.: Cath’s Blog:.

Yes, that is me in the incubator with my big bro on the day I was born!

Have a good one Ged…I love you xxx

A booze-loving dentist is facing prosecution after it was revealed that he tried to treat patients while he was off his face. Alcohol-mad Lee Brown, who has already been convicted of drink driving, apparently pulled sickies all the time because he was too pissed to work. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he also talked a woman into having a tooth pulled out – even though she had only come to register with his practice – and went on to remove three healthy teeth without her consent. Other patients also say that he tuned up “very drunk and had a black eye” during surgery hours. A disciplinary hearing is deciding what action to take.

Hysterical women scared of driving alone at night now have the option of buying an inflatable man to sit with them. The life-sized figure, called Buddy on Demand, fills up with air in 60 seconds and can be inflated through the in-car cigarette lighter. Women’s car insurance firm Sheilas’ Wheels are testing the blow up doll and say that it is so successful that it will probably be available to buy in the next few months.

A whimpering greyhound puppy nearly brought a whole new meaning to the term kebab when he swallowed a six inch skewer that stuck out of the side of his body. The stick that Foxy the dog swallowed was actually wider than the skinny dog’s body and was found by owner Ruth Boswell when she felt something sharp in his side when she stroked him. A vet has operated on the pooch to remove the wooden stick. Pleased of the amusement in an otherwise dull day she said: “The stick was poking out like a knitting needle. I was amazed.”

Sensing that they’ll be nothing to attract the mindless masses once this year’s Big Brother finishes, Channel 4 has decided to do a “Wank Week” season. The high brow channel, known for its screening of insightful critiques on cutting socio-political issues, has commissioned a production company to make a one hour programme following two men trying to kick their excessive masturbating habits. One of the participants wanks, on average, 20 times a day. Channel 4 has also announced that it will broadcast a documentary about a charity mass masturbation called “Wank-a-thon”. Classy.

A Paul Hogan loving scouse grandma decided to re-create a scene from Crocodile Dundee when she was confronted with a knife-wielding burglar. 80-year-old Winifred Whelan was threatened in her home by a man brandishing a 10-inch knife when she grabbed a larger 14-inch carving knife from her kitchen and shouted: “That’s not a knife, this is a knife!” Two men were later jailed at Liverpool Crown Court in connection with the incident.

Proving that some art really is more trouble than it’s worth is the news that two women died and 13 people were injured when a huge inflatable sculpture broke its moorings and flew into a nearby park. Nearly 30 people were inside Maurice Agis’ walk-in exhibit Dreamspace, in northeast England, when a gust of wind blew it nine metres above the park. “All of a sudden it just started rising like a balloon,” excitable witness Mark Spooner told the BBC. “(It was) flinging people all over. Then it just seemed to flip over in the air.” The two victims – aged 68 and 38 – had been walking through the artwork when it took off.

Flying has joined ranks with adultery and murder. Well, that’s what the Bishop of London thinks. Flying abroad for a foreign holiday is now a sin and has moral consequences because flights are doing so much damage to the environment. The hypocritical 59-year-old Bishop flies regularly to Russia but is still demanding that Brits stop flying places. He said: “Making selfish choices such as flying on holiday or buying a large car are a symptom of sin. “Sin is not just a restricted list of moral mistakes. It is living a life turned in on itself where people ignore the consequences of their actions.”

More than 90 per cent of UK mobile users can’t get through the day without using their phone, a survey suggests. The Yougov poll of 16,500 people commissioned by Carphone Warehouse found that 9 per cent of 18 to 24-year-olds admitted being addicted to their phones. The study also found that 54 per cent of females under 25 had used a mobile when out alone to put people off approaching them. The younger generation rates their mobile ahead of television, with most 18 to 24-year-olds saying it matters more to them than their TV. The survey also found that only 14 per cent of people turn their phone off while having a shag. A well-mannered 75 per cent of people think it’s rude to use a mobile during dinner while 81 per cent say it’s fine to talk on your mobile on the train.

Patriotic British food lovers are up in arms over news that traditional UK dishes are under the threat of extinction. Apparently, disgusting dishes such as bath chaps (pigs’ cheeks covered in breadcrumbs), jugged hare (rabbit meat served in its own blood and mixed with port) and brawn (jellied pig’s head) are simply not appealing to those of us under 25. Just 1 per cent of those under 25 knew what those tasty sounding delights were compared to 40 per cent of the over 60s. Whilst munching on a rather delicious looking meal of cow’s bollocks, food channel head Paul Moreton said: “While pigs’ cheeks and squirrel casserole are clearly not to everyone’s tastes, they are a powerful link to a bygone culinary era.”

A British couple are celebrating the world’s longest marriage. The sprightly duo have been married for an impressive 83 and a half years, beating the previous American record holders John and Emelia Rocchio who only managed a pathetic 82 years and 167 days. Bill Jones is 105 while his wife Eluned is a mere 102 years old. The still in love as ever couple, from Slough, have an 83-year-old son, a grand daughter, two great-grandchildren and even a great-great grandson. Daughter-in-law Pat Jones said of the couple: “They’ve always enjoyed life.”

