A pea-brained benefits cheat has found himself in the nick after blabbing about his deception to a boy racer’s mag. When not fixed to the couch watching Trisha in his y-fronts, mentally-challenged Llewellyn Luce also souped up banged-up cars into luxury vehicles complete with Playstation and Surround Sound TV. However the scrounger was so proud of his work-shy achievements that he decided to tell all to Revs magazine. He commented: “It attracts so much attention it’s daft. I’m fighting off birds, cops and p****d-off girlfriends.” Fraud investigators read this and found out Luce had wangled £12,000 in dole payments whilst pimping other people’s rides for money. Judge Christopher Llewellyn Jones told Luce: “You are a fraudster who has taken advantage of a system which helps people in need.” Luce, of Pontypool, Gwent, fessed up to the crime and was jailed for eight months.
If you needed any more proof that the majority of Britain’s workforce are in a state of terminal boredom, a website set up to monitor daffodils has attracted 90,000 visitors in the days since its launch. The Petal Peek bulb watch, as scintillating as a night on the town with Gwyneth Paltrow, was set up by the Lake District National Park Authority so that internet surfers could cheer up their drab, friendless existences by watching some flowers bloom. High-octane party girl Helen Reynolds came up with the idea after her crazy cat London friends were gagging to know when the daffodils would come out. Fascinatingly, she remarked: “They were surprised when I said late March. They bloom much earlier in the south.”
A gang of expert crims have pulled off the world’s biggest heist, by ramsacking a security depot and escaping with at least £40million. In the carefully-planned operation, the thieves snatched the depot’s manager Colin Dixon on his way home from work by posing as cops, whilst also abducting his wife and son from their home. The robbers then threatened to shoot Mr Dixon’s family unless he cooperated with his plans. Dixon was forced to help them break into the Securitas Depot in Tonbridge, where the bandits tied up all the staff-members and loaded their truck with cash. To add insult to injury, the depot is only 500 yards from West Kent Police headquarters.
A fat-munching slob who chucked his chips out of his car-window has been fined twice as they fell both sides of a council boundary. Expert multitasker Matthew Buer was spotted by a council employee committing the vile crime whilst driving, and was subsequently fined 50 quid by Colchester Borough Council. However, once he’d paid up, a second demand for payment came through from another council because some of the greasy foodstuff had fallen into their district. Tendring council spokesperson Mike Page, currently launching a no-tolerance campaign against doner kebabs, fumed: “We take littering very seriously as a council and will stand by this,” he told U TV. It wasn`t just a few chips, this was chip after chip and the wrapping as well. It covered a fair distance and the employee who was following him obviously took exception and notified both authorities.”
It’s clear that Britain’s car-owners have some severe social problems to work through, with the majority talking to their car regularly and one in five believing that their vehicle has feelings. The poll for the British International Motor show showed that nearly half of women and 37 per cent of men think their car has a personality. Motor show organizer Kirsty Adams, whilst trying to counsel her Fiat Panda for low self-esteem said: “It’s great to see the Brits bond so deeply with their cars.”
Proving once again that you’d be better off sending your mail by carrier piegeon than by using the Royal Mail, 100,000 undelivered letters have been discovered at a work-shy postman’s home. The scam was discovered when a police officer spotted mail bags dotted around the countryside at Penistone, South Yorks. These were traced to a post worker in Barnsley, and his home was then raided by the cops. The envelope enthusiast has been bailed and is awaiting trial. A Royal Mail spokesman said: “The mail will start to be delivered - with a letter of apology - within the next week.”
A plucky firefighter has returned to work, despite losing a leg in a horrific motorcycle accident. Although he may find difficult sliding down the pole with grace and agility, Simon Hawkins has been given the all clear to drive the engine, climb ladders and fight blazes. Hawkins said: “At first I honestly felt as though my life was over. I’d cry myself to sleep and wake up still sobbing. I had always wanted to be a firefighter like my grandfather. After my accident I was not a very nice person to live with. I just moped about.” He added: “I’m just a normal person, not superhuman. I’ve been able to do this because I’ve had great support and a positive attitude.”
