A barmy government minister reckons England footy fans should sing in German at the World Cup – just to be polite to ze Germans. Foreign Office gimp Lord Triesman is encouraging supporters to warble the likes of Three Lions in the language of the tournament’s hosts. The crazy move is aimed at boosting friendship between rival thugs and is part of the government anti-aggro initiative dubbed Avoiding Penalties. Triesman, a former Spurs youth-team footballer, denied adopting a nanny state attitude, adding: “We can’t tell people what they must or must not do. “But if you are having a good time there are other people from other countries also enjoying the event. There is no need to do anything gratuitously offensive.”
A cheeky British Airways pilot sent out an SOS to scared passengers to ask for a lift home. Despite making more money for one flight than most passengers make in a week, the pilot on the BA flight to Manchester announced: “If anyone is travelling to Hale or Altrincham I’d be really grateful to have a lift. I am no trouble really. If not, I will get a taxi.” He even had the gall to stand at the cabin door as the stunned passengers disembarked to see if anyone was going to help him out, but no one did. An amused passenger giggled: “Some of us burst out laughing, but he was deadly serious. The cabin crew seemed very embarrassed.”
A benefit scrounging family of ten is demanding a ten-bedroom home from their local council even though they earn £32,000-a-year in benefits. Jobless doleite Sue McFadden, 54, wants the ten-bed house for herself, three adult daughters Teresa, Debbie and Tammy and six grandchildren - even though only one of them bothers to work. The council have so far offered them two four-bedroom houses plus a one-bedroom flat but they turned it down.As well as demanding a fitted kitchen and a shower room, the family are also keen to move from Ellesmere Port, to posher town Chester, up the road and will only have to pay the council £40 a week for the property. A full-time working neighbour, who did not wish to be named, said: “They’re out for everything they can get, as far as I am concerned.”
In yet another pointless but amusing survey, British women have declared that if men were to be compared to used cars most of them would be labelled as being “in poor condition.” Adding insult to injury, a quarter of UK men would also apparently fail a bodywork test for their shape and quality. Men from the north east came out best, having the best bodywork, with 18% of them in excellent condition. The reliable Rovers of the country were men from south west England but further east, Cockneys are seen as old bangers who will let you down. Welsh men were described as the most out of date style-wise, while the good old northerners were the least environmentally-friendly for excessive fuel guzzling. The Scots came off worst with 40% of them describes as unsuitable for resale, on the grounds of “noxious emissions”.
A pissed off pensioner has been thrown off a bus in Cardiff for carrying home a tin of paint. The stunned 73-year-old Welshman, Brian Heale, was told that his can of cream emulsion broke health and safety rules on the No9 bus so he had to get off. Angry Brian said: “I thought he was joking. But he parked the bus and called head office.” Apparently paint is classed as a “hazardous article” and can only be carried on buses if it is in a bag.
In a bid to give our world famous British football hooligans reason to act like violent baboons at the World Cup, footie fans in Germany are being encouraged to use voodoo dolls to try and stop our team winning. Thousands of the £10 hessian dolls, wearing St George’s flags and complete with their own set of pins, have sold on the internet. The slogan on the packaging says: “Voodoo your team to victory.” Instructions with the dolls tell the sour Krauts how to perform the voodoo magic on our players during the game. Malcolm Clarke, chairman of the Football Supporters’ Federation, quickly hid his German-flag wearing doll behind his back and declared that voodoo would never be enough to stop England being victorious. He added: “They’ll need more than black magic to beat us.”
Fed-up Brits who feel let down with our farcical government and piss poor choice of political parties are starting to support the racist BNP. Recent figures indicate that a quarter of voters are thinking of supporting the British National Party in the next election, as a protest against their feelings of “powerlessness and frustration,” according to the BBC. Seizing on the current bout of press, the BNP launched its local election manifesto and claim that they are “standing for local freedom, security, identity, democracy” and will be putting “Britain first”. It is thought that most people are angry with the influx of immigrants and disappointed that their own children cannot get homes in their local area because they are given to asylum seekers.
