DESPICABLE thieves burgled a man’s car and stole his best mate’s ashes in the raid.
Rumours that the men were working for Keith Richards are so far unconfirmed.
John Brown said he was “devastated” when he realised the urn containing his old mucker was taken although cynics would suggest that if he was such a beloved friend, he wouldn’t have left his ashes in a clapped-out Ford Escort.
He said he was on his way home from organising his friend’s funeral when he stopped in a lay-by in Dorset to stretch his legs.
When he returned, his car window had been smashed and the urn was missing.
“I pray the thieves will leave the ashes where they can be found,” said Mr Brown.
A BARRISTER has claimed that “disproportionate and unfair” charges by Nat West has left him penniless before the age of 30 – though it is tough to feel any sympathy for a lawyer complaining about unfair charges.
In a contest similar to Jordan’s fight with Jodie Marsh where it’s a case of the devil versus the deep blue sea, Tom Brennan has claimed that the bank’s charges had been so high that he had difficulty paying the rent and expenses incurred during his training.
A SCHOOL has been forced into an embarrassing apology after a book written by teachers profiling the biggest knob ends who attended class was found in the street by a member of the public.
Despite the apparent “outrage” from the British public, you cannot help but agree that a manual on who to watch out for could give the poor teachers a bit of a headstart in educating the mutants who are in British schools today.
The book named 85 troublesome pupils who attend Howard School for Boys in Rainham, Kent, and offered in-depth psychological profiling such as: “he’s a bit of a dingbat,” a “complete wally,” and “this one’s away with the fairies.”
The book didn’t stop at pupils though. Parents were also insulted in the book with one mother being branded “a bit rough,” and another “completely unstable.”
One outraged mother said: “Aren’t teachers the ones who are supposed to be stopping this kind of thing?” as she downed a bottle of Smirnoff and gave her 11-year-old son a Berkeley Superking.
VIAGRA could help people flying eastwards recover from jetlag – great news for horny gap year students coming to Australia and desperate for an excuse to buy the pills.
A group of Argentinean scientists made the findings after testing on hamsters which resulted in them recovering up to 50 per cent faster than usual – also having the side effect that they were shagging like hamsters (on Viagra).
Unfortunately, Professor Robert Lucas said that: “We will have to wait for more research to know whether this will work in humans.”
However, if it is shown to work it will mean that male UK and Irish travellers on arrival in Australia will get over those two potentially devastating consequences on their first night, namely jetlag and brewer’s droop.
Furthermore, UK and Irish girls keen to avoid a week of not knowing where they are or what time it is will be eager to take the drug which could lead to them becoming raucous sex-starved man-hungry creatures. So no change there then.
A BRITISH climber made a phone call from the top of Mount Everest – quite a feat considering us paupers have trouble getting reception when there is a bit of rain.
Rod Beber made two calls, one to a voicemail account especially created by Motorolo describing the view and then to his wife and children but was left disappointed when the pizza delivery firm told him they would be charging an extra £5 to deliver that distance and he could not invoke the half hour rule.
He wore the batteries strapped to his body to keep them warm enough to make the call, which was essential as he forgot to bring his charger and everyone else had Nokia chargers. He also failed to top up his phone before he left, limiting his talk time to 15 minutes. He also sent a text message from his phone, which said: “im gr8. hw r u? mt evrst is luvly. pls txt me man u chlse scor. thx :)”
A GIRL who was spouting utter bollocks about gobbling a married teacher when she was 15 may now be slapped with fairly serious perjury charges after the judge said her testimony was about as believable as President Bush’s claims about weapons of mass destruction.
The girl, who cannot be named, claimed she went down on Michael Taylor, 45, like a circus seal as he was playing the xylophone. But Judge Peter Morrell cleared Mr Taylor at Leicester Crown Court and said the girl, now in her 20s, had been full of shit. Mr Taylor, of Cotgrave, Notts, denied eight sex assaults and two charges of gross indecency.
The girl claimed she and Mr Taylor — now a headmaster — began a year-long secret relationship days after her 15th birthday at Soar Valley College, Leics.
Her cunning ruse was revealed after she was overheard telling her father at court: “I will get compensation and give you loads.”
A WAXWORK of whopping jugged EastEnders hag Barbara Windsor had its head chopped off by a pissed up squaddie at a party last week.
Clearly having been starved of female companionship for some time, the hammered oik began groping the Madame Tussauds figure only to accidentally knock its head off in the midst of his lustful antics.
Now the Army is fuming after being slapped with a healthy £8,000 bill to get it repaired.
The sculpture of Babs was one of a dozen on display at a themed party for Household Cavalry members.
A Madame Tussauds insider snapped: “A lot of the soldiers thought it would be a laugh to have their photo taken groping a waxwork of Barbara Windsor.
“But one of them took it a bit too far and snapped poor old Barbara’s head off. We have no idea who did it but we want the damage paid for.”
THE GOVERNMENT has thought of a new way of resolving the crisis in nurses’ morale – by introducing a fleet of robots to take their place.
Ministers say the machines will make caring for patients cheaper and safer as they make less mistakes. A Department of Health spokesman said: “One robot being developed has an arm like C-3PO in Star Wars. It can mix cancer drugs at an amazing speed.”
There will be plenty of drawbacks if the prototypes being tested in Newcastle, Warwick and London work. Chief among these is the concern that they will not be able to walk up stairs but there is also the worry that they will develop human intelligence and become hell bent on world domination. the possibility that they would become slightly camp cowards forever hiding behind their best friend and the inevitable end of flirtation and innuendo associated with nurses to a generation of people brought up on the Carry On films is another drawback.
THE PRESTIGIOUS Cornwall’s Strongest Man title was won by a man claiming £43,000 disability benefit – whether this amounts to fraud or is an indictment of a county that lives on pasties is up for debate.
Jon Stentiford built up his strength through training while picking up taxpayers’ money to live on – though he still has trouble lifting his bulging wallet.
The muscleman claimed he was unable to work because of a bad back yet was able to lift a Mini Metro off the ground for more than a minute.
