A madman who had fantasies of being Freddie Krueger has been sentenced to life imprisonment after being convicted of murdering four people on a sadistic killing spree. Daniel Gonzalez, 25, butchered two men and two women in Sussex and north London within three days in September 2004. Gonzalez was an unemployed, drug-taking loser who spent most of his sad life watching horror films and playing computer games at his home in Woking, Surrey. Police said he wanted to be remembered as a famous serial killer, so he spent a day acting like Krueger, the disgusting-looking murderer from the film Nightmare of Elm Street. Gonzalez had claimed to the court that he was a schizo and voices in his head told him to behave like the vile burns-victim.Six men who thought they were going to make some easy money by taking part in a clinical drug trial are now wishing they hadn’t been so stupid. Two men are fighting for their lives and four others are seriously ill after the test ward in north-west London turned into a scene from a horror film. Raste Khan, one of the men given a dummy pill, said the study was like playing Russian roulette, although he was one of the lucky ones. Khan said some of the other men started fainting, throwing up and writhing around in agony. The head of one of the victims is said to be three times its normal size and his limbs are purple, while another looks like the Elephant Man. It was the first time the drug TGN1412, designed to treat conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis and leukaemia, had been tested on humans. American company Parexel, which ran the trial, claimed it had followed recommended guidelines.
A fanatical Muslim has appeared in the dock after going crazy during protests against cartoons satirising the Prophet Muhammed. Uman Javed, 26, was charged with soliciting murder and using words likely to stir up racial hatred when he appeared before the Bow beak. The married father-of-one from Birmingham will be back at the Old Bailey next month. Two other men charged over the demonstrations outside the Danish Embassy in London on 3 February have been released on bail.
A four-year-old girl got a lovely surprise at her birthday party when her new toy started swearing its head off at her. Alicia Bell from Peterborough got an unexpected vocabulary extension when her new doll started screaming “arse” in the middle of her party. Alicia’s mum Sam immediately confiscated the offending toy, but it was too late. “We’ll be in town and Alicia starts shouting ‘a**e, a**e’, it’s so embarrassing,” she groaned. Maker Character Options has said that the Bells should return the doll to them for assessment – after all, the function that says “bollocky pissnuts” might not be working properly.
Efforts to get kids in England eating more healthily are being held back by dodgy cookery lessons. School inspectors Ofsted reckon pupils spend too little time learning how to cook decent meals and end up making buns and pizzas or designing icing on cakes. Which may explain why there are so many fat bastards in Blighty these days.
The crappers at Long Lartin, one of Britain’s top five high security prisons, have been slammed as ‘grossly inadequate’ by a new report. Inspectors making a secret visit to the Worcestershire jail found 60 per of inmates had no in-cell toilet – and they also found parcels of shit thrown from windows, littering the ground. Sadistic hard-as-nails governor Nick Leader said the prison provided ‘reasonable’ sanitation for inmates with 24-hour access to bogs and buckets in their rooms. But Anne Owers, the chief inspector of prisons, said the night sanitation system stopped the hellhole from having a ‘decent environment’.
A certifiable lunatic has died after deciding to leap from an electricity pylon with a shoddy parachute strapped to his back. A 25-year-old man was attempting to BASE jump from a 670ft pylon in Greentithe Marshes, Kent, when it all went badly wrong. Police are investigating the death, but reckon the parachute may be at fault. “There is nothing to suggest the man was electrocuted,” said a copper as he waited in the queue at the doughnut shop. “It is not believed the incident is suspicious — it seems the group were out having a bit of fun.”
Sitting in the sun all day, scoffing strawberries and cream has obviously taken its toll, and the spectator seating at Wimbledon is to be made wider to accommodate all the portly patrons. After discovering that even the seats in British Airways’ economy class were considerably bigger than the tiny plinths that tennis fans are forced onto, the All England Lawn Tennis Club sprung into action. The new seats will have an extra two inches of arse room, and will be ready for this year’s tournament.
