d either piss yourself laughing or end up in far more trouble for smacking the insolent little prick.
The force has defended the decision to put the pubescent coppers on the street claiming “if you’re good enough, you’re old enough.”
It’s good to know that in these days of global terrorism we have the finest out patrolling our streets.

TOP Irish band Republic of Loose have quite literally landed themselves in the shit in South Africa, coming under fire for a song encouraging unprotected anal sex.
The band’s single Break has been banned by a major radio satiation following complaints.
Apparently this is a country capable of dealing with the fall out from apartheid, but a song about bum loving? That’s just far too much.
The single made it into the South African Top 40 following widespread airplay - despite the fact the band has never toured or visited South Africa.
The Dublin based group are known for their pervy lyrics and it’s believed the lines “you like it rough, right?” and “I broke/you broke/we broke/ she broke/ Now tell me what you use - nothing” caused a DJ to think the song was “about unprotected anal sex.”
It’s thought that half the country’s deaths each year are down to a massive AIDS crisis – so you can kind of see why they see ‘bagging up’ as a big deal.

GARDAI have caught a woman trying to sneak €200,000 worth of cocaine into Ireland – hidden in noodle packets.
You’ll never open a Pot Noodle in the same way again. Nevermind two-minute noodles these noodles could cost the bungling criminals a few years behind bars.
Alarm bells were set ringing after it was discovered the luggage she brought through Dublin Airport contained 46kgs of noodles, though exactly what flavour these were is yet to be clarified.
The woman had been working as part of a West African drug smuggling operation. Perhaps they also have a side line in the Oriental food trade.
Surprisingly enough Revenue’s customs officers figured out the package contained drugs.
They allowed the luggage through to see who else was involved in the scam and the package was eventually taken to an address in Drogheda, Co Louth.
It is thought the haul had been ‘cleverly’ concealed by slitting open the noodle packets to allow a quarter kilo of cocaine to be slid inside. The packaging was then re-arranged and the boxes re-packed.

BILLIE PIPER is taking her role as a London hooker so seriously she has been taking lessons from a dominatrix…. The teen singer who was snatched from the cradle by Fanta pants Chris Evans is currently shooting the drama Belle De Jour.
Not known for being a method actor, Billie is taking this role so seriously she is being brutally punished on a daily basis by a 16 stone beast who forces her to wear nipple clamps and a gimp mask, even to the canteen.
Director Yann Demange said: “I wanted to show London as a sexy place,” as he forced Billie to savagely spank a camera man with an eight pound arse paddle.
A spokesperson for the show said: “They do have a dominatrix on set to advise. It’s about prostitution and they want to get it right.

MENSA spokesperson Jade Goody has revealed she would love to have a threesome with Victoria and David Beckham – bet the Beckhams have got the bedroom all ready for the night of passion.
Can you imagine Miss Piggy lookalike Jade shagging with the Beckhams? It would look like two eating disorder sufferers wrestling with a pregnant whale.
The 26-year-old ‘celeb’ who’s famous for getting her “kebab” out on Big Brother about 20 years ago said she would dump her current boyfriend for the Beckhams.
Jamming her enormous hole with another slice of meatfeast pizza, Jade said: “I’d dump Jack for David and then have a threesome with Posh and Becks while Jack watched.”
If the unlikely event were ever to take place you can imagine poor little Jack trying to get a glimpse of Victoria’s muff as she is slowly suffocated by a flap of Jade’s fat.

BADASS gangsta rapper Snoop Dogg is to headline one of the world’s biggest porn shows. He will appear at the two day Exotic Erotic Expo in San Francisco along with legendary porn star Tera Patrick. Dogg, who directed his own porno called Doggystyle in 2000 which was pretty good (we’ve heard), will also perform at the adult entertainment extravaganza.

Stoner George Michael seems to have found his true calling in life, working as a gardener at a homeless hostel.
The ‘free the weed’ campaigner is serving 100 hours of community service for driving his car whilst off his tits and has been working alongside drug addicts and alcoholics at the London shelter – so he should fit in quite well then.
Michael spends three hours a day placing plants in pots, and the other 21 looking for pot plants.
Taking a drag of a massive reefer he said: “I’m just like everyone else. If you do something stupid you have to pay the price. I’ve been doing some gardening and it’s great. I’ve really enjoyed it. It’s going well. I’ll do whatever they want me to do. I’m looking forward to helping out and I don’t want any special treatment.”
Just as well George, we don’t think they were offering any.

PROVING that women really do prefer complete pricks, Orlando Bloom has been voted the Brit that most girls would like to sink their claws into.
Only adding to the snobbish pretty boy’s already inflamed ego Cosmopolitan’s Eligible Eleven poll of British men saw Bloom run out clear winner with 21 per cent of the vote.
Just in case any of you women who voted for him were a little confused, he isn’t really a pirate hunter, or from middle-earth he’s a jumped up mummy’s boy who probably played naked tig at boarding school.
Prison Break star Wentworth Miller was second and party freak playboy Prince Harry was third.
You may never be King, Harry - but at least you’ll get more shags than your brother.

