Despite its controversy and despite the fact that it’s been banned in several countries, the Kazakhstan president has laughed off the Borat film saying that any publicity is good publicity. And Nursultan Nazarbayev is probably right. Although most Kazakhstani’s want to kick his head in, like it or not, Sacha Baron Cohen’s film has put the country, which most people didn’t know existed, on the map. “The film was created by a comedian so let’s laugh at it - that’s my attitude”, said Nazarbayev rubbing his hands at the prospect of a possible tourist coming to his country because of the film. “There is a positive side of all this. There is a saying that all publicity is good publicity.
Evil scumbag Rose West is living it up on gourmet Italian nosh behind bars, according to the most reliable paper in Britain, The Sun. Sickened insiders told the newspaper that the mass murderer was enjoying slap-up meals with puddings and coffee to follow, instead of rotting away in a dark, damp cell. A source at the £200million nick said: “The whole thing is a joke. The Italian menu would not have been out of place in a top-class restaurant”. Lets hope shechokes on her tiramisu.
We’re all in denial about the effects of throwing Stella down our necks according to a survey carried out by insurer Legal and General. Only 12 per cent of Brits questioned cared about the effects of binge drinking on their health, while 32 per cent of blokes and 24 per cent of birds between the age of 16 to 24 years-old admitted to being binge drinkers. Legal and General’s Chris Rolland said:“The record levels of alcohol-related illnesses being reported in British hospitals and the low level of concern of drinking too much expressed by our research findings would suggest that there is a gap in Brits’ understanding of the effect drinking too much can have on our health.” Yeah, whatever.
Tony Blair has become the penultimate person on planet earth to admit that the war in Iraq has been disastrous, making George Bush as the last man to blindly praise the ludicrous fiasco as a success. Blair’s surprising admission came when Sir David Frost challenged him by saying that the invasion had “so far been pretty much of a disaster.” After years of denial, the beleaguered PM finally agreed with the rest of the population of the country he runs “It has,” he admitted, while remaining defiant. “We are not walking away from Iraq. We will stay for as long as the government needs us to stay.” Meanwhile, Prospective Labour leadership candidate John McDonnell has also had a dig at Blair, saying: “Increasingly now, Labour ministers and others know that the decision to invade Iraq was a catastrophic mistake.”
Loutish youths know what to put on the top of their Christmas list. A new book has been released offering them advice on how to attain the most coveted of all achievements, an ASBO. The manual, titled How To Get An ASBO offers useful suggestions on how to be “the most anti-social members of your neighbourhood,” such as chaining up a pit bull so that it barks all day. Alison Parsons, head of Birmingham City Council’s Anti-Social Behaviour Unit, said: “This book is absolutely terrible. It certainly isn’t funny.”
Brits are too reserved to call for help when they are having a heart attack, a charity has warned. The good old English stiff upper lip could be stopping tens of thousands of people seeking help when they are close to carking it, according to the British Heart Foundation. Four in ten sufferers tend to assume heart attack pain should be excruciating and often mistake it for indigestion. Rather than cause a fuss, they decide against making the life-saving call to 999, and instead wait to see if the pain goes away by itself. A spokesman said: “These statistics portray a very worrying and, perhaps very British, reluctance to call 999 even in the most serious of emergencies. Maybe it is our natural reserve and stoicism, but it is costing lives.”
In an act of comedy clumsiness reminiscent of Frank Spencer, a police officer sprayed himself in the face with CS gas while trying to catch a criminal. PC Dave Townsend temporarily blinded himself when he accidentally emptied the contents of the can on himself, allowing the light-fingered assailant to escape. The hapless law-enforcer was chasing a crook who had robbed a bottle of cider from a supermarket when he made his eye-stinging error. “The CS gas works on your tear ducts and your mucus so I was unable to see as my eyes were full of water,” he sobbed. The boozy crims were collared by less useless policemen an hour later.
