Home Secretary Charles Clarke has decided against reclassifying cannabis as a class B drug despite admitting it may cause people to go loopy.
Instead he tried to act the tough guy and unveiled measures to try to stop people getting hooked, and a clampdown on dealers. The move is expected to enrage top psychiatrists who want the class C drug returned to class B.
Exhaling a plume of green smoke after sucking back on a bong he told MPs: “The more that I have considered these matters, the more concerned I have become about the limitations of our current system.
“There is often disagreement over the meaning of different classifications. “For example many people wrongly interpreted the reclassification of cannabis to mean that cannabis was not harmful and that its use was acceptable and even legal.” The existing system has just three categories - Class A, B and C - with substances classed according to clinical evidence of their harm to users.
Ice-cream van drivers were gutted to hear that anyone convicted or cautioned for child sex offences will not be allowed to teach in schools, following an announcement by Education Secretary Ruth Kelly last week.
In an eagerly awaited statement listened to in silence by a crowded Commons, Ms Kelly also announced that ministers would be removed from the controversial vetting process. After a storm over the employment of sex offenders in schools, she said an expert independent panel would take decisions instead, but promised there would be no witch-hunt against anyone wrongly accused.
Ms Kelly’s future as Education Secretary was thought to be in deep shite after the row erupted over sex offenders.
A wacky doctor is attempting to help his patients beat the winter blues by installing a tropical beach in his practice.
Dr Alex Bobak has gone all out, covering the floor of the waiting room with sand, installing industrial heaters, and putting up vast boards depicting idyllic beach destinations to create a holiday atmosphere. Patients can also recline on sunloungers decked out with parasols and while they listen to a CD playing sounds of the sea. Dr Bobak said he believed the stunt at his surgery in Wandsworth, South London, could improve patients’ moods - or even persuade them that they’re not actually all that ill after all, meaning they might bugger off home.
Blackmailers have targeted a snot-nosed computer nerd who became stinking rich after launching his website MillionDollarHomepage.
Alex Tew, 21, (right) made $1million by selling advertising space for $1 a pixel. The cashed-up, Star Trek T-shirt and opened toed sandle-wearing nerd reached his target at the beginning of this year only four months after he launched the site.
But hackers contacted him and threatened to bombard his site with data to shut it down unless he paid them a whopping £2,800. Alex ignored the threat, but last week the cyber criminals launched an attack and temporarily crippled the site. Further threats followed, upping the demand to £28,000. That’ll teach him for being brainy and entrepreneurial.
Two Thai fishermen are likely to face the death sentence for the rape and murder of British backpacker Katherine Horton.The attack happened at a Thai island resort on the evening of New Year’s Day. Bualoi Posit, 23, and Wichai Somkhaoyai, 24, are set to be executed by lethal injection for the attack on the 21-year-old student.
Giving the verdict, Judge Chamnong Sutchaimai said: “The crime they committed has terrified people.
“To prevent others from committing similar acts, the court rules that the two defendants be sentenced to death.”
The defendants, who have one month to appeal, were handcuffed and kept their heads bowed as the verdict was read out.
Bulaloi told reporters: “I’m sorry for what I did.”
The two men pleaded guilty in a Surat Thani court last week to raping Miss Horton and dumping her body at sea.
A sex-crazed psycho husband had filthy sex with his wife before losing it and strangling her with a dressing gown cord, a British court heard last week. Hot tempered Mark Munro, 40, admitted that after he had sex with his handcuffed 35-year-old wife Helen she then later told him they had to stop sleeping together - because she was shagging another man.
“The last thing I remember is a noise in my ear,” said Munro, adding: “The next thing I remember is feeling like I had just woken up.
“She was lying there next to me on the bed,” Munro told Exeter Crown Court.
Prosecuter Geoffrey Mercer QC, said the issue was not about whether Munro had killed his wife - probably in the early hours of April 21 - but whether he was guilty of murder, or manslaughter. The trial continues.
