ANIMAL rights group PETA dumped a tonne of horse manure outside Gordon Ramsay’s Claridge’s restaurant – though this was still half a tonne less than spews out of Ramsay’s mouth daily.
They were demonstrating against the chef’s decision to use horsemeat on his show The F Word in which Janet Street-Porter bought the meat, cooked it and sold it at Cheltenham racecourse. Surely having to feature JSP on the show is more than enough punishment?
PETA are known for their outrageous stunts, which have often been derided as “terrorist,” and their love of animals over humans. A spokesman for the group said: “Horses are often transported long distances in Europe on extremely crowded trucks with no food or water. Some arrive at abattoirs already dead,” before looking lustfully at a passing goat.
Ramsay promoted the eating of horsemeat, saying: “It’s quite gamey and packed with protein,” before beating to death a helpless kitchen hand who put a bit too much salt in the stroganoff a la dog.
JOSE MOURINHO’S awful victimisation continued, this time at the hands of the Metropolitan Police as he was arrested for failing to provide documents for his Yorkshire Terrier.
Reports suggest that Mourinho refused to let the police take the dog and ended up arguing – pity those poor cops. Surely this task has taken over from informing relatives of bereavements as being the part of the job that policemen hate.
A spokesman for the Special One said: “Jose Mourinho can confirm that he was cautioned by police, and released without charge earlier this morning, after an incident involving his pet dog.”
A police spokesman said: “A 44-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of obstructing police and was taken to a west London police station,” whilst taking a swig of whisky and booking himself into a counselling service.
Initial reports suggested that Jose had kidknapped Dennis Wise with a view to re-signing him for Chelsea.
A JUDGE once again proved how in touch his profession is with modern life by halting a trial to announce that he didn’t know what a website was.
Judge Peter Openshaw is one of the younger judges on the circuit, at the age of only 134, but while a computer expert was giving evidence he was forced to admit: “The trouble is I don’t understand the language. I don’t really understand what a website is.”
Prosecutor Mark Ellison tried to explain using technical language, simple language, The Idiots Guide to the Internet and pop-up pictures but the judge sheepishly confessed: “I haven’t quite grasped the concepts.”
It’s good to know that the highest legal men in the land, keep up to date with the ever changing times and take their job seriously enough to care about them.
It also finally proves once and for all that the image of judges as pissed up, out of touch old farts is completely false.
The trial was of three men accused of internet terror offences. So at least it wasn’t an important one then.
GIVING jobsworths everywhere a bad name, a council warden fined a woman after her two-year-old granddaughter dropped two crisps on the floor.
Barbara Jubb’s granddaughter, two-year-old Emily, dropped a packet of Quavers in Crawley, West Sussex, which she picked up, kicking two stray crisps into the gutter.
To give the episode a farcical air, one of the wardens brought out her badge and said: “You’re fined,” such an abuse of their very limited power that traffic wardens would feel a little embarrassed.
A council spokesman said: “We have apologised to the family for being overzealous and are happy to have cancelled the fine,” while giving the warden a private slap on the back for assisting in their money grabbing ways.
You can guarantee that this “warden” was the kid at school who was bullied constantly and now feels a sense of civic pride every time they sting some poor unemployed guy for dropping a bit of litter.
One good thing to come out of the incident is that, on hearing about a two-year-old being fed Quavers, Jamie Oliver suffered a heart attack.
PEOPLE in Yorkshire, Cumbria and Devon are the fattest in all of England – is it any surprise when the diet consists mainly of high-fat baked goods and cider?
A study showed that people who come from these areas are more likely to be obese and in the West Country 48 per cent of the population is obese. That means that every second person you pass in the street will have that fat arse waddle and probably be eating a big bun.
Professor Graham Moon said: “The areas we have highlighted all have problems with social deprivation which has long been associated with obesity.”
But, as anyone who watched The Darling Buds of May will know, people in these areas live an idyllic life of picnics in fields, wholesome fun in the park, a hearty but healthy diet and regular sex with Catherine Zeta Jones look-alikes. So, you’re talking shit “Professor” Moon.
A FLIGHT from London to Kingston, Jamaica, had to be diverted because of two randy passengers shagging in the toilet. The mile high clubbers were heard loudly banging away in the toilet before coming out and discussing their exploits in all its gory detail as disgusted passengers (including some jealous blokes no doubt) complained to staff.
