.: Cath’s Blog:.

Prince Philip had to come off the bench to officially open Arsenal’s new ground last week after the Queen was ruled out with a bad back. The monarch had been due to meet girly hatch back car loving striker Thierry Henry and Camembert munching manager Arsene Wenger at the Emirates Stadium ceremony, but had to pull out because of a strained muscle. Doctors have told the 80-year-old ruler, who has just returned from a trip to the Baltics, to stop working so damn hard. However, the Duke of Edinburgh stepped into the breach and did the hand-shaking honours at the north London ground. A Buckingham Palace spokeswoman said: “Her Majesty the Queen has reluctantly agreed to cancel a visit to Arsenal football stadium today due to a strained muscle in her back. “Doctors advised Her Majesty to reduce her workload today and will review her progress on a daily basis.”

In a bid to squeeze the last ounce of humor out of the workplace, docs and nurses in Lancaster Hospitals could be banned from wearing novelty socks, if the bores at East Lancaster NHS Trust get their way. Under the proposed ban, which spoilsports at the trust say is part of a new uniform policy, tight clothes, unusual hairstyles and excessive tattoos would also have to go. “Many of our staff work with very sick or dying patients and the policy is intended to make sure that our staff present a professional image at all times”, said director of clinical care and mammoth killjoy Lynn Wissett.

A BBC radio presenter is in hot water for calling beleaguered PM Tony Blair a “tosser” live on air. Radio Five Live’s Jane Garvey, who is married to stocky Brummy pundit Adrian Chiles, read the word as part of a text message from a listener shortly before 7pm. Showing a true punk rock attitude, the presenter read out the abusive text message in full, causing her goody-goody co-host Peter Allen to give her what for. “It’s hardly late enough to use words like that,” he grumbled.

Keen to make Chief Wigum look like Sherlock Holmes, the fuzz back in Blighty have dropped another bollock, by suggesting jewellers in Cheshire put tape measures on their door frames so they can tell how tall robbers are as they flee their shops. Obviously getting extremely aggravated with all the responsibility and effort that comes with police work, Cheshire’s sorry excuse for Bobbies gave this ludicrous advice to shop keepers after a spate of armed robberies. “It’s a bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted”, said Clive Elliott, from the Victims of Crime Trust, as he watched his Victims of Crime list grow. “What we need, and what is far more important, is more rigorous deterrents.”

Schoolkids are getting up to a lot more than just snogging behind the bike sheds, according to a new report. Apparently, the dirty little monkeys are having unprotected sex, giving England the dubious honour of having highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe. Also, levels of genital Chlamydia and herpes have gone through the roof for teenagers. The news has prompted the Institute for Public Policy Research to suggest that children as young as ten should be given sex education, and that condoms should be readily available in schools and sports centres around the country, in the hope that, if kids are intent on shagging like rabbits, at least they won’t be spawning any similarly braindead offspring in the process.

Dirty docs and nurses who fail to wash their hands, cause as much damage as pissed up drivers, according to a top NHS adviser. Recent research suggests that one in five clinical staff can’t be arsed to wash their hands, despite evidence that it reduces infections in our hospitals. “Given the existence of MRSA, not having clean wards and not washing your hands is the clinical equivalent of drink driving. It maims and kills”, said Sir John Oldham, Head of Impovement Foundation, as he addressed a hall full of scabby docs at the International Society for Quality in Healthcare conference.

In the least surprising news of the week, genius hospital bosses have made the shocking announcement that puffing on cigarettes, as well as being expensive, smelly, and making your fingers go yellow, is also bad for your health. Sick of the fact that smokers need more time to recover from surgery, some hospitals are demanding that patients kick the habit before they are allowed non-urgent procedures. This is the latest bid to halt the rapid haemorrhaging of money within the NHS, as medical chiefs say smokers are at an increased risk of complications, leading to more pricey hospital stays.

No doubt in a bid to stop our troops from falling asleep during the war in Iraq and to get them out the quagmire quicker, the UK military has tested a controversial drug which can keep people awake for days. The Modafinil pills, also known as “zombies”, are normally used to treat the rare sleeping disorder narcolepsy, which sees sufferers fall asleep at random times in random places. “It doesn’t mean they are being used”, said Drug boffin Anna Casey, as she climbed up the walls. “We are keeping an open mind.”

There’s been a bit of shirt-lifting going on around Whitehall, as Tory MP Greg Barker, a close ally of David Cameron, has ditched his wife of 14 years for a roll in the hay with another bloke. It was revealed last week that Barker, considered to be one of the Conservatives’ rising stars and crucial to the party’s General Election chances, got involved with an interior designer that he’d hired to revamp his pad. “This will be a major setback to Cameron and the party”, said a homophobic Tory source shaking his head. “These revelations are bound to cause a lot of embarrassment to Greg and a lot of pain to his wife.”

Research has revealed the blindingly obvious, that adults in Britain are petrified of the growing underclass of pikey teenage yobs. About 1.7 million grown-ups feel so intimidated by hoodied gangs that they don’t go out after dark, while 1.5 million have considered moving house to get away from troublesome scallies. The poll also reveals that Brits are wimps compared to their European counterparts. Only a third of British people would intervene if they saw a bunch of 14-year-olds vandalising a bus shelter, through fear of getting a good kicking themselves. But 65 per cent of Germans, and half of Spaniards and Italians would go over and give the troublemakers a clip round the ear. “Adults tend to turn a blind eye or cross to the other side of the road rather than intervene in the disciplining of another person’s child,” said director of the research Nick Pearce, while cowering behind his sofa.

Transport police are hunting for a phantom shitter, who has been leaving a skid-mark of destruction on trains across the country, causing tens of thousands of pounds-worth of damage. The defecating weirdo strikes by smearing his own crap inside the carriages. Baffled coppers can find no pattern in his behaviour, but say the man has left a smelly gift on at least 30 trains since August, mainly in the south-east. As if anyone needed telling, Detective Constable Donna Fox held her nose and advised: “If anyone sees this man travelling on the railway network, they should not approach him, but call the police or alert train staff immediately.”

In what is no doubt the biggest waste of anyone’s time since Keane started stockpiling condoms, a party pooping university vice-chancellor has written personal letters to clubs and bars near the campus, asking landlords not to offer students cut-price drinks. Trying to take the only fun out of student life, Reading University’s Professor Tony Downes, said that the university hoped it would cut anti-social behaviour and stop his students turning up to his boring lectures with a hangover. In his letter, which is no doubt lining the bins of all drinking establishments in the area, the nerdy professor said; “I hope you will give this important matter consideration when considering licensing hours, pricing and serving regulations.”

Irish youngsters heading for the bright lights of London should beware, not only will they have to put up with the grating chirpiness of a multitude of Cocknies, but they also face the prospect of ending up having to sleep on the city’s filthy streets. Hundreds of teenagers are heading to London every month with no job lined up, and end up living rough, which, inevitably, leads some people into crime as a way of making money. Chairperson of the British-Irish Inter-Parliamentary Body, Doctor Mary Tilki, warned that young Irish people with their hearts set on moving to England and London in particular should get some decent advice before packing their worldly goods and setting off. “Many people come to the services of our affiliates with no where to live and with just a few pounds in their pockets or none at all,” she said grimly.

