A devastated family have returned from a long weekend getaway to find their house trashed – by a squirrel. The shocked Gloucestershire couple came home to find that their living room had been ransacked and their curtains, settee and window frames had all been torn up or chewed. The distraught couple feared that the thousands of pounds worth of damage had been caused by burglars until they found sooty paw prints around the room and the bushy-tailed rodent dead behind the sofa. A bemused RSPCA spokesman said: “It’s unfortunate for the family - and the squirrel.”
Lazy people too busy with their fast-paced and highly important lives to actually attend a relative’s funeral have been given the option of watching it on the internet. Brethby Crematorium, in Derby, has become the first in Britain to offer the online link after selling DVDs of funerals proved a hit. Checking his reflection before walking in front of the online camera, Manager Nick French said: “It is just keeping up with the times. There has been a lot of interest – we expect to live record our first funeral in a few days.”
A heroic British tourist has managed to save his family and 30 other people by putting out a raging fire in a French campsite. Quick-thinking Kenny Pearce was woken up by the sound of some aerosols exploding in one of the other tents, which quickly became a fireball. The 42-year-old hurried his family to safety before extinguishing the blaze. Seeing his one chance to tell a particularly naff joke he laughed: “It was more a horrorday than holiday.”
Proving just how lapse our country is at giving out British passports is the news that a pub landlord has received his new passport featuring a photo of a complete stranger. Despite the threat of terrorism being a daily worry, the Liverpool passport office sent out the bumbled document – even though they also had the old one with the correct photograph in it. Bemused Simon Howarth, who received the cocked up passport, said: “Who is the chap in the photo in my passport? What does he do? Has he got my picture in his passport? This is a joke when the Government is supposed to be boosting security.” Unfazed by the gaff the Identity and Passport Service claimed: “Last year our accuracy rate was 99.8 per cent.”
An unlucky pensioner has had to be rescued by firefighters after she got stuck in a pantry whilst boiling an egg. The disaster-ridden 84-year-old had gone into her pantry to grab a loaf when a sudden gust of wind slammed the door shut. To make matters worse, a chair then fell against the door handle trapping her in the cupboard for two hours. During this time the pan boiled dry and burst into flames causing the pantry to fill up with smoke. The hapless pensioner then had to bang on the window with a tin of baked beans to get help. Attempting to keep a straight face an amused fire brigade spokesman said: “It was a series of unfortunate events.”
Showing your briefs in court took on a whole new meaning the other day when an angry solicitor dropped his pants in a court corridor. Pant-bearing Willie Johnson has been told that he faces legal action after he stood with his suit trousers around his ankles and goaded security officers to search him after they told him to pass through the electronic scanner. The protesting solicitor was one of many who were against the new security measures introduced last week meaning that everyone – not just charged criminals – have to be scanned and searched. However, the rules don’t apply to prosecutors, magistrates or court staff. A livid spokesman for Her Majesty’s Court Service fumed: “We are taking this incident very seriously and we are considering what action to take.”
In unsurprising news, Monday mornings are the worst time of the week for most of us. According to a clearly crucial new poll, one in three of us turn up to work with a hangover on Mondays after drinking until late on Sunday night to help cope with the foreboding Monday morning. Over a quarter of people oversleep and a third pull a sickie. Of those of us who actually turn up, 17 per cent of us will have an argument and 15 per cent will consider quitting.
Surly British builders are in uproar after figures reveal that manual workers’ wages have dropped by 50 per cent since Eastern European migrants flooded the employment market. The revelation came after a secret memo to Tony Blair from MP John Denham was leaked to the ever dependable Sun newspaper stating that: “Many migrants are undercutting wages. The day rate for building workers in Southampton has fallen by 50 per cent, £120 to £60, since May 2004.” This comes after news that the Home Office grossly underestimated the number of migrants that would come to the UK after new countries joined the EU. Instead of the predicted 5,000-13,000 expected, 293,000 registered for work in the first 18 months alone.