Melodramatic British police have said that they are worried that a water gun game beginning in London this week could create panic similar in scale to last year’s terrorist attack. More than 100 cockneys have signed up to the assassination role play game, StreetWars, where contestants have to hunt and soak their target in order to “kill” them. Despite the fact that the game has been played in New York, Vancouver, Vienna, San Francisco and LA with no problem, police back in Blighty fear that we’re all too stupid to recognize the fact that brightly coloured, plastic water pistols are not real weapons.

Geriatric dancer Michael Flatley’s ex-girlfriend Lisa Murphy has attempted to launch herself as a top model. Despite the fact that the whole time she was with the over-the-hill panty-dampener she tried her best to stay out of the limelight, she’s since decided that the best way to make her ex see arse is to strip down to a bikini and pose for the paparazzi. Not letting the fact that she’s slightly past it to start a flesh flashing career get in the way of her vengeance, the 33-year-old happily posed with a giant salmon as part of a promotion for next month’s music festival – the Angler’s Rest. Her headline chasing comes after Flatley announced that he is now seeing dancer Niamh O’Brien just weeks after their break-up and has started sickeningly dribbling on about how he wants kids. Murphy has so far remained tight-lipped about the reason behind their break-up.

Stinking hippy Bob Geldof has made it onto a list of children’s top ten heroes. The list, which has ironically been drawn up by a panel of adults who asked no children if they agreed, is supposed to be an antidote to C-list celebrities and reality TV stars that the kids really idolise. They chose whinging Sir Bob for all his Live 8 efforts. The list will be in CY magazine. Boring everyone, editor Kate Scarborough said: “It is for acts of bravery and courage, remarkable achievements and contributions to society that people should be celebrated, not for appearing on reality TV shows or dating someone famous.”

Money hungry Irish institutions are being offered wads of cash to create a chewing gum that does not stick. Up to €1 million is on offer for a company to create a gum that is biodegradable to stop those horrible white splats we see on the streets from lasting forever. Apparently the challenge is to lose the stickiness while keeping the flavour. The taskforce is also set to launch a money-wasting scheme in Dublin and Cork to teach the public how to get rid of gum properly.

Lazy taxi drivers who object to a new fare structure – that would mean a better deal for all us punters – plan to go on strike again this week. Despite the fact that they are already overpriced, the cash loving cabbies object to the new plans which include things like getting rid of surcharges for airport pick-ups. They already threw the country into chaos last week with a 24 hour strike and plan to take the high road and do it again now that the Taxi Regulator says the new fares will stand.

Demonstrating the level of uselessness that our prisons really provide, new figures released show that 325 convicted criminals are currently at large in Ireland. The prisoners, who should all be behind bars and include one serious offender, have all been living the good life on the outside for the past year.

Drawling Yankee hick Nicolas Cage has admitted that he’s so obsessed with the new Superman film that he can’t stop having dreams that he is flying. The redneck actor, who recently named his own son Kal-El (Superman’s Krypton birth name), said that he saw Superman Returns as soon as it was released and Brandon Routh’s performance has fuelled his unhealthy obsession with the tights wearing super hero. Whilst slowly opening his shirt to reveal an “S” in a triangle, sycophant Cage said: “I really like the movie. Each night I have dreams that I’m flying. I’m a real good floater in my sleep. But I wake up thinking the dream really did happen. My wife looks at me and sees I’m lifting up, wondering if I’m really going to leave the ground. It’s quite a wake-up call.”

Busty bimbo Pamela Anderson has become so addicted to poker that she’s launching her own website. The aptly titled PamelaPoker.com has been officially launched in Las Vegas and Pammie said she hopes to play fans on the website – obviously saying anything she was told to bring in the punters. Counting his share of the predicted profits, plastic Pammie’s gaming mentor Doyle Brunson said: “Pamela’s going to break a lot of hearts at the poker table. It will make her a force to be reckoned with.”

After The Hoff let down excited children by pulling out of playing Captain Hook in a Christmas Pantomime, leather-jacket wearing legend The Fonz has stepped up to take his place. The beer-loving Baywatch star had bottled out of playing the pirate at Wimbledon Theatre, but panto bosses are cracking out the champers now that Fonzie has signed up. Apparently “ayyyyy” shouting Henry Winkler is getting £100k to don the tights as Peter Pan’s arch-enemy

Hollywood starlet Scarlett Johansson snubbed The Sound Of Music after a series of “ridiculous” diva-like demands, it has been claimed. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber revealed the 21-year-old was to star as nun Maria in a new version. But he said: “Her people wanted minders backstage and that sort of thing.” Scarlett’s spokesman did not even try to deny that his client was a difficult princess but did yawn that the claims were “exaggerated”. The BBC is cashing in on it all, creating what promises to be a truly riveting slice of reality TV in which ten unknown wannabe stars will compete for the musical role.

