An angry teacher trapped her unruly pupils in the classroom and threatened to kill them when they wouldn’t shut up. The trainee languages teacher was on the last day of her placement at Tarleton High, in Lancashire, when she barricaded the school kids in the classroom by piling furniture against the door. She then told them: “I have got something in my bag. I’m going to kill you all.” The 13 and 14 year old teens soon burst into tears as other members of staff clambered into the room to see what was going on. She had nothing in her bag and everyone was fine. Playing the incident down, the red-faced headteacher said: “The incident was unsettling but dealt with swiftly and appropriately. “No children were harmed and we are confident that, while the incident would have been upsetting, their safety was not at risk.”
A brainless burglar has been jailed for 21 months after being caught red handed ordering a taxi as his getaway car. Fumbling Christopher Morgan smashed a window to break into a house while the owners were out and then used their phone to call for a cab at 5am. The, thankfully intelligent, cabbie spotted the broken window and called the police. Holding a hand over his mouth to hide his laughter, prosecutor Tony Trigg said: “Morgan tried to bluff by pretending to be the home owner. But the police found all the items he intended to steal stacked up by the front door.”
Toys shaped like a large turd and stream of piss are the latest fad in the UK. Characters Pee and Poo – a smiling yellow droplet and a giggling brown dollop – are the brainchild of a British uni student and are hot property back in Blighty. Emma Meggitt, 32, designed the toilet themed cuddlies for an exam but has already taken the US and Scandinavia by storm with the weird playthings. Whilst counting the cash from her latest advance order Emma said: “They go together so well, they are inseparable, appeal to boys and girls equally and they cross all international borders.” Worryingly, also available within the Pee and Poo merchandise range are clothes, baby pants and, perhaps most disturbingly, fake tattoos.
Hundreds of British school kids have missed out on seeing a World Cup game in Germany because the tickets their schools had bought turned out to be fake. Around 380 unlucky young football fans fell victims to the ticket scam and were refused entry to a match between Portugal and Iran. Thirty boys from Portchester Boys School in Dorset were left crying outside the gates, forcing their headteacher Christopher Bradley to sheepishly admit that the tickets were bought from “a doubtful source.” Fifa spokesperson Andreas Herren said the shitty situation was “absolutely regrettable for the young kids, because they have been deprived of a great opportunity to watch World Cup action.”
A bitter AIDS sufferer has been jailed for 32 months for purposely infecting a string of lovers. Sarah Jane Porter, 43, was made HIV positive by a black lover at least six years ago and made it her vengeful mission to pass it to other Afro-Caribbean men. She even continued to sleep around whilst awaiting trial. The twisted slapper is thought to have slept with dozens of men since knowing she had contracted the virus. During the investigation, which lasted a year, police contacted 2,000 people to ask about her sexual history. Defence lawyer Wayne Cleaver claimed that she had been “totally unable” to accept that she was HIV positive and because she couldn’t admit it to herself she didn’t to others.
A new report claims that prisoners need carpets and soft furnishings to make their whole experience less stressful. Clearly forgetting the fact that people are sent to prison as a punishment and not for an extended holiday, The Howard League for Penal Reform are calling for “first night centres” that are better furnished than normal cells to ease the criminals into a life inside. The report claims that this would reduce suicide numbers.
A benefit scrounging family are set to cost taxpayers even more money after setting fire to their house. Jobless dolites Carl and Samantha Gillespie had to gather their 12-strong clan of layabouts and get out sharpish when one of their two-year-old twins set the house alight. The blaze apparently erupted when the tots were playing with a lighter – demonstrating the outstanding level of parenting the Gillespie’s provide. The family were dubbed Britain’s biggest scroungers last year when it was revealed that they get more than £43,000 a year in benefits.
