.: Cath’s Blog:.

Proving once and for all that CCTV does in fact have a purpose, Police in Northumbria are being investigated after reports that they are selling nude photos of people who stripped off for a photo shoot last year. Nearly 2000 naked Northerners stripped off in Newcastle in July last year for renowned Yankee artist Spencer Tunick who specialises in taking photographs of groups of people in the buff. It now turns out that the pictures of the event caught on the CCTV camera are being sold off as dirty photographs in local pubs. Deputy Chief Constable David Warcup, has confirmed that all police are about as honest as the criminals they arrest. He said: “We’ve spoken to a number of officers and police staff and as a result two (civilian) members of police staff have been suspended.” Tunick has tried to make the stars of the CCTV footage feel better by saying: “I want them, and everyone, to know that I made some wonderful work here in Newcastle/Gateshead and I’m very excited to share the results with the public.” That’s exactly what the police were thinking too.

An evil ex-prostitute murdered her elderly husband after releasing he wasn’t as loaded as she thought he was. Estonian-born Tatjana Edwards, 27, is facing life behind bars after being found guilty of killing hubbie Gwyn, 72. The pair met in romantic fashion – in a north London brothel – before pensioner Gwyn managed to snare her after making out he was a multi-millionaire. But their idyllic life went tits-up when she found out he was a bull-shitter who wasn’t rich at all and constantly broke promises. During a final row about money, Tatjana plunged a kitchen knife into Gwyn and killed him at their home in Otthershaw, Surrey. As the guilty verdict was announced at Southwark Crown Court, Edwards gasped, buried her head in her hands and collapsed, sobbing inconsolably. Serves the greedy bitch right.

A sicko who showed off photos of himself abusing a drugged-up teenage girl has been jailed for seven-and-a-half years. Basingstoke rapist Simon Phelan, 41, also bragged he used chloroform to knock out his 17-year-old victim. The amateur photographer was busted after his boss, who was sickened by the photos, grassed him up to the girl’s boyfriend, who went on to tell the police. Phelan admitted two counts of rape, sexual assault and taking and distributing indecent photos of a child before Winchester beak. Det Con Daniel Roberts said: “The effect on the victim has been pretty dramatic, inevitably. She was totally violated by someone she trusted.”

In an ironic turn of events, sleep deprived residents in a small seaside town in Scotland, are demanding that the latest device installed to scare away squawking seagulls be removed because it’s noisier than the actual birds. Fed-up Fraserburgh dwellers, who have long been plagued by flocks of the rowdy birds, were told by experts that the new device, a loudspeaker that plays a recording of a gull’s distress call, is supposed to get rid of the creatures once and for all. Now the move has backfired as the noise is keeping the locals awake all night. Shattered looking resident Jim Fraser said: “The recording is more of a nuisance than the seagulls. “You don’t hear the birds at night, but you can still hear the tape. It’s a loud, alarming noise which is not very bird-like. It’s not nice and it makes it almost impossible to get any sleep.” The device was installed by a dumb-ass developer who made the mistake of building the local shopping centre with flat roofs. He installed the latest botched device after a series of feather-brained deterrents, including robotic falcons, failed to scare the gulls.

Blair’s big brother government’s latest attempt to get all our personal details on ID cards has been defeated again, after the for once sensible House of Lords voted to make the scheme voluntary until 2011. It means that until then, we have a choice whether or not the government can have our biometric details on their system, as well as all information about where we’ve lived, other documents numbers, and probably shoe size, weight, ex-partners and other ridiculous personal details. From 2012 the government are planning to make us all have them when we apply for our passports or passport renewals, despite reports telling them that ID cards will not stop terrorists.

A freed British hostage cried his eyes out after escaping from an Iraqi hellhole following four months inside, his wife has revealed. North Londoner Norman Kember, 74, was nabbed by rebels in Baghdad last November, but he – and two Canadian peace activists - found themselves free last week after a rescue operation by Allied forces. Norman’s wife Pat said: “He was very, very pleased to be free, but he was very emotional in talking to me.”