The only explanation was that his job was single-handedly saving Truro from evil overlords planning on domination of south west England.
The meathead allegedly worked as a nightclub bouncer during this time so, ironically, he could have justifiably claimed benefits for severe mental disability.
A spokesman for the police said: “Fraud is a serious crime and people should realise that there are serious consequences to it,” as he took bets on Stentiford being able to lift a fellow prisoner and run round the yard with him.
BRITAIN’S top policeman Ian Blair criticised footballers for their bad behaviour, blaming it on the obscene wages that they earn. The head honcho said: “There is an impression that if you have enough money you can do what you want,” as Ashley Cole waved £50 notes in front of him while making V signs behind his back and spitting on his colleagues.
He continued: “This behaviour means young people don’t learn there are boundaries and they think they can do what they like too.” Footballers such as Joey Barton, Lee Bowyer and Jermaine Pennant are good friends of the rozzers, and are on first name terms with many of their local police force.
Last year footballers were even rebuked by the Queen when she was knighting the Premier League Chairman David Richards, allegedly saying: “Football’s a difficult business, and aren’t they prima donnas?’’ – a bit like Maradona having a go at Robbie Fowler for being “a bit of a coke head.”
AN EXPLODING curry caused £20,000 of damage on a British Airways flight after a stewardess used a new high-powered microwave oven to heat her dinner.
The damage was caused after the cabin crew were forced to use fire extinguishers to douse the oven.
The company then sent a secret memo titled “Microwave incident” to all crews saying that these are state-of-the-art ovens that are twice as powerful as normal ones and food requires special packaging before being cooked in them – presumably asbestos.
It means that cabin crew will not be allowed to bring their own food and have to eat the meals provided by the airline just like us – no doubt those fake smiles and pleasantries for us to enjoy our meals will be a thing of the past after being forced to eat the same nasty “food.”
Passengers could become victims of air rage attacks by air hostesses.
A TEENAGE boy from Tallaght will no doubt be in for a lifetime of self-doubt after receiving a grilling from his mum live on national radio. Apprentice plumber Paul Flaherty, 19, ran naked onto Croke Park pitch but was made the laughing stock of Ireland as his mum had a go at him on Joe Duffy’s Liveline show.
She compounded his misery and years of mental anguish even further by telling a court: “I can assure you he will never do anything like that again,” before telling him off for not washing behind his ears.
Flaherty had done the streak to raise €1,000 for the Cystic Fibrosis charity, but they refused the money for the way it was raised. He escaped a criminal record after the judge decided he should clean walls and floors in Tallaght Hospital for three weeks.
Flaherty apologised first to the crowd, then to his mum, then to “absolutely everyone,” whilst looking over his shoulder at his mum waving a rolling pin menacingly.
A COUNTY ANTRIM man was jailed for two years for robbing a lingerie store at knifepoint dressed as a female elf.
Robert Boyd donned a blonde Harpo Marx wig, glasses and a beanie hat to hold up a female staff member at a lingerie store in Belfast. He had claimed to have been involved in a futuristic role-playing game at the time of the robbery, where he assumed the name of an evil character named Buho.
The defence lawyer pleaded for leniency on the grounds that he was a figure of ridicule whose life was in tatters. He was found guilty of stealing two sets of bras, knickers, suspenders and stockings worth around €400 and sentenced to two years in prison where he will assume the name of Buggerio, a weedy little man who only draws strength by being injected with the special liquid of his dungeon-master, Big Tezza.
SCANDINAVIA: Concerned authorities in Sweden are trying to come up with ways to stop depressed Swedes throwing themselves off bridges. The issue was raised in parliament after it was revealed that 40 to 50 people every year make use of the country’s excellent infrastructure to end their lives.
Some of the best ideas include installing phones connected directly with counsellors on bridges so that suicidal people can have a chat about why they are ending it all before jumping off a bridge and ending it all. Another idea - and this is absolutely inspired - is to fit higher fences to bridges.
Reports claim a suggestion to install giant trampolines under bridges was rejected on the grounds that it would lead to drunk people going for a jump off the bridge on a Saturday night, allegedly.
CANADA: A Montreal couple who brought a young woman from Ethiopa are denying claims that they were involved in Canada’s first human trafficking case - whatever could have given authorities that idea?
The woman worked as a nanny for Nichan Manoukian and Manoudshag Saryboyadijan but the couple, originally from Lebanon, reject claims they kept her as a prisoner.
“She had the security code for the garage and a key to the house. She was like family to us and that’s exactly how she was treated,” said Manoudshag as the young Ethiopan woman vigorously polished his shoes.
The case continues.
USA: Showing signs of at least slight psychological problems, an American man tried to hire a hitman to blow away his entire family.
However, proving that he was capable of showing slightly more mercy than, say, the devil, he ordered that his seven-year-old daughter was to be fatally shot in the chest and not the head so they could have an open casket for her.
John Orlowski was going through a bitter divorce with his wife when he decided to hire a hitman to finish her. He obviously asked himself: “Why stop there?” and decided to get his mother-in-law done in too (maybe it was two for one). Luckily, police foiled his plan.
MILF DEMI MOORE is betting sexual favours with her schoolboy husband Ashton Kutcher over heated games of dominoes – considering dominoes is a game you generally only play with your gran, you probably won’t want to copy them (unless you’re sick).
The 44-year-old, who is married to 14-year-old wanker Ashton Kutcher, is trying to get pregnant for the fourth time and said they use dominoes as an excuse to get it on.
“We’re both addicted to Mexican train dominoes,” said Demi before deepthroating a nervous-looking Kutcher.
She continued: “It goes up to double 12’s instead of double six and it takes about three hours to play.
“I’m not joking when I say we’re addicted like two to three times a week.
“Maybe we should have some side bets just to you know, encourage sexual favours,” as Kutcher got down on his hands and knees and pleaded with her to put down the dominoes and get into bed.
SLAP-HEADED slapper Britney Spears shot up in her dressing room before hitting the stage last week but before anyone’s imagination starts running riot with heroine or meat injections, it was only vitamins.
