JUST in case women didn’t fancy him enough already, pompous King-to-be Prince William will get another huge pay-day when as he celebrates his 25th birthday.
Obviously the cash is a God send for the hard up Wills, who lives in a palace and plays polo, and would by no means benefit some worthy cause elsewhere in the world.
He’ll be claiming a cool £6.5million, the inheritance left to him by mother Diana.
The Princess’s £21million estate was made up of stocks and shares, jewellery, her multi-million pound divorce settlement to jug-eared loser Charles, dresses and personal items from Kensington Palace.
More than £8million was paid in inheritance tax, leaving £12,966,022 which has been split between Wills and his younger brother Prince “I’m not bitter ‘cos I’ll never be King” Harry.
A NURSE at a special needs school was struck off after images of her getting banged from every conceivable angle at a sex orgy were posted on the net.
The 41-year-old nympho was sacked by the school’s governors after copies of her gangbang photos were posted to them – probably by some jealous, middle-aged woman who hasn’t had a good seeing to in years.
At a hearing of the Nursing and Midwifery Council, Ann Osborne denied misconduct and argued that the website had nothing to do with her job.
Despite her plea, she was sacked from the council.
Maybe now she can concentrate on her real passion of kinky sex with strangers in grotty hotels.
A DIRTY dad was found dead hanging from an electric wire wearing only his girlfriend’s bra and thong.
Paul Slevin, apparently a Michael Hutchence fan, had been indulging in a bizarre sexual fantasy when he was discovered by distraught partner Vivienne Stock, who had no idea he was a kinky bastard.
Vivienne, who was about to marry Paul, said: “I tried to resuscitate him but I could do nothing. The police said he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation.
I never knew he had any interest in this type of sexual behaviour,” as she hid his copy of Animal Farm.
AFTER a decade in power Britain’s longest serving Prime Minister is finally giving Gordon Brown the shot at the hot seat he was promised so long ago.
We take a quick look at Blair’s successes and failures.
SUCCESSES: Blair may be the benificiary of other’s graft, but getting Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley to share power is a monumental feat.
London will host the 2012 Olympic games.
Scotland was finally given its own Parliament.
There are 30,000 more teachers than in 1997 and health spending has trebled.
FAILURES: The Iraq War. 150 dead British soldiers, countless thousands of Iraqis, the 7/7 revenge attacks, the chance of further war in the middle east… oops.
Tuition fees, the supposed party of the working man abolish free education. Thatcher would have been proud. Labour now have nearly as many spin doctors as MPs and have introduced a military style campaign of headline control - but the press got rid of him.
A SKINT student is selling his limited edition Harry Potter book to fund his education fees – a heartening story until you find out he’s an upper class toff who actually only had to ask mummy or daddy for the money.
Toby Rundle is selling his copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone which dear mummy bought him to read in between getting buggered and studying Latin at boarding school.
The book, which was one of only 500 printed in the first print run, is expected to fetch £15,000 which Toby will use to pay for his classic and English studies at Oxford University.
TWO HORNY fire-fighters have been sacked after hiring a stripper to climb their firemen’s poles whilst on duty.
Footage of and 18-year-old stripper entertaining the lads at Leicester Central fire station with an erotic knickers-n-bra show was posted on You Tube.
Deputy chief fire officer Ian Scarrott said: “I’m not entirely sure we will get to the bottom of how she got into the station.” It doesn’t quite take MI5 to work out that the firemen let her in because they strongly fancied their chances of tag-teaming her.
“These officers were at work and they are in a service which is held in high esteem by the public.
“We can’t have a situation where we have young people coming into the station to do their Duke of Edinburgh Award and we have to say ‘by the way, there’s a woman stripping’.” They want forty ground a year for to play pool and phone strippers?
A HUNGRY trucker who couldn’t wait for the next service station to stuff his fat face decided to make himself a meal at the wheel.
Martin Veens was caught eating spaghetti from a saucepan and driving with his knees as he bombed along the road at 70MPH in his 40 tonne truck.
The Dutch trucker was jailed for eight weeks and banned from driving for a year after he was spotted enjoying his lunch as he ploughed along the road near Flintshire in his lorry.
A court watched footage of the idiot driver holding the saucepan in his left hand and a fork in his right and steering with his knees.
IN NO-WAY justifying a stereotype, ex-criminals will work as ambassadors for Liverpool when it becomes Europe’s City of Culture next year.
Keeping to it’s roots, former druggies and alcoholics will promote events during the £96million celebrations throughout 2008.
Family organisations had reacted with anger, until organisers explained the odds of finding staff in Liverpool without criminal records. Liverpool’s criminal community is planning meticulously for their biggest event in years.