A super-pup managed with the survival skills of Road-runner came out of a 90 foot clifftop fall with little more than a bump on the head. Margaret Wilson from Jennycliff, Plymouth thought her golden retriever Thomas was a goner when she saw him leg it through bushes and straight down the sheer drop. However searchers later found the power pooch walking happily around the beach below. Wilson said: “I was expecting him to be badly hurt but to find him safe was just lovely. He was running in and out of the sea and seemed quite stressed. It took me ages to stop crying. I just keep looking at him and thinking: ‘How did you survive that?’”
In a bid to give students the opportunity to study something even more pointless than media studies, Britain’s first casino academy has opened its doors, offering degree courses which will teach wannabe croupiers the tricks of the trade. The intellectually-heavyweight gaming course at Blackpool College has its own training casino with roulette, blackjack, and poker tables, and is monitored by CCTV so the students can study their work. Students will learn how to deal cards, handles bets, and serve greasy food to drunks, in an academically rigorous programme sure to be picked up by Oxbridge within the year. Manageress Colleen McLaughlin, currently offering a lecture series on the geo-political consequences of the fruit machine, said: “We have music playing, noisy slot machines in the background and hustle and bustle as well as reception desk and cash room.”
It seems doctors may have to chuck out their nipple tassles, as a new report has urged hospital staff to get rid of ties and “functionless clothing” in the fight against deadly superbugs like MRSA. The British Medical Association report also said that the dirty medics are not washing their hands enough. Dr Robert Spencer, of the Hospital Infection Society said: “It is absolutely necessary for all healthcare workers to wash their hands and that includes patients and visitors. Doctors are pretty poor actually. The rate went up to about 70 per cent when we said they were being videoed but when we took the pressure off, it dropped to about 40 per cent.”
In the most cack-handed western intervention in Iraq yet, a British company are set to create even middle-eastern turmoil by rebuilding one of the country’s major cities in the likeness of Milton Keynes. Despite the fact that the concrete monstrosity looks like a cast-off from a Doctor Who episode and rivals Wakefield for the title of least charming town in Britain, it’s cack-handed town planners have been left to reconstruct the holy city of Najaf. The 1200 shia city may include a park and ride, a multiplex cinema, and a huge shopping mall, although whether it will recreate the town’s legendary concrete cows has not been confirmed. Company director Martin Crookston said: “Millions of people are going about their daily lives and some of them are getting killed and hurt. But still all the normal things in life must go on. “And if kids are unable to get to school because they’ve not laid out plans for one then what good is that? Urban planning is not the world’s most important priority bar none, but it is important.”
A fun-filled jail has been slammed after hosting its own criminal version of Pop Idol, which was won by a spectacular ass-waggling performance from two perverts dressed as the Cheeky girls. The event, called “Con Idol” saw killers and rapists getting their chance to take on Will and Gareth as fellow crims took the Cowell and Waterman hot-seats. A disgusted insider at HMP Grendon in Buckinghamshire said: “Victims would be appalled. Bosses splashed out on a karaoke machine and big speakers — and laid on a huge spread. It’s barmy convicted killers and rapists can parade around pretending to be Posh Spice on taxpayer’s cash.” However a Prison spokesperson, currently playing Mallet’s Mallett with the GBH wing, said: “HMP Grendon does organise specialist theme evenings — but in the interests of increasing the self-esteem of prisoners.”
Whilst they may need to pop a few Viagra to get their willy wonkas in action, 50 something blokes get more sexual satisfaction than younger men according to a new survey. The research showed that the aging lotharios are far happier in the bedroom than those in their 30s and 40s. They had similar levels of satisfaction to those in their 20s, albeit with a few more problems with sexual functions. However passion apparently fades when a guy hits 60, which may explain why grandpa shagger Catherine Zeta-Jones is such a moody cow these days.