Proving that political correctness can go that step too far is the news that council chiefs are planning to axe long-service awards for their loyal employees to avoid being accused of ageism. Strict new laws set to be imposed this October will make it illegal to discriminate against someone on grounds of their age, so barmy council bosses are relishing the chance to cut the awards. An infamous Sun insider said: “The council officers are terrified of contravening the new legislation.”
A 10-year-old schoolgirl is set to become £3,500 richer after finding a lump of whale sick on the beach. Seaside loving Melissa Cathcart was walking along Shell Beach in Gwynedd, North Wales, when she came across a huge clump of waxy yellow puke. Clutching the vomit tightly in her hand, the scouse kid went to the SeaQuarium in Rhyl to show them her find. They confirmed that it was sperm whale sick, called ambergris, and told her that it worth a lot of money – up to £10 a gram. Known as “floating gold” it is used by perfume makers to slow down evaporation in perfume and is very rare. Getting ready to pocket her daughter’s windfall Kay Cathcart said: “We recently heard on the radio about ambergris, but when Melissa found some I couldn’t believe it!”
Royal knob-end Prince Harry has been snapped drunkenly groping a female friend in London’s trendy Boujis nightclub. Party loving brother Prince William was also at the club looking particularly merry as he chatted to another girl in the corner, whilst Harry went for a more forward approach choosing to grab Natalie Pinkham’s boob. The boozed up Prince may have some serious explaining to do to his girlfriend Chelsy Davy who was abroad at the time. The Palace is claiming that the photos are old.
In a move that is sure to improve race relations back in Blighty, security experts have suggested that young Muslims be the main targets of extra security checks in airports. The new so-called “profiling” techniques have been unveiled by transport chiefs, airport operators and BAA and would pick out suspicious looking people from certain ethnic and religious backgrounds. Muslim leaders in the UK have criticised the plans calling them “an extreme form of stereotyping”. However, aviation security expert Philip Baum maintained: “If we do not introduce some form of profiling we will be continuing to look for needles in a haystack.”
Among their fight to cancel third world debt, end hunger and generally act like self-righteous do-gooders, it seems that U2 are adding a spot of tax dodging to their list of priorities. The Labour Party’s Joan Burton has hit out at the ageing rockers after reports emerged showing that the group had transferred part of their publishing company to a Dutch finance firm (also used by the Rolling Stones) in a bid to lower their tax bills. The money loving foursome took the decision to move some of their money to the Netherlands after the Government put a €250,000 limit on tax-free incomes. Evidently pleased with herself, Labour finance spokesperson Joan Burton said: “Having listened to Bono on the necessity for the Government to give more money to Ireland Aid… I am surprised that U2 are not prepared to contribute to the exchequer on a fair basis along with the bulk of taxpayers.”
Proof that reality TV should be banned is the news that Big Brother 7 reject and aspiring rapper Spiral has released a single that looks set to storm the charts. Despite being booted out of the BB house, the Finglas local has cashed in on his current bout of fame and released Finglas – an annoyingly catchy rap about stealing cars and run-ins with the Gardai in the well ‘ard North-side hood – which has managed to nudge its way into the Irish Top Ten. It’s currently at number nine just behind Nelly Furtado’s Maneater and there’s talk that it may well reach number one, courtesy of increased publicity from the Channel 4 programme and a possible collaboration with bitchy Louis Walsh.
A bunch of travellers have been awarded hundreds of euros in compensation after being thrown out of a pub. The Equality Tribunal in Ireland have ordered Limerick landlord Vincent Redmond to pay traveller Michael Stokes €300 and give him a written invitation to come back to his pub. This comes after another case in Mullingar where a gypsy pair were awarded €600 for hurt and humiliation after a landlord called them “excess baggage” and refused to serve them.
Irish heavyweight Sheamus O’Shaunessy has launched a publicity campaign to try and get his foot in the door in Hollywood. The flame-haired Irish Curse won’t get to take part in the upcoming WWE Raw Wrestling Road Show that’s coming to Ireland soon but is not letting that stop him. After landing a part in the movie 3Crosses earlier this year, the Celtic giant has had a series of photos shot by Irish artist and celtic mythology illustrator Jim Fitzpatrick to impress agents in LA LA Land. Whilst rolling his sleeves down to cover his own measly muscles, Fitzpatrick said: “I wish Sheamus O’Shaunessy every success. If Finn McCool were reborn this is what I expect he would look like! He sure looks the part.”