As if moronic iPod owners hadn’t already been ripped off enough by paying 10 times the price of a normal MP3 player for the Apple brand name, they will now be charged £65 to have a lesson in how to use the machines. Despite the fact that it is all perfectly well explained in a manual which takes all of 2 minutes to read, posh department store Selfridges is offering ridiculously-priced tutorials to those like George Bush who are struggling to twiddle the wheel due to a lack of opposable thumbs. Clients can even get home visits for an extra fee in a scheme that follows the firm’s in-store SpeedPod service where CDs are put onto iPods
The nutty fathers’ rights group linked to an alleged plot to kidnap Tony Blair’s youngest sprog Leo is to disband in the wake of the furore over the affair.
Fathers 4 Justice had earlier said the group was suspending its activities pending an inquiry into the allegations last week. But the group’s leader Matt O’Connor has stated that the group can no longer continue in light of the negative publicity generated by the allegations.
He said: “I regret to say that three years after starting the organisation we’re going to cease and bring it to a close.”
Last week it was reported that extremist sympathisers with Fathers 4 Justice had discussed kidnapping five-year-old Leo Blair.
Web users were left with silly what’s going on here looks slapped all over their Chevy Chases when a ghostly World War Two bomber appeared on an internet photo map.
The mystery 60-year-old RAF Lancaster was shown on cult mapping program Google Earth. An eagle-eyed British web geek raised the alarm. But it later emerged the ghostly apparition was in fact a restored Lancaster flying over Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire, from an air show. Its camouflage meant it was missed by the Google team who checked the satellite photos.
A pair of petulant paramedics have been suspended after failing to respond to a 999 emergency, because they though it was another crew’s turn to go out.
It was claimed the pair argued with an ambulance service controller who ordered them to attend the life-threatening situation, before they indulged in a competition of turn around, touch the ground, bagsy not me.
After being told that they would not be allowed any sweeties if they misbehaved, the pair finally left the station but arrived at the scene 4 minutes past the Government target of 8 minutes to answer an emergency call. The Bedfordshire and Hertfordshire Ambulance have.confiscated their colouring pens for a week, and have ordered a full investigation.
A police force in Staffordshire have shockingly pipped the Beenie Man fan club to the title of 2005’s most gay friendly employer.
The constabulary, currently rehearsing their Macho, Macho Man routine for their support slot on 50 Cent’s UK tour, recently launched a special drive for gay and lesbian cadets, and now one in ten of their force’s 2,309 is homosexual.
The award was made by Stonewall, the gay activist charity. The force’s Chief Constable John Gifford, out shopping for a hot-pink horse blanket, said: “I’m delighted.”
Scoring top marks for innovation, a couple of loopy thieves with some serious identity crises are on the run after one stole an old lady’s purse, whilst the other pretended to be a dog. The two men broke into the house in Stockton in Tees, before one of them promptly dropped onto all fours and began to bark like a Rottweiler on heat. Whilst the 90 year old woman stared on in horror, the other man grabbed her purse and the pair pegged it off. Stunned local police claimed it was one of the most unusual scams they had ever encountered.
British birds are all gagging to be become mammary monsters, according to new figures which show that the number of women having boob jobs was up 51 per cent in 2005 from 2004.
Obviously believing that having bigger bazookas than Dawn French will make them more appealing to the opposite sex, 5,600 ladies decided to purchase some impants, although another 2,700, who had had enough of swinging their pendulous nipples round their ankles, chose to have a reduction.
The number of men having a nip n tuck also shot up by an astonishing 81 per cent, proving that metrosexuality - i.e. twattish male vanity – is still alive and kicking. Doug McGeorge from the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, said: “Britons want to feel good about how they look.”
Tony Blair’s claim that his childhood hometown was a crime-free haven has proven as reliable as his judgement on weapons of mass destruction, after a neighbour revealed his gran Mary used to be a graffiti artist tearaway.
Last week the PM, visiting Swindon as part of his battle to stamp out chavs, claimed: “My father, growing up in Glasgow in a poor community, didn’t have as much money as we have. But people behaved more respectfully to one another.”
However ex-neighbour Alex Morrison revealed Mary used to daub Communist slogans on the walls and claimed the suburb was always as idyllic as a working men’s club in Hull. He sneered: “He talks about the old Govan like it was some sort of ideal place, but he is speaking absolute rubbish. Poverty and misery were widespread and it was a violent place as well.
Toffee-nosed Blair-wannabe David Cameron has staked his claim to the PM crown by describing himself as the Richard Branson of British politics – which explains his penchant for hot air at least.