In a desperate attempt to shake its reputation as the ASBO-holders shop of choice, budget superstore Aldi has banned a hatchet-faced mum from entering their stores on the basis that she looks “suspicious”. Andre Green, a spitting image of Addams Family manservant Lurch, was approached by the manager of the store in Colwyn Bay, North Wales whilst licking her lips in delight at the cut-price microwave ovens. Andre fumed: “He came up and said, ‘You’re barred’. I was dumbfounded, but when I asked him to explain he just said ‘No’. “I had to pick up three of my kids from school. But I returned with them later to ask again. He said, ‘I might be mistaken but I’m standing by it, you look suspicious’. I was embarrassed and humiliated and I was ushered out of the store.” More than 200 people in Colwyn Bay, North Wales, have now signed a petition protesting at Andre’s ban, but Aldi have stuck to their guns.
It seems that our nation’s adolescents have decided that babies are, like, so last season, with teenage pregnancies dropping over the past 12 months according to the latest Government figures. They dropped by six per cent over the period, although the rate for women between 40 and 44 increased by 6 per cent. However stats also showed that the number of unmarried women becoming pregnant had risen by 10 per cent, meaning there are bound to be lots more benefit-seeking single mothers to keep the tabloids happily outraged.
A bored northern labourer has finally admitted that he was the infamous Yorkshire Ripper hoaxer known as “Wearside Jack:” When Yorkshire Police were hunting for the Ripper over 25 years ago, they received a series of letters and audio tapes from someone posing as the serial killer. At Leeds Crown Court, Humble fessed up to the crime, but bafflingly denied attempting to pervert the court of justice. His defence lawyer said: “A statement has now been drafted whereby the defence concedes that he wrote the letters and in fact made the tape. The issue now is not one of whether it actually was him, it’s solely the question of intent.”
Our dear old royal family have once again proved they are as racially enlightened as the Klu Klax Klan, after scathing remarks that terminal gaffer Prince Charles made about the Chinese were released in court. In a 3,000 word document entitled The Handover of Hong Kong or The Great Chinese Takeaway, Charles described the handover dinner he attended with the Chinese President in terms that would make Cheryl Tweedy hold her head in shame. He wrote: “After my speech the President detached himself from the group of appalling old waxworks who accompanied him. He gave a kind of propaganda speech loudly cheered by the bussed-in party faithful at the suitable moment.” The document was revealed in court during the Prince’s High Court bid to stop the further publications of his diaries, which are bound to be filled with more prejudice than a Bernard Manning tour.
The appearance of an abscure Irish novel The Third Policeman on the shite television series Lost has thrust one of Ireland’s less celebrated authors into the limelight. The surreal comic novel by Flann O’Brien, an early 20th century author heavily influenced by fellow countryman James Joyce, appeared briefly on the programme last week. After that outing, 10,000 copies of the book, unpublished during the author’s lifetime flew off bookshop shelves in just two days. “It’s been amazing, in three weeks we sold 15,000 copies, the same number as we’d sold in the last six years,” gushed Chad Post, associate director of the Illinois-based Center for Book Culture, which publishes O’Brien’s works in America. While fanning himself with a wad of dollars, he also admitted there had also been increased demand for O’Brien’s other titles, such as At-Swim-Two-Birds, The Dalkey Archive” and The Hard Life. The episode is expected to trigger similar demand for the bizarre book across the Atlantic.
A bus driver has been treated for cuts and bruising after his vehicle was attacked by a bunch of roughians on the outskirts of Belfast. A brick was thrown through the windscreen of the vehicle as it travelled along Pantridge Road, Poleglass, last week Passengers were onboard at the time, but the driver managed to bring the bus under control. Translink’s Billy Gilpin said they were considering withdrawing services from the area as a result of the attack.
