Rear View Clearer: No, Hilary Swank didn’t accidentally put her dress on backwards, but this painted-on sapphire-blue Guy Laroche number immediately calls to mind Celine Dion ’s reverse white tux tragedy, a fashion memory so painful it still gives us an involuntary eye tic. While we adore the ruched gown’s skin-tastic rear, which puts the Best Actress winner’s super-sculpted back on display (although she apparently had her million-dollar butt crack surgically removed for the Oscars), the high-necked, long-sleeved, get-thee-to-a-nunnery front seems to be lifted directly from Mary Lou Retton ’s new leotards-as-formalwear collection.
Grecian Formula: Natalie Portman appears to be having trouble letting go of Princess Amidala as she hits the Oscars in a dress made from recycled Jawa cloaks. This precipitously plunging tulle goddess gown with gem-encrusted bands from hot designer Lanvin is a marked improvement over the “Star Wars ” stunner’s shapeless Greek nymph number at the Golden Globes, but it loses points for the drab dirty dishwater hue and unbecoming — and slightly see-through — pleated skirt. Portman also stumbles with her decision to don that 7th grade staple, the headband. Sure, this one is jeweled and worth major bucks, but it’s still a headband, and it makes Natalie look like she should be cramming for her Algebra final, not schmoozing with the A-list.
Film Noir: Somewhere, Beyonc� ’s mother is trying to chew through the ropes she was bound with to prevent her from dressing her daughter in her typically disastrous designs on Oscar night. The chart-topping singer may have offended French speakers and lovers of Andrew Lloyd Webber with her multiple Best Song performances, but she rocks the red carpet in a black strapless velvet dress that looks like a modern-day interpretation of John Singer Sargent’s portrait of Madame X. This vintage Atelier Versace provides the perfect complement to Beyonc�’s impossibly teensy waist and glowing skin, which she sets off with shoulder-sweeping, earlobe-stretching diamond earrings and a diamond cuff. Our only quibble is the chanteuse’s overly processed coif, which is too red, too stiff, and too souffl�-like on top.
White Stripes: Hard to believe it was just a year ago that a fabulously shapely Ren�e Zellweger was spilling out of the top of her white Carolina Herrera gown as she collected her Oscar. Now, she appears to be doing her best impression of a strawberry Twizzler in her standard strapless Herrera creation with ivory tulle trim, which evokes both her red-and-white-loving ex-boyfriend Jack White and Mrs. Claus. If only the painfully petite (and pale) Ren�e had eaten a few bags of the sugary treats prior to slipping into what should have been curve-hugging couture. Also not working for the rapidly disappearing star is her dull, dark ‘do, which she seems to have stolen off the head of Alfalfa from the “Little Rascals ,” and shoulder blades so sharp they could shave parmesan (not that she’d eat any of it).
Hideous Kinky: Don’t be alarmed. Despite appearances to the contrary, no baby chicks were harmed in the making of Scarlett Johansson ’s frizzy red carpet coiffure. The “Lost in Translation ” starlet is in dire need of a cream rinse as she sports feather-like tresses that some have compared to Courtney Love — and that ain’t no compliment. Sadly, Scarlett draws attention to her desiccated tufts by donning a 19th century tiara, an accessory best left to Queen Elizabeth or creepy child beauty pageant contestants. ScarJo is only slightly more successful in her binding black asymmetrical Roland Mouret gown with mermaid hemline, a skirt style so prevalent at this year’s ceremony we half expected Daryl Hannah to show up in her “Splash ” costume.
Trip to Bountiful: Oscar host Chris Rock just couldn’t resist commenting on the tremendous talents of presenters Pen�lope Cruz and Salma Hayek . Unfortunately, with his attention drawn to their loaded d�colletage, Rock failed to notice that Pen�lope, in a strapless iridescent yellow silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta with a show-stopping butt bow, and Hayek, in a breathtaking (seriously, how can she breathe?) midnight blue beaded and bow-laden Prada, had been accosted by the same crazed hair-and-makeup artist. The delicate features of the beautiful “Bandidas ” co-stars are nearly obscured by smoky eyes rimmed in so much kohl that raccoons might attempt to mate with them and hair so high Snoop Dogg will likely try to smoke it.
Blue Crush: Kate Winslet may not have gone home with an Oscar, but she definitely deserves a prize for brightening up the red carpet in this eye-catching Badgley Mischka design. Not only does the cheerful cornflower color match the actress’ sunny personality but its low-cut beaded bodice and hip-hugging skirt show off her fantastically fit figure. And while Kate doesn’t need jewels to sparkle, she adds some extra zing to her look with diamond clips on the straps, diamond bracelets, and dangling diamond earrings, which she shows off to great effect with lovely swept-back blond waves and understated makeup.
Mullet Madness: There are many occasions when the Femullet makes just the right statement, like, say, a monster truck rally or a Billy Ray Cyrus concert. But at the Oscars, AKA the biggest fashion show in the world, it’s just wrong — so wrong that it makes a sleepover at Michael Jackson ’s seem right. Did Laura Linney inadvertently insult her stylist’s mother or run over his puppy? Otherwise, we can’t explain how she ended up beneath this calamitous, product-laden coif. Too bad it’s not her only red carpet misstep. The “Kinsey ” actress looks wan and lifeless in a dingy J. Mendel strapless gown with a sweetheart neckline (a ubiquitous silhouette at this year’s ceremony) and an asymmetrical tiered and frayed hemline, which was apparently created by dozens of cats working together to claw their way through her couture.