Like most Yanks worldwide, Justin Trousersnake has declared that he has British roots. Despite the fact that he’s so typically American you’d expect him to pledge allegiance to the star spangled banner on a daily basis, Britney Spears’ ex claims that research he’s done on his family tree shows he has UK heritage. Sipping on a cup of Earl Grey and munching on a cucumber butty the 25-year-old singer said: “I’ve had my genealogy studied and I want to say that I am of British decent. “There was a British lad who was in a war, not sure which war, but he ran away from the war because he fell in love with an Indian girl, and that’s where my family tree started.”
Man-fan Lindsay Lohan has been banned from Justin Timberlake’s gigs because she is apparently bad for his image. The Trousersnake’s management have insisted that the “socialite ligger” be excluded from the guest list and have refused to give her tickets. The lazy actress, who earlier this month was chastised by movie bosses for her excessive boozing and partying, had asked for tickets and access-all-area passes but was told to piss off. Chuckling inanely to himself, a source said: “Justin’s gig will be packed with Hollywood A-listers and a lot of important names in music. “The last thing his label want is Lindsay getting hammered and making a spectacle of herself, taking attention away from Justin and his new album.”
Chav footballer’s wife Coleen McLoughlin has revealed that she is battling with her weight. Wayne “Shrek” Rooney’s slightly better half says that she piled on the pounds during their recent holiday to St Tropez and is now taking combat classes to try to slim down. “I overloaded on pizzas, steaks, potatoes,” she said between mouthfuls of a sweaty-looking kebab. “My latest thing is body combat classes. It’s a bit like aerobics but with lots of punches and kicks.” “I’m not sure it would be any good for self-defence but it’s great for toning.”
In what can only be bad news for the sex-tape industry, Paris Hilton has said that she plans to go without sex for a year as part of a “no bonking” pact she has made with friends. The infamous man jockey, who claims to have only ever slept with two men in her whole life, has formed a “single girls club” with friends. They have apparently made a bet to see who can last the longest without sex as they put their careers first. Whilst gyrating her hips furiously towards a hopeful male she said: “I’m not doing it with anyone. I want to concentrate on work. I’ll kiss, but nothing else.”
Nicole Richie, the girl who would probably break in half if a strong gust of wind came her way, has blamed her skeletal figure on stress. The formerly chubby Paris Hilton sidekick refuses to acknowledge that she has an actual illness and insists the infamous “pressures of fame” are what have taken their toll on her body. Whilst pushing aside the plate of french fries in front of her and filing down her finger nail she said: “I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder. My weight is a result of stress. “I didn’t lose weight on purpose. I simply wasn’t eating enough. But I did realise I had gotten too thin. Now I’m doing all I can to get my weight up — and have gained some,” she finished, running off to the toilet.
Yet another celeb who is in desperate need of some press attention is Noel Gallagher’s former flame Meg Mathews, who is among the current glut of celebs checking into rehab. The dog-faced party girl has gone into the Charter Nightingale Clinic, in North London, leaving her 6-year-old daughter with her mum. She is apparently in there for depression – the second time she’s been treated for it since her split with Noel. A cling-on pal told The Mirror: “Meg reached rock bottom in Ibiza. After one heavy night out she knew she needed to get help. “Since she and Noel split she hasn’t found lasting love. But she’s taking control now and is determined to turn over a new leaf.”
Freak show singer Grace Jones has been sued for £22,600 for wrecking her old flat in the UK. The scary looking former Bond girl has been accused of causing wilful damage to her former £2.2million flat in Chelsea Harbour – the same place the likes of Blobby Williams and cockney wide boy Michael Caine live. 58-year-old Jones is accused of owing £9,000 in rent and a further £15,000 in damages.
Despite the fact that she’s only made three solo albums, washed-up ginger Geri Halliwell has announced that she will release a Very Best Of album. The has-been Spice Girl, who couldn’t hold a note if her life depended on it, has decided to milk every last drop of publicity out of her – all but dried up – career and release Disco Sister: The Very Best of Geri later this year.