Not content with totally ballsing up the rebuilding of Wembley Stadium, it seems that London’s Olympic bid is going to descend into farce as well, as news has been leaked that the bill for the 2012 games has already rocketed towards £8billion rather than the original estimate of a paltry £2.4billion. Smug Tory culture spokesman Hugo Swire guffawed: “It now seems quite clear that the initial budget was done on the back of a fag packet.” James Frayne, of the Taxpayers’ Alliance, said: “People want the Olympics in Britain, but that will change if they have to pick up the bill for spiralling costs.” Still, the happy memory of seeing all of those miserable French faces when the decision came through to give the games to London makes the enormous expense seem entirely worthwhile.
It seems that Ford Open Prison is a little too open for its own good, as 70 convicts have done a bunk from there this year alone, the red-faced Home Office has admitted. In news that will have local residents double checking that their doors are locked at night, three murderers are among those who have scarpered from the Sussex jail since January. Almost half of them, including one murderer serving a life sentence, have yet to be caught, according to official figures.
Nine members of an expert forgery gang, who created a massive threat to the economy by flooding Britain with more than £14million in fake notes, were chucked in the slammer for a total of 41 and a half years today. Dozens of delightful family members and supporters screamed insults at police, court officials and journalists, particularly when a mother among those in the dock fainted after being told she was to be sent to prison for four years. As an ambulance was called for 41-year-old Tracy Byard, at least one member of her family tried to pull open the door of the secure dock to help her. London’s Snaresbrook Crown Court heard that the slick operation, based in a tiny back street printing studio, was the “largest” ever uncovered in England and responsible for two-thirds of the forgeries seized by bank authorities last year. However, police reckon millions more top-quality fakes remain in circulation.
Parents in Britain have been warned they will get whacked with a £1,000 fine if their delinquent sprogs spend their days flushing other kids’ heads down the toilets. Education secretary, Alan Johnson, has warned that there will be a zero tolerance policy towards school bullies, as campaigners say that 20,000 shit-scared kids skip school every day to avoid being terrorized in the playground. “Truanting is a symptom of bullying and not only the behaviour of lazy and troublemaking young people,” said John Quinn, from Beatbullying, while being given a massive wedgie by bigger boys.
An unlucky thief was caught red-handed after trying to make a hasty getaway in an unmarked police car. Officers were shocked to see the man climb into the back with a stolen handbag and tell the driver to speed away. Rather than agree to his request, the plain clothes policemen simply locked the doors and sped him to the nearest police station. The crook was carrying a bag containing £7,000 that he had swiped from a bowling alley.
The traditional lunch hour has all but disappeared in the Republic, with lunch now being scoffed down in an average of 38 minutes, according to a new survey. Carried out by Eurest, their Lunchtime Report found that the main reasons for people not having a leisurely lunch were having too much work on or being too busy. Meanwhile, a jobsworth seven per cent of those surveyed said they’d rather work than eat anyway, while an anxious four per cent said they didn’t take lunch because their bosses didn’t. Still the Irish still know how to savour their sarnies and kit-kat compared to the Brits, who wolf their scram down in a gut churning 28 minutes.
Thieving buggers in Ireland best be careful as The Tánaiste and Minister for Justice, Michael McDowell, has said he intends to change the law to allow home owners to protect themselves from intruders following recommendations by the Law Reform Commission. Speaking sense in a world of political correctness and compensation for burglars slipping on rugs, the commission outlined the need to set out the extent of forces including lethal force, which may be used to repel an attack. However don’t go stocking up on sawn-off shotguns yet, as McDowell has insisted that this would not represent what he called a “license to kill.”
Dublin city can look forward to a bit of a face-lift after the city’s new manager, John Tierney, has said that they’ll be splashing out €4 billion on sexing the place up over the next decade. The Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen treatment will primarily be directed at new housing in the form of high-rise apartments, while Dubliners can also expect to see areas of the city made into Architectural Conservation zones, and new drab shopping centres for boyfriends to be tortured in.
A one-day strike at the Bank of Ireland was postponed last week, after bigwigs at the bank shat themselves and agreed to talk to the workers trade union, Amicus, over a supposedly less favourable pension scheme which has been introduced for new staff. Negotiations are currently going ahead between the Bank of Ireland and Amicus over the new pension plan, which could see employees not having a pot to piss in when they retire.