Pot-smoking Prince Harry has again made the headlines, this time for allegedly cheating on his South African girlfriend Chelsy Davy. The pair are reportedly going on a romantic getaway to try and patch up their doomed relationship, which started after a fumble in a tent last year. The Prince was seen taking a Swedish student up to his hotel room on a recent skiing holiday, but Royal aides managed to convince his girlfriend that it was Harry’s friend who shagged the Swedish slapper. The piss-head prince rarely sees the blonde beauty and only calls her when he’s drunk in night clubs, with the obligatory “I love you” dribble that winos frequently yell to anyone within a five metre radius. Whisking Chelsy away will probably be a fumbled effort to try and explain why he hasn’t invited her to his upcoming Sandhurst passing-out parade and ball.

In a case that proves how ineffective the UK legal system is, it has been revealed that the four killers who took part in the torture, rape and kidnap of Mary-Ann Leneghan, were already on probation for other offences. The case has forced dim-witted Home Secretary Charles Clarke to examine the flaws in a system that has already led to several other high-profile killings this year, all committed by criminals who were on probation. Mary Ann and her friend were tortured by the gang for three hours before being stabbed and shot and left for dead. Mary-Ann died but her friend, who cannot be named for legal reasons, survived being shot in the head and has given evidence against them. They will be sentenced this month.

A skint English hospital is sending its correspondence to be typed up India as it can’t afford to hire experienced secretaries. The University Hospital of North Staffordshire is trying the scheme out on a one-month trial. Letters are dictated digitally, sent to a unit in India, typed up and returned electronically within 24 hours. A trust lackey said it had been difficult to recruit medical secretaries and there had been an increase in patient numbers. But he added: “Even if it were possible to recruit the right secretaries, the trust is not in a position to do so in its current financial climate.”

A pair of dopey brothers were jailed for benefit fraud after fiddling the system while working as bouncers. Max and Paddy – aka Gregory and Michael Hall – raked in thousands of pounds of taxpayers’ money while claiming they were too poorly to work. Jujitsu expert Gregory, 35, also held martial arts classes and displayed skills on his own website, including doing waist-high kicks and fighting opponents. He claimed he had a knee injury and depression, while brother Michael, 42, reckoned his bad back prevented him from working.

A cocky Scotsman has turned his local council into a laughing stock by refusing to pay his £80,000 parking fines. The clueless council have admitted that they have no idea how to make the fine-dodging man cough up the cash. Happy-go-lucky driver Sandy Gillespie, has been bragging to friends in his local pub that he has had nearly 1,000 parking tickets in the last three years. The desperate council have tried to track him down numerous times, but Gillespie has so far managed to evade the fines by changing his car more than six times and making sure his house and property are all put under his girlfriend’s name. After tearing up his latest parking ticket and giving a passing traffic warden the V sign, the law-abiding Gillespie said: “My new trick is to park down a side street close to a wall so they can’t get near it with the tow truck. I have had loads of demand letters from sheriff officers. We’ve had the bailiffs round but my girlfriend, Tracy, tells them I’m not in.”

The disastrous attempt to rebuild Wembley stadium hit a new low last week when a 50-ton beam collapsed and threatened to bring the roof down. Thousands of workers dropped their tools and scarpered after the incident, which would have been worse had it not been for supporting cables. A faulty weld was blamed for the accident. Controversy has dogged the project since work began in September 2002, with the price tag doubling from £325million to £757million after a series of cock-ups. Aussie firm Multiplex were supposed to have completed the rebuilding in time for this May’s FA Cup final, but the work has been so shit that it will not be ready until later this year.

A window-washing beggar has been given an ASBO for licking CCTV cameras. Crazy lunatic Keith Farran, would demand drivers give him money for smearing a bucket of dirty water over their windscreens and if they refused, he would dance around like a mad man, gesticulating and then start attacking defenceless CCTV cameras with his tongue. Police in Stockton decided enough was enough, when they could no longer watch the amusing daily performance because the spit smears left on the cameras prevented them from having a clear view.