A balls-up in a government department has led to a four-year-old girl being called up for jury duty. Little Beatrice Ball, who has only just finished playschool, was sent a jury summons for trial at Bristol Crown Court. In typical fashion, the Government department responsible for sending out jury summons, and the local city council are blaming each other for the mix-up. Beatrice’s bemused mother laughed: “I like to think Beatrice is bright for her age, but this is ridiculous – she has only just mastered how to count up to 20.”
Researchers have just released information that the rest of the British public already knew, that too many people in the UK use alcohol to make themselves feel better. Research from the Mental Health Foundation (MHF) show that huge numbers of people in the UK regularly “self medicate” using alcohol. They found that 88% of people would find it difficult to give up alcohol completely while 77% said it made them feel relaxed. They also proved that many adults in the UK hit the bottle to deal with stress, anxiety and depression, which isn’t really surprising given that recent research labelled Britons as the biggest binge drinkers in Europe.
A stressed out army boss in charge of Sandhurst has announced that he is leaving his job. He claims to be quitting over the stress of training ginger headline chaser Prince Harry and future king Wills. Major General Andrew Ritchie has said that he is sick of looking after the young royals who are always in the spotlight. One friend said: “Dealing with one prince and all the attention is hard enough. It left him stressed and distracted from his job.”
A red-faced police chief has been forced to apologise after making a joke about suicide bombers at a gala dinner in Scotland Shamed Chief Constable John Vine thought it would be appropriate to round off his otherwise boring speech with a gag about suicide bombers’ fathers comparing notes, by using the tasteful punchline: “Kids blow up so quickly these days.” The stunned audience at the Perth Bar Association fell silent after the joke and Vine felt he should apologise if he intended on keeping his job. He released a statement this week saying that his remarks were in poor taste and apologised “profusely” for any offence caused.
Rainbow flag toting gay activists are crying foul play, after a car was spotted driving around London with the road legal number plate H8 GAY. The politically correct registration was first spotted by Jocelyn Carr, a businessman from Notting Hill, who put in a complaint to the DVLA. He said: “I was amazed. I just couldn’t believe it had been allowed and I assumed it was being driven by a right bigot.” The DVLA initially said that the number plate was not offensive “when correctly spaced”. That was until infamous token gay MP Chris Bryant got on bored and claimed: “If the DVLA sold H8 JEW or H8 WOG, there would rightly be a public outcry.” It turns out that the car was actually owned by a fun-loving homosexual couple who got the registration as a hilarious joke and have since moved to France. The DVLA have now withdrawn the number.
Speeding Northern motorists are reeling after it was revealed that over 18,000 drivers on the M62 motorway, near Leeds, have been snared by just one speed camera. The temporary speed trap meant that altogether the race-happy drivers racked up over 50,000 penalty points and £1,088,000 in fines. A spokesman for anti-speed camera group, Motorists Against Detection, momentarily refrained from smashing the hell out of an Arrive Alive van to say: “This is yet another knock for drivers, who are generally law-abiding citizens. Motorists are unsure around temporary speed limits but police are employing a sledgehammer approach by using Gatsos in these areas.”
The days of obnoxious Hitler-like traffic wardens could be coming to an end, now that the UK Transport Department are demanding that they treat motorists more considerately. The order has come after it was revealed that income from parking fines reached over £1 billion for the first time in 2003-2004. Traffic wardens are now being ordered to avoid ticketing cars that have overstayed their time limit by a minute or for straying just over the line of a parking bay.
Irish heroes U2 have topped another poll with their 1991 song One being voted as having the Best Lyrics by music lovers. The VH1 poll asked over 13,000 music fans, including celebrities such as eloquent wordsmith Noel Gallagher and hairstyle trendsetter Jon Bon Jovi, which song they thought had the best lyrics and thousands gave the line “One life, with each other, sisters, brothers”. The Smiths’ How Soon is Now? was in second place while part of the chorus of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit was in third. U2 nearly got two in the top 10 with Where the Streets Have No Name but it just missed out on 10th place to Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On.
