Road-crossing pedestrians beware; drivers in a hurry have found an easy way to avoid speed camera fines. Red-faced government officials have announced the news that will fill the hearts of boy racers with glee, that there is a massive flaw in the newly-installed, supposedly high-tech ‘SPECS’ cameras. Sets of the seemingly crap cameras have been installed at 27 sites around the UK at a cost of up to £1.5 million per site, but their shortsighted manufacturers, Speed Check Services, have confirmed that drivers can escape prosecution simply by lane-hopping. The cameras measure a driver’s average speed between two fixed points - which can be many miles apart, so by swerving between lanes every now and again, law-breaking drivers can cheekily avoid having to stump up a sixty quid fine. Police chiefs are begging drivers not to exploit the balls-up by trying to evade the cameras.
Tired of busting kids for getting conkers out of trees and bored of nicking OAP’s for driving at 32mph, idiot coppers in Somerset have arrested a lad on suspicion of robbing his own moped. Pissed off Simon Sharmar, was pulled over for speeding by the fuzz on the way home from college, before being thrown in the nick when the shiny-arse-brigade weren’t happy with “inaccuracies” in his details. “They took my shoe print, fingerprint and put me in jail for three hours,” said Sharmar rubbing the wounds the handcuffs made. “It was strange. It wasn’t very nice.” Admitting they had dropped a bollock, Inspector Nic Crockersaid: “We regret that a young person was in detention for a relatively short period when he had committed no offence.”
Meanwhile, more dunse rozzers in Scotland excelled themselves by leaving a dead body lying in a harbour overnight, because they thought it was a tailor’s dummy. Obviously familiar with seeing tailor’s dummies floating in the water, Fife Constabulary told locals not to be concerned about a body in Inverkeithing Harbour, and that it was a mannequin. The force apologised for the mistake and said it was due to the inexperience of the officers involved.
Demonstrating amazing patience with Sacha Baron Cohen after ripping the piss out of Kazakhstan with his politically incorrect character, Borat, a top official from the country, has invited the Ali-G star to visit. Presumably hoping to teach Cohen a few things about the country and not just kick the shit out of him down a back alley, the invitation comes a fortnight before the release of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. “I’d like to invite Cohen here. He can discover a lot of things,” said deputy foreign minister Rakhat Aliyev, as he twirled his thick moustache. “Women drive cars, wine is made of grapes, and Jews are free to go to synagogues”.
There’ll be no losers in the future as far as genitalia is concerned as according to evolution nerd Dr Oliver Curry, men’s willies are getting bigger and women’s boobs are getting more pert. Dwindling away cash that was obviously too good for cancer research, Dr Curry, spent two months investigating man over the next millennia, but sadly found the future isn’t just full of third legs and gravity defying tits. Apparently a social division, caused from humans being “choosier” about partners, could lead to a social division that would split humans into two sub-species of giants and goblins. The decedents of the upper crust would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent and creative, while an “underclass” will have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, goblin-like creatures or Jade Goody.
Laugh all you want but as far as nymphos back in Blighty are concerned, the Volvo Estate is always the best car for playing a bit of hide the sausage in. Shedding its connotations as the car of choice for incontinent OAPs, a survey of 4,000 people for yesinsure.co.uk actually found it’d seen more action than any other motor. It also found that white van men have been wooing birds with their arse cleavage, with the Mercedes Sprinter Van coming in second, just ahead of hippy favorite, the Vee Dub Camper.
Gagging to bed two birds at once, Richard Green from Cheshire has been granted his wish, if he can get five million hits on his website. His reluctant missus, Katie Greenwood, promised the 30-year-old a threesome, if he can get the magic number on www.pleasemakethiswork.com. Currently on 250,000 hits and rubbing his hands at the prospect of nailing two birds at once, Green said; “A few months ago I asked if she would have a threesome. She said she might be into it but challenged me to make something out of it. - I even have it in writing.” “I’ve agreed to keep my end of the bargain”, said Katie, shuffling nervously in her chair. “But I want to have a little bit of a say in who the girl will be.”