The luck of the Irish has ran out for those living in Britain, after Sky News Ireland has been axed from the schedule, outraging those wanting to keep up with current affairs back in the Republic. Numerous calls to The Irish Post from angry viewers have shown that they weren’t too busy drinking Guinness to notice it being axed: “I can’t believe it, I’m gutted it’s finished”, said an angry Irishman. “Every other nationality, whether from an entirely different continent can get their news from home. Yet we, an hour across the water, can’t. It’s ridiculous.” Making a pathetic excuse and trying to skirt around the issue, Head of Sky News, John Ryley, said; “The decision to change direction is a difficult one but our commitment to choice and innovation means that we will always take risks and try new ideas.”
Fed up with being taught by charmless old hags, spotty schoolkids have voted Jessica Alba as the person that they would most like as a substitute teacher for the day. The star of Sin City came out on top of an online poll conducted by the National Education Association, unsurprisingly beating brainier but uglier competitors such as Opera Winfrey. Angelina Jolie just missed out on the award, presumably because kids feared that she would try and adopt them as she does with most other children on the planet.
Poor old Pammie has been too busy helping raise orphaned kestrels and fulfilling her various other roles as an animal rights campaigner, to look after her very own Chihuahua. The mammoth breasted babe palmed her mutt off on her parents while she was away in Canada, but sadly their hands proved to be about as safe as David James’ and the pooch has quite literally gone walkies from a Malibu beach. Naturally having the instinct of a pet detective, Pammie believes Luca has been pet-napped and has subtly pointed the finger of blame at two parties; “I think somebody took him”, she said picking up some sand and tasting it. “There was a construction crew and an old person walking along the beach on the public pathways. I need him back.”
No doubt giving every heterosexual male in the vicinity the raging horn, ex-Baywatch piece of hotness Carmen Electra and female rocker Joan Jett were seen snogging each other’s faces off after a concert in LA. And apparently the lusty, lesbian clinch was far from a one-off, with the rampant couple continuing their canoodling at an after party for the gig. “They weren’t even trying to hide it. They were fully kissing and going at it”, said a witness running to the toilets with a box of Kleenex. “They were very physical, there was lots of hugging, kissing and touching.”
In between dampening women’s knickers, George Clooney takes a keen interest in politics, so much so that his close friend, British director Stephen Frears, has urged him to run for US president. Well he certainly couldn’t balls things up as much as the George that’s in now. “He’d make a great president”, said Frears, massaging the eternal bachelors ego. “George is straight forward and in touch with the people.” However it is unlikely that we’ll be seeing another celeb in US politics as it looks like Clooney is unprepared to give up his current job of bedding fit women. “I’d be a terrible candidate. I have absolutely no patience for compromise. The job I have now is the best in the world,” he said.
Nobody gave a toss when she was singing about being “like a bird that flies away,” but now Nelly Furtado’s (right) ditched the boring, innocent virgin image and started singing about being a ‘promiscuous girl’ eye brows have started to raise, including Hugh Hefner’s. Fit Furtado has revealed that she’s been offered $500,000 by Playboy to get her kit off, although it seems the Heff might want to loosen the purse strings and stop being such a tight arse if he wants to get her in the hall of fame, as she’s knocked the offer back. In a contradictory statement, blatantly hinting that more cash could tempt her into losing her knickers, Furtado said; “It was tempting. It almost plays on your vanity. But I like to save a little bit for the bedroom. It’s something to be preserved a little bit for yourself. But that’s not to say that I would never do it.”
Jennifer Aniston may be about to press the self-destruct button on her career by appearing on Dancing With The Stars, a US show based on our very own Strictly Come Dancing. The show which sees a selection of has-beens trying to resuscitate their waning career before it fades completely , is notorious for bringing about media whores and hangers on and could be about to claim its latest victim, as Jen is drawn to the Dancing With The Stars flame. “She’s seriously considering doing the show and thinks it would be a laugh”, said a source close to Jen as she buried her head in her hands.