Shears said she was feeling in need of a boost before she hit the stage and, presumably, she didn’t have enough time to polish off a bottle of Jack Daniels so asked her doctor to give her the vitamin injection.
After the gig at Miami’s Mansion she partied the night away with friends and even stripped off and jumped into a swimming pool.
Whatever “vitamin” she was taking, we want some of it.
A source close to the slightly unhinged singer said: “She was calling around for a doctor to give her a B12 shot. A doctor shot her up before the show.”
NOTORIOUSLY small-penised Mick Jagger covered his little fella with bees in an attempt to swell it according to one “pal” – he must not have been paying attention when his dad told him about the birds and the bees.
He tried the crazy tactic when filming scenes for the 1981 movie Fitzcarraldo, said movie director Julien Temple – though with friends like these, who needs enemies?
He said: “It involved putting bamboo over the male member and filling it with stinger bees so the member attained the size of the bamboo. Mick spent months in the jungle in Peru. He was going mad out there I think.”
Quite how this could help is not really understandable, but this is an Amazonian marriage ritual – although with some of the films involving Amazonian women hunting for prey in their leopard skin bikinis, it is a miracle that the men would require any help.
IRRITATING American idiot Paula Abdul has broken her nose after tripping over her pet Chihuahua – her spin doctors must have been up all night thinking that one up.
Rumours that she had a drink problem surfaced after she appeared on USA Today at 7am pissed as a fart.
The American Idol judge said she tried to step over her pet pooch but lost her balance and fell flat on her face.
“I bruised myself on my arm, my chest, my waist all the way down to my hip. All from my little chubby Tulip,” said Abdul.
On the other hand, if the story is true poor little Tulip is probably lying in a shallow grave in Paula’s back garden now.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON has claimed that she goes for attitude ahead of looks when picking out potential boyfriends.
Which suggests that it must have been the stunning intellect and lightning wit of Justin Timberlake and Josh Hartnett that attracted her to them.
The gorgeous harlot said: “One thing I look for, that isn’t physical, is a healthy confidence. I think it’s the full picture.”
She went on to say: “If somebody is confident in a way you would admire - being strong, funny - that can make someone you might not initially be attracted to more attractive,” a claim that would be that much more believable were she to be seen out with Ricky Gervais or Stephen Merchant at the next award ceremony.
LATINO lovely Jennifer Lopez was in court last week to testify against a writer who claimed she stole his idea for her South Beach TV programme – it’s surprising anyone would want to claim the idea as their own considering the show only lasted about five minutes before it was canned by bosses.
Jack Bunnick claims that voluptuous J.Lo stole his idea from a 1999 pilot of South Beach Miami which was obviously equally enthralling stuff.
Bunnick is seeking unspecified damages and an injunction banning any future broadcasts of South Beach – although he probably won’t have to worry about any other networks fighting for the rights to the show.
J.Lo’s lawyer has claimed that he is only suing her because of her celebrity status and to try and win an obscene amount of compensation.
EVERYONE’S prime candidate for frontline fighting, former soldier James Blunt, partied with Playboy bunnies on a night out in Cannes after his recent split from supermodel Petra Nemcova.
The nauseating dullard proved once again that the way to a beautiful girl’s heart is through writing a pathetically bland inoffensive love song that a computer could produce in half the time.
After being treated to a saucy dance from some of the girls, he shared a boat with the ultimate MILF, Pamela Anderson, proving beyond doubt that there is no natural justice in this world and probably no God.
Blunt’s other conquests have included Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.
ABSOLUTELY no men will be crying into their pints after hearing that Amy Winehouse has got married after being engaged for one month to hubby Blake Fielder-Civil.
The body from Baywatch, face from Crimewatch singer tied the knot with the rapscallion having had a long term relationship with him in the past – let’s only hope that he knows what he is letting himself in for.
Having said this, the beaming bride-groom has been criticised by a source close to the couple who claimed: “Blake has been singing, ‘They tried to make me sign a pre-nup, but I said no, no, no’ to the tune of her Rehab song. Some of the people that know him have nicknamed him Anna Nicole Smith because they think he’s only after her money.”
What a classy lad for a very classy lady.
LINDSAY LOHAN’S mum has claimed that her daughter cannot trust anyone in her 78th statement to the press this year about Lindsay’s private life.
According to mother Dina, Lindsay was distraught after a tape was leaked to the News of the World showing Lohan snorting coke in a hotel toilet and had to turn to drugs (presumably) to get over her ordeal.
Lindsay’s mother must be absolutely disgusted that her precious little girl can’t stuff as much party powder up her nose without it getting into the papers.
Dina said that, like Catherine Tate’s Lauren, Lindsay is not bovvered about the tape but its release has made the fragile shrinking violet aware of her own naivety.
The money-grabbing parent said: “We work so hard, then some girl just tried to make money off her. Lindsay doesn’t even know who her friends are,” whilst listening to offers for stories about Lindsay’s childhood.
To be honest, if it wasn’t for little Lindsay’s partying ways, the tabloids would struggle to fill their pages.
IRONING board impersonator Kiera Knightley said she wishes she had bigger breasts like Monica Bellucci – although even Orlando Bloom would be a step up.
The lovely flat-chested star told GMTV: “I would love to have tits!” which sparked a power cut in Surrey as middle-aged women overloaded the telephone network in disgust at such gratuitous language on a family show.
She continued: ”I would love to have Monica Bellucci’s figure. But I’m never going to get it. I’m naturally who I am.”
However, the beautiful Pirates of the Caribbean star said she was not willing to have cosmetic surgery: “Surgery is far too frightening. I couldn’t.”
She criticised the media for not encouraging diversity: “I think it would be great if we saw a wider range of women of all ages, of all shapes and sizes in the media.”
ROBBIE WILLIAMS is quitting his life in the US to come back to the UK – presumably because he is sick of the privacy and the lack of intrusion he is afforded in the country where no one knows him.
The egotistical rehab addict can no longer take walking down the road without anyone recognising him.
He is set to return back to live with his best mate, former You’ve Been Framed presenter Jonathan Wilkes and his family, where they may or may not spend their days watching hilarious home videos of Robbie begging American people to come to his shows and love him.
