.: Cath’s Blog:.

A SICK mother has been banned from ever having custody of her children again after making them fight each other for the amusement of her family – but the evil woman escaped a jail term that would have seen her become Big Pat’s bitch.
Possibly the least aptly named person since Italian thug defender Claudio Gentile, Zara Care from Plymouth told her two-year-old son and three-year-old daughter to fight for her and her fellow scummy mum and sisters’ pleasure and filmed the incident on a mobile phone.
As the reluctant toddlers fought it out, her son dressed in a nappy and a t-shirt took a blow and climbed onto an armchair – as he tells her he doesn’t want to fight, Care tells him “Get up. Don’t be a wimp all your life” then refers to him as a “faggot.”
The video was found by chance by the father and the children are now in the care of the father’s parents. Hopefully it won’t be too long before the evil sisters and their mother are made to fight for the amusement of Cell Block D.

THE BRITISH Medical Association has called for packs of 10 cigarettes to be banned in a bid to cut the amount of teenage smokers and the amount of young street corner chavs trying to scrounge 10p off you for a packet of “bennies.”
The proposals would also outlaw vending machines in pubs, clubs and hotels and would require shops to have a license to sell tobacco.
This will be the first step of a long-term plan which will culminate in laws being brought in to ensure that anyone found smoking will be put in stocks in the centre of the town for the townsfolk to throw rotten tomatoes at.
The BMA has previously called on the government to outlaw double measures of spirits, to regulate fast food outlets and to consider banning fun altogether.
Why they want to ban anyone from smoking is beyond us and until they come up with some hard evidence that smoking effects the human body adversely then we will continue to enjoy 60 a day.

WHITE van men claim that they are “impeccable” drivers, according to a survey by The Sun.
It could be argued that were The Sun to say anything else against the cocky Essex boys, its circulation figures would be halved at a stroke.
The poll was to mark the phrase “white van man’s” tenth anniversary and 93 per cent of those questioned said they never put a foot wrong on the roads, as other drivers had to swerve into lay-bys to avoid the maniacs doing a phone survey while hitting 120mph on the motorway.
Only three per cent of those questioned confessed to jumping a red light – confessed probably being the operative word.
Eight out of ten claimed to have never made a rude hand gesture, though the survey was ambiguous as to whether a “rude hand gesture” included Nazi salutes.

TAKING petty to a new level, British Airways has been accused of airbrushing arch-rival Richard Branson out of its in-flight version of Casino Royale.
The Virgin boss briefly featured at an airport security scanner but in the BA version can only be seen from the back. It was also alleged that a shot of a Virgin plane tail fin had also been obscured.
A spokesman for BA said that they regularly “ edit films on the grounds of taste and suitability.” To be fair to them, seeing that smarmy publicity-hungry Virgin boss’ face is very bad taste indeed.

PIZZA diners waiting for a nine inch slice of sausage and cheese did not expect the level of service that saw a man enter a London restaurant and cut off his manhood with a kitchen knife.
The 35-year-old maniac leapt on a table, dropped his trousers and Bobbited himself, leading diners to run out of the restaurant – though this being London’s West End, they may have simply been wishing to avoid the expected astronomical bill.
Quick thinking policemen rescued the organ after spraying the Polish man with CS gas and surgeons were attempting to re-attach it.
Police were unsure whether he was suffering from mental illness or if it was just an extreme way of getting oral sex.

SCIENTISTS claim that the “electronic smog” from mobile phones and the internet means that our generation are highly at risk of developing brain tumours - and could even suffer from senile dementia as early as our forties.
A study found that people who have used mobiles for more than ten years are 40 per cent more likely to get a brain tumour on the same side of the head as they hold their handset; other research suggests that the risk is almost four times as great. Research from Sweden claims that the radiation kills off brain cells, which could lead to today’s younger generation going senile in their forties and fifties.
There certainly does seem to be some connection between stupidity and people who constantly chat loud shit on their mobiles - and this study seems to explain why.
Professor Lawrie Challis, who heads the Government’s official mobile safety research, this year said that the mobile could turn out to be “the cigarette of the 21st century.”

THE LOW prices at British supermarkets are a direct result of slave labour and the denial of basic human rights for workers in some of the world’s poorest countries says a report by Action Aid.
While that news might get Bono and Chris Martin’s diamond studded knickers in a twist, the average working man or woman will always choose the cheap option without stopping to think why the products are so cheap.
However, it is a vicious circle and someone has to take responsibility - as long as people buy the products the fat cats won’t give a toss about workers’ rights.
An investigation found that supermarkets were paying wages of as little as 5p an hour in some Bangladeshi garment factories, while in India some workers processing cashew nuts were being paid just 30p a day. Greedy sods, no wonder cashews cost a fortune.

AS BRITAIN’S streets descend into apocalyptic scenes of gang violence and the terrorist threat looms larger than ever, police are wasting time over incidents as trivial as a lost shutllecock.
An officer was sent to Rachel and Jon Palmer ‘s house to question them over a missing shuttlecock, after some unbelievably petty neighbours phoned the police.
Two 13-year-old girls lost the shuttlecock while playing in a neighbouring garden earlier that day and asked the Palmers if they had seen it.
Rachel Palmer said: “I told them if I stumbled across it I’d throw it over the fence to them.
“Later on they came back and asked Jon if it was in the garden.
“He had another look and he couldn’t find it either. But at 8pm that night a police officer knocked on the door, which woke up the children.”
“When he told me he was investigating a missing shuttlecock I thought Jeremy Beadle would jump out from behind him. “Surely they have much more pressing things to deal with than a 50p shuttlecock?”

A GANG of villains may be targeting mockney muppet Jamie Oliver, after two robberies in two weeks at restaurants linked to him.
The do-gooding toff, who likes to come across as if he was raised in Brixton, put up a £150,000 reward last week after masked thugs snatched up to £10,000 from his parents’ rural pub. It emerged that the raiders knocked a kitchen worker in his 80s to the ground while robbing posh Jamie’s parents’ pub. What the f**k is an 80-year-old doing working in a busy kitchen? What kind of sweatshop are they running? Do Jamie’s folks crack the whip over a kitchen full of geriatric slaves?
Jamie’s pukka Fifteen restaurant in London was the scene of a similar £10,000 heist just four days earlier.
A gang of four masked men ambushed a young employee as she went to bank Easter weekend takings.
Scotland Yard said: “They grabbed her and took the money. No weapons were used but it was nasty.” Sounds like she handed over the cash pretty easily. Why should some skint kitchen hand risk a beating for loaded Oliver?
No doubt well ’ard geezer Jamie would just have nutted the lot of them and sent them packing.

TEENAGERS who regularly use cannabis are more likely than drinkers to suffer from mental illness, have relationship problems, and fail to get decent qualifications or jobs.
Heavy man, but don’t worry, your short term memory will be so destroyed that you won’t have to worry for long. Just blaze another fatty and inhale your worries away.
“Cannabis really does look like the drug of choice for life’s future losers,” says Professor George Patton, who conducted the 10-year study that followed the fortunes of 1,900 schoolchildren until they were 25. “It’s the young people who were using cannabis in their teens who were doing really badly in terms of their mental health. They were also less likely to be working, have qualifications or be in a relationship and more likely to be taking other drugs.”

A HUSBAND was so frustrated by his wife’s refusal to have sex with him that he called 999.
He then complained to the completely baffled operator that he was being denied his “matrimonial rights” and asked for an ambulance crew to “examine” her.
However, the jobsworth operator refused to help, informing the man that, although a rock- hard-cock and nowhere to put it may qualify as an emergency in his book, it was not one they could help with.
A spokesman for South Central Ambulance Service said: “We get some inappropriate calls from people who think they need an ambulance and this comes pretty near the top of the list.”

IRISH glamour models are hitting back at a Green Party councillor’s attack on the government’s use of them in publicity shots in such relevant issues as water conservation.
Councillor Maher made the attack after the Environment Minister Dick Roche was pictured with two stunnas calling for citizens to not waste water.
But leading glamour model Andrea Rochequite rightly said: “It would not have made it into the papers if the models weren’t there,” before pouting menacingly and flicking her hair in an aggressive manner.
She continued: “It’s become the thing to slag models and I am sick of it, to be honest. There are a broad range of jobs in modelling, and photo calls to promote launches and events are just one of them. They are our bread and butter, but we get slagged for it.”
Bertie Ahern is expected to announce his election campaign shortly with help from his spokeswoman on fiscal monetary policy, Keeley, and his new adviser on fisheries and farming - Nicola T, 21, Croydon.

