.: Cath’s Blog:.

A friend emailed these pictures to me today of the Carnival Ecstasy (my last ship) at sea during Hurricane Rita…looks a little bit rocky…doesn’t it!

VOMITS!

Goodness me, it reminds me of that picture (which I was told was fake) of the Carnival Triumph with it’s bow under water during Hurricane Irene…thank god I was never at sea while the sea was this rough…at least I was never aware of the ship being like this in all the time I worked for CCL.

Anyway, I though this ship was housing the homeless from NOLA…how awful if those poor buggers had to stay on-board during this…take a sick bag and shut up!

I would like to say that I had to call Diners Club today to get an authorisation on a payment. It seems that they never authorise transactions…the last one I did I had to do the same thing…why would anyone want a Diners Club card…when I think of them I think of the 80’s.

Anyway, I was dreading calling them, as they seem to be following suit with all other big firms…moving their call center to bloody India and in the words of my colleague “It gives me the shits”.

Something that made me laugh very loud today was the Holy Moly newsletter…which had some new quotes in the C**t’s Corner.

CRICKET:

What other team in the history of the world, anywhere, ever got a victory parade and a downing street reception for achieving the almighty task of beating 1 team at something? 1 team that they haven’t managed to beat for 18 years? Well done boys, you done us proud. Fucking rounders for grown ups. Fucking national disgrace. They should be strung up in the tower for underachieving, not applauded.

Today when I went to lunch I expected only to find the defaced magazines in the ‘Smoko Room’…instead what I found was a little more surprising…in fact, it was really surprising.

In the ‘Smoko Room’ there is a huge black table which everyone normally sits around during lunch time, but as I have said before I usually have lunch after everyone else, so I am alone.

Anyway, I saw some rustling under the table and was a little freaked out, I didn’t know if it was an animal or something, so I looked under the table and saw a pigeon being very cheeky eating tiny bread crumbs off the carpet…I looked around and there was another!

I don’t know how on earth they got inside the room without the others seeing…then again, maybe they always come inside…it is quite a large factory after all.

The magazines were funny again and I now know who is the culprit…it doesn’t surprise me, he is a very funny guy.

One of the magazines had a picture of Charles and Diana, on Diana he wrote ‘DEAD’ and on Charles he wrote ‘SHOULD BE’…it did make me giggle.

Thanks to Sam for the funny joke…congratulations on your Green Belt…YAY!!

“Knock knock”- “Who’s there”- “Lettuse”- “Lettuse who?” “Lettuse in, it’s cold out here”.

Jake, I am glad your good too mate…sending you all lots of love.

I went out for dinner tonight with my lovely friend Lawrence. It’s been about two years since we have seen each other and even though I was sad his boyfriend didn’t come along I was glad to have him to myself for a few hours…He is a lovely lovely guy. We chatted about work, life, the UK, Robbie - and his new single, Madonna - how her new single is going to be HUGE and Kylie (of course) and what she has been doing since the Fever Tour…it was great to talk to Lawrence, as he has so much information about her…really great stories.

We got onto the subject of Little Britain and I told him about me and Hannah doing impressions of one of the characters called Ann practically all the way from Exmouth to Darwin. Ann is a patient in the Stephen Speilburg Hospital. In this mental institution she takes full advantage of staff and visitors, with an unintelligable “Eh-eh-eh” (click to hear sound) she takes their belongings from them, pours tea over their heads, and generally just acts like a loon, however when her mobile rings she suddenly becomes very normal and asks the caller “Can I call you back, I’m just in the middle of something”

Anyway, while travelling, me and Hannah were (disturbingly) touching each others faces making “Eh-eh-eh” noises…people thought we were very strange but of course we found it hysterical. I loved that he has a friend who leaves “Eh-eh-eh” messages on his voicemail…you see Hannah, we’re not the only ones!!

An occasional series ferreting out hard-to-find phone numbers.
By Timothy Noah
Posted Wednesday, Sept. 21, 2005, at 3:40 PM PT

As I have explained before (here and here), my bid for immortality is that, two years ago, I found and published the customer service phone number for Amazon.com, which Amazon was not much interested in sharing with its, ahem, customers. That number is

1-800-201-7575.

More recently, responding to a distress call from my sister Patsy, I tried and failed to ferret out a customer service number for iTunes. Like the Fountain of Youth, the perpetual-motion machine, and The Autobiography of Howard Hughes, the iTunes customer service number (which, in fairness, iTunes never claimed to possess) is something that exists only as a cruel hoax. I searched and searched and searched, and finally had to conclude that the real thing didn’t exist. I felt dejected. I grew a three-day stubble and knocked back shots of Jack Daniel’s at the corner bar while my children ran barefoot in rags through the streets. I grabbed the lapels of strangers, drew their faces a little too near my foul-smelling breath, and shouted, I used to be somebody! The Nobel committee was considering me for the Peace Prize! Beautiful Hollywood ingénues gave me their cell phone numbers! Don’t look away!

