A SOUNDLY sleeping first class passenger on British Airways was awoken by the sound of the cabin crew dumping the corpse of a 70-year-old woman in his row.
The woman passed away half way through the nine-hour flight and was put into first class because of the extra space. Her body was propped up in a seat, using pillows.
“She kept slipping under the seatbelt and moving about with the motion of the plane. When I asked what was going on I was shocked to hear she was dead,” “It was terrifying. I put my earplugs in but couldn’t get away from the fact that there was a woman wailing at the top of her voice just yards away. It was a really intense, primal sound.
“I just kept thinking to myself: ‘I’ve paid more than £3,000 for this’,” said a tired looking Mr Trinder. Whatever you may think of toffs who fly first-class, you must admit you would be thinking the exact same thing.
A LISPING man has been sacked from his job selling teletubbies because he pronounces Teletubbies as “Teletubbiesh,” and Dipsy as “Dipshy.”
Bosses heard Rabbie Kadhim, 26, saying “Dipshy” and “Teletubbiesh” to customers at a trade fair and promptly told him that it was time for tubby bye-bye.
Imagine being 26 and selling Teletubby figures for a living, only to be sacked because you can’t even pronounce them properly. Where does your life go from this point? The only way ish up I shuppose.
Rabbie had this to say, obviously not exactly this, but he tried to say: “All Teletubbies ever say is: ‘eh-oh’. But I’m the one who is sacked for having a speech impediment. All my job involved was showing children that if you squeezed a Tele-tubbies’ tummy it would glow.
“I was furious because I always tell people if they can’t understand me all they need to do is ask me to repeat myself,” he said to a journalist who promptly asked him to repeat himself.
A ROMPING mother had sex in front of her nine-year-old daughter to teach her the facts of life.
Vicky Pollard wannabie Rebecca Arnold has been sentenced to three years probation after admitting she shagged her boyfriend in front of her traumatized child.
Spokesman for the prosecution Mike Healey said: “Basically, and I’m tempted to say idiotically, they believed it was helpful to the girl.
“They believed it was helpful to her development to see them engaging in various sex acts in front of her.”
The couple, who allegedly haven’t got a braincell to rub together between them, avoided jail by admitting their guilt to the court.
A SEXY, but incredibly dangerous, busty blonde was convicted of conspiracy to murder after a bungled hit in a Manchester pub.
Constance Howarth was an “office secretary” to the neighbours - but to close friends she was known as an arms supplier and Miss Fix-It for gangland bosses.
She was convicted for her part in the hit which ended with the two supposed hitmen dead and the blokes who the hits were meant to be on, with relatively minor injuries.
The court heard how Howarth had been sent to the pub to act as the spotter for the hit and had gave the two hitmen, rookies aged 19 and 20, directions to the pub where the killing were to take place.
As the men entered, they opened fire but failed to kill the men. One of the hitmen’s gun’s jammed and they ended up being shot by another known Manchester gangster – both men fled the pub but died outside from their wounds.
Howarth, on the other hand, was seen coolly leaving the pub by police after the bloodbath.
COMPUTER geeks in the UK queued in the freezing temperatures that Blighty enjoys this time of year to be among the first to get their hands on the new Playstation 3.
Some of the saddest losers queued for 36 hours in order to be first in line when the doors opened. One such geek, a 17-year-old-graphic design student, said: “It’s my 18th birthday next week and I wanted to do something big before it happened and this is big.”
You could have tried losing your virginity mate.
A MECHANIC has spoken about his love for cars and how he likes to have sex with them.
Speaking while caressing the bonnet of his favourite model Chris Donald sighed: “Some men like boobs and bums, but I much prefer curvy bodywork.”
Chris, 38, has a recognised psychological condition that makes him physically attracted to motors.
He said: “It’s all about imagination and creativity. There’s more to car love than exhaust pipes. Stroking the body panels and delicate touching makes excellent foreplay.”