A source close to Robbie said: “Robbie is coming home to be close to the people who love him. He wants to have fun with his friends and concentrate on getting rid of his demons,” although there is concern that watching his former fat-mate Gary Barlow achieving success once more may send him over the edge for good.
Poor guy.
MEN around the world will be overjoyed with the news that Enrique Iglesias has managed to hold on to the sexiest woman in history Anna Kournikova despite having not much down below.
The Spanish crooner admitted that: “I’d change my penis if I could. It’s way, way, way too small,” before buying a Ferrari Spyder, donning an expensive suit and braying loudly about his wage packet to a load of similarly endowed investment bankers.
This news brings hope to all us, sorry, those small penised men everywhere as does his revelation that he has no plans to marry the Goddess who has descended upon this humble planet to allow male folk a glimpse of her enchanting beauty and give their lives meaning.
“It wouldn’t make a difference,” he said, while stroking a picture of her and telling himself how lucky he was for the 241st time that day.
THE FEEL good factor in Blighty has just risen by 100 per cent as George Michael threatened to leave the UK because of the press intrusion into his life.
The news will cheer up all those that are nearing their return date home as, although the UK may not have beautiful weather, beaches, people etc, at least they won’t have to contend with sharing the land with the sanctimonious know-it-all for long.
He said: “The kind of media coverage I’ve been having, I have started thinking for the first time in my life that actually I shouldn’t be living there.”
He continued: “I have got to think seriously about whether or not my love for my country is keeping me somewhere which is not good for me.”
It is hoped that those grubby paparazzi that have been intruding into his life are paying attention to his concerns and as a consequence are permanently camped outside his house checking his garbage as he throws it out.
SEX BOMB Kelly Brook is proud of her curvy figure having been ashamed of herself when she was growing up (and growing out). Expect Zinedine Zidane to tell of his pride in his decent footballing abilities having been picked last in the playground at school.
The former FHM Sexiest Woman in the World (although, unfathomably, this is a title she shares with Gillian Anderson) said: “I’ve learned to celebrate the way I look, although as a kid I thought I was just a geeky, goofy-looking thing. I could never see what the fuss was all about.”
The fantasy figure continued: “I’ve always embraced my curves and I don’t see why they’re anything to be ashamed of.”
We doubt you will find anyone anywhere in the world that would claim you can possibly be ashamed of them Kelly.
Although judging by the miserable look on her fiancee Billy Zane’s face all the time, maybe he is.
The pretentious prick obviously doesn’t realise just how lucky he.
DOTING family man OJ Simpson was forced to drop his lawsuit against a Kentucky restaurant owner for throwing him out of his establishment.
Jeff Ruby asked him to leave the steakhouse, giving the reason that he did not like the former American footballer’s conduct surrounding the most talked about trial of the 1990s – presumably “his conduct” referred to the whole allegedly murdering his wife thing.
Simpson, realising that his luck in court had to stop at some point, dropped the lawsuit which claimed that the eviction was racially motivated and not anti-murdering-your-wife-ly motivated.
However, Ruby said: “I got a phone call from the Goldman [family of murdered lover Ron] lawyers, and he’s not going to be able to do this lawsuit anyway, because they’ve already taken pre-emptive action in case there is a claim.”
MILF DEMI MOORE is betting sexual favours with her schoolboy husband Ashton Kutcher over heated games of dominoes – considering dominoes is a game you generally only play with your gran, you probably won’t want to copy them (unless you’re sick).
The 44-year-old, who is married to 14-year-old wanker Ashton Kutcher, is trying to get pregnant for the fourth time and said they use dominoes as an excuse to get it on.
“We’re both addicted to Mexican train dominoes,” said Demi before deepthroating a nervous-looking Kutcher.
She continued: “It goes up to double 12’s instead of double six and it takes about three hours to play.
“I’m not joking when I say we’re addicted like two to three times a week.
“Maybe we should have some side bets just to you know, encourage sexual favours,” as Kutcher got down on his hands and knees and pleaded with her to put down the dominoes and get into bed.
SLAP-HEADED slapper Britney Spears shot up in her dressing room before hitting the stage last week but before anyone’s imagination starts running riot with heroine or meat injections, it was only vitamins.
Shears said she was feeling in need of a boost before she hit the stage and, presumably, she didn’t have enough time to polish off a bottle of Jack Daniels so asked her doctor to give her the vitamin injection.
After the gig at Miami’s Mansion she partied the night away with friends and even stripped off and jumped into a swimming pool.
Whatever “vitamin” she was taking, we want some of it.
A source close to the slightly unhinged singer said: “She was calling around for a doctor to give her a B12 shot. A doctor shot her up before the show.”
NOTORIOUSLY small-penised Mick Jagger covered his little fella with bees in an attempt to swell it according to one “pal” – he must not have been paying attention when his dad told him about the birds and the bees.
He tried the crazy tactic when filming scenes for the 1981 movie Fitzcarraldo, said movie director Julien Temple – though with friends like these, who needs enemies?
He said: “It involved putting bamboo over the male member and filling it with stinger bees so the member attained the size of the bamboo. Mick spent months in the jungle in Peru. He was going mad out there I think.”
Quite how this could help is not really understandable, but this is an Amazonian marriage ritual – although with some of the films involving Amazonian women hunting for prey in their leopard skin bikinis, it is a miracle that the men would require any help.
IRRITATING American idiot Paula Abdul has broken her nose after tripping over her pet Chihuahua – her spin doctors must have been up all night thinking that one up.
Rumours that she had a drink problem surfaced after she appeared on USA Today at 7am pissed as a fart.
The American Idol judge said she tried to step over her pet pooch but lost her balance and fell flat on her face.
“I bruised myself on my arm, my chest, my waist all the way down to my hip. All from my little chubby Tulip,” said Abdul.
On the other hand, if the story is true poor little Tulip is probably lying in a shallow grave in Paula’s back garden now.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON has claimed that she goes for attitude ahead of looks when picking out potential boyfriends.