A dog hating mugger threw a tiny Yorkshire terrier 25ft into the air and broke its bones after its 60-year-old owner said she had no money. The tail wagging canine ran up to the hoodie-clad scally in a city park, in Liverpool, hoping for a stroke on the back, but instead the yob grabbed the pooch and shouted: “Give us your purse if you want your dog back.” When owner Sheila Wilson said she had none the chav hurled the dog into the air and ran off. “She crashed with a terrible squeal and was left lying on the grass with blood all over her,” sobbed Sheila. Incredibly, the dog survived.
It’s not only Tony Blair who’s trying to get us all to walk around with ID cards – now Blue Peter are at it too. Children’s TV chiefs have announced that from now on Blue Peter badge winners will get ID cards in addition to their badges in order to stop fraud. The news comes after the famous badges were being traded on eBay because they grant free admission to 200 UK attractions.
Retarded police officers are costing the Metropolitan Police thousands because they keep filling their patrol cars up with the wrong fuel. Absentminded officers in London filled their vehicles with the wrong fuel over 150 times last year. The embarrassing revelation came when the latest figures on driving safety were compiled for the Metropolitan Police Authority. A spokesman for the AA matter-of-factly stated: “It can cost thousands to fix. Particularly these days with very sensitive technology in diesel cars you can be talking about real damage to the engine. Cars can even be written off.”
Poncey supermarket chain Waitrose has decided to start selling “ugly fruit” in response to recent reports about the amounts of food wasted in the UK. A study carried out last year revealed that spoiled Britons throw away 30 to 40 per cent of all the food they buy and produce, and this wastage is worth at least £16bn a year. Normally any fruit with imperfections, be it an oddly shaped pear or a banana with not enough bend, is thrown away by supermarkets who fear that customers cannot handle such ugliness. “Supermarkets are often criticised for rejecting fruit and vegetables because they don’t look picture perfect,” explained Waitrose fruit buyer Tom Richardson.
A clumsy man who smashed three 17th century vases in a museum has escaped without criminal charges. 42-year-old Nick Flynn claimed that he tripped on his shoelaces when he fell down the stairs in the Fitzwilliam Museum, in Cambridge, and broke the Qing dynasty porcelain vases displayed on a windowsill. The vases were part of a set valued at £300,000. After re-hanging the priceless Van Gogh painting he had just knocked off the wall he said: “I can say with my hand on my heart it was not deliberate.”
In a bid to stop children racing around on motorcycles like Evel Knievel, the Road Safety Authority have announced that they want to raise the minimum age of motorcyclists from 16 to 18. They also want to put a cap on the engine power allowed for young riders. Transport Minister Martin Cullen has called for compulsory basic training and said that guidelines will be issued soon. There are over 30,000 licensed motorbikes in Ireland and although insurance and helmets are compulsory, basic training is not. Road Safety Authority chairman and biker Gay Byrne said: “It’s a disgrace that any young fellow can just go into a bike shop and get a motorbike at 16.”
Limerick Gardai are investigating an incident which saw a replica grenade being thrown through a window of a shocked OAP’s apartment. Bomb disposal experts were called to the flat in the Cornmarket Row area of the city as the replica looked identical to the real thing. Luckily it was only a training device so contained no real explosives. Gardai say that the incident may be linked to the seizure of a high-powered pistol at Prospect Hill last week.
A screwed up gunman has left two five-year-old schoolgirls traumatised after he hijacked a car in north Belfast. The man climbed into the car while the kids’ father was in a shop and made the petrified dad drive to his wife’s work, where he ordered her to take out a large sum of cash from the post office. The whole time she was in there the gun-wielding wimp stayed in the back of the car with the children. Once he had the money he did one on foot leaving the family in shock.
Bald guitar hero The Edge has honoured the late blues strummer Rory Gallagher with a bronze sculpture in the Temple Bar in Dublin. The Edge, or Dave Evans as he is known to family and friends, unveiled a to-scale bronze sculpture of Rory’s famous Fender Stratocaster. It is perched up high under the Rory Gallagher Corner sign so that no drunken idiots can get their mitts on it. Also at the unveiling was Rory’s brother Donal Gallagher, Dermot McLaughlin and Dublin Lord Mayor Catherine Byrne. Rory died in 1995 of liver failure at the age of 47, but is renowned for bringing the electric guitar to prominence in Ireland and inspiring the likes of U2.