A MIGRANT working as a cleaner at a university has become a concert pianist after a webcam caught him having a go on a grand piano.
Aleksander Kudajczyk, who had apparently forgot to mention to staff at the University of Glasgow that he had studied at one of Poland’s finest music academies, sat at the piano in the university’s chapel and ripped through a performance of Chopin compositions to what he thought was an empty room.
Nosey secretary Joan Keenan, logged onto the chapel’s webcam and caught the private gig and soon Kudajczyk was offered the chance to play in concerts and has been entertaining crowds at Glasgow’s West End Festival. For once no one can complain about immigrants taking jobs, Glaswegian concert pianists are rare.
A CON who tried to smuggle a mobile phone in his rectum ended up in utter agony when it came apart – ending up with 200 internal stitches and having part of his bladder removed.
He’s tried to call Vodafone on several occasions to see if that’s covered in his warranty but he can never get through.
Irish burglar Martin Mahoney shoved the mobile up his arse so that it wasn’t discovered by screws in cell searches. We hope for his sake it wasn’t a blackberry – and that he didn’t have it set to vibrate.
In the end the agony became unbearable and he had to confess,” said a chuckling prison source, as Mahoney sat gingerly in a wheelchair. Another con was caught smuggling an entire three pronged phone charger up his arse.
BRITAIN’S culture of binge drinking is so common that more than fifty per cent of us are estimated to have damaged our livers. The other fifty per cent were too scared to leave home, fearing attack by drunken thugs. So will alcohol be demonised in the press in the same way that illegal drugs are? Probably not.
Liver consultant Dr Rajiv Jalan said: “I’m stunned. Liver disease is rife.” Medics used state-of-the-art ultrasound, unsurprisingly not available on the NHS, to check the health of 70 passers-by at mobile clinics in London and Birmingham.
The Department of Health is being pressured by doctors to increase the price of alcohol, so that we can have not only a generation of winos, but even more crippling debts.
A JUDGE has specifically named Stella Artois as a main cause of violence amongst drinkers. The potent beer, a favourite amongst 18-year-old chavs and squaddies, despite being reassuringly expensive is known as wife-beater. In fairness to Stella, they are not sexist and overindulging on the drink can lead to both men and women being hit.
Judge John Hardy, who plumped for his usual half bottle of brandy before the case, blamed the Belgian beer for violent behaviour as he sentenced a plasterer who kicked the shit out his ex-girlfriend’s new lover whilst enjoying the effects of Stella.
TREVOR PHILLIPS OBE, former head of the Commission for Racial Equality and now chair of the new Commission for Equality and Human Rights – one man you would expect to be an expert at not putting his foot in it – appalled guests at a posh dinner by joking about the Queen Mother’s colostomy bag.
Phillips, perhaps taking tips from his comic hero the late Bernard Manning, made the tasteless gaffe after a toast for the Queen’s birthday.
Talking of his time as the first black president of the National Union of Students, he said he got a warning from security men before dancing with the Queen Mum at a ball.
“One of them said, ‘You have to be careful about where you put your hands. You have to be careful about the colostomy bag’.” Cue tumbleweed and distant church bells.
A SKINT couple living in a plush area of Cheltenham have proved they have less style than Laurence Llewelyn Bowen with a make-over on their new home - a double-decker Bus.
Colin and Louise Downes, last seen picking peanuts out of shit, have been trying to find a way of getting onto the property ladder in the upper class area.
The pair were only offered a mortgage of £80,000 from high street banks, which is about enough to buy a round at the local in Cheltenham.
Facing the prospect of living in a shantytown shack the Downes’ came up with a cut-price solution to their problem, and hope to swap their one-bed rented flat for four wheels.
TALK about the nanny state, animal groups are now warning that pets should wear seatbelts on car journeys. According to the PDSA, who claim to be the UK’s largest veterinary charity, big dogs should wear a special harness which clips into a seat belt and smaller pets should be kept in carriers secured by seat belts, or wedged on the floor. Wedged on the floor? Sounds very humane.
In a 30mph crash, a 50lb border collie would fly forward with a force equivalent to a polar bear, PDSA said. Wonder what force a polar bear would fly forward at? These are the sorts of experiments they should be doing, they this lot obviously have a bit of time to kill.
TWO MEMBERS of staff from the Irish Embassy in London have been arrested after seemingly trying to prove that they could out-drink their English counterparts.
Refusing to adhere to feeble UK drinking laws the two men caused much embarrassment to the Department of Foreign Affairs by breaking into a boozer to steal wine and beer.