In short, I felt let down.

Today, though, a friend and former colleague bucked up my spirits by passing along the URL for a Web site with the delightful name, “ Find-A-Human.” It lists banks, cell phone companies, manufacturers of personal computers, stores, airlines, etc., alongside phone numbers and instructions to get a real person on the phone immediately! For example, if you want to talk to a human being at US Airways and you don’t want to go through a series of automated menu options to get there, you dial 800-428-4322, then hit 4 after the initial greeting, then hit 1.

Except … I tried that and it didn’t work. “Our menu options have changed,” said the recorded voice, with just the faintest hint of malice. I couldn’t get through using the instructions for American Express, either. Or for Gateway. Maybe you can find some that work. For me, it’s back to the bottle.

[Update, Sept. 22: I’m told the instructions for Bell South work like a charm. Apologies, incidentally, to reader Marc Naimark, who apparently flagged “Fine-A-Human” to me a week before my friend did.]

Billy was at school one morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Thanks Dad, this was funny.

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the “Peanuts” comic strip. You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just read the posting straight through, and you’ll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” (Charles Schultz)

I have been reading the Liquid Generation Newsletter for a long time now and only recently came accross Helga.

I read the following this morning and honestly nearly peed my pants, so I thought I’d share…

A salaam alaikum! This is Helga The Mohammed al-Salami, and yes, I have decided to convert to Islam.

Don’t bother arguing, I’ve made up my mind. I will join the holy ranks of Mike Tyson, Muammar Gadhafi, and my office building’s parolee janitor.

Why am I doing this you ask? Here are my top 5 reasons:

5.) No Shaving. Ever. Whether one is male or female is not important. Think of the money to be saved on hair management accessories. If Andre 3000 wears a turban, so can I! Best sell your Gillette stock now.

4.) Holiness. Walk the streets randomly chanting things like “Allah Akbar Snappleberry” or “Halal creme pudding” or “Elijah Oprah Winfrey”. If people stare, point and scream: “Repent ye sinner! Save yourself from the Great Satanovski”!

3.) Arranged Marriage. No matter how ugly I am, someone will have to share my bed. Besides, whom better to pick my lifelong sexual partner than my hipster parents? I don’t know about yours, but mine have an excellent track record going back to junior high.

2.) Prayer. 5 sets of 10 reps daily. Bitch about your life to Allah and get a workout all in one! A couple weeks of this kneeling and bowing and my abs will be ready for the Iron Transsexual competition where I will declare a carb-free Jihad on my infidel competitors. YEEE-HAAAW!!!

1.) And FINALLY, the number one reason I am converting to Islam:

70+ virgins.

I only wonder if you can mix and match the sexes. I’d do like 10 guys and 60+ girls and start a production company. I’d even take 35 virgins and one complete slut who can teach everybody else how to whore around.

When does Allah send down the headshots?

ila l-liqa’ (go without fear)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANEY!

I saw a posting about the Kylie show on the 23rd April on SayHey! from Brad asking about me. Sorry these are so late Brad, here are some pictures from that night at Spirit and some pictures from the 24th at Hollywood Showlounge.

Ryan, Steven (& Mum), Cass, Mike & Brad, I hope you are all doing ok…we’ll catch up again no doubt the next time Miss K goes on the road.

Melbourne is great and I am having a blast…Miss Cass, I hope London is treating you well.

Tonight I went along to Girl Bar in St Kilda…it was awful. I heard that it was a really good night but I honestly though it was shit. I will not be wasting another $15 again going there.

Hello, my name is Catherine Ellis and I am a 24aholic!!

I honestly think I have a serious problem. Only recently I have started watching 24 and it is seriously like an addiction…I am a little concerned. There is a gay video store close by my house and rents all TV shows, BBC & British sitcoms etc…so I rent all my stuff from there and 24 was a show that had never appealed to me before…and now am I totally hooked.

The problem is…you watch an episode and each episode ends with you saying to yourself…I’ve got to see more. It’s very much a problem and soon there will be no more DVD’s to rent from the Video store…what will I do?

Now, I could never stand Keifer Sutherland…actually, I think it was more his Dad I couldn’t stand, but I never wanted to watch it because of the pair of them…they are kind of creepy. Since I have started watching the show however, I am really starting to like him…at least he can act!

I loved loved loved that Nina was the mole and it wasn’t until the last episode that we found out she was a traitor…I honestly thought the mole was Tony Almeda!

And I have to say…how many times can Kim Bauer be kidnapped…please!!