Some might say Liam Gallagher’s left his rock and roll star temperament behind him now he’s virtually married with children, but according to Noel he’s still an idiot with more baggage that your average divorced housewife. “Every time there’s something wrong in Liam’s life, in his madness, it all comes right back to me”, said Noel as he applied Just for Men to his grey hair. “I get phone calls off him at five in the morning”. Noel puts his brother’s behaviour down to his need for constant praise and reassurance that he’s as great as he thinks he is; “He can’t get his head round the fact that Oasis wouldn’t be Oasis without him. When we’re doing these big stadium shows and there’s 60,000 people chanting, ‘Liam, Liam’, I’m like, ‘Isn’t that enough for you?’
Obviously missing the level of intellectual stimulation that her dumb-arse husband Kevin Federline offered her, Britney Spears has hit the town with the equally moronic Paris Hilton. The separated mum-of-two went to Las Vegas with the dopey trashbag, and at one stage classily pulled off her trousers and wandered around in only fishnet stockings and a silk blouse. A source said: “Kevin has been partying and she feels she deserves to enjoy herself too.” Hilton was also seen out the night before with weird-voiced English pop bore James Blunt.
Big-voiced pop midget Christina Aguilera has revealed that she is obsessed with working up a sweat by engaging in some ball-related leisure time. No, she isn’t the latest star of a Paris Hilton/Britney Spears style sex tape, but, far more innocently, she is addicted to playing ping-pong. The vocal gymnast says her favourite hobbies are shopping and table tennis. “I like ping-pong. I like to sleep in. I go shopping when I can,” she said of her thrilling rock n roll lifestyle, while practicing her backhand.
Not sensing that people are growing increasingly tired of his dubious stunts, David Blaine has announced details of his latest challenge. He will be locked, spread-eagled in a spinning gyroscope and hung 50 feet above New York’s Time Square later this month where he will also be spun up to eight times a minute for two days before attempting to escape. “I think I’m going to have to stay awake the whole time. This one’s exciting for me. This one’s a fun one,” he said somewhat unconvincingly.
In a weekly rant that you can set your watch by, funny but miserable git Noel Gallagher has continued to let off steam about the unlikeliest of issues. This week, the generously eyebrowed guitarist has been having a pop at The Green Party. He fumed: “Greens are f***ing hippies with no place in the world. They’ve been telling us for the last 50 years not to use aerosols or the sky’s going to fall in. Well - you’re the scientists, do something about it.” He ranted on to anyone who would listen: “How do you suggest we get 50 million Chinese not to have a fridge, or get 700 million Americans to stop using their big stupid cars? The only way its going to happen is if the sky falls in, until is does, these Greens are wasting their time. I’m glad, because in 50 years time I’ll be dead.”
Incredulous that his ex would rather be with a good-looking, rich, talented megastar than a violent jailbird, Charlotte Church’s former boyfriend Kyle Johnson has been penning her letters from prison, begging her to get back in touch with him. Church’s idiotic former beau is serving a year inside for attacking two clubbers, and apparently the Welsh warbler wants nothing to do with him. A source said: “She was furious. And she used some alarmingly strong language to explain why she doesn’t want anything else to do with him.”
Having traded in trailer trash bint Britney Spears for Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake clearly couldn’t give two shits about his ex-girlfriend’s doomed marriage. During an interview on American TV, Timberlake was quizzed on his thoughts about the messy break up of his former beau and her brain-free hubby Kevin Federline, but clearly had much bigger issues on his mind. When asked if he had a comment, he said profoundly: “Yeah, there’s a war going on in Iraq.”
Barking mad Hollywood shortarse Tom Cruise has tied the knot with Katie Holmes in a wedding ceremony of such opulence that it made Posh and Becks’ effort seem understated. Holmes wore an Armani wedding dress as the couple was wed in an Italian castle in front of a collection of the rich and famous, including Jim Carey, Jennifer Lopez and Will Smith. Cruise wanted tenor Andrea Bocelli to belt out a few numbers at the Church Of Scientology ceremony, but the big-voiced Italian refused, saying: “I am Catholic and I don’t want to participate in the wedding ceremony of another faith – but I will sing afterwards.” The reception included a five-tier chocolate cake and a massive fireworks display, but it wasn’t all romance, as it turns out that a pretty stringent pre-nup has been agreed between the two actors.