Sensing the need for a major PR stunt to help counter dwindling sales, The Darkness’ Justin Hawkins has checked himself into The Priory. The 31-year-old spandex lover is thought to have become severely depressed after he heard rumours that Warner, the band’s record label, will more than likely drop the glam-rockers after their latest album failed to make it in to the Top 10. This comes after former bassist Frankie Poullain already accused the goofy-teeth sporting singer of being a coke-head when he left the band last year. He famously jeered: “Unless you were in the druggy clique or the fawning circle of ass-kissers, you’d find yourself persona non grata.”
The Arctic “we’ll always do our own thing” Monkeys have given into pressure and removed the cigarette from their album cover. Regardless of the fact that they shouted about the fact that they will never take any notice of what the public says and certainly never do what they are told, the Sheffield scallys have just released new billboard posters of their Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not album with the fag – that band member Chris McClure was once taking a drag on – removed.
Cheesy past-it rocker Meatloaf has declared that he is such a huge fan of the new Doctor Who series that he thinks he should get a role in it. Citing his easily forgettable role as breast sporting cancer survivor Robert ‘Bob’ Paulson in Fight Club as a reason to give him a chance, the ageing singer begged producers to let him play a villain in the series. A typically anonymous source told the Daily Star: “Loaf would be really chuffed if he could land a cameo role in one episode and thinks it would be really good to play a baddie.”
Despite recently banging on about the crazy happy times that wedded life can bring, Kate Hudson has split from her rocker hubby Chris Robinson. Golide Hawn’s daughter, known primarily for her rom-com classics, has confirmed through her agent that she and pug-ugly Chris have separated. The couple had been married for nearly six years and have a 2-year-old son together.
Following in the footsteps of every reality couple to be screened on MTV since 2003, Meet The Barkers newlyweds Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler have split up. The former Blink182 drummer and past Miss USA would have celebrated their two year anniversary this October, but Travis has filed for divorce this week. Realising that she will probably get no more press after her divorce is finalised, Moakler sickeningly gushed on her MySpace blog: “I still very much believe in the power of love … I look back with no regrets and feel blessed for my experience and look forward with an open mind.”
Realising that it’s probably some of the best publicity she can expect to have for a while since having her hair cut, Victoria Beckham has said that she is “shocked and upset” over hubby David being axed from the England team. Skeletal Spice Victoria also revealed that she has been doing everything she can to support the 31-year-old Real Madrid star, who reportedly cried like a baby when he was told that he would lose his place in Steve McClaren’s team shake-up, despite spending the weekend away from him at her parents’ house. A blabbermouth source close to the family cried: “The whole family are devastated for David because they know how much playing for England means to him. They can’t understand why he wouldn’t even make the squad. They are at a loss.”
Sensing that both her music and presenting career may be well and truly behind her, Queen of Chav’s Kerry Katona has decided to try her hand in the property market. The preggers Iceland spokeswoman has bought a whole row of terraced houses in Warrington for £150,000 and apparently intends to rent them out cheaply to scallys and dolites in the local area. Amused that anyone would invest in that many houses in his run-down area, resident Geoff Whelan said: “Kerry is a good ambassador for Warrington. She has a heart of gold and is popular here. The area needs a kick up the backside and if Kerry wants to spend her money doing that - then good luck to her.”
Serial love cheat Jesse Metcalfe has announced that his two timing days are over because he’s reached the ripe old age of 27. The Girls Aloud loving actor, who is currently shacked up with Nadine Coyle, even slipped away from his movie premier for John Tucker Must Die – in which he plays an unfaithful lover – to see his girlfriend. Whilst giving a passing waitress the eye he smugly purred: “I’ve dated three girls at the same time. I’ve never lied about it but I’m 27 years old – I’m not 18 anymore.”
