.: Cath’s Blog:.

Stoners are holding their bongs aloft in celebration at the news that cannabis smoked today is up to 20 times stronger than it was in the 1980s.
The major difference is an increase in intensive indoor cultivation, rather than allowing the plant to grow naturally outdoors. Producers are also now using cross-fertilisation techniques to produce much stronger hybrid varieties of the drug, most notably skunk.
The combination of these factors has made the drug much stronger.
Inhaling from a massive cone, one cannabis user slowly said: “Yeah, this shit is, like, awesome, man. Will you go to the shops and get me some Pringles? Oh, and a Curlywurly?”

Two-bedroom apartments in Woking are being put on the market for just 1p. However, this is not because Woking is a soulless, middle-class hellhole, but is actually a bid to help first-time buyers get a much-needed foot on the property ladder.
The scheme auctions properties via an internet bidding process with a twist - the lowest unique bidder wins.
The idea works by charging people £3 per bid via the internet or text, which allows organisers to recoup the cost of the property and auction process, and gives one lucky chancer a new home for next to nothing.

In spite of the fact that he no doubt has countless toffs throwing themselves at him, it turns out that Britain’s richest man is addicted to prozzers.
The Duke of Westminster, who is worth a fairly impressive £6.6billion and is the country’s biggest landowner, paid for four hookers in six weeks to visit his plush house in the West End of London. The ridiculously named Gerald Cavendish Grosvenor, 55, is head of the Territorial Army, and is accused by the News Of The World of bragging to the prostitutes that he knew the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden.
Brilliantly, the Prince of Wales has previously entrusted Grosvenor with the responsibility of acting as private mentor and guide to Prince William.

Backpackerswho struggle to scrape enough change together to buy a box of goon might be interested to know that Lottery operator Camelot is planning a worldwide draw, with the jackpot set to be a world record £200million.
Six or seven balls would be picked out at separate locations across the globe and revealed on TV and the internet with the utterly ridiculous prize on offer to the winning ticket.
Camelot said its World Lottery Draw would be monthly and create up to 100 millionaires, and that 48 countries had shown an interest in the draw.
The world record for a lottery win so far is £161million, which was scooped by some lucky bastard the US in 2002.

Allof us who find it hard to get through the day without squeezing in a quick forty-winks are excited to learn that scientists believe that taking afternoon naps could dramatically cut a person’s risk of dying from heart disease.
A regular siesta reduces the chances of heart-related death by one-third among all adults, they found. However, before you install your hammock above your desk, spoilsport professor, Jim Horne, poured cold water on the findings. “Generally speaking, if people need to take a lengthy sleep during the day it’s because they are not getting enough sleep at night,” he said. “It’s questionable whether employers, for example, should be providing the facilities for workers to sleep at work simply because they are not ensuring they get sufficient sleep in their own time. I don’t think they should.”

A mother is devastated after her 16-year-old daughter has married a 50-year-old biker she met at the local church.
Twice-divorced former roadie, Philip Nash, met Kayley Simock after attending a religious service where she was playing the guitar, and the dirty old git took her for a spin on his motorbike, causing the teenager to become completely infatuated with him, despite the fact that he is nine years older than her own mother.
The new Mrs Nash said: “I am with a man who looks after me and cares for me and would do absolutely nothing to hurt me. I love him and we’re bestest buds. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”

Floppy-dicked failures are rejoicing at news that they will are now able to pick up Viagra over the counter.
Boots the chemists are making the knob-stiffening drug available on the high street for the first time and, in a trial scheme, the company will offer men a pack of four tablets for £50.
However, rather than just being able to pick up a packet while they are buying their Meal Deal at lunchtime, customers will have to give a medical history and have their blood pressure, cholesterol and glucose levels tested in order to ensure they are suitable for the pills.
While trying to hide his sizeable erection under his desk, Boots healthcare director Alex Gourlay said: “By creating a service that is easily accessible on the high street we hope that we help many more men seek help for a very common condition.”

Teenageboys at a church high school are getting a bit tight in the trouser region at news that one of their female teachers operates ‘erotic vampire’ websites.
English and drama teacher Samantha Goldstone has agreed to stay away from St Christopher’s Church of England High School in Lancashire while bosses investigate her grubby second life.
Her personal MySpace website, which has been shut down, included provocative images and videos, and also contained references to her gothic writing which she boasts contains “adult content with vampire eroticism, violence and blood lust.”
While frantically Googling her with his trousers round his ankles, the headmaster of the school said: “These concerns have to be investigated appropriately and while we do this the member of staff has agreed to stay away from school.”