“I did have the exhausts custom made for one car because they were too small. I had them widened and rounded.
“The firm never asked why — but I loved the view while she was up on the ramp and they were working on her. I love all aspects of cars. Some people even like to taste mechanical fluids, but that’s going too far.”
WHO would have thought pottery was a dangerous pastime?
A schoolgirl certainly does now after having a finger and thumb amputated because of burns caused by plaster of Paris. The girl was working with the substance and did not realise it can produce intense heat when mixed with water. She plunged her hands into the mixture and within seconds realised that it was a foolish move.
Reports said her screams were heard in the playground – of the next school four miles away.
A BOOZY commercial airline pilot turned up for work six times over the limit.
The fool claimed that he was not actually going to fly but arrived at the airport to tell his boss he wasn’t fit for work. That claim didn’t really fly seeing as he was wearing full captain’s uniform, presumably with the hat on back to front.
It was lucky the pilot, who was due to fly 181 passengers from Manchester to Chicago, was stopped.
Passengers would have been greeted with the slightly more informal: “This is your captain speaking you bunch of w**kers. “We’re bound for Chicago but we’re going to stop in Turkey because I fancy a kebab. Now how do you start this thing again?”
MANCHESTER may not be noted for its educational elite, but a survey of 2000 men and women has revealed that one out of five Mancunians don’t know who St. Patrick was.
That follows with the rest of us then.
The results found that the majority of Irish revellers believed St Patrick’s Day meant bearing the Shamrock, sampling the Guinness and modelling the season’s must have novelty hat.
Legend has it, however, that Saint Patrick banished snakes from the island and there are also suggestions he was a Christian missionary.
He did, of course, like to get completely smashed, dance around with a big green hat on, fall into the gutter at the end of the night and clog the toilet up with vomit the next day.
Otherwise there would be no reason to celebrate him at all.
CROONER Daniel O’Donnell has reassured legions of panic-stricken grannies that he won’t be deserting his home county.
The singer recently sold his luxury bungalow setting tongues wagging and causing thousands of cups of tea to be brewed among the blue-rinse brigade.
But the singer said: “The village of Kincasslagh where I grew up will always be home and I couldn’t turn my back on the old place,” just as he was mobbed by a group of grannies hurling incontinence knickers at him.
WAIFS and childhood friends Cillian Murphy and Keira Knightley will get to rub their stick-thin bodies together in a new film. The married star of Wind That Shakes the Barley may act alongside pouting Keira in a new film called The Best Time Of Our Lives, which sounds slightly like a Sunset Boulevard spin-off.
Sporting a slightly incestuous feel to it, the film has been written by Knightly’s mum, Sharman MacDonald.
Also on board are rumoured to be Hollywood slapper Lindsay Lohan. Sounds like a winner, then.
DUBLINERS have been warned to beware of people offering straighteners for sale at a snip after a gang of thieves decided to cut loose.
Police are now combing the city for clues after more than 4,000 sets of hair straighteners were nicked on Friday. No wonder Irish eyes were smiling on Saturday and scrubbers were looking more decent than normal then, they’d just copped a load off the back of the lorry.
The haul, worth €450,000, was taken from a business premises in Dublin in the early hours of the morning.
THOUSANDS of folk have not been able to leave the toilet for days after suffering from a horrendous bout of the two-bob-bits. Scientists are now investigating after the dramatic rise in people dashing to the toilet, pale with fear, emerging shadows of their former selves.
Reports suggest that sales of bog roll, especially of the extra soft kind, have soared since the infection took hold.
More than 90,000 people living in Galway are now being advised to boil their tap water before drinking it.
REHAB regular Lindsay Lohan has allegedly run over a photographer who had chased her in New York.
According to reports, Lindsay left a club - always a good place for a recovering alcoholic – and stepped into her car carrying a bottle of water which one cheeky snapper suggested was booze. The paps followed Lindsay and after she began driving recklessly to escape police stopped her.