A FIANNA Fail election candidate has landed himself in trouble after his Bebo page was linked to videos of youths binge-drinking.
Concillor Pat Fitzgerald got a family friend to help him compile the video which culminated in him speaking about policy from his couch, which he expected to get many hits from young voters. Somewhat surprisingly, it didn’t.
But he was in for a nasty shock when he found out that his helpful co-creator posted videos of a group of lads using beer bongs and placing cooking pots over their heads and ramming into one another.
Cllr Fitzgerald, on the point of tears, said: “I am 100 per cent innocent in this…I don’t in any way condone drinking of this sort, and my career in politics reflects this.”

ANYONE in the Dublin area who complains of a slight headache better keep quiet after a leading brain surgeon said services at Beaumont Hospital were “obscene.”
Professor Ciaran Bolger said that most of the equipment is up to 20 years out of date. “The stuff is ancient and is constantly breaking down during operations.” A heart-warming thought if you are just about to go in for a lobotomy.
He continued: “People are literally dying waiting to get into this hospital…Unfortunately, everyone is treated the same way - badly. We need twice as many neurosurgeons and twice as many beds and we need more operating sessions.”
He told this to makers of Surgeons, a documentary to be shown on RTE. It has to be remembered though that this is only brain surgery – it’s hardly rocket science, is it?

ROLLING STONES’ legend Mick Jagger seen a UFO back in the 60s and became so obsessed with extra-terrestrials that he had a UFO detector fitted at his home.
Mick spotted the UFO while camping at Glastonbury in 1968; coincidence? Mick, as well as countless thousands of others at the height of the swinging 60s, may possibly have indulged in some mind-altering substances, which may explain his E.T. encounter.
“In 1968 he went camping in Glastonbury with his then girlfriend, singer Marianne Faithful, and encountered a rare, luminous cigar-shaped mothership,” claims Michael C. Luckman, who couldn’t possibly be trying to get some publicity for his book about rock stars and aliens.
Keith Richards has also admitted to “seeing a few.” He is actually an alien sent on a fact-finding mission about the human race but ended up having such a good-time getting hammered that he isn’t going home.move the car.

ALEC BALDWIN was caught calling his daughter a “thoughtless little pig” in a message left on her mobile phone.
Despite the poor girl only being 11, Baldwin told her that he had, “had enough of her” and “she didn’t have the brains or decency as a human being.”
The rant at his daughter, who no doubt will be heading for drug and drink rehab by the time she’s 13, was because she failed to answer a call from her dad – do you blame her?
Baldwin has since apologised for his rant at his daughter, Ireland, but he immediately lost his visiting rights as he and Kim Bassinger are locked in a custody battle for the girl.
Baldwin said he lost it with his daughter because of political alienation – talk about taking it out on the ones you love most.

IT MUST be like watching a train crash for her family so Britney’s parents have issued a statement apologising for the screwball’s antics and the sacking of her ridiculously named manager Larry Rudolph.
Speaking about sending the fruitcake to rehab, Britney’s dad Jamie said: “Larry was doing what her mother, father and a team of professionals knew needed to be done. She was out of control.
“The family would like to publicly apologise to Larry for our daughter’s statements about him. We will forever be grateful to him. Of course Britney wasn’t going to stand for her parents talking on her behalf and actually making some sense so she thought she’d prove that the rehab did nothing for her.
“I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship.”

AFTER sticking by American toss-pot Jesse Metcalfe when he went into rehab for drinking a half-pint shandy or something, the ungrateful loser has been dumped by Nadine Coyle for cheating on her.
Only an absolute idiot would cheat on someone as hot as Nadine and you can guarantee he’s regretting it now.
The Desperate Housewives star was seen holding hands and in a passionate embrace with another girl as poor Nadine worked her hot little arse off filming a movie back in Blighty.
The gorgeous little Irish fox said: “It’s over between me and Jesse. I’m not the kind of girl to put up with nonsense like that. “I’ll meet the right person when the time is right.”
The time seems perfect to us so what are you waiting for Nadine?

POSH bumbling ballbag Hugh Grant showed a vicious nasty streak that he has managed to hide all these years when he attacked an over zealous photographer with a can of baked beans.
Photographer Ian Whittaker said he was snapping the actor near his home when he “flipped” and started chasing the photographer before throwing the beans.
Grant was arrested for GBBH – Grevious Baked Bean Harm – and released on bail after the incident that took place on Tuesday. Whittaker said: “It was the kind of thing you expect Pete Doherty to do, not Hugh Grant.”
The photographer said that Grant was abusive to him and kicked and punched him after he had thrown the beans.
You can almost guarantee the snapper will be after a big pay off because he begins to shake uncontrollably and cry at the mere mention of a tin of baked beans.
Reports that Grant will now star in a TV advert for Heinze with the new slogan “Heinze Means Trouble” are so far unconfirmed.

THICKO Victoria Beckham agreed to look after a pair of lambs for chef Gordon Ramsay for his F-Word show but was left shocked and angry when she learned that the lambs would be slaughtered and eaten on his show.
The rake-thin vegetarian, who looks like she could use a few fry-ups, agreed to let the lambs roam around on her 25 acre Hertfordshire home but did not realise that they were being fattened up to be killed on the show.
“There is no way she would have agreed to it if she had known what his plans were. She is less than impressed,” said a spokesman for Victoria who sat in the background eating a stick of celery, trying to summon the energy to stand up.

KATIE HOLMES, the “wife” of most-certainly-not-gay Tom Cruise, is set to ditch Scientology and go back to being a Catholic. Katie has apparently been contacting old friends, family members and priests behind her very heterosexual husband’s back (a place usually reserved for male colleagues) with a view to returning to Catholicism.
A friend close to her claimed: “She wanted to talk to someone not in Camp Cruise” – not that we are claiming anyone has recently been in Camp Cruise (or Tom as he is also known) in case his lawyers are reading.
Why Katie would wish to leave a religion that claims that a ruler named Xenu brought aliens to Earth 75 million years ago who were then blown up in a volcano and their souls are still wreaking havoc on Earth is baffling.
The friend went on to claim that Katie also wants to raise baby Suri in “kiddie Catholicism.” Insert your own punch-line here.

DESPITE being the kiss-of-death to every movie she has ever been near, Madonna has decided to follow in the footsteps of husband Guy Ritchie and direct a low-budget comedy. Oh dear.
Without any shadow of a doubt, the movie will be absolutely horrendous and will be slated by everyone who sees it.
Ever the out-of-touch-with-reality star, Madge is determined to go ahead with the film, which will no-doubt have her husband pissing his pants, not because it’s a good comedy but because of the inept direction.
An insider said: “Madonna has Guy’s full support. She told him, ‘Anything you can do, I can do better, honey’.”
It’s surprising she can find the time to do it considering she’s busy adopting half of Africa and telling us all how we should live our lives.

GRAVITY defying trouser wearer Simon Cowell’s £6 million house was burgled by thieves after the acid-tongued tosser left his keys with contractors.
The American Idol judge is said to be devastated after the thieves made off with thousands of pounds worth of jewellery, electrical equipment and extremely high trousers.
Police have rubbed salt in Cowell’s wounds by telling him his decision to leave the keys with a bunch of workies was “unwise.”

FLAT-CHESTED bag-of-bones Keira Knightley has delighted her boyfriend by declaring she loves filming sex scenes.
The star first got her baps out at the age of 16 in the aptly titled movie The Hole and since then she just hasn’t been able to put them away.
“Sex scenes are easy. I don’t have a problem with them. Actually it was quite liberating in the movie Domino to be out in the middle of the desert completely topless with a beautiful Venezuelan guy,” she purred, as the film crew drooled over her as she spoke. No doubt her boyfriend well be peeking nervously at the DVD extras.