A Portuguese predator who tried to feed goats on London Tube trains has been banned from the underground – and told he may be thrown in the slammer. Bernard Da Coceicao used his satchel to hide his hand while trying to unzip ladies’ trousers on the Victoria and Piccadilly lines. The disgusted victims only realised what the old groper was doing when they felt a ‘light pressure’ on their groins. Middlesex Guildhall Crown Court convicted the 35-year-old pervert of indecent and sexual assaults and told him to stay away from the Tube until he is sentenced in May. Judge Simon Smith warned the Enfield resident that a jail sentence was likely.

Shy, retiring wannabe monk Colin Farrell has been getting his kit off again, this time to make Salma Hayek feel comfortable. The Mexican stunner was scared of Farrell’s VD-ravaged reputation before filming love scenes in new flick Ask the Dust, but says Colin had a novel way of putting her at ease. “I finally came out of the dressing room, all covered up and Colin’s completely naked, jumping around in the sand doing ballet dances,” said Hayek. “I started laughing and it relaxed me,” she added, before claiming that Farrell behaved like a perfect gentlemen towards her. Yes, Salma, but you didn’t see what he was doing while you were asleep…

Simon Cowell wannabe Louis Walsh has publicly declared that Westlife’s career should really have ended by now. The manager of the musically-challenged boy band has said that he is surprised that they are still managing to get into the charts. The Irish leprechaun went on to say that he didn’t see their career lasting longer than two years when they first started and has been amazed by their success. He said: “It should be all over for a boyband at this stage of their career, but Westlife are getting bigger.” He’s only saying what everyone else is thinking but has the last laugh seeing as he gets a cut of their profits.

Justice Minister Michael McDowell caused a bit of a stir after comparing a leading Fine Gael politician to a Nazi. McDowell was involved in a spat over his record on garda recruitment when Fine Gael deputy leader Richard Burton claimed Dublin got just two extra coppers last year. Dismissing that as a load of old bollocks, Big Daddy Mac went to town Burton, likening him to Nazi propaganda chief Dr Joseph Goebbels. Burton demanded an apology from McDowell and has even gone crying to the Dail, asking it to censure the minister.

Two teenage schoolfriends were killed after a car they were travelling in crashed into a ditch. The kids - Michael Brennan, 14, and Natalie Horan, 13 - were among a group of four pupils who were being driven home after school. The car they were in careered off the road and onto its side into a six-foot ditch at Ballingarry Road, Mullinahone, Co Tipperary about 25 miles from Thurles. Both victims lived near the scene of the accident.

Coke-hovering scumbag Pete Doherty excelled himself again last week by appearing to kick a female reporter in the arm in a fracas outside a London court. The washed-up Libertines singer admitted to seven counts of drug possession inside Thames Magistrates’ Court. As he stumbled out of the building Doherty appeared to boot a microphone out the hand of a BBC reporter, who was later seen clutching her elbow. The singer escaped the throng before screeching off like a total Gary in a Jaguar XJ6. He returns to court for sentencing on April 20.

Big Brother loser and media whore Jodie Marsh has told her fans that she is in love with a schoolteacher. On her website, the self-obsessed boob-flasher has named Dave Thorogood – a music teacher at Moulsham High School in Chelmsford, Essex as her latest conquest. When talking about the loser, she said: “I fancied him from the minute I saw him, but I never admitted it until two weeks ago. All our friends commented on how Dave looks like Jake Gyllenhaal I thought if I didn’t admit to fancying him someone else would nab him.” Headline-chaser Marsh said that she couldn’t understand how pupils at Dave’s school had found out that they were shagging. But then she used powers of deduction that would have put Miss Marple to shame, saying: “Maybe it was when we saw a couple of sixth formers from his school and I snogged him in front of them.”