A bungling criminal has been sent down for two and a half years following a calamitous attempt at armed robbery. 59 year-old William McCoy was shitfaced on a cocktail of drink and drugs when he tried to rob a small Belfast city centre newsagents. He staggered in brandishing a knife, but the quick-thinking owner of the store managed to get out of the shop and lock the hapless law-breaker inside before phoning the police, who reprimanded him despite his efforts to break his way out of the shop using, of all things, a saucepan. Lawyers said that he was so hammered that he had “no recollection of the events.”

The Irish government is being encouraged to drag itself into the 21st Century with regard to its attitude on same sex relationships. An opinion poll has shown increasing support for the Irish Republic to change its laws. Of those polled for a survey conducted for the Sunday Tribune, 64 per cent were in favour of same-sex couples being granted the same rights enjoyed by married couples. Andrew Long of the Gay and Lesbian Equality Network is well-chuffed the latest findings. ”We believe civil marriage is the best route because it’s equality and I think that’s the way we should go,” he said. This public support has lead to the British embassy in Dublin hosting civil partnership ceremonies for gay couples, because same-sex unions are not legal in Ireland, and the embassy is legally regarded as British territory.

Following a number of recent accidents, speeding loons are going to be forced to put on the breaks by the Minister for Transport, Martin Cullen. Speaking on RTÉ Radio, Mr. Cullen has said that the driving licensing system needs a good overhaul, which would particularly target careless kids who think they are playing Grand Theft Auto. A graduated licensing system that is ‘very restrictive’ when it came to drivers getting their first licence, is being considered.

Delusional pensioner Harrison Ford has reacted with incredulous anger to suggestions that he is clearly way too old to play heroic archaeologist Indiana Jones in a further instalment of the movie series. Obviously attempting to rediscover his long-forgotten youth, the 64-year-old told reporters of his plans to team up with director Steven Spielberg to make a fourth movie, insisting that he was still fit enough to perform the role of action hero. “We need to move on for artistic reasons and obvious physical reasons, (but) I feel fit to continue and bring the same physical action,” said an unconvincing Ford, before he jumped on his skateboard and went down the park to drink cider and happy-slap his mates. Meanwhile, in futile attempt to mask his age, the reborn teenager is trying to persuade the even more ancient Sean Connery to once again play his father in the flick.

Joining in with the latest Hollywood craze of utterly irrational prejudice, vacant actor Ben Affleck has made fun of people who suffer from cerebral palsy. In a video that has been doing the rounds online, the alleged actor appears to have had a few too many, as he sleazes around his female interviewer, sitting her on his lap while he slurs random nonsense at her. After asking her whether she has a boyfriend, he then tells her she should conduct the interview topless, before groping her one of her boobs and nuzzling her neck and cleavage. Having displayed a dismal lack of prowess with the opposite sex that would embarrass a spotty schoolboy, there was more to come from the frighteningly-dim Affleck. Obviously feeling that he had not done enough to upstage Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic diatribe, the hammered has-been then wheeled out an impression of a person with cerebral palsy.

Pea-brained sicko Madonna has plunged the ridiculous saga of her adoption of baby David into yet more controversy by lavishing the toddler with a multitude of obscenely expensive gifts. The 13-month-old has been treated to a kiddie-sized electric BMW, a £5,000 rocking horse and a wardrobe full of designer clothes. Pissed off villagers in the child’s former home have said that kind of cash could have helped to safeguard the entire settlement from the famines that have hit Malawi so hard over the last few years. It would have paid for 10,000 chickens and 500 goats.

With a guestlist that read like a who’s who of chavs, Liberty X divvy Michelle Heaton has tied the knot with fellow nobody Andy Scott-Lee, in a ceremony which saw balloon-chested airhead Jordan acting as bridesmaid. While the happy couple blubbed during the ceremony, their tears were nothing compared to those of their guests at the reception, as Girls Aloud trollop Sarah Harding treated diners to a heartbreakingly bad version of Mustang Sally. Just when guests thought things couldn’t get any worse, she handed the mic over to the groom’s sister, former Steps muppet Lisa Scott-Lee, prompting many guests to try to drown themselves in their soup. One guest noted: “It was like a second-rate X Factor.”

Fed up with being known as nothing more then the lazy, talentless husband of washed-up trailer trash mum Britney Spears, Kevin Federline is has decided that he is actually a world class actor. Obviously inspired by his wife’s illustrious movie career, the always-vested Federline will make his big screen debut in Caught On Tape, which claims to be fusion of Shakespeare and rap. The film, which is expected to have film critics gleefully sharpening their knives, is written and directed by the unpleasantly monikered Sticky Fingaz, who insists that people will be surprised by Federline’s thespian skills. “He’s really cool, he’s dope.” Even though he was trying to big up his movie, Sticky still couldn’t resist having a dig at Spears’ dim-witted hubby. “The paparazzi almost ran me off the road trying to take pictures of Kev. I’m like, ‘dude, hey, I’m the talent, he’s just married to somebody.’”

Warbling dwarf Christina Aguilera has been described as too fat. Weirdly, the criticism came from no-one other than Aguilera herself. In a recent interview, she told Cosmopolitan magazine that she can no longer fit into those ridiculous leather chaps. “I love the fact that I did that and did it when I was young and able to wear them. I don’t know if I could put those suckers on now.”

Narcissistic narcotic loving nutter Naomi Campbell is being questioned over her third assault accusation this year and her ninth in the last eight years. Naomi now has a previous list longer than her supermodel legs. Naomi allegedly viciously scratched her drugs counselor - perhaps she didn’t provide her with gear on demand. The woman making the charges was photographed with bloody scratches covering her head and body leaving a central London police station. Let’s see if Naomi’s expensive lawyers can beat this rap, how hilarious it would be to see the PMT princess Naomi throwing tantrums about the standard of the facilities in Holloway womens’ prison. No manicures or pedicures in C wing. The only room service she will be getting is of the unwanted kind - from the hordes of over-friendly, unshaven, lusty lesbians. Naomi’s spokesman said: “We believe there has been a misunderstanding. Once police have investigated we are sure this will be resolved satisfactorily.” Translation: we will pay the woman off and this won’t go to court.

P Diddy has tried the classic ruse of the jilted lover - claiming that Jennifer Lopez only dumped him because he couldn’t commit to her. Naomi Campbell, also an ex-lover of Diddy’s, claims that he was less than ample in the appendage department, perhaps Jenny from the block has no time for a small cock. Diddy, however, claims that he was always in love with his ex, Kim. So in love, in fact, that he was photographed cavorting in public with Lopez at every available opportunity. Looking sheepish after being caught stuffing a sock down his pants, Diddy bullshitted his little heart out: “She was: ‘Ah, you’re playing yourself. You’re running around with your little Puerto Rican girlfriend. You’ll be back.’ And she was right. Jennifer and me, we’re so alike. Kim and I are opposite. But I couldn’t commit to Jennifer the way she wanted me to.”

Horny nymphomaniac Sandra Bullock is obviously getting the ride of her life at the moment, announcing to crowds at the Hollywood Film Festival that her husband ravaged her senseless the night before. And stroking his ego even more, the Crash actress, said that she owes her career success to lucky hubby, Jesse Jame’s love gun. “You inspire me with the good loving you give me every day”, said Bullock as she ran off the stage to straddle hubby. “And especially last night! Really… you have no idea.”