Professional whiner and mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, (right) has won a High Court appeal against a finding that he brought his office into disrepute, after comparing a Jewish journalist to a Nazi camp guard. Only opening his mouth to put his other foot in it, thoughtless Livingstone made the comment to Evening Standard reporter, Oliver Finegold, as he left an event at City Hall in February. “He [Livingstone] should have realised it would not only give great offence to him”, said Justice Collins, playing with his wig. “But was likely to be regarded as an entirely inappropriate observation by Jews in general”, Justice Collins also agreed that while creepy Ken should have apologized, and was “unnecessarily offensive”, he had the right to freedom of speech; “Surprising as it may perhaps appear to some, the right of freedom of speech does extend to abuse”.
The good McCartney name is getting dragged through the dirt after the former Beatle’s estranged wife, Heather Mills, has been telling tales of violence and substance abuse during their marriage. Ageing rocker McCartney insists he will “vigerously” defend his innocence, after Mills filed court papers alleging that the former Beatle had attacked her while she was pregnant, and on another occasion, stabbed her in the arm with a broken wine glass. In an attempt to avoid trial by media and on the advice of his lawyers, Macca is keeping quiet and will respond to the allegations through the current divorce proceedings.
Most British pensioners (right) are looking back in anger, wishing they had got their end away more often when they were younger, according to a poll commissioned by UKTV Gold. Seventy per cent of OAP’s said they’d make more time for getting down and dirty if they had their time again, while those questioned in their twenties proved boring and unexciting, saying they’d rather have financial security. “Who would have thought that pensioners would be so fixated on having missed their opportunity to have more sex, while twenty-somethings are more concerned about property”, said James Newton, of UKTV Gold.
British and American boffins have developed an invisible cloak, (right) like the one worn by geeky do-gooder Harry Potter, which will allow people, planes, tanks and other war paraphernalia to disappear. Sadly the nerds haven’t been working hard enough to make a fat lot invisible from anything other than radar yet, although according to the science swats, in theory the framework is there to do so. Unsurprisingly the gung-ho US military is keen to develop this technology and at least kit their vehicles out in gear that would make them undetectable to enemy radar. “The American military have provided the funds and there has been a lot of interest”, said Prof Sir John Pendry, of the Imperial College, as he sat nervously next to a U.S. soldier. “Although I don’t want to go into too much detail.”
Flesh-hungry police dogs are being muzzled in order to stop injured criminals suing for compensation. Officers in North Wales, who have devised the toothless policy, reckon it provides a safer way to nick offenders, which may soon be adopted by dog squads all across Blighty. In describing the idea, Deputy Chief Constable Clive Wolfendale conjured up the fantastic image of using hounds as missiles. “Instead of biting, the dog is muzzled and launches itself at the midriff of the target,” he vividly described. However, while your average petty thief will be overjoyed, critics are suggesting that making a police dog’s bark worse than its bite is yet another example in a long line of political correctness gone crazy. Retired dog handler John Barrett guffawed: “The public would laugh at you with a muzzled dog, and it could be counterproductive if people think the dog has to be muzzled because it is dangerous.”
In news that will further diminish Tony Blair’s ever-decreasing grin, top military officer General Sir Richard Dannatt has called for British troops to be brought home from Iraq as soon as possible. Rock-hard army bigwig Sir Richard, the holder of a Military Cross, said: “I am a soldier speaking up for the army and saying, ‘Come on, we cannot be here for ever’.” Beleaguered PM Blair, aghast at the fact that people are still bringing up his bungled approach to the war on terror after all this time, responded with the mind-boggling obvious: “It’s tough for British soldiers in Iraq.” No shit Sherlock.
Trouble-making Scousers need to keep an eye on the sky in the future, as Merseyside Police are considering the fantastically ludicrous idea of bringing in spy planes to patrol some of the more unsavoury areas of Liverpool. While more often used by the military in war-torn Baghdad, the planes may be introduced in an attempt to tackle the growth in anti-social behaviour in the City. The plan makes up part of the new Anti-Social Behaviour Task Force, which is a crook-terrifying amalgamation of the police, the fire service and, bizarrely, lawyers. Officers are strangely describing the new scheme as an “Al Capone” approach to yob behaviour - using any lawful means to tackle law-breaking scallies.