When they were refused any more alcohol, they allegedly became abusive and the captain decided to divert the plane to land at Bermuda.
Trevor Blake, 44, was handcuffed and his 28-year-old fiancé (now you see why he couldn’t wait till the plane landed to get her knickers off) was shackled until the plane landed where they were met by police.
They will be sentenced in June.
A 99-YEAR-OLD woman went to collect her pension only to be told she was dead. She might have one foot in the grave and another on a bar of soap but that’s no way to treat a woman who went through two world wars.
Teresa Galvin said: “I am absolutely disgusted by the way I have been treated. I went to France for eight weeks to see my son. I was told before I went it would be OK to collect the money – about £1600 – when I got back but then I couldn’t.
“When my son phoned, they said they thought I was dead.”
Teresa’s son said that she is completely deaf, almost blind and registered disabled.
Surely this highlights the pros of euthanasia more than the government’s shocking treatment of the elderly.
VETERAN British yachtsman Tony Bullimore once again proved his never-say-die attitude and gave up on a round the world sail after ten days.
Bullimore, who spent five nights in his yacht’s upturned hull in the Southern Ocean in 1997 before being rescued, was trying to beat superwoman Dame Ellen MacArthur’s record of sailing round the world in 71 days.
He set off from Hobart in Tasmania but had to turn back, probably just as he was leaving the harbour, because a pin that held the rig to the yacht burst.
The idiot sailor has been dubbed Captain Calamity after a series of catastrophic adventures.
In November he was presumed dead after all contact was lost with him in the Indian Ocean. Old Tony probably thought his radio was a shaver.
He eventually sailed into port and crashed into a jetty.
THE NEW landlord of a formerly gay-friendly pub is in trouble with the old bill after a sign reading “Faggots and mince not on the menu” was put up outside his establishment.
Ady Taylor denies putting the sign up and says it was, “probably done by workmen.” The workmen always seem to get the blame.
One local said he was “outraged” by the sign outside the Anchor and Hope in Trowbridge before turning dramatically away from reporters and shouting: “Talk to the hand ‘cos the face ain’t listening girlfriend.”
A NORWICH Job Centre is displaying adverts for a dominatrix position which has outraged locals – Norwich residents are disgusted by the idea of work.
The advert for a “Trampling/Domination Person” has been posted on the Job Centre website and in their Norwich branch and offers potential takers the chance to earn up to £100 a day.
The advert reads: “Previous trampling experience is not needed as training is given.”
The ad was posted by the proprietor of local “dungeon” Girl Power, Gerry James. He said: “My clients are nice, professional guys with a fetish who want to be walked over and verbally abused,” as he was mercilessly whipped by 19-stone Misty.
A MAN received a 12 month suspended sentence for trying to sell his own kidney. Surely if he wants to sell one of his own body parts then that’s up to him?
Daniel Tuck became the first person in Britain to be sentenced for breaking the Human Tissue Act.
He had agreed a price of £24,000 with a man on an internet chatroom, who turned out to be an undercover reporter who dobbed him into the rozzers.
His advert read (and this is genuine): “I want to sell my kidney. This is 100 per cent genuine. I am a white male of completely perfect health. Why risk getting a kidney from a Third World country?”
Tuck said he only did it to keep his fiancée in the lap of luxury and to pay off gambling debts.
AN IDIOT teenager thought he could forge £20 notes with dodgy biro drawings of the Queen on them.
The scary thing is though, he actually managed to buy a takeway with one.
He was eventually rumbled when he tried to get into a nightclub with two pieces of paper stuck together.
He was bailed but was told that he faces a month or two in the slammer.
A FIANNA FAIL election candidate proved himself to be a real modern man, describing his female political rivals as “blonde bimbos.”
According to Labour candidate Phil Prendergast, constituents had been telling her that Mattie McGrath was describing her as a bimbo during his door-to-door canvassing – though to be fair to McGrath, she has not understood the concepts of girls’ and boys’ names.
She said: “I was so annoyed that I rang Mattie McGrath at 6.20am the following morning. It’s not acceptable that a councillor should call door-to-door looking for votes and slag off another candidate. It is just not done.”