A broke former girlfriend of wooden actor Keanu Reeves has decided to auction off a bed which the A-lister slept in to get some cash. In a bid to raise money for her daughter’s school fees, the cash-strapped seller is advertising it on ebay. She has admitted that the bed is only worth about £215 but she hopes to get at least a grand because of its association with the Speed star. Whilst waiting on hold to speak to a journo about her latest kiss-and-tell scandal she coyly said: “I don’t want to upset anyone but I have a very small house and the bed has to go, and I thought it would be a good idea to get my daughter’s college fund started.”

Top-heavy chav, and pride of Warrington, Kerry Katona is reportedly up the duff by her new fiancé. Already a mother of two, the 25-year-old is overjoyed at the prospect of having a baby with her middle-aged cabbie lover. A close friend who clearly wanted to get some quick cash from the tabloids revealed: “Kerry and Mark are very excited. They took a lot of stick after deciding to get married so quickly and know some people will raise an eyebrow at this pregnancy. “But the fact is they are very much together and this time next year they will be married with a baby.”

Hoards of sad Beyonce fans have been protesting against the booty shaking singer’s latest video saying that it’s not up to her usual standards. The fans, who clearly have too much time in their no doubt government funded lives of idleness, are demanding that she re-shoot the video. Clearly under the impression that their opinions actually count for something, fans said in a petition to her record company: “The [Déjà Vu] video is an underwhelming representation of the talent and quality of previous music video projects of Ms Knowles. The editing causes one to get dizzy and disorientated. The dancing is erratic, confusing and alarming. Her outfits are unbelievable and ridiculous.”

Panty dampening actor Heath Ledger has managed to land the role of The Joker in the new Batman film. Arguably one of the most successful exports to come out of Australia since XXXX lager, Ledger has agreed to don the make-up and purple suit made famous by Jack Nicholson for the eagerly awaited sequel to Batman Begins. Squealing with delight at being asked a question by a real journalist, an insider said: “The producers wanted to do something different with the character and Heath was the one they felt could give them that. “They were very impressed with his enthusiasm and ideas for the role. It’s now just the formality of officially confirming he has the part.”

Geordie TV presenter Ant McPartlin has finally made an honest woman out of his long-term girlfriend Lisa Armstrong. Unsurprisingly pint-sized Declan Donnelly was Ant’s best man as he wed his 29-year-old bride in a Buckinghamshire church. TV presenter, and the undisputed star of Joseph and the Technicolour DreamCoat in 1992, Phillip Schofield was one of 150 guests there. A large group of fans waited outside the church so that they could get a good look at the newlyweds. Reports that they serenaded the happy couple with the Ant and Dec hit Let’s Get Ready to Rumble are yet to be confirmed.

Skunk-haired model Caprice has admitted to drink-driving but said it wasn’t her fault, honest officer. The big-chested 34-year-old blamed the antibiotics she was popping for a bladder problem for taking her over the limit. Caprice whimpered to the court that she was too embarrassed to tell police of her condition when she was arrested last December: “I knew if I told them the whole of England would know.” Perhaps forgetting that she was trying to con the court with her cystitis sob story, Caprice seriously stuffed up when she admitted that she had drunk a bottle and a half of red wine at lunch and then had more wine at an evening drinks party before getting into her car.

Peter Andre is busy taking care of his wife Jordan at home after she suffered a miscarriage last week. The glamour model’s manager, Claire Powell, told reporters: “They just want to deal with it on their own and they are both devastated. We are trying to give them all the love and support they need.” The couple hadn’t announced the pregnancy but it’s believed that Jordan, real name Katie Price, was up to three-and-a-half-months pregnant. “It is not something they want me to go into at all. They want it to be kept a very private matter,” said Powell. “I know they do a lot in the press, but there are a lot of things people do not know as well.”

Ageing Sex and the City siren Kim Cattrall has had her latest car advert banned in New Zealand for being “pure and utter filth”. The Nissan ad saw Kim telling a car salesman: “Why didn’t you tell me it was so big, I just wasn’t prepared for it? The all-new Nissan Tiida makes you feel really, really, really good inside.” However, the prudish Kiwis have been bombarding Advertising Standards with complaints since it aired and Nissan have decided not to use it again. Whilst drawing up a storyboard for the next advert, featuring a couple going at it in the back of a car, a spokesperson said: “We made this decision in the interest of self-regulation and in response to public feedback.”

Ginger moron Axl Rose nearly sparked a riot at a concert in Newcastle by refusing to go on stage until he had eaten a roast lamb dinner with all the trimmings. The 44-year-old Guns n’ Roses singer kept fans waiting for more than an hour in sweltering heat while he sat backstage petulantly waiting for his dinner. Despite thousands of fans jeering and throwing objects at the stage, Axl refused to perform without roast lamb and mint sauce in his belly. Former fan Saskia Green, 25, said: “It was really hot and the crowd was booing because he was taking forever. A security guard said the delay was caused by Axl demanding a lamb dinner before he went on - very rock’n’roll.” Colin Revel, manager of the Metro Arena, confirmed that Axl refused to play until he had been fed, sighing: “Only a roast dinner would do.”