Potty-mouthed actress Kate Winslet has impressed Sopranos chief fat bloke James Gandolfini by spurting filth like a particularly excitable Tourettes sufferer. The co-stars were asked to ad-lib some filth talk on the set of new film Romance and Cigarettes, but Gandolfini reckons he didn’t have a chance of keeping pace with the British saucemonger. “I remember being underneath Kate and she was chatting away - she kept going and going and going,” said the mafia impostor. “Every time she’d make up new stuff, the director would say ‘keep going’ - and she really went for it.”

In a bid to grab some much needed publicity since gaining only a handful of film roles in the last couple of years, Josh Hartnett has criticised slappers like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan for setting a bad example to young people. Attempting to create a bit of a media slanging match before the release of his two new films, he said: “Looking at my younger brother and sister and their friends, seeing my little sister’s friends looking, like, to Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton - I just don’t think that’s anything to strive for.” He went on to bitch about the current state of popular culture, which is ironic coming from someone who acted in the teen flop 40 Days and 40 Nights, before saying that he was sick of the way that society is obsessed with a “self-oriented, kind of luck-based mentality.” He probably wouldn’t be complaining that much if some of the luck was coming his way.

Supermarket snob Victoria Beckham has lashed out against reports that she will be the new face of frozen food store Iceland. Reports were circulating that chav mother Kerry Katona will soon be replaced by the tone-deaf singer as spokesperson for the budget food store. She was so shocked that anyone would dare mention her and Iceland in the same sentenced that she released an angry denial. Her publicist said: “Victoria would rather cut off her arms and hair extensions than do an Iceland advert. It is 100 percent untrue and I have never heard a more ridiculous rumour.”

Toy-boy lover Cameron Diaz may be trying out another career path as a bin lady. The Trousersnake’s girlfriend was seen collecting rubbish after completing outdoor scenes for her latest film The Holiday. A crew member on set, who presumably preferred to take a fag break rather than help, said: “After shooting was over, she’d always leave the set picking up any stray litter or papers that were left behind”.

Lily Savage’s unattractive alter ego Paul O’Grady has been banned from hosting this year’s Soap Awards by angry ITV bosses. The loud-mouthed scouser was set to present the awards for the third year in a row this May but has pissed off ITV big shots by moving his prime time show to Channel 4. The housewives’ favourite has branded ITV bosses as “petty” insisting that they shouldn’t have taken his move so badly. ITV are already planning to air repeats of Paul’s shows against his new ones on Channel 4 next week in a desperate attempt to reclaim some ratings. The soap awards will now be presented by grandparents’ pick Fern Britton and Philip Schofield.

Pissed-off divorcee Jennifer Anniston has taken all of her ex-hubby’s clothes to a Charity shop, in a final act to show the world she’s moved on. Whilst the world’s press were awaiting the no show Brangelina wedding in Italy, Jen was seen dumping bags of baby-loving Brad’s clothes outside a charity shop in Burbank, California. As soon as the shop assistant realised it was jilted Jen, she rushed out to see what she’d left, presumably to sell on eBay later, but another person had already dumped a bag on top of it so all the clothes were mixed up.

Has-been singer Darren Day, who’s made more of a career out of dating B-list celebs than he ever did out of singing, is finally learning that it’s a bad idea to get a tattoo of your lovers name. The serial shagger has just had his “Suzi Forever” tattoo removed after splitting with flopstar singer Suzanne Shaw of Hear’say in 2005. A customer in the tattoo parlour where dopey Darren was having the work done told The Sun: “Darren was laughing that it was the third time he’s had an ex-girlfriend’s name removed. He has learnt his lesson though, as he had a pattern put on instead of a new name.” The work apparently took over two hours. Drippy Darren has been linked to a host of soapstars including Tracy Shaw (Corrie), Anna Friel (Brookside) and Isla Fisher (Home and Away). A friend reportedly joked: “He should buy a season ticket for the tattooist. It would be a lot cheaper.”

Chavlotte Church is branching out into promotional work that fits right into her health-conscious lifestyle, and is set to appear in a Walkers advert with Gary Lineker. The alcohol-fuelled singer has turned down promotional work in the past, but has now decided that she can advertise the type of food that clearly makes up the main part of her diet. A friend of the crisp-munching Welsh girl said: “Charlotte turns down loads of ads and promotions but she loves crisps and likes the ads, so why not?” According to the Sunday Mirror, she will start filming with big-eared Lineker in a secret location later this week.