Defence secretary John Reid went all Winston Churchill on us this week after declaring the ‘end of the beginning’ of British involvement in the war-torn country. Reid told MPs that 800 of the UK’s 8,000-strong force will not be replaced when fresh troops are sent out in May. But, with the third anniversary of the invasion coming up this week, Reid insisted that Britain wouldn’t be rushing out of Iraq any time soon. “We will stay as long as we are needed, and wanted, and until the job is done,” he said, still not realising that no-one in Iraq has ever actually wanted us there.
A 31-year-old bloke has been charged with the murders of three kids and a man who were killed in an explosion at their home. The suspect was nabbed by coppers just hours after the blast that killed Roderick Hine, 44, and his girlfriend’s three children – aged seven, ten and 16. Initial post-mortems found that all four had been poisoned by carbon monoxide after breathing in smoke. The kids’ poor mum, Amanda, wasn’t in the house - in Cheddleton, near Leek, Staffordshire – at the time.
Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown has labelled claims that he nicked ideas for his best-selling novel as total bollocks. Bitter duo Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh have accused Brown of lifting huge chunks of their 1982 book The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail – which claims that Jesus married and had a sprog. Brown admitted making a ‘playful tribute’ to the pair by using their names for a dastardly character in his book, which has sold over 40 million copies worldwide. But the 41-year-old told London’s High Court: “I remain astounded by the claimants’ choice to launch a plagiarism suit. For them to suggest I have hijacked and exploited their work is simply untrue and absurd.” Brown’s book has been turned into a film, starring Tom Hanks, and is due out in UK cinemas in May, meaning his pockets will be lined even more.
The son of a British couple found slaughtered in their house on Crete has been nicked on suspicion of killing them. Ryan Johnson, 32, was hauled in by the local fuzz after parents Terry and Josephine were found dead near Hania, on the west of the Greek island. A coroner’s report revealed that Mr Johnson, 53, had suffered three stab wounds to the throat, blows to the head and been strangled, while Mrs Johnson, 54, was just strangled. Lucky her. The couple had moved to the island last year from Newlyn, Cornwall. Rumours circulating the area were that a family rift had developed because Ryan was gay.
Cheating toff kids at prestigious Oxford University are risking undermining the worth of their degrees, with reports surfacing that they are the biggest cheats in the country. Apparently the rich students have been copying work from the internet and passing it off as their own. Senior proctor Alan Grafen, the university’s chief disciplinary officer, told the Daily Telegraph: “Hard though it may be to believe, students type word-for-word, and increasingly copy-and-paste from the internet, and submit essays containing whole pages of this verbatim material.” Never one to pass the buck, the university is blaming schools for the problem, saying that they encourage children to submit “work in class that is more or less cobbled together from the internet.” Desperate measures are called for, so the university is making the students sign a declaration that all work is their own when they hand it in. Sounds like that’s really going to scare the students into honesty.
Fanatical hook-handed terrorist-lover Abu ‘Abs’ Hamza is boasting about how buff he’s getting now he’s in prison. The previously tubby hate-preacher is obsessing over getting the perfect body through a series of stretches and exercises now that he’s behind bars for the next seven years. Even family members have said that it’s hard to recognise him since he’s lost over three stone through a diet of prison food and toning his abs. Relative Mohammed Kamel Mostafa said: “He was grumbling about the food but we laughed when he said he would soon have a six-pack.” Hamza was found guilty of incitement to murder and a series of race-hate offences the other month. Perhaps if prison is agreeing with him so much he should consider staying there longer.
Victims of terrorist attacks abroad who have been attempting to scrounge money out of the British government have been told that they should try suing Osama bin Laden instead. The families of Brits killed in al-Qaeda suicide bomb attacks in Egypt, Turkey, Bali and Saudi Arabia have been told to try and seek damages from the perpetrators of the attacks. Despite the attacks not being on British soil, and not being carried out by anyone British, the bereaved families for some reason expect the British Government to shell out a load of cash as compensation. Understandably, Tony Blair’s cohorts have shrugged their shoulders and said: “Er, on what grounds, exactly?”