People from all over Ireland crammed into the centre of Dublin for a march commemorating the 90th anniversary of the Easter Rising against British rule. The parade, which featured 2,500 military personnel, was the first in the Irish capital for 35 years. The Rising saw rebels attempt to seize the capital from British forces, but it was put down and many of its ringleaders were captured and executed. Wreaths were laid and a minute’s silence was held in commemoration of all civilian and military personnel - including the British - killed in 1916. President Bertie Ahern said he hoped parades would mark the Easter Rising each year until the centenary in 2016.
Disgraced Bishop Brendan Comiskey has made his first public appearance since being condemned for the way he dealt with pervy paedo clerics. Three years after quitting over his poor handling of child sex abuse scandals involving deceased priests Sean Fortune and Jim Grennan, the former Bishop of Ferns said: “I have found peace with myself. I feel fulfilled.” But furious head of Survivors of Child Abuse (SOCA) John Kelly was disgusted with Comiskey. “It’s deeply offensive for him not to explain his actions to the victims at least. He is at peace? All I can say to that is that he may well be at peace but the numerous victims of clerical sex abuse are not at peace,” he fumed.
Two bookies were the target of separate armed raids after the Irish Grand National in Fairyhouse. Two blokes with a butcher’s knife and a shotgun conned their way into the home of one bookie in the Kinarva estate, off the Navan Road in Dublin. They held his wife hostage until he came home and made off in his car with what is believed to be a six-figure sum. Meanwhile, gardai foiled a second gang – armed with hammers and a handgun – which was waiting to rob another bookmaker in the Chronicle bookmakers in Co Meath. Detectives arrested five men and held them under the Offences Against the State Act.
Clearly having developed an insatiable appetite for lamb rogan josh and Cobra lager, Elizabeth Hurley reckons she is keen to spend as much time as possible in India once she marries boyfriend Arun Nayar. Ordering another round of popadoms as pranced around in her new tie-dye flares, Liz said: “When we do get married, I am sure India would become my second home.” While sifting through her new collection of Bollywood classics, Liz also admitted she enjoys spending time in India with her son Damian and Arun’s family. “We get on brilliantly and spend a great deal of time with each other’s families. I feel very lucky that I met him,” she finished before breaking into song and running around the house like a whirling Dervish.
Scientology leaders must be jumping up and down like excited teenagers at the prospect of having a new child to brainwash into their cult, following news that Katie Holmes’s has finally dropped her sprog. Couch-breaker Cruise and former Catholic Katie Holmes “joyously welcomed” their baby daughter Suri into the world this week. No news yet as to whether the mad midget Cruise did actually go ahead and eat his baby’s placenta following the birth, after telling GQ that he was ready to “eat the cord and the placenta right there” in a post birth party.
Retired brain surgeon Tara Palmer-Tomkinson is angry that she’s being labelled a publicity seeker, for gossiping about bedding whining singer James Blunt. She said: “I was deceived by this guy and that’s it. One thing I will say is I was never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, told by James Blunt that there was a girlfriend. “I mean all the stuff about how I went to America and I did this and I did that, I was never told there was a girlfriend, in fact James told me he had split up with her at Christmas.”
Proving that he really must be the biggest dickhead in Britain, deadbeat rocker Pete Doherty managed to get himself arrested again just hours after being spared jail. The Babyshambles gimp was held on suspicion of possessing class A drugs with intent to supply after police stopped a car he was travelling in. Doherty was taken to East London cop shop, along with the 21-year-old driver, who was also arrested. The incident came just three hours after the retarded lover of super-coke snorter Kate Moss avoided being sent to prison on drugs charges. He was instead sentenced to a community order with two years’ supervision and 18 months’ drug rehabilitation at Thames Magistrates’ Court as well as being banned from driving for six months.