McGrath said: “Why would I? I would never do that. I would be appalled to do it,” whilst handing out his election pamphlet Women: Know your Place.
The sensitive guy was in the news previously when accused of assault charges and even his FF colleagues hate him - his running mate described him as “egotistical.”
ANN SUMMERS’ CEO Jacqueline Gold described national institution Pat Kenny as “hardly Jeremy Paxman” in her new autobiography – is that really meant as an insult though?
Ms Gold was on Kenny’s Late Late Show in 1999 defending the opening of her Ann Summers store on O’Connell Street in Dublin – amazingly, only eight years ago this was seen as controversial.
She said of her appearance: “[I thought] Oh my god, I am going to die up here. I am going to be ripped to shreds.” But Pat’s efforts to take a tough approach with her backfired when the female members of the audience took the general consensus: “Who does Dublin City Council think they are, telling women where we can and can’t shop?”
She also said she was backed by Dublin City Councillor Ciaran McNamara who brilliantly proclaimed: “I have no problem with Ann Summers. I love sex.”
IRELAND’S proud tradition in the Eurovision Song Contest took a severe beating when its entry managed to finish last in this year’s event.
To be fair, even though it was a God-awful song, Dervish’s They Can’t Stop the Spring had no chance of winning points when it turned out that voting seems to have nothing to do with the song, but with how many neighbouring countries you have.
The contest was won by Serbia’s entry who looked like a cross between Ugly Betty and KD Lang, but the show was stolen by the Ukranian entry, a man in a silver dress and a star on his head slapping the bums of his dancers - this came second.
Ireland finished just behind the UK. Oh well, looks like these losers will just have to make do with producing the likes of U2 and The Beatles instead.
SCANDINAVIA: Hippies showed their slightly less “hippy” side in Denmark when they clashed with riot police after protesting against the demolition of a derelict house which was used by “alternative residents” or squatters to you and I.
Sixteen people were arrested in the riot in the Christiania district of Copenhagen although it’s likely that most of them would have been happy to get a cell just so they had a bed for the night.
One “witness” said: “The situation spun out of control when black-clad youths built a large barricade and set fire to it to keep police from entering the area,” before leaving reporters and going back to join in the looting and violence.
The wooden built structure known as The Cigar Box has been home to several squatters since it was partially destroyed by fire four years ago.
CANADA: An optimistic, happy-go-lucky statistician has worked out that you are twice as likely to crash and die on your way to the store for tickets than you are to win the Ontario Lottery.
Jeffrey Rosenthal said the odds in Atlantic Canada seemed to be stacked even higher against ticket holders, in light of news that retailers have won ten times more than statistically probable over a six-year period – he sounds like a great guy to enjoy a beer or get stuck in a lift with.
“If you buy it and you are not careful, even if you do defy the odds and win a big jackpot, you might not manage to collect it,” said Jeffrey as anyone who knew him crossed over to the other side of the road to avoid him.
USA: Drivers in Miami have been voted as the rudest in America for the second year in a row.
Miami motorists have been seen talking on their mobile phones (shock horror) and even been seen flashing lights at each other – that kind of behaviour is absolutely disgusting but why wasn’t there any mention of the drive-by shootings and prostitution that goes on in cars?
One Miami resident said: “You don’t want to know what I’ve seen.
“I’ve seen everything. I’m from L.A., and we don’t see the crazy drivers that you see here,” as he dropped off a hooker and handed her a crack pipe.
CARMEN ELECTRA has a crush on Scarlett Johannsson and Jessica Alba and reveals that she loves indulging in “text sex.”
She tells of her love of text sex in her new book, How To Be Sexy, no one can deny her expertise in this field. Her advice for fast fingered lovers is: “I am a texter, I love to text. There is nothing wrong with getting a hot text. I say go for it, but be subtle. Express how you are feeling but don’t do anything too crazy.”
What, like actually ram the phone where it’s hard to get a good reception in the heat of the moment? You know what liquids do to phones.
On the equally stunning, but possibly not as dirty, Johannsson, she says: “Scarlett is hot. Her sexiness is totally appreciated by girls like me.” Scarlett may have responded in kind, and suggested they go out for a drink one time and see what happens, though this may also have been a figment of our imaginations.