Pointless celebrity Nicole Richie has turned on the water works at a party, after coming face to face with her ex-boyfriend and his new bit of skirt. The whining simpleton only broke up with Brody Jenner a few weeks ago, but already he’s knocking-off The Hills star Lauren ‘LC’ Conrad, which is angering and upsetting the silly tart. Presuming that someone gave a shit, a source said; “Nic is furious. She said; ‘LC just keeps saying hi to me over and over again. I can’t stand it! It’s like she’s rubbing it in my face! Just leave me alone!’.”

It’s been a turbulent couple of weeks for blasphemous big head Gordon Ramsey. Not only is he nursing bruised balls, after falling on a rock at the running of the bulls in Spain last week, but now he’s taking heat from Brat Pitt and George Clooney after their romantic dinner at his restaurant was disturbed by a fire. “They got upset because my chef set the kitchen on fire”, said Ramsey as he gave the culprit the hiding of his life with a rolling pin. “His port wine reduction caught alight. We had to evacuate the place and they were not happy.”

In an act that perfectly dissects defiance and dimwittedness, actor Wesley Snipes, who was thought to be in hiding after a warrant was issued for his arrest in the US, has brazenly turned up in Namibia to film a Western horror movie. Obviously not fussed about the possibility of spending up to 16 years in prison for tax fraud, the Blade star is filming Gallowwalker in the southern African state. The movie’s producer, Joanne Reay, brushed off the fact that the star is wanted on eight counts of tax fraud, worth a massive eight million quid. “It is not affecting us,” she bragged. “It will not disrupt the production of the film.” Despite the tax man being well and truly on his case, the actor has been living a life of luxury while on location, splashing out about £14,000 renting two sea-view mansions.

Former socialite Amanda de Cadenet has given birth to twins. The It Girl, who once presented Channel Four’s brilliantly awful ‘yoof’ show The Word, popped out a boy and a girl in an LA hospital. De Cadenet, who nowadays is only newsworthy for being married to The Strokes guitarist Nick Valensi, failed to engage her massive brain for long enough to come up with two names. A friend told reporters: “The girl’s going to be called Ella but they haven’t chosen a name for the boy yet.”

Harry Potter is going to get his wand out. In a bid to shake off his innocent schoolboy image, Daniel Radcliffe, who plays the unfathomably popular wizard, plans to appear naked on stage in London-based production Equus. The filthy-rich 17-year-old said: “Part of me wants to shake up people’s perception of me, just shove me in a blender,” he told US magazine Newsweek, before confirming that he didn’t actually want to be shoved in a blender. Radcliffe has also stated that he is very wary of schoolgirl groupies, who just want to date him so they can brag to their mates that they had a piece of the Potter. “It’s always a worry, but I’ve got pretty good instincts for people. Normally, the people who are not genuine are the ones who say: ‘You know I’m not just being your friend because you’re Harry Potter, right?’”

Seemingly unaware that they are the only things that made her famous, human caricature Jordan is having her breast implants removed. Having gone from a modest size A to a ridiculously inflated size G, the awesomely talented singer/model/author plans to have reductive surgery so she can have another baby, and breast-feed more easily. The monosyllabic glamour girl told the Daily Mirror: “I hate them. Get them out of me. Yuk. Men may think they’re great but they’re not pert and it’s a turn off.”

Daniel Craig is having a bit of a hard time of it. Not only is he getting stick from saddo James Bond obsessives who insist that he is not right for the role, even though the bloody film hasn’t been released yet, but now he has discovered that he wasn’t actually the man that director Martin Campbell wanted to play 007. It turns out that smiley Scotsman Ewan McGregor was the guy originally intended to pull on the tuxedo and battle bad-asses armed with a plethora of gadgets and quips. According to Campbell, McGregor turned down the roll because he didn’t want to be typecast. Therefore, in a move that hardly offered Craig a massive vote of confidence, he was given the role even though Campbell wasn’t “totally convinced” he would be able to match previous Bonds.

Jennifer Anniston has taken a quick break from playing herself in formulaic, prosaic rom coms aimed predominantly at white, middle class hedge fund managers, in order to tread the boards on Broadway. The ditsy cow took part in New York’s sixth annual 24-hour plays on stage and was joined by some other prestigious actors including, none other than squaking has been Rosie Perez. The event was in aid of Working Playground, which promotes the arts and culture in schools. The 10 minute-long plays are scripted and staged in just 24 hours with the cast only rehearsing their roles during that time.The plays were a sell-out with tickets costing from £53 to £106.

Not content with forcing Blur, Gorillaz and his own ludicrously earnest solo work on the world, self-righteous mockney Damon Albarn has now formed a new band. The as yet unnamed group played a debut performance to bemused onlookers at The Pig’s Nose, a tiny village pub in Devon last week. The band includes former Clash bassist Paul Simonon and Verve dropout Simon Tong. In a bid to raise the band of indie Grandads’ street cred, renowned mixer Dangermouse has been brought in to produce the not-very-supergroup’s album, entitled The Good, The Bad and The Queen. The ever-pompous Albarn smugly pronounced: “You know that everyone (in the band) has played in front of 100,000 people, so they’re not there to prove anything.”

Hip hop fans bored to death of monotone rapper 50 cent telling everyone just how street he is are delighted to discover that he might just have been telling a few porky-pies about his history. Chaz Williams, a former manager of Fiddy, claims the rags to riches dullard tried to suppress a magazine article about him because it would show he had embellished his supposedly violent upbringing. “I am one of the individuals that really knows the truth about him,” boasted Williams.

Despite being barely out of nappies, sulky northerners Arctic Monkeys have decided to take time off from counting their vast mountains of cash for long enough to write an autobiography. In what will presumably be a fairly short story, the too-cool-for-school band will tell all about their rapid rise to the top. They were apparently even more pissed off than normal when they discovered that an unofficial biography hit the shops earlier this year, and so, in a nicely cynical marketing ploy, a book penned by the Monkeys will be hurried into stores in time for the Christmas rush. A source told UK tabloids: “They didn’t even know the guy who wrote it and were annoyed he was cashing in on their story.” The book is expected to finally reveal the reason that bassist Andy Nicholson was unceremoniously booted out of the group.

The walking ego Johnny Borrell has saddened music lovers everywhere by denying that Razorlight are on the verge of a breaking up. Surprisingly for a man who has never once been known to stop talking in his entire life, it is claimed that he is giving blissfully lucky drummer Andy Burrows the silent treatment, fuelling rumours of an imminent split. Borrell sang solo at a recent performance in Fulham, but when asked if the band were splitting he barked: “That’s rubbish.”

As well as been offensively bad, chubby depressive Robbie Williams’ single Rudebox has caused upset to disabled people, who have accused him of “rank disabilism.” In a line that will be deleted from the radio edit, the ‘hilarious’ solo artist sings “dance like you just won at the Special Olympics.” Anne Pridmore, chairwoman of the British Council of Disabled People fumed: “I am a big Robbie Williams fan and I went to see him recently but I will not be buying this album.”