A convicted murderer who was on-the-run has been recaptured by the cops. Violent lunatic, Stephen Jeffrey Wilson, 38, managed to escape from custody while on a compassionate visit to his father in Larne, County Antrim, last week. Wilson - who absconded once before, for ten days in 2001 - was serving a life sentence for murdering Brendan Kevin Kelly in Brighton in 1987. He was nicked again by police last week after being spotted taking a leisurely stroll on the A8 road outside Larne. Earlier, Inspector Noel Rogan warned the public to stay away from him: “He is an extremely violent man,” he said.
A man is being hailed as a Gillette-advert-hero in his native Thurles, Co Tipperary, after he sprinted into a burning house and saved two small children trapped in a back kitchen. Fire personnel reckon only the quick action of Francis Delaney and other neighbours saved the kids from an untimely end. The fire, which happened last week, caused extensive damage to the home in Mitchell Street. It was brought under control by three fire units from Thurles and Templemore. Three of five children inside managed to get out, but two aged just three and four were still trapped inside. Mr Delaney, who was shopping in Walsh’s butchers next door, heard the commotion, tore off his civilian clothing to reveal a large ‘S’ on his shirt and ran in to help. Using a fire extinguisher to break through the back door he put out some flames, grabbed the kids and they were then brought to Nenagh General Hospital and treated for smoke inhalation.
Waynetta Spears, realising that her previous audience has grown up and doesn’t want to hear pseudo-sultry tuneless pop sung by trailer trash any more, is thinking of going for a younger market. The grease-clad hag is claiming that her singing has improved beyond all measure since she started singing nursery rhymes to her devil child, who probably already has cancer from all the passive smoking. Mary Had A Little Lamb will be out next month, complete with a video of a wheezing Waynetta gyrating in just a snot-stained handkerchief.
Primrose Hill antichrist Sadie Frost has more or less admitted she’d like to suck off Oasis brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher. The little cumbucket, who reportedly split up with toyboy lover Andy Jones earlier this month, admits that she loves their rugged charm. “I love Mancunian males – like Noel and Liam,” she giggled, sucking her finger. “I’ve always had a soft spot for them as nobody can outwit their sarcasm and sense of humour. “I love that they’re so angry and passionate about life.”
Middle-aged-housewife-panty
Mensa candidiate Victoria Beckham is planning to try claw back some of the millions she’s forked out on fashion over the years by unleashing her own chavtastic range of sunglasses. Britain’s favourite stick insect is supposedly beavering away designing them at the moment and they will go on sale later this year. Like her VB Jeans range for ever so trendy Rock & Republic, the glasses will be sold worldwide in trendy boutiques.
Mr puniverse, Orlando Bloom and his wacky co-star Johnny Depp are enjoying bullying luvvie actress Keira Knightley on the set of Pirates of Caribbean II by ripping into her about her Oscar nomination. “They’ve been taking the piss out of me,” admits Keira. “Every time I do a take, they say, ‘Oh, is that an Oscar-nominated take?’” One can only imagine what they’ve been saying about her recent nude Vanity Fair cover.
Vince “I’ve been in every movie made in the last two years” Vaughn threw ditsy girlfriend Jennifer Aniston a 37th birthday party she won’t forget: he had it catered by McDonald’s. The actor invited just Jen’s closest friends to the intimate bash and kept it low-key with an extravagant menu of fast food. The party was in stark contrast to the party Brad Pitt arranged for Jen last year, which included a gourmet feast for A-list stars including Mel Gibson and Gwen Stefani.
Deep and meaningful thespian Charlize Theron has admitted she prefers speaking in Afrikaans than English. The Oscar queen was seen nattering away in her native tongue to South African-born model-turned-actress Landi Swan at a party in London earlier this week, puzzling onlookers who couldn’t figure out what the hell she was going on about. Landi who, after working for the likes of Chanel and Jean Paul Gautier in the past, is set to make her movie debut in a new homage to La Dolce Vita this spring, revealed afterwards that Charlize says she’d actually speak in Afrikaans all the time if she could.