Looking like the slightly skinnier younger sister of He-Man baddie Skeletor, Nicole Ritchie has denied claims that she has had gastric band surgery in an attempt to put on a few pounds. The entirely talent-free megastar said: “So I gain a little bit of weight, and I’m accused of having a gastric bypass surgery reversed? It’s pathetic to insinuate I have done this. It’s a shame that instead of hearing supportive words, someone needs to spin it in some negative, absurd way,” she said, while trying not to fall down the cracks in the pavement.
Beautiful hunk Dean Gaffney has been trawling the internet in search of a bit of chubby love. One of the ‘stars’ of the current series of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here contacted a 32HH star of an adult magazine and her boyfriend via a webcam and bombarded them with sordid requests. Father of two Gaffney told the woman to get her boobs out to see if they were “suitable”. The woman said: “He told my boyfriend to kiss me. He then got really pushy and said, ‘Why don’t you have sex? I like to watch.’” Obviously approving of what he saw, the acne-ridden former Eastender turned up on the couple’s doorstep a few days later looking for a bit of action. “He’d say things like: ‘You’d better take part in this - don’t you know who I am,’” she told The Sun.
Obviously feeling empathy for each other’s utter pointlessness, boozy losers Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best have been spotted snogging each other’s faces off in a swanky London nightclub. Lohan had been spending the evening being talked at by self-righteous mockney Damon Albarn when the unapologetically smarmy Best came over and made his move. Clearly bored to death by Albarn’s endless diatribe, Lohan pounced on talent-free socialite, necking vodka with him and eventually taking him back to her hotel room.
Work-shy layabouts got a shock when tuning into daytime TV show This Morning, as they saw a couple of randy old pensioners displaying a number of sexual positions. The old couple were thankfully not naked as they showed fellow oldies the best way to experience that long-forgotten feeling of getting down to business between the sheets, in spite of various physical ailments. Hosts Philip Schofield and Ruth Langsford were both pissing themselves laughing as the ancient couple in pyjamas slowly demonstrated sexual techniques on a bed, while ITV was bombarded with complaints, as viewers reached for the sick-bags.
In the bizarre case of miscasting, swarthy Sicilian hard-man Christopher Walken is set to play confused Brummy metaller Ozzy Osbourne in a new film called The Dirt. The upcoming flick is based on the career of hard-rocking stereotypes Motley Crue, and will also star renowned Hollywood weirdo Val Kilmer While throwing a TV set out of the window and lining up a host of groupies to satisfy his every sordid whim, Motley Crue’s Vince Neil asked ABC News Radio: “How funny is that going to be?” The film is set to be released in 2008.
In what seems to be a recurrent case of déjà vu, pasty-faced urchin Pete Doherty has – surprise, surprise – been arrested for possession of drugs. Police stopped the Babyshambles frontman while he was driving his Jaguar erratically through Bethnal Green, and whacked the cuffs on him after discovering that he was carrying a load of crack cocaine. The troubled bohemian junkie is already due in court later this month on previous drugs charges, and was also recently fined £750 for kicking the microphone out of the hand of Radio 1 reporter Trudi Barber, who he charmingly described as “the harassing scum of the press.”
Fed up with getting non-stop stick for his toilet habits, parking skills and his alleged enjoyment of a puff or two on cigarettes of a herbal nature, George Michael is finally providing himself with some positive press by agreeing to play a special free Christmas concert for NHS nurses. The beardy singer says it is to thank nurses for the way they cared for his late mother before her death. “Almost ten years ago, during the last week of my mother’s life, I told my friends and family that if I ever played my own concerts again, I would make sure to do a free one for NHS nurses,” he told press, while prancing around in a tiny pair of shorts and a Choose Life T-shirt. “The nurses that helped my family at that time were incredible, and I realised just how undervalued these amazing people are.”