Lindsay then moved her vehicle, hitting a snapper. The snapper was taken to hospital and treated for, wait for it, a bruised knee. A bruised knee combined with unspeakable psychological trauma and never being able to look at a car again without having a panic attack, this is the nonsense that could cost Lindsay a king’s ransom in court.
BLINGED-UP buffoon P Diddy will perform at Coleen McLoughlin’s 21st birthday but he won’t top the bill - that honour goes to the DJ from her local boozer in the rough area of Croxteth.
P Diddy who is rumoured to be hung like a doormouse on an icy morning, wasn’t even first choice to showcase his rather questionable music skills - the star with wee-man syndrome only stepped in after Coleen was knocked back by porky has-beens Take Fat and Westshite.
With the DJ from her local bringing his mobile disco you can expect P Diddy and his entourage trying to breakdance to the likes of Hi Ho Silver Lining.
Let’s hope Diddy gets treated to some Croxteth hospitality and leaves the bash to find his convoy of limos and hummers up on bricks and minus their stereos.
CHARLOTTE CHURCH wants her preening oil slick of a boyfriend, Gavin Henson, to propose to her.
However, before popping the question, Gavin wants to focus on Wales’ inevitably short World Cup campaign as well as the constant battle to keep his hair looking like a cockatoo.
Charlotte is already pregnant with the couple’s first baby so any chances of another audience with the Pope seem to be slim. A wedding between the two of them will be a traditional affair with much rowdy, drunken behaviour, middle aged aunts trying to bag themselves a hunky young rugby player and a huge argument ending in tears before everyone makes up. So, a typical Monday night in the Church household in that case.
DISGUSTINGLY thin skanks, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, are to become fat camp counsellors on the new series of The Simple Life.
Having been born twigs and devoted their whole lives to avoiding healthy living, parents that send their little chubsters to these degrading resorts would not be happy with the bimbos as tutors.
But producers have decided that ratings are more important allowing campers to tackle the problems that have made their parents send them to these hellholes.
In the camp, Paris and Nicole will be bringing their own personal touch to the regime, including seminars on “Covering up those tell tale vomit stains,” and “Cocaine: the low calorie alternative to an evening meal.”
NO-LONGER-FUNNY comedian Chris Rock fears the confusion about the state of his marriage came from him openly stating he was bored in his comedy act.
In his act he said that “anything that is forever is entombment… People make a big deal out of, ‘You say marriage is boring.”
The irritating comedian, who has managed to make a two decade career out of eight minutes of material, went on to say sex was boring with his wife.
Maybe he’s been rehearsing his routine during love-making.
BRITNEY SPEARS is reported to have developed a coke problem in her rehab centre as her troubles seem to be worsening. She has been drinking around 24 cans of the stuff in a day as well as eating other sources of sugar like candy, donuts and cakes. Not content with having ruined every man’s fantasies by shaving off all her hair, Britney is now intent on making herself a huge size to go with her new look, a far cry from her days of Baby, One More Time and this is the real tragedy of the whole episode. The majority of backpackers interviewed have said that, even if Britney weighed 24 stones and sported a Bobby Charlton-style combover, they still “probably would.”
A GLASGOW girl made herself the envy of the female western world by telling of her night of passion with Brad Pitt.
The Hollywood stud met barmaid Jillian Lamb whilst filming Interview with the Vampire. Among the 16-year-old mini-skirted lasses that are stock-in-trade for Glasgow nightlife, he took a fancy to Jillian. “Brad spoke to me a few times during the day. And at closing time we decided to head on elsewhere. Although we ended up in bed, I insisted on keeping my knickers on. We just kissed and cuddled,” causing a mass of open jawed disbelief and shouts of “you stupid girl” from 50 per cent of the world’s population.
Jillian claims that this budding romance was brought to an end by her own local bad-boy.
JOSS STONE has been told to stop f***ing for tracks by a music producer who claims that she sleeps with top stars to get them to collaborate on her albums.