Clearly losing any slight grip she may have had on her sanity, Katie Holmes is now reportedly spending as long as eight hours a day at a Scientology church. Katie, who is engaged to voodoo sourcerer Tom Cruise and is expecting his baby, has been visiting the centre up to three times a day. The over-rated actress turned nutjob was brought up a Catholic, but converted to Scientology after falling under the spell of Cruises’ mystical powers. A friend quivered: “Her family are becoming very worried. They don’t know what she is being taught. “She is becoming more distant and seems to worship Scientology as much as she worships Tom.”
Cumbucket Paris Hilton has hit back at Mischa Barton after The OC star told British reporters she was a “silly bitch”. Choking back the tears Paris croaked: “I don’t even know the girl. I couldn’t care less. It seems like she’s the one trying to stir up a rivalry. I’ve never said a word about her in my life. But she seems to be spending a lot of time thinking about me.” However, Mischa’s publicist says her words shouldn’t be taken too seriously, insisting she was only joking when she dismissed Paris as “hating everyone around her age who is more successful”. We’d be up for seeing them get down to a good old fashioned cat-fight.
Insatiable hussy, Lindsay Lohan has had a busy time of late, going on one serious cock-hunting mission. In the last week alone, the slutbucket has been linked to two blokes. Last week, she reportedly hooked up with Olympic gold medalist Shaun White, who nailed the snowboarding event. “Her and I ended up meeting up at the famous Bungalow 8. It was a good time,” Shaun said, breathing on his finger nails and polishing them on his baggy sweater. “It was a trip. Coming home from Italy, everybody’s been running up to me, saying how proud they are. It’s been crazy and so I had to get some time to have fun.” However, Shaun might not be so pleased with himself when he hears that before the cum stains had even dried, Lindsay had already moved on to Match Point actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
In a piece of news so hideous it beggars belief, the latest celebrity to launch her own foul-smelling scent is none other than Jade Goody. Apparently the putrid porcine pie-muncher will oink her way through yet another bargain-bin reality TV show where she will be seen looking for the perfect scent. A show insider, struggling to translate Goody’s grunts into intelligible English, said: “She’s very keen to launch her own perfume. The cameras will tag along as she gets advice and comes up with a business plan.” Expect the scent to have the sweet smell of a sweaty 5 day old doner kebab if Goody gets her way.
Jolly Hockey Stick de jour Keira Knightley has revealed that she was terrified of stripping off for her recent Vanity Fair Cover with fellow over-exposed starlet Scarlett Johansson because she hadn’t shaved her legs. The MDF spokesperson guffawed: “We got there and they said: ‘Do you mind doing it in the nude?’ “And we said: ‘What?’ I thought: ‘I can’t. I haven’t shaved my legs.’ The actress also took the time to whinge about her boydshape with all the false modesty of a smug Hollywood superstar. “I’d love to have tits, but I don’t - I have pecs,” she said whilst pouting in the mirror, “I hate my body. I like so many other people’s bodies much better.”
Iceland Icon Kerry Katona has said she is worried her children could be taken into care after she was branded a bad mother by her ever-expanding collection of ex-best friends. Despite having been involved in more fights than Mike Tyson, the scrubber insists that she can be a perfectly responsible human being. “These so-called friends forget that I’m a normal person with kids,” she slurred after a 12 hour session of Malibu-and-cokes down the local Wetherspoons. “I’m far better off without them. They are all just money grabbing people and I’m a human being with feelings. I can’t believe they would go to these lengths just to make money.”
After finally exerting some acting muscles in Brokeback Mountain, moody watergun-phobe Heath Ledger has decided the strain of putting in a decent performance is too much and announced he will take a gap year to recover from his thespian exertions. Instead he will let his fiancée, Dawsons Crack actress Michelle Williams, push her way up the Hollywood ladder, whilst he teaches their new sprog to scowl at the paparazzi. In between episodes of Diagnosis Murder, Ledger grunted: “I’m going to try not to work at all this year and send Michelle out to bring in the cash… I’ll be Mr Mum! It’s something that’s very important to me - something that every dad, if he can, should do his best to achieve.”