Former Boyzone and Corrie star Keith Duffy has been keeping busy raising money for autistic children. He and Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern got together with Irish Autism Action to watch the end of an all-Ireland cycle event, which saw 10 cyclists ride their bikes through 32 counties from Carlow to Drumcondra. Helping out with the Autism Life Cycle is the latest fundraising that Keith has done for autism causes.
Blobby Williams has shown the world his scally roots once again by opting for a Big Mac over the finest food in France. Despite the fact that he was staying in the £3,000-a-night, five star, George V hotel – where the services of Michelin-starred chef Phillippe Legendre were at his disposal – the flabby singer decided to gorge himself on the finest McDonald’s fare money can buy. Calorie counting Robster was in Paris for a gig but it seems that cheap hamburgers and fat soaked fries was all that could satisfy his hunger. Whilst ordering his six chicken McNuggets a freeloading friend said: “Robbie isn’t comfortable in posh restaurants. And he doesn’t speak a word of French. After watching DVDs in his suite with Jonathan Wilkes all night, he fancied a Big Mac instead of all the pricey dishes on his room service menu.”
Keen to dispel her public image as a hard-nosed emotionless weirdo, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she was “completely terrified” during the recent birth of her daughter Shiloh Nouvel. “You know, because you’re there for the birth, which I wasn’t for my first two kids, you’re just suddenly terrified that they’re not gonna take a first breath,” the husband-stealing mother of three told CNN. “That was my whole focus. I just wanted to hear her cry.”
Despite being seen draped over actor/model Lucas Babin 24/7, bed-hopping Paris Hilton has claimed that she loves being single in a recent US talk show interview. “I’m a very strong woman. I don’t need a man. I can be on my own,” she lied while furiously sending hundreds of texts to her current squeeze. Clearly forgetting that she’s just said she could happily be single, the bimbo then said: “I always have a boyfriend all the time. I’ve never really got to know me and, like, have time for myself because I spend all my energy on the boyfriend.”
Supermodel Linda Evangelista has confirmed that she is up the duff by her as yet unnamed American architect boyfriend. “I’m overjoyed,” she beamed. “My baby gives my life a meaning.” Tongues were set wagging after the 41-year-old Canadian beauty was spotted with an uncharacteristically rounded belly at a party in Madrid recently. Keen to dispel vicious rumours that she had just been overdoing the beans lately, Linda revealed that she is in fact pregnant with her first child.
Cringe-inducing Saved By The Bell star Dustin Diamond, who played geeky Screech Powers in the cheesy American show, is selling T-shirts in a desperate attempt to stop his house being repossessed. The curly haired actor, who is now a struggling stand-up comedian, needs to raise US$250,000 otherwise he’ll be evicted from his two storey house near Milwaukee. Showing no signs of pride or dignity whatsoever, gangly Dustin is flogging crappy T-shirts with a photo of himself holding a sign saying “Save My House” on the front and featuring the catchy line “I paid $15.00 to save Screech’s house” on the back. Clearly deluded by his bout of fame back in the early 90s, Dustin declared: “If the public didn’t care, I as an entertainer wouldn’t have been a success.”
Jennifer Aniston sent Courteney Cox a rather unusual birthday present last week. The two actresses became best buddies while starring in Friends as Rachel and Monica so Jennifer wanted to give her friend something personal. Forced to be overseas on the big day due to publicity commitments for her new film The Break-Up, the creative ex-Mrs Pitt thought candles or a book would be far too boring for her close friend. So instead Jen booked a transvestite Rachel Green impersonator to crash Courteney’s party and make up for her not being there. “I made it up to her by sending a trannie impersonator of Rachel,” she explains. “He can cheer anyone up.”