In the funniest rant of the year to date, the in-no-way-bitter Dallas Austin claims: “She wants attention from producers. The problem is you got her - Joss Stone - and all these bitches wanna f**k for tracks. That’s all she was doing to each producer. These girls want attention from producers and then jump ship when they don’t get it.”
If what Austen says is true, it casts a whole new shadow on the 7000 word thank you page on her website.
Included in this are Vinny Jones, Lauren Hill (we would like to see how Joss enlisted her help) and her pet dogs as well as the recently deceased James Brown. That girl really does go to some lengths to produce her dinner party fodder.
PRETTY boy Jesse Metcalfe, who is rumoured to be soon getting married to Girls Aloud stunner Nadine Coyle, has checked himself into rehab after going on a four-day bender.
If a four-day-bender constitutes a serious problem then we all better start checking the yellow pages for the nearest rehab centre. What is it with these pampered Americans and rehab? Surely the best way to solve a problem is to have the strength of character to do it yourself?
If the obvious charms of Nadine Coyle’s never-ending legs aren’t enough to keep a man away from the pub then women-folk everywhere must be despairing.
Nadine hit him with a rolling-pin when he got in.
MICHELLE PFEIFFER was thrilled after being complimented on her breasts in the street – by a woman.
Unfortunately, the MILF is not considering experimenting with the fairer sex, but is simply delighted when told by her fans that she is a naturally beautiful actress, even though a quick glance in the mirror should tell her this.
Commenting on the encounter, she said: “I made her feel sexy about her small breasts and that made me feel really good. I walked away thinking, ‘I’m hot!’.”
AMERICAN self-righteous super-bitch Oprah Winfrey has denied allegations her newly-founded school in South Africa is too strict.
The fabulously irritating TV star is insisting it provides students with a “safe” and “structured” environment to learn in. The media mogul set up the £20.4 million Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa in January in the small town of Henley-on-Klip, south of Johannesburg.
The school aims to give 152 girls from deprived backgrounds a high quality education.
Probably seeing herself as a modern day Florence Nightingale, she said that claims by parents of pupils’ claims of super strict rules are absolute bollocks before bullying the girls into chanting “We love you Miss Winfrey,” at the top of their voices.
MR BEAN actor Rowan Atkinson may be about to cause the American Special Forces Unit hunting Osama Bin Laden some serious problems.
The actor is to play the world’s most wanted man in a comedy sketch.
Atkinson said: “There’s something potentially comic about anyone hiding in the way he is, with the whole world looking for him. “I met someone who knew him when he lived in London years ago. He used to meet him at dinner parties, across the table. “There’s something very funny about the idea of Bin Laden at a dinner party in Kensington.”
There’s something even funnier about the possibility of a British actor being assassinated after being mistaken for the world’s most wanted criminal.
NARROW-MINDED church leaders in Tobago want to ban Elton John from performing on the island - for fear that his presence will turn the locals into Bible-bending homosexuals.
“His visit to the island can open the country to be tempted towards pursuing his lifestyle,” said Philip Isaac, Archdeacon of Trinidad and Tobago.
Isaac also criticised John’s marriage to long-term partner David Furnish, citing the union as not conforming to religious teachings, but added the Rocket Man could be saved by God.
He explained: “The artist is one of God’s children and while his lifestyle is questionable, he needs to be ministered onto.”
Reports are, however, that Isaac would really like to minister something else to Elton and is just jealous because the pop star once turned down an offer to spoon him during confession.
STROPPY long-haired lycra-lover Justin Hawkins stormed off stage when he lost the UK place in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest to chav pop-group Scooch.
The Darkness dropout, who paired up with Beverlei Brown to perform They Don’t Make Them Like They Used To, protested as soon as Fearne Cotton announced the defeat.
“The United Kingdom must be either racist or stupid not to have voted for Big Brovaz or Beverlei Brown.