Fat smokershave got the hump because Health Secretary, Patricia Hewitt, has said that they should be denied hospital treatment.
The Health Secretary reckons it is right for those whose lifestyle choices could make treatment ineffective to be refused care in some circumstances, and has singled out people who smoke or are overweight.
Health trusts in Suffolk were among the first to announce that fatties would be denied hip and knee replacements on the NHS, as they said their replacement joints would wear out faster.

Beggarsare taking over the Irish streets, according to the government. In a crackdown which seems to have yielded slightly less impressive results than they would have hoped for, flowers, copies of a homeless magazine and fake documentation have been seized in a police operation against city centre beggars.
The crackdown comes after several complaints from the public about aggressive beggars, and others who had been using children to appeal to passers by.
Inspector Robert Murdie said this was a case where prosecution was not the solution, and instead, interpreters have been brought in to talk to some of the beggars who are mainly from Eastern Europe. “The operation has made an immediate impact in reducing the number of people begging,” he said. “We did this through a graduated approach of education and enforcement. Fortunately, the message seems to be getting through and we did not have to make any arrests.”

Obviouslytrying to keep up with England’s couldn’t-give-a-shit attitude to dangerous criminals, over 200 people charged with serious offences in Ireland are being released on bail every week, according to new figures.
Comfortingly for law-abiding citizens, four-in-10 people charged with serious offences involving a firearm were granted bail last year, while a quarter of people charged with drug trafficking and a fifth of people charged with homicide offences were also released by lenient judges.

Irish chat show legend, Gay Byrne, has won a lifetime achievement award at the Irish Film and Television Awards.
Byrne, who hosted state broadcaster RTE’s The Late Late Show for a whopping 37 years, which is more than a life-sentence, was presented with his award by world-saving scruff Bob Geldof and actor Gabriel Byrne.
Other winners at the Dublin ceremony included Ken Loach, whose Wind That Shakes The Barley was named best film.
Cillian Murphy, who stars in the movie, won the best Irish actor award for his portrayal of a transvestite cabaret singer in another film, Breakfast On Pluto.

While your budget barely covers the cost of a packet of two-minute noodles, shoppers in Ireland have been told to expect rapid food price rises in the coming weeks with supermarkets and convenience stores set to shift the burden of increased costs onto the public.
Bread and cereals are expected to increase in price by at least 10 per cent, while fruit juices and products made with them could go up by as much as 15 per cent.
Ensuring that customers are going to be well and truly out of pocket, all foods containing tomato, certain oils and sugars as well as fish and anything requiring a high level of packaging will also go up in price.
Food and Drink Industry Ireland director, Paul Kelly, said: “Industry is at breaking point and has no option but to pass on some of these costs to retailers.”

Sad celebrity skeleton, Nicole Richie, is apparently shitting herself at the thought of spending her nights curled up next to an 18-stone lesbian biker by the name of Betsy after being caught driving while pissed.
Richie is said to be terrified at the thought of going to jail and has confided in her closest pals. So which responsible confidante did Nicole choose to share her deepest fears with? Blonde airhead Paris Hilton of course.
The two were spotted in a Los Angeles restaurant and Nicole was overheard spilling her guts on her fears of shacking up with a ‘vinegar tits’ from Prisoner: Cell Block H look-alike. She shouldn’t worry too much though - being so skinny she has to run around in the shower to get wet - she could slip between her cell bars without any hassle.

Mono-browed mutant, Noel Gallagher, has this week hilariously claimed that if he was to go solo, he would be bigger than Elvis.
Despite only selling about 118 albums there and having more shots at breaking America than Osama Bin Laden, the pretentious prick reckons if he was to leave Oasis then he could be the world’s biggest solo recording artist.
Speaking as he preened himself in the mirror and practiced his best Elvis lip, the Manc monkey said: “If I was a solo artist I would be the biggest solo artist in the country easy, no messing, within a year, but I prefer being in a band.
“But don’t ever think that I couldn’t do it. I could. I’d be bigger than Elvis. I would.” Course you would, Noel.