Modest Harry Potter look-alike Graham Coxon has pronounced himself as being better than Blur in a recent interview with the South Wales Echo. The guitarist - who quit the band in 2002 – has spoken about how he constantly compares his own work to that of his former buddies, brashly announcing: “I think a lot of my songs are better.” However, the former booze-guzzler did admit that his skills as an on-stage performer leave a lot to be desired. “I’m not a great front-man,” he moaned. “When I see proper front-men I realise how crap I am at it.”

In a bid to keep people interested enough in the band to purchase the upcoming ‘best of’ compilation, Lego-haired grump Noel Gallagher has been shouting his mouth off again, although the targets for his increasingly tiresome verbal attacks are becoming more and more bizarre. His latest moan is not with any of his contemporaries in the British music industry, but with the Australian national football team. Despite their good performance in the World Cup, the old man of Britpop recently suggested that Australians should stick to sports they are good at. Always the eloquent ambassador for England, Gallagher told Australians: “Football is the game of the intelligentsia and you are shit at it. You will never win anything so give it up.” More pointless controversy is expected from the once-relevant Mancunians in the build up to the release of Stop The Clocks, a collection of their favourite tracks, in November.

Having flogged their debut album to death, chipper popsters Kaiser Chiefs have finally finished recording 22 tracks for their next offering. Bored of squeezing every last breath of life out of hit singles I Predict a Riot and Every Day I Love You Less and Less, the older-than-they-would-have-you-believe northerners plan to whittle the new recordings down to a more easily digestible album of 14 tracks, in time to release them early next year.

Scrotum-skinned scarecrow Rod Stewart has told Blender Magazine that he would consider reuniting his legendary band The Faces for a one-off gig. Previously, the aging lothario had not wanted to be a part of any reunion following the death of guitarist Ronnie Lane, but has recently had a change of heart. “I would reform them for the right reasons, maybe a big one-off charity event,” he nobly suggested, before pointing out: “We haven’t got enough material. We only used to play live for 45 minutes; people want two hours now.” In a painfully contrived piece of name-dropping, he went on to add: “Bono keeps telling me that I’ve got to start writing songs again. I haven’t written for a long time, but I’ve started picking up the old acoustic guitar again.”

Not content with being linked with every female acting role going, rumours are flying around that permanently-pouting actress Scarlett Johansson is to embark on a singing career. However, always wishing to appear quirky, Johansson will not be heading down the usual route of performing paper-thin pop songs, but will instead sing an album of downbeat cover versions from the back catalogue of gravel-voiced American troubadour Tom Waits. The album is expected to be released at the end of the year.

Obviously feeling that she is far too cool for her own good, Gwen Stefani has decided to lower her credibility by collaborating with offensively bland choirboys Keane on her new album. The former No Doubt singer has penned a track with the help of keyboardist Tim Rice-Oxley on her new album The Sweet Escape. Clearly unable to come up with any decent tunes by herself, stick-thin Stefani has also teamed up with many other artists, including serial collaborator Pharrell Williams and No Doubt bassist Tony Kanal. Wisely though, she has left the song recorded with one-woman-soap-opera Courtney Love off the forthcoming release.

Degenerate smackhead Pete Doherty has continued to ensure he remains in pole position for winning the crown of cocksmoker of the decade by beating the shit out of an Italian paparazzi photographer. The scuffle reportedly took place after Babyshambles’ gig at the Piper Club in Rome last week. Doherty was left covered in claret after writhing around on the floor like a seething twelve year old with the pasta munching snapper. According to a British Newspaper the deadbeat singer jumped the photographer and punched him several times in the face before the two were pulled apart. One witness said Doherty was dripping with blood (although whether this is from the syringes or the punches is unclear) and that the band members used metal ashtrays to assist them in the scrap. No coppers made it to the scene but the photographer had to go to hospital.

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Check out Jesse and Michael dancing!

Make your own video on www.dancesisterdance.com

Today the Leisure & Recreation Centre was opened for all staff to try out the facilities. Even though it was Saturday and of course no-one is happy working on a Saturday I was quite content playing pool with Nan & Mags (who both kicked my ass) and having lunch in Main Dining (very impressed…much better than Melbourne).

Here are some pictures…looks good hey?

See more pictures HERE!

I love this track

Put Your Hands Up For Detroit - Fedde Le Grand

• Andy: Cath, taste this pink ice cream
• Me: You mean strawberry?

It was like the woman who called me the other day from Commercial Bank. I knew what she was trying to say but I felt like being a total bitch because she interupted my flow making my maps. That conversation went like this…

• Me: Hello
• Commercial Bank Woman: Is this Catherine Majella?
• Me: No, this is Catherine Ellis, how can I help you?
• Commercial Bank Woman: Commercial Bank, City Centre, Letter finish?
• Me: Sorry I can’t understand you, you are calling from the Commercial Bank at the City Centre?
• Commercial Bank Woman: Yes, Letter Finish?
• Me: Sorry I can’t understand you, a letter is paper it can’t finish, what are you talking about?
• Commercial Bank Woman: Letter, Finish, Commercial Bank?
• Me: Sorry I don’t understand what you are talking about.
• Commercial Bank Woman: Sorry, bye bye.
• Me: Bye

…I know what she wanted…to know if I finished with my letter from when I closed my bank account…I wish I had stayed with them because the one I am at now is even worse than they are.

I forgot my password for my online banking, I called them and was told to go into the branch to get a new one. I snuck out of work, waited 45 minutes in a HUGE line and was told by the teller that I had to fill out a form and it would take 7 days to get a new password! I had a slight tanty and asked the woman how they lived like this?

Kim and I…ok, really Kim organised a dinner at our place last night…we are both feeling pretty poorly today.

The theme was Italian and as we…

1. Couldn’t be arsed cooking all the food, &
2. Couldn’t be arsed shelling out a shed load of money for food that would not all be consumed…as basically we are all more interested in drinking

…we assigned for everyone to bring food along with them.

Kim made Chicken Parms…Jess made Lasange (a type of Lasagne from Leeds…which was yummy)…we had bruscetta, a Chinese Salad from our favourite Chinese member of workforce (AKIRO), meatballs from Chewy and tons of other food…was very nice indeed.

We ended up drunk on the roof….I cannot possibly reveal our actions…thought the C word was used excessively, as was the phrase “This is My Wife…This is my other wife…this is my Missus…This is my girlfriend…This is my Sister…This one, I have to pay money for, but she worth it!” and there was vom voms over the side of the roof!

See the pictures HERE!

I have said it before, they are spending a fortune on the look of these games. They have branded some of the roundabouts around the city and have installed massive billboard structures completely covered with the look of the games…they look totally amazing.

I will of course take lots more pictures but I thought you might like to take a look at some of the look at the Athletes’ VIllage.

see more picture HERE

Yippee!

The workmen working extremely hard in the Village!

I have been given my uniform…which my favourite part is the yellow trousers…nice!

and I still have my desk…it’s all good!

am getting pretty excited about the games…the look is all over Doha….the village, well, it couldn’t have any more look if it tried. It really does look great…pardon the pun!There are 45 countries competing in these games…the ones I am most excited in dealing with are Japan, China and Kazakhstan (which I had no idea was in Asia until I came here…should have listened to Mrs Chew more in Geography). The reason I am so excited about meeting the Athletes’ from Kazakhstan is that I want to ask someone what they think of Borat.