The lads had gone to Janet’s Bar, South Kensington, after work and stayed until 1am. Not having had their fill they waited for staff to leave before heading back and taking four bottles of beer and a bottle of Chablis.
A WANNABE hippy went on a naked rampage after gobbling too much LSD and freaking out of his brain. Following an argument with the red and green men at a nearby set of traffic lights the loon-ball shed his clothes and ran riot across Wexford, smashing up homes and cars.
The teenager had taken four LSD tabs before he was arrested by police, naked and covered in blood, at a service station.
Upon capture police reminded the acid freak that the 70s were over and asked him to stick to cocaine in future.
POPE-BASHING skinhead Sinead O’Connor has confirmed she really is the spawn of Lucifer after claiming her mother was possessed by the devil.
The makeshift lesbian made the claims after opening up about her abusive childhood.
Sinead’s parents Jack and Marie O’Connor, had a troubled relationship splitting when she was eight.
O’Connor lived with her mother where she says she was frequently abused. The song Fire on Babylon is about the effects of her own child abuse. O’Connor claims that her mother was one of only two people she has met who were possessed by the devil, though she didn’t reveal who the other was.
A SMACKHEAD who hailed down a taxi to use as a get away vehicle in a robbery has been given a three year suspended sentence by a court in Dublin.
Mark Heffernan of Drumcondra pulled over the cab whilst two mates raided a pharmacy with a barbecue fork.
PILLED-UP party animal Lindsay Lohan is changing her ways and has “found God” according to her father.
It’ll be about a week before she’s craving some unholy action.
Desperate for a buzz, she will start crushing up and snorting communion, getting pissed on holy wine and giving some wide-eyed alter boy a lesson in the pleasures of the flesh.
Little angel Lohan has also cancelled her planned 21st birthday party which would have given the paparazzi enough wanton, gratuitous images to spend the rest of their lives in the lap of luxury.
Father Michael said: “Lindsay has found this righteous path because she’s going to church and that’s a good sign.” Can anyone really envisage Lindsay becoming a God-fearing do-gooder?
PRINCE William has been secretly calling Joss Stone it has been revealed - it’s not known if there was any heavy breathing involved yet.
The goofy looking prince and Joss should get on like a house on fire given her diva-like demands and him being able to treat her like, well, a princess.
Joss is notoriously hard to work with having sacked her own mother. She has worked her way through several managers who were all close to breaking point with the foxy little strumpet.
William shouldn’t be expecting too much from the Devon singer in the sack however – her last lover said she was not a sultry harlot between the sheets.
AWESOME Aussie Kylie Minogue will celebrate 20 years in the music business by spending half a million quid on a party for her friends, family and the inevitable bunch of hangers-on.
The party will celebrate 20 years since her first single Loco-Motion which was released on August 3, 1987 and has stood the test of time as one of music’s most important songs.
HOLLYWOOD’S most famous couple, the sickeningly named Brangelina, have shown that they are down to Earth despite their fame and fortune – by bickering over who is the most famous of the pair.
No egos involved then, just a bit of friendly rivalry. Mentally unbalanced MILF Jolie told photographer James Ambler she and Brad often “wonder” who the public are most interested in.
Ambler revealed: “She said, ‘Brad and I always wonder which one of us is the priority.’
“She said, ‘We just don’t understand why people always want to take our picture. We never go out drinking or anything like that.’”
No, but you turn up to countless premieres bearing your ample cleavage and smiling seductively, so unless Brad starts wearing jockstraps down the red carpet we’re pretty confident you win this one Miss Jolie.
CHARLIZE THERON is the embarrassed owner of the most expensive watch in history - the watch she wore to a Texas film festival could wind up costing her £10 million.
The watch itself is worth only £3,500 but she is being sued for breach of contract for wearing the wrong watch on the red carpet.
Watchmakers at Raymond Weil signed the Oscar winner as a spokesmodel for their Shine watches, only for dozy Charlize to be photographed wearing a watch by made by rivals Dior.
RAKE-LIKE skank Nicole Richie says her boyfriend, Good Charlotte knob-end Joel Madden, is her perfect because he looks like a hobo.
“I like pale, I really like skinny. I like people that kind of look homeless,” she said, which may explain why she seems to love herself quite so much.
BRITNEY SPEARS made sure people continue to see her as an absolute loon when she went out her way to be spotted by photographers who were camped outside a hotel waiting to get a snap of Mandy Moore.
The psychopathic fanny-flasher drove by photographers at a snails pace in the well-known paparazzi hang-out in Santa Monica and then doubled back on herself to make sure they got enough shots of her.
Eventually she managed to get the attention of the photographers’ attention and she and her bodyguard became mobbed by the scrum of snappers.