Ireland is going sex mad, and infections are spreading like wildfire, according to a new report. Swots have completed a telephone survey of 7,500 18 to 64 year olds, and discovered the frightening statistic that sexually transmitted infections have increased by a groin-itching 243 per cent in recent years. Not only unbothered about getting a dose of the clap, it turns out that horny youths can’t wait to jump into the sack either, Just six per cent of people now think premarital sex is wrong, compared to a whoppingly frustrated 71 per cent back in 1973. However, the research also shows an increased trend among young men who, unable to shift the constant boner in their pants but equally unable to find anyone willing to touch it, are happy to pay for sex. More than 90 per cent of people also believe emergency contraception should be available without prescription.
Technophobes beware; in a bid to stamp out passport bootleggers, Minister for Foreign Affairs Dermot Ahern has launched the E-passport. The snazzy new technology contains an embedded microchip which stores the passport’s information, making it impossible to forge, or so we’re told. People can still use their trusty passport book but their next one will be an E-passport. “Ireland is internationally recognised as having one of the most advanced passport documents in the world,” Ahern smugly pronounced.
Prancing idiot Michael Flatley has married his longtime co-star Niamh O’Brien in a ceremony in County Cork. The chest-bearing boozer, who is the ‘star’ of Lord of the Dance and Riverdance, gushed: “She’s the most beautiful girl in the world, inside and out. She is exactly what I was hoping my wife would be.” At one point during the service, which was attended by 250 invited friends, celebs and hangers-on, the entire congregation rose to their feet and sang a vomit-inducing chorus of “For he’s a jolly good fellow.” Never one to show off, the glorified tap-dancer then treated dinner guests to a gourmet buffet, which included plates of fresh Irish salmon caught from the river that runs through his estate.
Feral kids are rejoicing at the news that the Minister of State at the Department of Health and Children, Brian Lenihan, has announced new legislation increasing the age of criminal responsibility from seven to 12 years. Under the new rules children under the age of 12 cannot be charged with an offence. While keeping one eye on the hubcaps on his car, Lenihan said: “Young children do not have a full understanding of the consequences of criminal actions.” However, kids planning to embark on a career of serious crime need to watch out. An exception is made for ten and 11-year-old scallywags charged with more severe offences.
Former child star Kirsten Dunst has announced that she plans to quit Hollywood so that she can go to art school. Clearly not content with the easy life she already leads, she now wants to spend a few years living off baked beans and happy hours by becoming a university student. Trying on a gown and mortar she said: “Right now I want to go to art school. It’s important to do other things. I’m not the type of actress who likes to do movie after movie after movie. It doesn’t feel like you have much of a life. You’re just taking on a new identity in a way.”
One of the world’s leading theoretical physicists, Jessica Simpson, has revealed how spending time with African children with facial deformities made her realise that her marriage with Nick Lachey was over. I know what you’re thinking - it wasn’t because she realised most of them were better looking than Nick. “I was in hospitals with all these sick kids, and I was looking at the beauty of this whole different world. I just knew I needed to find something more in my life - on my own.” Bold words from the woman who claimed fish and chicken are the same thing. Warning, the following material may be extremely offensive to those who are easily offended by shameless cheese: “I prayed, then looked up at the sky, and I’d never seen this before - it was a double rainbow. It was the most gorgeous thing ever. “From that moment on, I’ve listened to Judy Garland’s somewhere over the rainbow every single day.” Sweet Jesus.
Officialy the world’s biggest fake gangsta, (or wanksta as Fiddy Cent likes to call them) Tim Westwood, has said, “F**k you,” to Simon Cowell. The hard-as-nails, middle aged, son of the former Bishop of Peterborough ranted: “Simon Cowell said some bulls*** about me the other day. It’s definitely a case of f*** you. I don’t have an opinion of him. I think he’s a very rich dude and I respect his money.” Cowell will no doubt be fearing a drive-by.