In an announcement sure to be met with a wave of celebrations across the globe, boho bore Sienna Miller has announced she may pack in the acting game. Despite the fact her career has so far failed to move beyond tits n ass roles, the poor little girl has decided she’s already had enough of all the attention from those meanie paparrazis. Sobbing to a 3am girl at the opening of an envelope, the publicity-shy hermit said: “If my life continues the way it’s been in the last couple of months, or gets worse, then it’s not worth it. I love my job but that level of scrutiny, that pressure, it’s just not worth it — I’d rather not act than have that.”
Whilst 5 years ago you would have been lucky to spot a Family Affairs cast member on the BAFTAs red carpet, this years ceremony managed to attract a gaggle of Hollywood stars, all dying to practice their best loser face in the run-up to the Oscars. Predictably, Brokeback Mountain cleaned up with four awards, and, equally predictably, it rained cats and dogs making all the glam frocks look like charity-shop cast-offs by the end of the night. In the gossip of the evening, anorexic hamster Renee Zellwegger rekindled her romance with eternal bachelor George Clooney at the Dorchester hotel after-party, and our very own Michelle Ryan, aka Zoe from Eastenders, took the prize for being the most blatant pisshead of the evening. The lowpoint of the evening was Richard Attenbourough’s toe-curlingly tedious speech in honour of fellowship award winner David Puttnam, which went on for longer than it took to shoot Gandhi, and highpoint was Desperate Sycophant Felicity Huffman’s declaration that Clooney was a close “personal friend”, despite the fact they’ve never even met.
After years spent boring the pants off the public with utterly transparent PR fuelled speculation, the Bond producers have finally scrounged together a cast for the new Bond flick Casino Royale by filling up the Bond Girl and Villain roles with European no-marks. Eva Green, who recently starred in the Orlando Bloom Summer Pudding Kingdom of Heaven, will take on the role of Vesper Lynd after it was turned down by Charlize Theron, Tracey Shaw, and Lizzie Bardsley from Wife Swap. Unknown Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen, whose most famous film to date has been the Keira Knightley-infected blockbuster flop King Arthur, will also play Bond’s arch enemy Le Chiffre. At this rate, it seems that the new Bond may make the Timothy Dalton era flicks seem positively thrilling.
Whilst Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey will be fighting over the last toilet roll well into the next millennium, fellow celebrity divorcees Brad Pitt and Jenifer Aniston have done the dignified thing and come to a quick settlement over their multimillion dollar fortune. Apparently Aniston will get sole ownership of the $29m mansion in Beverly Hills, whilst Pitt will get his grubby hands on their Plan B film production company, although Aniston will still keep a minor stake in the business. Lawyers are still in talks over who gets to keep the DFS three piece suite, however.
Struggling musician Paris Hilton is preparing for her schizophrenia-inducing assault on the charts by getting a choreographer to devise some orgasm-inducing dance moves for her first single. Whilst being well-versed in the art of minge-flashing, the extraterrestrial heiress has the dancing ability of a drunken quadraplegic, and so has hired Robin Antin, the founder of slutty Spice Girls rip-off The Pussycat Dolls, to teach her how to shake her scrawny ass. She announced this during her 25th birthday celebrations at Pure Nightclub in Los Angelese, where rumours report she was spotted practicing her interpretative robot dance to legendary Whigfield tune Saturday Night.
Proving that they have as much knowledge of modern music as Margaret Thatcher, the Blunt-loving Brits organisers failed to spot an American impostor pretending to be one of the Artic Monkeys. The Sheffield whizkids won Best Breakthrough Act, but had to film an acceptance speech, since they were on tour and could not attend the ceremony. The cheeky chappies then got fellow rock star Keith Murray, from the US band We Are Scientists, to appear on the video and accept the award. Despite the fact that the band have generated more headlines than the Israeli-Palestine conflict over the past few weeks, not one of the dope-headed organisers spotted the gaffe.