WALKING rake Victoria Beckham will play a fat bird on top US TV series Ugly Betty.
Posh, who hasn’t seen a meat pie since 1989, will play a bulky bridesmaid in the show.
Exactly how many packets of custard creams she is going to have to eat to prepare for the role is not yet known.
The talentless trollop will appear in a special episode of the show turning up to an onscreen wedding wearing a fat suit, pretending to have pigged out on junk food since she moved to America. They always did say these US series were a bit far fetched.
Conceding she wasn’t exactly chosen for the show because of he acting prowess Posh said: “I’ll be playing myself. And I’ll get to wear a fabulous outfit, so I won’t be acting.” Whatever happens it can’t be worse than her US documentary, can it?

APPARENT pervert Sir Ben Kingsley enjoyed a full on snog with one half of child star prodigies the Olsen twins in his new film.
Kingsley, who is old enough to be the Olsen’s great, great, great grandfather, locked lips with 21-year-old Mary-Kate in a steamy session.
The follicly challenged Brit plays a psychiatrist who gives a drug dealer therapy in exchange for weed in the movie The Wackness, but it is the age-defying pashing session that has caught peoples’ attention.
Leading Mary-Kate off to a counselling session, a source said: “It was a full on make-out session. They locked lips for ages. It was quite cringe-worthy to watch.”
Her sister Ashley is thought to be pissing herself that she didn’t take the part.

MOTHERCARE spokesman Michael Jackson had to miss his nephew’s wedding because he’s scared to leave home.
The certified lunatic was in trouble with other members of the family – who are all equally as bizarre – when he didn’t bother to turn up for the nuptials of his beloved TJ.
Wacko has gone even further off the rails, if that is possible, since his kiddy- fiddling trial two-years-ago and now his family fear he’s turned himself into a paranoid recluse (although if everyone really does hate him then we suppose it’s not paranoia).
Trini Poncedelleon - the girlfriend of TJ’s father Tito – reckons MJ no longer feels comfortable being seen in public.
We’re sure half the mothers on the planet don’t really feel comfortable seeing him out in public either.
Trying to get her hands on the family fortune she said: “It hurt TJ, but since the court case it’s sunk in that people will try to take advantage of him.”

ANGST ridden troublesome teen turned feisty little sexpot Avril Lavigne has admitted to whipping her knickers off when she’s had one too many drinks.
Canada’s second biggest export after maple syrup said although she likes to get her tits out for the lads when she’s drunk. Glad to hear she refuses to use her sexuality like some other artists, Christina Aguilera, for example, last wore clothes in 2001.
“I’ve been known to run around naked when I’m drunk. One time I was drinking whisky and I was so loud someone called the police,” said Avril as she skulled a bottle of Jack Daniels. “I have a side to me that’s a bit delinquent and I get myself in trouble. I like to drink and party and speak my mind. But when it comes down to it, I’m a good person and I would deliberately do anything to hurt anyone.”

FORMER Spice Girl Mel B’s new husband allegedly used a brick to viciously murder a duck.
A warrant is out for the crazed killer’s arrest and he has been warned that if he ever returns to Ocean County were he committed the heinous crime, he’ll be arrested.
Munching on a crispy duck pancake, a spokesman for Ocean County Court said: “A warrant has been issued for unpaid fines and costs relating to an animal control offence.”
It has also been revealed that he has convictions for beating up his former girlfriend and that he changed his name from Stephen Stansbury to the far more exotic Stephen Belafonte to cover up his murky past.
Mel B admitted recently: “He’s no angel.” What makes you say that, Mel?

PROVING that women are bizarre creatures, new X Factor judge Dannii Minogue has admitted to fancying high-waisted wanker Simon Cowell.
Isn’t it strange how much more attractive people become when they are absolutely loaded?
The talentless little hottie was given the job as judge on the annoyingly compulsive viewing show after she met Cowell at an awards ceremony.
Minogue said: “I met Simon at an awards event and he said ‘I’m going to make you a big star.’ And I thought, ‘where did that come from?’” said Dannii, wiping Simon’s semen from her chin.

IN NO way trying to cover up the stories which claim their relationship is on the rocks, Angelina Jolie has said she is happy with Brad Pitt and that he trusts her not to cheat.
What a coincidence that stories have recently surfaced which claim the sickly sweet couple are on the verge of splitting up.
It’s understandable Brad is feeling a little left out as Angelina has half of Africa’s orphans to look after.
However, it turns out it was all absolute rubbish as Angelina declared their undying love for each other .
The formerly ravishing star, who is now a scrawny mess, told how she also gave up women for Brad.
“I’ve never hidden my bisexuality. But since I’ve been with Brad there’s no longer a place for that or S and M in my life,” said Jolie, as Brad glumly took off his gimp suit, realising his threesome S and M fantasy would never become reality.