Troubled smackhead Pete Doherty is reportedly trying rehab for the fifth time this year. It was only last month that the 27-year-old headed out to a clinic in Portugal where he had opiate-suppressing implants fitted. Pete then claimed his chances of staying clean were destroyed when Portuguese customs officers ruined his stash of opiate-suppressing supplies, thinking they were drugs. The Babyshambles singer has now cancelled a gig in Ibiza and told reporters that he’ll be attempting to get clean in a clinic instead where he’ll have new implants fitted. And this time he’s “really determined”. Not like last time at all when he was just determined.

Not content with shagging his way through Scandinavia while on tour there, serial slag Robbie Williams is now banging two models, American Jessica and Slovakian Michaela. Bizarrely the women have no idea they are being two-timed but it’s looking like blobby Robbie will get found out any day now. A tour insider said: “The road crew are worried the pair will bump into each other in Italy if Robbie doesn’t get his timings exactly right. “In Amsterdam and Copenhagen, he was with Michaela and in Germany and Budapest he was with Jessica. So far he’s got away with it. But he’s pushing his luck having them in the same city, same day. “If they find out about each other it will be like a cat fight with no holds barred.”

Jack White has dismissed rumours that the White Stripes are finished now that his new band the Raconteurs has taken off. The pale musician says that he will continue making sweet music with both bands. “I’ve heard assumptions that I’m bored with the White Stripes or that it’s not fulfilling me which is very much not true,” he growled. But he did say that he finds the Raconteurs experience to be a more positive one: “I’m a different person from what I was two years ago, which is about keeping out of negative environments, getting into positive environments. “This band is a positive environment. It’s about positive musicians not negative musicians. Not negative hipsters who are demons who prowl the Earth and used-record stores.”

The music world was truly rocked a couple weeks ago by Chris Karloff’s shock departure from drug aficionados Kasabian. Now lead singer Tom Meighan, undoubtedly loosened up by a joint, has opened up his heart to the media about the break-up. Nothing to do with the upcoming release of their second album at all. “I am gutted. It’s sad after you’ve been with someone all those years and he’s a great person and friend and it’s just one of those things,” explained Tom. Pissed off by speculation that Chris was unceremoniously booted out the band by bullying bandmates, Tom said: “We want the fans to get behind our band instead of the few who f**king whinge all the time. We’re still a gang of mates. It’s us against the world.”

Smackheads Babyshambles and The Futureheads are among the line-up for Edinburgh’s biggest-ever indoor live event. The maturely named inaugural Let’s Rock! Edinburgh on September 30 will see up to 22,000 fans fill a sweaty mosh pit at the Royal Highland Centre at Ingliston. In total, 33 acts will play over three stages from midday until the small hours of the morning when sweaty teenagers puke up their kebabs outside bus stops. Feeder will headline and other bands will include Idlewild, The Rakes, Mystery Jets, The Long Blondes, The Datsuns and Ed Harcourt.

In news that is sure to disturb music fans worldwide, tragic ginger Geri Halliwell has decided to make a comeback. Rather than spending time with her newborn daughter who she claimed changed her whole outlook on life, the 33-year-old flop-star instead left the sprog with the nanny and was seen on her way to a meeting with potential new agents at Portland House in Central London. Apparently the sad, sad woman was clutching a scrap of paper marked “Strategy – Game Plan” which included a list of targets. Regardless of the fact that her cameo in Sex and the City demonstrated to the world that her acting was even worse than her singing she has set her sights on films, TV shows and the USA.

Panty-dampening lothario David Hasselhoff has announced plans to star in a musical based on his life. The show, ingeniously titled David Hasselhoff: The Musical, will open here in Oz before moving around the globe. Produced by the moral-lacking producers of London’s Chicago, the musical will be inspired by The Hoff’s life. While attempting to hold a straight face Hoff said: “I am doing a heart-rendering set on my life and the mistakes I have made. It sounds like a bad joke, but it is really going to be a good show… totally campy.”

Lesser known Destiny’s Child singer Kelly Rowland has confirmed that she is expecting her first baby. The short-of-publicity star made the announcement but has kept tight-lipped on who the father is. She has not been linked to anyone of note since her split from American footballer Roy Williams last year – months before they were due to marry. However, the pregnancy has well and truly saddened crappy pop lovers because it means that she will not be releasing her new solo album until a later date. Clearly having got her priorities in order she said: “It’s kind of a bitter-sweet feeling because I was planning to release an album next year.”

Super scally Mike Skinner of The Streets is set to knock Michael Jackson out of the record books by creating a mammoth long 20-minute music video. Skinner has teamed up with MTV to make the promo vid for MTV’s 25th birthday, which will easily beat the current record of longest video – Wacko Jacko’s 13 minute Thriller. The video will feature footage shot by five different MTV losers, er… viewers, and is set to be aired on Tuesday. It contains clips showing a guy on the trail of the Strathclyde Police, a girl spoofing cheerleading and a man searching for Bigfoot. Sucking up to potential fans and therefore buyers of his record, Skinner gushed: “I have been blown away by the creativity and imaginations of the young people involved and we have watched hours of videos in order to find the most interesting and intriguing content for this epic work.”