Michael Barrymore has ‘welcomed news’ that police are going to review the death of a man who was found dead in the TV entertainer’s swimming pool. Stuart Lubbock, 31, was found floating in the water following a party at Barrymore’s Essex mansion in 2001. An open verdict was recorded at an inquest and no-one was charged with causing Lubbock’s death – although Barrymore accepted a police caution for drug offences. Police said it was standard practice to regularly review unexplained deaths and the 53-year-old laughing stock said he would do all he could to assist them. “I welcome the news that the case is to be reviewed,” trembled Barrymore. “I have always maintained that I would do all I can to help both the police and the Lubbock family. ”
Proving that the men of Britain do in fact have some taste when it comes to women, a Kerrang poll has named Jade Goody as the number one ugly female celebrity. The Miss Piggy impersonator topped the list gaining 31% of all the votes, with Jodie Marsh coming in second place. Shock jock Tim Shaw was bored with the numerous polls that only list the most beautiful women, so he asked listeners of his Asylum Show to nominate celebs who turn them off. He said: “I just got fed up with seeing all these pictures of women we are supposed to idolise and wanted to know what my listeners really think.” Goody was no surprise as number one, but less predictably Skeletal Spice Victoria Beckham and cocaine loving Kate Moss came in joint third place.
Ricky Gervais, who has never shown any discernable differences between himself and David Brent, could be heading for trouble after making jokes about Princess Di in his Simpsons script. The pudgy-faced comic has created an English character called Charles for the show, who attempts to woo Marge Simpson when both families take part in a TV Wife Swap. During the show, Charles tries to seduce Marge by singing her a self-penned love song, which includes the lyrics: “Be my Lady Di, Be my lady tonight, But don’t die.” Ricky reckons the song is the worst ever written, and is proud of his efforts to play exactly the same character again.
The poor man’s Paul Daniels, David Blaine, is planning yet another stunt with which to impress the ladies. The Yank card trick specialist has said that he wants to live underwater for a week – a trick which should have the ladies absolutely dripping. Without giving any proper details of the sneaky tubes and air tanks concealed behind his back, Blaine says he will live in a New York aquarium for seven days, and conclude his wet sojourn with an attempt to smash the world record for holding his breath underwater.
Bosses at the Beeb are looking for a new Tranny and Susannah after the toffy-nosed two betrayed them and jumped ship to ITV last November. But the crafty TV peeps at the BBC still own the format to What Not To Wear and are planning to try and cripple their rival’s ratings, by bringing it back for a sixth series this year. The two celebs heading their wish list for presenters are model Jodie Kidd, 27, and her sister, make-up artist Jemma, 31. We’re sure that having two skeletal model-types front the show will really encourage middle-aged house wives to feel good about their bodies.
Tom Cruise, realising that he has not done some vomit-inducing gushing in the media for a couple of days, has seen fit to tell everyone that sex with his zombie bride is “spectacular”. “Sex is about the connection,” explained Tom, as Katie went back into her trance. “Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it’s an extension of that,” he added, in really high platform shoes. “Where it’s just free. And that’s how it should be. It’s spectacular. If you’re not in good communication with your partner, it sucks.”
Celebrity Love Island’s most idiotic contestant, Paul Danan, has had another stint in rehab after being treated for booze and coke addiction last year. The 27-year-old ex-Hollyoaks “actor”, checked himself into Grovelands Priory, North London, for “substance abuse”. It is thought to follow an incident where he hurt his arm during a drinking session. A friend said: “Paul is trying to wrestle his demons.”
The most recent celebs to jump on the Angelina Jolie-led adoption bandwagon are Ewan McGregor and his wife Eve Mavrakis. The Scottish pair have just adopted a four-year-old Mongolian girl to add to their family. They already have two biological daughters, Esther and Clara. Mongolia was one of the countries which Ewan visited during his Long Way Round motorbike trip he did with Charlie Boorman.
WKD Blue-swigging reprobate Lindsay Lohan is attempting to ditch her wild girl image by getting all religious on our asses. The nightclub-hopping kiddy movie star is reportedly thinking of signing up with the Kabbalah Krew – which, along with the Scientology Massive, is the only expensive religious cult that celebs are entitled to hang out with. “I want people to know me for the work I’m doing, not for this party girl image,” squealed Lindsay, as if she was Meryl Streep or something, and everyone thought that her work wasn’t a pile of old rubbish.
Professor-turned-actress Kelly Brook has been raunching it up, saying she loves doing sex scenes in films. Which is probably handy, as no-one’s going to hire her to keep her clothes on. The bumper-busted brunette reckons that she doesn’t really have to put too much effort into the humping scenes, as she gets caught up in the moment, and rather enjoys it. “I don’t have to put out that much for a role, if it’s the right one,” Kelly added, wondering why Emma Thompson keeps getting all the proper roles she’s after.