Puff ‘N Buff: If we had Gisele Bundchen ’s perfect figure, the last thing we’d do is hide beneath a gown so ginormous you could show the Best Picture nominees on our butt. Still, with so many “sophisticated” (read: blah and boring) dresses on this year’s red carpet, we must give the Brazilian supermodel props for taking a chance with this straight-from-the-runway billowy Bohemian Dior number, which she wisely pairs with flowing surfer girl blond locks and just-off-the-beach bronze skin. In contrast to his girlfriend’s free-spirited empire-waist frock, Leonardo DiCaprio is Cary Grant cool in a crisp black tux and slicked-back hair. It’s the most mature and handsome he’s ever looked, although it doesn’t hurt that he has one of the world’s most sought-after women on his arm. Our prediction is that before too long, the previously under-the-radar pretty pair will assume the golden couple title vacated by the estranged Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston .
Cane and Able: Melanie Griffith hobbles onto the red carpet in a tragic blue-green Versace gown that was last in style the same year she was — specifically 1988, when she was up for a Best Actress prize for “Working Girl .” There are so many problems plaguing the shiny-faced star’s silk nightmare that we’re not sure where to begin. Maybe with the snaking, Sin City showgirl-style embroidery? Or the drooping sleeves (and bodice)? Or perhaps the bunching, nude-hued fabric covering her back, which was seemingly salvaged from Michelle Kwan’s old skating outfits? And is it just our imagination or does the area above Melanie’s butt form a frowny face? It’s the perfect commentary on her catastrophic couture, which is made even worse by her decision to flash her plaster-encased broken foot and carry a glam-free cane. Hey, Mel, if Star Jones can bling up a microphone, you could have at least found a more stylish way to keep from falling on your face.
Lemony Pick It: Few actresses elicit as strong a reaction on the red carpet as Cate Blanchett , whose sartorial selections are either beloved or belittled, with almost no middle ground. At the Oscars, we come down firmly on the love side of her one-shouldered buttery Valentino with a burgundy satin sash. Sure, the yellow silk taffeta is a little close to her wavy blond locks and skin tone. And, okay, maybe the bejeweled pin on her shoulder is a wee bit overpowering, but somehow the luminous Cate makes it all work. Maybe it’s because her brand spankin’ new gold accessory, which she won for essaying Katharine Hepburn in “The Aviator ” (by the by, she’s carrying the late legend’s glove in her purse for luck), just happens to go perfectly with her frock’s bright and shiny shade.
Lacy and Racy: For the last several months, Kirsten Dunst has been captured by paparazzi wearing unsexy granny gear, including the dreaded sock-and-sandal combination. We had no idea what to expect from her at the Academy Awards, but we’re happy to report the “Spider-Man ” cutie cleans up nicely in a black lace Chanel column that is anything but dowdy. Still, is there something slightly amiss with Kirsten’s dress? In an exercise we recommend only for the most diehard fanboys, try squinting your eyes and cocking your head to the left. Your Spidey-sense just might start a-tingling as you spy the outline of her unmentionables. After you’re done trying to peep out Dunst’s delicates, check out her fab new ‘do, a side-parted platinum bob that is oh-so-reminiscent of Gwyneth Paltrow during that long-ago time when she and former fianc� Brad Pitt wore matching manes.
Depp-eche Mode: Johnny Depp seems to be pulling a Dorian Gray with his wardrobe — his handsome visage doesn’t age, but his sartorial style is becoming positively antiquated. In his outmoded blue tux with black piping and black-and-white wingtips, the Best Actor nominee looks like he should be introducing Henny Youngman in the Catskills (thank you — try the veal!). Don’t get us wrong — we love us some Depp and can usually get on board his eccentric ensembles. But this unsightly suit, which he pairs with an unkempt coif, evil genius facial hair, and Poindexter eyeglasses, goes too far by obscuring his good looks, a fashion felony that deserves the most severe punishment (we’re thinking small talk with Joan Rivers ). Vanessa Paradis fairs much better in sparkly Chanel with a tr�s chic scarf and red, red lips. Depp’s blonder and Frencher half gets the thumbs up for finding an individual look that veers more towards couture than costume.
Tulle Fox: With Nicole Kidman absent from this year’s Oscars, it was left to Charlize Theron to make a movie star fashion statement on the red carpet. That statement? “Get the hell out of the way! Massive Dior gown coming through!” The actress, who successfully returns to blond in a glam, Grace Kelly -esque ‘do, is sporting so much seafoam satin organza and silk tulle that Christo could have wrapped the Kodak Theatre — twice.
Squeeze Play: The last time Gwyneth Paltrow wore pink to the Oscars, she received a critical lashing for failing to fill out the bodice of her Pepto-Bismol-hued Calvin Klein gown. Thanks to little Apple, the slouchy Oscar winner no longer has to worry about her cups being half-empty, but that doesn’t mean her fitting problems are over. In her pale-pink-to-the-point-of-nude Stella McCartney number, Gwyn’s assets are painfully squished into a too-tight corset top, which forces her cleavage skyward … and not in that good check-out-my-new-Wonderbra kind of way. Despite her busting-out bustline, Paltrow is still a winner with her cascading waves chock-a-block with chunky blond highlights and vintage diamond accessories, including a gorgeous bracelet that earns kudos as our favorite of the night.
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