Crazy folk at Hinckley and Bosworth Council have fined a tidy Leicestershire man for putting rubbish in a bin. Andy Tierney decided to throw his unwanted junk mail into a public bin on his way to work but was later hit with a £50 fine from the council. The shocked 24-year-old from Hinckley was told that “domestic refuse from your property was dumped into a street litter bin” and now he had to pay the money. The council had tracked him down from his address on the junk mail.
British Transport Police have launched a crackdown on knife-wielding Scouse bastards who like to annoy the f*** out of long-suffering rail travellers. Airport-style metal detectors have been introduced at Liverpool Lime Street and Southport stations and the bill said they will also be used at different stations across Merseyside, particularly when Liverpool and Everton are in action. The scheme was trialled successfully for six weeks in London in February.
Fine Gael politician Billy Timmins is urging the government to allow midgets and petite birds into the Irish Defence Forces. Recruits have to be at least 5ft 4in to join up at the moment, but Timmins reckons the figure is too high and discriminates against the ladies – especially as the US army’s minimum height requirement is only 4ft 10in. Timmins thinks the army should switch to a Body Mass Indicator (BMI) as a more suitable measurement, adding: “As far as I can see, there is no good reason for the Irish Army’s requirement to be so far above our US counterparts.” Defence Minister Willie O’Dea said the restriction is due to medical advice on the carrying of heavy military equipment. And he was overhead saying: “That bloody Timmins. He’ll do anything to get into women’s knickers.”
Taoiseach Bertie Ahern admits life in Ireland can be pretty shitty at times – but insists crime is not out of control. Ahern said it was disappointing that shootings were continuing, especially as record levels of funding for crime prevention had been introduced. He reckons there is already a ‘huge detection rate’ when it comes to crime, but said there were many more ‘very, very vicious people and that’s what we have to contend with’. Ahern said his government needs to get tougher with nasty bastards and is planning new changes dealing with gun laws in the new Criminal Justice Bill.
Defence minister Willie O’Dea has been asked to help end a 45-year mystery over what happened to the body of an Irish peacekeeper murdered in the Congo. Trooper Patrick Mullins went MIA in the African country in 1961 and his family wants the government to pull their finger out and find out where his final resting place was. Trooper Mullins, from Kilbehenny, Co Cork, was killed just 13 months after joining the army when his armoured car was hit by heavy fire as it protected an Irish unit on patrol. However, his body was never recovered.
The number of sickos on the Irish sex offenders’ register has rocketed up to 884, less than five years after it was introduced. Concerned opposition parties, desperate to make political capital out of the news, have teamed up with child protection agencies to call for a review of legislation. Fine Gael justice spokesman Jim O’Keefee fumed in a fake way: “It’s time we reviewed the operation of the register. “There may be a case for greater monitoring of offenders by the authorities. “Unfortunately there is a question of resources and it is up to the Government to provide those.” O’Keefe reckons that, in some circumstances, if a convicted paedo or rapist is released early, they should be forced to wear an electronic tag for three years.
In an act of treachery on a par with saying you don’t like bulldogs or punching Dame Judi Dench in the face really hard, the Kaiser Chiefs have refused to do the England football team’s World Cup anthem. The multi-million selling band had been in negotiations with the FA to do the official anthem for the England side’s campaign, but cleverly realising that the official song is artistic death, have decided to wash their hair instead. Realising that Three Lions and World In Motion are unlikely to be topped, the Kaisers said: “The only writing we’ll be doing in the next few months will be for our next album. We have no plans to write the England football team’s World Cup song. We are sorry to dispel the myth.” In abandoning their country when it needed them most, the band have now installed Leicester outfit Kasabian and gurning fat boy Peter Kay as favourites for the dubious honour.
Lesbian Spice Mel C may not be racking up the hits in Blighty, but is finding tone deaf fans in other parts of the world. The screechy-voiced Scouse singer has just gone to Spain to promote her new album Beautiful Intensions. Proving that Europeans will listen to any old cack, her album has just reached number one in Portugal and her single, First Day of My Life, is number six in Sweden.