GIRLS ALOUD pop-tart Sarah Harding has shown herself to be a top bird as well as a bit of a babe by saying that “only pussies go to rehab.”
The blonde singer said she was fed up hearing about celebrities checking into expensive clinics because they had one too many white wine spritzers the night before.
“I’m a bit of a geezer bird but I don’t drink pints,” she said.
She added that she admires monkey Mancunian Liam Gallagher for his drinking exploits – she is one classy lady. Her bandmate, luscious little leprechaun Nadine Coyle, who split up with rehab pansy Jesse Metcalfe – Sarah would describe him as a “pussy” – said: “We’re girls that like to go out and have fun. You become a pro at walking from the club to the car seeming sober.”
So she’s cunning as well as foxy eh?
OLD SLY has pleaded guilty to bringing a banned substance into Australia when he was here to promote his latest Rocky movie – Rocky 69.
The substance, believed to be a growth hormone (because the poor little chap could do with beefing up a bit), was found in his luggage when he arrived in Sydney earlier this year.
His lawyers pleaded guilty on his behalf at a Sydney court last week.
Stallone is still calling the incident a “misunderstanding” and is obviously completely unaware that the authorities aren’t having any of it and will prosecute.
A spokesman for Stallone said: “This was all a big mistake.” He could have been talking about Rocky Balboa though. Sly could be fined up to £11,000 which won’t exactly get his heart racing with worry – the steroids keep his heart rate at a steady 350 beats per minute anyway.
JESSICA ALBA has proved that she is seriously deluded by saying she wants to take on more serious roles that showcase her acting ability and not just her delicious rump and come-to-bed eyes.
She said she is fed up being seen as a sex symbol – life is just not fair is it, Jessica?
“I hope all my new work will help producers in getting past my hotness,” said Jessica as a movie executive pleaded with her to show her baps for a screen test.
She continued: “I try not to make the headlines. I’m self-conscious about this. I have my own fashion style and do not try to fit in. I don’t have my breasts under my chin, I’m not showing butt cheeks, nor much leg.”
So, rumours that she is to play a horny housewife with an insatiable lust for sex 24 hours a day are, sadly, just a fantasy.
OLD SPICE Geri Halliwell is to be given her own chat show on ITV – expect a cross between Jeremy Paxman and Trevor MacDonald.
It is amazing considering how much these TV producers earn that they do not have any better ideas than a washed-up pop star who has an intensely annoying personality to front a new chat show – next will be Tonight With Dane Bowers.
A source said: “It’s really early days but the idea is that Geri could really get to the heart of issues with her guests.” Please God, let that be made up.
STUCK-UP strumpet, Keira Knightley, claims she has no problems with nudity – even though there are 12-year-old boys with bigger chests.
Keira is currently shooting a film with Britain’s other leading bit of toff-totty, Sienna Miller. In the film, The Best Time Of Our Lives, the two friends share a passionate lesbian clinch. Imagine the director going, “Sorry girls, it just wasn’t quite what we’re looking for, one more time from the top,” after the 879th take.
Despite her upper-crust upbringing, Keira’s no prude: “There are plenty of sex scenes in the book, so the adaptation is true to its source. I think soon, people are going to insist I keep my clothes on.”
Keira has her own toy released as part of a cash-in for the third Pirates Of The Caribbean film. However, the self deprecating star said: “It’s nothing like me. She’s got t*ts, for a start! I don’t have tits.”
BUSTY BULLY Danielle Lloyd, who tormented Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother, got a taste of her own medicine when some Scouse scallys mugged her in a club toilet.
Danielle was said to be “distraught” and has not been having much lucky lately. Last week, she was pushed off a table by jealous fellow gold-diggers, for trying to move in on their footballer boyfriends.
The model, 23, was punched, spat at, had her mobile stolen and called a “stupid cow,” in a Liverpool nightclub. That’s the famous hospitality and banter of the Scousers for you.
Danielle’s sensational boobs are insured for millions, she should claim they were nicked in the attack and get the cash, although that might prove difficult to explain to the insurance guys when she does her next topless shoot.
A clubber who witnessed the assault said: “They were shouting, ‘Who do you think you are, you bitch?’ You’re no better than us’.”