They managed to get them to back off but reports that she only managed this by shouting: “If you all stand back, I’ll give you all another chance to snap my beaver.” Allegedly.
BUSTY Italian babe Monica Belucci has compared her beauty to a Ferrari and says that more voluptuous women should be proud to show off their curves like she is.
The Matrix Reloaded star, who for a big-name celebrity shows a refreshing willingness to get her baps out, said her body is “so important to me,” it’s important to us as well Monica.
“Beauty is like a Ferrari because you have got to know how to drive it,” she said to a bewildered press conference, as the snappers tried to get a better cleavage shot.
WELSH wench Catherine Zeta Jones saved her geriatric husband Michael Douglas from a rattlesnake at a Californian golf course.
The misfit couple were having a round of golf at the Palos Verdes course (Michael’s full time carer played his shots as he sat in a mobility scooter) when Jones noticed the killer snake at Michael’s feet.
A source said she swung at the snake killing it outright. We’re just surprised she knew which old rattler to aim for;
running off with some young stud and Michael’s life insurance windfall must have passed through her mind.
JUST when you thought the sight of Simon Cowell’s smug grin couldn’t be any more repellent – it has been revealed that the repugnant reptilian bathes in cherry tomatoes and Perrier to keep his slimy skin young looking.
A source, too shy to be named, said: “Simon orders Italian cherry tomatoes to be flown in from Europe and pulps them in a bucket. He pours them into a bath filled with Perrier water and soaks for hours. He calls it ‘Tomate Cerise’. He believes the tomato enzymes eradicate age spots, keep the skin looking young and even boost the metabolism.”
Wonder what first attracted Terri Seymour, Cash Cow’s annoyingly sexy bird, to the multi-millionaire TV personality. Perhaps the way he revels in destroying teenage girls’ dreams live on TV?
BROWN-SKINNED beauty and Oscar winner Halle Berry has confessed that she was so devastated by the break-up of her first marriage she tried sucking on an exhaust pipe to get over it.
Halle showed that melodrama is as much part of her real-life as her screen performances: “I felt worthless after that marriage. I shut myself in my car in my garage with the engine running and I sat there, smelling the fumes.
“I started to think about how selfish I was being and how my mother would react if I stayed in that car. It was a struggle, but I made a pact with myself that I’d never contemplate taking my life again.” She makes it sound like a Hollywood blockbuster but in reality she probably didn’t know how to work the garage doors, you know, women and electrical equipment go together like Michael Barrymore and pool parties.
A PILL bottle that may have been used by Elvis Pressley reached £1300 at an auction proving that Elvis fanatics really do not have any sense whatsoever.
The bottle was just one of several painfully dull objects that sad 50-year-old virgin Elvis fans - presumably packed into horrifically tight Elvis suits - bid on.
Other items included a microphone that may have been used by Elvis which sold for nearly eight grand.
Elvis nuts who were hoping to get their hands on his last bowel movement which was still sitting in the bowl when he was found dead were bitterly disappointed.
A slightly more rock ‘n’ roll item up for grabs was his gold plated gun which fetched £14,500.
OASIS are going leftfield this summer when they start recording their new album according to simian strummer Noel Gallagher.
The Manc monkey says Oasis’ next album will be “more experimental” which by Oasis standards could mean having a triangle featured on one of their songs.
Gallagher senior said he wants to “completely throw the kitchen sink at it.”
What he really means is that it will be another self-indulgent steaming pile of shit like 1997’s Be Here Now which was the result of a Manchester kid writing music while intoxicated with self importance - and mountains of cocaine.
“I think since Standing on the Shoulders of Giants we’ve been trying to prove a point of just bass, drums, guitar and vocals and nothing fancy. But I kind of fancy, like, making an absolutely f**king collosal album.” That’s a great idea Noel, you go and do that.
GLASTONBURY organisers hope to break a world record this year with the biggest kiss ever, involving 30,000 couples.
The current record was set in Hungary where 6,400 couples joined in a mass snog, but Glastonbury officials reckon they can beat that and are asking everyone to snog the person next to them at a set time during Madness’ set. Suggs isn’t really who you would choose to get you in the mood for a bit of passion.
The record attempt will no doubt cause the break-up of several long-term relationships as each bloke turns to the cute brunette with huge jugs on his right instead of his porky girlfriend of eight years on his left.
THE FRATELLIS seem to go up in estimation with every passing week and they’re at it again by saying “no f**king way” to a request from LA Galaxy to record a song to mark David Beckham’s first game for them.