Plastic pin-up Pamela Anderson has come up with a great solution to the problem of where to write down that fit bloke’s phone number when you’ve got no paper - just use your boobs. Quick thinking Pammie saved precious copping-off time, by offering her tit to American rap artist Ray J when he suggested he’d give her his phone number. The silicone star gave up searching for paper in London hotspot club Kabaret, probably feeling smug in the knowledge that her breast would certainly provide ample space, even for an international number.
Teen man-jockey Lindsay Lohan has told Teen magazine that she desperately needs a boyfriend with a good sense of humour. Not because of the laughable state of her acting career but because she has so much emotional baggage. Full-time slapper Lohan, who has recently slept with more celebrities than Jodie Marsh, says: “Sleeping around is not something that interests me, but the act of love is an amazing thing. “It’s groovy. You’ve gotta have some fun and let those emotions out.” The insatiable 19-year-old has recently been shagging Sean Lennon, Jared Leto and Jonathan Rhys Myers but has yet to find anyone who will commit to more than a one night stand.
It’s a case of “goodbye children” now that highbrow comedy show South Park has just lost the voice of one of their main characters after Issac Hayes has announced he is leaving. They’ve ripped the piss out of Muslims, Christians, Mormons, Jews, pensioners, celebrities, and just about any social group you can name but attacking Scientology is taking it too far according to musician Hayes who is a devoted follower of the religion made famous by crazy midget Tom Cruise. In a move that shows just how intolerant Scientologists are, Hayes, who played Chef, has released a statement saying: “Religious beliefs are sacred to people and at all times should be respected and honored. As a civil-rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices.” In response to Hayes, geeky show creator Matt Stone said: “This has nothing to do with intolerance and bigotry and everything to do with the fact that Isaac Hayes is a Scientologist and that we recently featured Scientology in an episode of South Park.”
Scrotum-skinned actress Sharon Stone clearly has the hots for dogging fanatic footballer Stan Collymore and is of the firm opinion he is a Hollywood star in the making. The shaven headed wife beater makes his movie debut with her in the pointless sequel to Basic Instinct. The opening scenes of Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction show slack badgered Sharon 48, and Stan getting down to some chandaleer-swinging sex. Speaking at a press conference to launch the film, Shazza, who was already necking champagne at 10.30am, slurred: “Working with Stan was so extraordinary. “He is the loveliest, most chivalrous, most charming and most professional person.” Meanwhile Stan, who now fancies himself as Sir Antony Hopkins, is planning to go to acting classes so he can hit the big time. Hiding a can of Stella behind his back, he mumbled: “My acting career is going well. I’m casting for other roles. I’d like to spend some time in the States and do a six-month acting course.”
Desperate little spod Declan Donnelly says he might resort to the internet in order to find himself a woman. The vertically challenged presenter says he needs to find a girl to take to Ant Partlin’s wedding in June. Dec has been single since splitting with long-term love Clare Buckfield, 29, two years ago. “Honestly, I’m still single, still looking. I may even start going on the internet,” he said, eyes wide with panic. Dec says finding a woman is not the only thing on his mind - he’s worried about his best man’s speech. He quivered: “Standing up in front of everyone scares me the most of all.” o the role.”
Voodoo sorcerer Tom Cruise and his zombie-like partner Katie Holmes have taken part in a ludicrous wedding ceremony on a ship. The two brainwashed fanatics exchanged rings emblazoned with triangular Scientology symbols. Fellow cult members John Travolta and Kirstie Alley witnessed the ceremony. Katie, 27, who is due to squeeze out a sprog in a few weeks, entered to a traditional bridal march (arms outstretched, eyes staring intently at an imaginary spot in the distance.) Afterwards they feasted on steak and lobster. Tom plans to trap Katie for good when they marry for real later this year.