Which suggests that it must have been the stunning intellect and lightning wit of Justin Timberlake and Josh Hartnett that attracted her to them.
The gorgeous harlot said: “One thing I look for, that isn’t physical, is a healthy confidence. I think it’s the full picture.”
She went on to say: “If somebody is confident in a way you would admire - being strong, funny - that can make someone you might not initially be attracted to more attractive,” a claim that would be that much more believable were she to be seen out with Ricky Gervais or Stephen Merchant at the next award ceremony.
LATINO lovely Jennifer Lopez was in court last week to testify against a writer who claimed she stole his idea for her South Beach TV programme – it’s surprising anyone would want to claim the idea as their own considering the show only lasted about five minutes before it was canned by bosses.
Jack Bunnick claims that voluptuous J.Lo stole his idea from a 1999 pilot of South Beach Miami which was obviously equally enthralling stuff.
Bunnick is seeking unspecified damages and an injunction banning any future broadcasts of South Beach – although he probably won’t have to worry about any other networks fighting for the rights to the show.
J.Lo’s lawyer has claimed that he is only suing her because of her celebrity status and to try and win an obscene amount of compensation.
EVERYONE’S prime candidate for frontline fighting, former soldier James Blunt, partied with Playboy bunnies on a night out in Cannes after his recent split from supermodel Petra Nemcova (right).
The nauseating dullard proved once again that the way to a beautiful girl’s heart is through writing a pathetically bland inoffensive love song that a computer could produce in half the time.
After being treated to a saucy dance from some of the girls, he shared a boat with the ultimate MILF, Pamela Anderson, proving beyond doubt that there is no natural justice in this world and probably no God.
Blunt’s other conquests have included Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.
ABSOLUTELY no men will be crying into their pints after hearing that Amy Winehouse has got married after being engaged for one month to hubby Blake Fielder-Civil.
The body from Baywatch, face from Crimewatch singer tied the knot with the rapscallion having had a long term relationship with him in the past – let’s only hope that he knows what he is letting himself in for.
Having said this, the beaming bride-groom has been criticised by a source close to the couple who claimed: “Blake has been singing, ‘They tried to make me sign a pre-nup, but I said no, no, no’ to the tune of her Rehab song. Some of the people that know him have nicknamed him Anna Nicole Smith because they think he’s only after her money.”
What a classy lad for a very classy lady.
LINDSAY LOHAN’S mum has claimed that her daughter cannot trust anyone in her 78th statement to the press this year about Lindsay’s private life.
According to mother Dina, Lindsay was distraught after a tape was leaked to the News of the World showing Lohan snorting coke in a hotel toilet and had to turn to drugs (presumably) to get over her ordeal.
Lindsay’s mother must be absolutely disgusted that her precious little girl can’t stuff as much party powder up her nose without it getting into the papers.
Dina said that, like Catherine Tate’s Lauren, Lindsay is not bovvered about the tape but its release has made the fragile shrinking violet aware of her own naivety.
The money-grabbing parent said: “We work so hard, then some girl just tried to make money off her. Lindsay doesn’t even know who her friends are,” whilst listening to offers for stories about Lindsay’s childhood.
To be honest, if it wasn’t for little Lindsay’s partying ways, the tabloids would struggle to fill their pages.
IRONING board impersonator Kiera Knightley said she wishes she had bigger breasts like Monica Bellucci – although even Orlando Bloom would be a step up.
The lovely flat-chested star told GMTV: “I would love to have tits!” which sparked a power cut in Surrey as middle-aged women overloaded the telephone network in disgust at such gratuitous language on a family show.
She continued: ”I would love to have Monica Bellucci’s figure. But I’m never going to get it. I’m naturally who I am.”
However, the beautiful Pirates of the Caribbean star said she was not willing to have cosmetic surgery: “Surgery is far too frightening. I couldn’t.”
She criticised the media for not encouraging diversity: “I think it would be great if we saw a wider range of women of all ages, of all shapes and sizes in the media.”
ROBBIE WILLIAMS is quitting his life in the US to come back to the UK – presumably because he is sick of the privacy and the lack of intrusion he is afforded in the country where no one knows him.
The egotistical rehab addict can no longer take walking down the road without anyone recognising him.
He is set to return back to live with his best mate, former You’ve Been Framed presenter Jonathan Wilkes and his family, where they may or may not spend their days watching hilarious home videos of Robbie begging American people to come to his shows and love him.
A source close to Robbie said: “Robbie is coming home to be close to the people who love him. He wants to have fun with his friends and concentrate on getting rid of his demons,” although there is concern that watching his former fat-mate Gary Barlow achieving success once more may send him over the edge for good.
Poor guy.
MEN around the world will be overjoyed with the news that Enrique Iglesias has managed to hold on to the sexiest woman in history Anna Kournikova despite having not much down below.
The Spanish crooner admitted that: “I’d change my penis if I could. It’s way, way, way too small,” before buying a Ferrari Spyder, donning an expensive suit and braying loudly about his wage packet to a load of similarly endowed investment bankers.
This news brings hope to all us, sorry, those small penised men everywhere as does his revelation that he has no plans to marry the Goddess who has descended upon this humble planet to allow male folk a glimpse of her enchanting beauty and give their lives meaning.
“It wouldn’t make a difference,” he said, while stroking a picture of her and telling himself how lucky he was for the 241st time that day.
THE FEEL good factor in Blighty has just risen by 100 per cent as George Michael (right) threatened to leave the UK because of the press intrusion into his life.
The news will cheer up all those that are nearing their return date home as, although the UK may not have beautiful weather, beaches, people etc, at least they won’t have to contend with sharing the land with the sanctimonious know-it-all for long.
He said: “The kind of media coverage I’ve been having, I have started thinking for the first time in my life that actually I shouldn’t be living there.”
He continued: “I have got to think seriously about whether or not my love for my country is keeping me somewhere which is not good for me.”
It is hoped that those grubby paparazzi that have been intruding into his life are paying attention to his concerns and as a consequence are permanently camped outside his house checking his garbage as he throws it out.