“It’s like when multi-award-winning, multimillion-selling Lemar lost to David ‘Three stars at Burger King’ Sneddon in Fame Academy all those years ago. Nothing ever changes,” said Hawkins, talking sense for once.
As usual there was a bevvy of startling talent to choose from including East 17’s Brian Harvey, hip-hop group Big Brovaz and Atomic Kitten’s Liz McClarnon.
Formerly defunct boy-girl four-piece Scooch camped it up with their airline-themed, innuendo-ridden Flying The Flag (For You).
ROBBIE WILLIAMS had to leave his previous rehab centre because the poor lamb felt “uncomfortable” according to his sister.
But the bad news for prescription pharmacists trying to make a living in the Stoke-on-Trent area is that he is intending to continue his course elsewhere.
“He felt uncomfortable… in there so he had to come out and is going to use another facility,” Sally explained.
It is thought that, contrary to his specifications before he entered, people were not bowing to him and telling him how great he is at every opportunity.
She stated: “It is not a celebrity rehab centre, it is quite a grass roots centre,” and thus contained only the likes of Brian Harvey and Jason Donovan, as opposed to the A list f**k-ups like Britney Spears and Courtney Love.
ARROGANT tosser Simon Cowell has veered completely into self-loving lunacy by claiming he’s bigger than Bruce Springsteen. In a TV interview, the ignorant American Idol judge said he’s worth five times more to Sony BMG than The Boss.
Speaking as his head acquired humongous proportions, the twat said: “I sell more records than Bruce Springsteen, sure.”
Well, at least Bruce isn’t ugly with a penchant for wearing trousers up to his neck. Oh, and people actually like him.
ANYONE accusing celebs of having skewed priorities will be eating humble pie after Jamelia used her latest gig to promote the latest worthwhile cause, the Support Britney Spears Campaign.
Shunning faddish causes such as Amnesty International, Tsunami Relief and Aids Africa, Jamelia sported a yellow t-shirt with the slogan “Tears for Spears.”
Bringing a tear to the eye of anyone with a heart, Jamelia said: “As a mum I know all about the pressures of juggling a music career with raising your kids. Britney’s obviously having a tough time and I hope she pulls it all together. I’m sure she can come back stronger than ever.”
Jamelia is looking into the possibility of sending a group of wacky student street fundraisers to Darfur to collect money on behalf of the appeal.
THE LEGENDARY Roger Daltrey had to leave the stage during The Who’s first song in Tampa complaining of “bronchitis.” After Daltrey’s departure, Pete Townshend came on to stage and announced that the show had been cancelled.
Townshend said: “I just talked to Roger and he can barely speak,” not noticing the apparent contradiction that could have led non-Americans to suspect something was up.
“I tried to get him to come out here, but he’s really, really sick” said the guitarist. Proving that Americans are easy to please, the 9,000 people at the show seemed cheered when Townshend told them the concert would be rescheduled for March 25.
THE FANTASTIC Arctic Monkeys have unveiled the artwork for their forthcoming album Favourite Worst Nightmare, to be released on April 23.
“The idea was to get a house or a factory that looks really plain and bland, dark satanic mills or whatever, and then inside there’s all this colour” said lead singer, Alex Turner. Finding a dark and dingy warehouse proved to be no problem coming, as they do, from Sheffield.
Builders took a wall off the building to allow the inside to be photographed. Being a little youth himself, Alex sees the potential problem.
“There’s all these kids from the area gathering outside it every night now. They’re trying to secure it, but it’s probably going to get burnt down now!”
ILLEGAL downloads are destroying the lives of top music stars who want nothing more than to share their art with the world and get paid lots of money for doing so, according to Antony Hegarty from Antony & the Johnsons.
The next time you are answering phones in a job you hate and are considering illegally downloading music, think that there are people less fortunate than you, people who are doing a job they love but are only able to live lives of semi-luxury as opposed to extravagant excess.
The singer said: “I feel like the thing I have to offer an audience is the live experience. But for them to record my concerts sort of feels like I am being stolen from,” he whined.
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