I am so excited about seeing this film…I actually thought it was out already but I have just seen it is out next week…can’t wait to see it. To see the first 4 minutes of the movie click the video…funny as hell!

Road-crossing pedestrians beware; drivers in a hurry have found an easy way to avoid speed camera fines. Red-faced government officials have announced the news that will fill the hearts of boy racers with glee, that there is a massive flaw in the newly-installed, supposedly high-tech ‘SPECS’ cameras. Sets of the seemingly crap cameras have been installed at 27 sites around the UK at a cost of up to £1.5 million per site, but their shortsighted manufacturers, Speed Check Services, have confirmed that drivers can escape prosecution simply by lane-hopping. The cameras measure a driver’s average speed between two fixed points - which can be many miles apart, so by swerving between lanes every now and again, law-breaking drivers can cheekily avoid having to stump up a sixty quid fine. Police chiefs are begging drivers not to exploit the balls-up by trying to evade the cameras.

Tired of busting kids for getting conkers out of trees and bored of nicking OAP’s for driving at 32mph, idiot coppers in Somerset have arrested a lad on suspicion of robbing his own moped. Pissed off Simon Sharmar, was pulled over for speeding by the fuzz on the way home from college, before being thrown in the nick when the shiny-arse-brigade weren’t happy with “inaccuracies” in his details. “They took my shoe print, fingerprint and put me in jail for three hours,” said Sharmar rubbing the wounds the handcuffs made. “It was strange. It wasn’t very nice.” Admitting they had dropped a bollock, Inspector Nic Crockersaid: “We regret that a young person was in detention for a relatively short period when he had committed no offence.”

Meanwhile, more dunse rozzers in Scotland excelled themselves by leaving a dead body lying in a harbour overnight, because they thought it was a tailor’s dummy. Obviously familiar with seeing tailor’s dummies floating in the water, Fife Constabulary told locals not to be concerned about a body in Inverkeithing Harbour, and that it was a mannequin. The force apologised for the mistake and said it was due to the inexperience of the officers involved.

Demonstrating amazing patience with Sacha Baron Cohen after ripping the piss out of Kazakhstan with his politically incorrect character, Borat, a top official from the country, has invited the Ali-G star to visit. Presumably hoping to teach Cohen a few things about the country and not just kick the shit out of him down a back alley, the invitation comes a fortnight before the release of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. “I’d like to invite Cohen here. He can discover a lot of things,” said deputy foreign minister Rakhat Aliyev, as he twirled his thick moustache. “Women drive cars, wine is made of grapes, and Jews are free to go to synagogues”.

There’ll be no losers in the future as far as genitalia is concerned as according to evolution nerd Dr Oliver Curry, men’s willies are getting bigger and women’s boobs are getting more pert. Dwindling away cash that was obviously too good for cancer research, Dr Curry, spent two months investigating man over the next millennia, but sadly found the future isn’t just full of third legs and gravity defying tits. Apparently a social division, caused from humans being “choosier” about partners, could lead to a social division that would split humans into two sub-species of giants and goblins. The decedents of the upper crust would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent and creative, while an “underclass” will have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, goblin-like creatures or Jade Goody.

Laugh all you want but as far as nymphos back in Blighty are concerned, the Volvo Estate is always the best car for playing a bit of hide the sausage in. Shedding its connotations as the car of choice for incontinent OAPs, a survey of 4,000 people for yesinsure.co.uk actually found it’d seen more action than any other motor. It also found that white van men have been wooing birds with their arse cleavage, with the Mercedes Sprinter Van coming in second, just ahead of hippy favorite, the Vee Dub Camper.

Gagging to bed two birds at once, Richard Green from Cheshire has been granted his wish, if he can get five million hits on his website. His reluctant missus, Katie Greenwood, promised the 30-year-old a threesome, if he can get the magic number on www.pleasemakethiswork.com. Currently on 250,000 hits and rubbing his hands at the prospect of nailing two birds at once, Green said; “A few months ago I asked if she would have a threesome. She said she might be into it but challenged me to make something out of it. - I even have it in writing.” “I’ve agreed to keep my end of the bargain”, said Katie, shuffling nervously in her chair. “But I want to have a little bit of a say in who the girl will be.”

Professional whiner and mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, (right) has won a High Court appeal against a finding that he brought his office into disrepute, after comparing a Jewish journalist to a Nazi camp guard. Only opening his mouth to put his other foot in it, thoughtless Livingstone made the comment to Evening Standard reporter, Oliver Finegold, as he left an event at City Hall in February. “He [Livingstone] should have realised it would not only give great offence to him”, said Justice Collins, playing with his wig. “But was likely to be regarded as an entirely inappropriate observation by Jews in general”, Justice Collins also agreed that while creepy Ken should have apologized, and was “unnecessarily offensive”, he had the right to freedom of speech; “Surprising as it may perhaps appear to some, the right of freedom of speech does extend to abuse”.

The good McCartney name is getting dragged through the dirt after the former Beatle’s estranged wife, Heather Mills, has been telling tales of violence and substance abuse during their marriage. Ageing rocker McCartney insists he will “vigerously” defend his innocence, after Mills filed court papers alleging that the former Beatle had attacked her while she was pregnant, and on another occasion, stabbed her in the arm with a broken wine glass. In an attempt to avoid trial by media and on the advice of his lawyers, Macca is keeping quiet and will respond to the allegations through the current divorce proceedings.

Most British pensioners (right) are looking back in anger, wishing they had got their end away more often when they were younger, according to a poll commissioned by UKTV Gold. Seventy per cent of OAP’s said they’d make more time for getting down and dirty if they had their time again, while those questioned in their twenties proved boring and unexciting, saying they’d rather have financial security. “Who would have thought that pensioners would be so fixated on having missed their opportunity to have more sex, while twenty-somethings are more concerned about property”, said James Newton, of UKTV Gold.

British and American boffins have developed an invisible cloak, (right) like the one worn by geeky do-gooder Harry Potter, which will allow people, planes, tanks and other war paraphernalia to disappear. Sadly the nerds haven’t been working hard enough to make a fat lot invisible from anything other than radar yet, although according to the science swats, in theory the framework is there to do so. Unsurprisingly the gung-ho US military is keen to develop this technology and at least kit their vehicles out in gear that would make them undetectable to enemy radar. “The American military have provided the funds and there has been a lot of interest”, said Prof Sir John Pendry, of the Imperial College, as he sat nervously next to a U.S. soldier. “Although I don’t want to go into too much detail.”

Flesh-hungry police dogs are being muzzled in order to stop injured criminals suing for compensation. Officers in North Wales, who have devised the toothless policy, reckon it provides a safer way to nick offenders, which may soon be adopted by dog squads all across Blighty. In describing the idea, Deputy Chief Constable Clive Wolfendale conjured up the fantastic image of using hounds as missiles. “Instead of biting, the dog is muzzled and launches itself at the midriff of the target,” he vividly described. However, while your average petty thief will be overjoyed, critics are suggesting that making a police dog’s bark worse than its bite is yet another example in a long line of political correctness gone crazy. Retired dog handler John Barrett guffawed: “The public would laugh at you with a muzzled dog, and it could be counterproductive if people think the dog has to be muzzled because it is dangerous.”