SEX BOMB Kelly Brook is proud of her curvy figure having been ashamed of herself when she was growing up (and growing out). Expect Zinedine Zidane to tell of his pride in his decent footballing abilities having been picked last in the playground at school.
The former FHM Sexiest Woman in the World (although, unfathomably, this is a title she shares with Gillian Anderson) said: “I’ve learned to celebrate the way I look, although as a kid I thought I was just a geeky, goofy-looking thing. I could never see what the fuss was all about.”
The fantasy figure continued: “I’ve always embraced my curves and I don’t see why they’re anything to be ashamed of.”
We doubt you will find anyone anywhere in the world that would claim you can possibly be ashamed of them Kelly.
Although judging by the miserable look on her fiancee Billy Zane’s face all the time, maybe he is.
The pretentious prick obviously doesn’t realise just how lucky he.
DOTING family man OJ Simpson was forced to drop his lawsuit against a Kentucky restaurant owner for throwing him out of his establishment.
Jeff Ruby asked him to leave the steakhouse, giving the reason that he did not like the former American footballer’s conduct surrounding the most talked about trial of the 1990s – presumably “his conduct” referred to the whole allegedly murdering his wife thing.
Simpson, realising that his luck in court had to stop at some point, dropped the lawsuit which claimed that the eviction was racially motivated and not anti-murdering-your-wife-ly motivated.
However, Ruby said: “I got a phone call from the Goldman [family of murdered lover Ron] lawyers, and he’s not going to be able to do this lawsuit anyway, because they’ve already taken pre-emptive action in case there is a claim.”
COVER STORY - Demi does Dominoes
MILF DEMI MOORE is betting sexual favours with her schoolboy husband Ashton Kutcher over heated games of dominoes – considering dominoes is a game you generally only play with your gran, you probably won’t want to copy them (unless you’re sick).
The 44-year-old, who is married to 14-year-old wanker Ashton Kutcher, is trying to get pregnant for the fourth time and said they use dominoes as an excuse to get it on.
“We’re both addicted to Mexican train dominoes,” said Demi before deepthroating a nervous-looking Kutcher.
She continued: “It goes up to double 12’s instead of double six and it takes about three hours to play.
“I’m not joking when I say we’re addicted like two to three times a week.
“Maybe we should have some side bets just to you know, encourage sexual favours,” as Kutcher got down on his hands and knees and pleaded with her to put down the dominoes and get into bed.
SLAP-HEADED slapper Britney Spears shot up in her dressing room before hitting the stage last week but before anyone’s imagination starts running riot with heroine or meat injections, it was only vitamins.
Shears said she was feeling in need of a boost before she hit the stage and, presumably, she didn’t have enough time to polish off a bottle of Jack Daniels so asked her doctor to give her the vitamin injection.
After the gig at Miami’s Mansion she partied the night away with friends and even stripped off and jumped into a swimming pool.
Whatever “vitamin” she was taking, we want some of it.
A source close to the slightly unhinged singer said: “She was calling around for a doctor to give her a B12 shot. A doctor shot her up before the show.”
NOTORIOUSLY small-penised Mick Jagger covered his little fella with bees in an attempt to swell it according to one “pal” – he must not have been paying attention when his dad told him about the birds and the bees.
He tried the crazy tactic when filming scenes for the 1981 movie Fitzcarraldo, said movie director Julien Temple – though with friends like these, who needs enemies?
He said: “It involved putting bamboo over the male member and filling it with stinger bees so the member attained the size of the bamboo. Mick spent months in the jungle in Peru. He was going mad out there I think.”
Quite how this could help is not really understandable, but this is an Amazonian marriage ritual – although with some of the films involving Amazonian women hunting for prey in their leopard skin bikinis, it is a miracle that the men would require any help.
IRRITATING American idiot Paula Abdul has broken her nose after tripping over her pet Chihuahua – her spin doctors must have been up all night thinking that one up.
Rumours that she had a drink problem surfaced after she appeared on USA Today at 7am pissed as a fart.
The American Idol judge said she tried to step over her pet pooch but lost her balance and fell flat on her face.
“I bruised myself on my arm, my chest, my waist all the way down to my hip. All from my little chubby Tulip,” said Abdul.
On the other hand, if the story is true poor little Tulip is probably lying in a shallow grave in Paula’s back garden now.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON has claimed that she goes for attitude ahead of looks when picking out potential boyfriends.
Which suggests that it must have been the stunning intellect and lightning wit of Justin Timberlake and Josh Hartnett that attracted her to them.
The gorgeous harlot said: “One thing I look for, that isn’t physical, is a healthy confidence. I think it’s the full picture.”
She went on to say: “If somebody is confident in a way you would admire - being strong, funny - that can make someone you might not initially be attracted to more attractive,” a claim that would be that much more believable were she to be seen out with Ricky Gervais or Stephen Merchant at the next award ceremony.
LATINO lovely Jennifer Lopez was in court last week to testify against a writer who claimed she stole his idea for her South Beach TV programme – it’s surprising anyone would want to claim the idea as their own considering the show only lasted about five minutes before it was canned by bosses.
Jack Bunnick claims that voluptuous J.Lo stole his idea from a 1999 pilot of South Beach Miami which was obviously equally enthralling stuff.
Bunnick is seeking unspecified damages and an injunction banning any future broadcasts of South Beach – although he probably won’t have to worry about any other networks fighting for the rights to the show.
J.Lo’s lawyer has claimed that he is only suing her because of her celebrity status and to try and win an obscene amount of compensation.
EVERYONE’S prime candidate for frontline fighting, former soldier James Blunt, partied with Playboy bunnies on a night out in Cannes after his recent split from supermodel Petra Nemcova (right).
The nauseating dullard proved once again that the way to a beautiful girl’s heart is through writing a pathetically bland inoffensive love song that a computer could produce in half the time.
After being treated to a saucy dance from some of the girls, he shared a boat with the ultimate MILF, Pamela Anderson, proving beyond doubt that there is no natural justice in this world and probably no God.
Blunt’s other conquests have included Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.
ABSOLUTELY no men will be crying into their pints after hearing that Amy Winehouse has got married after being engaged for one month to hubby Blake Fielder-Civil.