Flesh flute soloist Paris Hilton has decided that there is more to life than grainy nocturnal biopics, and has become addicted to playing poker. The blonde nuclear scientist says that she and her dowdy sister Nicky have started entering tournaments in a bid to increase their already obscene unearned wealth. “I’m obsessed with poker. It’s my favourite game now,” said Paris, chucking out her Hungry Hippos set with utter disdain. She also insists that she has no intention of gambling away her fortune as well. “I’m really lucky in Vegas - I always win!” added the woman who resides on every dirty old man’s computer.
Car crash victim Pete Burns has grabbed some much-needed headlines after being thrown out of a nightclub. Following former Celeb Big Brother housemates Preston and Chantelle’s announcement that they are getting engaged and moving in together, Pete’s attractive mug was splashed all over the newspapers after rowing with his ex in London’s Ghetto club on Saturday. When pouting Pete’s ex, Michael Simpson, turned up with a new bloke, the angry singer accused him or swiping his clothes, in a fight that ended in Pete being carted off by the police.
Yodelling songstress Shakira has been picked to perform her latest song at the World Cup final. The Colombian warbler will perform Hips Don’t Lie at Berlin’s Olympic Stadium before the big match on 9th July. A spokesperson for Sony-BMG, who represents the hip-shaking singer, said: “It is sure to make the thousands and thousands of fans gathered at the famous stadium get up and dance before kick-off.”
Waynetta Spears’s layabout husband has insisted to press that he will never divorce his meal-ticket wife. The Justin Timberlake wannabe has said that relationships are not meant to be easy and believes that failing popstar Nick Lachey and airhead ex-wife Jessica Simpson didn’t work hard enough to save their marriage. Checking that his latest “husband allowance” from Britney had been safely deposited into his bank account, he told Spin magazine: “My situation is different. I ain’t getting’ no divorce. F*** that!” Kev, famed for leaving his pregnant wife for his current white trash squeeze, added: “I don’t believe in that s***. Once you get married, you’re in it for the fight.”
In a bid to get more respectable gigs, rather than the likes of Radio 1’s annual road show in Rhyl, Craig David has announced that he needs a girlfriend and is on the prowl. He had heard that Jesse Metcalfe might be two-timing Girls Aloud’s singer Nadine, and decided to phone The Mirror’s 3am girls to pant: “She’s cute. Tell her not to worry about him – I’ll take over.” The 24-year-old mummy’s boy has been single since splitting from Sophia Vergara and apparently now just wants any Girl. He added: “Sarah Harding’s hot, too. Is she still with Calum? And Cheryl’s with Ashley. Damn.”
Former poster child for the ill effects of drugs, Courtney Love, is donning a Union Jack flag, drinking a pint and doing a Madonna by moving to London. Kurt Cobain’s widow, who has more recently been famed for her court appearances and crazed rantings at passing journalists than anything else, has put in an offer for dykey Spice Mel C’s former Hampstead apartment. She recently came into an abundance of dosh by selling off her stake in Nirvana’s back catalogue in a multi-million pound deal. The fallen star has been spotted out with Sadie Frost and the Promiscuous Hill crowd since she’s been in Blighty.
Not only has Blobby Williams managed to piss off most music lovers the world over but now he has offended the Church of England. The fat singer thought it would be great fun to take part in Derren Brown’s crucifixion stunt, which was sensitively televised on Easter Sunday. The trick saw Williams being put in the crucification pose on a cross, with 14-inch needles seemingly piercing his hands and feet after being put in a trance. But angry religious folk are upset after seeing the blobster portraying the king of kings. Reverend Ian Gregory said: “To trivialise the most important event in history is unforgivable.”
Former Libertines star Carl Barat has insisted that his new band is nothing to do with his old mockers, despite nicking the drummer and the stand-in for Pete D’oh!Erty. Once Britain’s favourite junkie started fannying around with Babyshambles, it became quite clear that there was no future for The Libertines, mewled Barat. And he insists that, despite the almost identical line-up, it’s all very different. “There was a complete cut-off between writing. I didn’t make a single reference to The Libertines in any of my songs,” he insisted, pining for Pete to come back and play with him.