News that involves a hat-trick of pointless celebrities; former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and his brother Aaron have been fighting over omnipresent, drink-driving waste of space Paris Hilton. Embarrassingly for the siblings, there is no denying the dispute, as the whole thing was captured on US TV show The House of Carters. American viewers, presumably with absolutely nothing better to do, tuned into the latest of an interminable run of series that document the lives of has-been celebrities, to see the Carters rowing when Nick found out the his brother took ‘pop star’ Hilton out on a date shortly after the two had split. Presumably, Aaron Carter would have argued the point that man-fan Hilton would have got round to him eventually anyway.
Sour-faced witch Madonna has returned to Britain empty-handed after her adopted son was banned from leaving Malawi following a passport mix-up. Madge boarded the jet with the adopted Davie before a jobsworth pilot called immigration when he realised the boy did not have the relevant paperwork. The child was then taken away by a carer. Sources said the megalomaniac Queen of Pop threw one of her legendarily tiresome strops, before she and long-suffering hubby Guy Ritchie flew back to London without her latest whim. Madonna’s proposed adoption has been criticised by intellectual heavyweights including pregnant daytime TV dwarf Lowri Turner. In spite of the fact that no-one cares about her opinion, the mum of two bitched: “She was described as so excited. She’s probably not been that thrilled since she chose her last Gucci shoes. Once we stole grown men and women from Africa. Now we take their babies.”
The clock is ticking as Channel Four bosses try to find the new presenter of every college layabout’s favourite show. Yes, Countdown is soon to be presenterless following moustachioed love-machine Des Lynam’s decision to call it a day after just 18 months in the hotseat. Michael Aspel has turned down the opportunity to spend his afternoons with thinking man’s crumpet Carol Vorderman, he has revealed, through fear of having to emulate bumbling lynchpin Richard Whiteley. The host of the dull-as-ditchwater Antiques Roadshow said he didn’t think he was the man for the job. “It was nice to be asked, but the success of the show was Richard Whiteley with his loud ties and bad jokes, and it didn’t need a laid-back presenter like me.” Much to everybody’s horror, Aspel has suggested that the irritating Gyles Brandreth is more suited to the role.
In a declaration that will horrify both Demi Moore and Jennifer Aniston, annoying Hollywood pretty boy Ashton Kutcher is planning to take the former Friends star out on a date. However, Moore’s toy-boy husband is only doing it to win a long-standing bet. The presenter of MTV’s Punk’d shouted: “I was 17 when I bet 1,000 bucks I would someday go on a date with her.” Kushter brashly asked Aniston’s then hubby Brad Pitt if he could take his wife out. Pitt, clearly already having one eye on dirty UN ambassador Angelina Jolie, apparently said: “Go ahead.” Kushter droned on to anyone who would listen: “We had a date set to go to out for pizza and then she didn’t want to go. I was serious and I think she thought I was joking.” Or, maybe she just didn’t fancy spending a dismal evening in Pizza Hut with you, Ashton?
Teenage boys had better stock up on the Kleenex, as lazy Hollywood moron Lindsay Lohan has announced that she and stick-thin posho Keira Knightly will play “women who are sexually attracted to each other” in a new movie about Welsh poet Dylan Thomas. In an interview that will tighten the trousers of young men across the globe, Lohan managed to stay sober for long enough to tell MTV: “Keira is older than me, but she kind of has a mysterious relationship with my lover and there’s somewhat of a lesbian undertone.”
Champion chav Charlotte Church has shocked the world by attending a party and not getting completely smashed, fuelling rumours that she is up the duff with shaven-legged rugby glamour-boy Gavin Henson’s baby. In a change from the normal routine of necking pints of vodka until she falls out of the back of a cab into the throng of hovering paparazzi, Wales’ answer to Shane McGowan recently attended a star-studded schmoozfest at London’s Embassy club and partied until 3.30am without touching a drop of booze. She even toasted scrawny warbler Ashley Simpson’s 22nd birthday with a glass of – shock, horror - water. Noticing something of a swelling in church’s belly region, a gossiping insider said: “Everybody at the party was whispering about it. It just isn’t like Charlotte to party all night without alcohol.”