Madonna has been furiously denying rumours of a split between her and mockney mockery hubby Guy Ritchie, although she has admitted that the couple do have “clashes.” Despite recent rumours that she has been hung up on toyboy music producer Stuart Price after he pulled off the amazing feat of disguising her reedy voice on last album “Confessions on A Dancefloor”, the hatchet-faced diva said: “Guy’s not a househusband and I’m not a typical wife. So you can imagine, we have our clashes. But I think we always keep our eye on the ball — that is our marriage — the union of us, the things that we create together, are bigger than the petty fights we have.”
After spending the past couple of years with her head stuck in a tub of Ben Jerrys, Waynetta Spears has confessed she is looking forward to leaving her trailer park and actually doing some work for a change. The KFC aficionado commented: “This may sound weird but I miss traveling. I miss the road, seeing different places and being with the dancers and having fun. That feeling of being on the stage, knowing it’s your best - I love that. I needed a break. I needed to be hungry again. I belong out there. I can do these things.” She also boasted that no-one has been able to match her talent for miming to a backing track whilst dressed as a slutty schoolgirl. “There’s been a huge lull. I haven’t seen anybody out there who has had a performance where I’m like ‘That’s awesome.’ It’s been boring. Nothing’s been wow to me.”
Obviously strapped for cash after blowing more money on cosmetic surgery than Joan Rivers, Bride of Frankenstein Sharon Osbourne is demanding a 500,000 quid pay rise for the new series of the X Factor. Unfortunately the karaoke dross will be returning this year to bore the nation rigid with more binmen/haridressers/unemployed chavs spewing out covers of 80s power ballads in an attempt to destroy our musical tastebuds. A show insider, currently offering out Shayne Ward for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs, said: “Sharon is asking for loads more cash — but it is a big commitment to do the series as it runs for seven months, from audition to crowning the winner. ITV have Simon tied up, so they are now turning their attention to Sharon and Louis.”
Pop pixie Kylie Minogue is set to walk down the aisle with French loverboy Olivier Martinez in April, according to the actor’s indiscreet mum. Rosemarie Martinez decided to give all paparazzis and stalkers some advance warning of the nuptials, by blabbing that the couple will be getting hitched on French Island off the coast of Melbourne. “My son has promised we will be flown over for the big day,” Mrs Martinez said, whilst seductively chugging through a pack of Gauloise Blonders. “We’re just rejoicing that she and my son can now go ahead and make the plans they’ve wanted to make for so long.”
If you were becoming concerned that there just weren’t enough trembling piano-led rock ballads in the world, have no fear – daring experimental artistes Coldplay have announced they will not be splitting up, despite self-fuelled rumours to the contrary. The gossip started after last week’s yawn-inducing Brits where jumped-up choirboy Chris Martin said: “People are fed up with us and so are we. You won’t see us at one of these for many, many years. We mean it.” However a spokeswoman for the band, on a break from computer-generating their next single, said: “Coldplay are categorically not splitting up. They are on the road until July, when their 16 month X&Y World Tour ends in Japan.”They will then be having a well deserved rest before working on their fourth album.”
Cruise ship entertainer Ronan Keating has decided to be excessively dignified about his failed solo career, by blaming it all on ex-manager Louis Walsh. After the giddy musical heights of Life Is A Rollercoaster, Keating has plummeted off the radar quicker than you can say “B*Witched”, but of course this is everything to do with his management, and nothing to do with a selection of excremental ballads which would make Gareth Gates seem edgy. Keating fumed about the mincing pop Svengali: “I have no respect for him, he tried to absolutely ruin my career. He was jealous. I had to sack him because he wouldn’t manage me. He hurt me all right.”
Professional bedwetters Keane have claimed that their balls have now dropped and their new album will replace their debut’s castrato Capital FM balladry for some proper rock ‘n’ roll. After pulling off a stunning victory in a tense Friday-night game of Risk, Drummer Richard Hughes snarled in his most manly fashion: “I think to start off with we felt a lot of pressure, but I think we reached the point where we thought ‘Actually if we keep worrying about what everyone’s going to think, this is going to turn out to be a rubbish album. So we just thought ‘Let’s lock ourselves away and do whatever excites us really, makes us feel that sort of thrill of making music’. We ended up with a sort of weird rock and roll beast of an album.”