The body from Baywatch, face from Crimewatch singer tied the knot with the rapscallion having had a long term relationship with him in the past – let’s only hope that he knows what he is letting himself in for.
Having said this, the beaming bride-groom has been criticised by a source close to the couple who claimed: “Blake has been singing, ‘They tried to make me sign a pre-nup, but I said no, no, no’ to the tune of her Rehab song. Some of the people that know him have nicknamed him Anna Nicole Smith because they think he’s only after her money.”
What a classy lad for a very classy lady.
LINDSAY LOHAN’S mum has claimed that her daughter cannot trust anyone in her 78th statement to the press this year about Lindsay’s private life.
According to mother Dina, Lindsay was distraught after a tape was leaked to the News of the World showing Lohan snorting coke in a hotel toilet and had to turn to drugs (presumably) to get over her ordeal.
Lindsay’s mother must be absolutely disgusted that her precious little girl can’t stuff as much party powder up her nose without it getting into the papers.
Dina said that, like Catherine Tate’s Lauren, Lindsay is not bovvered about the tape but its release has made the fragile shrinking violet aware of her own naivety.
The money-grabbing parent said: “We work so hard, then some girl just tried to make money off her. Lindsay doesn’t even know who her friends are,” whilst listening to offers for stories about Lindsay’s childhood.
To be honest, if it wasn’t for little Lindsay’s partying ways, the tabloids would struggle to fill their pages.
IRONING board impersonator Kiera Knightley said she wishes she had bigger breasts like Monica Bellucci – although even Orlando Bloom would be a step up.
The lovely flat-chested star told GMTV: “I would love to have tits!” which sparked a power cut in Surrey as middle-aged women overloaded the telephone network in disgust at such gratuitous language on a family show.
She continued: ”I would love to have Monica Bellucci’s figure. But I’m never going to get it. I’m naturally who I am.”
However, the beautiful Pirates of the Caribbean star said she was not willing to have cosmetic surgery: “Surgery is far too frightening. I couldn’t.”
She criticised the media for not encouraging diversity: “I think it would be great if we saw a wider range of women of all ages, of all shapes and sizes in the media.”
ROBBIE WILLIAMS is quitting his life in the US to come back to the UK – presumably because he is sick of the privacy and the lack of intrusion he is afforded in the country where no one knows him.
The egotistical rehab addict can no longer take walking down the road without anyone recognising him.
He is set to return back to live with his best mate, former You’ve Been Framed presenter Jonathan Wilkes and his family, where they may or may not spend their days watching hilarious home videos of Robbie begging American people to come to his shows and love him.
A source close to Robbie said: “Robbie is coming home to be close to the people who love him. He wants to have fun with his friends and concentrate on getting rid of his demons,” although there is concern that watching his former fat-mate Gary Barlow achieving success once more may send him over the edge for good.
Poor guy.
MEN around the world will be overjoyed with the news that Enrique Iglesias has managed to hold on to the sexiest woman in history Anna Kournikova despite having not much down below.
The Spanish crooner admitted that: “I’d change my penis if I could. It’s way, way, way too small,” before buying a Ferrari Spyder, donning an expensive suit and braying loudly about his wage packet to a load of similarly endowed investment bankers.
This news brings hope to all us, sorry, those small penised men everywhere as does his revelation that he has no plans to marry the Goddess who has descended upon this humble planet to allow male folk a glimpse of her enchanting beauty and give their lives meaning.
“It wouldn’t make a difference,” he said, while stroking a picture of her and telling himself how lucky he was for the 241st time that day.
THE FEEL good factor in Blighty has just risen by 100 per cent as George Michael (right) threatened to leave the UK because of the press intrusion into his life.
The news will cheer up all those that are nearing their return date home as, although the UK may not have beautiful weather, beaches, people etc, at least they won’t have to contend with sharing the land with the sanctimonious know-it-all for long.
He said: “The kind of media coverage I’ve been having, I have started thinking for the first time in my life that actually I shouldn’t be living there.”
He continued: “I have got to think seriously about whether or not my love for my country is keeping me somewhere which is not good for me.”
It is hoped that those grubby paparazzi that have been intruding into his life are paying attention to his concerns and as a consequence are permanently camped outside his house checking his garbage as he throws it out.
SEX BOMB Kelly Brook is proud of her curvy figure having been ashamed of herself when she was growing up (and growing out). Expect Zinedine Zidane to tell of his pride in his decent footballing abilities having been picked last in the playground at school.
The former FHM Sexiest Woman in the World (although, unfathomably, this is a title she shares with Gillian Anderson) said: “I’ve learned to celebrate the way I look, although as a kid I thought I was just a geeky, goofy-looking thing. I could never see what the fuss was all about.”
The fantasy figure continued: “I’ve always embraced my curves and I don’t see why they’re anything to be ashamed of.”
We doubt you will find anyone anywhere in the world that would claim you can possibly be ashamed of them Kelly.
Although judging by the miserable look on her fiancee Billy Zane’s face all the time, maybe he is.
The pretentious prick obviously doesn’t realise just how lucky he.
DOTING family man OJ Simpson was forced to drop his lawsuit against a Kentucky restaurant owner for throwing him out of his establishment.
Jeff Ruby asked him to leave the steakhouse, giving the reason that he did not like the former American footballer’s conduct surrounding the most talked about trial of the 1990s – presumably “his conduct” referred to the whole allegedly murdering his wife thing.
Simpson, realising that his luck in court had to stop at some point, dropped the lawsuit which claimed that the eviction was racially motivated and not anti-murdering-your-wife-ly motivated.
However, Ruby said: “I got a phone call from the Goldman [family of murdered lover Ron] lawyers, and he’s not going to be able to do this lawsuit anyway, because they’ve already taken pre-emptive action in case there is a claim.”
NEWS - MUSIC
PROG rockers Muse have had their pseudo-intellectual fans stroking their wispy goatee beards with confusion after announcing a bizarre support line-up for their forthcoming gigs at Wembley Stadium.