Slow running Pamela Anderson is set to make grown men walk into lampposts in London soon when she poses naked in Stella McCartney’s shop window in a stunt for PETA. Animal-loving Pammie will bare all this month to help stop animal abuse and to make people think twice about wearing fur coats. She has already been awarded the Linda McCartney Memorial Award for her dedication to the animal rights charity.
Pasty faced Richard Ashcroft has been arrested after bursting into a youth club and demanding to work with the bemused teens. The ex-Verve singer turned up at the Bridge Club in Chippenham pissed out of his head and looking like a tramp. One star-struck witness said: “He kept saying he wanted to work with kids, that he wanted to do ‘good things’. “He wasn’t aggressive, in fact he was quite charming and friendly. He kept hugging some staff and kids.” A gaunt looking Richard insisted that he was going to work with the youngsters but the woman in charge told him that he would need to go through the proper channels. When he refused to leave the police were called and Ashcroft was taken into custody for a couple of hours and given a £80 fixed penalty fine.
Annoying illusionist David Blaine, who momentarily made us all celebrate when he nearly snuffed it in his last stupid stunt, has decided to suspend himself from the Brooklyn Bridge by his arms. The pointless magician aims to hang off the New York landmark 135ft above the East River and is currently practicing on the bridge’s suspension wires. In his usual monotone drawl, the 33-year-old told The Sun: “Challenging myself on this bridge is a life-long dream.”
Despite the fact that she dropped her sprog merely three weeks ago, Angelina Jolie has announced that she would like to adopt another child. Speaking to CNN, the big lipped star explained the process that all prospective parents have to consider when planning a family, saying: “It’s, you know, another boy, another girl, which country, which race would fit best with the kids.” This comes after Namibia’s National Society for Human Rights (NSHR) branded the Brangelina clan “colonial overlords” for taking over the African country when Shiloh was born.
Corrie actor Craig Charles has been suspended from the soap after the Daily Mirror photographed him buying and smoking crack cocaine. The gobby scouser, who plays cab driver Lloyd in the soap, has also been suspended from a music show he hosts on the BBC. The newspaper, who seems to know just where to catch celebs snorting the white stuff, as they managed to snap Kate Moss taking drugs last year, printed the front page photo showing the 41-year-old inhaling what it said were crystals of the drug from an empty beer can in the back of his car. “Following allegations in the press today, actor Craig Charles has been suspended from his role in Coronation Street with immediate effect, pending further investigations by the company,” ITV said in a statement.
Actress Kate Beckinsale has revealed that while breastfeeding her daughter Lily seven years ago she learned to do a rather unusual party trick. Boasting to a bemused Jay Leno that, besides her amazing acting skills, she also has other “useless talents”, the English star revealed: “I do miss breastfeeding. I was good at it.” Apparently her nipples are so powerful that she can squirt milk clear across a room. “I got more than my fair share – I could hit the wall from quite a distance,” she bragged, while fondling her very own big guns.
PhD student Jade Goody has been snapped writing a text message on her mobile whilst speeding along at 50 mph on a motorway sliproad. The Miss Piggy impersonator is so retarded that she even posed for the photo as she drove along in her Porsche with her phone in hand. She also flung her arms about and danced like a loon to a car full of strangers. One of the passengers, Matt Clifton, who took the picture of the idiot said: “She just wasn’t aware of the danger. She wasn’t looking at the road. We were doing at least 45 or 50mph. “She seems great fun, but is not the sharpest tool in the box.”
The latest rumour out of Tinseltown is that Ben Affleck is set to star in the film version of 80’s cult TV show Magnum PI. The former half of the classy Bennifer duo will be taking on the role of the legendary Hawaiian private investigator made famous by moustached Tom Selleck. Selleck was the first choice but once he turned it down because he realised he was far too geriatric to pull it off, Affleck was considered an obvious choice by the producers. Twenty years younger and with no promise of being able to grow impressive facial hair, it’s not exactly clear why they’d think so. But Charles Floyd Johnson, a producer on the original series, is an Affeck fan: “I think it will be wonderful. Unfortunately it won’t star Tom.”