In news that will further diminish Tony Blair’s ever-decreasing grin, top military officer General Sir Richard Dannatt has called for British troops to be brought home from Iraq as soon as possible. Rock-hard army bigwig Sir Richard, the holder of a Military Cross, said: “I am a soldier speaking up for the army and saying, ‘Come on, we cannot be here for ever’.” Beleaguered PM Blair, aghast at the fact that people are still bringing up his bungled approach to the war on terror after all this time, responded with the mind-boggling obvious: “It’s tough for British soldiers in Iraq.” No shit Sherlock.

Trouble-making Scousers need to keep an eye on the sky in the future, as Merseyside Police are considering the fantastically ludicrous idea of bringing in spy planes to patrol some of the more unsavoury areas of Liverpool. While more often used by the military in war-torn Baghdad, the planes may be introduced in an attempt to tackle the growth in anti-social behaviour in the City. The plan makes up part of the new Anti-Social Behaviour Task Force, which is a crook-terrifying amalgamation of the police, the fire service and, bizarrely, lawyers. Officers are strangely describing the new scheme as an “Al Capone” approach to yob behaviour - using any lawful means to tackle law-breaking scallies.

Ireland is going sex mad, and infections are spreading like wildfire, according to a new report. Swots have completed a telephone survey of 7,500 18 to 64 year olds, and discovered the frightening statistic that sexually transmitted infections have increased by a groin-itching 243 per cent in recent years. Not only unbothered about getting a dose of the clap, it turns out that horny youths can’t wait to jump into the sack either, Just six per cent of people now think premarital sex is wrong, compared to a whoppingly frustrated 71 per cent back in 1973. However, the research also shows an increased trend among young men who, unable to shift the constant boner in their pants but equally unable to find anyone willing to touch it, are happy to pay for sex. More than 90 per cent of people also believe emergency contraception should be available without prescription.

Technophobes beware; in a bid to stamp out passport bootleggers, Minister for Foreign Affairs Dermot Ahern has launched the E-passport. The snazzy new technology contains an embedded microchip which stores the passport’s information, making it impossible to forge, or so we’re told. People can still use their trusty passport book but their next one will be an E-passport. “Ireland is internationally recognised as having one of the most advanced passport documents in the world,” Ahern smugly pronounced.

Prancing idiot Michael Flatley has married his longtime co-star Niamh O’Brien in a ceremony in County Cork. The chest-bearing boozer, who is the ‘star’ of Lord of the Dance and Riverdance, gushed: “She’s the most beautiful girl in the world, inside and out. She is exactly what I was hoping my wife would be.” At one point during the service, which was attended by 250 invited friends, celebs and hangers-on, the entire congregation rose to their feet and sang a vomit-inducing chorus of “For he’s a jolly good fellow.” Never one to show off, the glorified tap-dancer then treated dinner guests to a gourmet buffet, which included plates of fresh Irish salmon caught from the river that runs through his estate.

Feral kids are rejoicing at the news that the Minister of State at the Department of Health and Children, Brian Lenihan, has announced new legislation increasing the age of criminal responsibility from seven to 12 years. Under the new rules children under the age of 12 cannot be charged with an offence. While keeping one eye on the hubcaps on his car, Lenihan said: “Young children do not have a full understanding of the consequences of criminal actions.” However, kids planning to embark on a career of serious crime need to watch out. An exception is made for ten and 11-year-old scallywags charged with more severe offences.

Former child star Kirsten Dunst has announced that she plans to quit Hollywood so that she can go to art school. Clearly not content with the easy life she already leads, she now wants to spend a few years living off baked beans and happy hours by becoming a university student. Trying on a gown and mortar she said: “Right now I want to go to art school. It’s important to do other things. I’m not the type of actress who likes to do movie after movie after movie. It doesn’t feel like you have much of a life. You’re just taking on a new identity in a way.”

One of the world’s leading theoretical physicists, Jessica Simpson, has revealed how spending time with African children with facial deformities made her realise that her marriage with Nick Lachey was over. I know what you’re thinking - it wasn’t because she realised most of them were better looking than Nick. “I was in hospitals with all these sick kids, and I was looking at the beauty of this whole different world. I just knew I needed to find something more in my life - on my own.” Bold words from the woman who claimed fish and chicken are the same thing. Warning, the following material may be extremely offensive to those who are easily offended by shameless cheese: “I prayed, then looked up at the sky, and I’d never seen this before - it was a double rainbow. It was the most gorgeous thing ever. “From that moment on, I’ve listened to Judy Garland’s somewhere over the rainbow every single day.” Sweet Jesus.

Officialy the world’s biggest fake gangsta, (or wanksta as Fiddy Cent likes to call them) Tim Westwood, has said, “F**k you,” to Simon Cowell. The hard-as-nails, middle aged, son of the former Bishop of Peterborough ranted: “Simon Cowell said some bulls*** about me the other day. It’s definitely a case of f*** you. I don’t have an opinion of him. I think he’s a very rich dude and I respect his money.” Cowell will no doubt be fearing a drive-by.

News that involves a hat-trick of pointless celebrities; former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and his brother Aaron have been fighting over omnipresent, drink-driving waste of space Paris Hilton. Embarrassingly for the siblings, there is no denying the dispute, as the whole thing was captured on US TV show The House of Carters. American viewers, presumably with absolutely nothing better to do, tuned into the latest of an interminable run of series that document the lives of has-been celebrities, to see the Carters rowing when Nick found out the his brother took ‘pop star’ Hilton out on a date shortly after the two had split. Presumably, Aaron Carter would have argued the point that man-fan Hilton would have got round to him eventually anyway.

Sour-faced witch Madonna has returned to Britain empty-handed after her adopted son was banned from leaving Malawi following a passport mix-up. Madge boarded the jet with the adopted Davie before a jobsworth pilot called immigration when he realised the boy did not have the relevant paperwork. The child was then taken away by a carer. Sources said the megalomaniac Queen of Pop threw one of her legendarily tiresome strops, before she and long-suffering hubby Guy Ritchie flew back to London without her latest whim. Madonna’s proposed adoption has been criticised by intellectual heavyweights including pregnant daytime TV dwarf Lowri Turner. In spite of the fact that no-one cares about her opinion, the mum of two bitched: “She was described as so excited. She’s probably not been that thrilled since she chose her last Gucci shoes. Once we stole grown men and women from Africa. Now we take their babies.”

The clock is ticking as Channel Four bosses try to find the new presenter of every college layabout’s favourite show. Yes, Countdown is soon to be presenterless following moustachioed love-machine Des Lynam’s decision to call it a day after just 18 months in the hotseat. Michael Aspel has turned down the opportunity to spend his afternoons with thinking man’s crumpet Carol Vorderman, he has revealed, through fear of having to emulate bumbling lynchpin Richard Whiteley. The host of the dull-as-ditchwater Antiques Roadshow said he didn’t think he was the man for the job. “It was nice to be asked, but the success of the show was Richard Whiteley with his loud ties and bad jokes, and it didn’t need a laid-back presenter like me.” Much to everybody’s horror, Aspel has suggested that the irritating Gyles Brandreth is more suited to the role.