BRUCE WILLIS is throwing a strop because his catchphrase “yippe-ki-yay, motherfu**er” has been cut from the forthcoming Live Free or Die Hard movie.
The studio producing the film did not want to use much swearing because it was after a PG rating – meaning that we won’t get a chance to hear the brilliant line. Shameful.
Willis says: “It does make it a little more difficult. They don’t want to see a lot of blood squirting out of bad guys. You can still do a lot of horrific things - you just can’t say the word ‘f**k’ more than twice. Saying f**k every other sentence is part of the vernacular of Die Hard.”
He reassured fans: “But we still have a pretty hard-core smash-mouth film.” Only in America can watching up to 300 men get killed (as was the count in the previous installments) be considered fine for children whereas swearing is seen as unacceptable.
EPITOME of class and sophistication Cheryl Cole has attacked pretty much everyone in showbiz and revealed that she has a hit-list of celebrities that she wants to get revenge on.
The wife of equally loveable Cashley Cole attacked, among others, Lily Allen, Charlotte Church and Dane Bowers – but surely this is a case of kicking a man when he is down (and out and lying faceless in a gutter begging for money, probably).
On his The F Word show, Gordon Ramsay goaded the permanently feisty/mental Geordie, telling her what fellow celebs have said. Having been told Lily Allen’s comments, that: “Nobody really wants to look like Cheryl - they just think they do,” Cheryl responded: “Because everyone wants to look like her. Chick with a dick.”
The Geordie harlot, on being reminded of Charlotte Church’s swipe: “I haven’t resorted to wearing short skirts and dating a footballer to get into the charts,” retorted: “She’s either talking shit or talking about someone else. Arsehole.” She really is the modern day version of Oscar Wilde.
BRITNEY SPEARS just can’t win can she? One week she is being slated for her frappuccino flab the next she is too skinny. Welcome to the ultra-bitchy world of women’s gossip mags. We, of course, have never been anything but supportive of Britney’s struggle with alcoholism, insanity and obesity.
Just weeks after taking flak for her flab a “source” is now concerned that Brit is too fit. She has been photographed with a stomach you could eat your dinner off and the sort of firm yet juicy thighs that are the stuff of dreams. Yet still she takes criticism. A source said: “She loves her new shape. But no one wants to see her looking as thin as Nicole Richie. Her mum is worried she could be doing it too quickly. She’s eating lots of vegetables, fruits, grilled chicken for lunch and sushi for dinner. She does allow a cheat day once or twice a week.” On that day, she washes down KFC family buckets with straight Jim Beam and a nice relaxing spliff while watching The Lion King with her sons.
PRISON-BOUND pain-in-the-arse, Paris Hilton, cannot escape rumours she has had a boob job after being repeatedly snapped with a suddenly heaving bosom.
The screwball socialite claims that she would never get a boob job because it “would cheapen my image.” Honestly, she did. Ever spare a thought for Paris’ dad? OK, he’s a billionaire and probably a wanker, but imagine having that for a daughter. You gave her everything she ever wished for, she has never had to work a day in her life and in return you can’t even book a weekend break in Paris over the internet without seeing your daughter’s gums gleefully devouring a meaty gobstopper. That’s gratitude.
Proving once and for all that Americans have no concept of irony Paris said: “When I was a teenager I really wanted a boob job. But when I turned 17, I thought ‘Ewww, it’s so cheesy!’ Years ago, I asked my dad for a boob job and he said it would cheapen my image.”
LILY ALLEN has run out of celebrities to bitch about so has turned her attention to herself.
The belligerent brunette said of herself that, at size 12, she is obese. She blames this on the industry, saying: “I know I’m not overweight, but in this industry I do feel obese half the time. When I go on shoots I have so many embarrassing moments when the stylist gets out sample size dresses, which are about a six or eight and won’t even go near me.”
Lily made the comments on her Myspace site but there’s no way such a ‘down with the kids’ kind of celebrity would ever indulge in self pity, surely?
The daughter of the nauseating, self-publicising, twat Keith Allen also said that she felt too big as a youngster – this may have had something to do with the fact that her dad looks like a heroin addict.
CHRIS TARRANT was banged up in a cell after a diner at a curry house claimed he was violently attacked by the manic quizmaster - with a spoon.