The colour-blind Tory Boy, who these days does a better Tony Blair impression than the man himself, used the analogy of the weasly entrepeneur’s success to highlight the need for a massive Coservative Party makeover, if they are going to appeal to anyone without a triple-barelled surname.
In another stunning piece of wordplay, he claimed his Party revolution was like that of Tesco. The barbour-sporting baby-face said: “Politics is about making changes. Tesco wouldn’t be the business it is if it didn’t make radical changes to become a great business.”
According to a new relationship survey, the notion of a gender divide is just a myth peddled by irritating self-help authors trying to make a quick buck – in actual fact, both sexes just as slaggish as each other. In the poll for lads’ channel FX, three quarters of men and women said they would be happy to play how’s your father after a first date, although both sexes rated companionship, security, and fun above sex, looks, and wealth as the most important factors in a relationship – i.e. they’d shag anything on two legs. The only area they differed in was when asked to pick last year’s most successful relationship – whilst men chose Homer and Marge Simpson, women plumped for newlyweds Elton John and David Furnish, obviously believing, like David, that the key to a healthy relationship is an outrageous amount of dosh.
Scarlett Johansson’s policy of thrusting her bosom in everyone’s face, whether she’s on the red carpet or nipping down to the shops for a Cornetto, has backfired after she got felt up at the Golden Globes. The swan-necked starlet was wandering into the event in a red dress cut so low that her nipples were getting carpet burns, when she was collared by gay fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi. The mincing pseudo-reporter then asked what underwear Scarlett had on, and before she could drum up a proper answer, Mizrahi was playing with her funbags, gasping: “I just wanna feel it. Ooh, ooh, oh, I just love that.”
Ultimate luvvie Sir Anthony Hopkins has foolishly been given the chance to prattle on about how wonderful he and all his thesp mates are, after being given a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes. The Welsh ham wasn’t the only British winner on the night though, with Rachel Weisz picking up a Best Supporting Actress gong for her role in The Constant Gardener and Hugh Laurie winning a TV acting prize for his role in House. The main prizes were split between Brokeback Mountain (Best Film, Best Director, Worst Film To Go To With Your Homophobic Dad) and Walk The Line (Best Actor and Actress for Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon). Amazingly, Big Momma’s House 2 received a snub from the voters.
Corrie Star Liz Dawn, aka gurning Manc poodle Vera Duckworth, has promised she will continue to grace our screens with comedy plotines as funny as a night with Roy Chubby Brown after rubbishing claims that she is seriously ill. The fag-chugging star was reported to be suffering from a deterioration of her lung condition emphysema. However apparently she only visited the Alexandra Hospital in Cheadle for a routine check-up, and told concerned viewers that she will back to work, ready to jump into her new plotline involving Jack, Roy Cropper a a slab of spam and some anal beads. A Coronation Street representative fumed: “It’s very much exaggerated, she is fine and simply went to her specialist.”
Obviously gagging for a bit of Hollywood attention since resorting to starring in BBC teatime dramas with Janine from Eastenders, hatchet-faced X-Files thesp Gillian Anderson pulled off an airline rant worthy of monkey-man Ian Brown, when she assaulted a bemused passenger on a flight to Sri Lanka. The aged FHM cover-girl drank six glasses of red wine before turning on the man next to her claiming he was not looking after his child. Witness Simon Jones, jealous that he hasn’t been anally probed by Mulder’s little green man, sniffed: “She was aggressive and slurring. Gillian reached over, pulled the headphones off his head and was effing and blinding at him.” Sri Lankan Airlines said: “The crew spoke to Miss Anderson and she was given another seat.”
Expect a little Pomegranate, Nectarine, Guava or Kumquat to join Apple in a few month’s time – simpering carrot-muncher Gwyneth Paltrow is up the duff again. The macrobiotic missus of Chris Martin has said that she’ll be taking yet more time off from making dull-but-worthy films to drop another kid. “Since my daughter came along, I’ve not worked much through choice,” whinnied Gwyn, wolfing down some more tofu. “And with another baby on its way, I don’t think I will be doing a lot for the next year or so either.”