In an unresolved competition to see who can be the most painfully righteous band on the planet, U2 and Pearl Jam have appeared onstage together in Melbourne for a Make Charity History concert, which was timed to coincide with the two day G20 summit. Sickening pair Bono and Eddie Vedder dueted on a foul version of the Neil Young track Rockin in the Free World. Both frontmen have been critical of John Howard’s attitude towards the world’s poor.
Big name indie bands are taking a few minutes away from worrying about whether their haircuts are angular enough or whether their skinny jeans need to be tightened further, to record a charity album. The oldest teenagers in the business, Franz Ferdinand and Kaiser Chiefs, have signed up to record tracks for the CD, which will help fund the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Not wishing to miss out on a worthy cause, Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke has also agreed to appear on the compilation album. Other too-cool-for-school bands to feature are The Rapture, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Wolfmother.
Tubby Keane frontman Tom Chaplin has revealed that being on the road is better therapy than hanging around in The Priory, following his drug problems earlier in the year. The 27 year-old crooner spent time in rehab earlier this year, but has said: “Our recent tour has reminded us of why we picked up our instruments and started making music in the first place. After the problems I’ve had this year, I felt the best buzz of my life getting back among the love and boundless enthusiasm of our fans and now we want to take that to another level.” Keane are set to bore the arse off audiences across Britain with a massive arena tour next year.
Still smarting at not winning the award for Best Video at the recent MTV awards, Kanye West has announced that he won’t be putting out any new material for a while yet. Late Registration, West’s last album, was released in 2005, but the sulky rapper says fans shouldn’t expect anything from him for at least another year. In an utterly baffling press statement that had journalists and fans alike reaching for their rap/English dictionaries, he announced: “I’m not dropping till another year at least. Y’all don’t need it right now. There’s only so much room in the CD changer. I’m on Game’s album, I’m on Nas’ album – it’s like Eminem says, ‘mugs be used to it’.”
High-trousered pantomime villain Simon Cowell has revealed that, like many of the people he judges, he can’t sing a note. It seems he turned down a karaoke role on the comedy show Extras - because his voice is so God-awful. Ricky Gervais revealed: “He said it was the one thing he couldn’t do. I wanted him to sing Elton John’s Daniel and he told me ‘I can’t do it darling’.”
Purveyors of overblown rock opera Queen have been announced as having the best selling album of all time in the UK. Their 1981 Greatest Hits album has sold more than 5 million copies, pipping The Beatles Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band into second place. Meanwhile lairy Beatles wannabes Oasis came third with their last semi-decent release, What’s The Story Morning Glory. Proving that there’s no accounting for taste, Jason Donovan even made it in at No 100, beating the likes of Bob Dylan and The Stones.
In spite of being obscenely rich, formerly relevant Welsh rockers Manic Street Preachers are still fighting for the little man, as they have joined an appeal to save the world’s oldest record shop. Spiller’s in Cardiff has been flogging records since 1894, and was the sight where James Dean Bradfield and Nicky Wire used to spend hours loitering outside like Jay and Silent Bob. “Spillers was a lifeline. It gave us out musical education,” Nicky Wire said mournfully.
Proving once and for all that musicians aren’t really in it for the art but for the plaudits, Depeche Mode singer Dave Gahan says that he really gets the hump that his band never win any awards. “I don’t get it. We’re a band that has come out of England, lasted and done well, but no one seems to notice and it does hurt,” the prancing frontman moaned. “It’s a struggle here to get recognition for what we’ve achieved,” he went on, while trying to think of new ways to spend the vast mountains of cash that his unrecognised career has earned him.
Not content with making cash faster than they can count it, Universal Music has decided to sue myspace for copyright infringement. Apparently, the record label is intent on squeezing some serious wonga out of every emo’s favourite website, by suing for unauthorised use of tracks by the likes of U2, 50 Cent, Mariah Carey and The Killers. The final straw for the suits at Universal came when Jay-Z’s comeback album Kingdom Come was leaked via members of the site. Greedily, they want a massive $150,000 for every single unauthorized song and video that appear on the website.
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