Paris Hilton’s divine mission to sleep with every man in the whole world is continuing apace – she’s apparently ditched her latest disgustingly rich Greek shipping heir. The grumble flick star looks like she has kicked Stavros Niarchos to the kerb after a series of rows, and is already looking round for anything that moves. She’s already been spotted canoodling with her ex, and on yet another trip to a Los Angeles nightclub last week, the demure hotel heiress was overheard screeching: “Are there any hot guys here? I need a hot guy.” All class, that girl.

In cast iron proof that spending 40 years stood next to a speaker is not a good thing, Roger Daltrey from The Who has admitted that he is going deaf. The 62-year-old rocker says that he no longer listens to rock music any more, as his hearing is about as functional as the cast of Dad’s Army’s loveguns. Shouting at the top of his voice, Daltrey said: “If I’m playing anything at home, it’s probably classical, mainly because I haven’t got much hearing left. “What I have got left, I want to keep.”

Demonstrating to the world that even singers get sick of their own cheesy lyrics, Sugarbabe Keisha Buchanan, has asked the male population to stop quoting her songs to her as chat-up lines. The fed-up singer has announced, that she is pissed off with men who try to cop with her and the rest of the cack-pop threesome, by using lyrics from their most well-known songs. She said: “When Freak Like Me came out there was a couple saying ‘I’ll be your freak,’ but Push the Button has been the worst. “‘I’d like to push your button’, and ‘Are you gonna push my button?’ and ‘Oooh! I wanna push your button’. That whole pushing the button thing? Fellas, please, stop it. It’s embarrassing.”

Gaunt-faced singer Richard Ashcroft has said that he feels like he’s married to choirboy Chris Martin. Clearly cashing in on Coldplay’s current worldwide over-hype, flailing singer Ashcroft has said to the vegan eating Martin: “I hope you’re comfortable because you might as well be married to me.” Bono wannabe Martin, had already been arse-kissing Ashcroft when he introduced Bitter Sweet Symphony at Live 8 as: “The best song ever written, sung by the best singer in the world.” After the unlikely pairing at Live 8 London, the happy couple are now performing nightly on stage in Canada, though not together – yet. When asked if there was a chance that the two would be singing each other’s praises on stage again, Ashcroft said: “I’ve got nothing planned. But I don’t see why not. I’m not really into We Are The World situations but (Martin’s) a hard man to say no to, so I won’t rule it out.” Being married to the ex-Verve singer may not be on Martin’s to do list, but it would probably be a damn sight more exciting than hanging out with current wife, boring teetotaler Gwyneth.

In an effort to convince the local townsfolk that Columbian people, other than drug barons, can be successful, officials in Barranquilla are erecting a huge statue of local girl Shakira in the town centre. The yodelling singer, who recently announced that her boobs were too small, is making sure that the breasts on the statue are more imposing than the ones on her chest. Made of steel, the statue will be 16 feet tall and it is meant to act as a beacon of hope to people in her town. The booty shaking, flat-chested, Shakira has said: “I want people to think that any girl can start working on her dreams and that they will come true.”

Tourettes sufferer Noel Gallagher has stepped up to defend the Arctic Monkeys, following Morrissey’s comments that their success has come too fast. Moody Mancunian Noel, has told press in Toronto that the Sheffield lads remind him of Oasis when they first started out. He said: “We used to sit and read things about us and think, ‘Are they talking about the same band? Cause we’ve sold a few records but we’ve not sold that many records, and we’re not that popular.’” The incomprehensible mumbler continued: “Just fucking get on with it. If the music didn’t stand up…but you’ve only got to listen to (their) tunes. They’re unique to themselves.” Bitter and confused musician Morrissey, mistakenly thought that the Arctic Monkeys really wanted to be lorry drivers, when he declared earlier this week: “OK they’ve sold about 700,000 albums, but it can’t be gratifying. They haven’t been driving up and down the M1 for fifteen years.”