JORDAN and Peter Andre’s hopes of becoming the new Posh and Becks has went tits- up, after the first airing of their U.S. fly-on-the-wall series was slated.
Viewers began to turn off in their droves because they couldn’t understand what Jordan was saying, they thought Peter was painfully dull and that nothing happened in the show.
Just goes to show these Americans really do know nothing, Jordan has a fine command English and Peter, well, he has a magnetic personality and a degree of charm that would shame even James Bond.
One TV reviewer described Jordan as an oompa loompa with tits – that’s not very fair. What have the oompa loompas ever done to annoy her?
One viewer said: “I can’t understand a thing Katie says. Her tubby hubby is almost as bad.
“I’m still watching - but I’ve put it on mute. We have enough trashy people in America. Did you have to go to another country to find losers?” Surprisngly sensible view from a yank actually.

TRASHY slapper Paris Hilton showed exactly what a deceitful little bitch she is by getting up close and personal with her so-called mate Britney Spears’ ex at a Las Vegas nightclub.
Paris was also seen with pop bore James Blunt this week proving that she really is as big a slag as her reputation suggests.
It also proves that she has a serious penchant for complete and utter tossers.
Paris seems to have forgotten all about her “best friend” Britney and moved right in on Kevin Federline, once again proving that women love a bastard.
Britney was told by advisers to ditch the heir head as a friend because it could seriously affect her music career - because the shit music wasn’t an issue.
It seems as soon as Britney was no longer hanging out with Paris that the little amateur porn-star has got her claws into the talentless Kevin Federline.

PROVING that she is quite happy to take it from any guy, pathetic bore James Blunt was caught getting it on with Paris Hilton.
The heir head was seen dancing with and kissing the tediously boring singer at a Los Angeles nightclub – surely it must have been past Blunt’s bedtime?
A witness said: “Paris and James danced and held hands then they just started making out.
They looked like they were really into each other and everyone was just staring at them. No-one could believe it.”
Reports that Blunt was then seen running from the club shouting: “I kissed a girl!” are unconfirmed.
What’s the bet that the painfully dull Blunt started singing his cheesy hit You’re Beautiful to the little blonde bint?
Blunt probably can’t wait to get back to the UK to tell all his friends at the bridge club who he kissed when he was in America.

TOP-HEAVY Pamela Anderson has written a letter to the new Russian partners of the fast food company KFC to urge them to abandon their merger with the “cruel” company.
Whether the Russians will take the plea of a busty blonde actress who is famous for wearing very little and getting pummelled in a dodgy home made porno is not yet known.
Pammie says she wants everyone to boycott KFC until the company use suppliers who do not mistreat chickens.
According to her, the companies that KFC use scald chickens when they’re still alive and feed them so much that the cannot stand. Sounds Rick Waller’s idea of an all inclusive holiday.
Meanwhile, Pammie said she is going to start going to the gym after seeing a picture of herself and being disappointed.
She said: “I thought I looked better than that in my head. I’m going to try to get my body back.” Now that sounds finger lickin’ good.

JUST when we thought there would be something actually worth going to the movies for, Lindsay Lohan has pulled out of a film which was to feature a steamy threesome scene with Keira Knightley and some lucky bloke.
Lohan was due to star in the movie The Best of Times.
However, the foxy little booze-hound has pulled out of the movie, claiming she was unhappy with changes in her contract. Given that she is reportedly getting it on with a female DJ in real life, you would think she’d love the chance to get it on with another chick in a movie too.
A friend of Lohan’s said: “She didn’t back out and the producers didn’t pull the deal but there were changes that weren’t to her liking and that was that.”
Maybe her new girlfriend was getting jealous at the thought of her getting it on with Keira Knightley.

PRETENTIOUS recluse Morrissey has snubbed the US Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because he won’t share a stage with his old Smiths bandmates – not one to hold a grudge is old Morrissey.
The band were invited to attend the bash in honour of their induction to the hall of fame but Morrissey refused because he did not want to share a stage with Smiths drummer Mike Joyce, who he has never forgiven following the pair’s court case over royalties. Surely they can kiss and make up? Morrissey is known to be a happy-go-lucky sort.

SCOTTISH music festival T in the Park seems to be going from strength to strength, so why did the organisers think it would be a good idea to book Badly Drawn Boy?
Teenage cock-rocker Avril Lavigne has also been announced ensuring a healthy stream of angsty sulking teenage boys with weird hair and ridiculous clothes through the gates.
Brummie veterans Ocean Colour Scene will also play the festival, which for the first time will be a three day event, running from July 6-8.

ROLLING Stones plans to play a gig at Serbia’s Hippodrome have been stopped dead in their tracks after animal rights protestors said it will cause immense distress to the 300 horses housed there.
However, it is not known if any of the horses have been asked for their preference on the Stones’ music.
Those horses who enjoy the music could be allowed to stay and those who say they’ve always been more of a Beatles kind of horse could surely be housed in another stable until after the gig.
ORCA, Serbia’s largest animal protection society, are lobbying to have the show moved to another venue, as loud noise and vibration are proven to be a major source of upset for animals.
Plans have been made to sedate any horses that become distressed. There will surely be one or two substances in Keith Richards’ dressing room that would ensure the horses sleep like babies through the concert.

AS IF Beyonce hasn’t got enough to worry about what with every guy on the planet wanting to bone her, now it’s been announced that she’s being sued by nineties singer Des’ree.
She was the one who wrote the immortal words: “I’m afraid of a ghost It’s the thing I fear the most I’d rather have a piece of toast” on the single Am I right?
It turns out that Beyonce has covered one of Des’ree’s songs on her album - although it’s unclear why in the world she would want to do that without her permission.
Now Des’ree’s management (do you need a manager to play working-mans’ clubs and old folks’ homes?) say they want the distribution of the song, I’m Kissing You, stopped.
Beyonce may settle out of court if Des’ree agrees to write the lyrics for her next album.

SPITEFUL ageing trout Sharon Osbourne has once again proved that she is just as acid-tongued as any young pretender by saying that she hopes Queens of the Stone Age frontman Josh Homme “gets syphilis and dies” – what a lovely lady.
She made the comments after the rocker said he would not do another Ozzfest, which is organised by her and husband Ozzy, because “they treat the bands like shit.”
Sharon didn’t let the comments upset her and responded by saying: “I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick f**king falls off so his mother can eat it.”
No wonder she has produced two such lovely and well-adjusted children.

FAT dancer Robbie Williams says he’s happier than he has been for years after coming off the drink – thank God, we were all worried sick.
The egomaniac singer says he no longer wants to crack America because he’s happy being anonymous in the States, even though it’s doubtful that he would ever crack anything other than his own weak mind anyway.

IF YOU asked a bunch of adolescent boys, or any bloke actually, to draw something, anything, then the chances are he’d draw a big cock and the artier types might even draw a few drops of sperm too.
Young Sheffield scamps, the Arctic Monkeys, aren’t becoming all hippie or pretentious on us just yet as their new album called Favourite Worst Nightmare, which was released in the UK this week, features loads of dicks on the sleeve.
A source close to the band said: “It’s mad psychedelic shit with lots of cocks. Lots of pink cocks. It has lots of little sperm with heads and there’s a giant holding a severed cock.”
Maybe the band will want to do a tour with Shakira, as her album was called Oral Fixation.

U2’S ALWAYS bored-looking guitarist The Edge has auctioned off the only guitar he has toured with since the 1980s to help raise $2 million for victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Surely with all the money the band have saved in tax after taking their accounts offshore, they could have punted a couple more million into the kitty.
Other items that were auctioned off at the Hard Rock Café in Times Square, New York, were a guitar used by Jimi Hendrix, a Fender guitar used by Bob Dylan and a guitar used by Paul McCartney. Bono was going to put his soul up for auction but remembered he sold that to some big red guy years ago.

LEGENDARY rocker and all-round psycho Iggy Pop celebrated hitting 60 – a brilliant feat for any rock star – with a concert in San Francisco.
Balloons with his image fell from the ceiling and fans sang: “Happy Birthday Iggy.”
The punk icon managed to mumble thanks before he returned to his normal spitting, telling the crowd to f**k off and contorting his haggered body into imaginative shapes.
The Stooges’ frontman completed the gig with a stagedive which would no doubt have scared his aides who would have feared a broken hip, or him losing his false teeth in the crowd.