In a declaration that will horrify both Demi Moore and Jennifer Aniston, annoying Hollywood pretty boy Ashton Kutcher is planning to take the former Friends star out on a date. However, Moore’s toy-boy husband is only doing it to win a long-standing bet. The presenter of MTV’s Punk’d shouted: “I was 17 when I bet 1,000 bucks I would someday go on a date with her.” Kushter brashly asked Aniston’s then hubby Brad Pitt if he could take his wife out. Pitt, clearly already having one eye on dirty UN ambassador Angelina Jolie, apparently said: “Go ahead.” Kushter droned on to anyone who would listen: “We had a date set to go to out for pizza and then she didn’t want to go. I was serious and I think she thought I was joking.” Or, maybe she just didn’t fancy spending a dismal evening in Pizza Hut with you, Ashton?

Teenage boys had better stock up on the Kleenex, as lazy Hollywood moron Lindsay Lohan has announced that she and stick-thin posho Keira Knightly will play “women who are sexually attracted to each other” in a new movie about Welsh poet Dylan Thomas. In an interview that will tighten the trousers of young men across the globe, Lohan managed to stay sober for long enough to tell MTV: “Keira is older than me, but she kind of has a mysterious relationship with my lover and there’s somewhat of a lesbian undertone.”

Champion chav Charlotte Church has shocked the world by attending a party and not getting completely smashed, fuelling rumours that she is up the duff with shaven-legged rugby glamour-boy Gavin Henson’s baby. In a change from the normal routine of necking pints of vodka until she falls out of the back of a cab into the throng of hovering paparazzi, Wales’ answer to Shane McGowan recently attended a star-studded schmoozfest at London’s Embassy club and partied until 3.30am without touching a drop of booze. She even toasted scrawny warbler Ashley Simpson’s 22nd birthday with a glass of – shock, horror - water. Noticing something of a swelling in church’s belly region, a gossiping insider said: “Everybody at the party was whispering about it. It just isn’t like Charlotte to party all night without alcohol.”

Having spent months refusing to admit that she was shacked up with height-monster Vince Vaughn, Brad Pitt’s cast-off Jennifer Anistion is now denying that the two have split up. Yankee tabloids have lately been brimming with rumours of whether life was imitating art, following the two splitting in the appropriately-titled flick The Break Up, yet Aniston has told the sickeningly empathetic Oprah Winfrey that they are still together. More interesting than her constantly changing yet terminally boring relationship status, is the fact that she has quashed rumours of a boob job, and simply says that when she puts on weight, it goes straight to her chest.

Having spent last year telling children in Britain that they are eating their lardy arses into an early grave, pseudo-geezer Jamie Oliver is now trying to change the diets of kids in Australia. However, amongst his constant pontifications, which have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he is frantically trying to promote his new TV show and restaurant, the painfully chirpy chef has let it slip that he loves nothing more than shoving a takeaway kebab down his ever-open gob. For the brief nanosecond that he wasn’t promoting Sainsbury’s, he took the time out to give his local meat haunt a plug. “When I am slightly drunk, there’s a little place called Kebab King on the New Kings Road. They do a wicked chicken shawerma kebab, heavy on the chilli sauce.”

Despite being fed up of a constant diet of two-minute noodles, travellers returning to England would be well advised to avoid legendary swearer Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant. The eatery belonging to the foul-mouthed purveyor of many a hilarious tantrum has been reported to be one of the most expensive dinner venues in the world. Noshing alone, enjoying a solitary alcoholic bevvy and leaving the snooty waiter a tip will set you back a wallet-busting £108. But Ramsey’s Chelsea joint seems as cheap as Macca’s compared with Aragawa in Tokyo, the priciest restaurant in the world, where you’ll cough up 200 quid for a meal.

In between whining about wise men with semis by the sea, wet lettuce, James Blunt has been busted for slagging it up in Ibiza, behind his missus’ back. The shit’s well and truly hit the fan for the posh prat, and according to the party-pooping Mail on Sunday, his hot Czech model has wasted no time in giving him the flick. “Rumours got back to Petra that James had been partying with loads of gorgeous girls in Ibiza over the summer”, said the fun hating Mail. “They had a huge row during London Fashion Week last month and now it is all over”. This isn’t the first time mummy’s boy Blunt has played away from home, although his latest infidelity with a string of fitties, including Aussie TV presenter Tania Zaetta, is probably one of his better efforts.

Despite attacks from critics for not looking the part as 007, knicker-wetter Daniel Craig, has been hailed as the best Bond ever by the new film’s producers. In a blatant attempt to get Craig in the sack, put more arses on cinema seats and conveniently forget Sean Connery ever existed, Barbara Broccoli, daughter of legendary Bond producer Cubby Broccoli, says the 38-year-old will set the new 007 benchmark. “He’s the best Bond ever. He’ll be the British actor to define a generation”, said Broccoli rolling her eyes and groaning. “He is incredibly sexy, very charismatic and he has enormous screen presence”. Bond fans will be able to judge Craig’s performance for themselves, when Casino Royale hits the big screen on November 17.

Preston from The Ordinary Boys has got numerous reasons to be pissed off. Not only does the wannabe mod have to live with the notion that he is more famous for having sat on his arse in a house for a few weeks than for his music, but he also has to accept the fact that he is less famous than his talentless, airhead wife. And now, he has been struck down by African flu. The gratingly chirpy front-man got hitched to braindead Big Brother contestant Chantelle in August, and the z-listers jetted off to Marrakech where he picked up the virus. Baffled quacks have ordered more tests.

In between ripping off punters at his swanky restaurant and swearing at wannabe chefs, Gordon Ramsey has bruised his balls during a bull fight in Spain. In what is about as cool as getting a hernia during a gym warm-up, Ramsey, who was no doubt reeling off four letter words like they were going out of fashion, fell over and twatted his family jewels on a rock, while running away from a bull. “As the bull was charging towards me, I fell over”, said Ramsey as he threw a cheese grater at his kitchen hand. “I’m black and blue”.

What will surely stir one of the biggest cauldron’s of sheeeiiiite in rock n’ roll history, is the news that a secret track by sexually confused Robbie Williams, slagging off Liam Gallagher, has finally surfaced. In Give Pies A Chance – a play on John Lennon’s famous peace lyrics – not so skinny Robbie, sings a list of witty and original insults slating the Oasis front man, calling him “inbred” and labelling the Manc brothers “monkey boys with monotone eyebrows.” Clearly bored of pondering over his sexuality and wishing it was still the 90’s, Robbie recorded the track with song writing partner Guy Chambers in 2000, when they were working on Sing When You’re Winning. However, Robbie came over all wimpy when he realised it would rustle some Mancunian feathers, and until now the song never made it out the recording studio.

Having run out of excuses for not getting the lay in four months, lard arse Jack Osborne is now blaming his irritating sister Kelly, for scaring potential shags away. Overlooking the fact that he’s three years overdue renewing his gym membership and has all the personality of a verruca, Jack is still adamant it’s all his sister’s fault. “Kelly is a drama queen”, said Jack as he slyly hid a copy of Playboy behind his back. “I’ll be sitting there with a girl and she’ll come up and go, ‘You’re ugly! F**k off.’ I’m just like, ‘Thank you very much.’ Whatever, though. She’s probably right.”