Not wanting to be outdone by fellow Oscar winner, Reese Wetherspoon - who recently announced she will work as a pizza delivery girl - pensioner-lover Catherine Zeta-Jones has taken to waiting on tables as research for an upcoming film role. The Welsh grandad shagger Catherine managed to fool most customers at Fiamma restaurant where she took customers orders and laughed off comments that she looked like a celebrity saying: “Oh I get that all the time.” Catherine’s boss for the night, Michael White who clearly thought he was in with a chance of bedding the Welsh beauty couldn’t say enough to sing the praises of her culinary skills: “She’s been doing a lot in the kitchen - sauteing and cutting. She’s a great garnisher. Drizzling oil and balsamic on plates - she does a nice job.” At least she’s getting plenty of experience in waiting on people hand and foot, it will come in handy when her doddering aging husband Michael Douglas can no longer function without full-time care – think of the money they’ll save.
Up his own arse actor Russell Crowe has revealed that his wife Danielle is soon to squeeze out another sprog. The couple already have one son, Charlie, 2, and Russell told US chat show host Jay Leno that their second child is due this summer. Delighting the sycophantic whooping crowd of yanks in the studio audience the pompous cock-smoker added that Charlie has come up for some unusual names for his little brother, telling Jay: “His first option was Pumpkinhead. But then the next day he changed it to Stinky.” Russell also revealed that he would be in the delivery room recording the gory scenes with a video camera when his son is born.
Charlize Theron has given herself more time to leaf through the scripts of more worthy-but-dull films by ditching her bloke, McDonalds trainee Stuart Townsend. The Irish actor, whose not had a decent film role for roughly 30 years, has been given the flick by the South African Oscar-winner, with “work commitments” being cited as the reason. The pair had been together for five years, but now Charlize can look forward to spending the new months splashed across the gossip mags, being linked to every man she comes within a ten mile radius of.
Obviously not worried about making him feel like an eight year old, Britney Spears has reportedly put her thick as pig shit husband Kevin Federline on an allowance. Apparently the portly trailer-trash pop diva is to give Kevin a set amount each month for personal use for items such as clothes, nightclubs, booze and any day-to-day activities (more booze.) A conveniently placed source sitting next to the lazy hack on the New York Post said: “Any big items - cars, or trips that go over allowance - need to be approved by Brit herself. “She acknowledges she has made a great deal of money. However, she is trying to show Kevin that he needs to be responsible and curb his out-of-control spending habits.” You must be a proud man Kevin.
Desperate Housewives cumbucket Eva Longoria has been doing her best to get some attention by saying that she has crushes her co-stars Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson and Eva Mendes. Eva, 30, whose character Gabrielle is a total slut in Wisteria Lane, giggled: “They come to my place loads of times. That’s our gang. They’re my crushes. I have intense love for these women.” The actress who’s currently knobbing basketball ace Tony Parker also reveals that she finds out about her love life by surfing the net. She snorted: “I’m always reading that I’m supposed to be getting engaged every week. The whole guest list and a description of the ring is there.”
Much to the chagrin of lonely, horny blokes everywhere surfing the net for celebrity porn, Closer director Mike Nichols admitted he burnt some raunchy scenes of Natalie Portman in the movie to stop them falling into the wrong hands. The dirty little minx played a pole dancer in the film, but unfortunately, her topless scenes didn’t make it into cinemas. “I will not allow myself to be on a porn site… I don’t want to be used by someone else for turning me into something that I’m not,” she said stomping her foot. “But I was doing everything because I knew that Mike was going to get my permission about everything and show me everything and talk to me. “He was like: ‘That stuff’s going to be burned if we don’t use it.’” Thanks a bunch Mike.
Foul mouthed rocker Liam Gallagher has been having a pop at everyone in sight again, this time targeting the England football team who are apparently a bunch of “gay boys” with no chance of winning the World Cup. Liam, 33, said: “I’m not one of those people who are that patriotic when it comes to the England team. I think that if you play direct football and deserve to win, you win. “At times the England players seem to play like women. Beckham and others, they’re gay boys.” Speaking ahead of Oasis’s South American tour, Liam also took a pop at U2 and the Rolling Stones, who recently played in front of a million people in Rio. He snorted: “They’re the biggest bands in the world, without doubt. The Stones are big. They fill stadiums and they’re in tune with the times. I respect them but their songs are a pile of crap. “As for U2, I don’t understand what they’re doing. They’re rock stars - for me, they don’t say a lot. They don’t seem like normal people.”