Having spent months refusing to admit that she was shacked up with height-monster Vince Vaughn, Brad Pitt’s cast-off Jennifer Anistion is now denying that the two have split up. Yankee tabloids have lately been brimming with rumours of whether life was imitating art, following the two splitting in the appropriately-titled flick The Break Up, yet Aniston has told the sickeningly empathetic Oprah Winfrey that they are still together. More interesting than her constantly changing yet terminally boring relationship status, is the fact that she has quashed rumours of a boob job, and simply says that when she puts on weight, it goes straight to her chest.
Having spent last year telling children in Britain that they are eating their lardy arses into an early grave, pseudo-geezer Jamie Oliver is now trying to change the diets of kids in Australia. However, amongst his constant pontifications, which have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he is frantically trying to promote his new TV show and restaurant, the painfully chirpy chef has let it slip that he loves nothing more than shoving a takeaway kebab down his ever-open gob. For the brief nanosecond that he wasn’t promoting Sainsbury’s, he took the time out to give his local meat haunt a plug. “When I am slightly drunk, there’s a little place called Kebab King on the New Kings Road. They do a wicked chicken shawerma kebab, heavy on the chilli sauce.”
Despite being fed up of a constant diet of two-minute noodles, travellers returning to England would be well advised to avoid legendary swearer Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant. The eatery belonging to the foul-mouthed purveyor of many a hilarious tantrum has been reported to be one of the most expensive dinner venues in the world. Noshing alone, enjoying a solitary alcoholic bevvy and leaving the snooty waiter a tip will set you back a wallet-busting £108. But Ramsey’s Chelsea joint seems as cheap as Macca’s compared with Aragawa in Tokyo, the priciest restaurant in the world, where you’ll cough up 200 quid for a meal.
In between whining about wise men with semis by the sea, wet lettuce, James Blunt has been busted for slagging it up in Ibiza, behind his missus’ back. The shit’s well and truly hit the fan for the posh prat, and according to the party-pooping Mail on Sunday, his hot Czech model has wasted no time in giving him the flick. “Rumours got back to Petra that James had been partying with loads of gorgeous girls in Ibiza over the summer”, said the fun hating Mail. “They had a huge row during London Fashion Week last month and now it is all over”. This isn’t the first time mummy’s boy Blunt has played away from home, although his latest infidelity with a string of fitties, including Aussie TV presenter Tania Zaetta, is probably one of his better efforts.
Despite attacks from critics for not looking the part as 007, knicker-wetter Daniel Craig, has been hailed as the best Bond ever by the new film’s producers. In a blatant attempt to get Craig in the sack, put more arses on cinema seats and conveniently forget Sean Connery ever existed, Barbara Broccoli, daughter of legendary Bond producer Cubby Broccoli, says the 38-year-old will set the new 007 benchmark. “He’s the best Bond ever. He’ll be the British actor to define a generation”, said Broccoli rolling her eyes and groaning. “He is incredibly sexy, very charismatic and he has enormous screen presence”. Bond fans will be able to judge Craig’s performance for themselves, when Casino Royale hits the big screen on November 17.
Preston from The Ordinary Boys has got numerous reasons to be pissed off. Not only does the wannabe mod have to live with the notion that he is more famous for having sat on his arse in a house for a few weeks than for his music, but he also has to accept the fact that he is less famous than his talentless, airhead wife. And now, he has been struck down by African flu. The gratingly chirpy front-man got hitched to braindead Big Brother contestant Chantelle in August, and the z-listers jetted off to Marrakech where he picked up the virus. Baffled quacks have ordered more tests.