Big-haired rockers Bon Jovi have decided not to let the trifling matter of Wembley Stadium being a pathetic heap of rubble get in their way. Jon and his hirsuit cohorts were due to play there this spring, but have decided to move the gig to Milton Keynes after finding out that Wembley won’t open until we all live in space and travel by the power of the mind. And, being lovely guys who do a lot of good work for charidee, the band have organised for buses to take fans from London to the concrete hell-hole so that they don’t have to miss out on the hoary old tunes.
Musically challenged Kelly Osbourne proved that her driving skills are about as good as her singing ones, when she crashed her new £60,000 Range Rover in Hollywood. The newly thin Kelly, 21, was showing off her latest 4×4 cruiser along Sunset Strip when she clipped a red convertible. A witness said between chuckles: “Kelly looked really embarrassed. The elderly couple in the other car got out and started screaming and shouting at her. She just stayed in the car and rolled down the window. Once they saw who she was they immediately calmed down. She was close to tears.”
Insipid warbler Katie Melua – who has come to power on the back of tunes written by the man who invented the Wombles – has come out as a closet rocker. Asked to name her top ten favourite songs ever, ever, ever, Katie had some surprise inclusions mixed amongst the predictable crap from Paul Simon and Finlay Quaye. Easily the biggest surprise was sweary anthem Killing In The Name by Rage Against The Machine, who she says her brother got her into. The Georgian-born lift music specialist also says she loved F*** Forever by Babyshambles. “I like the fact that it feels quite raw around the edges,” she said, eyeing up sweaty-faced lead singer Pete D’Oh!Erty.
Chavlotte Church has made headlines again this week after being stalked by an anorak wearing, middle-aged, weirdo. The sinister stalker was loitering outside the 20-year-old’s £500,000 Cardiff house, but fled after mumbling a false name to Chavlotte’s boyfriend Gavin Henson, when he was confronted. Deciding to make use of the cigarette smoking paparazzi who were also loitering outside the house, hard-man Gav asked The Sun photographer to take a photo of the nutter. Police are now investigating. Scared Chavlotte took a swig of her alcopop and said: “No one has ever stalked me at the house before. It’s really scary.”
In what can only be good news for the whole world, The Darkness are set to be locked away for a month. Unfortunately, they will be released afterwards, and be inflicted upon us on TV screens every day if they sign up. TV execs, desperately trying to come up with an idea now that Big Brother is dying like Sean Bean in any film you care to mention, think they have hit on a winner. Borrowing the concept from Aussie band, Regurgitator, they want to lock a band in a see-through glass pod in Trafalgar Square while they record their new album. Regurgitator did it in Federation Square, Melbourne, in a flagrant bid to boost their career, but it lit up dollar signs in the eyes of small screen big cheeses. Apparently, The Darkness are thought to be the ideal band for the concept, with sibling rivalry, rock ‘n’ roll excess and hissy fits all on the agenda.
Despite having won X Factor thanks to randy judge Sharon Osbourne, chav king Shayne Ward, is whining about his lack of cash. Even though the flop star got a £1million record deal and has been promoting himself as shamelessly as Paris Hilton, he told Now magazine that he is surprised at how little money he has left. The hard-up scally clearly didn’t understand the X Factor format of playing media puppet for the seriously rich Simon Cowell for a few months, before being tossed aside like the useless Michelle McManus. He moaned: “I pay all the expenses - make-up artists, travel, and photo and video shoots.”
Wacky Scouse funsters The Zutons have ventured into stalking on their new album of Cast-with-kazoos throwback rock. New single Why Don’t You Give Me Your Love? is an ode to those sweaty-palmed types who think that the likes of Jill Dando are made to be with them. “Half the song is obviously a joke, about stalking someone,” said singer Dave McCabe, hoping that the fact everyone has now realised that The Coral are shit will not rebound on them too. “The other half is not knowing who you’re stalking — but you want to stalk someone for a laugh.” Makes perfect sense, you mad loon.
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