HOT pop-tottie Gwen Stefani insists on organic fruit and vegetables as well as 30 bottles of vitamin water and menus for the area’s best restaurants for every gig – no wonder she looks so good aged 74.
The singers’ buffet tour table must be finished with fine white cloth and full silver cutlery set in her dressing room and include unbleached almonds, organic cashew nuts, cucumbers, beetroot, carrots, spinach, parsley, celery, seasonal berries, melons and organic ranch dressing. You have to feel sorry for the person who goes into the toilet after her.
She also insists on bright lights and scented candles – don’t we all?
“I’ve always been on a diet, ever since I was in the sixth grade. It’s an ongoing battle and it’s a nightmare. But I like clothes too much, and I always wanted to wear the outfits I would make. And I’m very vain,” said Stefani as a team of highly trained monkeys polished her toe nails and waxed her legs.

THE SPICE GIRLS reunited last week when Miss Piggy lookalike Geri Halliwell held a christening party for her daughter, the ridiculously named Bluebell.
All the old school were there except for Mel B who was still in America, probably throwing stones at Eddie Murphy’s windows. The party was attended by all the B-list celebrities and hangers-on. One guest, who was probably there for Victoria beckham to spit on if she felt like it, said: “Geri had a fantastic time and she was touched that the other Spice Girls made the effort to come. “Victoria in particular shared a very tender moment with Bluebell.” The rake thin celeb was probably contemplating eating the baby in a sudden hunger pang.
Another guest, B-lister Lady Isabella Hervey, said: “It was lovely, really moving,” as she sneakily shoved a handful of sausage rolls and sandwiches into her handbag.

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Missy Higgins’ new album came out yesterday and I am glad to hear she has stuck to the same format as the last.

To hear tracks from here new album go to http://www.myspace.com/missyhiggins

Melissa Morrison Higgins is 23. The teenage girl who won Triple J’s Unearthed competition while still a student at Geelong Grammar School is receding into pop culture’s collective memory, to be replaced by a self-aware young woman who understands the give and take of her chosen career.

“There’s a lot more I’m comfortable and confident in - as a performer and as a writer definitely,” she says, curling up in a chair in the corner of the concert’s backstage area.

“When I wrote The Sound of White I was younger,” Higgins adds. “People laugh when I say I was once young, because they think I’m still young. I was a teenager when I wrote most of that record, so there was a lot of uncertainty about who I was and what my place in the world would be. But as you grow up, year by year, you learn about who you want to be and how you can represent yourself through your music.”

That realisation did not come easily. The Sound of White was a break-up album where recrimination and regret washed over domestic fantasies of what might have been. It was intimate but readily accessible - single after single knocked down mainstream radio’s restrictive formats (as Steer is doing now). By the time Higgins walked away with a handful of ARIA Awards and established herself as the unlikely successor to Delta Goodrem as the country’s leading female artist, she had become a public figure.

“It was a shock,” she admits, “especially because I was the type of person who liked to sit back and watch, as opposed to being watched. I found I couldn’t do that any more. It seemed that wherever I looked there was a pair of eyes gazing back at me; that made it difficult because a lot of my songs come from watching the world go by. When you find that you can’t sit back in the shadows it’s initially hard to draw inspiration.”

Higgins discovered the feeling of social static that travels with celebrities, the knowledge that to simply enter a room is to change the environment and possibility of interaction whether you want to or not. “I don’t like doing that because it makes me less human,” she says. “You start to get this feeling that you’re invincible, and if you let that flourish you start to feel that you deserve the attention and that you deserve to be put up on a pedestal.”

At the same time she was also questioned about her sexuality, a process that spanned radio jocks fronting her live on air to overwrought line-by-line internet analysis of her lyrics. Higgins herself occasionally fuelled the interest with the odd teasing answer (”I think everyone is a bit bisexual, but not everyone admits it,” she told Rolling Stone), although she was generally firm in walling off her private life.

“It comes with the job and you’ve got to learn to stick with your guns,” she says now. “If I don’t want to talk about my personal life it’s not an issue that should be pushed. But this time I’m prepared and know what to expect - I’ve braced myself.”

Once The Sound of White had finally burnt through locally and after several long slogs through America, where she found a foothold as opposed to fame, Higgins removed herself from the fray. A good friend recommended Broome in Western Australia’s far north. When Higgins relocated there for six months last year, her friend introduced her around to ease her into the lifestyle.

“It was a lifesaver. I felt blessed to have found a place where I could still be myself in my own country,” she recalls. “It’s a small country town with red dirt and boab trees and the people are so relaxed and friendly and so far removed from the entertainment industry. It was exactly what I needed. No one recognised me - and that was necessary at that point - and if they did, they didn’t care.”

Every morning she would get up, ride to the nearby beach and swim in the ocean, before adjourning to a nearby cafe for coffee and a vegetarian breakfast. After that she would go home and start writing, ultimately penning the bulk of On a Clear Night, which she then spent four months recording in Los Angeles with veteran producer Mitchell Froom (Crowded House, Elvis Costello).

As she had once done in primary school, where she would write short stories about topics such as domestic violence - “issues that I had no first-hand knowledge of, but that I could semi-torture myself with,” she clarifies - she returned to fictional characters for tracks such as Forgive Me and Angela, which was initially inspired by seeing a single still from Gone With The Wind and recognising something in Vivien Leigh’s eyes.

Others came from personal experience. The sarcastic Peachy, for one, was written, “when I was struggling with my ego and feeling bitter”, notes Higgins with a laugh (while she’s friendly, Higgins rarely gives anything away about herself unless she’s discussing her songwriting). The Wrong Girl revisits her penchant for interior monologues, where she’s literally walled in both by memories and the house she’s brooding inside.

Secret has a carnal hum to it that’s new to Higgins’ work and is sure to fascinate those trying to define her by her lyrics. “It’s about the forbidden, the push and pull of desire and lust and the things that aren’t allowed, so you only want them more,” she offers. “It was fun to write.”

She also counts singing along to pop fodder on the radio when driving around with her friends as fun, although her latest fad is rock climbing, a hobby that she’s taken up in the last six months.

“I’ll go up 30 or 40 metres,” says Missy Higgins, now willing to defy gravity and any other challenge that might present itself.

“Nothing too high just yet.”

The Making of On A Clear Night

Today we made…

Hot Cross Buns (yes I know it’s not Easter)

Fruit Cakes (minus the Cherries)

and Stollen (which had so much butter and sugar I am sure it would give someone a heart attack)

I met up with Lou, we headed down to the Prince to meet up with Brydie and after a couple we headed to the RSL for a couple of games of pool.

We then swung round to Kim & Shays to see them and Lauren and then headed back to Brydies.

Had fun, brought back lots of old memories.

I read this morning that a woman from Manchester got in line at 4am to get her hands on one of the new “I’m not a plastic bag” bags made by Anya Hindmarch.

Yes it looks very lovely but couldn’t this sad old bint have just gone online to buy hers?

The saddest quote was…

Janet Bowers, 42, took her place in the queue at 5.30am. “I’ve been waiting for months for this, ever since I saw them at the Oscars. I’m so excited. I can’t believe I’ve got my hands on one,” said Janet, caressing her cotton creation. “I’m going to take it on holiday with me to Spain.”

Oh dear!

I am glad to see the UK are starting to take the initiative to stop using so many plastic bags, this is something they have been pushing in Australia for a while.

While we are on the subject of plastic bags, my parents collect so many of them, the cupboard under the kitchen sink resembles a landfill!

I would pay serious money to see my Dad walking around Tesco with one of these bags, would be fun if people could use their own slogan, my Dad’s would be “Och eye the noo, I can’t fit anything in this bag”.

I managed to get to see ‘The Science of Sleep’ today, Michel Gondry’s latest film. Extremely wierd but great all the same.

I had an awful nights sleep last night…or let me rephrase that…I didn’t get any sleep.

Once again, (and it’s starting to get quite frequent) I had heartburn…one of those episodes like Steph had when she thought she was having a heart attack and Jo had to take her to hospital!!
Though, I didn’t go to hospital, I just thought about Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson….no not really, I just rolled around uncomfortable taking pain killer after pain killers and after I had popped about 6 I finally nodded off.

It was double time today at work…because it is Anzac Day and I just couldn’t function. As soon as I walked into work one of the girls told me I looked dreadful…nice!