Ironically,with her body barely cold, the vultures are swooping around tragic celebrity Anna Nicole Smith’s mountains of cash, and an astonishing £274million paternity battle over her baby daughter looks set to turn nasty.
Anna’s husband, Howard K Stern, former lover Larry Birkhead and even Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband all claim to be the father of five-month-old Dannielynn.
Whoever is ruled to be the biological dad will hit the jackpot, as they could then seek to take over the estate of the dead model.
Within hours of the model’s death, compassionate lawyers acting for Birkhead filed a motion in Los Angeles demanding that samples of the child’s DNA be taken to resolve the paternity dispute.

Ralph Fiennes is in a spot of bother after a member of the cabin crew claims the actor tried to get in on with her in a jet’s toilet.
Qantas stewardess, Lisa Robertson, said the 44-year-old followed her into the bog, on the hunt for a bit of mile-high action. She said: “I explained that this was inappropriate and asked him to leave. Mr Fiennes became amorous towards me and after a short period I convinced him to leave, which he did.”

Seemingly not intending to stay fit for very much longer, actress Jennifer Garner is obsessed with McDonald’s breakfasts, and can’t stop fantasising about them.
The Alias star was taken for an artery-clogging McGriddle by actor/director Kevin Smith, and now she can’t forget about how delicious it was.
A source said: “Jennifer has said the biggest, most indulgent onset romance of her career has been with the McGriddle. Kevin introduced her to it and now she can’t get them off her mind.”
The not-entirely-healthy treat consists of a sausage and an egg, covered in cheese and encased in a bun filled with sweet maple syrup.

The oddest man in Hollywood, Billy Bob Thornton, has cranked his weirdometer up a notch by announcing that he has a phobia of former British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli’s hair. The mentally-imbalanced actor is also terrified of antique furniture, suitcases and potatoes, but the thing that really gives him the shits is the late politician’s thinning, wavy barnet, and he reckons he can’t eat if he thinks too much about it.
“I was watching some old movie once, I don’t remember the name of it, but Benjamin Disraeli was a character in it, and there was just something about his hair. I don’t know what it was, maybe some food accidentally got in there somehow,” he shuddered. “There was something about the way it swept out to the side of his head. I couldn’t breathe too well.”

Shane Richie caused panic when he left a “suicide note” in his flat, and caused his cleaning lady to phone his bosses to tell them that she thought he might have topped himself. However, rather than Ritchie finally reaching the realisation that he really wasn’t very funny and deciding to end it all, the letter was actually part of the script for his latest show.
The letter read: “This world is too much for me. I can’t go on with all the disastrous things that keep happening around me.”
The irritatingly chirpy former EastEnders star said: “The suicide note was part of a script. But the landlady called the TV company because she was convinced I was going to jump off a bridge or something.

While most of us are grateful to receive a pint off our mates and a handful of driving lessons from our folks, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will finally get his mitts on his £20million fortune on his 18th birthday.
As countless hot teenage girls were lining up to nosh him off, the lucky bastard said: “I’ve not got a girlfriend at the moment. Somebody said, ‘Do you worry girls are just giving you attention because of who you are?’ I was like, ‘I’m 17, it’s wonderful’.”

One of the morons in the centre of the Big Brother racism row, Jo O’Meara, has finally apologised for tormenting eventual winner Shilpa Shetty.
After initially denying doing anything wrong, the brain of Britain has realised that it might well be in her best interests to say sorry for acting like a ignorant, maliciaous, brainless cow on the reality show.
After receiving death threats, she said: “I am genuinely sorry. I am totally shattered and scared to go home. Am I the first person in the world to make a mistake or say regrettable things? I’m devastated, sorry and have no idea what to do next.”
However, she still couldn’t stop herself from trying to shift some of the blame. “There were many instances of manipulation by the programme makers and they have to take responsibility too.”

As the Brit Awards approach, moaning mono-browed Manc, Noel Gallagher, has once again been slagging off his peers. Brilliantly, he has been having a pop at worthier-than-thou messiah, Bono. “Play One, and shut the f**k up about Africa,” he advised him.
Radiohead were next on his list of people to have a go at, as he questioned their political stance. “Who wants to sing the news? No matter how much you sit there twiddling, going, ‘We’re all doomed’, at the end of the day people will always want to hear you play Creep.” Even his brother wasn’t immune from his sharp tongue. “Liam is still a very silly young man. He talks out of his arse 23 hours of the day,” he said. “I like to think I keep it real. Liam keeps it surreal.”