Newly reformed silly hat wearing East 17 have set tongues wagging that their reunion could be short lived after Tony Mortimer punched frontman Brian Harvey during a business meeting. Apparently tragic Tony, who pens all the crap songs for the band, was pissed off with Brian for turning up hours late for the “important” discussion. Amused at the sight of two has-been middle-aged men attempting to act hard, an eyewitness said: “Something inside Tony just snapped and he flew at Brian, punching him in the face over and over again. “He had to be pulled off Brian by the other lads in the band. Then he spent the next half an hour swearing at Brian.”

Blobby Williams has made a dig a Madonna without the ageing pop grandma even realising it. The flabby singer and Madge’s poncey husband Guy Ritchie both dated TV presenter Tania Strecker in the past. But apparently Tania told Robbie that when Guy ditched her he said: “Look, you know I really love you, but she’s Madonna.” Deciding to take an easy dig where he could, the McDonald’s loving star has released a song on his new album called She’s Madonna which references the event. Unfortunately, leotard sporting Madge is so slow these days that she didn’t get the insult and even gave the song the thumbs up when he played it to her.

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Here we go…another Friday and I am woken up at 5:30am by the water truck, seems like this is just going to be the way it is every Friday for the rest of my contract.

I got up, went into the living room, which is still at the front of the house, watched Scrubs, went back to sleep and basically was up and down like a Yo Yo until Mairz dropped in asking if I wanted to do something as she was bored.

I had made arrangements to stop by Nan ’s house to back up her ipod, so Mairz came along. After the drama of the unhappy ipod which never smiles we all went out for a drive along the Corniche to take some photos.

I have been talking about taking photos since being here and have never got round to it. We had fun.

see more picture here

After dropping off Nan I got ready and I drove Shay & Kim down to Alex & Russ’, we had all been invited to their Villa for drinks.

Was great seeing them, especially Paige. The conversation went from blogs to torrents and back to blogs again. I think we have a war on our hands!

Today we moved into the AV…of course it’s all very exciting, see pictures below….

see more pictures here

Bumbling world leader George Bush and our own blundering Tony Blair have been overheard talking shit about the Lebanon crisis after failing to realise that their microphone was on. The dumb-ass world leaders were having a private conversation about world issues, during which Bush eloquently said that Syria should tell Hizbollah to “stop doing this shit” to resolve the Lebanon crisis and both men mocked Syria’s leader Bashar Assad calling him a “honey” and “sweet”, when Blair suddenly spotted the “on” light on the mic. After the whole world had heard Bush thanking Blair for the sweater he sent him for his 60th birthday by gushing: “I know you picked it out yourself” at the G8 summit, Blair covered the mic and red-faced asked: “Is this…this isn’t live, is it?”

As a nation we’re known for our ability to stand in queues for hours and now it’s official – on average Britons spend four days out of every year waiting in queues. A recent survey by KLM Royal Dutch Airlines unsurprisingly found that the most hated queues are those in front of airport check-in counters. Half of those surveyed admit to getting in an argument while waiting at an airport. But a more pro-active 18 per cent said they used their time in the queue to chat someone up and an impressive 60 per cent made new friends while waiting in line. A stupid 23 per cent have lined up in front of the wrong check-in desk. KLM’s UK and Ireland general manager Vincent Knoops sniggered: “It is clear from this research that queuing is a big anxiety for Brits.”

In a move that shows the extremes that reality TV is now going to, the BBC have proposed a series where celebrities “adopt” children. Sensing a need to compete with all the other reality shite on Channel 4 and ITV, BBC1 big wigs want a gay man, a single mum and a black or Asian star to feature in Family Wanted, a show that would see the headline chasers be assessed for adoption and possibly get to attempt living with the parentless tots in a kind of “test drive.” It is hoped that a great finale to the series would be – presumably if they could offer the celebs enough money – for one of the celebs to actually adopt a kid. Angry John Beyer, of TV watchdog Media watch, shouted: “It’s a sensitive area to make into entertainment. To bring in stars to jazz it up is wrong.”

Thanks to hundreds of cheap plastic surgeons setting up businesses around the UK at the speed of Starbucks’ franchises, new figures show that boob jobs are now the most popular form of cosmetic surgery in the UK. More than 26,000 Pamela Anderson wannabes went under the knife last year – up 150 per cent on figures for 2003 – and it’s predicted that by 2007 us big breast loving Brits will spend £659 million a year on cosmetic surgery. Sounding somewhat downhearted, consultant plastic surgeon Rajiv Grover said: “A few years ago, patients liked the idea of a big, busty look but now they’re far more concerned with looking natural.”

After 27 years of fixing radiators and boilers, heating engineer Simon Willmott decided it was time for a career change. The 52-year-old now spends his days sculpting life-size bronze and stone sculptures of naked women, which are meant to be used as garden ornaments. Mr Willmott described the £2,000 sculptures as ideal focal points for gardens and said they had attracted interest from around the world. He told the BBC: “It’s quite a career change but I knew the writing was on the wall for the engineering business, with the rise in the cost of oil and I knew that eventually I would do something else. “I has always been interested in sculpting for years, and had been doing it since I can remember.”