The ever so avant garde trio play the new national stadium on June 16 and 17, and seemingly wracked their brains to find the shittest support acts on the face of the earth.
The Streets will bore everyone with their very own blend of pointless mockney ramblings on Saturday night (June 16) along with Mexican guitar duo Rodrigo Y Gabriela. Their names need no introduction.
If that wasn’t bad enough, Sunday sees eyeliner-wearing freaks, My Chemical Romance whipping angst-ridden teenagers into a frenzy of parental hatred while Biffy Clyro provides the icing on the cake.
Zane Lowe will spin someone else’s records on a turntable, thereby earning himself the ill-deserved adoration of thousands of E’d up girls on both nights.
IN BETWEEN singing sissy songs about how much she loves everyone, bovine strumpet Natasha Bedingfield has found time to hit out against repugnant (yet eminently shaggable) little chav Cheryl Cole (right) for calling Cockney darling of the indie charts, Lily Allen a “chick with a dick.”
Cheryl and Lily have been pulling each other’s pigtails for weeks now and it seems Natasha is siding with fellow Londoner Lily. She said: “I just don’t understand it. Lily is an amazing artist.
“I don’t respect people who try to get on with their career by putting down other artists,” she added.
Cheryl’s comments led to Lily writing a MySpace blog saying she felt “fat and ugly.” Natasha spoke of her own self image saying: “I can’t bare to watch videos of some of my performances because I think I look fat.” You’re the one who said it Natasha.
RUBBER lipped love-god Sir Mick Jagger has hit back at claims by his ex-wife Jerry Hall that he is tighter than a duck’s arse with his money.
Catty Hall made her bitchy comments in a recent interview with London’s thrilling paper, the Evening Standard, sniping: “He always wanted me to pay everything to do with the house and the children which I didn’t mind, I guess, because I had the money. But, yeah, he’s pretty tight with the day-to-day stuff.”
The scrotum-skinned rocker was apparently fuming at the accusations. “I find her remarks absurd,” he winced as a nubile teenage model shuffled too heavily on his arthritic knee. “I have always paid all expenses for the children as well as the lion’s share of the costs relating to her lifestyle, and been more than happy to do so.”
When a judge annulled their disastrous marriage in 1999, Jerry walked away with her yapping poodle, thumbing her way through a cool £10 million. She also bagged their house in Richmond, Southwest London, valued at a mere £2m at the time.
OVER-RATED duo, The White Stripes recently got their act together sufficiently to play their first gig together in two years. Jack and Meg played to a sold-out if not exactly monstrously sized audience of 1,000 at the Cannery Ballroom in Jack’s new hometown Nashville, Tennessee, last week.
Those wanting tickets had to be quicker than a priest pouncing an altar boy as the pre-tour gig sold out in five minutes having been announced 48 hours prior to the event. It was their first performance since December 2005.
During the two year gig hiatus, Jack has worked on his side project The Raconteurs as well as recording a new album with Meg titled Icky Thump.
The pair played a selection of their hits from the last ten years as well as a cover of Hank Williams Sr’s Tennessee Border. Icky Thump is due for release on June 18.
ROGER DALTREY has slammed the forthcoming Live Earth gigs for being un-environmental, rightly pointing out that rock concerts actually use quite a bit of energy themselves.
The Who frontman said: “Bollocks to that. The last thing the planet needs is a rock concert. Let’s burn even more fuel. We have problems with global warming, but the questions and the answers are so huge I don’t know what a rock concert’s ever going to do to help.”
But he undermined his good work by then providing his own solution to the problem: “My answer is to burn all the fucking oil as quick as possible and then the politicians will have to find a solution,” which, as well as being ridiculous, supports the concept of a fuel-burning concert.
Although Bob Geldof criticised the event, Daltrey was in no mood to bow to the master of “world changing” rock concerts: “What did we really achieve at Live 8? We got loads of platitudes and no action. Who were we kidding there?”
JUST when you thought Keith Richards could not be any cooler, he comes out with a rant against gangsta rappers. The guitarist, who recently told of how he snorted his father’s ashes, rallied against the genre for its lack of any musical basis and pathetic attitude.
“Hip-hop leaves me cold. But there are some people out there who think it’s the meaning of life,” he told Rolling Stone magazine. “I don’t wanna be yelled at, I wanna be sung to.”
The Greatest Living Englishman explained that there is very little going for it: “I never really understood why someone would want to have some gangster from L.A. poking his fingers in your face,” he added. “As I say, it don’t grab me. I mean the rhythms are boring - they’re all done on computers.”
So that rules out the little talked about collaboration between the Rolling Stones and Timbaland then – but he better watch before some gansta pops a cap in yo ass.
THE WORLD’S tiniest man, Prince, left fans disappointed as he refused to play many of his old hits and didn’t do anything that confirmed his status as oddest man alive.
The 4ft 2in singer came on to the stage at Camden’s Koko club at midnight and played mainly stuff from his last album from way, way after he was any good.
He did finally play classics such as Kiss and Girls & Boys which woke the crowd up from their stupor.
The only real moment of inexplicable oddness arose when a fan gave him a peck on the cheek and he went down on the floor like Cristiano Ronaldo after a soft tackle. He later came out with a bandaged head and moaning, ridiculing the notion that he just needs your extra time and your (uh) kiss.
At Chinawhite later in the evening, bodyguards made sure no-one shook his hand, a precaution he takes to make sure his fragile four-stone body is not shattered by a manly handshake.
POOR Britney’s comeback gigs are going from bad to worse after a backing track stuck and fans started booing.
The skin-head head-case was singing Do Something when the CD started skipping while the audience feared that this time she would finally lose it for good.
According to one audience member: “She looked horrified…she tried to carry on but some of the crowd started booing.” But luckily things turned out OK: “Eventually the track became unstuck and Britney carried on like a pro,” and the bottle of Jack Daniels and extra strong sleeping tablets at the side of the stage remained untouched.
The poor girl, who should not be forgotten as the outrageously sexy minx in a schoolgirl’s uniform all those years ago, has previously been criticised for miming the words, but she could be clearly heard singing at the gig in Orlando, Florida.
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