Raunchy stick insect Christina Aguilera says she still hopes to be wearing leather chaps when she is a pensioner. Christina first flashed her tight little ass in her Dirrty video. “I’ll whip them out when I’m 60 and hopefully I’ll be able to get those suckers on,” she giggled, as a bunch of guys with six packs performed somersaults in the background. Not without a slight hint of hypocrisy, she also criticised younger stars who party too much. Wiping a dash of powder from her nose, she added: “I’m on a different schedule to the new girls. I hide out for a year in my studio. I’m not naming names, but it’s more about the party scene with some of those girls than doing anything creative.”
Long time hippy and host of the world’s most well-known music festival, Michael Eavis, has revealed that he’s in talks with cheesy rockers Dire Straits to perform at Glastonbury in 2007. The ageing windbags have been approached by Glasto organisers and may be belting out cheesy classics like Money For Nothing and, er, their other ones at the next festival. On a radio show, Eavis also bullshitted speculation that wrinkly Mick Jagger and the Stones will play in 2007. He said: “The Stones have never done it because they go for the money basically, and we can’t afford to pay more than a couple of hundred thousand for the top stars. They don’t work for less than half a million.”
Pasty-faced singer Jack White of The White Stripes is set to sue the London Art Gallery. The pissed off singer is reacting like a spoilt brat to artwork by former Buff Medways singer Billy Childish, who had previously slagged off The White Stripes’ music in a magazine interview. A poster made by Childish as a tribute to the pair’s public spat showed an imaginary boxing match between Bitter ‘Billy’ Childish and Jack ‘Whingy’ White. Living up to his whinging name the singer’s lawyers are claiming that the poster violates the band’s intellectual property. Baffled gallery owner Steven Lowe said: “It was just a bit of fun but these people don’t seem to have a sense of humour… I’ve written to the White Stripes management to see exactly what copyright we’re infringing.”
Hopeful new indie band The Modern, who were tipped to quickly gain the success currently enjoyed by Sheffield wizz kids the Arctic Monkeys, have been told that they haven’t got a hope in hell of getting into the UK singles charts. Their hotly tipped single Industry was set to reach number 13 until their single experienced “unusual sales patterns.” Roughly translated: In a bid to help secure a future of cash, admiration and fast cars their friends and family had gone crazy ordering copies of the single through an online store to try and get them to number one When the Official UK Charts Company realised that the single was far too crap to be this popular, they traced the sales and found that nearly all were in some way linked to the band. In a bid to try and retain some dignity, the disgraced family-loving band have asked fans not to go crazy buying their album when it’s released in May.
Proving that no publicity is bad publicity, Wafah Dufour - Osama Bin Laden’s niece - has signed up to be a reality TV star. In an effort to dispel the myth in America that all the Bin Ladens are terrorists, Dufour has signed up to have her own show based on her life as a singer. “I understand that when people hear my last name, they have preconceived notions, but I was born an American, and I love my country” says the daughter of Osama bin Laden’s half-brother Yeslam Bin Ladin. Dafour is clearly being used as a marketing toy for ReganMedia who produced other reality shows such as Growing Up Gotti and Jenna Jameson’s Confessions seeing as music industry insiders are saying that they have never heard of her. A music industry big shot has been quoted as saying: “The only reason anyone is doing a reality show on her is because she’s Bin Laden’s niece.”
Piss-taking popstar Pink has hit out against comments by the press that she is fat. The portly singer, whose latest video Stupid Girl pokes fun at seriously obese twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, said: “People often refer to me as fat, and it has taken a long time for me to come to terms with that.” After taking a break to munch on a pork pie, she added: “I have the same thoughts as everybody else. But I’m athletic, strong, fit and healthy.”
A grand don’t come for free, according to super scally Mike Skinner of The Streets, but that doesn’t mean that a gig doesn’t. The Streets will play a free gig in London later this week but are keeping the location quiet, no doubt to stop armies of chavs lining up to get hold of free tickets so that they can tout them off for ridiculous amounts of money. Fans are being invited to register online to be in with a chance of winning an invite to the exclusive show where they will be taken to the gig on boats.