Celebrated thespian Dame Abi Titmuss is staking her claim to be the next Judi or Maggie after landing a part in a new high-class West End show. The virginal English rose has decided to undergo a complete transformation to play a cheap, dirty prostitute for Two-Way Mirror by top American scribe Arthur Miller at Covent Garden’s posh Courtyard Theatre. Currently preparing for her first TV role in a new sitcom alongside Geoffrey Palmer, the national treasure gushed: “This is a dream come true for me. It’s the most beautiful play I’ve ever read.”
Spinach-phobe Faria Alam has become the second slag who shags famous people to be evicted from the Celeb BB house, despite pathetically playing the race card by whinging that British public would never vote for a non-white winner. Meanwhile, Britpop hangover Preston has proved a very ordinary boy by getting off with Helen Adams-wannabe Chantelle, leaving girlfriend Camille Aznar to deal with the shame of her boyfriend exchanging saliva with someone from Harlow. And despite Jodie Marsh’s hideous face no longer being around to create commotion, the week closed with an almighty bitch fight. The poor man’s Lily Savage, Pete Burns, told Traci Bingham: “One day you’re going to be 50 and you’ll be a ******* wreck. You’ll end up screwed. Your parts will dry up. You’ll end up on the 90th anniversary of Baywatch. You’re a sorry, insecure wreck.” At which point she “giggled nervously”, trying to work out whether this was a compliment…
Despite being as familiar with books as Osama bin Laden is with boozy nights out in Las Vegas strip joints, Victoria Beckham is planning to write some children’s tales. The pea-brained plastic skeleton, who once famously admitted that she had never read a book in her life, is planning to pen a range of kiddy books to go along with some tatty children’s clothes she is releasing later in the year. JK Rowling is thought to be quaking at the thought.
Zammo Maguire emphathiser Kerry Katona is still trying to convince us all that there is a reason for her being famous, and has now decided she’s an actress. The sadsack ex of Bryan McFadden, complete with two bags of wallpaper paste strapped to her chest, reckons that those Iceland adverts have brought out the budding thespian in her. The chav pin-up reckons that her dream role would be a sex scene with Brad Pitt (we’ve heard that one’s Brad’s ambition too, love), but at least she’s displaying some realism and starting low. Hence, her first call has been to the casting agents of noted Royal Shakespeare Company finishing school Footballers’ Wives.
Powder-room princess Kate Moss has decided to screw the hypocritical British media and shack up in a mansion in Malibu, where destroying your septum is par for the course. The model, currently being scouted for a part in the singalong sequel to Requiem for a Dream, is especially thrilled by the pad as it used to be owned by blubbery pill-popper Elizabeth Taylor. A pal, aka Sadie Frost trying to jump the electric security fences, reported: “The place is simply breathtaking. Kate fell in love as soon as she saw it. She loved the fact it had real old Hollywood history.”
In an incident which has absolutely nothing to do with Michael Barrymore, the Celeb BB house has received a visit from the boys in blue. The police decided to seize Pete Burns’ gorilla fur coat following a flood of complaints from simian-loving viewers. Big Brother asked Pete to hand over the coat, and told the snakebite drinker’s Jordan they were handing it onto the cops for investigation. A Herts Police spokeswoman, thrilled to find it matched his python-print heels, cooed: “The coat will now be tested to determine its origin.” Government minister Jim Knight has warned Pete could face jail if the coat turned out to be made from gorilla fur, and his sentence could be upped when they find out his lips have been made from the scrotal sacs of Chinese sweatshop workers.
Alright! Enough! Whilst we shudder at Kate Beckinsale rambling on about her sex life, and hide behind the sofa when Jodie Marsh is on about hers, there is a line that has to be drawn. And that means you, Judy Finnigan. The shaky-handed teatime host has leapt on the latest ill-advised celebrity bandwagon, gushing in far too much detail about her relationship with smarmy Supermarket Sweep fan Richard Madeley. “I really do believe that having a sexually passionate relationship gets you through a lot,” said Judy, raising a vase up to the optics. “I’m convinced a strong physical attraction helps a couple survive. It’s always been a huge part of our relationship and, hand on heart, I still fancy Richard,” the world’s worst player of Operation added, surrounded by an ever-growing pile of stained corks.