Co-Op workers who set up a lottery syndicate were shocked to discover that each of their 28 lines of numbers was a winner. The lucky group won a share of the £4.3m jackpot plus12 payouts for matching five numbers and 15 for matching four. The syndicate’s total winnings only came to £625,480 because so many other tickets won that Saturday. Anne Gabbitas, 55, told The Sun: “We’re all completely stunned. When we set up the syndicate someone said we should use similar numbers in various combinations because we would then have more chance of winning.” All 28 winners will keep working at the shop in Blyth, Northumberland except for the oldest one who has already retired.

Bumbling British astronaut Piers Sellers has caused havoc by dropping a spatula into space. The £1,100 spatula drifted out of Sellers’ tool kit as he did repairs to the Discovery space shuttle and is now being watched by military radars at 20 sites worldwide as it hurtles at 25 times the speed of sound towards Earth. But Nasa dismissed fears the tool could damage the shuttle or the international space station saying: “We have no concerns.” Mission controllers teased the clumsy Sellers by making him count his other five spatulas before he was allowed back into the spacecraft.

Two greasy-faced McDonald’s workers have just won £1.3 million in the National Lottery but say that they want to keep working there. Super scallies Luke Pittard and girlfriend Emma Cox, who live with their daughter at Emma’s parents’ house in Cardiff, celebrated their big win with a Big Mac. However, the money has obviously not gone to their heads as they have vowed to stay loyal and keep working for the fast food giant. Clearly made braindead through years of dealing with stupid chavs on a day-to-day basis Luke said: “Like the slogan says, ‘We’re Loving It’.”

Proving that we Brits always overreact when we get the slightest bit of sunshine is the news that water pistols sales have rocketed 850 per cent this year. According to Amazon.co.uk, the heatwave seems to have spurred us all to buy mountains of the cheap plastic water guns to hose each other down with in the climate change induced heatwave. Rubbing his sticky palms together, Amazon’s toy buyer Paul Sanders said: “Demand this year has really skyrocketed. We’re seeing a modern twist on old pastimes, and it seems that a whole new generation of kids and adults will be staying out for the summer with their water weapons in tow.”

Suffolk police have published a safety campaign magazine warning women about the dangers of drinking too much. “We need to raise their awareness of potential problems,” said Chief Superintendent David McDonnell. “Women become more vulnerable whilst under the influence of alcohol.” The magazine advises booze-loving girls that the most important thing to remember on a night out is underwear: “If you’ve got it, don’t flaunt it. If you fall over or pass out, remember your skirt or dress may ride up. “For all our sakes, please make sure you’re wearing nice pants and that you’ve recently had a wax.”

There’s been yet another cock-up at the new Wembley Stadium. This time hundreds of urinals had to be sent back all because the maker’s name was on them. Manufacturer Armitage Shanks had supplied the urinals with its name on the front of them but this breaches the stadium’s strict non-advertising rules. The blunder was only discovered as the 2,618 toilets were being fitted. One pissed off worker told The Mirror: “Just when things seemed to be running smoothly, we were told the urinals were the wrong kind and had to go back. “When the bosses told us it was because there was advertising on them, we thought they were joking.” A Wembley spokesman said: “There is no blame to be apportioned. It was an error in the process and did not result in any extra costs.”

A Scouser with far too much time on his hands has announced that he plans to visit every place named Liverpool for the city’s 800th anniversary. Friendless Phil Bimpson plans to travel 30,000 miles to seven towns and cities including the Liverpool here in Australia. Realising that he hasn’t actually achieved anything of note in his whole 50 year life he said: “I want to be the first Scouser to have been to every Liverpool in the world.”

Ever-so slightly annoying do-gooder Bob Geldof has accused the New Zealand Government of being stingy in giving money to Africa. Geldof – who always looks like he’s in dire need of a shower and a good meal – says that the country’s contribution so far is “pathetic” and “a disgrace”. Speaking at a business leadership conference, Sir Bob said that the 0.27 per cent of gross national income that the Kiwis give to foreign countries in need was tight-fisted. “The New Zealand Government, frankly, must up their game,” he said. “The pathetic 0.27 per cent that this Government gives to the poorest people on the planet…is a disgrace.” New Zealand is apparently the third lowest aid donor among the donating countries only ahead of the US and Japan.

Angry travellers were livid when they were told by officials at Dublin Airport that they would have to wait for up to 90 minutes to be let back into their own country. New immigration checks have been set up in the immigration area at the airport now that the building has been enlarged, but only two of the four booths for domestic and EU citizens were being manned. Fancying a bit of a rant, Fine Gael Transport spokeswoman Olivia Mitchell screamed: “Hundreds of people were forced to queue for immigration in intolerable and overheated conditions for over an hour and a half.”

Supermodel and stout giant heiress Jasmine Guinness has married her long term boyfriend in the Kildare village where she grew up. Although we usually only see the Guinness heiress swanning about in London, she apparently is still keen to be seen as an Irish girl at heart and so held the ceremony at the family castle in Leiclip in Co Kildare. As is fast becoming the norm for most celebs, Hello! magazine had bought the rights to the photos – meaning that hoards of paparazzos were huddled up at every passing car window to get an unofficial snap. The wedding was due to happen two years ago but then Jasmine fell preggers and wanted to wait until she had slimmed down and could get pissed before tying the knot.