I lasted a few hours and then headed home…crashing out in front of the TV (for the second night in a row) with my flatmate Dawn trying to get updates on what’s happening at the moment in the shows. It seems none of the Mcleod’s Daughters are on Mcleod’s Daughters…how can that be?

Lou called and I got her to come over to help me make muffins for everyone at work. They did want me to make them Anzac cookies but they taste revolting and I wanted to make muffins!

Anyway, they turned out great, of course it was Lou’s magic mixing that made them so good.

YOU may have thought that scoffing down a lovely big bacon butty with loads of HP sauce was going to give you a fat arse at worst but it turns out that the delicious delicacy could actually kill you.
These scientists have been frantically trying to find something else to scare us shitless with and they stumbled on a link between the chemicals used in cured meats and chronic bronchitis.
Tests showed that people who eat 14 or more portions of cured meat a month could be doubling their chance of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (that means you won’t be enjoying too mnay more bacon butties).
The average Brit will be in serious trouble then, considering we usually enjoy about 14 portions of cured meat in a day.
Dr Rui Jiang said: “Cured meats are high in nitrates and these may damage the lungs, producing structural changes resembling emphysema,” as he took a drag of his 12th Berkeley Super King of the day.

A WOMAN in England who is suing the police for “brutality” is a bit of a hypocrite as it turns out she’s paid to inflict pain on others as a kinky dominatrix.
Toni Comer was punched by a police officer and is now suing for her injuries.
While living on benefit she’s charging blokes up to £125-an- hour for punishment sessions. The majority of her customers are likely to be middle-aged door-to-door salesmen named Horace.
As well as working from home, the dominatrix was also a regular at a brothel which is renowned for having the best torture chamber this side of Blackpool.

FOR those skin flints among you who only came to Australia because of the favourable exchange rate, you should think about making a stop off in the States when you are on your way home.
The pound is now worth $2 which means as much drinking in the states as you did in Australia.
It is the first time the pound has reached that exchange rate with the dollar since 1992.

AN 81-YEAR-OLD woman who was described by a judge as the “neighbour from hell” was jailed for six months this week, after terrorising neighbours for the last ten years.
Dorothy Evans, from Wales, had been accused of constantly shouting, swearing and threatening physical violence to her much younger neighbours, although reports that she was seen joy-riding another elderly woman’s mobility scooter, wearing a balaclava and firing a shotgun at 3am on the street were unconfirmed.
Her lawyer, inevitably, played on the woman’s age and said that a jail term would not be the best thing for her.
Hilariously, he added that if she was to go to prison it would not act as a deterrent and that “she would be merely confirmed in her behaviour.”
It’s hard to believe that an 81-year-old woman would be released from prison, hardened from time inside, starting a local gang and becoming the head honcho of a multi million pound drug and arms operation.

FINALLY, someone deserving of winning the National Lottery has won it.
Single-mum Jenny Southall who was living in a hostel with her teenage children just a month ago won £8,372,751.
She immediately quit her £5.85 job and has started looking at buying a huge house in the UK and one in Spain – that’s how you do it.
Instead of being one of those sickening knob-ends who say they won’t quit their shitty job and won’t let the money change them, Jenny says she’s going to live the high life.
Speaking from an exclusive health spa as she was massaged by two greased-up body builders, she said: “I’ve always wanted to live in a big house so I won’t hear my son playing the drums - and now I can.”
Her no-doubt gutted ex- husband will be seriously regretting splitting up with the frumpy millionaire who just became a whole lot more attractive.
Speaking as he choked back tears, he told the whopper: “I’m happy for her and the children. It makes not a jot of difference whether she gives me any money or not.”

IT’S one of drinking men’s biggest pet hates – you go for a pint and the poor excuse for a barman barely fills the glass up to the three quarter mark or gives you a head bigger than than Jose Mourinho’s.
Beer drinkers are being short changed to the tune of £481 million every year in Britain because of tight arse publicans. Really, who comes up with these statistics?
Luckily, we have the ale drinking A-Team on our side, the Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) is calling on the government to bring in laws which make it illegal for pubs to serve anything but a full measure.
While they’re at it, they could try and get a law to make sure the gambling machine isn’t rigged by the publican or that the bar towels should be washed at least every week to stop them smelling like someone’s wiped their arse with them.
According to CAMRA some pubs serve up to 13 per cent less than the full pint. What kind of fairy wouldn’t just tell the barman to fill it to the top?

JUST in case you are getting any pangs of homesickness, the news that an Essex firm is making stab-proof hoodies for chavs will quickly alleviate those feelings.
The UK has been cuaght in a frenzy of teen gun and knife violence and the company who supplies the police and British troops with armour has seized the opportunity to make a quick buck.
Bladerunner is selling the tops for £65 and even more unbelievably, the company is in talks with some East London schools about producing stab proof school uniforms.
“It’s all in development but we’re at an advanced stage,” he said.
“We’ve sent examples of school jumpers to the manufacturers and we’re waiting for the costings. I really believe it’s needed,” as a youth broke into his BMW and sped away.

A SEX-starved man posed as a representative of an underwear company and phoned over 1500 women and asked them questions about the knickers they were wearing.
Stephen Maxwell was only caught when his questions became increasingly explicit.
A prosecutor said that in one call he began by asking the woman what kind of underwear she was wearing before moving onto the slightly less cordial topic of rape.
He was given a three-year community order and ordered to take part in a sex offenders’ programme, where he can improve his phone manner, among other things.
Phone companies are queing up to employ him in their call centres for his foot-in-the-door determination.

A BRITISH ex-pat has been charged with murder, after killing his French wife because he “couldn’t stand her any more” – if every husband seen that as a valid reason to murder their wife then surely there would be far more homicides.
The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, or maybe it’s so he isn’t barraged with other husbands looking for advice, at first said he had come home to find his wife dead in the toilet but was arrested after it was discovered that the woman had received blows to the head.

BRIAN FERRY may have a more sinister side – he may be a closet Nazi.
He described the Nazi regime as “just amazing” in a recent interview and now his PR people have been frantically trying to gloss over the ancient singer’s comments.
A statement released said that he was “deeply upset” by the publicity concerning his comments.
He probably spent the whole night goose-stepping up and down the living room and only finally managed to get some rest after reading the calming words of Mein Kampf.
“I, like every right-minded individual, find the Nazi regime, and all it stood for, evil and abhorrent,” said Ferry as he preened his new moustache.

OUR much-loved British bee is facing extinction because of selfish humans who insist on using their mobile phones outside. Scientists, who have finally stopped those silly experiments to find a replacement for fossil fuels and a cure for cancer, say that evidence suggests that mobile phone signals are interfering with bees’ navigational senses sending them off course and eventually dying alone, probably hundreds of miles away from family and friends back at the colony.
Residents of Antarctica are probably relishing the influx of lost bees and the opportunity to sell our own honey back to us.
John Chapple, chairman of the London Beekeepers Association, recently found 30 of his 40 hives empty.
He said: “It was like the Mary Celeste — the bees had just vanished.”
Bees contribute £1billion to the UK economy — mainly by pollinating plants and sales of Waspeze presumably.

AS WE Brits brace ourselves for the ferocious Australian winter, the UK is basking in unseasonably warm temperatures with the thermometer hitting 25C in London this week.
The lucky bastards back home have been enjoying lazy days on the beach and BBQs in the garden – not exactly normal behaviour for a Brit in April.
A spokesman for the Meteorological Office said: “The sunshine will continue to come through countrywide,” as he lay back on his deck chair sat outside the office.

AN OLD weirdo who was obsessed with Kylie Minogue stocked a Kylie lookalike for two years – the real Kylie doesn’t spend a lot of time in Eastbourne.
Sixty-eight-year-old Phillip Russell sent her cards and flowers and even left notes on the window of her car.
He was banned from the JD Wetherspoons where she worked before Victoria Cluskey contacted police.
The randy old stalker, who just couldn’t get the Kylie impersonator out of his head, was given a two-year restraining order.
When police raided his home they found a shrine to Kylie Minogue and photos of the lookalike with his and her initials scrolled into them - it must have been love, but it’s over now.