Blonde ditz Jessica Simpson is rumoured to be starring in a film version of Baywatch and, showing that she takes her job very seriously indeed, she was keen to do a bit of important research for her big role. The Mensa candidate was overheard at a recent Hollywood party asking Pamela Anderson something the world has been trying to figure out ever since the show first aired: “How did you guys run so slowly in the opening scene of Baywatch?” Tears running down her face, a clearly too kind Pam explained the difficult concept of filming in slow motion to a typically vacant-looking Jess.
It looks like leggy Penny Lancaster is finally going to be walking down the aisle with scrotum-skinned midget Rod Stewart. Despite being together for over six years and having a baby together, the mulleted rocker has only just got his act together and divorced equally leggy Rachel Hunter. Penny, 35, is strangely over the moon about marrying the wrinkly lothario, revealing: “We’re in the midst of planning our very own big day now. Even though we’ve been together for years, the divorce means we can finally put the past behind us.”
Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood has checked himself into a rehab clinic in South London to deal with his booze problems. The 59-year-old rocker has well documented problems with the bottle and has attempted to beat his demons a few times, checking into celeb-favourite clinic The Priory back in 2000. Despite currently being busy learning how to say no to vodka, the band’s spokesperson Fran Curtis said that Wood would not be missing any of the Stones’ Bigger Bang tour when it kicks off on July 11. “He needs some rest, but he will definitely be fit for the first night of the European tour,” Curtis revealed.
A judge in New York has issued a warrant for Boy George’s arrest. The powder-loving warbler, real name George O’Dowd, made a real dick of himself last October when, high as a kite, he phoned police to report that someone had stolen his coke. The drugs charges were later dropped but the former Culture Club singer was charged with falsely reporting a burglary and after pleading guilty was ordered to pay a measly £450 fine or do community service. Now he’s trying to get out of his punishment and Judge Ferrara is not impressed at all, saying that he “doesn’t serve himself well by not paying the fine as we all know he has the means.”
Film fans beware – yet another self-deluded hip hop star has jumped on the bandwagon and announced plans to make a film of their life. Formerly fat Missy Elliot has revealed that she’s currently in development talks with Robert De Niro’s Tribeca Films. She wants to make a film telling her inspiring life story, in the vein of Eminem and 50 Cent. No word yet whether Missy will be playing herself but you can be sure there will be moving scenes as she battles her way to the top, deals with her alcoholic trailer park mother, struggles with being accepted as a white rapper…oh wait, different film.
Disgraced glam rocker Gary Glitter’s appeal against a three-year jail term for child sex abuse has been quashed by a Vietnamese court. The 62-year–old Glitter, real name Paul Gadd, was convicted in March of molesting two young girls at his beach hut in Vung Tau. His lawyer Le Tanh Kinh said that Glitter continued to maintain his innocence and would appeal again. Chief judge Truong Vinh Thuy was of a rather different opinion: “The behaviour of the defendant is dangerous for society, especially towards children. He needs to be punished.”
Trailer trash princess Britney Spears is such a huge fan of Angelina Jolie that she now wants to copy the fat-lipped minx and have her baby in Africa too. A blubbering Britney revealed in a recent interview that she’s “off there in the near future” and with her baby due in August speculation is rife that she will pop it out on African soil. Namibian Deputy Tourism Minister Leon Jooste confirmed that Brit “has shown interest to come over to Namibia. Nothing has been confirmed yet, but there is a definite possibility of that happening. She wants to come in very low profile.”