In the latest frantic bid to appear remotely interesting, sleep-inducing pop urchins Keane are launching a war against bootleggers. They will be selling CDs of their gigs just ten minutes after they come off stage, in an attempt to prevent illegal live bootlegs showing up on ebay. The CDs will be flogged to fans leaving the venue by their record label. A spokeswoman for the offensively dull band said: “The CDs will be recorded, mixed and mastered in real time, backstage after the gigs, and then pressed and sold to fans in the lobby as they leave.” Rumours that the extra cash these CDs will raise will go towards funding chubby front-man Tom Chaplin’s drink and drug problem are unsubstantiated.

Skinny gobshite Johnny Borrell was a big winner at the Vodafone Live Music Awards, as his Dadrocking band Razorlight won the Live Impact Award and Best Live Music DVD. On a night hosted by the equally egotistical Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles, other winners included portly quartet Take That, who took home the prize for Best Live Return after their triumphant comeback/cash-in tour. Old-timers The Who were presented with the Freddie Mercury Lifetime Achievement in Live Music Award, which was presented by extravagantly-haired master of fret-wankery Brian May. Other winners at the frighteningly self-congratulatory event included political bores U2, Muse, Gorillaz and The Automatic.

Fearing that a week might go by without their oh-so-controversial opinions making the news, gobby Oasis worshippers Kasabian have launched a stinging attack on US rockers My Chemical Romance. In spite of the fact that having a bash at an Emo band is tantamount to kicking a wheezy boy when he’s down, the Leicester based quintet said: “They don’t have anything positive to say. The only good news is that it won’t last,” front-man Tom Meighan slurred. “These clowns won’t be around for much longer. Their make-up will flake off and the scene will die out. And it can’t happen soon enough.” The pasty Americans have had the last laugh though, as their single, the suitably gloomy Welcome to the Black Parade went straight into the UK singles chart at number one.

Having breathed a sigh of relief that Justin Hawkins has quit The Darkness, music lovers are in mourning at the news that his departure has not only failed to signal the end for the once moderately amusing rock band, but that he may embark on a solo career. Remaining members of one-trick-ponies The Darkness will continue with their terminally pointless careers, with bassist Richie Edwards deputising on vocals, although thankfully there are no plans to release a third album, following the dismal sales of their latest effort. The powder-hoovering Hawkins meanwhile is the latest self-pitying celebrity to have booked himself into The Priory, where he is currently undergoing drug rehabilitation.

Frustrated at how he is now no longer the most famous person even within his own family, former ceiling-dancer Lionel Ritchie has whored himself out to lowest-common-denominator ‘entertainment’ show X Factor. In an embarrassing bid to reestablish himself in the consciousness of the British public, rubber-faced Ritchie was guest of honour on last week’s live show, and in an act of shallow controversy, he told perennial dullard Louis Walsh that he was going to “wrestle to the floor” the walking trouser, Simon Cowell. Disappointingly, the threat was an empty one. At least if he’d gone through with it, it would’ve made the tragically cringeworthy show half-watchable.

Aurally-challenged music enthusiasts eager to purchase the new All Saints single will be overjoyed to learn that the exasperatingly dull four-piece have brought forward the release of their comeback single. Unsurprisingly, this is not due to public demand, but in order to avoid a chart thrashing by monobrowed Oasis. Nicole Appleton was apparently shitting herself at the prospect of going head to head with her pet monkey Liam Gallagher. A source said: “Making a comeback is hard enough, but to be out on the same day as one of the biggest acts around, and be related to them as well, just adds to the pressure. If they had lost, Liam would have ribbed Nic something wicked.” Fearing a flop, the gutless quartet then also decided to avoid releasing the single the following week, as that is when chubby has-beens Take That launch their new effort.

A film following the story of long haired punksters The Ramones is in the pipeline. Producer Rory Rosegarten has bought the film rights to the planned book, I Slept With Joey Ramone. The book is an authorised biography written by Joey Ramone’s brother Mickey Leigh and music journalist Legs McNeil. Rosegarten has also negotiated a deal which allows him to use the group’s music in the film, reports Variety.

Walking car crash Whitney Houston has laughably suggested that she is to make a comeback into pop music. Despite her well documented and morbidly fascinating fall from grace, the ageing Class A fan is keen to rebuild a career that took a nosedive once she hooked up with ridiculously-haired mental-case Bobby Brown. Music producer Premier, who recently worked on fellow vocal gymnast Christina Aguilera’s Back to Basics LP, says he is close to agreeing a deal to create Houston’s first new material in four years. “She deserves another chance,” he nervously stated, while ensuring that all pharmaceuticals were out of harm’s reach. “I won’t misguide her career and give her some bullshit track.” It’s perhaps a little too late to worry about misguiding her career, she seemed to do a pretty good job of that herself.

Not content with just keeping Her Majesty’s constabulary nicely busy, loveable crackhead Pete Doherty has surprised everyone by announcing that he is actually making some music. His band of fellow junkies, Babyshambles, will release a new EP in November. Incredibly, the dirty-fingernailed one has managed to punctuate jail-spells with enough studio time to have recorded 11 songs, a handful of which will make it onto the EP. Doherty is also designing the artwork for the release. Meanwhile, in news that will have Libertines fans wetting themselves with excitement, Kate Moss’s marginally less skinny other-half has teamed up with former band-mate Carl Barat for a charity single for The Joe Strummer Foundation for New Music, although there are no plans for any new Libertines material, which, having heard the last Babyshambles album, is a crying shame.

Floppy-fringed indie kids are in mourning as legendary New York rock venue CBGB has closed its doors for the last time. Stars like gyrating nutcase Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers and the formerly attractive Deborah Harry showed up to say a tearful farewell, while crusty rock grandma Patti Smith played the club’s final set: “We can have CBGB in our hearts, but the new generation is going to have their own places to play. They’re going to find some shithole and play in it like we did.” The club is closing as the previous lease expired and the new rent was too costly.

Stone faced cow Sarah Harding from seminal music outfit Girls Aloud has bagged herself a bit-part role in a new British film. The Guchi-clad singer will play a character called Emma in new movie Runners With Cars, (sure to be a classic) but is denying terrifying rumours that the band will split up because of it. Harding has been toying with the idea of acting for some time, but insists that she can take film work without neglecting her ever-so-demanding duties for Girls Aloud. The four slaaaags release their greatest hits collection, The Sound Of Girls Aloud on October 30.

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With the thought of the 900+ maps I still had to create for the AV accommodation…after tossing and turning for an hour or so I decided to go into work.The maps are for the backs of the Athletes’ apartment doors…and the thought of them gives me a headache! I told my Dad about the maps and he replied “Good God”…exactly Dad!

I did get a chance to chat with one of my good friends for an hour or so, so my time at work wasn’t all that bad…nice to finally find out what the Travelator was…I thought it was the Australian version of NASA or something!

When I walked out of the building to my car I saw written on the boot in huge writing “WOMAN WITH A BAD ATTITUDE” in the dust. I knew who it was immediately…Jesse. He had parked his car next to mine…though I hadn’t seen him on our floor!

I quickly wrote in large letters on his bonnet “I HAVE A SMALL WILLY” and when I turned around saw the Village Director walking towards me with another man. For a minute I doubted myself…had I just written this message on this other man’s  car? Was it possible it wasn’t Jesse’s car?

I quickly drove out the carpark and pulled up at the side of the building and called him…I was relieved to hear it was his car.

You will have to wait to see the pictures!