Fans queued in the snow to get an earful of Kaiser Chiefs’ new material in Leeds last week.
The wacky forty-somethings’ gig at the Metropolitan University on Thursday was kept secret until the last minute, and was only announced on the radio on the morning of the show.
The announcement was enough for fans to cream their pants with excitement and line up in the freezing conditions for tickets.
The band ripped through a host of new songs to a frenzied crowd. Bassist, Simon Rix, gushed: “I felt like a Beatle. All the kids were screaming.”

Online encyclopaedia Wikipedia has once again wrongly pronounced beardy nice-guy, Dave Grohl, dead.
Last week the musician’s details had been altered to read “David Eric Grohl (January 14 1969 - February 5 2007).” No explanation was given for the deceased date.
This is not the first time the former Nirvana drummer has died. Last year, a prankster/idiot altered the same site.
Talking to NME about how he found out about how he had died, Grohl explained: “I got a phone message from a friend saying ‘Er, I guess… Jordyn [Grohl’s wife]… this is maybe… for you. I’m so sorry to hear what happened’. I heard this message and went ‘What the f**k?’ They were leaving a message on my cell phone saying ‘I’m sorry Dave died’. That was weird, but I guess I’ve finally graduated to that status of being an internet rumour.”

Terminal dullard, James Blunt, is trying to make himself seem a bit more of a party animal by performing at Elton John’s annual Academy Awards party this year.
“Everyone thinks I’m this quiet singer-songwriter who stays at home every night. I’ve never been that person. I’m a big partier. I drink a lot. I do,” he protested, rather dubiously, while his mum brought him a cup of coco and put his favourite episode of Heartbeat on the TV for him.

While Britney persists in pissing her career away, Christina Aguilera continues to surprise music fans by proving she is more than just a vocal-gymnast in a pair of stupid trousers. Ahead of her US tour, she has been confronting the subject of domestic violence.
Talking of her childhood, she warbled: “I do talk openly about my past and what I have been through, abuse being something that was very real in my household. I think it is important to talk about the things that other people might shy away from. The topic is something that is such a hush-hush thing. People don’t like to talk about it.”

Justin Timberlake has hardly been crying a river following the break up from his soul mate, Cameron Diaz, and has wasted no time trying to get his end away with the obscenely fit Scarlett Johansson instead.
The trousersnake persuaded the actress to star in his new video for single What Goes Around, the plot of which oh-so conveniently requires him to snog her face off and frolick with her in a swimming pool. The clip has fueled speculation that the two are getting it on.

Punk legends The Stooges have announced their first tour in over two decades. Iggy Pop, renowned for his terrifying stare and strange varicose-veined torso, and the band have announced nine gigs in the US and will also play festivals in Norway and Switzerland.
The tour will showcase songs from a new album, The Weirdness, which is their first release in nearly thirty years.

Permanently pissed singer, Amy Winehouse, has rather unconvincingly claimed that she isn’t a trashbag, but is actually happiest at home, cooking for her bloke.
“Of course I like a drink. But I only tend to get on it when I’m bored. Then, once I start, I don’t know when to stop,” she explained, while skulling a bottle of red wine. “There is another side to me people don’t see. I also like to get up early, cook my fella breakfast, then go to the gym. That’s my routine and I like to stick to it.”
This is a serious departure from her previous lifestyle, which saw her sitting at home smoking weed all day, every day. She was so mashed during this time that she got a tattoo of her ex-boyfriend’s name on her boob, which she is keeping because, she says: “I need reminding what an idiot I am.”

Tiny terror, Lily Allen, just can’t keep her mouth shut these days. In the latest installment of ‘People I don’t Like by Lily Allen’ the pop shrew has had a go at Jet, the Streets and even music’s most inoffensive character, Corinne Bailey Rae.
In her internet blog she describes how she got pissed as a fart and started throwing bottles at Jet drummer Chris Cester and then went on to have a set-two with equally lairy Streets frontman, Mike Skinner.
Allen, who must be making her whole family glow with pride, then moved onto Corinne Bailey Rae. She said: “I think she’s a bit boring. She’s a lovely girl but I don’t think her music stands out and I’d be a bit annoyed if she won best female.”

Obviously concerned that he is going to cark it soon if he doesn’t stop beating his body into submission with any hard drug he can get his hands on, Pete Doherty’s bird, Kate Moss, is hunting for a private remote hideaway in Scotland in a bid to get him clean.
The pasty singer’s band, Babyshambles, have recently signed a new record deal, but there seems to be more likelihood of him ending up in a wooden box than actually putting out many albums, if he keeps hanging round with the bunch of drug addicts that cling onto his coattails.