A NEW initiative has been introduced in Dublin. Pedestrians will be whisked around the city centre in pedal-powered “Ecocabs” - for free.
This will be the country’s first non-polluting form of public transport and will scare traditional taxi drivers who will see their extortionate fees take a battering from this free alternative service. All the costs will be covered by advertising.
The only problem is that there will only be five cabs. Come on now, five cabs isn’t an initiative, it’s a gimmick. Anyone who has tried to get a cab from Temple Bar on a weekend night will know that a fleet of 200 will not be enough to cover demand.
Environmentalists have welcomed the move but have warned that, if it allows late night revellers to spend what would have been their taxi fare on a donner kebab with chilli sauce instead, the effects on the environment could be damaging in the long term.

STAR TREK is set to cause controversy when shown at this year’s Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival in Belfast as it predicts Irish reunification by 2024 – as a result of a successful terrorist campaign.
Not surprisingly, the episode has never been shown on UK or Irish terrestrial TV and the Sky 1 screening was edited, leading to mass protests from fans of the show which were only stopped when a passing female made them simultaneously panic.
Sean Kelly, the director of the Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival, said: “We’re not showing it in a partisan way, and we certainly don’t want it to be seen as any kind of propaganda. We’re showing it because of the issues it raises in relation to censorship.”
This is not the first time that Star Trek has made controversial, bold predictions that have little chance of coming true. It has in the past suggested that its fans may, one day, get a girlfriend or have an interesting social life.

The Irish are a nation of short-arses and the vast economic inequality in Ireland is to blame.
Although Irish women born in the 1950s and 1960s were taller than both Spanish and Italian women, the Mediterranean senoritas born in the late 1970s are on average taller than their Irish counterparts.
Similarly for the men, they have slipped down the rankings and have been overtaken by Greek men – they would have been even lower were it not for Niall Quinn single-handedly bringing the national average up by 5cm.
Professor of Economics Cormac O’Grada said: “The contrast between rich and poor is much greater in Ireland than in Scandinavia or the Benelux countries and that has an effect on the height of the population,” whilst standing on a soapbox to maintain eye level with his interviewer.

USA: A teenage boy organised a hit on his own father because he was fed up being told what to do – the hitman was paid $5.
The 16-year-old boy from Shreveport, Louisana, told police he had asked a school mate to shoot his dad after an argument.
The remarkably cheap hitman turned up at the father’s son to commit the murder - the father was only saved from execution when a woman inside the house spotted the gun and locked the door.
The father only found out about the murder plot after his son confessed to police.
The boy has been charged with solicitation to murder. The gunman is now on the run and is believed to be offering to decapitate annoying parents for a bottle of soda and a muffin.
The incident further highlights America’s fanatical love of guns in a week where over 30 people were killed at a Virginia university by a crazed student.

SCANDINAVIA: A school in Western Sweden has been been told off for using biblical quotations in pupils’ reports.
Oddly, despite the school being Christian, parents became concerned when their kids came home asking for a pulpit for Christmas and telling them that God exists.
Their anger was apparently fanned when one obnoxious little shit allegedly received a high-and-mighty comment on his book that read: “Take now thy son, thine only Isaac, whom thou lovest…and offer him there for a burnt offering.”

CANADA: Referees disallowed five young girls from competing in a local tae-kwon-do tournament unless they removed their Islamic head scarves.
The members of the Montreal team were told they had to remove their headscarves for safety reasons.
Coaches argued the hijab was out of reach under the mandatory helmets and that their had been no problem with the garments at previous events. One ref mumbled: “We’re just enforcing the rules and regulations.”

ROBBIE WILLIAMS was left feeling a bit below par after being threatened by his LA neighbour, Goodfellas star Joe Pesci, with a golf club.
The pair have now putt their differences aside after Williams bought the actor a £170,000 Bentley.
The fall-out happened after a friend of Williams, who was at his mansion for a game of football, parked on Pesci’s driveway. Eagle-eyed Pesci immediately ran out and shouted: “Which one of you motherf**kers blocked my driveway,” in the style of his Goodfellas character Tommy De Vito.
“If you don’t move in 30 seconds I’m going to smash the windscreen.”
Williams, who was obviously worried the rift could drive a wedge between him and his neighbour, immediately told his mate to move the car.

PANTY-dampener Justin Timberlake has admitted he picks his nose and flicks it - but has said he doesn’t put the crunchy treat in his mouth afterwards.
The news will no-doubt shock and disgust his female followers so much that they’ll turn to another sex- God to idolise, Cliff Richard or someone like that.
The SexyBack singer says the guilty pleasure is his worst habit – pretty tame considering he has the ability to sleep with several different women every night, gamble hundreds of thousands of dollars and not notice it, go mental on the finest cocaine and get involved in scuffles with paparazzi.
“I pick my nose and I’m not ashamed to admit it. If there’s a bogey there then just pick it man,” he said as he settled down to another boisterous night of cocoa and Trivial Pursuit with his mum and Aunty Ethel.

GLOBAL pop phenomenon, Right Said Fred singer Richard Fairbrass, is thinking of running for London Mayor in next year’s elections.
The singer who had a couple of hit singles, including the super-gay I’m Too Sexy, reckons he could make a real difference to England’s capital city and says that current mayor Ken Livingstone is making an arse of things.
Speaking as he endured his weekly back, sack and crack appointment, Richard said: “Current mayor Ken Livingstone has lost the plot. London has turned into a rich man’s playground.
“I have been living here since 1982 and London has definitely improved.
“But I think Ken has been in the hot-seat too long — it’s time for a change.
“I want to stand as an independent candidate with a manifesto for the real working people of London.”
In his one-page manifesto, a leopard skin covered document with a signed Right Said Fred album, he also wants to reverse the smoking ban and make the wearing of crotchless leather chaps mandatory for men.

OVER-SENSITIVE Americans have once again got completely the wrong end of the stick by condemning a video clip of Will Ferrell and his writing partner’s two-year- old daughter in which the little girl says “crap” – shock horror.
In the same week that a student murdered 33 students at a Virginia University with a gun he bought over the counter, George Bush said that it’s every American’s right to own a gun - but for heaven’s sake don’t swear.
The Anchorman star made the two-minute-clip with writer friend Adam McKay and his daughter. The little girl plays his disgruntled landlord looking for the rent money.
Americans are said to be shocked at the girl using such explicit language as “bitch” and “buzzed.”
McKay has defended the film which was made to launch comedy sketch website funnyordie.com.
He said: “Fortunately she is in this great stage now where she repeats anything you say to her and then forgets it right away, which is key.”

SNOOP DOGG threatened to pull out of a charity fundraiser because organisers hadn’t didn’t provide him with an X-Box in his dressing room – how noble.
The rapper was due to play at Cipriani Wall Street’s UNICEF concert where he was paid $150,000 for his performance.
An organiser managed to get their son’s machine – depriving the poor little fella of a night of gaming bliss. Snoop Dogg was an hour late on stage for his performance because he and his entourage were enjoying a lengthy game, leaving the event’s other act, the Pussycat Dolls, to play for an extra hour. That must have been hell for the mostly male audience.
The night was rounded off by one of the Dolls thanking “Unicel” – so it was a complete success all round then. Reports that UNICEF are just going to have a bring-and-buy-sale for their next event are unconfirmed.

RICH bitch Cheryl Cole says that Justin Timberlake is a “dickhead,” and that she can’t stand: “people who think just because they are huge they can act like prats.”
Yes, this is the same Cheryl who was convicted of actual bodily harm when she attacked a toilet attendant while in a nightclub in Newcastle. It’s clear that Cheryl obviously has limitless respect for Joe or Jane Bloggs in a way that a big-time Charlie like Justin could never understand.
Girls Aloud were paid a trifling £1.2 million to endorse Sunsilk hair products but we’re sure Cheryl hasn’t lost touch with her working class Geordie roots, in fact you can still spot her down Byker Grove with Spuggy, Jeff and co.
Happily unaware of the word hypocrite, Cheryl ranted: “I don’t want to meet Justin Timberlake, I’ve heard he’s a dickhead. He’s in town and probably everybody wants to meet him but not me.” Justin is said to be inconsolable.