After relentlessly slagging Mick Jagger at the Isle of Wight Festival, the Scottish rockers were on the war path again after receiving a request from the US “soccer” team to record The Beatles’ Hello Goodbye.
“We’re not a bunch of f**king travelling salesman…We were like ‘no f**king way.’ It would have got us noticed of course but we’d have lost our self-respect.”
THEY may be getting on a bit now but the Rolling Stones are still displaying all the traits of a proper rock ‘n’ roll band by fighting with each other.
Ronnie Wood and Keith Richards are said to be fighting like f**k with each other after Richards branded Wood “boring” for quitting drinking.
A source close to the band claimed that Richards is pissed off because he’s lost his drinking buddy – something any bloke who has lost his drinking partner to a wife or long-time girlfriend will know only too well.
COUNTRY bumpkin Ryan Adams has made another bid to convince the world he’s actually a real rock ‘n’ roll star by talking about his drug addictions.
Adams says he has been consuming enormous quantities of narcotics, including heroin, and alcohol in recent years.
Sounding like a teenager bragging about how much Scrumpy Jack they sank at the weekend, Adams boasted: “I snorted heroin a lot - with coke. I did speedballs every day for years. And took pills. And then drank. And I don’t mean a little bit. I always outdid everybody…It’s a miracle I did not die.”
IN THE worst news since the collapse of the Twin Towers and the birth of global terrorism Ugly Spice Mel C has confirmed rumours of a Spice Girls reunion.
In a blow to the sanity of music fans everywhere the talent-less trackie wearer said: “For the first time ever, there is some truth in the rumours… it could happen.”
Until now Mel C had been the only member of the band blocking a reunion and saving the world from a complete catastrophe.
Now it seems the rest of the axis of evil will be dragging themselves away from their highly succesful solo careers for a potentially lucrative reunioun.
It is rumoured the band are planning six live shows around the world with gigs in London, Tokyo and Las Vegas, to support their Greatest Hits album which comes out later this year. God help us all.
POP LIGHTWEIGHT Gareth Gates has claimed that he fancies George Michaet - but of course, he’s not gay.
The stammering crooner, who was once chewed up and spat out by man muncher Jordan, is trying to make a comeback after three years away from music. Tragically nobody missed the little mummy’s boy.
In a recent interview Gates, who was dumped by his record label, said: “I’m not gay, but George Michael is one of the best looking guys I’ve ever seen in my life.” What?
DOPE fiend George Michael is thought to be in talks to appear in the last ever episode of Ricky Gervais’ hit sitcom Extras.
The pop poser turned drug baron has apparently jumped at the chance to star in a one-off Christmas special according to newspaper reports.
We’re happy with him doing anything to keep him away from a studio.
In a recent interview, funny man Gervais revealed: “I have got a bottle of champagne in the fridge - and beat this - it’s from George Michael. He gave me it after I supposedly called him a bender at an awards ceremony, if you believe what you read in the press. It was actually part of a joke that I ran by him first that he loved.”
CLUBBERS and drug dealers alike are in mourning after the home of über club Gatecrasher was destroyed in a massive fire.
Gatecrasher One, formerly The Republic, in Sheffield caught alight leaving smoke bellowing across the city and a dozen or so pushers looking for a new patch.
With the dogged determination of William Wallace in Braveheart a somewhat overdramatic statement on the Gatecrasher website said: “Just remember, that which hurts will only make us stronger, and those who know Gatecrasher will be fully aware that the Lion always grows stronger in times of adversity; of course this is saddening news for us all but we are now only thinking of striding forward into a new era of Gatecrasher as we brush ourselves off and stand tall.” It’s just a building, mate.
THE LONG haired, tattoo sporting frontman of metal gods Korn has finally decided to show his true colours, deciding to write an opera.
Bad-ass Jonathan Davis, who also plays the bagpipes, has revealed that he has begun writing an opera entitled Oblivion with Richard Gibbs and Clive Barker.
Davis says the “dark opera” will be “way different” from Korn’s style and is about the end of the world.
It sounds like a monumental pile of shit but, of course, we aren’t cultured enough to understand these things.
A MEMBER of top UK dance group Underworld had to be taken to hospital after having the shit kicked out of him at a gig in Greece.
The group had to cancel their set at the Ejekt Festival in Athens when a gang of armed madmen swarmed the stadium they were playing, causing a riot.
30 masked anarchists armed with CS gas, iron bars and baseball bats stormed the stadium while the Beastie Boys were performing.
Underworld member Rick Smith wash hurt in the attack, although this was only after band-mate Karl Hyde followed in the true British tradition of a riot and began throwing windmills at anything that moved. Smith was taken to hospital and then returned to England for treatment.
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