Real-life blow up doll Jenna Jameson has had to back out of the American football match she was set to play in wearing only underwear after being unable to get insurance. The 32-year-old Queen of Porn was set to play as a quarterback in the raunchy Lingerie Bowl (sure to be much more entertaining than the Yankee Superbowl) in January. However, fearful of any irreparable damage that might be done to her breasts during the escapade her insurance bosses have put a stop to it. She was apparently devastated that she wouldn’t be able to get in on the girl-on-girl action and instead will now commentate on the game in her bra and knickers. Whilst flexing her biceps she growled: “For a small girl, I can really rocket that f****r.”
Regardless of the fact that they separated in 2005, the man who gives hope to all ginger men worldwide, Chris Evans, has been seen hanging out with ex Billie Piper all over London. The estranged odd couple, who defiantly remain friends and resolve to take nothing from each other in their divorce, were recently seen canoodling in Primrose Hill, laughing and telling jokes. A nosey onlooker said: “They looked very close. You’d never have guessed that they’ve split up.”
Party lover and aspiring socialite Peaches Geldof has been spurned by indie heroes Kasabian after they refused to see her after their gig in Ibiza. The 17-year-old wannabe DJ defied her self-righteous father and signed up for a week of DJ gigs with her pal Fifi Brown under the name Trash Pussies, in Ibiza, alongside the likes of Pete Doherty. Clearly walking in the footsteps of her late groupie mother, she was spotted whipping off her thong and throwing it into the audience at the Kasabian gig and flashed her boob when she changed her T-shirt. After partying like a loon she desperately tried to get backstage to see the Leicester lads, but the band was not keen to see the pissed teen. Their bouncer’s knocked her back three times before she got the message and spotted an MTV camera which she then ran to to beg for an interview.
A major bitch fight has broken out between Elle Macpherson and Heidi Klum after Klum stole the nickname The Body. The 33-year-old German has been dubbed Heidi The Body Snatcher after she claimed in a US TV commercial for Victoria’s Secret’s The Body bra: “They call me The Body and now I have a bra named after me.” However angry Elle, who has been marketing herself as The Body since 1986, is apparently livid. Whipping out old copies of Sports Illustrated to prove her point Melissa Edwards, spokeswoman for Elle’s lingerie line Intimates, said: “We have numerous press clippings in the office referring to Elle as The Body. “Everything from Harper’s Bazaar to Vogue to the recent Sports Illustrated calls her that. In terms of public record, that name belongs to Elle.”
Demonstrating to the world what an arrogant twat he really is, Simon Cowell has said that he would chose a mirror as his luxury item if (God willing) he was ever stranded on a desert island. The high trouser wearing ponce appeared on Sue Lawley’s Desert Island Discs, on Radio 4, where he confirmed his self-important big-headed nature. When asked why he’d take a mirror the conceited Pop Idol judge purred: “It’s because I’d miss me… I am on my own, no one around, I might as well have a mirror.”
Not letting the fact that she’s pushing 50 get in the way of things, leotard loving Madonna is desperate to have another baby. According to her dad, Tony Ciccone, Madge and Guy have already been attending a fertility clinic in the hope of popping out a third sprog. Whilst bouncing his grandchildren about on his knee he gushed: “She has mentioned it to me. Of course it would be nice if she did.”
Wimpy new Bond actor Daniel Craig has pleaded with fans to give him a chance. The highly criticised actor – who pissed of die hard 007 fans when he said he wouldn’t wear a tux, couldn’t drive a car with a gear stick and was afraid of heights – said that he couldn’t understand why he spurred an internet hate campaign to try to get him axed and has begged people to give Casino Royale a chance. Wiping away the tears he blubbed: “They hate me. They don’t think I’m right for the role. “They’re passionate about it, which I understand, but I wish they’d reserve judgment.”
Gwyneth “butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth” Paltrow has decided to try and shed her good girl image by revealing that she is a total bitch behind the steering wheel. Despite the fact that she’s known for lambasting women who dare to get drunk on a Saturday night, the boring 33-year-old has now announced that she has a tendency towards road rage. Bearing her teeth and sporting a fake tattoo she attempted to growl: “I curse when I drive. I’m like a horribly aggressive New York driver. I’m always yelling ‘**** you!’ at truck drivers and honking my horn!”