BULLET proof 50 Cent has promised to quit music – but don’t get too excited, it’s only if Kanye West’s new album sells more than his.
The feuding stars both have albums coming out on the same date and will be battling it out to see which one is officially the others ‘biatch.’
West’s effort is called Graduation, whilst 50’s is titled Curtis and both are set to be released on September 11.
Letting his macho ego run wild 50 said: “Let’s raise the stakes. If Kanye West sells more records than 50 Cent on September 11, I’ll no longer write music. I’ll write music and work with my other artists, but I won’t put out anymore solo albums.”

MADCHESTER godfather Tony Wilson has died of a heart attack aged 57.
Wilson was the co-founder of the famous Factory Records where he introduced the world to bands such as Joy Division, and The Happy Mondays.
He had recently revealed he was suffering from cancer but doctors say his death was not caused by the disease.
Wilson was played by Steve Coogan in the Madchester movie 24 Hour Party People.
Despite being one of the most influential men ever to grace the British music scene, the poor bloke never actually made any money from it. He was the owner of the renowned Hacienda nightclub in Manchester but was forced to close it in the late Nineties because clubbers were getting pilled off their tits instead of spending money on booze.
New Order and Joy Division bass player Peter Hook said: “It’s a very, very, very sad day. It’s like my father dying all over again.”

NARCOTICS connoisseur Amy Winehouse dumped the Rolling Stones for two gigs in Germany because she had a busy schedule trying to kill herself on a cocktail of drugs.
The pilled up soul star was due to appear with the rock legends for dates in Dusseldorf and Hamburg but pulled out after collapsing and being taken to hospital following a drug overdose. Keith Richards must have been wondering what the hell was going on, he’d never let a little thing like an overdose come between him and a gig.
Winehouse has cancelled a string of gigs through ‘exhaustion’ and ill health.
Amy smoked heroin, snorted cocaine, took ecstasy pills and horse tranquilliser ketamine before her overdose but claims to have scared herself into clean living in the future. We shall wait and see.

ELECTRO king Calvin Harris has been ticked off for encouraging fans to get trashed at house parties in honour of the release of his new single.
The marketing ploy for his single Merrymaking At My Place has not gone down too well with jumped up parents who don’t want their homes destroyed by pissed up horny school kids. Harris has laughed off claims he has been irresponsible with his party antics with fears raised it will encourage underage drinking and riotous behaviour resulting in damage to people’s homes.
With his tongue in his cheek Harris said: “People have got very upset because they think I’m encouraging you to trash your mum and dad’s house.”
“I know you’re not stupid enough to invite people you don’t know, ply 13-year-olds with drink and let Jane’s big brother shag John’s mum behind the sofa.”

MULLET sporting Eighties rockers Van Halen will reunite with former frontman David Lee Roth for a tour later this year.
The band are jumping on the reunion band wagon and Roth will join his old band mates Alex and Eddie Van Halen along with Eddie’s son Wolfgang for the comeback.
Roth was famously dismissed from the group by Eddie in 1985 over musical difference – although it’s quite possible he was simply jealous of his hair.
Since then he has been working on his solo career – but clearly that wasn’t making him enough money.

A MOVIE studio has announced an open audition for anyone wanting to play the role of rapper Biggie Smalls in a biopic about his life - we wouldn’t have thought a 400 pound man was a rarity in the states.
Fox Searchlight have had the film, titled Notorious, in the pipeline for years but have never been able to find someone suitable to take on the leading roll.
The flab ridden rapper’s former best mate P. Diddy is reportedly being lined up as executive producer for the film.
According to the rapper’s ex manager, Wayne Barrow, his former client’s shoes will be difficult to fill - as will his jeans.
Wondering if there were any more ways to milk money from a dead man he said: “As it relates to the individual Christopher Wallace - his looks, his stature, what he represented, the swagger, the sensibility of the man - all those elements are very difficult to find, no matter where you go.”

POMPOUS prat Damon Albarn is refusing to let the Pet Shop Boys use a remix of a Blur track on a new compilation.
Albarn has vetoed plans for the macho pop duo to use a mix of Girls & Boys on their new release Disco 4 – because they made the song sound too good.
Albarn fell out with Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe ten-years-ago and apparently is very much one for holding a grudge.
A leather chap sporting source said: “Damon complained that they had made the song sound like their own.
“He was also annoyed when he heard Neil Tennant supported Oasis in their Nineties chart battle with Blur. Neil said Damon was pretentious. He’s just proved him right.”

A NEW report has finally revealed the truth behind The Beatles infamous 1964 British embassy visit in Washington.
The band were manhandled by embassy staff when they arrived for a party at the embassy at the height of Beatlemania. The incident even caused an investigation by MPs and the Foreign Secretary at the time but was eventually swept under the carpet.
John Lennon was pushed and pulled by a “rugby scrum of young Foreign Office officials,” while George Harrison was pinned in a corner by groups of well dressed autograph hunters. Paul McCartney’s head was too big to fit through the front door and he escaped the harassment.
The scenes were so over the top that Lady Sylvia Ormsby-Gore the wife of the British ambassador was forced to apologised to the band as they made their getaway.

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I got great marks and I’m really happy…we are doing special dietary requirements at the moment.

We made…

Flourless Chocolate Cake

Cranberry Jelly

& Gluten Free Orange Cake