Mister Ed the comedy talking horse, aka Tara Palmer Tompkinson, has revealed she still has to be tested for drugs before anyone will give her a presenting gig - despite the fact she fails to string two words together whether she’s fuelling the Colombian economy or not. The former It girl, currently fighting off a painful addiction to Manolo Blanhniks, said that I’m A Celebrity bosses made sure she was clean before they offered her a role on the high-class ITV2 spin-off show, dedicated to serving the needs of the Sid Owen fan club. The posh tramp whinnied: “I can’t go mad dancing on tables any more because everyone automatically says I’m coked off my head. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.”
Special Needs amabassador Jade Goody, despite having all the sex appeal of a battered saveloy, has managed to bag herself another anonymous Essex lad, looking to make the little piggy squeal. Despite only splitting up with reality TV expert and on-off boyfriend Jeff Brazier only two weeks ago, the kebab-bellied brainiac has already hooked up with 18 year old Jack Tweedy – a name clearly synonymous with classy behaviour. A pal, busy feeding Jade her morning swill, said: “They’ve only been together a few weeks but she’s really enjoying being the older woman.”
After scrounging dole benefits for the past 5 years, serial bird-flu victim Martine Mcutcheon has decided it’s the perfect moment to return to the pop world, in the most exciting comeback since Ben Adams from AI went solo. Rather than resembling a Matalan shopper’s Mariah Carey, this time she has far loftier ambitions. The internationally-acclaimed artist, listening to some experimental prog-rock for some inspiration, gushed: “My album will be a bit more soulful than what Madonna’s done. The album will be kind of big 70s disco classics with a modern club beat. I want to be the modern Donna Summer.” Confessions on a Reading Dancefloor has been mooted as a possible title, and tracks could include an electro-clash remix of Anita Dobson’s 1986 hit Anyone Can Fall In Love.
The annual worst-dressed celebrity list has been announced by Chief Fashion Superintendent Mr Blackwell, with the usual sartorially-challenged candidates hanging around the top 10 like Michelle McManus’ body odour. Tranny travesty Mariah Carey and diseased gerbil Renee Zellweger came close to nabbing the top spot, but none of them could beat Waynetta Spears, who managed to outdo her own abominably low standards last year by sporting a selection of hideously-patterned carpet jackets nicked out of Pat Butcher’s wardrobe. Mr Blackwell sniffed: “These women may be fabulously talented in their respective fields, but when it comes to fashion, they resemble weary weeds in a lovely garden.”
Eminem has only been re-married 5 minutes, and already the white-trash hunting knives are coming out, with Eminem’s hygienically-challenged gran claiming Kim is just in it for the money, and not all that sweet expletive-ridden poetry the Slim Shady is known for. Bitter Betty Kresin branded her grandson “stupid” and said: “Kim will take everything. She’ll go through all his money. She wouldn’t want to get married so quick if he’d got a pre-nup.” None of his large extended family of in-bred relations were invited to last week’s wedding because they would have stunk out the reception quicker than a skunk infestation. Speaking on behalf of her 20 children and 40 grandchildren, Betty drawled: “Kim is very controlling. She’s turned him against his family.”
Lindsay Lohan has decided to model herself as the 21st century Yoko Ono after shacking up with John Lennon’s son Sean. Hoping to gain a bit of credibility with a new conceptual art piece in which she sticks photos of Nicole Richie up her vagina whilst reciting lines from the Parent Trap, Beatles groupie Lohan was spotted getting cosy with the no-mark musician in a New York Restaurant, before the pair headed off to a club to meet her mum Dina. Sean was so desperate he recently placed a personal ad in the New York Post for a lady between 18-45 which specified: “They must not have any clinical, psychological disorders - and have a kind heart. I’m completely miserable.” In which case, he’d be better off shacking up with Mark Chapman.
Under the mistaken belief that anyone bar the Cheeky Girls will want to duet with Shayne Whatshisname come Easter, Simon Cowell has banned the council-estate crooner from working with his idol Robbie Williams. The sexually-confused simian invited Shayne to join him in LA for some jamming, but Cowell, who has signed the Blue-eyed Butlins Boy to his BMG label, stopped the duo from getting together. Understandably his manager, mincing leprechaun Louis Walsh, was upset by the decision. A high-waisted trouser fetishist, who had just received an orgasmic wedgie from Cowell, claimed: “Simon was not overly happy about Robbie working with Shayne so soon after the show. He worries Shayne will get too big for his boots. Louis loved the idea. He really wanted Shayne to go to LA and write with Robbie - but ultimately Simon can over-rule any decisions over Shayne’s career.”