Having recently split from long term lover Penelope Cruz, loveable redneck Matthew McConaughey has set his sights on Jennifer Anniston. The horny actor apparently called up Brad’s ex and asked her out on a date, but she allegedly turned him down. A source – who clearly must have been bugging the Friends star’s home – told American Star magazine: “When Matthew called, Jen told him she was flattered, but she didn’t think it would be right to go out with Matt while she’s dating Vince.”
Bumbling drug lover Pete Doh!erty has been refused a new passport because authorities say he looks too off his face in his photos. The screwed up musician was set to headline a sold out show in San Antonio as part of the Ibiza Rocks season but realised last minute that he had lost his passport. His quick thinking agent got him to send off for a temporary one but his photos didn’t meet the government’s strict standards. Whilst pulling bunny ears behind Pete’s head a source said: “Pete’s head was leaning forward. It looked like he was nodding off so the photos were rejected.”
Realising that a public bitch out could really help her current cash flow crisis, Heather Mills McCartney has announced that she will reveal some of the intimate details of her and Paul McCartney’s marriage. Despite insisting that their split would be an amicable one, the divorce proceedings have taken a bitter turn with porn pictures being splashed on the front of all the tabloids, phone calls being bugged and bank accounts being frozen. Macca claims that Heather was “argumentative and rude to staff” and has now changed the locks on his Sussex estate.
Whinging ex-Cavalry-officer-come-singer James Blunt has installed a huge rock shooting gun on his new villa to protect himself from over-zealous fans. The former army lad splashed out £1.7million on his Ibiza mansion but has since had to cope with crazy souvenir hunters rifling through his bins and hanging around outside. Momentarily ceasing his whining singing to do some regular whining he moaned: “When I come here I want to get away from it all and I just keep to myself so I’d like some privacy in return. I’ve gone out and bought a gun that shoots rocks so if I catch anyone hanging around then I’ll get them with that.”
Clean cut Natasha Bedingfield has been told that she has to indulge in some kind of scandal if she wants to be taken seriously in the US. The unremarkable singer, who moved to LA to try to crack the elusive American audience, has been told by record company execs that she is “too boring” to be a success and must aspire to become a “bad girl” if she wants to make it. Whilst toying with the idea of stealing a 29 cent can of baked beans from her local Aldi store she said: “I’ve moved from London to Los Angeles because I want to be an international star. But, to achieve that, my record company tells me I need a bit of scandal in my life. “I can tell you, I was shocked. Maybe I should steal something from a supermarket. If I shoplift I could join Winona Ryder’s club.”
Wet World Cup anthem failures Embrace have finally admitted that all their crap ideas have been used up and are asking fans to help them come up with the concept for their next video Target. The crappy indie band have invited people to send in their taped video ideas on YouTube.com so that they might have a chance of making something bordering on decent for a change. Whilst filing his nails and watching Trisha, lazy guitarist Richard McNamara said: “They can be as far out as they want because it’s not properly broadcast. We’ll give away a guitar to the best one.”
Tired of having to trade in her flesh-flashing-bikini-top-wearing days for motherhood, Gwen Stefani has already headed back to the studio. The 36-year-old singer, who only dropped her sprog a mere four months ago, has nearly slimmed back to her boy-like frame already. She was spotted outside an LA recording studio looking her usual fashion-challenged self, wearing trackie bottoms with Dior stilettos.
Ageing homosexual pin-up Boy George has lashed out at paparazzi who started snapping photos of him doing his community service in New York. The red-faced 45-year-old was wearing a rather fetching luminous orange workman’s vest as he set about road sweeping in the city’s Chinatown. When asked how he felt about his punishment, which was court ordered after he falsely reported a break in whilst high on coke, the shamed singer snapped: “You are pathetic. Do you think there is something wrong with sweeping the streets? Get a f-ing life. “You think you are better than me? My mum was a cleaner, my dad was a builder, you know what I mean?” After a mere five minutes the sanitation department bosses moved George to a job inside.