Desperate former Take That joker Howard Donald is convinced Blobby Williams will appear on stage for the band’s reunion. Drippy Donald is linking up with his former band-mates for a one-off tour this summer and reckons raging megalomaniac Williams will join in the fun. “I know it’ll happen,” squeeled Donald, who was arguably the most useless and forgettable member of the 1990s boy band. “If he doesn’t come on stage with us on this tour, I know at some point Robbie will once more. We all know how successful Rob’s been with his solo career but then again he’s got lots of good memories from his time in the band. “He’s very proud of his roots so why wouldn’t he?”
So that the Yanks on the other side of the pond don’t think we Brits are a bunch of pug-ugly scruffy scallys, the Arctic Monkeys were given a make-over before they appeared on an American TV show. The usual “don’t give a shit” look was replaced by expensive hair styling and more than a touch of make-up on lead singer Alex Turner in the glossy Americanized version of the Arctic Monkeys. Looking more over-done than Lily Savage is a risk that the Sheffield band is probably willing to take seeing that we are pinning all our musical hopes on them. After all the American music market is harder for a British group to get into than it is for Jade Goody to fit into a size 10. So far they have managed to reach number 24 in the US charts with Whatever People Say I Am That’s What I’m Not, making it the highest ever entry for a debut indie CD. Maybe Alex should layer on the slap more often.
Crack ho Courtney Love is insisting that she and Alan Partridge actor Steve Coogan are still together even though he insists that they have never even had a relationship. Following reports last year that the drug crazed Love was up the duff with Coogan’s love child – which were later understandably denied by Coogan and even Love (once the publicity stopped) she is now claiming that they are still loved up. Although Love admits that she’s been acting like a right slapper, she still thinks that they are a model couple with a lasting relationship. Known for talking utter shite she is quoted as saying: “I also have a few other irons in the fire. After all I’m not in love with Steve. But we are still really close. “He is a great friend - and so cool. It’s amazing we’re still together. I’m so proud.” Wow, Steve’s a lucky man.
Gwen Stefani, the woman who gives hope to flat-chested girls around the world, is planning to add another mediocre accomplishment to her list. The Harajuku obsessed star, whose preoccupation with Japanese culture makes Tom Cruise’s Scietology preaching look subtle, is in talks to launch her own magazine. She met with Jane Pratt, founder of schmaltzy American magazine Jane, to discuss creating a magazine for women over 35.
Forgotten guitarist Graham Coxon, who hasn’t had much publicity since Blur’s heyday in the Brit pop era, has decided to bitch out overplayed singer James Blunt in a bid to grab some much needed headlines. Coxon who clearly needs to boost flagging public interest as he’s just released a new album Love Travels At Illegal Speeds has called squawking posh lad Blunt shallow and insipid. He’s described the soppy singer’s lyrics as: “The sort of thing you’d write on a card if you were sending flowers.” Geeky guitarist Coxon then went on to say: “Perhaps Blunty is healthier than me. I find that straight, sincere talk embarrassing. He might be great chatting up a girl – I’m not. There’s a loser element to what I write about.” With Blunt’s wet lyrics and Coxon’s lame attempt at slagging off we can certainly expect to see a world class Liam Gallagher-type fight happening if these two hard men of pop ever get together.
Cheesy sell-out kids Green Day, who are about as hard-core punk as McFly, have come under fire from grandfather of punk Johnny Rotten. Johnny bitched out Green Day saying that they would never have made it back in the 70s when his band reigned supreme. He said: “They’re sticky tape on a duck’s arse.” The eloquent wordsmith then went on to say: “We made it easy for them to come in and nick things from us. Silly fat kids.” His words might have carried more weight if they weren’t coming from a man who recently appeared on the mother of all cringe-worthy reality TV shows I’m a Celebrity, a show only reserved for B group celebs who sign up in a last ditch attempt to save a flagging career. Billie Joe and the gang, who have come under fire in the past for being sellout media whores, have yet to respond to Johnny’s remarks.
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