Michael Stipe has employed the subtlety that he is world-renowned for, and led the field for a protest gig aimed at getting American troops out of Iraq. The bush-baiting baldie headlined a gig in New York that would have doubtlessly made those who support the war think: “Well, I used to agree with it and all that, but now Michael Stipe says it’s bad, I have seen the error of my foolish ways.” The REM frontman’s solo set polished off performances from the likes of Bright Eyes, Rufus Wainwright and Fischerspooner, whilst serial anti-everything protestor Susan Sarandon kept running on stage to rant things. The Bring ‘Em Home gig is merely a blatantly futile prelude to an anti-war speaking tour that is going to preach to the converted across the US in the next month or so.

Maggot from the Goldie Lookin’ Chain – the man who put the question mark after Celebrity in Celebrity? Big Brother – still can’t bring himself to see the light. The Welsh rappers were dropped by their label earlier in the month, largely because they didn’t sell many records, but Maggot reckons there was an ulterior motive. “They got sick of us smoking weed around the office and taking drinks from the fridge,” he claimed, head buried firmly in the sand. “It was petty but we don’t give a f***.”

Everyone’s favourite fad band, the Arctic Monkeys, have well and truly made it now - they have their own spoof tribute act. The chart-storming Sheffield lads have been spoofed by a tribute act calling themselves Artex Monkey. Their bestselling album now features a picture of a monkey smoking a fag on the well-known cover and has been remixed with new lyrics. It is available as downloadable MP3s on the website www.artexmonkey.co.uk. The somewhat overplayed debut single I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor has been transformed to become A Bet Tha Luks Gud On A Pushbike. The ape man behind the spoof is still unknown but on his website he says: “I’m jus laikin abart. Arctic Monkeys a mi favourite band.”

Cheesy Swedish duo Roxette have announced that they will be making a comeback. The cringe-inducing 90s band had given the world a break after singer Marie Fredriksson was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2002. We can now expect more mediocre anthems in the same vein as The Look and It Must Have Been Love now that Fredrinksson has been given the all clear. The mullet lovers, the most successful Swedish band since ABBA, are heading into the studio this summer.

Bez from the Happy Mondays – the modern day Mozart – has proved his unquestionable musical talent yet again by organising the world’s largest maracas ensemble. In a cheap publicity stunt for a new Manchester radio station, the wacky dancing drug casualty got together a measly 407 people to shake the retard’s instrument of choice. This was enough to get it into the increasingly pointless Guinness Book of Records, for which the only entry requirement is to think up something so futile that no other chancing muppet has tried to do it before. Next up, the world record for getting the most people in a bath full of custard, wearing leotards and with a piccolo up their left nostril.

He may be a good choice of CD to put on when trying to score with the girl you brought back to your flat, but James Blunt has proved that he is usless at relationships. The soppy singer’s current relationship with long-suffering girlfriend Camilla Bowler is reportedly on the rocks. She’s apparently getting sick of him jetting off around the world, whilst leaving her at home. Currently in America promoting his squawky-voiced album, the up-his-arse singer is probably unaware that his relationship is going down the shitter. A ‘friend’ of Camilla said: “She loves James, but in her heart of hearts she can’t see how they can have a future together when he’s always jetting around the world”. That sounds like an excuse, she’s probably just as sick of his wobbly singing as we are.

Mime artist Ashlee Simpson has tried to grab more much needed headlines by revealing that she once woke up in a blood splattered room. Instead of the good news we were all hoping for, it turns out that the blood did not belong to the hook-nosed singer. Never one to be a hypochondriac, she was rushed to hospital because she was tired and dehydrated and not because she had been attacked by a maniac with an axe. The world’s press were disappointed when told that the worst she had was bronchitis. It turns out that she was just in a dirty room. She said: “I didn’t go to a nice emergency room - I ended up in one with blood on the walls. Nasty.” She should try listening to her records.

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