In between ripping off punters at his swanky restaurant and swearing at wannabe chefs, Gordon Ramsey has bruised his balls during a bull fight in Spain. In what is about as cool as getting a hernia during a gym warm-up, Ramsey, who was no doubt reeling off four letter words like they were going out of fashion, fell over and twatted his family jewels on a rock, while running away from a bull. “As the bull was charging towards me, I fell over”, said Ramsey as he threw a cheese grater at his kitchen hand. “I’m black and blue”.
What will surely stir one of the biggest cauldron’s of sheeeiiiite in rock n’ roll history, is the news that a secret track by sexually confused Robbie Williams, slagging off Liam Gallagher, has finally surfaced. In Give Pies A Chance – a play on John Lennon’s famous peace lyrics – not so skinny Robbie, sings a list of witty and original insults slating the Oasis front man, calling him “inbred” and labelling the Manc brothers “monkey boys with monotone eyebrows.” Clearly bored of pondering over his sexuality and wishing it was still the 90’s, Robbie recorded the track with song writing partner Guy Chambers in 2000, when they were working on Sing When You’re Winning. However, Robbie came over all wimpy when he realised it would rustle some Mancunian feathers, and until now the song never made it out the recording studio.
Having run out of excuses for not getting the lay in four months, lard arse Jack Osborne is now blaming his irritating sister Kelly, for scaring potential shags away. Overlooking the fact that he’s three years overdue renewing his gym membership and has all the personality of a verruca, Jack is still adamant it’s all his sister’s fault. “Kelly is a drama queen”, said Jack as he slyly hid a copy of Playboy behind his back. “I’ll be sitting there with a girl and she’ll come up and go, ‘You’re ugly! F**k off.’ I’m just like, ‘Thank you very much.’ Whatever, though. She’s probably right.”
In the latest frantic bid to appear remotely interesting, sleep-inducing pop urchins Keane are launching a war against bootleggers. They will be selling CDs of their gigs just ten minutes after they come off stage, in an attempt to prevent illegal live bootlegs showing up on ebay. The CDs will be flogged to fans leaving the venue by their record label. A spokeswoman for the offensively dull band said: “The CDs will be recorded, mixed and mastered in real time, backstage after the gigs, and then pressed and sold to fans in the lobby as they leave.” Rumours that the extra cash these CDs will raise will go towards funding chubby front-man Tom Chaplin’s drink and drug problem are unsubstantiated.
Skinny gobshite Johnny Borrell was a big winner at the Vodafone Live Music Awards, as his Dadrocking band Razorlight won the Live Impact Award and Best Live Music DVD. On a night hosted by the equally egotistical Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles, other winners included portly quartet Take That, who took home the prize for Best Live Return after their triumphant comeback/cash-in tour. Old-timers The Who were presented with the Freddie Mercury Lifetime Achievement in Live Music Award, which was presented by extravagantly-haired master of fret-wankery Brian May. Other winners at the frighteningly self-congratulatory event included political bores U2, Muse, Gorillaz and The Automatic.
Fearing that a week might go by without their oh-so-controversial opinions making the news, gobby Oasis worshippers Kasabian have launched a stinging attack on US rockers My Chemical Romance. In spite of the fact that having a bash at an Emo band is tantamount to kicking a wheezy boy when he’s down, the Leicester based quintet said: “They don’t have anything positive to say. The only good news is that it won’t last,” front-man Tom Meighan slurred. “These clowns won’t be around for much longer. Their make-up will flake off and the scene will die out. And it can’t happen soon enough.” The pasty Americans have had the last laugh though, as their single, the suitably gloomy Welcome to the Black Parade went straight into the UK singles chart at number one.
Having breathed a sigh of relief that Justin Hawkins has quit The Darkness, music lovers are in mourning at the news that his departure has not only failed to signal the end for the once moderately amusing rock band, but that he may embark on a solo career. Remaining members of one-trick-ponies The Darkness will continue with their terminally pointless careers, with bassist Richie Edwards deputising on vocals, although thankfully there are no plans to release a third album, following the dismal sales of their latest effort. The powder-hoovering Hawkins meanwhile is the latest self-pitying celebrity to have booked himself into The Priory, where he is currently undergoing drug rehabilitation.