Two Dublin would-be boat thieves have been caught by Welsh police after stealing a trawler to try and sail home on. The 18 and 20-year-old men apparently stole the boat in Holyhead because they were pissed off to discover that they had missed the last ferry to Dublin. Somehow they managed to get a 30ft trawler 10 miles out to sea but then got lost, panicked and called the Irish Coastguard – stupidly believing that they would then get a tow home. However, the Welsh police overheard and arrested the idiotic twosome for criminal damage.

A-Team god Mr T has ditched his signature gold chains because of Hurricane Katrina. The actor, known only for his “I pity the fool” role, decided to get rid of his trademark chunky jewellery once he saw the destruction left by the disaster. Speaking at a Television Critics Association meeting he said: “As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate.” Burly Mr T, whose real name is a more wimpy sounding Lawrence Tero, also slammed celebrities who had used the hurricane to promote their careers. Whilst rounding up Face and the gang he ranted: “If you’re not going down there with a check and a hammer and a nail to help, don’t go down there.”

Pirates of the Caribbean star Orlando Bloom is keeping his options open just in case the acting lark doesn’t work out for him. “I’d be a photographer, or maybe a sculptor,” said Orlando. “I’d photograph wildlife or be a documentary photographer. “I would have liked to have gone to war zones and stuff. I think it’s really brave and courageous but also a really hard thing to do because you see those photos of somebody dying on the street and you think why is that person taking a photo and not jumping in there. But those photos move the imagination.”

Despite the fact that they claimed “Till Death Do Us Part” on their reality TV show, odd couple Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro have split up. Rumours had been circulating that divorce was on the cards for a while but both insisted that they were very happy. Just three years after saying “I do” on camera for MTV’s ‘Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave the pair are “amicably separating,” no doubt finding it hard to cope without the camera following them around and doing the talking for them.

Regardless of the bad press that the latest Bond film Casino Royale has been generating, producers have decided to start working on the sequel. Even though the ill-fated Bond flick isn’t set to bomb in cinemas until November, work has reportedly started on the sequel. The catchily titled Bond 22 will star the disaster ridden Daniel Craig and 007 producers are trying to get Notting Hill director Roger Michell to helm the project.

Far-too-cocky chef Gordon Ramsay has finally got what was coming to him with one of his latest trainees flicking hot stock in his eye. The tourettes suffering celebrity cook had a team of doctors in his kitchen for Channel 4’s The F-Word when one of them – no doubt sick of his relentless bitching – “accidentally” splattered the hot liquid in his eye. Emergency specialist Lucy Bingham watched in feigned horror as Ramsay finally shut up and started flinching in agony. After making him get down on both knees to beg for her help the medic rushed to attend to his injury. Demonstrating unconvincing concern she said: “I thought It’s Gordon Ramsay, ace chef, and I’ve blinded him.”

Hollywood superstar Johnny Depp just can’t understand why he’s still being offered acting jobs. The 43-year-old, currently starring as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates Of The Caribbean, is convinced that his days as an actor are numbered because he’s getting old and there are so many younger actors out there. The humble Johnny said: “I honestly believe it’s a miracle that I get jobs. I always wonder when I’m going to be sent packing.” The father of two has a back-up plan, or two, in mind should his career suddenly dry up. “I might end up playing guitar in some bar - or pumping gas.”

Stripper-loving Prince Harry has struck the headlines again, this time for taking a piss in a horsebox whilst at a polo match. The lazy prince decided to relieve himself in the poor horse’s trailer, shunning the public lavatories that were a short walk away. He wasn’t even shy about showing off the odd ginger pube as he was still doing up his pants when he emerged from the box, much to the shock of three women passing by. An onlooker at the Guards Polo Club in Windsor Great Park – desperate to get his name in the papers – said: “They knew exactly what he had been up to and burst out laughing.”

Washed-up ex-Busted guitarist Matt Willis has spent the weekend in rehab after hitting the bottle to cope with his flailing solo career. Beer Matt checked himself into The Priory to get help with the fact that he is a loser and needs to drink alcohol to cope with it. Since leaving the doomed boy band Matt has been disappointed with the lack of chart success that his solo career has generated. A hanger on hoping to get a free pint said: “When Matt gets stressed about his career he deals with it by hitting the bottle. “He checked himself in on Thursday because he realised he needed help and wanted to tackle his problems before they got out of hand.”

Despite the actors initially saying it would never happen, it’s now looking like the cast of Friends will be reuniting for a one-off special. Nothing at all to do with the reported £2million they will each rake in. Courteney Cox, 42, who played neurotic Monica Geller, recently got Friends’ fans hopes up when she said: “I can see us coming back together to do a Thanksgiving show. The story is continuing even if we’re not watching. I think they see each other every Thanksgiving.” And last week Jennifer Aniston, 37, seemed to confirm the rumours to Richard and Judy when she was on their show: “I do miss it. The only thing I can think of doing is maybe a Thanksgiving episode. Our Thanksgiving episodes were really fun.”