Little miss piggy Joss Stone has turned found solace in the arms of every no-mark female celebrity’s gay best friend, Elton John, after splitting with the “love of her life” Beau Dozier. Despite only recently moving onto training bras, the poor lass was left heartbroken and got mommy’s permission to head straight over to Uncle Elts, where she stayed up till midnight eating jelly and ice cream and watching the Powerpuff girls, leaving Aunt Dave to head off to The Bearpit with a couple of grams of crystal meth. Whilst glugging down some amyl nitrate, a pal said: “Elt is a shoulder to cry on. They speak on the phone often and he tells her to ‘hang in there’. She sees him as a kind of godfather.”
Maybe he just can’t resist a shiny helmet? Perhaps he has a fetish for uniforms? Either way, Pete D’Oh!Erty can’t stop getting himself arrested, even when the police aren’t chasing him in the first place. The bumbling Babyshambles frontman has shot himself in the foot (must have run out of veins in the arm…) by pulling over when pursued by a police car. The coppers were actually after the driver of the car behind him, but D’Oh!Erty assumed he was the one being flagged, so dragged his Jaguar to the kerb. Taking one look at the frazzled court addict, the officers decided to book Pete for driving under the influence, and the ex-Libertines man can now cozy up to the judge in early February.
Rather than launching her own chavalicious perfume range a la Britney and J-Lo, Madonna has decided to go one step classier and set up her own wine label. Each bottle will have an image of the musclebound diva flailing about in a crotch-flashing leotard sure to have you downing the paint-stripper quicker than an Essex girl. The selection, certain to go down a treat in Kwik-Save, includes a 2002 Cabernet Sauvignon, and a La Famiglia Pinot Grigio, as well as a non-alcoholic wine for people looking for a quick-fix solution to scamming urine tests.
Nobel Peace Prize winner Russell Crowe, whose attempts at Rock Stardom have been as convincing as Melanie C’s, has had another hissy fit after being upstaged by New Look pop tarts The Sugababes. During an Australian gig with his latest sub-Rooster outfit, The Ordinary Fear of God, the telephone salesman’s awful over-emoting was drowned out by their recent hit Push the Button blaring out from the cheesy nightclub next door. The pretentious twat, obviously under the impression he’s Bob Dylan despite playing in a venue as iconic as a branch of All Bar One, snorted: “My story-telling is being compromised by sh*tful music.” He was then sent into further spasms of rage when clubbers spotted the actor through a glass wall and started taking photos. An audience member, who thought he had got a ticket for Shannon Noll, said: “Russell really had the hump, big-style. He got the audience to stand and stick their fingers up and abuse the people on the other side of the glass.”
PTA Rally leader Michael Jackson looks set to win some more enemies after leaving animals in squalor at his abandoned Neverland ranch. The pigmentally-confused singer fled his US home after his courtroom victory. The site, which used to be a haven for throngs of smiling kids receiving their first blissful taste of strong liquor, has now fallen into disrepair, and animal rights activists are up in arms about conditions at the ranch’s zoo. Recent pictures appeared to show animals surrounded by their own faeces, and one disgruntled worker, who has not been paid for weeks, claimed the food supply is running out. Lisa Wathne, spokeswoman for animal rights group Peta said: “These photos make it clear that the animals are being held in what can only be described as cruel conditions. Jackson must close this place and relocate the animals to an accredited zoo or sanctuary.”
Picking up Robbie Williams Sloppy Seconds is never dignified – just ask celebrated Top 75 star Jonathan Wilkes – but Will Young is obviously in desperate times, as he has revealed he’d love to step into his sweaty chaps for a Take That Reunion tour. Since they’re sorely lacking a token boy-band bender after Williams’ refusal to join the hip-thrusting boys, Young offered his ass-bandit services for the April tour. He lisped: “I’m looking forward to the Take That reunion later this year - it will be fun and a good night out. I’d happily join Take That on stage and look after Robbie’s place - that would be so much fun, we could all sing together. My favourite Take That song is Relight My Fire, so we could perform that one.”
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I am soooooooo pissed off!!
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