Frustrated at how he is now no longer the most famous person even within his own family, former ceiling-dancer Lionel Ritchie has whored himself out to lowest-common-denominator ‘entertainment’ show X Factor. In an embarrassing bid to reestablish himself in the consciousness of the British public, rubber-faced Ritchie was guest of honour on last week’s live show, and in an act of shallow controversy, he told perennial dullard Louis Walsh that he was going to “wrestle to the floor” the walking trouser, Simon Cowell. Disappointingly, the threat was an empty one. At least if he’d gone through with it, it would’ve made the tragically cringeworthy show half-watchable.
Aurally-challenged music enthusiasts eager to purchase the new All Saints single will be overjoyed to learn that the exasperatingly dull four-piece have brought forward the release of their comeback single. Unsurprisingly, this is not due to public demand, but in order to avoid a chart thrashing by monobrowed Oasis. Nicole Appleton was apparently shitting herself at the prospect of going head to head with her pet monkey Liam Gallagher. A source said: “Making a comeback is hard enough, but to be out on the same day as one of the biggest acts around, and be related to them as well, just adds to the pressure. If they had lost, Liam would have ribbed Nic something wicked.” Fearing a flop, the gutless quartet then also decided to avoid releasing the single the following week, as that is when chubby has-beens Take That launch their new effort.
A film following the story of long haired punksters The Ramones is in the pipeline. Producer Rory Rosegarten has bought the film rights to the planned book, I Slept With Joey Ramone. The book is an authorised biography written by Joey Ramone’s brother Mickey Leigh and music journalist Legs McNeil. Rosegarten has also negotiated a deal which allows him to use the group’s music in the film, reports Variety.
Walking car crash Whitney Houston has laughably suggested that she is to make a comeback into pop music. Despite her well documented and morbidly fascinating fall from grace, the ageing Class A fan is keen to rebuild a career that took a nosedive once she hooked up with ridiculously-haired mental-case Bobby Brown. Music producer Premier, who recently worked on fellow vocal gymnast Christina Aguilera’s Back to Basics LP, says he is close to agreeing a deal to create Houston’s first new material in four years. “She deserves another chance,” he nervously stated, while ensuring that all pharmaceuticals were out of harm’s reach. “I won’t misguide her career and give her some bullshit track.” It’s perhaps a little too late to worry about misguiding her career, she seemed to do a pretty good job of that herself.
Not content with just keeping Her Majesty’s constabulary nicely busy, loveable crackhead Pete Doherty has surprised everyone by announcing that he is actually making some music. His band of fellow junkies, Babyshambles, will release a new EP in November. Incredibly, the dirty-fingernailed one has managed to punctuate jail-spells with enough studio time to have recorded 11 songs, a handful of which will make it onto the EP. Doherty is also designing the artwork for the release. Meanwhile, in news that will have Libertines fans wetting themselves with excitement, Kate Moss’s marginally less skinny other-half has teamed up with former band-mate Carl Barat for a charity single for The Joe Strummer Foundation for New Music, although there are no plans for any new Libertines material, which, having heard the last Babyshambles album, is a crying shame.
Floppy-fringed indie kids are in mourning as legendary New York rock venue CBGB has closed its doors for the last time. Stars like gyrating nutcase Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers and the formerly attractive Deborah Harry showed up to say a tearful farewell, while crusty rock grandma Patti Smith played the club’s final set: “We can have CBGB in our hearts, but the new generation is going to have their own places to play. They’re going to find some shithole and play in it like we did.” The club is closing as the previous lease expired and the new rent was too costly.
Stone faced cow Sarah Harding from seminal music outfit Girls Aloud has bagged herself a bit-part role in a new British film. The Guchi-clad singer will play a character called Emma in new movie Runners With Cars, (sure to be a classic) but is denying terrifying rumours that the band will split up because of it. Harding has been toying with the idea of acting for some time, but insists that she can take film work without neglecting her ever-so-demanding duties for Girls Aloud. The four slaaaags release their greatest hits collection, The Sound Of Girls Aloud on October 30.
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