Tragic Johnny Depp stalkers are pissing off the French mayor with calls trying to find out where the actor lives. Reports are circulating that Depp and his partner have set up home in the up-market Paris suburb of Meudon and fans are eager to track the star down. Angry Herve Marseille is refusing to confirm or deny whether the celebrity couple are new residents. He said: “New residents usually don’t advise me when they move here.” One of the swish houses in the area – sick of the paparazzi encamped outside – has even posted a sign, in French, saying: “For Johnny Depp, check further up the street.” That’s probably his actual house.

Not content with filling the charts with crappy hip hop wannabe songs, Nelly Furtado has attempted to grab some much needed media attention by claiming that she fancies women and believes we’re all bisexual. The revelation came when she was being interviewed by gay mag GUS. Clearly realising that she needs to do whatever it takes to gain fans from all walks of life, when asked if she fancied women she gushed: “Absolutely! Women are beautiful and sexy!” Attempting to land an interview with Grunge Weekly and some more gay mags she added: “I believe what Kurt Cobain said that in the end, everyone is gay. Everybody should have the freedom to experiment. Sexual experimentation is part of human history.”

Skanky Girls Aloud warbler Cheryl Tweedy has got hitched to footballer Ashley Cole a mere 24 hours after her rowdy hen night at a London club. The classy Geordie drank herself into a complete stupor, knocking back pink champagne all night before being carried out vomit-stained by her equally legless band mates. Luckily for gossip magazines, the £500,000 wedding went ahead despite Cheryl’s mammoth hangover. The 23-year-old bride wore a £110,000 Robert Cavalli dress while Ashley, 25, wore a shiny silver suit. Their pet chihuahua Buster even had a special wedding outfit made out of leather and rhinestones. Not wanting to be outdone by other classy celebrity unions, the newlyweds enjoyed their £3000 wedding cake while sitting on massive thrones.

Anyone who’s ever accused trailer-trash king Kevin Federline of mooching off wife Britney Spears should be ashamed of themselves. Britney’s hubby is actually working his arse off to bring home the bacon for his ever-growing family. And no, we’re not talking about his amazing music career. Clearly not quite as stupid as he looks, Kev has figured out that he can get paid for downing shots and groping strippers. Federline charges US$20,000 for each party he graces with his presence and has reportedly earned an impressive $700,000 in the last four months alone.

Skinny little minx Anna Kournikova has hit back at rumours that she’s suffering from an eating disorder. A back injury in 2003 tragically stopped the 25-year-old’s career as a professional tennis player. Not that she ever achieved much apart from showing a lot of flesh on the court. Now she just shows a lot of flesh at parties instead as cheesy singer Enrique Iglesias’ arm candy. “I’m naturally long, lean, and lanky. When I was playing tennis on the professional circuit, my body completely changed,” the Russian star told Elle magazine, while discreetly puking up her lunch.

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I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere i go you go ,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart…

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

By E.E. Cummings

Sometimes it’s a chore to get the simplest thing done. For example, my bank (Commercial Bank) is shit and the service is dreadful. Last week I closed my account with them…here is what happened.

• Me: *walks to counter*
• Bank Teller: Yes
• Me: I have closed my account, I need to take my money out
• Bank Teller: You need a withdrawal slip
• Me: OK, can I please have a withdrawal slip
• Bank Teller: They are by the front door!
• Me: You don’t have any behind your desk?
• Bank Teller: No…you need to get one by the front door
• Me: (LOUD) This is why I am leaving this bank…your customer service skills are shite!
• Bank Teller: *smiles*

Anyway, to cut a long story short…everything that you do here is like this! I heard from a friend that the word ‘Logic’ is not used here.

Today though for the first day since being here I was happy…here is why…

I went to the internet cafe in the afternoon and the guy knew my four digit account number off the top of his head (I haven’t been there all that much, so I was very surprised about this).

I then went to the DVD rental shop and the man had my card out before I had even chosen my DVD’s and told me that he was still trying to get a DVD which I asked him to get in his shop a couple of weeks ago (again, he remembered and it felt really good).

Later, I went to a restaurant (Turkey Central…me and Kim now love this place) to order a BBQ Chicken Tawook Sandwich for the both of us. The guy behind the counter was talking to me for about 10 minutes telling me what he put into the sandwich (which incidentally is amazing) and honest to god, he was making me try things and it was great. I went back to the cashier to try and pay for the things he made for me and they wouldn’t take the money. They were so nice and experiences like this certainly make me want to go back.

I also really noticed today that in the city the Asian Games is everywhere…on flags, billboard…you name it, there are logos everywhere.

Today really reminded me of ship life.

Khalifa (a Qatari gentleman who works with us) invited a few of us to go out on his boat this evening, so Jesse, Kim & I went to the QDB to get stocked up.

Kim & I went along to the Doha Golf Club to have our lesson, unfortunately it was cancelled, so we just hit some balls.

When we were done we headed straight down to the Four Seasons Marina to join the others on Khalifa’s boat.

I had a lot of fun…we all ended up in the pool at the Four Seasons and then headed home. Another good night.