Allegedly, Tarrant threw the cutlery at him, cutting him in the process after the “victim” had been exchanging banter with him such as “phone a friend” and “final answer” quips, though very few sane people would argue that he didn’t deserve at least a cut arm for being so sad and annoying.
Tarrant’s spokesman said: “There was banter like ‘Are you going to pick A, B, C or D to eat?’
“It happens all the time and Chris took it all in his stride for 15 minutes or so,” after which he lobbed a spoon in the middle of the man’s table, to which the man huffed: “You have gone too far.”
Tarrant should be rewarded for showing such restraint in the face of such a David Brent-a-like.
It’s not been the best couple of months for poor old Chris, what with turning 60 and being caught cheating his missus, it’s no wonder he has a hair-trigger temper.
BOOMBASTIC singer Shaggy has said that English women are starting to evolve and look better.
The reggae singer might have offended women up and down the country but, to be fair, he does have a point.
“English women are starting to look better now. Back in the day, I had a couple of restrictions here and there. You know they weren’t great but I think they’re evolving over time,” said Shaggy as a 17-year-old mother of four from Peckham noshed him off. The singer went on to say that women in general are getting better looking because they can “buy a boob here, buy a boob there.”
Old Shaggy obviously doesn’t really know that much about cosmetic surgery and is probably puzzled as to why he doesn’t see women with one bap bigger than the other, while they find the money to get the other one done.
Despite his glowing report of English women, he was spotted partying it up with the Pussycat Dolls recently.
He might think the English women are getting better but he’s not quite ready to hang out with English girl groups, or be spotted with the ginger one from Girls Aloud.
THIS WEEK’S nauseating celeb match-up sees Lindsay Lohan pitted with son-of-someone-famous, Calum Best.
Calum, whose claim to fame is slightly worse than Howard from the Halifax ads, was snapped kissing the drugged-up, psychotic, yet-you-still-would actress in the Bahamas.
One of Lindsay’s friends put it best, saying: “This isn’t a serious relationship. He’s a piece of shit. He’s a wannabe celebrity.
Lindsay trusts people until they hurt her.” Poor angel.
Yes, incidentally, we are talking about the same Lindsay Lohan who was caught sniffing her brains out and bragging about how she was going to f**k Jude Law the next day.
She sounds so fragile, she will never survive in the horrible, back stabbing world of Hollywood.
PINT-SIZED celebrity tart Lindsay Lohan has been caught in yet another drugs scandal after a video of her apparently snorting some of Columbia’s finest was leaked onto the internet.
A “friend” ran to the papers with the story after a big night out with Lohan in Hollywood.
She said: “That night I saw her do more than 20 big lines of cocaine. She was still up doing drugs at 11am.
“She has told me she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco.” No wonder she’s on coke – she needs the energy from somewhere.
PRETENTIOUS pop star Sting and his wife have been found guilty of unfair dismissal and sexual discrimination after they sacked their chef – not exactly a shocker that Sting wouldn’t be easy to work for though, is it?
Jane Martin claimed that she was forced to work 14 hour days while pregnant by Sting’s wife, Trudie Styler, and that when she asked for time off to recover from illness, Styler responded: “Who the f**k does she think she is? She’s my chef in the UK. She needs to be available if I need her, or she should rethink her position.”
There is no cap to the amount of damages she can be awarded and it is expected that she will be given a fair whack of money when it is decided at a hearing next month.
Styler, the cold hearted bitch that she is, says she will appeal the decision: “I am devastated by this decision and I will appeal… I wholly reject the tribunal’s findings on this issue.”
HOLIER-than-thou couple Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow will send their kids Apple and Moses to school in Britain because they want their children to have the best possible education, although it’s doutbful they’ll be sending their kids to a comprehensive school in inner London.
Home schooling might be the only option for the kids, however, as they will spend the majority of ther time with heads down the toilet and getting beaten to a pulp in the playground with those names.
A source said: “Gwyneth is particularly impressed with the English education system.”
SICKENING self publicist Bob Geldof has displayed just a hint of sour grapes after he criticised the Live Earth conerts for not “having a clear goal” and that they would not help the climate problem.
It’s only right that Geldof expresses his opinion because his Live Aid and Live 8 concerts actually managed brought an end to famine and disease in Africa – oh, wait a minute.