Sideburn-sporting Foo Fighters lead singer Dave Grohl has reassured fans he is very much alive despite a number of internet sites saying the contrary. The internet web of lies depicting Dave’s death got so carried away that Grohl himself started receiving phone calls of condolence. “I got a phone message from a friend saying: “Er I guess.. Jordyn (Grohl’s wife)… this is maybe… for you. I’m so sorry to hear what happened.” “They were leaving a message on my cell phone saying ‘I’m sorry Dave died.’” Not one to let death get him down, Grohl was quick to put things in perspective. “I guess I’ve finally graduated to the status of being an internet rumour. It weirded me out a bit, but it’s stupid.”
Justin Trousersnake has announced that he is set to return back to the top of the charts with a new album. The over-hyped singer, who is probably still congratulating himself on his escape from Waynetta Spears, has released a new teaser publicity shot to generate some headlines. Clearly deciding to take the high road and not mimic anyone else’s style, the photo shows the singer wearing a Michael Jackson-esque face mask and hat. Whilst smelling his cash, a record company executive said: “He wants it to be mysterious and raunchy. The tracks are mainly big club tunes with a hip-hop and R&B feel and Justin will launch his single SexyBack with a few exclusive late-night club dates.”
Over two hundred sad Take Twat fans have been treated for heat and dehydration at the band’s homecoming gig. Stupid fans waited for six hours in boiling temperatures for their middle-aged idols to come on stage leaving them overheated. Added to the hoards of fans gasping for air and water, other fans received minor injuries through being crushed at the packed City of Manchester Stadium. Three of them were taken to hospital. Fan Danielle Loughlin twisted her ankle during the ridiculous debacle. Speaking about the gig as if it were a serious event and not the embarrassing group of middle-aged women clambering to see some over-the-hill dancers that it was, Danielle’s sister Terrie said: “My main concern is health and safety at the other Take That concerts.”
Despite the fact that he sends the rest of us to sleep with his whimpering ditties, James Blunt’s overplayed You’re Beautiful has helped a five-year-old girl wake-up from a coma. Claudia Amber Dealwis had been in a coma since a 15ft fall fractured her skull three weeks ago. However, when Blunty’s annoying hit came on the hospital radio she started to open her eyes – no doubt to try and signal to the nurses to turn that bloody song off. Claudia is still recovering at Burnley General Hospital and will have to learn to walk again. Her dad Paul said: “I’m so relieved she is out of the coma. Claudia loves that song and is always singing it. It’s like her very own little theme tune.”
Booty-shaking Beyonce Knowles is unlikely to do anything for charity in the near future, after her recent foray into fundraising landed her a meal with angry PETA members. The fur-loving singer had auctioned off a meal with herself to raise money for VH1’s Save The Music but ended up being forced to watch a video which graphically showed the way they kill the animals for fur. The PETA members berated the singer for choosing fur in her own clothes line. So it wasn’t long before the singer and her mum made excuses and left. PETA spokesman Michael McGraw said: “By wearing and designing fur she is setting a terrible example for young women who look up to her and want to emulate her. “She is promoting one of the most violent industries on the planet.”
Finally realising that they were flogging a dead horse, the BBC have decided to axe Top Of The Pops. Although the show has been running for 42 years, the viewing figures have been dropping dramatically from 19 million viewers in its heyday to less then a million now. The BBC have attempted to re-launch the show several times but failed to make an impact, especially when competing with the 24-hour music channels on Sky. Whilst grabbing another tissue BBC director of television Jana Bennett said: “We’re very proud of a show which has survived 42 years in the UK and gone on to become a worldwide brand but the time has come to bring the show to its natural conclusion.”
Sensing the need to distance herself as far as possible from the Christina/Britney days, skimpy clothes loving Christina Aguilera has decided to promote her new album under a pseudonym. The sexpot singer has got tired of peddling crappy pop and R&B anthems and has opted for a jazzy sound on her new CD. She plans to tour America’s jazz clubs to promote her new album under the alias Baby Jane, performing at some of the country’s smallest venues. Slyly pocketing a cash advance form her record company she said: “We’re gonna go around to small little jazz and blues clubs around the country, which is the setting and tone of what this album is really inspired by.”
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