AT LAST, someone with half a brain, Anthony Kiedis, has hit out at the ridiculous trend of celebs booking themselves into rehab just because they had two Babychams and a packet of Golden Wonder at the weekend.
If anyone is qualified to speak about how utterly ridiculous it is to place your problems into someone else’s hands as a means of solving them, it’s former heroin addict and Red Hot Chili Peppers’ frontman, Anthony Kiedis.
“Rehab is full of a lot of quacks that want to instantly diagnose you as this or that, or with something you might not actually have, just because you’re on a bad drug run or something. Then you show up and suddenly they decide you’re manic depressive. If you wanna get well, you’ll find a way.” Pint for Mr Kiedis, in fact, on second thoughts, leave it.

JUST when you thought you couldn’t possibly want to punish Eva Longoria’s delicious little derriere any more, she goes and admits that she loves to be tied up and dominated. Dirty cow.
The luscious Latina is engaged to 24-year-old multi-millionaire basketball star Tony Parker. She enjoys his insightful intellect and sparkling conversation. Or, perhaps he is hung like a Chernobyl child and dominates her just how she likes it. Manky bitch.
While having an almost deadly electrical current passed through her nipples Eva said: “I’m not averse to being tied up - I like a man to take charge. There’s something very sexy about being submissive.”
She also revealed that David Beckham is her dream dinner date. Don’t worry Tony, we doubt David’s lisp and penchant for cross-dressing will have Eva begging for mercy.

SCRAWNY drug-abuser Kate Moss is finally getting the luck she has long deserved: she was attacked with ice-cubes before taking to the stage and was then called “a working class slag,” by an American fashion bigwig.
Kate was due to perform a duet with attention seeking boyfriend Pete Doherty when she got caught up in a play-fight involving ice-cubes. A club source said: “It was all a bit of a laugh at first. Kate thought the whole thing was hilarious.
“But then one bit of ice was thrown a bit hard and hit her smack in the forehead. The bump came up immediately. Someone joked she should put a bit of ice on the swelling. That’s when Kate decided to leave.”
Then to quite literally add insult to injury American fashion critics slaughtered her debut clothes range for Topshop. One head-honcho at Barneys, an exclusive New York store that will stock Croydon-born Kate’s collection, referred to her as “a working-class slag from a crap town.” That’s an insult to decent working class girls everywhere.

NOEL GALLAGHER’S songwriting may have lost its power back in the 1990s but he is still a dead-cert for a quality quote. He has revealed that he was dressed as a clown and out of his face on acid when he received his invitation to tea at Number 10 - so that PM Tony Blair could bask in Britpop’s reflected glory.
Noel said: “I defy anybody to have an official f***ing letter drop through the letterbox, while you’re dressed as an Afghan clown, at five in the morning, off your head on acid going, ‘It’s from the f***ing Prime Minister. He’s inviting us to his house for a drink’. ” In keeping with his dark sense of humour, Noel’s 40th will be a “tyrants and despots” party where everyone must dress as a murderous dictator - he is going as Stalin.
A mysteriously unnamed source said: “Noel has a brilliant but really dark sense of humour, as his plans show. It’s going to be a mad, mad, night.” The Mancs really know how to throw a paaaarty.

BRITNEY SPEARS went on a bizarre rant to reporters, accusing them of printing lies about her being pregnant and criticising their treatment of her during her descent into insanity.
She spoke in that despicable Clueless style Hollywood-it girl dialect: “I just want to talk and say, like, how nice our world is. It really is. Like the other day, I saw this magazine and it said I was pregnant. And I went up to my mom and my mom knew, like, she was right, as I am really pregnant. Always believe everything you read everybody, because I am.” Really, if this girl wasn’t famous, she would be committed. Or at least ordered to learn English.
“I went to see, like, this person, like, on USA Today and they said I was drinking a lot and it was just so true. Like, totally. Isn’t it nice how nice our world is? Nobody is going to talk about this.”
This is a real quote, believe it or not.

ORLANDO BLOOM is lucky to be able to walk never mind pump a long succession of beautiful girls after breaking his back nearly a decade ago.
The Pirates of the Caribbean star fell three floors from a balcony – although the details of how he fell were not released – and broke his back. Doctors told him it was likely he would be paralysed for life.
However, proving that if you are a hero in the movies then you’re probably a hero in real life, he amazed doctors (and won over a few nurses likely) when he began to walk and left the hospital just 12 days after the accident.
Bloom said: “For four days I was thinking this was it, that I would be living my life in a wheelchair, and then I thought, no, and I knew I would walk. I just knew.”
Sounding rather like an ofice manager from Slough he continued: “Think about that. Think about finding out when you’re 13 that your dad is not your dad. It’s like, OK, take it on the chin and keep going. No choice, really.”

LEGENDARY director Oliver Stone has been accused of racism - an African American screenwriter claimed he called him a ni**er at a party in 1991.
He must have a lot on his plate if he only got round to making the claims now.
Barry Michael Cooper said he approached the Platoon director at the party to praise his work and no-doubt offer him a copy of his screenplay and the “just give me a chance” speech.
He said: “Oliver Stone’s my hero, so I went over to him. I said: ‘Man, I love your movie Wall Street.’ He said to me, ‘Okay, thank you very much. I bet you like Scarface too. All n**gers like Scarface.”
Strangely though, Cooper claims Stone isn’t racist, adding, “He was tipsy. We were all a little tipsy. I don’t think he meant it maliciously.”
Wonder if this comment coincides with the release of some of the screen writer’s work, or are we just being cynical?

SCATHING slime-ball Simon Cowell was humiliated in front of millions live on American Idol after a child drew him with a massive set of man-boobs.
Cowell was filming a spot for the show in which he pretended to give a shit about anyone else by visiting a small Kenyan village. A young girl showed off her drawing of the smarmy scumbag to the camera – showing Cowell sporting a lovely bunch of coconuts. Cowell said: “What are those? What are those? Are you saying I have those? Are you? I’m not very happy,” said Cowell, as hungry children queued to suckle the biggest tits in the village.
Sacked X Factor judge Louis Walsh is releasing a book in which he slates Cowell’s vanity - including his love of wearing high heeled shoes.

UPSTANDING pillar-of-the-community Snoop Dogg pleaded no contest to charges of drug and gun possession - and considers himself very lucky to have avoided a jail-term.
We would have seen just how street Snoop really was when locked down with some of Los Angeles’ real-life gangstas. Snoop would have made the rookie mistake of trying to lift the soap from the shower floor – only to discover it is chained there just to lure fresh meat like him into making themselves prone to a pummeling.
The cannabis loving member of notorious LA gang The Crips received 800 hours of community service.
That time will presumably be spent providing the finest weed and hoes to his South Central homies - what greater service could he possibly give to the community?

CHEEKY young scamps the Arctic Monkeys will not be joining fellow artists in the plush hotel after their Glastonbury gig – they’ll be roughing it on the campsite like true working class heroes.
Frontman Alex Turner made the announcement on Radio 1 - just before his mother called the station and warned him that he could camp with the rest of the boys but only if Uncle Frank was there to keep an eye on them.
The Sheffield band have also revealed they’d love to perform alongside Amy Winehouse and they have even approached her to play with them at their forthcoming Manchester gig although their diva-like demand that they get to tag-team her after the show will probably not be met.
Alex said: “We really like her and her work and we would love to perform with her,” as he furiously rubbed one out.

DESPITE only being reformed for five minutes, ageing rockers The Police, fronted by pretentious prick Sting, are worried about arguments.
POP princess Kylie Minogue has plucked a lucky Scottish laddie from obscurity and is now jumping his bones according to reports. She has also asked him to help her with the recording of her new album. Listen out for bagpipes and samples from The Proclaimers on her next release then.

SELF INDULGENT bitch Madonna is becoming more like hypocritical preacher Bono every day.
The scraggy old hag is turning a documentary she made about saving orphans into a movie.
The singer hopes, and probably firmly believes, that millions will flock to see the movie which will no doubt feature Madge in emotional embraces with bewildered locals.
A family friend said: “She has poured her heart and soul into this movie and believes it will have the same effect on the world as the Live Aid concerts.
“Madonna wants to dedicate the rest of her life to helping children.
“She desperately wants to become the female Bono and be taken as seriously as him. Her days of being the Material Girl are gone.”
All this makes you realise that normal every day people are absolute selfish scum and we should all aspire to be like the celebrities who constantly think of others before themselves.