Angry Spanish Sugababes fans have pelted the sulky trio with bottles and booed them off stage at a recent gig in Marbella. The ever-so-happy girl group were an hour and a half late after their flight was delayed due to the terrorist threat in London last week. A pissed of fan shouted: “People were angry. We were not told a reason for the delay.”
Self-indulgent rap mogul P Diddy has caused a stir in Blighty after making a series of typically diva-like demands on his latest promotional visit. The Bling King flatly refused to eat a lavish spread laid out for him at Radio 1 because it was served on polystyrene plates. The stroppy enviro-friendly millionaire demanded that they be replaced by “proper” crockery. Later the edgy superstar and his 15-strong entourage were ferried to their hotel in the £300,000 bullet-proof Maybach car he had demanded and when it became apparent that it wouldn’t fit into the Soho Hotel’s entrance he ordered a new car to come and drive him the 300 yards round the corner. In London to promote his new album Press Play, he also demanded buckets of sweets, bottles of Grey Goose vodka and an on-hand lackey with a mirror so that he could constantly check out his appearance.
You’ve got to admire ‘rapper’ Kevin Federline for trying. Not letting the fact that music label bosses have dismissed his music as utter shite get him down, Mr Britney Spears has decided to set up his own label to release his ill-fated album. The ingeniously named Federation Records – which Federline has created with manger Dan Dymtrow – is set to release Playing With Fire in October. Between giggles a source sputtered: “Kev is determined to become even more successful than his wife. “But after everyone heard his first single there wasn’t a music label in town interested in him.”
Showing a level of common sense lacking in her former chart rival, Christina Aguilera has said that she and her husband Jordan Bratman will never appear on reality TV. Despite being flooded with offers – no doubt since future series of Newlyweds, Till Death Do Us Part and Meet The Barkers are well and truly in the can after all three couples broke up – Aguilera refuses to sink to the headline chasing methods of her contemporaries. Whilst proudly holding up her hand to show off her wedding ring she gloated: “We’ve been approached but my marriage and my relationship with my husband is something that I really want to protect.”
Beer Matt Willis has regressed into his old boozing ways with a five-hour session that ended in an embarrassing bitch fight. The shamed ex-Busted bassist, who recently checked into London’s Priory for treatment, set off on an alcohol fuelled mission after a mini gig at the Paper nightclub for Jesse Metcalfe’s movie premiere. Wino Matt apparently lost it after a group of revellers made some comments about his crappy old band Busted and his girlfriend got into a fight with them and had to be dragged away. After that the alcohol fan got pissed out of his head. An amused bystander who saw the tragic singer get progressively worse said: “For some reason he started going around drinking the beer dregs in abandoned glasses, which was a bit weird.”
Madonna’s long suffering daughter Lourdes has apparently been as disgusted with her mother’s leotard sporting antics as the rest of us. The red-faced 9-year-old hated the flesh baring video for Madge’s Hung Up video and begged her mum to stop doing embarrassing things such as kissing other popstars less than half her age. According to The Mirror the humiliated youngster said to her mother: “Yuck, that’s disgusting. Why are you behaving like that?”
Feeling like a bit of an old-timer in a young man’s market, Noel Gallagher has decided to take Kasabian’s Serge Pizzorno under his wing. The caring Manc is in Ibiza for a couple of weeks and decided to play godfather to the Leicester lad when they went out for a bender together after Kasabian’s show on last week. Apparently the lead guitarist got well and truly hammered, partying until 9am, but he need not have worried about getting home as trusty Noel kept a close eye on him. Bless.
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Everytime I drive through the streets of Doha I think of that episode from the Simpsons with the Monorail, when Mr Burns get’s arrested for hiding toxic waste in tree trunks and pays the government to get out of jail. The town gathers to discuss what to do with the money and Marge suggests fixing the huge pot holes in the road on main street. When I was back in Manchester there was a front page picture of Lebanon after the bombings in the Daily Mail and I told my Dad it looked like Doha…ok, that’s going a bit far but it does look like a massive construction site.The roads here are really terrible…massive pot holes everywhere and lots of off road-ish driving. I don’t know why anyone would want to buy a car out here, not to mention the mental case drivers.
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