James Blunt’s evil MOR conspirator KT Tunstall has been trying to lose her tag as the ASDA shopper’s Alanis Morrisette by flogging the lesbian card with the desperation of a Newcastle chavette. The Brit winner, who has apparently racked up a huge lesbian following, casually told the nearest tabloid: “Of course I have kissed a girl - every girl should have kissed a girl! There was a friend of mine when I was at school and she was like: ‘I don’t know if I’m any good at kissing.’” However, just in case anyone thought she was really a lesbian and not just trying to flog more records, the simpering Scot added: “I’m not gay but I certainly have absolutely no problem with having good looking girls at the front shouting my name - and the boys certainly don’t mind!”
Waynetta Spears, realising that her previous audience has grown up and doesn’t want to hear pseudo-sultry tuneless pop sung by trailer trash any more, is thinking of going for a younger market. The grease-clad hag is claiming that her singing has improved beyond all measure since she started singing nursery rhymes to her devil child, who probably already has cancer from all the passive smoking. Mary Had A Little Lamb will be out next month, complete with a video of a wheezing Waynetta gyrating in just a snot-stained handkerchief.
Listening to KT Tunstall and realising that she too could sell more records by pretending to be a wee bit Sapphic, Michelle Heaton from Liberty X has leapt on the Lesbitrain. The Kwik Save No Frills Rachel Stevens immediately legged it over to her publicist in order to rush out a statement, fearing that the bands dwindling record sales could bottom out unless she confessed to liking breasts. “I fancy women sometimes and I’d rather snog an attractive woman than an ugly man!” shrieked Heaton, contemplating whether donning dungaress would be taking it a bit far. “Sexuality isn’t black and white,” she added, wondering how long she had to stage a kiss with a girl for before pulling away in total disgust.
Monosyllabic public school dimwit Charlie Simpson has been trying to convince people that he’s now a serious musician by whinging about his time in tweenie-rocker band Busted. The moody adolescent, now trying to win back some credibility with goth rock band Fightstar, has claimed that he was never happy wetting schoolgirl’s pants with lame Blink 182 ripoffs, and the sheer awfulness of their music nearly led him to nervous collapse whilst on tour in Germany. “I sat in my room thinking I can’t do this anymore,” he said, before scurrying off to Camden Market to get himself a henna tattoo and some mascara.
After the nightmare of last year’s contest between tranny travesty Jordan and wardrobe malfunction victim Javine, this year’s competition for the UK Eurovision Song contest spot looks set to be even more eardrum-shattering, with a string of pop desperados lining up to collect their last 15 milliseconds of fame. The music industry dregs who will be put to the public vote include the poor man’s Victoria Beckham, Kym Marsh, the token minging one from Blue, Antony Costa, and Daz Simpson from Dj-otzi inspired dance group United Nations. Rest assured, Brtiain will once again be scrapping with Malta over nul points in April.
Atomic Drippin Liz McLarnon has finally offered an explanation for her look of constipation during her years in the jumped-up karaoke girl band, by claiming that she found performing a “terrifying ordeal” and not just because she had to share the stage with Jenny Frost and Kerry Katona. After her brain was reduced to mush by excessive simpering, McLarnon became crippled by paranoia and was convinced that a pop-hating assassin was trying to kill her every time she stepped into the spotlight. “It was hard to get me on stage because I thought someone was in the crowd was going to shoot me,” said the Oliver Stone enthusiast. “I was totally paranoid. I went through a really bad time when I’d have panic attacks. I would have bad chest pains and feel like I was going to die. I couldn’t get out of bed and I couldn’t eat anything. That was so alien to me - that’s when I knew I was sick, because my mum Jan is a trained chef and we love food.”
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