DESPITE acting the streetwise, hard as nails gobshite, it appears litlle pop pixie Lily Allen is soft-centred. The pint sized singer is expected to cancel her American tour because she is homesick.
She is already in the United States on a promotional tour and her concert tour was due to start on May 13. However some American venues where she was due to play are now offering refunds for the gig.
A source for Allen said: “It’s not known if she’s going to carry on with the tour anymore because she is so homesick.” We thought she was made of tougher stuff than that.

THOSE super talented girls from Girls Aloud have already got their plans set out for what they’ll do after the band splits in September.
All of the girls have the world as their oyster when they leave the band - especially the worlds of glamour modelling and pornography.
Sarah Harding (the blonde one) wants to go into acting and would love to be in a Bond film. She will probably end up in a dodgy play where she’ll be expected to get her tits before she “gets her big break in acting.”
Nadine Coyle (the gorgeous brunette) also wants to get into acting and seeing as her husband is that twat from Desperate Housewives she might get a chance.
Kimberley Walsh (the trout pout) and Nicola Roberts (the ugly one) want to become and businesswomen but what will probably end up in McDonald’s and Cheryl Cole (the thug) doesn’t need to worry because she’s married to a millionaire footballer, Cashley Cole.

NOEL GALLAGHER will not be playing the Glastonbury Festival this year despite getting down on his hands and knees and begging organiser Michael Eavis for a slot at the festival.
A statement on his website sulked that he would not be playing at this year’s festival but he may go and see some of his favourite bands playing. Poor Noel, life just isn’t fair.

POOR little foul-mouthed Lady Sovereign cancelled the remaining gigs on her tour because she was exhausted – she’s not as ‘ard as she makes out then.
In her defence, the four remaining gigs which she cancelled were in London, Bristol, Manchester and Norwich.
The little acid-tongued chav wasn’t available for comment – probably as a result of consuming seven litres of Frosty Jack and nine E’s.
However, a spokesman for her said: “She is very disappointed at missing these shows but is bedridden following 18 months of intense touring and promoting, and requires time for treatment and recuperation.
“It is hoped she will be able to reschedule this tour in the near future,” as, in the background, Lady Sovereign moonied the press, gave the finger and told everyone to ‘f**k off.’

WHACKO Jacko’s sister Janet Jackson is being sued for £66 million after two of her bodyguards allegedly grabbed and chocked a fan who tried to slip her a note in February 2004.
Blatant gold-digger Leonard Salati claimed that he was trying to pass a note to her at the Club Marquee when her bouncers pounced on him and tried to choke him.
It’s not known what the note said but you can guarantee it would have been along the lines of ‘I’m prepared to give away a lung for a sniff of your shoe.’
Lawyers for the singer were hoping to overturn the case, but Justice Rolando Acosta decided against it saying the law grants no exceptions based on celebrity status – yeah right.

REINFORCING the point that Brian May has never been cool and that he would publicly flog his gran if it got him a bit of media attention, a Queen flavoured ice cream is about to hit the shops.
May’s super cringe worthy comment was: “It’s Queentastic! Rhapsolicious! So cool it’s not funny! But only if the next one is ‘We Will Chock You’!” as he was passed a large briefcase by a suspicious looking character.

SOLO singing sensation James Morrison reckons that Scottish women are the most frightening in the world - and that if he hadn’t of made a run for it they would have raped him.
Morrison said that of all the places he’s been on his tour, Scotland’s big women are the scariest.
Anyone who has been to Glasgow would no doubt confirm Morrison’s accusation of rampant morbid obesity. A traumatised Morrison said: “They are totally lethal. I nearly got raped.
“It was full on, mental. They have some big women in Scotland, very big women, and when they set their sights on a target they go for it. I was that target.”
He should really think himself lucky that the Glasgow fatties were after him.
According to Wikipedia, Scottish men judge a woman’s worth by her weight so a Glasgow fatty is as sought after as the Kleenex at a Hugh Heffner party.

DELICIOUS diva J.Lo’s husband Marc Anthony has had to pay the taxman $2.5 million after his manager and brother failed to file his tax returns for four years.
We have a feeling he is no longer working for him and no longer refers to him as “my brother,” instead using the slightly more informal “that c**t.”
Anthony is the world’s biggest selling salsa artist and his missus is reported to be worth a few bob so he probably won’t be offering to pay the deficit back a tenner a week.
His brother Bigram Zayes will be preparing for a few years of bad food, sleepless nights and relentless buggery after being found guilty of tax crimes.
Anthony is expected to get off with only a slap on the wrists as he had left his tax filing to his hapless brother.

more

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I have fallen in love with the film Amelie, ok, it is quite possible I just fallen in love with Audrey Tatou since I seem to be watching more and more French movies, all with her in.

Anyway, for some reason I have never been interested in watching this film, it’s been out for a long time…until I saw the poster in the projection room at my work. Everyday I have been passing it and more recently I have been stopping and actually looking at it. I took myself down to the DVD store last week and rented it and I think it’s great. The narration is great…

Amélie is the story of Amélie Poulain, a girl who grows up isolated from other children by Raphaël, her taciturn doctor father, due to his mistaken belief that she suffers from a heart condition (a mistake in fact resulting from the increase in her heartbeat caused by the rare thrill of physical contact by her father, who only ever touched her during medical check-ups). Her mother (who is just as neurotic as her father) dies when Amélie is young, victim of a freak accident involving a suicidal Québécoise who threw herself off the top of Notre Dame Cathedral and landed on Amélie’s mother, causing her father to withdraw even further (and devote his life to building a rather eccentric shrine to his late wife). Left to amuse herself, Amélie develops an unusually active imagination.

When she grows up, Amélie becomes a waitress in a small Montmartre café, The Two Windmills, run by a former circus performer. The café is staffed and frequented by a gang of eccentrics. By age 22, life for Amélie is simple; having spurned romantic relationships following a few failed efforts, she has devoted herself to simple pleasures, such as cracking crème brûlée with a teaspoon, going for walks in the Paris sunshine, skipping stones across St. Martin’s Canal, trying to guess how many couples in Paris are having an orgasm at one moment (”Fifteen!”, as she tells the camera), and letting her imagination roam free.

Her life changes on the same day that Princess Diana dies. Following a series of circumstances resulting from her shock at the news, behind a loose bathroom tile she finds an old metal box of childhood memorabilia hidden by a boy who lived in her apartment decades past. Fascinated by the find, she resolves to track down the now grown-up man who put it there and return it to him, making a deal with herself in the process: if she finds him and it makes him glad, she will devote her life to goodness. If not, too bad.

She meets her reclusive neighbor Raymond Dufayel, a painter who continually repaints Luncheon of the Boating Party (Le Déjeuner des canotiers) by Pierre-Auguste Renoir. He is known as ‘the Glass Man’ because of his brittle bone condition. With his help, she tracks the former occupant down, and places the box in a phone booth, ringing the number as he passes to lure him there. Upon opening the box, the man has an epiphany as long-forgotten childhood memories come flooding back. She trails him to a nearby bar and observes him secretly. On seeing the positive effect she had on him, she resolves from that moment on to do good in the life of other people. This results in Amélie becoming something of a secret matchmaker and guardian angel, as she persuades her father to follow his dream of touring the world (with help from his garden gnome and an air-hostess friend), her co-workers and friends (two of whom she sets up), the concierge of her building, and Lucien, the boy who works for the bullying owner of the neighborhood vegetable stand (whom Amélie delights in taking vengeance upon).

But while she is looking after others, no one is looking after Amélie. In helping other people achieve happiness, she is forced to examine her own lonely life - made ever more apparent and painful by her relationship with Nino Quincampoix, a quirky young man who collects the discarded photographs of strangers from passport photo booths, with whom she has fallen in love. Although she intrigues him through her various roundabout methods of attraction (including something like a treasure hunt for one of his forgotten photo albums), she is painfully shy and incapable of actually approaching him. It will take Raymond’s friendship to teach her to pursue her own happiness whilst still ensuring that of her friends and neighbours.

For any of you who haven’t seen it…go rent it…especially if you like movies that are a little quirky!

Mags, it was great to get your email and glad your catching up with the lovely Devine/Palmer family while you are still in London.

Great photo