“I hope they’re a success, but why is Gore actually organising them? To make us aware of the greenhouse effect? Everybody’s known about that problem for years. We are all fu**ing conscious of global warming,” said Geldof as he posed with a small African boy for the cameras.
He also said that he was annoyed that it had been called ‘Live Earth’ because people thought he was organising. Who would honestly think that Geldof would try to steal someone else’s thunder? Those rumours that Midge Ure was the brains behind Live Aid and that Geldof was just a performing monkey for the cameras are absolute rubbish…
THE LATEST celebrity must-have seems to be an adopted baby, having your own kids is so last year and Sheryl Crow is keeping up with the Joneses by doing it herself.
She posted a message on her website saying that she had adopted a baby boy and that she “wanted her fans to be the first to know about it.” How thoughtful of her.
Crow ensured years of bullying for the kid by naming him Wyatt Steven.
“We are enjoying some very private family time right now,” said Crow as a maid changed the little Wyatt’s nappy.
PAUL MCCARTNEY’S entire back catalogue will be available for download from the internet including his work with The Wings, although there won’t be anyone bothering about that.
The news comes after the long-running slagging match between record bosses and Apple over Beatles’ songs being made available for download is finally coming to an end.
Self-loving McCartney is releasing yet another no-doubt mediocre single at the end of this month.
THOSE wacky guys from Fall Out Boy have said that they aren’t too wild but they do like a bit of hardcore porn before hitting the stage – well, it would be dangerous to take to the stage with a loaded gun.
Frontman Patrick Stump said: “I think people have a misconception of what everything is like behind the curtain. They think there is more back there. It’s really cold and very bland and there are no strippers or poker or wind machines that blow tunnels of money. And contrary to popular belief there are no scantily clad girls around, except maybe on computer screens,” as he furiously beat himself off.
His bandmate, Peter Wentz, doesn’t need to worry about giving himself the five knuckle shuffle too much, he’s got Ashlee Simpson (above) to do it for him, lucky bastard.
WAR should be declared on Europe after only two countries awarded points to the UK’s Eurovision song, a musical masterpiece which will surely stand the test of time.
The competition was won by Serbia’s four foot Jimmy Krankie lookalike.
The only countries to vote for the UK were Ireland and Malta and they obviously just voted out of pity. We did finish better than in 2003 when Jemini failed to score a single point.
Scooch’s Flying the Flag For You finished an embarrassing 23rd from 24 entries.
The show, which is one big shower of shit, really, had all the usual features – strange Eastern European countries taking it way too seriously, sexy transvestites (is that wrong?) and good old Terry Wogan getting pissed as a fart and forgetting he’s on TV.
THE GOVERNMENT once again proved that it has the real issues affecting Britain at its heart by “getting tough” on ticket touts. Tickets for Radio 1’s free Big Weekend featuring the Black Eyed Peas have been sold on Ebay for up to £400 and the minister for creative industries (we hadn’t heard that one before either) Shain Woodward said: “This flies in the face of all the hard work that Radio 1 is putting into stamping out touts at the Big Weekend.
“Ebay should stop selling tickets - the artists are not making money from this free event, so why should the touts?”
Incidentally, if anyone’s looking for tickets for Radio One’s Big Weekend we’ll sell you a couple for £350.
MY CHEMICAL Romance and Muse have been cuaght up in a death threat scandal in the US, but unfortunately the threats aren’t aimed at them. Fans have been sending the owner of a café in Williamsburg threatening letters, after it was alleged that his cooking gave the bands food-poisoning.
Owner of the café, Glenn Gormley, said: “I don’t understand how they could hold me responsible for this.”
SCOTTISH rockers The View have denied that Kyle Falconer’s drug possession charge stopping them from entering the US has caused a rift in the band.
Falconer has a conviction for cocaine possession and the band have twice been refused visas in the country because of this. Although to be honest, their chances of “breaking America” were fairly slim anyway.
A fellow band member said the boys remain as good friends as always by saying eloquently: “Kyle was a wee skater boy with a bowl cut. He was running about the school like a psycho listening to hip-hop.
“He looked like a fu**ing dick. But he got me into Oasis. That’s where it all started.”
Isn’t that heart-warming?
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